How to end a dysfunctional relationship without being a total jerk?

March 17, 2008 9:42 PM

I have been in what I think is a co-dependant relationship for over four years, and things have been hard recently for me to recover from mental illness and start working again. I think we are simply stuck in a rut now, I also feel more like a good friend or roommate rather than a romantic partner (that's probably at least 50% my fault though as I have low libido anyway) and it's best we are apart. But this woman has become incredibly dependant on me, and since I am the wimpy "avoid confrontation at all costs" type I have kept quiet about my problems. How can I gracefully leave without totally pulling the rug from under her and without her hating me and all men forever?

I got some helpful advice from MeFite's about a big problem in our relationship - me not being able to go out socially or to work - see

http://ask.metafilter.com/83959/How-can-my-girlfriend-reduce-her-anxiety-so-I-can-go-out-socially

I would like to work, to go a 2-week vacation every year and have a good social life (going out at least 1-2 times a week) but because of her illness my girlfriend is unable to participate in any of that, and can't cope with me doing them either. I have let the problem grow and grow and now it has become a major thing between us, and I know it's her mental illness and not her fault. I was finally able to go out socially a couple of weeks ago and had a really great time - by comparison with the lively group chat when the two of us are together we just watch DVDs or complain about our health problems, so now I feel what I am missing out on even more and actually feel worse than I did when we jointly wrote that question. The second problem is, through no fault of her own, I see her more like a dear and trusted friend and my romantic feelings seem to be disappearing (I wish they weren't as this is the only long-lasting relationship I've had and with my social anxiety and impotence I would have a very hard time finding another i.e. think years not months).

A third problem has been since I officially started staying with her and her mum in December, after selling my house. I had actually stayed with them for a full year before (at her request), since my gf had separation anxiety when I stayed in my own place since the end of 2006, but somehow not having my own place makes me feel dependant in an unhealthy way and also gives me incredible feelings of guilt (I think the precise term is cognitive dissonance) that they are letting me stay practically rent-free while in my heart I am thinking if we continue to stay together I will never meet my social and travel goals.

So how do get out of this terrible mess? Looking at things as a ruthless person would I might want to stay until I had a new flat or job arranged, rather than watch as my £50,000 (around $100,000) deposit for a flat gets whittled down due to rent - as I said I still need to get myself back in mental shape for work again. But I am not a ruthless person and I feel I am doing this person a grave disservice by continuining in this relationship which now feels more like a good friendship complicated by her anxiety disorders.

My gut feeling is to end it, but I have no clue how to do that without tearing her heart into a million pieces. I am the first boyfriend she has ever had which makes me feel even more responsible. She has been a dear friend to me and even now she gives me a lot of companionship, sadly since I am impotent we have never had a sex life, but now I feel we are like some old couple once the spark has gone from their relationship.

Any help/ feedback from anyone who has ever been in a similar situation would greatly help. If I handle the situation right I think I can keep my best friend at least partially in my life, if I handle it badly I will cause a good person lots of psychological pain, so your advice could be very valuable to me. Please help!

posted by anonymous to human relations (5 comments total)

Four years is quite an investment. Sometimes things change and things fade and you need to do what you need to do, but perhaps you should seek couples therapy to talk about how this issue is affecting your relationship. At the very least, you two need to be absolutely clear about how you feel about the other person's actions, be they your needs as a person or her reactions to your decisions. It's worth tackling head on in as open and direct a way as possible, making sure to always let the other person know that you care for them very deeply. Don't phrase it as a "last stand" of your relationship - really try to relax and be the best people you can to one another.

That said, you asked how to end it, not how to keep on truckin'. I apologize. She obviously means a lot to you, but if you're not connecting socially, physically, or emotionally right now, then something needs to change. If, after trying your very hardest and making sure she tries her very hardest, you two still can't work things out, then you need to be the "bad guy" and separate in as kind, direct, and clear a way as possible. It doesn't sound like she's going to react well at first, but you can't be someone else's crutch, even if they're wonderful people - unless, of course, taking care of her outweighs your other needs. And if you have a sincere, open attempt to reconcile your problems, then it's going to go down a lot easier for the both of you - if you're being open and caring, everyone is going to know why things didn't work out, despite good intentions, and there will be full explanations and warnings about how something is missing long before anything titanic happens. So many misunderstandings and grudges can vanish if you just talk about stuff in a fairly serious manner.

It's up to you, but you're not being nice if you're staying with her just to avoid a scene. You don't want to grow into a bitter, angry person - you could wind up doing something much worse than break up with her if you keep avoiding this issue and staying with her as if it's some sort of obligation.

The housing situation is awkward. You should plan for the eventuality that you might have to leave in a huff and take a financial hit, even if it's just for a month or two as you get things together. Your lack of independence in this regard is awfully "convenient" in how it traps you! But, it doesn't need to be that way. However, it would probably be best to have a healthy discussion with regard to how you've become old friends and not boyfriend and girlfriend. Try living together as these "old friends" for a bit while you two get used to the new life situation, if you can manage it (bad idea to date in this time, btdubs). OTOH, this would probably not be a great time to live with her mom.

As you describe her, it sounds like her separation anxiety might cause her to react poorly, but the flip-side could be that she needs someone to care for her, and not a true boyfriend right now. Please don't take this the wrong way, but it doesn't sound like either one of you is ready for a mature relationship right now - you need your space and she needs someone always literally by her side. That's going to get pretty rough in four more years.

Treat this gracefully and you may be to able to keep a friend. Best of luck. Message me if you like.
posted by Sticherbeast at 10:25 PM on March 17, 2008

50,000 pounds is a fairly big cushion- in your position, I would immediately find a place to stay other than GF's house, and I would focus upon getting into a position where I could start working as soon as possible.

Re: your concerns about how to do any of this w/o being a total jerk, breaking up with your girlfriend because you no longer want to be in a relationship which is not healthy for you is not a jerkish move. Staying in her house to build up your emotional reserves and keep your nest egg intact while planning to leave her sounds like a much more jerkish option. While your concerns about your savings are valid, you clearly understand that are doing yourself no favors by continuing to live with your girlfriend, and I think that you are not doing her any favors either, by staying with her out some of sense of duty. Ultimately, she needs to find her own ways to effectively deal with her problems. As you realize, that is her responsibility, and staying in her house is hindering both of you.

As far as how to deliver any of this to your GF, I don't think that you can do anything other than be honest. Telling her that you feel more like a good friend than a romantic partner, that you would like a have a good social life, that ultimately you no longer want to be with her - those are things that almost certainly will hurt her, because breakups hurt. But they are not by themselves jerkish sentiments.

As for what you can salvage of this relationship, that depends upon not only your actions, but also hers. By being honest about why you want out (focusing upon how your feelings have changed, and not upon her problems), and how you would like to remain friends, you give her a chance to respond. Her response may not be what you want, she may not want to stay "only" friends after this, or at least not at first. But that is her decision, just as the decision to break up is yours. Each of you has responsibility for your own actions and emotions, and not the others. Best of luck in whatever course of action you decide.
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 11:09 PM on March 17, 2008

You're not married to her, so you're not under any obligation to stay with her. It sounds like being with her is unhealthy for you and you should leave ASAP. This will be best for both of you in the long run to end it as soon as possible instead of continuing to waste time in a relationship that you know is doomed (especially one that is holding you back in so many ways!).

It sounds like she already understands that she's bad for you so this won't be a complete surprise... "I'm sorry, this just isn't working for me, I hope we can be friends, but right now I need to be on my own and take care of myself." She will be really, really upset, of course, but at some point you have to decide that's not your problem anymore. It's not your job to fix her or manage her emotions.

I can understand not wanting to pay a lot for rent or be locked into a lease while shopping for a new home, so maybe renting a room month-to-month would be a good idea until you figure out where you want to live and work. If you can find a room in a place with nice, sociable roommates that might even be good for you (as long as you can go in your room and close the door when you need alone time).

Line up the new place and whatever moving help you need BEFORE you announce the breakup, because if she and/or her mother reacts angrily you might be thrown out immediately.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:34 AM on March 18, 2008

I think the quick break is the kindest. Get a place to stay first, then sit her down and tell her that you are leaving and why. Then...leave.

Worrying about how she's going to deal with it, trying to make it hurt less and feeling bad because you're her first boyfriend is just your codependence talking. You're not responsible for how she reacts to this - but you are responsible for how you go about it. Honesty and speed is the best, in my opinion.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 8:07 AM on March 18, 2008

- My gut feeling is to end it

End it, unless you have a history of irrational urges to leave.

- with my social anxiety and impotence I would have a very hard time finding another

You will find someone else.

- If I handle the situation right I think I can keep my best friend at least partially in my life, if I handle it badly I will cause a good person lots of psychological pain

Under any circumstances, she will feel a lot of pain and not be able to be your friend (at least, not in actuality, even if she tries to keep up appearances) for some time. Just know that, but you'll be okay.

- How can I gracefully leave without ... her hating me and all men forever?

You can't control how she feels about all men. Don't carry that burden.

- How can I gracefully leave without totally pulling the rug from under her

Same way you'd do with a roommate, "I'll pay rent for the next 30 days while you find someone else"

Do what your gut tells you. You can't make this easy on her. You can't carry that burden. She'll be happier with someone who wants to be with her.
posted by salvia at 12:09 AM on March 19, 2008