Thanks for all the good times, see ya never

April 1, 2008 7:39 AM

I've been through some setbacks lately that are really garden variety in nature, but have really taken the wind out of me for some reason. As a side effect, I find myself unable to spend time or talk to my best friends in the world.

Quick synopsis: Lost a job, had major anxiety, got new job, thought something with a boy might work out, it didn't--you got it, garden variety. For the last few weeks, I have been ignoring my friends, and I feel guilty.

My core group of friends is really great--amazing women I have known literally since childhood, plus their significant others and some college friends. They all really helped me through a really rough time. I was only unemployed for a month, but it really took a toll on me. A side effect of this, and also the romantic situation not working out, is that I have completely withdrawn from my friends. I spend a lot of time alone, or with other groups of friends. I guess in some way I can't watch my friends go on with their lives while mine stays the same--still single (at 30), still with my job the only thing in my life. My friends are in long term relationships, married, buying homes, etc, and it's just too painful to watch anymore. I have been hanging out with mostly newer friends, unattached friends, people who don't know as much about me and who I wouldn't turn to if I were in such a difficult time again. I really feel guilty about this-- I don't know how long it will take me to want to spend time with my friends again. I don't return phone calls, I write terse emails that don't explain much...
How can I get out of this? I am sure there is a ton of jealousy involved, which doesn't make me feel any better. I am looking into therapy as soon as I get my new job insurance situation figured out. I feel like eventually the only people who were ever really there for me will drift away, and I feel like I kind of WANT that right now, because I can't stand the thought of being the "crazy aunt" for their kids and watching them live their dreams while I just spin my wheels, all on my own. I don't fault them for the things they have, and I know they have their problems. I just don't want to see them. What can I do before I lose them?

posted by anonymous to human relations (14 comments total)

Tell them how you feel. It's always easier to work on yourself when you enlist allies. They love you, and they will understand. You did a great job of explaining your problem here. Send them a link to this page. Seriously.
posted by prefpara at 8:00 AM on April 1 [1 favorite]

I'm in a similar situation (with the friends who are in a family way). First, they have less time to socialize, and when they do, they want to do so in a couples sort of way. They don't love you any less, but they have less time for it. So they probably don't even notice.

You need to realize that YOU have to be YOU regardless of who you are dating or where you work. What's wrong with being an "aunt" to your friends' kids? Why are you punishing your friends and friends' kids for your own jealousy?
posted by gjc at 8:04 AM on April 1

I was only unemployed for a month, but it really took a toll on me. A side effect of this, and also the romantic situation not working out, is that I have completely withdrawn from my friends. I spend a lot of time alone, or with other groups of friends. I guess in some way I can't watch my friends go on with their lives while mine stays the same--still single (at 30), still with my job the only thing in my life. My friends are in long term relationships, married, buying homes, etc, and it's just too painful to watch anymore.

I think you are going to be miserable as long as you measure your self-worth based on employment status, relationship status, and home ownership. I know it's easier said than done...

Hanging out with these new friends sound like a good idea, maybe they'll help you find a different perspective on life.

Since you aren't in a long-term relationship and don't own a home, take advantage of the free time that you have. Is there something that you always wanted to do?
posted by sixcolors at 8:05 AM on April 1

I think that society has a standard set for people, and you might be feeling guilt, anxiety and jealousy as a result of not meeting that standard.

You should probably talk to a therapist about these feelings. These people are your friends and are going on with their lives, as I'm sure you will.

Telling them how you feel might alienate them. Most people expect their friends to be happy about their success. It might come as a blow to find out that is not entirely the case.
posted by reenum at 8:24 AM on April 1

Been there. What worked for me was to start treating myself as a family of one. I would go to dinner, or on a road trip, or to the movies, or a museum, or a hike, or whatever. I also have the benefit of being a pretty creative person, so I could lose myself in my writing or music or painting. Once I stopped obsessing about being alone, I eased up on myself, relaxed in general, and got a life going.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 8:26 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]

So they probably don't even notice.

No, they probably do. But they're probably at a loss as to how to address it, because they don't know what's wrong.

I feel like eventually the only people who were ever really there for me will drift away, and I feel like I kind of WANT that right now, because I can't stand the thought of being the "crazy aunt" for their kids and watching them live their dreams while I just spin my wheels, all on my own.

What's wrong with being the crazy aunt? As someone who's had their share of rough spots, I can totally understand the impulse to "turtle" and hole-up and lick your wounds. But your analysis of the situation is correct - if you just shut everyone away and never reply, eventually they will drift away.

Start by sending an email to your friends just letting them know what's going on in your life. It doesn't need to be long, but let them know that:

"Hi,

Sorry I've been so uncommunicative lately. I've just had some crappy luck - lost a job, had major fail in the dating arena, and finally started a new job. I know I've been a little scarce, but as soon as things start to settle down, I'll shoot you an email and we can catch up."

Then actually start sending those emails and set up some friend-time for small short visits.

I know that losing a job and not having someone like you back in that way sucks, but when you say your job is "the only thing in your life," it makes me wonder if you're not struggling with some depression - what about your friends, don't they count? Do you have any hobbies that get you out into the world, engaged with other people? It sounds like you're valuing yourself, and the things in your life too little, because you're consumed with envy over what you don't have. I do think therapy will help with that.
posted by canine epigram at 8:27 AM on April 1

I know how you feel. With the exception of one friend who has always been on my side and my SO, I've been hiding out since last May. I also had a huge shift in worldview this past November and feel generally pretty anxious.

I'm not personally a big fan of therapists or anything. After going through therapy for years, I just don't believe in its healing powers.

To make myself feel better, I just remember all the hard times that are a distant memory now. I feel horribly embarrassed, because of all the people who were expecting great things from me. Maybe it's best to stay in until you feel better or try to do something new that will make you feel better.

I'm not sure telling your friends what is happening will help. I would go against Mefi advice and just say, "I'm so sorry, I've been so busy lately at work."
posted by onepapertiger at 8:47 AM on April 1

Anonymous, if your initials are MW, all I can beg you is please just come out with it and tell us. (My dearest oldest friend is in a situation so very similar that this post almost brought tears to my eyes. So let me play the devil's advocate role of your pals)

Telling them how you feel might alienate them. Most people expect their friends to be happy about their success. It might come as a blow to find out that is not entirely the case.

I disagree. If they are truly good friends, they've already guessed. And even if they haven't guessed, they deserve an honest explanation.

My friend "Mary" has drifted away. We suspect the core issue is envy (all over the same ill-timed 12-month period, each of us hit big "life milestones" like marriage, houses, career advancement... right as she broke up with her boyfriend, which scotched the house they were buying together, and then her work situation crumbled), although we don't know concretely what's going on because she's just disengaged from us with no explanation.

I think you are going to be miserable as long as you measure your self-worth based on employment status, relationship status, and home ownership. I know it's easier said than done...

In the case of my friend, this is an enormous barrier. The rest of us are people who perceive human value in things like character... trustworthiness... support... humor and honesty... the usual. My friend, though, perceives human value in power, career achievement, financial stability, big homes, second homes, and so on. Therefore, she perceives that she is a failure right now. But the rest of us don't. We never cared about those things when we were all poor, and we don't care about them now. So this is a self-fulfilling prophecy for her. I think she believes that we view her with pity, a failure to launch. Instead, we all know that "there but for the grace of God goes any of us," and we see her as the same person we've always known.

But she's cast herself in the role of Jennifer Aniston's single character in Friends With Money, refusing to see that everyone still has problems. It also casts us, the friends, in a disdainful and poor light -- because what kind of friends are we if we judge her? It's myopic, and it's very, very hurtful. Therapy is the only thing that could help Mary right now, but unlike you, she's not willing to consider that because it means admitting there is a problem to begin with. (so, good for you for seeking help from a counselor)

What can I do before I lose them?

Tell them what's going on. Even a group email would be better than nothing. "It might be irrational, it might be unfair, but all I know is that my heart hurts when I'm around you right now, and I need some time to sort this out. I realize that while I take this time, you're going to have to go on living your lives... I just hope that when I can come back, you'll still be there. If not, that's the chance I have to take right now while I get myself together."

Because, Anon, that is the chance you're taking. It's been 18 months since Mary started treated my circle of friends badly, and we've all had to find different ways of detaching from her -- to keep trying to be supportive and active in her life, while she's cold and distant (or rude and dismissive, or constantly lying) hurts too much. I fervently wish every day that Mary comes back around and that we can all at least talk about what's happened and go forward. But there are some things that can't be erased. What if Mary's life circumstances don't change? What if she never finds the hotshot job, the perfect man, the white princess wedding, the McMansion that she craves? How long do I feel guilty that my life is going down a different path? How many years do I wait for a friend to get back to her old self? I don't know the answers. But I've accepted that our friendship might always be a shadow of what it was before, that there could be permanent damage.

So, there's my personal, totally subjective take. It's okay to feel the way you're feeling; only you can determine the balance between what's best for you in the short-term and whether to save your friendships in the long-term.

But in between, while you decide -- treat them right. Be honest. Be fair. Don't say, "I'll call you back" if you won't. Don't say, "Let's do lunch on Thursday," if you don't ever plan to show up or call. Don't be needlessly mean or cruel to them just because your own feelings want to come out sideways. Tell them the truth, or at least acknowledge that you need some time to yourself right now, then give them the space that you need and they deserve, and accept the possible consequences. If they are really good friends, they will be able to wait for you.
posted by pineapple at 9:00 AM on April 1 [2 favorites]

Is it jealousy or feeling like a failure and wanting to hide out from people who might judge you or who you judge yourself in comparison to? Projecting your own sense of failure onto people isn't fair -- they love you whether or not you have a 3.7 GPA and a new car, they loved you when you made that blunder at that party, and they still love you now. They probably don't see you as the crazy aunt, or if it's something like that, what's wrong with that? They want you to be happy. They may also envy you and the freedom you still have to find yourself and figure out what you want to do. So enjoy it! :) And maybe find yourself some good single role models.
posted by salvia at 9:01 AM on April 1

Wow, pineapple, your tale reminded me of a similar situation in my particular friends' circle.

This one friend hit a series of life bumps and started taking it out on a number of us, becoming a really unpleasant person to be around, where it was always about her, and her pain, and how the world owed her. We all had a lot of sympathy for what she was going through, but when she started being needlessly cruel and flaky to the rest of us...after about a year of continued effort, she lost us. At least four of us just stopped trying to make the effort to connect, to overlook the slights, and just let her go her own way.
posted by canine epigram at 9:17 AM on April 1

Spend all of your available mental energy getting your new job insurance figured out so you can see a doctor, because you are displaying several classic symptoms of clinical depression. Further self-reflection may be counterproductive until you do this. Good luck.
posted by A Long and Troublesome Lameness at 11:29 AM on April 1

This happens. I imagine (speaking from my own experience) is that the holing up does have a lot to do with depression (while I won't go so far as to say "clinical depression" like above, you sound depressed). I'm going through the same thing, though I generally pass it off as being too busy with school to see people. If it weren't for my SO, I would go days without seeing friends if I could. Sometimes it's just hard enough to go through your own life without also having to be responsive to others' lives. And the envy you're feeling probably exacerbates that.

Therapy will help you, I hope. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself, because it only makes it worse. You're having a crappy time of it, and THAT'S OKAY. Try to see your favorite friends on an individual basis (without SOs). Keep in touch with email (that helps me). It'll be okay.
posted by bibbit at 2:39 PM on April 1

I think you should nurture your new friends. In my experience, once people are busy with homes, spouses and babies, that's it, there is not much time left for anything else. And that's not a bad thing. You are at where you're at. Being a "crazy aunt" is not your only option - you could be "fun single woman" I don't think you're obligated to tell them how you're feeling, and I don't think sympathy is what you really want, who wants people to feel sorry for them?
posted by Penelope at 1:44 PM on April 2

Hi there, I've felt this a lot too. It is very difficult to feel like the lone wolf amongst your friends, and really, people DO NOT understand unless they've been through it. It's true that good friends won't judge you, but, however well-meaning, their attention can sometimes undermine the new foundations you're having to put down. Friends and SOs provide very different sources of support. Right now you need to be your own SO, and that takes a lot of energy. You might not have much spare at the moment.

Also, to feel good about ourselves (in whatever circumstances) we need to share in positive re-inforcement, so if for soemone who has got those big milestones going on, it seems kind of self-sabotaging to to be celebrating the positives of NOT having them (there's a reason new mums often gravitate towards one another for support). For people who don't have (or don't want) those things it can feel like they have to spend every interaction participating in a perpetual cheer for people who've acquired them, only to become resentful and envious because their own needs aren't being met for whatever reason

Either way, those historic friendships between people without a bonding commonality in the present will necessarily become less vivid for a time, otherwise they can actually become more draining than supportive for all.

So you should give yourself a break! You've been through some crap and you time to re-stabilise. This can takes a bit of being selfish with your time and that's FINE. Follow the suggestion saying you could email your friends and just say hey, love you loads but things aren't great rfor me right now but I'm working through it and I'll be in touch some time soon'. Then get your head clear, find others in the same boat and share the steering, and wait a few years til yours and your old friends lives sync up again. Which they probably will.
posted by freya_lamb at 5:29 PM on April 4