On/Off

March 31, 2008 9:56 AM

How does one completely turn off one’s emotions towards an ex-lover? Is it possible?

Background: my now ex-significant other and I lived together. We had a very intense relationship. We had several rocky patches about his lack of trust towards me. It felt like he was always having problems with me (I drank too much; I worked too much; I wouldn’t finish my sentences so it felt like I was hiding things from him; etcetera). Well, push come to shove and a bounty of absurd overly dramatic events and we are officially done. It was mostly mutual. He had hedged around having more problems with me/us and said he thought it would be best if he slept elsewhere for the night. I was resigned and weary and told him that it would be best if he just slept elsewhere permanently. He tried to retract his statement but I told him I preferred his first idea. After a fairly large blow out, he left.

After two weeks of separation, I met up with my ex-significant other to discuss financial issues. We kept it succinct and to the point until the conclusion. Good god, I knew I shouldn’t have opened Pandora’s Box. I had a plan and I had every intention to stick to the plan. But when emotional stuff came up, I proceeded. I am the type of girl to continue to scratch the wound. Since I meandered into the gray area, I found out a handful of information from him that I have no idea a) how to interpret, b) how to handle, and c) what to do.

He said that he didn’t want any contact with me because he thought I was a horribly ugly person. He thought that I was a lie because of what I say, how I behave, and what I mean. He said the entire relationship was a mistake and he regretted everything about it. He said all of this in a tense tone and his body sort of.. shook. He also said that several of our very good experiences were the best times in his life and expressed a deep regret that I was the first person he was in love with and had expressed such to. He basically said he felt like he squandered his first experience with romantic love. (He, by the way, is in his mid to late twenties so he’s young but not in the 18 year old sense of the word.) He then went on to say that he didn’t feel anything towards me and hadn’t since the night of our break up. He said that when he saw me (as we are prone to do in unavoidable passing) he didn’t feel anything towards me. He harbored neither good or ill will.

I guess I’m just.. baffled. I wholly admit that I was incredibly angry several days after. Eventually it shaped itself into nostalgia. Finally it was acceptance that there was nothing we could do to reconcile the relationship, that if we were to try we would be chasing after smoke. There were too many unhappy circumstances and issues. I know it is over. I just.. don’t understand how someone can so immediately feel nothing towards someone that the day previous they had surprised with a sweet little present and said “I love you” to. How does one do that?

I guess this bothers me so much because I feel like if all is void to him and if he’s able to so easily move on from this, then I feel like our entire relationship is invalidated. All along the way, even up to the last day together, he felt so strongly for me, even more so than I did. And I also sort of feel left behind to deal with the wreckage alone. So.. how do I follow suit and completely neutralize myself towards this episode? How is this possible?

posted by somersault to human relations (26 comments total)

Duh, if he was so upset he was shaking when he said this stuff, he obviously feels the exact opposite of nothing. He's saying whatever he can to hurt you right now, and it may or may not be true. (But the "no feelings" stuff is definitely a lie.)
posted by MsMolly at 10:00 AM on March 31 [1 favorite]

Agreeing with MsMolly. He hasn't "completely turned off his feelings" at all. His real feelings about the breakup are probably somewhere between very upset and it's-fuckin-killing-him.

I've had a breakup in the past that was reeealllllly gradual, where the connection was as thin as a blonde hair, and when it snapped, it seemed like nobody noticed. I was completely disconnected in about two weeks. What your guy/ex-guy is doing is not that. When you had that conversation, he was 100% emotionally invested in the situation and how upset he was.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 10:16 AM on March 31

"I guess this bothers me so much because I feel like if all is void to him and if he’s able to so easily move on from this, then I feel like our entire relationship is invalidated."

The man is shaking as he speaks - this is as far from 'easily moved on' as Earth is from the Sun. Strong emotions - love, anger, hate - are often more easily transformed into one another than they are into nothingness.
posted by Tomorrowful at 10:21 AM on March 31

yeah, he's lying if he says he doesn't feel anything. he feels a lot. he just wants to hurt you.
posted by thinkingwoman at 10:21 AM on March 31

How does one do that?

1. Maybe he was lying, because he was afraid that you would try and get back together with him and he thinks that's a bad idea.

2. Maybe he was lying, because he was afraid that he might try and get back together with you, and he thinks that's a bad idea.
posted by 23skidoo at 10:22 AM on March 31 [1 favorite]

I feel like if all is void to him and if he’s able to so easily move on from this, then I feel like our entire relationship is invalidated.

I'm so sorry this had to happen. From your desription it sounds like you were the one to finally "pull the plug" on the relationship and your now-ex is maybe finding ways, intentional or not, to hurt you. My analysis as a total observer and as someone with only this perspective is that this seems sadly typical of post-breakup discussions. One partner manages to tell the other some variant of "never did like you anyhow" Your job, as I see it, is to see those words as an expression of emotional pain and grasping and not The Honest Truth as has now been revelaed to your ex. He hurts, you hurt and this is a very difficult time for the two of you.

when emotional stuff came up, I proceeded.

You may not feel this way, but your retelling of events portrays you as being in a position with an awful lot of power but not necessarily a lot of empathy and/or will power when confronted with difficulties. This may mean that going forward you are going to have to be more reserved in order to not dredge this sort of thing up again. Give it time. Distract yourself. Do not replay this or any other relationships scenarios in your head. Be around friends who like you. Call friends who knew you before you were with him. Have a little venting time about him but not with or to him.
posted by jessamyn at 10:23 AM on March 31

It was mostly mutual.

Are you sure about this? Few breakups are truly mutual (or even "mostly" mutual). It sounds like you initiated the breakup, and he followed along reluctantly. I only question this because his anger with you may stem from the fact that he feels like he was dumped.
And I also sort of feel left behind to deal with the wreckage alone.

That's a common feeling, but that's what breaking up is about. If you were working through this together, you wouldn't really be broken up. It sounds like you will each need to sort through your emotions independently, and once that happens (if ever), you can be friendly with each other again. But don't count on that happening quickly.
posted by brain_drain at 10:24 AM on March 31 [1 favorite]

It sounds like his attempt to "completely neutralize" himself from the relationship is not going so well, since he's clearly trying to hurt you by the ridiculously absolute things he's saying. Sure, he acknowledges that he had some of the best moments of his life with you, but, really, the rest is just so juvenile.

Maybe you shouldn't "neutralize" yourself from this situation. Acknowledge what was good and what wasn't, and understand that he's unfortunately decided to make you a scapegoat for a lot of issues that he's clearly having.
posted by mammary16 at 10:25 AM on March 31

He's not feeling nothing towards you. He's lying. And you're better off without, though I think you already know that.

If he didn't care about the breakup, why would he be trying to upset you? He's hurting, and he wants to make you feel the same way.

While it is possible to turn one's emotions on and off, the more you feel for someone, the harder it is to do that. If he cared about you as much as you say he did, then he wont be able to feel "nothing". Human beings just aren't wired that way.
posted by Solomon at 10:25 AM on March 31

I agree that he is saying whatever he can to hurt you right now, which is his means of getting over you.

Looking at your past questions, you should hold off on dating for a while.
posted by spec80 at 10:32 AM on March 31 [3 favorites]

my last boyfriend broke up with me on the phone. this despite living only 15 minutes away from me, despite the fact that we were supposed to get together that night, despite the fact that we had spent nearly every day together for the nearly five months of our relationship, despite the fact we'd been exchanging "i heart yous" for weeks, despite the fact that we had dinner with his family every week. his tone of voice? flat and dead, completely devoid of emotion.

i would have killed to hear the kind of shaking anger you said your ex exhibited—or any sort of emotion. but as it turns out, my ex isn't capable of really having any deep emotions and our relationship was just another example of his relationship m.o. your ex is not over it. he will not be moving on as easily as you think (at least emotionally). his reaction was meant to hurt you as much as he feels you have hurt him. i'm not sure that will make you feel better or worse about the situation, but there it is.

the usual, getting over a break-up advice applies.
posted by violetk at 10:32 AM on March 31 [1 favorite]

Probably he is purposely being hurtful and probably he would like to convince himself that what he's saying is true. Your breakup doesn't sound remotely mutual to me. He was in the middle of some tactic (whether he recognized it himself or not) in his ongoing attempts to exert control in the relationship and you just took that tactic away from him and poleaxed him with it.

Bottom line is he said what he said to manipulate your feelings. It sounds like he did a pretty good job. That's just the way of things, hurt emotions and not having control over how things panned out. There's nothing to "interpret." The extent of "handling" this appropriately is to not let it draw you into unnecessary interaction with this individual.

Of course it's not possible to turn off your feelings towards someone. Separation is the most effective medicine for this ailment. You are left to clean up the wreckage alone, that's the choice you made. Sounds like it was definitely the right choice. Eliminate avoidable interactions with this individual and time does the rest.
posted by nanojath at 10:42 AM on March 31

I agree he's lying. He's protecting himself. Humans have all sorts of coping methods and this is his way of dealing. I don't believe for a moment that we can turn our emotions on and off at will. I think he's hurting and is trying to retain control of the situation, and hurt you back a bit, too.

The funny thing is, I had almost the same experience with an ex, except he initiated the break up. But I got practically the same words, though...didn't have feelings for me, blah, blah, blah, as well as the conflicting statements and behaviors (I got a kiss and dinner right before).

Give yourself some time to get over the initial sting of the breakup. Avoid each other, if possible. And know that he's likely feeling as awful as you.
posted by socrateaser at 11:16 AM on March 31

Ack. I don't think he's lying as such. He's trying to survive the breakup. I think it's wrong to think of him as "trying to hurt you" by saying he doesn't care anymore; he's simply, in the context of the breakup, trying to do the most civil thing and move on. If he was shaking when he told you those things, he probably had a lot of pent-up rage. Trust me, he was being kind to you in not unleashing it.

Men and women go about these things differently. I think it's more typical for a guy to "backburner" his emotions until he has some breathing room, some time to think. It sounds to me that you want to heal right now and you just can't understand why he doesn't. He just doesn't right now, that's all. He's your ex, so it's none of your business anymore. In saying the relationship was a mistake, he is being truthful, in a sense. If he expected it to go indefinitely (perhaps to marriage, perhaps not), then he was mistaken about that. If he had it to do all over again, knowing it would end, he may not have gotten so drawn into the relationship.

So, he's mad at you for breaking up with him, and probably even more mad at himself for giving you the opening. What he may have been looking for when he talked of sleeping elsewhere, was either pushing you to a capitulation (brinksmanship), or simply a very short time apart for both of you to get some perspective before continuing the relationship. In his mind, perhaps, he was steering toward a reconciliation (even if he was going about it wrong). Instead it backfired on him because he thought he could control you into doing what he wanted when he couldn't.
posted by Doohickie at 11:39 AM on March 31

"I guess this bothers me so much because I feel like if all is void to him and if he’s able to so easily move on from this, then I feel like our entire relationship is invalidated."

Time will help more than anything. And what you do with it. But at some point you'll need to stop seeking signs/validation from him to justify your pain. You can't measure or compare your emotions against his. You'll have to feel your pain and work through it all alone, without any comfort from him by knowing that he's hurting too. But he is indeed hurting...and you both will cope differently. He may be able to outwardly shut off his emotions, it sounds like you don't operate that way (neither do I, nor do most people, I suspect). And yes, that really, really sucks. It's easier to detach and separate all the tangibles (the belongings, the places you've frequented together, etc), but much harder to tease apart the emotions and memories you've shared. You can do it though.

Also remember that your entire relationship isn't defined by the way it ended. Sure, that's what is fresh right now, but it is important to remember that there were good things and reasons that brought you together initially, and kept you together over time. If there weren't, you'd be a masochist. Or a sociopath. And I'm sure neither of you are.

So it sounds like you need as little contact as humanely possible with him for now. Because if you don't, the tendency is to be alert for indications of emotion, coping, hurting...and that's going to fuck with you. It's not intentional on his part; it's inevitable, given the situation. And you don't need to be fucked with right now.
posted by iamkimiam at 12:47 PM on March 31

I agree that it sounds like hurt and anger talking. I've had an ex say similar things to me in the immediate aftermath of a painful break-up, and then settle back to being more at peace with our history and current interactions, once we both had some time and distance.
posted by katemcd at 1:14 PM on March 31

He's not lying about "feeling nothing" if he is in fact "numb from shock." Nothing about the story suggests it's anything but this.

In general it appears to me that you're minimizing the effect the breakup is having on him while excusing and passing over your own tepid reaction to it. Just because it's affecting him more strongly doesn't mean he should just get over it and try to extract some good from your history together like you think he should. It sounds like he expressed fairly specific opinions on how your behavior and personality were affecting him and you don't seem willing to address this at all, and especially glaring is the fact that he's expressing concern for the amount you are drinking and you merely put this in an "..., etcetera" list.

I just.. don’t understand how someone can so immediately feel nothing towards someone that the day previous they had surprised with a sweet little present and said “I love you” to. How does one do that?

One method is "betrayal," though you don't go into much detail about what actually happened so it's difficult to pin that one down.
posted by rhizome at 1:20 PM on March 31

Well, I think everyone has covered the "he was lying to protect himself" bit. (And I agree with that 100%.) But here's another issue: you getting over him. This is going to take a while if it ever happens. I think sometimes, when you love someone so passionately, so much, there is a part of you that always loves him/her. It doesn't mean that it will always haunt you or plague you or whatever, but being really invested in another human being is serious stuff. Sometimes, you do get over that person 100%, but that often takes a long time and it doesn't mean you won't have nostalgia. Often, nostalgia is for what was, not who was. You catch my drift?

Good luck.
posted by cachondeo45 at 2:36 PM on March 31

Anti-depressants can make you stop feeling emotions, especially love-related emotions. They can be a good TEMPORARY aid of getting through the tough time. But I emphasize temporary, because in the long term, they can impede forming new relationships.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:06 PM on March 31

Is this the violent ex from last month's question?
posted by hades at 8:45 PM on March 31

Um, yes. I know, I know. I'm foolish and just.. terrible with love. I don't really know what else to say about that one. Maybe that my silly heart has used up its quota in AskMe..
posted by somersault at 8:50 PM on March 31

Because if it is, and you're still working together (which would explain the "unavoidable passing"), he's not getting the breathing room Doohickie mentioned--lying to you and to himself about how he feels sounds like a pretty decent coping strategy in that situation to me. I know it's worked for me in the short term, anyway. What's the trite phrase? "Fake it until you make it?" You could give that a try.

On preview: oh, it is the same guy. Hrm. I don't have any experience being bipolar, so I can't really extrapolate. I dunno. How much do you like that job? I get the feeling that you'd both be better off if you weren't working together any more.
posted by hades at 9:06 PM on March 31

Like rhizome suggested, he may not have been lying if he had reached a point of numbness. Sometimes people feel so intensely that they eventually become numb (not sure how to phrase this more eloquently), as a coping mechanism. Then again, if his voice was tense and his body shook, perhaps he was feeling something - but even then, he may not have associated you with what he was feeling. Perhaps, when he said those things, he was focusing more on his own agency in the relationship, and viewing his current state as a situation he was solely responsible for through his own mistakes. If this was so, then he wouldn't really have been feeling much (if anything at all) towards you since he'd be blaming himself rather than you, seeing his relationship with you as a bad choice that he made without seeing you per se as any significant actor in his situation, etc. I've encountered people who subscribed to this sort of thinking, and sometimes I've thought like that myself.
posted by aielen at 9:50 PM on March 31

Maybe that my silly heart has used up its quota in AskMe..

No, you're allowed to ask however many questions as you want. It's just that this relationship sounded dangerous for you.

Congratulations on ending it. Don't worry about what he said. You need to focus on yourself right now. Reconnect with friends. Eat healthy food. Get enough sleep. The time after ending a relationship (particularly one as intense as this one sounded) is a hard adjustment. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 10:03 PM on March 31

One more thing, about what he said. It sounds to me like the comments are that same old tiring drama mixed with hurtfulness. You already said goodbye to all that once. So, what I'm wondering is, do you even need to dwell on this comment? You know what the relationship was; you have your own memories.

So, why not just let his comment pass on by? You could just notice it and say, "oh, it's the same old thing. There he is again, doing something that makes me feel hurt." I'll bet you see it again. It's like an invitation to rejoin the drama you just left.

Reacting to this thing of his that hurt you will probably just open the door for him to say something else that hurts. I think jessamyn had good suggestions -- stop rehearsing it in your head and maybe go out for a walk or something. Good luck.
posted by salvia at 11:28 PM on March 31

The key is to distract yourself with things you enjoy doing. You'll remember him often, but with time and distance, the feelings will go away. I speak from experience.

So, go join that class you've wanted to join. Play a sport. Read a book. Anything that can distract you from these feelings of nostalgia.
posted by reenum at 8:38 AM on April 1