How can I help you through this?

March 25, 2008 8:43 PM

What kind of support do you offer to a family member who accidently hit someone with thier car?

My teenage cousin accidently hit a pedestrian with thier car. The victim is in serious condition. My cousin was not injured. Alchohol was not a factor. According to the family the sun got in my cousin's eyes and they didn't see the pedestrian. Which I can empathize with because these are small winding back roads with no sidewalk, and the victim would have had to been walking in the street. I can not imagine what they are going through (either family really). I want to offer my support, but I don't know what to say other than that they are in my thoughts.

What does a teenager going through this need right now? They are honestly a good kid who has never been in trouble before. What can I do for them being many, many states away?

posted by MayNicholas to human relations (22 comments total)

It's all about intent. He wasn't doing anything wrong intentionally or through carelessness. Assuming he was truly without fault, I would comfort your cousin by emphasizing that they did what they could in the circumstances and while it's terrible this person was hurt, it's no more their fault than if a meteor struck this stranger. Accidents happen, and your cousin should not feel guilt over circumstances beyond their control.

Perhaps they could do something for the victim or their family? (Not as a way to atone, but just out of compassion).
posted by phrontist at 9:04 PM on March 25, 2008

This is a terrible and common occurrence. A boy in my high school killed a pedestrian when the sun got in his eyes. Two generations back in my family, a father struck and accidentally killed his own daughter with a farm vehicle.

If it were me, I'd want to know that I wasn't a pariah to my family. I'd want some advice about how to express my remorse and sadness to the other family. I'd want to know that there are other people in this world who have hurt people accidentally with their cars. Just the fact that they exist and somehow went on (because what other choice is there but suicide).

Thank the goddesses or whoever that the person was not killed.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:11 PM on March 25, 2008

Well, the victim may still die. The condition was upgraded to serious. They are hoping that the person will pull through, but it isn't looking good right now.

I just can't imagine. There is no way I could think of my cousin of a pariah. There is not a mean bone in their body. This must be killing them inside.
posted by MayNicholas at 9:25 PM on March 25, 2008

Just call your cousin and let him/her know what you told us. Let your cousin know you're there for him/her, and perhaps advise your cousin to get some counseling to get though the rawest part.
posted by desuetude at 9:42 PM on March 25, 2008

I would call and add to the "you are in my thoughts" with a "call me anytime if you need to talk to somebody." There's really not much more you can do than be available if they need you.
posted by Yorrick at 9:44 PM on March 25, 2008

If the victim may still die, then you might want to read about other similar accidents in the same county or state of your cousin's accident. If the person dies, your cousin will need to somehow imagine going on; that such other people exist and have gone on in some fashion may help.

If the person dies, then you may want to remind your cousin that two lost lives does not somehow "even the scales" of the first lost life. It's just another lost life.

Sometimes people are irreparably changed. An irreparably changed person needs to have family members be with them, as they are, changed.

Also, talking is important, in my opinion. Therapy talking, and talking within the family. In my family, the child killed was never mentioned -- her parents never mentioned her and drank drank drank. That's not a good outcome.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:45 PM on March 25, 2008

Maybe just be sure that you do call and talk to him. You can tell him it's not his (or her) fault. Several people will tell him this, but it bears repeating over and over (and your cousin still may not believe it, but I think it will help over time).

You can also have a normal conversation, and/or reassure your cousin that you still love him (or her).
posted by amtho at 9:51 PM on March 25, 2008

Would it be in bad form to send a care package with say chocolates and a card expressing how they are in my thoughts and that I love them and some of the things you all mentioned here? I haven't spoken to my cousin in years (we are many years apart) but I am in email contact with thier mother regularly, so I always know what is going on there. Should I call them anyway, or send the card and let them know I am here if they ever just need to talk?
I absolutely agree they will need counseling.
posted by MayNicholas at 9:57 PM on March 25, 2008

When I was 19 I hit a pedestrian. What I didn't need (and what I got plenty of) was everybody assuming that I needed a pat on the back and a speech about how accidents happen, it's not your fault, and we have to move on in life. That cold hard logic comes easily enough. The difficult part is coming to terms with the accident emotionally. That is a deeply personal process and the last thing I needed, and the last thing your cousin needs, was everybody making assumptions about my emotional state and the best way to go about "fixing" it.

In my case, my family didn't pretend like nothing had happened, but at the same time they didn't dwell on it. They let me work out my feelings on my own, but they were there for me if I needed them. Treating me like I was supposed to be an emotional wreck would have been the fastest way to actually make me one. It took time, but I got over it, and your cousin will too.

And have faith in the victim's chances at recovery. I had my accident because the pedestrian was drunk and crossing a highway at night. I hit him going roughly 50mph. He was helicoptered from the scene and spent weeks in a coma, but eventually recovered.
posted by indyz at 9:58 PM on March 25, 2008 [5 favorites]

I love you.

That's what you tell your cousin. There are few more healing things than to know that you're loved.

Beyond that, you can tell your cousin and family that you're available to talk or listen. You can also say that you'll help them through the aftermath. But mostly, tell them that you love them.
posted by 26.2 at 10:00 PM on March 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

I'm similar to indyz above, I need space to deal with things and can get annoyed by 'gestures' even though I know the intentions are good.
You probably have an idea how your cousin is in that sense if you consider. In that sense the care package idea is not (IMHO) bad form at all (probably a great idea,) but I could see it backfiring with certain personality and relationship types.
posted by oblio_one at 10:09 PM on March 25, 2008

If/when your cousin starts driving again, get them a really good pair of sunglasses. The best ones for driving are polarized and don't seem to be dark at all. But they cut down glare from the sun enough that you can almost stare into it.

You can safely wear good sunglasses for a little while after the sun has set. This is key when you are driving with mixed sun/shade and limited visibility.

Expect to pay around $150 or so.
posted by b1tr0t at 10:29 PM on March 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

If it were me, "it wasn't your fault" wouldn't be helpful.

The responses are interesting -- a range of responses. Makes me think that you're the best judge, because it depends so much upon the individual.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 11:12 PM on March 25, 2008

Could you offer (through your cousin's mother) to host your cousin in your state for a few days once everything calms down? I think it might be a huge relief for him/her to be able to escape for a few days. It might also help him/her gain some perspective.
posted by jrichards at 5:32 AM on March 26, 2008

You probably should say something to indicate that you don't hold your cousin responsible for the accident, but I think that the best ways to support or help don't involve addressing the accident directly (unless your cousin brings the topic up). e.g. jrichards' suggestion.
posted by winston at 7:10 AM on March 26, 2008

ClaudiaCenter: If the person dies, then you may want to remind your cousin that two lost lives does not somehow "even the scales" of the first lost life. It's just another lost life.

I wanted to superduper emphasize this.
posted by desjardins at 8:39 AM on March 26, 2008

If/when your cousin starts driving again, get them a really good pair of sunglasses.

I can't recommend strongly enough that you don't do this. If your cousin is dealing with feelings of guilt, nothing emphasizes the fact more than providing something that says, hey, these will keep you from doing the same thing in the future, and would have kept you from doing it in the first place. A gift like this subtly suggests negligence, even if it's not the intent.
posted by SpacemanStix at 10:45 AM on March 26, 2008

If/when your cousin starts driving again, get them a really good pair of sunglasses.

I can't recommend strongly enough that you don't do this.

I didn't see it that way at all. It's about helping the person find tools that make him feel more confident. It's not that it was negligent to drive with non-polarized glasses.

Perhaps, you need to just put all of these ideas in your back pocket. Use whichever ones seem to be appropriate.
posted by 26.2 at 11:25 AM on March 26, 2008

Something similar happened to me when I was in my early twenties: I was making a turn, the sun was in my eyes, and I didn't see the guy on the motorcycle until he had crashed into my car. The hour when I had to stand there and look at his wrecked bike and the paramedics loading him into the ambulance was probably one of the worst in my life, and I can't imagine if your cousin is living with that kind of guilt long-term.

I'm not really sure what would help in her case, but what didn't help me were people who kept telling me it wasn't my fault. What I really wanted more than anything was someone to say they loved me, that it didn't change their opinion of me, and to repeat that over and over patiently, because I'm quite sure the first or second time around it would never have made it into my head. My family was available when I needed to talk through what I was feeling, and I remember how much that helped--not what they were saying back so much as that they were willing to listen. I think she might be comforted if you keep periodically in touch and project a warm presence--taking care that she knows you're concerned about her and haven't changed in your opinion about her.
posted by elisynn at 11:59 AM on March 26, 2008

I want to thank everyone for their insight. Especially those who have been through this. I think I will send them a care package with a not-too-sappy card letting them know how much I love them and that I am thinking of them and give them my number and say to call if ever they need someone to talk to. Thank you all again.
posted by MayNicholas at 6:10 PM on March 26, 2008

A gift like this subtly suggests negligence, even if it's not the intent.

Obviously you want to do this in a positive way. That having been said, sunglasses are an important piece of safety equipment when driving. If you are blinded by the sun because you don't have good sunglasses, you are being negligent. Communicating this effectively and with sensitivity is left as an exercise to the reader.
posted by b1tr0t at 8:27 PM on March 26, 2008

That having been said, sunglasses are an important piece of safety equipment when driving.

Undoubtedly. My concern is whether or not it's the place of the OP to be bringing this up, if her intent is to encourage her cousin, not point out what could have been done differently. Your point regarding negligence and having good sunglasses is what I think will be internalized, and I'm not sure that's what the OP is going for here.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:40 AM on March 27, 2008