i love you...

April 3, 2008 1:02 PM

My SO has told me he loves me countless times. He told me, and I didn't say it back, and he said he's okay with saying it even though I haven't said "I love you" to him yet. This scares me because sometimes I'm afraid I will never be. And he is a wonderful guy and will do just about anything for me. I just feel guilty now that he is in love and I'm not, and I feel uncomfortable having sex with him now because it's as if I'm using him because he is in another level of our relationship that I am not in. How do I make this better for myself and for our relationship? I want to be with him because he cares about me, and I do for him, and I do not want to lose him or give up on our relationship. I would like to know your thoughts and experiences. Thanks in advance.
posted by anonymous to human relations (21 comments total)

How long have you been going out? IF its over a year and you dont love him then stop leading him on.
posted by majortom1981 at 1:08 PM on April 3, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I think it's impossible to answer the question adequately without knowing how long you've been seeing eachother and which you failed to mention. If it's 3 months, that's one thing. If it's 3 years, that's quite another.
posted by Justinian at 1:14 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

yes, my 'other' of 8 years told me he loved me two weeks after we started dating, and it wasn't him being flippant as he just got out of a divorce. he was serious and hardcore and in love.

i liked him but i however, wasn't 'in love' until about 9 months into it, when it hit me in the face with a huge aluminum baseball bat decorated with little white kittens and smiling frogs. until then i didn't stress it, just enjoyed the ride and his company.
posted by eatdonuts at 1:15 PM on April 3, 2008

Difficult to answer properly because we do not know your age, nor whether you feel you've ever been in love.

bell hooks' all about love might be a good read for you or anyone contemplating the subject of love and what it is. Perhaps determining what love is to you, and why you don't feel it's appropriate for you to say, is the first important step.
posted by waraw at 1:17 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

When I say I love someone, it's simply because I do, and not out of a desire to hear it said back to me. He knows you're not ready, or that the love is not there for you yet, and as long as you're honest, I don't see anything wrong with continuing a relationship that seems good in other ways.

Does he know you may never be there? Is he happy? Are you? Does he act like he wishes you would say it, but he's not wanting to force it, or is he really truly ok with it?
posted by routergirl at 1:18 PM on April 3, 2008

The guilt will only get worse --
posted by chickaboo at 1:19 PM on April 3, 2008

It's sad, but people don't always fall in love at the same time. If you're being honest about all the good points you list (and if you haven't omitted a bunch of huge negatives), this sounds like a relationship worth sticking with.

It sucks to bottle up your feelings, especially with someone you care about. So he needs to tell you he loves you. Let him. I know it's awkward not to be able to say it back. It may be awkward for a while, but it sounds worth playing past the awkwardness.

I'm sure eventually, if he loves you and you still don't love him, you'll have to call it quits, but from your tone, that sounds a long way away. You don't say, anywhere, "and I'm sure I never will love him." So you just need time to grow into your feelings (or not) naturally.

How about this: tell him, honestly, "I feet guilty that I'm not ready to say 'I love you back," (don't say, "You're making me feel guilty"), "but I'm glad you love me. It makes me feel really special. I really hope I feel the same thing some day."

At other times, tell him things you tell him: "I have such a great time with you... you're so important to me... I miss you when you're not here... you're so sexy." Don't say these things right after he says, "I love you." When he says that, just wrap your arms around him and kiss him (accept his love).

Say the nice things at other, unexpected times.

(Over a decade ago, I was dating this girl. I fell in love with her and told her that I loved her. She was thrilled, and she really cared for me, but she wasn't in love with me. It took a long time for her to fall for me. But eventually, she did. We recently celebrated our tenth anniversary.)
posted by grumblebee at 1:28 PM on April 3, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Have you considered telling him the feelings you just told us about?

And as others have said, a heavy relationship question like this doesn't really work unless you tell us how long you've been together. And while you're at it, how old you two are. You can do this by contacting the mods asking them to post this info.
posted by jejune at 1:29 PM on April 3, 2008

Do not feel guilty about having sex with him. Rest assured, no matter how conflicted you may be about how to express your feelings to him, 1) He's not thinking about getting married and having 2.5 kids and a nice house with a picket fence while having sex, and 2) At this stage, it can only improve things.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 1:49 PM on April 3, 2008

he cares about me, and I do for him, and I do not want to lose him or give up on our relationship

What is love, really?
posted by Burhanistan at 1:54 PM on April 3, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Different people have different "I love you" thresholds. I say "I love you" very easily. It doesn't necessarily mean "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," but it does, for me, really me "I love you." It means, "I get happy when I think about you, and I'm really happy to spending time with you, etc etc."

To me, "I missed you" or "I will miss you" is a much more loaded phrase.
posted by alms at 1:58 PM on April 3, 2008

First, don't listen to anyone who tells you to break up with the guy. They think they know better than him. He knows better than they do. Suprise, he knows better than you too.

I think the key is to stop thinking of your SO as someone who can't make rational decisions for himself. He's fully aware of the situation. He's an adult. He's got the full human emotional apparatus. He's trusting that his emotional apparatus is going to get him through this, even if you later decide you don't want to date him. You are feeling guilty because you don't think he capable of evaluating what is going on. You are concerned that you are "using" him because he doesn't feel the same way you do.

He's less risk averse. He's willing to take a chance on you falling for him. Or, more likely, he knows something about your feelings for him that you don't know yet. If I had a dollar for every time a woman I dated said "I never thought of you in that way--I'm suprised I'm falling for you." I'd be a millionaire.

Usually the dude falls faster.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:12 PM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

How long have you been going out, and how long has he crossed the love-boundary without out?

After all, someone does have to get there first. (Though it does make me wonder about a web utility, or physical gadget, where either party can flip the 'love' switch at any time, but it only goes off and informs them when they've both pushed it, thus avoiding anyone knowing it's asynchronous.)

Anyway, the times involved are important. If it's just been a couple of weeks, it's inevitable; I had those guilty feelings in a past relationship until I caught up with her. On the other hand, if it's been months, maybe there's a problem.
posted by Tomorrowful at 2:13 PM on April 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I had an experience where I told a woman I was dating that I loved her, only to have her freak out and withdraw--
But as others have suggested, this was really about the words meaning different things to different people! I don't think I liked/loved her any more than she did me; I also didn't think we were quite suited to the longterm; what I did think was that we deeply deeply connected, made each other happy, turned on, more excited to be alive--all that summed up to an 'I love you' for me but not for her, but the disagreement was about language, not emotion.

I use the words as a label for an emotional state.
She used them as a label for commitment to a longterm, probably permanent, relationship.

So figure out what you mean, and what he means, and see if there is really even a gap!
posted by slipperynirvana at 3:39 PM on April 3, 2008

I agree that saying the words, I love you, means different things to different people, but this simple statement, "I want to be with him because he cares about me, and I do for him, and I do not want to lose him or give up on our relationship," sounds a lot like love to me, or a least the beginnings of it. Don't be so hard on yourself. If he's happy and you're happy, enjoy the journey. Good luck!
posted by wv kay in ga at 3:49 PM on April 3, 2008

Sharing these feelings with him will bring you closer together, so be forewarned that if you do and he is accepting and loving of your honesty and vulnerability, it will contribute to the likelihood that you love him more. Jump in!!
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 3:56 PM on April 3, 2008

FWIW I once had this problem with a past boyfriend. I was madly in love with him and after nine months, he still wasn't with me. It sucked, but I'm both a grown-up and a practical woman. What finally helped me be okay with it was telling him that I was fine with waiting for him to catch up, but if he came to a point he realised he simply wasn't ever going to, he needed to tell me because I wasn't getting any younger and while I loved him, what I ultimately wanted was an equal relationship with a future.

(It resolved itself within a year and we got married about 20 minutes later. It's been five years now and we're very happy, but that isn't really relevant to you, I don't think.)

I think that as long as you are honest with your boyfriend, and clear with yourself, there's nothing wrong with carrying on as long as you feel like you're moving in a generally forward direction. When and if it becomes clear that it isn't going to happen for you, do the kind thing and cut the boy loose.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:09 PM on April 3, 2008

"What is love, really?"
posted by Burhanistan at 7:54 AM on April 4

I have said this before on this very site, but it bears repeating because I think many people get a lot out of this. I think that there is a very easy way to figure out what love is, or if you are in love. But it requires some backstory to make it clear.

One year around Valentines Day I was pondering what love was. Wilst I dwelled on this subject, I began to consider what it meant to 'be' in love. Many others had offered their opinions and I read them and found these musings to be enlightening to my own explorations. However, I disagreed somewhat with all of them, especially the more 'scientific' assessments of what love is. They are certainly not incorrect in their conclusions, and that is perhaps the most important thing to consider at this point. Love is a strange and varied creature which differs in strength and nature from person to person. But what it means to be in love brought me to another question; how could one know whether or not they were in love? I considered my own experience. I am in love with my grlfriend. And I knew this instinctively because... well that will take some explaining for it to become clear. Allow me to reminisce, and perhaps it will become clearer.

The first time I had ever thought I was in love was with my very first girlfriend, a girl whom we will refer to as 'K', back in 1996. With the benefit of hindsight, it is clear that I didn't love her. It was probably a case of inexperience; I was young, I was dating and sleeping with a girl and with no prior experience with women all I had was the idealism of Hollywood movies to go on; if I was doing what I was doing surely I had to be in love, no? But I wasn't. I liked her, but I didn't love her. This is a surety. Indeed, when it ended one year and six months (exactly!) later, it barely registered a nerve.

The second time I thought I might have been in love was with my third girlfriend, a girl whom we shall henceforth refer to as 'J'. When I was with her, I did some crazy things. Things I would never have normally done, and I did them because I was utterly infatuated with her. In terms of this question, I was utterly in lust with this woman, though I did not see it at the time. But when I was with her, I was not myself. I stayed up and out to all hours, partying hard, whereas before I had been much of a homebody. I coloured my hair blonde to make her happy (it was her favourite colour on guys) and even started taking an interest in things that she liked! Egad! So it seems fair to say that at the least I was head over heels in lust with her, but what of love? I agonised over that question many nights whilst I was with her and I was never able to come to a definitive conclusion. But as before, it was only with the benefit of hindsight that it became clear I wasn't in love with her. She was dumb and vapid and an outright bitch; the perfect profile for someone who aspired to be a model, really. So she was everything I didn't ever want and clearly most of my feelings towards her probably stemmed from her undeniable good looks. But did I love her? Not a chance in hell. To this day, she is the worst break up I have ever expereinced with a girlfriend.

A few years later came a girl we shall refer to here as 'P'. I was with her for about 8 months or so, and during that time I rarely saw her, because she lived over 300 kilometres away from me. I saw her at least once a fortnight, though sometimes, during rare periods of increased wealthiness, I could afford to go see her once per week. But the weekends I spent with her were almost always nice. Once more, hindsight reveals that it was this strange arrangement that contributed to my belief that I was in love with her. Or, to be more specific, my belief that I was falling in love with her. Even during my time with her, I never believed I was in love with her, though I often questioned whether I was falling for her. The afforementioned hindsight showed me, however, that the fact I saw her so little made me value what little time I had with her even more, so the passion of our meetings was always intensified. With such passion came the belief that there must be love growing there. But hindsight shows this not to be. I didn't love her, and I wasn't even falling in love with her. I enjoyed her company, but that's as far as it went.

I mention hindsight alot. Hindsight this, hindsight that. It is a wonderful thing, hindsight; especially so when it comes to my current girlfriend, explaining my feelings towards her and, hopefully, answering your question. You see, what hindsight revealed about all my past experiences with 'love' was that I always questioned whether or not I was in love. I always wondered if I was in love, or if I was falling in love, or if my actions meant that I was in love. I never knew I was in love. But with my current girlfriend, I know I am. I lust after her body the same way I did with 'J'. I look forward to meeting her at the end of each day and spending time with her even more than I did with 'P'. And I'm as excited with my relationship with her as I was with my very first relationship with 'K'. And while these are all good signs, they don't speak the most about my feelings towards her. No, at the end of the day, I just know I love her, without any need to question that. I just know. And that's the answer to your question right there, I believe.

If you ever need to figure out if you love someone, of if you simply want to know what I believe to be the difference, I believe that the key indicator should be that you shouldn't have to think about it. My experiences suggest that you're in love if you know you are in love. This is true of both romantic and platonic love. Do you love your parents? Of course you do. How do you know? You just do. It's the same when you love your partner. How do you know you love your husband, wife, or life partner? You just do. No question.

So should you ever question if you love a person or if you are merely in lust with them, simply remember; you should just know.

Of course, if you don't instinctively know, as our dear Anonymous does in this case, I believe you should not despair. I am positive love can grow. And I disagree with majortom1981. I think even if it has been over a year and love hasn't blossomed yet, she should not dump her SO. Again, love is a strange and varied creature and it can take weeks to grow, or months or even years.

What worries me more in this case is the fact that Anon believes that she may never love her partner. Perhaps this is as instinctive a feeling as the knoweldge that you love someone is? I'm not really sure.

That said I think that Anon and her SO are obviously happy together despite the fact only one of them is in love. My advice is to have some open and honest communication. Tell him that you're not in love yet, and that while it is possible you may one day be so you can't ever guarantee this. Depending on the emotional maturity of your SO, he will either accept this or flip out. Simple fact here, however, is that if he loves you as he claims to; if he truly loves you he'll accept this and give you the time you need. If he flips out and starts saying how he'll leave you and whatever, then you'll know how real his love for you is. Just make sure though that you make it exceedingly clear that you do care for him very much and you don't want to lose him. Just tell him you need time, and try not to stress out about the 'love' issue in the meantime. As I said earlier, when/if you do eventually end up loving him, you'll know it, and won't need to second guess it.

Good luck to the both of you!
posted by Effigy2000 at 4:13 PM on April 3, 2008 [17 favorites has favorites]

I agree with most of the above points. DarlingBri really hit something important: do you feel like you're moving in a forward direction? Do you see him in your future, or are things completely stagnant? Again, it's a real shame you posted this anonymously. Age/length of information/past experience with relationships would be good reference material.

At any rate... you should absolutely do some self evaluation before taking any action. Do some reading about what love means.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 4:19 PM on April 3, 2008

sounds like you need a break to figure out how you feel. maybe take a weekend vacation by yourself.
posted by Furious Fitness at 5:03 PM on April 3, 2008

Just be honest with him. It's all you can do. You're not doing anything wrong being with him without loving him, even if he loves you, provided that you aren't misleading him about your feelings. If he needs to be in a relationship with someone who is in love with him, it is his job to find that person. If you think you might love him someday, offer him that hope. If you know that you won't, be honest about that (it may take you some time on your own to be honest with yourself about this- take that time others have recommended, if you need to). Being fair to him does not mean forcing yourself to feel the same way he does. It means being completely honest with him about how you do feel.
posted by PhatLobley at 5:18 PM on April 3, 2008