How can I be a nicer person?

March 8, 2008 6:23 AM

This week, a friend/mentor died after an extended battle with cancer. I felt saddened by his death, but also extremely guilty - I had not visited him in more than six months. I know, some friend. But his death has made me reexamine myself and my relationships with friends and family.

Here's the issue: I feel like I'm too self-centered. I'm generally a nice guy, but only to a certain extent. I didn't visit my friend because there were other things I wanted to do. I am continually seeking more attention from my spouse; I don't spend enough time with my kids because I'm busy doing something I want to do; and I find it hard to concentrate on conversations with people who are talking about themselves or relaying a story. Procrastination is always a problem because, again, there's always something else more fun to do than take out the trash.

So I guess I need to learn to be more empathetic. I need to care less about myself and more about other things and other people. I know I'm setting myself up for criticism, but I need some direction here. Any ideas?

posted by anonymous to human relations (12 comments total)

The rewards from these other-centered activities are slow in coming, and take a while to learn to appreciate. Really. I'm working on this myself, and I hope I'm getting a little better, but it's taken time and having a slightly-older friend who is a sterling example of kindness.

My advice? Make yourself do some of these things that you feel you are neglecting. You'll then see how good it will make you feel -- not an instant rush, but a slow happiness and even a little pride in yourself -- pride isn't a sin as long as it isn't blind, superior, or ostentatious pride, I think. Make sure you connect the feelings with the deeds, because the real deal can happen long after the deeds themselves. Then, it will become easier.

And realize that a lot of people, especially more successful, educated people, are very self-centered. It may be that quality that helps them become more conventionally successful -- or that helped their parents become more conventionally successful, so that they themselves could be educated. I don't want to stereotype all successful or educated people as selfish, but what I do want to point out is that you may be surprised at how you end up feeling about a few of the more hilarious, clever, edgy individuals in your circle once you focus more on the true needs and feelings of people around you.
posted by amtho at 6:50 AM on March 8, 2008

I just realized that the end of my last paragraph sounded a little judgmental. A main point of the paragraph was to warn against being judgmental, to caution that we're all just doing the best we can.

Clearly, I need to continue to work on that.
posted by amtho at 6:53 AM on March 8, 2008

I don't think there is any technique to it beyond just being interested. Make yourself available to respond to what you notice. This is not the same as responding to everyone's last trifling desire. Find the healthy midpoint. Consider the possibility that some of the ways you spend your time are there primarily to function as excuses for not responding to what's going on around you. Take a look. If that turns out to be the case, you know enough to consciously make decisions that will take you where you want to go.
posted by BigSky at 7:16 AM on March 8, 2008

Carve out time for other people. How? Just ask your kids what they'd like to do this Saturday and whatever they want (within reasonable limits of course) do it and then view it as an opportunity to learn. So if they really want to go to that movie that just looks boring to you, instead of being bored, ask a few questions about who the stars are or other movies like it or some such. Then just listen. Most kids love having someone take an interest, so just ask and listen.

If it helps, do it in small doses first and then gradually build up to more time.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:21 AM on March 8, 2008

Selfishness is a mask. You need to learn to be more authentic and open. What you call being self-centered is just a way to keep people at arms length and not really engage. You don't know them and they don't know you. Drop the mask and be willing to be authentic.
posted by 45moore45 at 8:19 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I don't know how old you are. In the case of not visiting a dying friend, I think we all have them. My guilt/regret over not visiting people in my past enough is a huge motivator. Most of us are haunted by these memories by the time we reach our 40s, and it only gets worse.

I'd be more concerned with your kids though. Listen to Cat Stevens' A Child Was Born the Other Day? Look around at teenagers and see how many of them have fucked up relations with their parents? Then again, I'm not a parent, I'm just the adult son of two parents who actually took the time to know me as a child. I think my teenage years were easier for all parties because we were closer when I was young.
posted by gesamtkunstwerk at 8:20 AM on March 8, 2008

Forgot-- you didn't visit your friend because being around someone who is dying is uncomfortable and awkward, not because you had other things to do. Part of being authentic is not going on auto-pilot and accepting these easy excuses for yourself and really examining the "why" in your actions. Why do you avoid your kids? They won't be around forever, you don't get a second chance to raise them.
posted by 45moore45 at 8:22 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've experienced this myself and it seems like my problem is one of perspective. When I'm afraid that what I want isn't going to be important enough to others, I tend to become demanding and selfish. When I take a fresh look at the situation, I can see that others genuinely do care about me and what I want, and I can relax about having to have that reassurance every minute of the day. It's easier to give time and energy to others when I feel like I've had enough time to myself, and often that merely requires a shift in perspective rather than a redistribution of minutes and hours.
posted by desjardins at 8:29 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

I think some time management could work well for you. Making a schedule and sticking to it will help in pretty obvious ways. But I think it could help open up more time for you to spend on other people too. I think when most of us procrastinate, we put doing something off to spend time on ourselves. If you plan your time, hopefully you'll find that there's plenty of time to spend taking care of obligations, furthering your career, spending time with loved ones, and still some time to do things you want to do for yourself. It may also be helpful because it will help you prioritize and put things in perspective. It will help you figure out what the right balance of time is right for you to spend on self, career, others, etc. It will force you to sit down and really think about what's important.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 8:34 AM on March 8, 2008

I should add that I don't have kids or a family. So take this suggestion with a grain of salt. I know those can take up huge amounts of time. But the point is, no matter who you are, if you have a stable job and are making enough money to survive, and save some still, you can always decide to sacrifice a little more time from your job or other obligations, to spend with your family. Managing your time will help you decide if you want to do that, and how much exactly, and where else you can shift time around. Also, obviously when you have kids and a family, there will be times when they want or need your time, that you weren't able to plan for. You of course don't want to take this too far and say, sorry daughter, I already scheduled time to pay the bills right now, I can't go to your school play, see, it's written down right here. Anyhow, maybe others will come along with tips on balancing time with a family. Or maybe they'll come along and say I have no idea what I'm talking about.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 8:40 AM on March 8, 2008

I agree with 45moore, it sounds like you're using being busy/selfish to keep from getting too close to other people. Even the part about not wanting to listen when people talk about themselves - if you do, you're emotionally connected with them to an extent, and you just don't want to get involved. Maybe you procrastinate because deep down you're afraid of underperforming or being criticized by others when performing those tasks you're putting off.

How to fix? Probably baby steps, as has been suggested above - start scheduling at least one hour per weekend to spend exclusively with your children, things like that.
posted by Oriole Adams at 9:38 AM on March 8, 2008

What 45moore45 said. And what amtho said (you have to switch your perspective toward seeing this as a slow pay-off, building something long-term, activity).

Random note - a lot of what you describe could also be symptoms of ADHD. ("I find it hard to concentrate on conversations with people who are talking about themselves or relaying a story. Procrastination is always a problem") You might read some checklists, and if it sounds like you, ADHD forums or books would be another source of "how to" advice.
posted by salvia at 11:31 AM on March 8, 2008