How to reach a clitoral orgasm?

March 26, 2008 7:58 PM

How to reach a clitoral orgasm?

All my previous sexual life (female, been active for 13 years) I have been with guys giving me vaginal orgasms only, and have been happy with that. Clit stimulatiion as a means of getting me off never worked, I never really got into it, and since there were plenty of other wonderful things to do I didn't feel that I was lacking anything.

Now I've been with someone for some months who LOVES to give oral. It's great, it's new, it's amazing in detail, but I haven't got a clue how to come off on this. I tried shaving, which DID intensify my sensation (I'm a synaesthetic and see bright white fireworks now instead of red during clit stimulation...) but still, I never come. Unfortunately, he is very focussed on oral, so I rarely get an orgasm whatsoever, which is making me feel poor and stupid - after years and years of a sex life which I experienced as rich and mostly happy.

Dear AskMeFi Women - what can I try? What can we try? Is there a way of *channelling* my sensations in my brain, so that this will get me there? Focussing on something, letting go of something else in my thoughts? I tried to *relax*, but this just made my sensations fade away.

All experiences, ideas, advice very, very welcome. Thanks a million.

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 answers total)

Oral doesn't have to mean no penetration. I recommend fingers, yours or his, or toys or whatever else you have, to see if you can get a little of the sensations you're used to, to get you over the edge. There's a lot of back and forth (yeah yeah it's Wikipedia) on whether there's really a difference between clit/vag orgasms in any way other than you come better when you're touched in one place versus the other and I wouldn't focus terribly much on what sort of orgasm you're having but what feels good and gets you there. This may require lots of experimentation with your partner, but that doesn't sound like it will be a bad thing.

As far as relaxing goes, I doubt that's an issue. In my universe some sensations are good feelings that are going someplace and some are just good feelings. I mean there's some days when nothing feels good, but barring that if you're in a happy sexy place with your partner, you just have to figure out where your spots are and if the clit isn't your spot [or your ONLY spot] that's totally normal and okay.
posted by jessamyn at 8:16 PM on March 26, 2008

Some women seem to have clitoreses that seem more 'submerged' and it seems as a result orgasm by clitoral stimulation is harder.
You can 'pull back' , 'pull away' some of the surrounding skin folds and labia (mostly skin fold above from the mons pubens) and make the clitoris stand out as much as possible. That sometimes makes clitoral orgasm possible where it wasn't possible previously.

(I hope this is clear. Hard to describe this stuff in a foreign language)
posted by jouke at 8:22 PM on March 26, 2008

Wow, that's kind of the opposite problem a lot of people have - lots of women have a hard time coming during intercourse, and have boyfriends who just plain won't give the clitoral stimulation they need.

Try varying the temperature with cold & warm liquids. Have him try holding them in his mouth for a few seconds, then coming back to you with his now-warm, now-cold tongue. And make sure it's wet. The relative wetness or dryness of his tongue can make a huge difference. Also, what jessamyn said about the fingers - make sure he knows how much you want to feel that whilst, and at the same time, etc.

Happy experimentation.
posted by eleyna at 9:03 PM on March 26, 2008

Really, it seems that "different strokes for different folks" was invented to describe the intricacies of clitoral stimulation. And so, my telling you what I like is not going to be the right answer. Make sure you try and vary: suction, tongue pointiness, PVC squeezing, lip engagement, hand placement or spreading, hip angle and movement, and new varieties of foreplay. Sometimes going right to the clit isn't right for me. Sometimes, clitoral attention through the labia, like old skool frottage, is a good lead-in. Pay heed to the firmness and size, follow the physiological cues like that.

Relaxing is all well and good, but sometimes clenching and really focusing is required too. And patience.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 9:05 PM on March 26, 2008

Unfortunately, he is very focussed on oral, so I rarely get an orgasm whatsoever, which is making me feel poor and stupid - after years and years of a sex life which I experienced as rich and mostly happy.

I'm inferring that you're feeling some pressure to orgasm the way your partner wants you to orgasm, whereas you were perfectly happy up to now orgasming a whole different way. Is your partner very focused on oral because it's fun & pleasurable & part of a mutually satisfying sexual experience, or is he very focused on bringing you to orgasm orally? Because there's a world of difference.

Your body is what it is & likes what it likes, and there's no reason for you to feel poor or stupid or any other negative feeling just because your partner really wants you to come a certain way. So experiment with whatever advice you get in response to your question, but I hope you'll do your experimenting out of curiosity and a sense of adventure with your partner, not out of a sense of duty or obligation.
posted by headnsouth at 9:20 PM on March 26, 2008 [4 favorites]

Toys. In your vagina.
posted by loiseau at 9:22 PM on March 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

I agree with a lot of the previous advice. If he wants to give you oral because he enjoys it and hopes that you enjoy it (whether or not you come, and it sounds as if you are enjoying the sensations even if they don't lead to an orgasm), that's great. But don't feel that you have to come that way in order to please him. Have you been very clear with him that you love the feeling, even if you don't come? I hope you can enjoy the experience for what it is right now, with no pressure on either of you to give/have an orgasm.

But because it's always nice to be able to come from more than one method, here's some questions and ideas.

Your vaginal orgasms are almost certainly involving stimulation of your clitoris anyway. Remember, it's a much larger organ than we have been led to believe. What kind of vaginal sex leads to orgasms for you? Relatively gentle? Relatively fierce? Do you come in only certain positions or a variety of positions? If you need a good, brisk, deep rogering to come, the relatively gentle and local sensations of typical oral sex may be a long way away from the kind of sensations you need. In addition to the use of different oral techniques, toys and fingers in your vagina, you may need to just be handled more firmly. If you come most easily while you're on top, the typical supine position may not work for you at all, while sitting on his face and grinding may be much better for you.

You may find that you need a bridge to move from vaginal orgasms to coming from oral. Do you masturbate? Do you come from masturbating? Has he tried to masturbate you? Can you teach him what works for you?

Finally, there may be an emotional rather than a physical component at work. Vaginal sex may feel like wonderful, valid, real sex, with all the emotional heft that goes along with it, but anything else might feel selfish or lonely. The focus is all on you and you can't relax and let go. if this is a possibility, another good bridge might be trying 69 rather than just receiving oral sex. It can be a bit more difficult technically, but the reciprocal nature of it might be what you really need.

And one last thing: you say that he is so focused on oral that you hardly ever come any more. I hope you are being gently but firmly honest with him about this. Is there, perhaps, some other reason why he has almost no vaginal sex with you? Does he have any concerns or fears about this that he's covering up by insisting on oral?
posted by rosebuddy at 9:59 PM on March 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not having a clitoris myself I have no first-hand advice to offer, but I've talked to quite a few women who were never able to orgasm by any sort of clitoral stimulation until they learned to do so alone, after which they were able to learn to do so with a partner. Several of them have cited warm running water as the breakthrough technique, using either a tub faucet or one of those removable shower heads.
posted by fractalid at 10:01 PM on March 26, 2008

headnsouth's advice is spot on here, ditto a lot of the other advice above. I would argue that your sex life has indeed been rich and happy if you've felt it is. Sex can feel fantastic even without orgasms.

I'd definitely recommend doing some exploration on your own here, with vibrators/the shower head/your fingers, and just taking some time experimenting with settings, pressure, placement, etc. You might find that you like to be stimulated just above the clit rather than directly on it, or to the side, or so on. Maybe it's hotter if you're on your knees or standing or on all fours - it does noticeably change things.

And I second the suggestion of toys in your vagina, while he's going down on you. I'd suggest a silicone dildo rather than a vibrator for this - the vibration might distract you and feel weird next to his chin, and sometimes just the sensation of having something inside will make all the difference. If you're not sure, though, you can always get a vibrator designed for insertion and leave it turned off.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:17 PM on March 26, 2008

Tongue, doing the alphabet, ABCDEFG, HIJKLMNOP, QRSTUV, WXYZ, repeat. Fingers, three times shallow one deep, then five times shallow one deep. Slightly predictable variations. (guy, I guess that knowing what's coming next helps a bit. Worked for me, YMMV).
posted by zengargoyle at 11:19 PM on March 26, 2008

Have you devoted some significant time to masturbating and focusing on your clit? I've uh, heard that sometimes oral sex is just too wet. Friction is important, although too much can be deadly, so to speak. If you "break the barrier" on your own, even if it takes a long ass time, might help you out if this is something you want to do.

If, on the other hand, your boyfriend simply refuses to remove his head from between your legs despite your lack of interest, tell him to knock it the fuck off.
posted by MadamM at 11:44 PM on March 26, 2008

Breathing techniques. Seriously.
posted by amtho at 12:13 AM on March 27, 2008

Again, I don't have one, etc, but I am led to believe that a lot of it is about relaxing, letting go, and not thinking about the expectations (i.e. "oh he really wants me to come from this, I have to come, and I don't think I'm going to, ugh") ... you sound communicative about this sort of thing - I hope he is, too, because really it is just something you have to talk about. If it isn't working for you, then it isn't working for you, and that isn't a big deal. If he is trying to make it one, then he sucks.

Once you can make it not a big deal and quit worrying about it and have some fun, and some good old vaginal orgasms the way you like them, then maybe you can mess around with a little experimenting, and you might be surprised -- but I really doubt you can just make it go somehow without that sort of environment/mindset first.

Though I could be totally wrong, it's been a little while. (Ha ... sigh.)
posted by blacklite at 2:53 AM on March 27, 2008

Oral sex is not always straightforward even if you're used to clitoral stimulation. Female bodies change from day to day, and things that feel amazing one day are "meh" or uncomfortable the next. Sometimes I need to give a lot of direction, and that's with a partner who's been with me for years.

I would suggest a few things. Play around on your own. Figure out what feels good for you. Is it what jouke suggests, that your clitoris is hiding and you need to pull the skin back to coax it out? Do you need more intense pressure? Try tapping, flicking, rubbing in a circular motion, direct stimulation with a vibrator, with and without lube, the shower-head thing, with and without a vibrator or dildo in your vagina. Once you figure out how to get off on your own, then you can start giving direction to the boy. Be specific. Show him. Move his hand where you want it. Demonstrate the pressure you want by rubbing his arm. It may also help to make out for a while before proceeding to oral, because Ms. Clitoris comes out to play when you're good and turned on, and this get your brain closer to the "now now NOW" state.

You may conclude that clitoral stimulation just adds pleasure to the vaginal stimulation that actually gets you off. Maybe it makes things a bit more intense, but can't actually get you there on its own. That's totally fine and normal, so feel free to insist on fingers or toys while you're getting oral. If he won't agree to that and won't get you off in other ways, he's being too selfish to give good oral sex. That attitude gets your brain farther from the "now now NOW" state. He's being a cunt-tease! Insist on equal time. If he gets what he wants (cunnilingus) then you get what you want (orgasms).
posted by heatherann at 7:08 AM on March 27, 2008

I would suggest going to the Adult Shop and buying some clit stimulating cream or gel.
posted by sixcolors at 7:33 AM on March 27, 2008

Um, I can't believe there are so many educated people who still believe in this false distinction.

The notion of "clitoral" v. "vaginal" orgasm is a completely bogus idea promoted by Freud who believed that women weren't "mature" until they could have vaginal orgasms. There's no science to it whatsoever.

There's no difference-- there's stimulation that gets you off and stimulation that doesn't. The source of the orgasm is always the same: the brain!!!!

So, whatever works for you, works for you. You can try lots of stuff to see what works, but it's not going to change your orgasms except in that some are naturally more intense than others for unpredictable reasons.
posted by Maias at 10:15 AM on March 27, 2008

Maias, there are lots of different kinds of orgasms. Just because they all represent the same sort of brain activity doesn't mean they are indistinguishable. I don't know or much care about the Freud baggage, but if someone can come from nipple stimulation, or anal, or inner-elbow, I think we might be able to discuss techniques that work for those kinds of orgasm without being called credulous.

I have found the clit-stimulating gel is rather bogus, btw. Also, not yummy.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 11:02 AM on March 27, 2008

I'm a girl who is very orgasmic, but I never get off from oral sex. I don't know why, it just doesn't do it for me.

Sorry I don't have any advice, but thought you might appreciate another data point.
posted by happyturtle at 2:10 PM on March 27, 2008

I concur with happyturtle.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:15 PM on March 27, 2008

Some reading to maybe help you think of this differently...
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 11:23 PM on March 27, 2008