Psyche is a slippery slope. Advice on dating as a thirtysomething college student?

March 16, 2008 7:18 PM

Psyche is a slippery slope. Advice on dating as a thirtysomething college student?

After 2 very LTRs (5 years, 7 years) and one career as an athlete, life threw a few curveballs and I now find myself a 37 year old female, in college finishing up my undergrad before Pharmacy school.

And single.

I am not, nor have I ever been a 'gotta have a man around' type of gal, and have been single for about 2 years now. The relationships I have had, long and short, have all been kind to me. I grew a ton, and am still on good terms with all of my exes. The longing that I feel to share 'life' with someone has kinda crept up on me.

I spent my previous years ultra focused on performance and self, and anything else in life that I was missing out on being a part of ended up as dots on the rearview.

I feel lonely for the first time in my life, and aware. I see these as good things. Problem is, I have settled into a town where I do not have long term connections, and my 'peers' are currently of the 19-25 age group. Not a good dating pool.

I am active, run in a running group, go to various functions around town, but I am not a bar or dance club girl.

How do I meet more of 'our people' in my age range my fellow metafites?

More friends of any kind is a cool thing, and if I could meet someone to dig, well even cooler.

posted by caveat empress to human relations (16 comments total)

There's probably lots of single male staff members at your school. Craigslist is a good resource. I'm staff at a big U, 28 years old, and I'm dating a 32 year old grad student.
posted by SpecialK at 7:41 PM on March 16

Don't totally count out the younger students. My mom went back to uni in her mid 30's and met my dad, who was/is 9 years younger.
posted by zarah at 7:46 PM on March 16 [1 favorite]

Grad students are another option. Some are like you, coming back after some experience in the field. They might be old enough to meet your age requirements.
posted by cm at 7:49 PM on March 16

You'd be surprised at how many older, non-traditional students (grad and undergrad alike) are out there. Though many are not into hanging out at the traditional student watering holes, so you might have to make more of an effort to seek them out.

And there's always online dating.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 7:52 PM on March 16

Hmmm... I did not know that staff and students could date. Interesting!

I am totally open to younger guys, my last boyfriend was 7 years younger. I draw the line at teenagers;)

To be honest, I feel unsure of myself in this realm for the first time in my life. And I cannot say that it is terrible. I like the feeling of change and uncertainty from time to time. I am just trying to get my bearings.

I appreciate the feedback and ideas, this is new territory.
posted by caveat empress at 7:56 PM on March 16

As far as online dating goes... Does anyone have opinions or experienes what is out there, or could suggest a few good sites to check out?
posted by caveat empress at 8:00 PM on March 16

okcupid is the coolest I've ever seen. In my area though, not that many people are on it. Which is weird. Because it's free. And cool. And kind of fun.
posted by sully75 at 8:18 PM on March 16

I'm a 29 year old undergrad. I met the person I'm currently dating through a volunteer program at my school. (We both teach high school students on the weekends. Also, we're both non-traditional, older students.) My situation is slightly different since I'm in a large city, and it seems that your dating pool is much smaller.

Is there a place nearby where graduate students hang out? You could also try the online dating stuff, but I can't offer any advice on that. Are there any interesting extracurricular programs that you can get involved with through school? (I mean, hell, it worked for me...)
posted by peeet at 8:18 PM on March 16

Careful about dating staff. The rules for that vary from school to school I suspect.
posted by cm at 8:42 PM on March 16

caveat empress: Check out okcupid. I'm a 30 yr old grad student who dates there (but not where you are, obviously).
posted by special-k at 9:48 PM on March 16

Seconding okcupid. I've met some great people that way. It takes sometime to get your profile setup, but it really helps you zero in on the "types" (hate that word) of people you're looking for. (Plus it's free.)
posted by wfrgms at 10:49 PM on March 16

In my experience, the quality of men on pay dating sites (www.match.com, etc.) is much higher than that of free sites (Craigslist, etc.). Plus, Craigslist is full of weirdos, so don't post there unless you want to collect pictures of strangers' penises. Regardless of which site(s) you use, you will probably receive more responses than you can handle because of the gender imbalance in online dating favoring women and because of many men's strategies. Many men just spam form letters to every woman who posts an ad (or whose picture they like) so be on the lookout for emails that sound like that and screen them out, or you'll end up on first dates with men who are totally unsuitable, know nothing about you, and are just there because they're hoping that you're easy. Don't write back to men you're not interested in (even if you think that's rude) because unfortunately too many of them become abusively hostile or even stalkerish in response to a polite "no, thank you," and it's just not worth the time or risk to correspond with men that you know that you don't want to date.

Although men will ultimately love or not love you based on who you are, to be initially even considered for a relationship you first need to meet their minimum standards for physical attractiveness. (Although this is obvious to most people, I've found that some women don't get it, so I'm mentioning it.) It's just the way men are wired. So be sure to fix yourself up and look your best when you go someplace you might meet suitable men and on first dates with online matches. Now is a good time to get in shape, a pretty haircut, an attractive, feminine wardrobe, and start wearing makeup if you don't have/do those things already. Be energetic, happy, and smile.

At 37, the most important issue that affects what dating strategy you should pursue is whether or not you want to have biological children. Unfortunately, since your fertility is already in rapid decline, you need to decide that NOW, before you start dating anyone.

If you do want kids, you need to look for a different kind of man and relationship than if you just want to date and have fun. Someone you'd want to marry, who'd want to marry you, who wants kids, and who would be a good father. Don't waste your time with men or relationships that you don't see leading to marriage and children -- you don't have time to just date someone for 5-7 years anymore. (Also, if you want kids, do you have time for years of pharmacy school on top of however long it's going to take you to finish your undergraduate degree?) www.eharmony.com is a good dating site for people seeking marriage.

If you don't want kids (or marriage), you should make that clear upfront too (in your personal ad and/or first three dates). Many otherwise suitable men avoid dating women your age because of the (mostly accurate) stereotype of single childless women in their late 30's being desperate to get married and have babies -- men who know that they don't want that tend to go for either younger women or explicitly childfree women. You also don't want to waste the time of a man who does want kids if you don't -- mid/late 30's seems to be when most men's "biological clocks" kick in, so men your age will likely be thinking about this if they do want kids, and they might assume that you want them too if you don't say anything.

Good luck!
posted by Jacqueline at 2:36 AM on March 17

I just had a crash and burn experience trying to date a 33 year old who has had a string of long, long LTRs. So basically never dated anyone. I'd say if you don't want people to end up hating you, realize that flirting all over the place with guys that you aren't interested in is going to be problematic. Not sure if this applies to you or not. But I think a certain amount of clarity and forthrightness about what you are looking for is going to be your friend.
posted by sully75 at 4:27 AM on March 17

My view.. as a male in a similar situation. (I totally feel your frustration.) (sorry this came out so long. But hope its helpful, if nothing else, your not alone in those feelings)

I'm about to turn 35, I'm fairly independent (dont "NEED" a gf, but would like one). Been single for a few years. On good terms with all ex's. But I live in a college town where most of the activity seems to be in the 18-25 group. It seems harder and harder to find dateable people in my age range (for me, +/- 8-ish years), and after finding them, harder still to find someone I "click" with.

I've tried online stuff (okcupid, craigslist,etc).. but it really hasnt led to anything substantial. I dont know if thats because of where I live, or the social makeup. I do get responses, but 9 out of 10 are not the type of women I'd be interested in. I try to be active in the social scene, however most of my friends my age are far to busy and we only have time for drinks about once a month. I'm not the "bars and loud music" type of person (I just dont feel thats a good place to meet quality people).

Having said that... here are the types of places I wish my city had that I would feel comfortable meeting people (these are just ideas of things you might look for in your city)

1.) some type of bar thats not a 'meat-market" and not so freaking loud you cant hear yourself think. I'd love to see a relaxed environment, where each table has its own little "alcove" / theme . Give people enough space and things to do (random pool table here, bookcase full of books there, etc. For gods sake give it some character. )

2.) a combination bookstore/coffee shop, that actually has some atmosphere instead of the typical "lets smash together a Barnes/Noble and Starbucks and call it good". Hint to store designers everywhere: straight-back chairs and small square tables are not comfortable. Having an entire store with only 1 or 2 leather chairs is total "FAIL".

3.) Sometime of event where everyone can be involved. I'd love for my city to have a MAKE event every month. (or something similar) that I could walk around and check out peoples ideas and strike up conversations.

4.) I'd totally dig on regular (monthly?) costume/themed dances. 1940's night, Disco night, swing night, techno night, etc,etc. I'm a horrible dancer, but i'd definitely put effort into having a good time.

I know how it is. You're looking for some meaningful content that is also still fun. Unfortunately, as our culture seems to be more and more shallow and meaningless, its beginning to dawn on me that have to get out there and make/create the reality I want to see. Difficult part about that is getting enough inertia (socially) to get it rolling in the first place.
posted by jmnugent at 5:10 AM on March 17 [1 favorite]

Wow- a ton of great responses that gave great advice and have been thought provoking... plus someone I know is playig matchmaker due to the posting!

Thank you all for your input!
posted by caveat empress at 8:41 AM on March 18

Forgot to come back here. I don't do the pay sites as a guy because I think the pay sites are *heavily* weighted towards guys that pay for it in order to contact women, and I never seem to get any response. $40/mo is expensive for something that doesn't get me any responses. Match.com has forever earned my distrust. Several times, I've found profiles of married female friends showing up in searches with info and pictures from back when they were in college and showing them as 'online now' -- even though they're sitting next to me at work and are most decidedly not on match.com.

Try responding to some guys' ads on craigslist. I wouldn't expose yourself to the horror of actually posting an ad as a chick on craigslist, but it's OK to respond to guys ads if you like what they're saying.
posted by SpecialK at 6:51 PM on March 23