Is non-stop chatter a necessity in the early stages of dating?

April 1, 2008 8:08 PM

Is non-stop chatter a necessity in the early stages of dating?

I've been dating this guy for about a month now. Things seem to be going well; we have a lot in common, we have fun together and he's expressed to me that he really likes me. But here's what bothers me. I always hear that people know they've found "the one" when they can have endless conversations with that person, three-hour phone calls, never run out of things to say, etc. The thing is, I'm slightly shy and reserved, and so is the guy I'm dating. I have a good circle of friends and think I come across as reasonably personable, but I've always felt that I was not an amazing conversationalist. I do my best to let my guard down with this guy and just chatter away, and it seems like we're becoming more and more comfortable with each other, but I still feel that it's in my nature to be slightly reticent. Even with my closest friends, I'm not constantly talking. Is it okay to have the occasional lull in the conversation with someone you've just started dating? It doesn't seem to bother him, but it's something I feel a bit self-conscious about.

posted by zembla3 to human relations (24 comments total)

If that's how you are then be how you are. Occasional silence is normal, healthy, and can be opportunities for nookie to occur.
posted by Burhanistan at 8:12 PM on April 1, 2008

There are no rules. There's only what does or does not work for you two.
posted by Class Goat at 8:15 PM on April 1, 2008

The first time I went anywhere with Mrs unSane, she sat in the passenger seat of my car and said not a word during the entire 2 hour drive. Neither did I. It was great.
posted by unSane at 8:22 PM on April 1, 2008 [10 favorites]

Finding 'the one' doesn't mean turning into someone different. It means finding someone with whom you can be entirely yourself. If you don't normally speak all the time, there's no reason why you should here. And if he's comfortable with you as you are, that's even better.
posted by twirlypen at 8:22 PM on April 1, 2008

Since you describe both of you as shy, I'm betting that with time you'll find you both will become less and less reserved and the conversation will flow more freely. That being said, I certainly don't think there's anything wrong with the silence. Comfortable silence can be a great barometer of a relationship. Don't put too much stock in "non-stop chatter," as you put it; it's more important to gauge how you feel overall about the way things are rather than how you think they 'should' be.
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 8:30 PM on April 1, 2008

As a shy guy with a shy girlfriend, you're overthinking a plate of beans. If it's going well so far, even with the silences, you're fine.
posted by SansPoint at 8:33 PM on April 1, 2008

There are people who *hate* nonstop chatter. There are people who love it. You'll just fit with whomever you fit.
posted by amtho at 8:38 PM on April 1, 2008

I always hear that people know they've found "the one" when they can have endless conversations with that person, three-hour phone calls, never run out of things to say, etc.

total load of horse manure. you know when you have found the one when you feel it in your heart, not when meeting some third party's false marker.
posted by caddis at 8:42 PM on April 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

You know those uncomfortable silences that sometimes happen in conversation? Well, with the right person, those are no longer uncomfortable.

Stop worrying so much.
posted by chrisamiller at 8:43 PM on April 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

I always hear that people know they've found "the one" when they can have endless conversations with that person

People who are happy with not having endless conversations are probably less inclined to run around talking constantly to everyone about this.
posted by yohko at 8:49 PM on April 1, 2008 [4 favorites]

Not every silence is an awkward silence. If it doesn't seem to bother him, I wouldn't worry about it. Be happy you have someone you can sit around in comfortable silence with; that's much better than feeling pressure to always keep up convo and be constantly entertaining.
posted by speef at 8:52 PM on April 1, 2008

I'm surprised you are interested in finding a relationship with "chatter" - that's not a descriptive I'd choose as a positive. Good conversations are important to me, but as an indication of intellectual compatibility (as I said here, I consider a mental connection a pretty important aspect of the relationship), not just in themselves.

How important is good conversation to you? What are you looking for in the mental connection? Don't worry about what the "norm" is so much as what you want out of the interchange.
posted by mdn at 9:01 PM on April 1, 2008

Got to say, my guy (married 17 years this August) and I felt really comfortable that we could be silent together, we could read (separate books) together and just be. Nobody had to fill in the gaps with nonsense chatter and an absence of talk didn't mean that we were bored or angry. For me, for him, the biggest most important thing is and was that we're each other's best friend, so it sounds to me like you're on track. Don't be who you're not, you can't maintain it and when it slips, you surprise the hell out of the person you're sleeping with.
posted by b33j at 9:42 PM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

As noted above, it's not necessary. And talk to your boyfriend about it. He may be having the same qualms.
posted by deborah at 10:21 PM on April 1, 2008

That you can have endless conversations doesn't mean it's constantly required. If you are comfortable talking and not talking that's a good thing.
posted by 26.2 at 10:49 PM on April 1, 2008

Extra chatter is completely not necessary for love. Like deborah said, it's a good idea to talk to him about it. He might be chattering just because he's laboring under the same misconception about lots of chattering indicating a good relationship. At the very least, getting him to understand that you sometimes don't want to talk will make being around him a little more relaxing.
posted by ignignokt at 11:23 PM on April 1, 2008

I knew he was the one, when after a long day, we sat down on the lounge, and read for a couple hours with no more than the occasional smile exchanged. It was bliss.
posted by ysabet at 11:30 PM on April 1, 2008

Nth-ing the silence is perfectly ok if that's the kind of people you are.

Try this, for fun: after a few minutes of silence (if you notice), just say, "I like you." That's it.
posted by ctmf at 1:08 AM on April 2, 2008

I tend not to say much in real life as well, because I'm an introvert. My fiance is an introvert as well, and tends to say even less than I do. However, when we started dating, and even still, we will have hours-long conversations often. They're just about specific topics and not the kind of silence-preventing "chatter" that extroverts do. When the topic is exhausted the conversation ends, probably "abruptly" to an outside observer, but we don't even notice. Sometimes there will just be a long silence and then one of us will start talking more about the topic, whatever we thought of during the silence. We took frequent three-hour long car trips back and forth from college to our home town. Sometimes we talked the whole way and sometimes we didn't say a word. Neither was awkward.

If you think you don't have anything to talk about that might be a problem, but it doesn't sound like that from your post. You said the silence doesn't bother him, so great! Don't feel self-conscious because other people think silence is a terrible thing; many people think quite the opposite, and would be annoyed by constant chatter. It sounds to me like you've found someone you can be comfortable with.

I can't guarantee this, but I suspect you would become quite unhappy if he never quit talking, so don't try to subject him to constant chatter for the sake of preserving the ideal of talkative people. My ex-boyfriend was very extroverted and never shut up, and while I could even keep up with it for hours it would give me a headache eventually. I can only handle my extroverted friends in doses less than four hours, too.
posted by Nattie at 4:15 AM on April 2, 2008

Ignore other people's arbitrary rules, this is an entirely personal matter. I found "the one", and he's an introvert like me, and part of what made me know that he was "the one" was the fact that from early on he and I could have companionable silences, or read books in the same room - non-stop yapping would, for me, be a marker of Mr. Wrong (and I dated him, too). The right person for you, is the right person for you. Non-stop chatter is no more a marker of Mr. Right than being tall and blue-eyed is a marker of Mr. Right.
posted by biscotti at 5:05 AM on April 2, 2008

There is never any externally "right" way to be. What matters is fulfilling what you both need. Sometimes it can help to communicate more than you are inclined to just to make sure that everyone's getting what they need, but even that is a general guideline for those of us, especially, who live a lot of our lives inside our selves and don't get out (of our heads) much even when partnered.
posted by kalessin at 5:21 AM on April 2, 2008

Yep soon-to-be-Mrs Skorgu and I can sit for hours without talking, or we can natter on about anything under the sun. It's all about being comfortable, whatever that means to you.
posted by Skorgu at 6:18 AM on April 2, 2008

My inamorata and I can talk for long stretches about anything, or we can be quiet for equally long stretches. We're perfectly comfortable with each other. I personally don't like endless chatter; I went out with a very sweet woman for a while but her internal dialog was entirely external and I finally had to bail.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:37 AM on April 2, 2008

i used to spend a lot of time when i first started dating the (quiet) boy i'm with now just lying next to him in silence. i was at ease, but wondered if he was uncomfortable. but then a couple times he mentioned it was so nice to be with someone who he could just be with, without having to make stupid chatter with. as others said above, different strokes, and sometimes the best thing about being with someone you click with is that you can really be yourself and it works with them in a way it doesn't with more general normal social situations. as long as those silences aren't the uncomfortable kind, you should probably just smile knowing you have someone you can be that way around.
posted by ifjuly at 3:48 PM on April 2, 2008