Dating site photos, "No, it isn't my brother..."

March 28, 2008 1:32 PM

Why do some women on dating sites post pictures of themselves with men as their primary photos?

I don't mean group shots. I am referring to pictures of one man standing close to one woman, as if they were a couple. Often these pictures will not have a caption.

I know there isn't a definitive answer to all instances, but a general idea of why it occurs and what meaning it is meant to convey is what I am looking for.

posted by 517 to human relations (21 comments total)

It is meant to convey "this is the best picture I have of me".
posted by greta simone at 1:35 PM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Lack of available online photos?
posted by The Gooch at 1:36 PM on March 28, 2008

Perhaps they think that the photos are particularly flattering. Maybe they were all gussied up for an event or special occasion, events and occasions where they may have had a date or escort and it would be better to just leave the guy in the photos than to crop him out.
posted by Pollomacho at 1:37 PM on March 28, 2008

Exactly. This is also why lots of men and women use poorly cropped photos on dating sites.
posted by chunking express at 1:38 PM on March 28, 2008

Some guesses:
"I am actually able to meet men in real life, so my use of this site does not indicate desperation."
"I was attracted to this guy. If you look like this guy, I might be attracted to you too."
posted by the littlest brussels sprout at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Don't be uglier than this?
posted by Mblue at 1:39 PM on March 28, 2008 [20 favorites]

It's a subconscious way to prove to the Online Dating Pool that somebody at one time thought she was good date material.

More likely, it's just a flattering picture of herself, and she couldn't be bothered to photoshop out the guy.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 1:42 PM on March 28, 2008

I'm with Pollomacho. I do not think the guy in the photo is intended to convey any particular message towards viewers of that profile. Just happens to be a pic in which she thinks she looks good. Considering she's on a dating website, and I presume she indicates what it she is looking for (friends/etc), I would not consider the presence of the photo a reliable indicator of being presently involved with someone.
posted by Brian James at 1:45 PM on March 28, 2008

A lot of people tend to use photography to record social events that they want to remember, rather than trying to capture a good-looking image. (Or, if they are like me, they take pictures of social events and throw out all the ones in which they don't look good.) So I'm guessing not having any pictures of just themselves may be part of it.

A weirdly cropped photo on a personals site, with a mystery arm on the periphery, tends to scream "this arm belonged to my ex" no matter whose arm it is, so in that case it might be better just to leave the person in there.

If a woman's deliberately choosing to put pictures of herself with a guy, she might be sending a message like "See, I can hang out with guys as well as girls" or "I am social and love to have fun." From what I've read of personals, loving to have fun is a pretty important trait! Kinda like how I've seen a whole lot of personal-ad photos of dudes on a boat or in the mountains because they're adventurous and outdoorsy.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:00 PM on March 28, 2008

Um, it ain't just women. The men do it too.

To me, the reason is simple: often when one is with their partner (on a date, vacation, whatever) they're at their best, appearance-wise. As for why the SO is there (ie, not cropped), I think the majority of people aren't computer savvy enough to know how to yank them out. This is evidenced by the fact that so many photos have other problems that anyone good with a computer could easily fix (eg, poor jpg compression, etc.).

In addition, a lot of non-computer-savvy people have photos with others because those are the only online photos they have... because they were sent to them by the SO or the photog.
posted by dobbs at 2:07 PM on March 28, 2008

People get dressed up the best when going out with others.
Photos are taken of groups doing stuff more often than solo vanity shots.
Ergo, your best photos are likely to have a special someone in them.

Of course, 4 out of 5 women think that a guy having woman in his dating photo is a red flag, for various reasons (all which are stupid, IMO), so plenty of people are between a rock and a hardplace when it comes to a nice picture for a dating site. Women less so however, as I think fewer guys are bothered by it.
posted by -harlequin- at 2:14 PM on March 28, 2008

Social proof.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_proof
posted by sixcolors at 2:14 PM on March 28, 2008

At the risk of overgeneralizing, women are more attracted to a man if there's a woman who's smiling at him, seems to be attracted to him, or seems to be his girlfriend. (I've seen an empirical study that concluded this based on showing a female subject photos of men with or without a smiling woman looking at him.) People tend to assume that other people are like them. So a woman might reason, "Gee, I'm more attracted to a man if he's with a woman; therefore, a man will be more attracted to me if he sees me with a man nearby."

If my own male pyschology is representative of men in general, this is a miscalculation. I'm less attracted to a woman if she seems to have some sort of attachment to another man. In other words, men tend to have the opposite reaction from women.

As noted above, another reason is that people simply like to post photos of themselves with other people (male or female), because it makes them seem "social" ... or because too many photos of just yourself could make you seem self-centered or alone. This is another miscalculation. If I'm looking at a woman's dating profile, I really only care about what she looks like. Other people in the photos are just a distraction. It's nice that she has friends, but I pretty much assume that everyone has friends, and I'll meet them eventually if things work out!
posted by jejune at 2:23 PM on March 28, 2008

In addition, a lot of non-computer-savvy people have photos with others because those are the only online photos they have ...

This would be my guess. Of a random subset of people, I'd be shocked if more than half even knew how to crop a digital photo. Especially in a way that doesn't leave the incriminating "mystery arm" mentioned above.
posted by Nelsormensch at 2:50 PM on March 28, 2008

It's not just women who do this. There really is nothing gender specific about this.

A friend has a horror story of finding her then live-in bf's active personal ad online and it was a picture from a vacation they took together with her obviously cropped out.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 2:53 PM on March 28, 2008

I agree with jejune. Seeing a picture of a girl with some dude makes me desperately want to close the browser window.

I've never really understood why people do this. It's supposed to be a picture of you, not your friends. Most of the sites I've been on specifically request that you don't post those sorts of pictures.
posted by kpmcguire at 3:03 PM on March 28, 2008

To the "men do it to" responses... read the OP's question again. He never even insinuated that this is unique to females... just asked why some women did it.

Probably because he's not in the market for men and, therefore, not looking at their profiles.

That said, Nthing the people take their best pictures when they're with other people. Adding: not everyone knows how to crop a digital photo.
posted by toomuchpete at 3:22 PM on March 28, 2008

Maybe she thinks it shows that she doesn't really need the Internet to get a date. Or she might think it portrays her as desirable, as in, "Men actually do like me. I'm not a spinster who sits home alone every night with my seven cats."
posted by HotPatatta at 7:21 PM on March 28, 2008

I disagree with jejune. Seeing a guy with women in the pictures doesn't make him more attractive to me. It makes him seem like a potentially jerky woman 'collector' (you've all seen them on places like MySpace - top friends entirely consisting of women, and almost all his pictures are him with women).

And it provokes the question of if he's showing off all these women, why does he need me?

But as stated, a woman might do this for those reasons already mentioned - cropping looks weird, it's a flattering picture, and to seem adventurous and more lively.
posted by cmgonzalez at 9:15 PM on March 28, 2008

Don't be uglier than this?

In other words "Must be this hot to ride"?
posted by delmoi at 9:22 AM on March 29, 2008 [1 favorite]

When I (a man) posted a picture of myself with one of my female friends on a dating site, my response rate went up. But it was one of several pictures, and not the primary one.
posted by lsemel at 12:07 AM on April 20, 2008