Somehow-etiquetteFilter : a question on everything that surrounds it

March 21, 2008 12:10 PM

Related to This post on what defines sophistication, and as a student, i believe there may be people who would be interested in books on the topic (aside of non-verbal language books)...

Especially those who wouldn't know how to read the vibes that come off the ones around them.

Would anyone know a book on classiness, sophistication, manners (not necessarily etiquette), and PC things, to hold to, in different environments, and regarding different settings ? (i.e family, in laws, school, grad school, "relaxed" hangout time with friends (when impressions, and therefore relationships can be at stake) ?
NB : I'm not in for infos on how to appear uptight, out of reach, or like a show off, but for this simple code that lets people appear genuine, easy-going, still with values, and open-minded enough to catch attention without ever looking for it.

(as a european, i have never heard and probably never will, hear of such a thing as classes on political correctness, etc..) but am simply looking out to decipher social codes better. Thank you for your infos, and any such manual you may know of. Oh, and yes, I have done drama in the past, and am aware of the many lessons it does teach ;)

posted by Jireel to human relations (7 comments total)

Read American editions of GQ, Outside, Esquire, etc.
Invaluable guides to what "some people" value these days. YMMV.
posted by Dizzy at 12:28 PM on March 21, 2008

This question might have what you're looking for.
posted by LobsterMitten at 1:25 PM on March 21, 2008

You might find How to Be a Gentleman or How to Be a Lady very useful. I've read both, and as preachy as the titles might seem the lessons within are actually quite useful, and I'd recommend them to 99.9% of young people (and most adults). Nothing specific on conversation or body language, but lots of information on how to politely handle yourself in the world, which goes a long way towards influencing how people receive you.
posted by schroedinger at 1:27 PM on March 21, 2008

For advice specific to academia, you might do well to read Ms. Mentor.
posted by dizziest at 1:40 PM on March 21, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

David DeAngelo's Body Language DVD *cough*torrent*ahem* teaches exactly this, although it's presented from the specific angle of using your "presence" to attract women. Works great for projecting a confident, leadership image for other interactions, too -- family, friends, business, etc.

And once you "get it", you'll be able to read body language in others, both men and women, much more effectively as well. I swear, it's almost like reading minds sometimes.
posted by LordSludge at 3:14 PM on March 21, 2008

Actually : ANY ressources, movies or books containing fairly good examples for my request, would be more than welcome... Pictures and the vivid memories of films can do wonders as well, im sure :)
posted by Jireel at 3:21 PM on March 22, 2008

Sophistication?
In general?
This is a slippery fish, but off the top of my head I submit these as points on a very personal spectrum:

Films---

"The Thin Man" series: A smart, funny, assertive couple treat all people they encounter (Lords, Ladies, Mugs and Pugs) with respect and tact. The embodiment of zest and ease.

"The Apartment": Billy Wilder's scathingly bleak take on power transactions amongst the corporate elite (White male middle-managers) and their less empowered female co-workers. Shiny, brittle, mean people who are very "knowing".

"Being There": Peter Sellars as a "tabula rasa" (less kindly, i.e. less sophisticated people may perhaps use the phrase "idiot savant", but I am uncomfortable with this) who is just blank enough for Others Who Should Know Better to project their avatars of wise men and social saviors. Everyone is looking for a hero, but instead of looking within, they worship an untreated Asperger's patient. Who among these is actually the more "sophisto...?" Hmmm.

Food---

Do not confuse sophisticated food with "fancy" food.
Learn and learn well how to take simple elements ( for example, assorted vegetables, a chicken, seasonings) and transform them into nurturing and satisfying acts of sharing. Learn to make 5 assorted dishes really, really well. Julia Child is the acme of sophisticated cookery, yet the principles at the core of her teaching are honest, true, and logical. Be brave in this! Taking risks with your mouth is a hallmark of curiousity, and adventure is sophistication on a plate.

Seek out experts on wine and other beverages. They will not scorn you for not knowing; they will respect you for trying. This applies to many, many things.

If you are being served food and drink in a restaurant, be kind to your servers. A sophisticated person is always gentle towards those whose jobs it is to please. Tip. Over-tip. But be discreet.
Showiness is not sophisticated-- it is the opposite of it. An honest compliment is also a delight to give as well as to receive.

Other People---

Giving your full attention to another is the highest sophistication. Actively listening, thoughtfully responding, and letting others feel comfortable with your presence is truly sophisticated.
But so is being playful! You don't have to try sooo hard. Enjoying what you're doing Right Now, Right Here, is a delight!
If you spill something, or break something, or offend someone, or snort when you laugh or sneeze and forget to cover your nose---Apologize For Real And Move On!
People WANT TO LIKE YOU. It takes so much energy to sneer. Too much.

Apologies For Blabbing On and On---

See what I just did? I let you know that I'm self-aware. I don't wish to lecture you or bore you or judge you-- I'm too sophisticated for that!
I just want you to see that there are a trillion flavors of this stuff. Some good, some bad.
I think you were brave to raise this question.
Enjoy what and who you are. Be really kind to others. Keep being curious.
I'm still working on these things myself.
Hope I helped!
posted by Dizzy at 6:54 PM on March 22, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]