Comments on: Satisfaction brought it back

Question: Satisfaction brought it back

markovich — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:14:22 -0800

What are retorts for some common sayings? For example, when people say: "The early bird gets the worm", you could retort "The second mouse gets the cheese". Which other ones are out there?

By: LN

LN — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:21:07 -0800

"There's always one old shoe to fit another old shoe"

Response: "Some pots are made without lids."

By: carolr

carolr — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:22:42 -0800

"Curiosity killed the cat."

"Satisfaction brought him back."

By: stenoboy

stenoboy — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:23:24 -0800

When you tell kids off for eating with their fingers and they say, "Fingers were made before forks," I like to retort, "Yeah, but yours weren't."

By: bondcliff

bondcliff — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:23:55 -0800

"The squeaky wheel gets the oil" / "It's also the first one to get replaced."

A while back I posted a comment "Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.", to which someone responded "Tell that to someone who had polio as a child."

I haven't used that phrase since. They totally ruined it for me.

By: BuddhaInABucket

BuddhaInABucket — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:24:13 -0800

Real life is not monkey island, guys.

By: theseampsgoto11

theseampsgoto11 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:24:20 -0800

I had a college professor who suggested responding to "age before beauty" with "pearls before swine."

By: pushing paper and bottoming chairs

pushing paper and bottoming chairs — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:24:50 -0800

"Better late than never"

Retort: "Better never late"

By: kitkatcathy

kitkatcathy — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:25:39 -0800

See you later alligator / After a while crocodile

and just in time for St. Paddy's Day...
Top o' the morning to you / And the rest of the day to yourself

By: Metroid Baby

Metroid Baby — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:26:07 -0800

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy, but socially dead."

By: allkindsoftime

allkindsoftime — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:27:03 -0800

My dad used to tell us to "Eat that, it will put hair on your chest." To which I finally learned the retort: "Hair doesn't grown on steel, dad."

Also:

The early bird gets the worm, but the early worm gets eaten.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

By: gmarceau

gmarceau — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:28:33 -0800

... then again, the early worm gets eaten by the bird.

By: Metroid Baby

Metroid Baby — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:29:01 -0800

A lot of Demotivators address common cliches, by the way.

By: Cuppatea

Cuppatea — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:29:50 -0800

"Too many cooks spoil the broth" vs "Many hands make light work"

By: Drastic

Drastic — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:33:32 -0800

"There's no 'I' in 'team'!"

"There's no 'you' either."

By: LN

LN — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:35:41 -0800

To crib Bill Cosby:

"It builds character." "Yes, but what if you're an asshole?"

By: baphomet

baphomet — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:36:53 -0800

"Nuh uh."

"YUH HUH."

By: Miko

Miko — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:39:29 -0800

My dad sometimes says "on the one hand, [blah blah blah]...and on the other hand, you have five fingers."

If someone says to a 3rd person in the conversation "I think you have a point," he'll add this: "...But if you comb your hair right you can cover it up."

We sometimes ask him "Would you mind saying grace?" so he can respond "Grace."

By: solipsophistocracy

solipsophistocracy — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:40:49 -0800

"You're stupid."

"Um, your stupid."

By: INTPLibrarian

INTPLibrarian — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:42:56 -0800

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder" / "Out of sight, out of mind."

By: ignignokt

ignignokt — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:45:58 -0800

[Insert any aphorism here.]
"He who dealt it smelt it."

By: LN

LN — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:48:04 -0800

Nice one, Miko! My Dad's favourite is, "my opinion, and a dollar twenty-five, will get you a cup of coffee."

By: Planet F

Planet F — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:49:14 -0800

I tend to respond to many insults/statements with "your mom"

yes, i do in fact know that I'm very clever to have come up with that one all by myself.

By: randomstriker

randomstriker — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:51:52 -0800

"He who smelled it dealt it"

"He who said the rhyme did the crime"

By: randomstriker

randomstriker — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:52:42 -0800

"You're stupid."

"Um, your stupid."

"I know you are but what am I?"

By: Miko

Miko — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:55:59 -0800

Oh, another!

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
"An onion a day keeps everybody away."

By: kimota

kimota — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:57:50 -0800

Nobody likes a smart ass, but everybody loves a clown.

By: GhostintheMachine

GhostintheMachine — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 12:59:49 -0800

"Look before you leap" vs. "Fortune favours the bold" (or "He who hesitates is lost").

What's this for, anyway?

By: johngoren

johngoren — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:02:38 -0800

Act in haste, repent at leisure / A stitch in time saves nine.

By: fogonlittlecatfeet

fogonlittlecatfeet — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:07:29 -0800

in addition to the "there is no I in team"... "But there is a ME"

By: kindall

kindall — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:08:46 -0800

"Keep an open mind"

"But not so open your brain falls out"

By: Oriole Adams

Oriole Adams — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:10:28 -0800

"Sweets for the sweet." "Here, have some nuts."

By: TedW

TedW — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:10:48 -0800

He who hesitates is lost/ look before you leap.

By: ctmf

ctmf — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:11:13 -0800

The squeaky wheel gets the grease
but,
The nail that sticks out is the one that gets hammered.

And to steal from Catch 22:
What if everyone went around [doing X]?
Then I'd be a fool not to do X, wouldn't I?

By: Melismata

Melismata — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:15:33 -0800

Some bumper stickers I've seen:

"My football player can beat up your honor student" ("My child is an honor student at ----")

"Visualize whirled peas" ("Visualize world peace")

"Nice people swallow" ("Mean People Suck")

Bumper sticker "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty" cut just right to read "Practice random and sensless acts"

By: greenland

greenland — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:18:15 -0800

"Always be yourself / Unless you suck"

The jet engine retort was a staple of my adolescent years. My own version was "Birds who fly too high get sucked into jet engines".

By: sour cream

sour cream — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:21:05 -0800

"Give a man a fish and you have fed him for a day. Teach him how to fish and you feed him for the rest of his life."

"Give a man a match and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

By: Gomez_in_the_South

Gomez_in_the_South — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:25:59 -0800

At school when someone was caught with their fly down ...
     XYZ      (eXamine Your Zip)
to which, if you thought they were bluffing, you would reply ...
     ABC      (Already Been Checked)
which could be followed by ...
     DEF      (Don't Ever Forget)

By: nomisxid

nomisxid — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:28:12 -0800

Whenever someone says "I'll be right bach"
I always reply "And I'll be left beethoven!"

By: Lentrohamsanin

Lentrohamsanin — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:37:12 -0800

"The squeaky wheel gets the oil" / "It's also the first one to get replaced."

Or "the nail that sticks up gets hammered down".

By: Danf

Danf — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:38:07 -0800

"See ya later"

"Not if I see you first"

By: Slarty Bartfast

Slarty Bartfast — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:41:59 -0800

"Never put off until tomorrow what can be done today."

"If you save everything til the last minute, it only takes a minute."

By: Max Power

Max Power — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:42:40 -0800

"There is no I in team"

"but there is one in win"

By: rocket88

rocket88 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 13:50:06 -0800

I always follow "It's a small world" with "...but I wouldn't want to paint it."

By: Mr. Ugh

Mr. Ugh — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:03:16 -0800

I forget what this is from, I think a tv show:

You can catch more flies with honey that you can with vinegar...

...but only a hillbilly sits around thinking up ways to catch flies.

By: NoraCharles

NoraCharles — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:03:47 -0800

Remark: "I'm pissed off!"
Reply: "Better to be pissed off than pissed on."

Remark: "I'm hanging in there."
Reply: "Better than hanging out there."

Not really a reply to a remark, but when someone trips over their feet, I've always enjoyed, "Nice trip, see you next fall."

By: BitterOldPunk

BitterOldPunk — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:04:55 -0800

"Well, live and learn."

"Then die and forget it all."

By: ersatz

ersatz — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:21:47 -0800

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"

"Absence makes the heart go yonder!"

Dedicated to BuddhaInABucket.

By: Metroid Baby

Metroid Baby — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:26:58 -0800

The catch-all response, courtesy of Voltaire:

"A witty saying proves nothing."

By: Johnny Assay

Johnny Assay — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:29:28 -0800

"Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead."
– James Thurber

By: MrMoonPie

MrMoonPie — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:42:47 -0800

"There's no I in team!"
"No, but there's an m and an e."

"Two wrongs don't make a right"
"But three rights make a left"
or
"But three lefts do."

By: bartleby

bartleby — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 14:57:27 -0800

A:"Man, I'm overworked"
B:"C'mon, There's a light at the end of the tunnel"
A:"Yeah, but it's probably just some assh*le with a flashlight, bringing me more work"

By: bonaldi

bonaldi — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:00:18 -0800

"... but all my friends are doing it!"
"If your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it?"
"If they all came back and said it was the greatest thing ever, yes!"

By: essexjan

essexjan — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:19:46 -0800

If someone holds the door and says "Age before beauty", sweep through, saying "Pearls before swine"

By: sephira

sephira — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:21:57 -0800

"Two wrongs don't make a right!"
"But two Wrights make a plane!"

By: quin

quin — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:26:00 -0800

On someone commenting about the relative ease of doing something, my friend likes to reply "Yeah? And everything's portable with a big enough truck"

By: vito90

vito90 — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:47:24 -0800

"Some people say cucumbers taste better pickled". Can be used to respond to almost anything.

By: XMLicious

XMLicious — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 15:59:47 -0800

Something this thread is reminding me of that's almost the same thing is an old timin' scripture quotes duel, the sort that two preachers might have in a public debate (or in a setting like the movie O Brother, Where Art Thou?).

In some venue where Biblical quotations would be regarded as supreme authority two extremely Bible-literate intellectuals are taking opposite sides in a discussion on a topic that isn't clearly scripturally supported either way - so they can each keep pounding out quotes that can be framed as supporting their own opinion. Wish I could come up with an example of this but my Google-fu fails me and my own knowledge of the Bible is insufficient (though pretty good for an atheist in my estimation.)

By: ZakDaddy

ZakDaddy — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:09:02 -0800

"Great minds think alike."

"Fools never differ."

's all I got.

By: schrodycat

schrodycat — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:21:39 -0800

"You can't teach an old dog new tricks" and
"It's never too late to learn".

By: kindall

kindall — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:24:14 -0800

"Great minds think alike" also gets "So do mediocre ones."

By: Metroid Baby

Metroid Baby — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:45:48 -0800

My response to "Age before beauty" has always been to stop in my tracks and say "oh, okay, go ahead then."

By: penciltopper

penciltopper — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 16:56:11 -0800

I respond to "well, you can't have everything" with "yeah, where would you put it?" to which the astute reply "everywhere!"

and I don't know if this counts, but my favorite reply to a knock-knock joke is:
"Oh, that WAS funny. Want to hear my favorite knock-knock joke? Say Knock-knock"
OK, "Knock-knock"
"Who's there?" Grinning madly)

By: winston

winston — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:02:46 -0800

"You catch more flies with honey than vinegar"

This is actually not true. Especially with fruit flies, leaving a bowl of vinegar on the counter is a good trap. So you could challenge someone to try it out. If you leave a bowl of vinegar and a bowl with honey on the counter overnight, you'd find dead flies in the vinegar and not the honey.

By: the duck by the oboe

the duck by the oboe — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:07:33 -0800

"There's no I in team!"

"But there are two in salary differential!"

By: anitanita

anitanita — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 18:28:21 -0800

"If everyone jumped off of a bridge, would you?"

"Depends. Is the bridge on fire? Because if the bridge is on fire, I'm jumping. And I'd highly encourage you to join us."

By: StephenF

StephenF — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:00:08 -0800

allkindsoftime, in response to 'That'll put hair on your checst', my room-mate says 'No grass on granite', which he says is a common phrase in Danish.

By: StephenF

StephenF — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:04:05 -0800

Oh, and 'Life is what happens when you're making other plans' <> 'Fail to prepare, prepare to fail'.

By: mediareport

mediareport — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 19:06:31 -0800

My personal fave for "Curiosity killed the cat" is "Yeah, but monkeys are smarter."

I'm pretty sure I invented it. :)

By: TheSecretDecoderRing

TheSecretDecoderRing — Fri, 14 Mar 2008 21:38:57 -0800

If someone's cleaning something out, you can use a turn on this "Office" dialogue...

"They say a cluttered desk means a cluttered mind. Well I say an empty desk means an..."
"Empty mind."

By: dirigibleman

dirigibleman — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 00:23:47 -0800

You can catch more flies with honey that you can with vinegar

But you catch the most flies with bullshit.

By: whiskey point

whiskey point — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 09:07:52 -0800

"That's what she said!" (double entendre, works best for things that sound dirty)

Person 1:"Wow, that's ___(ugly, stupid, smelly, etc.)"
Person 2 "what do you think it's saying about you?"

Not quite what you're asking for, but some good, dumb (but true) sayings:
"Wherever you go, there ya are"
"I've met a lot of people in this world, and you're one of 'em"

I have a bunch more but can't think of them off the top of my head, I'll have a phone conversation with my old man and get back to you on this one.

By: Area Control

Area Control — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 11:21:00 -0800

I get this a lot, after doing something creative or unusual.

"You have way too much time on their hands."
Response: "Oh yeah, well you're lazy."

By: lalochezia

lalochezia — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 11:31:04 -0800

"There's no I in team"

my response (staircase wit of course)

"But there's a U in fuck off"

By: starman

starman — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 17:01:37 -0800

"Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana." -Groucho

By: BitterOldPunk

BitterOldPunk — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 18:57:06 -0800

It's "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

By: starman

starman — Sat, 15 Mar 2008 20:24:34 -0800

Yeah I've seen it both ways.

By: flutable

flutable — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 05:40:43 -0800

(comment on someone) ".... oh xxx is just a has-been"

My Dad's response: "better a has-been than a never-was".

By: maggieb

maggieb — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 11:58:40 -0800

To err is human

Getting revenge is divine

-- Alan Shore

By: yqxnflld

yqxnflld — Sun, 16 Mar 2008 19:17:21 -0800

From an episode of "All in the Family" - Archie (referring to his baldness): "Grass doesn't grow on a busy street." Edith: "It doesn't grow on concrete either."

By: rglasmann

rglasmann — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 20:16:02 -0800

My wife's 90 year old father would always respond to "How are you doing?" by saying "Doing all of them that I can. The easy ones twice."

Always cracked me right up.