How to deal with mental side of weightloss?

April 2, 2008 11:48 AM

Got the losing weight part down, help me do the magic mental work

I've looked through every post labeled "weightloss" but I have yet to see my question dealt with, so here goes.

Around three or four months ago, I decided that I needed to lose weight. It's now 27 pounds later and I still have a good ways to go. That being said, I think I have the mechanics of how to lose weight down. I'm doing weight watchers, which is helping me to shift my eating habits to ones that are much healthier. I am about to start adding exercise to program. I've been trying to make changes slowly so that I don't freak out, stress out, punk out or tire out and quit.

I really want this to be it. I want this to be a turning point in my life and sustain this change. I want this, but yet I just don't feel like I am there yet. I don't know if this is me doubting myself or me being realistic. I keep reading about and hearing about people talking about a kind of epiphany moment. They talk about dealing with the fundamental issues that caused their weight gain. They also talk about how losing the weight is relatively easy compared to maintaining the weight loss. I reeeeally want to maintain this.

This is where I need your help. I need you to point me towards blogs, books, personal testimonies, workbooks etc. that detail how people have gone through this mental transformation so that I can follow in their footsteps. I expect, and am willing to do some hard mental/emotional work, but I need to know where to start.

The more pragmatic these books/blogs, etc. are, the more useful they will be for me. So, optimally I'd like to avoid things based on fad diets, over-cuddly-touchy-feely type things (you find a lot of this on weight watchers boards- the DH/DD/DS syndrome). Help me find intelligent straight talkers.

Again, I've got a good grasp on the physical side, but tell me how to work through the emotional and mental work. I want to do this so that I can maintain the large amount of weight I am going to end up losing. The more specific you can be, the better. Also, if you have lost a significant amount of weight and know of any particular pitfalls that I should watch out for on this journey, feel free to share.

In case it matters:
Female
Been overweight for most of my life
In my early twenties
Tend to be very project oriented
Have a very supportive family and group of friends

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (24 comments total)

First, congratulations on your 27-lb. weight loss. That's great and you should be proud.

Losing weight is one of the hardest things I have ever done, and I'm proud of myself everyday for doing it. One thing that helps me stay motivated is the positive comments I hear from people. "You look so great," etc. If I were you, I'd ask those who are close to me to continue making those comments. Some people don't feel comfortable complimenting weight loss--my old self included--because they're afraid that person might understand it as an indirect way of being told they were fat before. Let people know how much it means to you to hear those encouraging words.

Best of luck to you. You deserve good health.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:03 PM on April 2, 2008

They talk about dealing with the fundamental issues that caused their weight gain.

I'm not so sure weight gain is always a manifestation of "issues" with which one must deal. Often it is, but sometimes people just like to eat (e.g., me and Nigella Lawson). I would urge you to try to identify what causes you to overeat, though.

Another suggestion for you would be to turn your environment into a clean, organized, cheerful one. I found a fresh coat of paint on the walls, de-cluttering, and organizing my stuff helped me maintain focus and stay upbeat. A messy environment stifles me and makes me feel depressed and unable to accomplish anything.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:13 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

More tips:

People who have overweight friends tend to gain weight, so encourage any overweight friends you may have to lose weight with you. Motivate each other.

Another thing I found was that I was in the habit of eating all the time. At first I tried substituting healthier foods for the bad foods I was eating, but I still ended up eating too much. I had trained my brain to want to go to the fridge and start chewing on something every 30 minutes. I finally had to force myself to stop eating so much and get out of the habit of constant nibbling. Changing that habit was the most important factor in my weight loss.

You also have to get your brain into the habit of wanting exercise. Exercise leaves me feeling refreshed and optimistic; it definitely contributes to my staying motivated.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:26 PM on April 2, 2008

You can try joining Peer Trainer if you want support from others trying to lose weight. It's free and you can log your food/activity if you want but the guts of it is groups and teams that you join.

Teams are unlimited number of people and cover all categories. There's some for people in their 20's losing weight but they get as diverse as groups for artists, working moms or people who love Macs. Some have goals like lose 10 pounds for spring break etc.

Groups only allow 4 people so you'll get to know them better. They are also diverse and if you don't find one you're looking for you can create it yourself. I joined a group for people who love spinning and then made one for people who like to travel.

Sometimes the groups/teams can get a little dead so it's best to join a few so when some aren't so active others might be. If you find the right group of people it can be encouraging. I find that most of the people that join my groups are just maintaining weight which is a little frustrating.

I'm not sure if it's what you're looking for, but it might give you the mental support you need to keep motivated.
posted by Bunglegirl at 12:32 PM on April 2, 2008

Some of the mental/emotional issues you discussed are addressed in The Hacker's Diet.
posted by betterton at 12:34 PM on April 2, 2008

I actually love to exercise once I'm dressed and in the gym but getting out of the house and to the gym is the difficult part. So I attend a spinning class at my gym that is held three times a week. I go to every class. This is my schedule and I do not let myself break it unless I'm really sick or something totally unavoidable happens (say, jury duty). Basically, I don't let myself say I'm too tired or I'll go later in the day. I have to go to my class. This helps me to stay on track.
posted by Bunglegirl at 12:38 PM on April 2, 2008

"I keep reading about and hearing about people talking about a kind of epiphany moment."

You asked for pragmatic:, well, I think it is a dangerous mistake to fixate on having your epiphany moment. Would a pragmatic person count on having an epiphany? I don't think so.

People who are telling inspiring stories may mention epiphanies because they are dramatic, but my feeling is that most successful enterprises do not have a crucial moment of insight, but are simply the result of continuing to do (or not do) stuff. That's all.

Epiphanies are unlooked for. The angels don't come and sing to you when they're called. They come when you are occupied with other things.

Getting back to your motivation, I find it's best to focus on the good things you are getting: looking cuter, being healthier, whatever it is. Take a moment regularly to think about what you are enjoying as a result. If you are bummed by a temporary reversal, remember how much progress you have made.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:47 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I found this book and a couple others by the same author (the titles of which are escaping me at the moment) to be invaluable. They were recommended by a therapist. The books helped me turn my life around and, like the title says, break away from emotional eating.

Personally, I used to be really overweight because I was unhappy with myself and I found food to be a source of comfort. Now, while I'm still not 100% there, I rarely eat simply because I'm upset. I eat because I'm hungry. That sounds so simple and yet it was truly revolutionary to me. I used to be the kind of person who had finish every single thing on her plate and always had to say "yes" to cake. Now I'm not. Reading those books helped me, a lot.
posted by sutel at 12:48 PM on April 2, 2008

Congratulations on the weight loss!

I'm a female in my 20's and went through the same frustrations/fears you have with regards to maintaining the weight loss. I've successfully kept off my weight for nearly a decade and I attribute it to my lifestyle changes.

By no means do you have to do this, but I became a vegetarian. Adhering to the vegetarian lifestyle made it easier for me to deal with food. I suggest working out a healthy lifestyle plan for yourself that you know you'll be able to stick with indefinitely. Weight watchers is great to get you started, but it can be hard to stick to all of that point counting.

The biggest mistake I made in the beginning was bogging myself down with guilt if I ate something fatty. At first, it's really hard not to feel that way, but just keep reminding yourself that as long as you aren't doing that all the time, it's ok. Especially if you are exercising. The guilt is what kept my positive attitude from blossoming.

As for exercise, I agree with Bunglegirl. Having someone to work out with helps so much! Just knowing that you made a commitment to meet someone at the gym or wherever will motivate you.

Do you keep a journal? I'm not a huge fan of food diaries, but keeping a journal about how you are feeling helps. I'm really grateful to have mine to look back on as a reminder of how far I've come. It's nice that you have people to support and tell you how wonderful you look, but it's most important that you tell yourself that and truly believe it.

One last note-if you feel that the issues that lead you to weight gain are overwhelming you, you may want to seek outside help. Therapy can be a wonderful tool in combating self-esteem issues that inevitably come with weight gain and weight loss.

Good luck!
posted by missjamielynn at 12:58 PM on April 2, 2008

There is an interesting opinion piece in today's New York Times about the limits of willpower that basically states that it's very difficult to control one's behavior in two different areas simultaneously, in the short term, but in the long-term it is possible to increase one's total willpower by working on it. As a 55-year-old chronic dieter I found the article interesting.

The only advice I can give is to think of your weight loss and control as a life-long struggle. I know very few people who lost weight after their teenage years who have kept it off, and the one person I know who has lost a lot of weight and kept it off continues to walk tens of miles every day. I frankly don't think I will ever be able to keep my weight down without really working on it: tracking my weight everyday, exercising faithfully, watching what I eat and drink, and going to a diet class once a week.
posted by thomas144 at 1:05 PM on April 2, 2008

For me, if there was an epiphany moment, it took the form of resignation to a very disappointing truth. It was more of an acceptance that, if I wanted to be heathly, I would have to do the Weight-Watchers thing every day, forever. Most people believe that they can cut way down on fattening foods, reach a good weight, and then increase their intake to stay at the weight they like. It's not that way.

When you're at your Weight Watchers meetings, pay attention to the people who are within 5 pounds of their goal. Invariably, those last few pounds come off really slowly, even for people sticking religiously to the weight loss program. It can take months for someone to get from 150 to 145. And once you're at your desired weight, you don't get to "go off your diet." The only way you can maintain is to keep doing what got you there. Sure, you can add an apple or an orange, have a beer a couple of times a week. But the weight loss plan they give you is almost the same as the maintenance plan. The way you're eating now, that's it...for life.

I'm not diabetic, but I have to eat and move the way a diabetic should -- pretty much the Weight Wathers way. . If I add more than a little food or take away more than a little exercise, my weight will go up. People fail at weight loss or maintenance because they're trying to do two things that can't happen at the same time: be thin and eat too much, or be fit and exercise too little. I guess the magic moment happens when you see how you've been kidding yourself about what's really required in order to have the body that you want. Most likely, you've been told the wrong info for so long that you don't really know what the truth is about appetite, satiety, and metabolism.

So your moment will come when you feel like you know how your body really works, and give in to the facts about how to get it to the "right" size and keep it there.
posted by wryly at 1:11 PM on April 2, 2008 [7 favorites]

I lost seventy pounds last year using the abovementioned Hacker's Diet, and I'm currently taking off the last five troublesome pounds, so I may be able to offer some helpful advice.

What I found myself coming to terms with in the end stages of my diet was that I will never eat the way I used to again. When I began the diet, I was thinking that I'd lose the weight, and that things will go back to normal. However, on careful reflection, it was what I'd considered normal that had gotten me the extra pounds in the first place.

This was pointed out to me by the incredibly rapid pace at which I regained ten pounds over Christmas. And then underlined by the month and a half it took me to lose said poundage.

I'm trying to rephrase it from "I'm always going to be on a diet! Waah!" to "This is just how I eat now." So far, it seems to be working. The horror inspired by the calorie counts on things I used to scarf down does tend to help. (Peanuts, it turns out, are little blubber bombs. Who knew?)

The rest of the mental stuff that I'm dealing with is that I still feel fat. I think it's going to take longer to lose my image of myself as a fat person, and to rebuild that image to reflect who I actually am now, than it took to lose the weight. Compliments from friends are helping, and the mirror helps too, but I still wonder if I'll endanger furniture by sitting on it. I think the only cure for this one is time, though.

For me, there's never been an epiphany. It was just "Well, I'll try this" to "Hey, this is working" to "Hey, I need new clothes" to "People are checking out my butt." And from there to "I like having a butt worth checking out; how do I keep this going?" A slow, steady progress towards a worthy goal.

I can't recommend the Hacker's Diet enough; the chapter on post-diet weight maintenance is excellent.
posted by MrVisible at 1:25 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'd say cardio is key. For me, doing cardio actually reduces my appetite, especially since it gives me such a clear illustration of how much effort it actually takes to burn off, say, a snickers bar. And doing it every day really increases endurance too.
posted by delmoi at 1:34 PM on April 2, 2008

Zenhabits is pretty good.

I'm still working on it myself (I weigh 100 and too much, as they say). You go girl! It's self-doubt, in my opinion. Pat yourself on the back and reward yourself with something (non-food). I'm a big fan of little treats like bath fizzies, new clothes on clearance, and colorful whacky items as a self-reward. Today I got a giant orange RAD flyer frisbee thing cuz I've given up fried foods.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 1:35 PM on April 2, 2008

With weight, if you have a tendency to put it on, I don't think there is a point at which you're done. That is, I've never found a point at which I was simply going to be thin/healthy/whatever and could simply coast. I think of it more as an ongoing struggle, as something that has to be tracked and managed. The only real epiphany I can point to so far is the simple realization that (all other things being equal), if you watch the calories, get enough water, and exercise, the weight has no choice but to come off. It's the simple math of the caloric deficit. Diligence is the key.

So, I think you're being realistic. It's realistic to fear that you might fall off the wagon. But you already know how to get back on and how to succeed. Sustaining that success is simply a matter of doing what you know works and paying attention to the feedback your body (and the scale and the measuring tape) gives you and adjusting accordingly.
posted by wheat at 1:41 PM on April 2, 2008

Sounds hokey, but the book Total Body Makeover is awesome. I am not using it for its true purpose, which is an "accelerated" weight loss program (although accelerated by his standards is really nothing too crazy). I used it/am using it to get myself in the mindset that you describe. The first couple sections of the book are all about mental preparedness, understanding why you've been unable to lose weight previously, examining your habits, lifestyle, mindset to understand how to actually change your lifestyle once and for all. I sing the book's praises to anyone who will listen because it's helped me get to the point you describe in your question.

He has a ton of tips and advice but mostly it's great because it's not a LOSE A TON OF WEIGHT BY CUTTING OUT [insert food here] or BE A SIZE 2 IN WEEKS type of book. Basically he says it's a process that requires hard work and commitment, but if you change your lifestyle enough that you eat sensibly, exercise, have confidence in yourself and treat your body well, you will be healthier, fitter and happier, and lose some weight, too. He has a bunch of other books out there, you can check 'em out.

Another thing to consider is joining some kind of weight loss group. You might already have this through Weight Watchers, but if you like being around MeFi, think about its group on SparkPeople.

Finally, many people believe that if you make a contract saying you'll do something, you will do it. Stickk.com lets you sign a contract that you are going to meet a weight loss goal (or any other kind of goal for that matter). You then select people both to cheer you on as you go, and others that you will have to answer to if you miss your goal. You can also set it up so that if you miss your goal, you have to give money to someone (say, a friend) or if you make your goals, your money goes to a charity, and so on.
posted by sneakin at 2:05 PM on April 2, 2008 [2 favorites]

Lots of excellent suggestions here. Bookwise, I really enjoyed reading "Passing For Thin" by Frances Kuffel -- it's her memoir on losing weight, and she has a lot of interesting (and funny) perspectives on the social, mental and emotional effects of losing weight.
posted by NikitaNikita at 3:03 PM on April 2, 2008

You might want to read Body-For-Life, the author focuses a lot on mental strategies and goal setting. Even if you don't follow the program, it's a good overview of some of the techniques people use.
posted by blue_beetle at 3:11 PM on April 2, 2008

I always hit post a bit too fast when replying to posts.

Also, I agree with what wryly describes above. They say all the time at WW that this is a "life change" not a temporary get-to-goal-and-woohoo-you're-done type of thing. But sometimes it takes gaining some weight back to really understand how much you have to stick to the life change, and how easy it is to slip off track. Most people do slip, and gain the weight back. If this does happen to you, or if you start hitting a plateau, you need to always remember that if you've done it once, you can do it again. 27 lbs is a major, major accomplishment. Think of that success and hang onto that feeling if you hit a bump later on down the line. A WW leader once told me (in regard to weight loss): When you get lost, and realise you're lost, don't keep heading in the wrong direction. I find that a good thing to keep in mind, too.

Also, you describe yourself as being project-oriented. I know a lot of people who enjoy fitness projects, such as Team In Training to get ready for walking or running a half/ marathon while raising money for charity, or picking a 5k in the future to start working to get fit for. Alternatively, you can pick a travel-oriented 'goal' -- is there something that losing weight prevented you from doing earlier in life? Like, hiking? Or just feeling comfortable laying out on the beach? If so, planning a new activity like that for the future can be both a reward an a motivation to stay on track, and enjoy the new you. This can also be something your friends and/or family might want to participate in, likewise, and that can make it that much more fun. My word of caution about really strenuous calorie-burning training (i.e. running half or full marathons, triathlons, etc.) is that it can be extremely tricky to balance the calorie intake you need to sustain the training with what you've been doing to lose weight. So, either speak to a nutritionist if you want to do something like that, or just don't do those type of events (I have thus far chosen the latter :))

Again, congrats, and feel free to memail, too.
posted by NikitaNikita at 3:35 PM on April 2, 2008

I've lost 44 pounds and have 40 to go. I've been practicing for about 20 years. Any epiphany in the process was:
1. There is no magic wand (shake, pill, diet, exercise program, name your product), and like the Hacker's diet says, energy out has to be less than energy in.
2. Don't pay so much attention to how you feel (courtesy of Adrian Savage - Slow Leadership). Which I translate into: Yeah, so you're hungry - is it 3 days hungry? No, it's less than 3 hours. Big deal. Humans can live about 40 days without food. It's a feeling, ignore it, it doesn't have to rule you.


3. (practicalities rather than mental) I find it easier to stay on track if I avoid rice and wheat, and things I couldn't make at home if I had enough time. I can make yogurt, probably could make cheese, but I probably could not make a reasonable facsimile of potato crisps.
posted by b33j at 4:22 PM on April 2, 2008

First: congratulations! For me, 20-30 pounds was where I started feeling really good about what I was doing. I've lost 50+ in the last year; I hit my goal right at New Year's, and have been gradually losing a bit more since then.

Nthing the Hacker's Diet, and the overall attitude that "this is how I live now." For me, also, telling myself that I could do this, that I was doing it, that I have done it, has been a powerful motivator.

One thing about the Hacker's Diet & maintenance: daily weighing means that you always have the trend line, and it doesn't take very long at all to see a trend in either direction. For me, less than a week, which makes it much easier to adjust course.

I love Physicsdiet.com, both for the technical aspects (very simple tracking) and for the forums. There's quite a few people who have lost a lot of weight, it's very supportive, but without being too touchy-feely.

Oh, and since you mention friends, sharing my experience with friends & family (sometimes to the point of being annoying) has also helped. I'm not sure if I can explain HOW, I just know that it does. Maybe it just reinforces my view of myself as a person who has been successful in losing weight.
posted by epersonae at 5:01 PM on April 2, 2008

@ beej: Unfortunately for my waistline, I know exactly how to make potato crisps! Ah, sigh.

@OP:

I lost about 90lb a while back, while in my early 20s. I gained back some of it, and I've spent the past year transmuting that gain into muscle, but not losing any, sigh.

I didn't have an epiphany, so much as one day, I said 'This feels uncomfortable. I should fix that.'

For me, it's not that I ate to deal with stuff. I eat because I love food. A lot. It turns out, though, that my appetite is disproportionate with my metabolism, and errs on the side of WAY TOO MUCH food. I didn't have any food issues - just intense, constant, nauseating hunger. Oh, and it's triggered by carbohydrate. Any carbohydrate.

So, no major mental work; just a recognition that something was out of kilter. Discovering that I cannot eat carbohydrate in large amounts has been key to my recent weight-shift efforts. For the first time in my life I have experienced a lack of hunger. It's been welcome, if a little ... odd.

As I understand it, though, a lot of peoples' relationship to food is significantly more complex than mine, which is where I suspect a lot of the navel-gazing comes from. If you don't feel that complexity, I personally wouldn't (and haven't) worry about doing same.
posted by ysabet at 1:35 AM on April 3, 2008

generally, only do what you love.
if you don't mind being fat because you love food more, then go with it.
but if you love being thin, focus on that.
personally i love exercise, so that is what i focus on.
i can give or take the weight, but i am focused on the exercise.
take gym work - if you do it because you are focused on weight, you wont enjoy it.
but if you do it because you love gym, it will work.
to put it another way, if you want to keep your weight down, you can find things that you enjoy doing that also work in your favour for weight watching.
also, with dieting, find stuff you love. you dont have to punish yourself to diet.
and every time you feel hungry, drink a glass of water.
posted by edtut at 5:35 AM on April 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I hope this isn't discouraging but I don't think there is a magical moment where everything clicks into place and you stop thinking like a fat person. I'm speaking as someone who was significantly overweight (and who is still currently overweight). I'm a year out from weight-loss surgery and while it's definitely been everything I could have hoped for it to be, mentally - I'm still the same person that I was before - just in smaller pants. Things get easier from a mental standpoint as it becomes easier to move and not have limitations on the things you can do so that part helps.

I think the BIGGEST hurdle and the most important thing to get a handle on is accountability. Write down everything you put in your mouth. EVERYTHING. Seeing that stuff on paper is one of the biggest ways to check yourself. The other day I had a bad eating day and I told 3 people because I wanted them to be like - HOLY CRAP, you ate all of that? This helps me immensely.

Body Of Work is a great blog written by a woman who had surgery BUT I think from a mental and emotional standpoint, you might be able to relate to some of the things she's writing about. It's very personal and very enriching, imho.

Good luck!
posted by heartquake at 5:21 AM on May 7, 2008