It's a great place for a holiday, but I wouldn't want to live there.

April 1, 2008 7:38 AM

How do I tell my friends and family that I'm just not going to move home?

I moved away from home for college, and now I'm about to graduate. People back home have assumed that I would be moving back when I graduate, which is not unreasonable given it's a larger city with better job prospects - net migration goes from here to there. However, I've decided that I don't want to go back - I've finally settled in here, made friends, have networks. I'm still friends with people back there, but I've changed and I am not keen on going back and adjusting my social life back to my school friends, fun though it is to catch up with them on visits. I would honestly rather move to a new city altogether, because I'd be more confident about being myself.

So: What's the best way to (publicly) justify not moving back, when the real reason is basically 'I have better friends here now and I'm scared I'll turn back into a screwed up kid'? Or does this sound like the wrong decision?

posted by anonymous to human relations (23 comments total)

Not to be mean, but you're an adult, and you don't need to justify that kind of decision to anyone but yourself.
posted by dicaxpuella at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

You're an adult now - which means you no longer have to justify anything to your family. Enjoy your new post-college life!
posted by meerkatty at 7:45 AM on April 1, 2008

"Right now, I'm going to stick around here, and see how it all goes. I like it here."

That's really about as much justification as you owe anybody. Leaves it open for you to change your mind - in any direction (like moving to yet another city.)

You're an adult, and if people keep pressuring you on moving back, you just repeat the above, and then change the subject, shutting down the conversation if need be.
posted by canine epigram at 7:46 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You don't have to say anything. When I left for college, I never bothered to move back home. I'll still visit and try and keep in touch with friends from Back In the Day, but that's about it.

As long as you're happy and don't get all "Why would I move back to that dump!?" people won't mind.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2008

Just tell people what you've decided - if they can't deal with it? Meh. Enjoy your life, and life it for yourself.

A data point for you - I did move back, and it was hell. I was there for exactly one year, and then I burned rubber. Part of my issue what that I fell back into the same traps I'd fallen into in high school, whereas I became a different person in college. I didn't like the old person anymore.
posted by SNWidget at 7:48 AM on April 1, 2008

Nthing everyone else with the added caution that from personal experience, I can tell you that they won't give up easily. It's been over 10 years since I've lived in my hometown (San Francisco,) and I still get teased about "When are you moving back?"

I think canine's response is great: polite, non-apologetic, firm and mature. The best way to "justify" it if necessary, is to have a fantastic life wherever you choose to live.
posted by like_neon at 7:52 AM on April 1, 2008

Sit down and make a list of pros and cons for why you should stay there. This is probably worth doing anyway just for your own benefit -- so you can make sure that you're making the right decision for yourself. Keep the "pros" in mind to use in conversation, but censor anything tactless like your point about not wanting to be a "screwed-up kid."

And of course everyone above is correct that you're ultimately free to do whatever you want. If they're not convinced by your justification, then ... "oh well!" Remember, you can always just say: "oh well." Compare it to having a disagreement with some of your family members about an intensely divisive political issue, like abortion or the death penalty. No matter how much they disagree with your position on the issue, and no matter how unconvincing they find your rationale, you can always just say: "oh well, we'll have to agree to disagree." That might be mildly uncomfortable for a few seconds, but then you just move on and live your life.
posted by jejune at 7:59 AM on April 1, 2008

"Maybe someday. But right now I want to stay."
posted by gjc at 8:07 AM on April 1, 2008

Don't say "maybe" unless you want to open the door to "helpful persuading." Just state your piece and be done with it.
posted by canine epigram at 8:17 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

After investing this much time and money in school, focusing on your career should be the top priority. You've spent four (or more) years getting to know the local industry players, making job connections, etc. Leaving that and going back to somewhere with a tabula rasa doesn't make much sense. You'd need lots of good reasons to go back, not to stay.
posted by Nelsormensch at 8:17 AM on April 1, 2008

Tell them you have better job prospects in the town you are currently living in. It should be the end of any conversation about you moving back.
posted by reenum at 8:25 AM on April 1, 2008

> I would honestly rather move to a new city altogether

Why not do that, then?

One justification for all this sounds like "I want to explore what it's like to live different places before I settle down anywhere. I'll miss you guys, but just think -- now you'll have a reason to visit London!"

> screwed-up kid

I don't think this is crazy. For me, I had to take about ten years away from my parents (talking on the phone every week or so) until I stopped falling back into the exact same behavior patterns when I was around them.
posted by salvia at 8:28 AM on April 1, 2008

Just tell them you're sticking around. If they press you on it, say you're really happy where you are. Only a total jerk would try to get you to leave a place where you're happy.
posted by lunasol at 8:28 AM on April 1, 2008

People have been asking my husband this for 13 years, ever since he left for college. His answer is usually something non-committal, like, "Oh, well, I like Boston now but who's to say what will happen in the future." Inside he is chanting, "Never never never never I'm never moving back!"

People ask because they care but you don't have to give them any kind of answer. really. And if they push, just change the subject.
posted by sutel at 8:54 AM on April 1, 2008

The best way to justify whatever you are doing, if you feel you must justify it, is in affirmative terms.

Nobody but a jerk objects to the propositions "I'm staying in Ithaca because I've got a great job" or "I'm moving to Chicago because I want to study improv."

On the other hand, you'll sound at best shallow, and possibly worse, if you couch your decision in negative terms -- home is uncool, your current friends are better, you want some distance from family, etc.
posted by MattD at 9:21 AM on April 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I moved away from home 15 years ago. To this day, my folks still ask and pressure me to move back home. Every time I just smile and say, "Awww. You know I can't do that. Why don't y'all move up here?"

It's mainly about your friends and family wanting you close. They love you and miss you and would love to have you nearby. With me, my parents understood that the day I left for college was it. I made no gestures towards wanting to stay in my hometown and for the most part, not only did they understand but they supported it. Still, I know as they get older they just want me close.

Of course, I did run into an old friend from high school a while back and she actually asked how my new city was better than "home". I just smiled and said, "Well, they've got four Waffle Houses...so how can I leave?"
posted by teleri025 at 9:50 AM on April 1, 2008

It's nobody's business. Feel free to make up a ridiculous answer or just tell them, "I don't like it there."
posted by hulahulagirl at 10:22 AM on April 1, 2008

One word of note - it's a lot easier to defend your decision and any pressure if you're on your own financially. If mom and dad are supporting you after college, they may feel they have more "say" in your life decisions or may decide they won't pay for you to stay there.

I know it's hard to feel grown up and adult at this juncture and feel that that's enough justification. Seriously though, unless it's your parents, a simple "because I really like it here and it's home now" will suffice. Your parents may require a little more justification along the lines of job prospects, etc. I sort of like the idea of trying somewhere new, then all the justification you need is, "I wanted to try somewhere new!"

"I have better friends now" is not really a great justification, since you'd make new friends even in your old city and it's a slap in the face, as is the part about turning back into a screwed-up kid.
posted by ml98tu at 11:30 AM on April 1, 2008

It's none of their business.

I haven't even visited my home town since the day I left for college 14 years ago.
posted by dmd at 11:43 AM on April 1, 2008

For starters, you need to stop referring to your family home as your home; where you live now is your home now. If anyone asks you when you're going to move back home, give them a dumbfounded stare and say "I already live at home in [city where you live in now]. What do you mean?" Otherwise, the underlying assumption is that where you live now is temporary, and this assumption needs to be broken.
posted by meowzilla at 12:10 PM on April 1, 2008

If I were you, I'd give your family something to hang their hopes on, as well as a fallback so you don't feel like a jerk if you change your mind: tell them that you're going to stay out there "for a year or so" to see if it's the kind of place you'd like to live and work now that you're out of school.

That gives you a year of being able to rebuff "when are you coming back?" with "I'm giving it a year minimum, remember?" and when the year ends -- if you want to stay, your parents and friends at least know it's coming from a mature and knowledgeable place, and if you want to come back, you can say "hey, I gave it a shot, but I like [home] better after all."

That said, you don't HAVE to do this; you're an adult, as others are saying. This is just a way to ease in (from their perspective AND yours.)
posted by davejay at 2:03 PM on April 1, 2008

They're probably more concerned that they'll "never see you again" (at least my mother was). Reassure them that you'll fly/drive home for holidays, and keep in touch the rest of the year, or whatever is practical given the distance and your budget.
posted by desjardins at 2:46 PM on April 1, 2008

Nailing down a job before or as soon as possible after graduation will help your argument enough (sure helped mine). If you can do it, anyway.

This will be a topic that keeps being revisited, though. My mom still makes sad little noises about wanting me to come home (home isn't exactly somewhere where I can get employed), years after graduation.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:43 PM on April 1, 2008