i see your schwartz is as big as mine

March 28, 2008 10:08 AM

Certain people in our office *have* to talk to me if we're in the bathroom at the same time. No, they can't come into my office before or after, they just have to talk to me while we're in the freaking bathroom. What's a good way to politely but firmly tell them "hey, let's talk shop outside of the bathroom, when I'm not holding my private bits!" I mean, I'm not the kind of guy that thinks it's gross or anything like that. But I think it's kind'a rude and a real imposition.
posted by edjusted to human relations (24 comments total)

Don't answer. Be totally non-committal. "Mm-hm." "Ah." "Hm." *cough* "Gotta go." No eye contact. Wash hands and head out.

I chat with co-workers in the bathroom but generally only around the sink. Once people head into the stall, no talking. If someone keeps talking they get the non-committal, non-encouraging response. If asked a direct question you can say, "I don't know. I'll have to think on it." And then be quiet.

People are weird.
posted by amanda at 10:12 AM on March 28, 2008

I'd say, "Hey, let's talk shop outside of the bathroom, when I'm not holding my private bits."
Amanda speaks true: People are weird...
posted by Dizzy at 10:16 AM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think a straight forward "hey, let's talk shop outside of the bathroom" is your best bet.

If that's too formal, translate it into dude/brah work speak

"Dude, I'm taking a piss, don't talk to me."

If you're not comfortable speaking directly to him about it, as a last resort you could pee on his feet.
posted by alan at 10:20 AM on March 28, 2008 [3 favorites]

"I'm sorry, but I have to focus on my work right now. Can we finish this when I'm back at my desk goofing off?"
posted by iamkimiam at 10:26 AM on March 28, 2008 [19 favorites]

At my previous job, there was a company in the building that did typical "corporate" stuff and had some stereotypical "corporate" glad-handing types. They always answered their cell phones on the john, which seemed totally bizarre to me. The weirdest thing, however, was when one of them answered the phone and said to the person at the other end of the line, "I'm just taking a quick bio-break." Which, while a bizarre turn of phrase in itself, is also an acknowledgment to the other person that you are, in fact, talking to them while taking a huge dump.

So, I suggest something along the lines of, "Let's do some mind-melding about shifting paradigms after this bio-break." Use lots of corporate speak, but try to make it implicitly clear to the other person that you are so much the shit that you can, in fact, bullshit with them while holding your wang.

The other option is to make lots of panting and groaning noises as they approach.
posted by backseatpilot at 10:28 AM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

Yeah, there's certain of my fellow ladies here at work that don't realize the stall is a no-chatting zone. Around the mirrors and the sink? Fine. Don't bug me while I'm peeing, I like some privacy. I just don't answer them. They probably think I'm unfriendly. Which means eventually they'll stop trying to talk to me, if my plan works.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 10:47 AM on March 28, 2008 [2 favorites]

I've told coworkers in the past to wait a minute so I can come pee in their office while we chat. The downside is that you risk the humor falling flat and insulting the person. But I figure it's worth the risk for a low level person like me.
posted by krisak at 11:09 AM on March 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

Certain people in our officef

What type of certain people? Are they just extroverts, who perhaps who grew up with a large family, where one person in a bathroom was unheard of? If so, then ask to talk business at another time. After all, they my think they're doing anything wrong, so it falls about you to set the boundary. Be polite, but firm and that should be fine.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:14 AM on March 28, 2008

Airhorn when they start to speak?

I just ignore people who try to talk to me when I can't see them. It's great in the bathroom, but also for when people try yelling to me from great distances. I don't know if they think I'm hard of hearing at distances, or just a jerk, but it works.
posted by fogster at 11:15 AM on March 28, 2008

If you're a dude: strategic splashback.
posted by Inspector.Gadget at 11:31 AM on March 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

This happens. It's weird. I ask "Can this wait a few?" and stop talking.

As a guy, I feel that the only acceptable time to talk and emit bodily waste at once is when you're intoxicated at a party or sporting event and peeing on or in something with a (potentially new-found) friend.
posted by adamk at 12:32 PM on March 28, 2008

The editor in chief of the publisher I worked for at my first job out of college would actually tell people to follow her to the bathroom so she could continue a conversation while she peed. Because I guess she felt like she was just that busy and important. So... at least it's not your boss forcing you to talk business in the bathroom?
posted by MsMolly at 1:04 PM on March 28, 2008

Depends (ha,ha). Seriously, follow this individual into the head next time they go and stand uncomfortably close while discussing office politics.
posted by Mblue at 1:32 PM on March 28, 2008 [1 favorite]

"I'm sorry but I can't hear you when I'm peeing. Catch up with you outside?" It doesn't have to be true, just believable and direct.
posted by jessamyn at 2:55 PM on March 28, 2008

If you're a dude: strategic splashback.

Or the turn-your-whole-body-as-one-movement-to-face-them-and-in-doing-so-pee-on-their-pant-leg maneuver. That should shut them up.
posted by tdischino at 3:46 PM on March 28, 2008

Ignore, ignore, ignore some more. Maybe --maybe-- give a response once you're over at the sink.
posted by Sys Rq at 3:49 PM on March 28, 2008

(Psst - not to bug you while you're peeing, but I think you mean "schvantz" not "schwartz".)
posted by tristeza at 3:56 PM on March 28, 2008

Assuming this is a male bathroom. Mom's old advice of "just ignore them" won't work in this case. The bathroom talkers will take this as a sign of weakness and/or differentness, because they are doing the bathroom talking thing to show that you all are just guys in the john. No, the answers that say give them a good natured blow-off are right. "I can't think and pee at the same time, I'll catch up with you in a minute."
posted by gjc at 4:12 PM on March 28, 2008

What I say: "Wait. Busy."
And then a few mins later, OUTSIDE the bathroom: "Okay, what was that you said there?"

Do this three or four times and they'll adjust their behavior.
posted by rokusan at 9:33 PM on March 28, 2008

I think you mean "schvantz" not "schwartz".

The OP's spelling is correct. It's a Mel Brooks pun.
posted by rokusan at 9:37 PM on March 28, 2008

In my experience (ladies room), people are pee-talkers or not. Not really much middle ground. Over time you get to know which is which and act accordingly.
posted by I_Love_Bananas at 12:15 PM on March 29, 2008

I_Love_Bananas: "...and act accordingly."

this would suggest there is a third type here - the person who adjusts to the communication preferences of the other.
posted by krautland at 1:54 AM on April 30, 2008

"We don't talk in here."
posted by averyoldworld at 7:18 AM on July 2, 2008

"Shhh. Be quiet or it will crawl back up."

or (if at urinal)

"Boy, this water is cold."

or (also if at urinal)

"Man, this water is deep."
posted by webhund at 7:03 PM on December 17, 2008