bisexual/straight relationships...

March 8, 2008 8:17 AM

bisexual/straight relationships..

my story...
i'm a bisexual female and in a relationship with a straight male. i'm attracted to him on all levels and want strong relationship with him only, but when it comes to sex, besides him, i still need and want to be with a woman. He is open to me having sexual relationships with other women.

I need advice on how to make things work in the bedroom with this type of setup...things to say so i won't end up hurting my bf in anyway or the other party.

how is it working for you?

posted by anonymous to human relations (13 comments total)

Offer him to join you.
posted by PowerCat at 8:28 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

>Offer him to join you.

That becomes the rub. You want more, but are you willing to share him?

If the answer is yes, and he's game, good for you. Be safe and have fun.

If the answer is yes but he's not down for it, then you have to respect his wishes or move on.

If the answer is no, you really have to look deep into yourself and decide if it's fair for you to want more but not want more for him.

Good luck.
posted by phredgreen at 8:31 AM on March 8, 2008

See also
posted by Sys Rq at 8:33 AM on March 8, 2008

Be 100% open with the women you are sleeping with. It is hurtful and cruel to have sex with someone when you know it will never lead anywhere and they don't.

You don't have to share him or have threesomes to have this scenario work out! You just have to sleep with women occasionally. In my opinion, this will be easier to do than setting up threesomes, and will also minimize threesome drama--even in the best of situations, it exists. Been there, done that, enjoyed it, would probably not do it again.

Open yourself up to the possibility that no matter how hard you try, someone will get hurt. Hurt, anger, unpleasant feelings, these are all natural and cannot be avoided completely in ANY relationship. The real test will be whether you and your boyfriend can communicate and remain loving towards one another. You also need to be 100% willing to cut off any behavior that makes him too uncomfortable. Immediately and with a positive attitude.

Good luck!
posted by sondrialiac at 9:15 AM on March 8, 2008

I need advice on how to make things work in the bedroom with this type of setup...things to say so i won't end up hurting my bf in anyway or the other party.

You need to talk to him. From your post it's not clear whether you're speaking of him joining you and the other woman or not, so it's hard to to say what will hurt him or not.

First, define what you need in this situation. Are you looking just for sex? Sex just between you and the woman? Does the BF join in? If so, how much are you comfortable with? Then talk to the BF about what you're expecting and then let him examine what he's expecting. If he's thinking he can join in and you're thinking no, that's gonna be hurtful to him and you two need to realize that right now.

Summing it up, talk, talk talk, talk. The only want to do this without hurting your boyfriend is for both of to know what will hurt and that only that's gonna happen is by talking.

Whatever you two decide, the other woman should know that upfront, so that she understands where ya'll are coming from.

Good luck.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 9:46 AM on March 8, 2008

Perhaps you should try to read the Ethical Slut, it has some reasonable advice.

The most important thing to remember is that this will take a crazy amount of communication. You have to be open with your secondary relationship that they are not, nor will they become, your primary partner. You need to constantly talk to your s/o about this, all the time while it is happening.

Since you seem to be talking about only sex things are easier, I would strongly advise you to stick to this. Be really clear with the side-fucks that it is only sex. Be clear with your primary that it is only sex, but talk with him a lot. People get really freaked out if talking isn't happening.

Also: this will take a lot of time to do right without torturing the other people involved.
posted by dr. moot at 10:56 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

but when it comes to sex, besides him, i still need and want to be with a woman.

Litmus test: Ignoring the STD issue, would using a prostitute suffice for these needs?
If the answer is no, then I advise against thinking (or telling him) that what you seek is only "when it comes to sex" - it's probably more than just sex that you seek, which makes the relationship minefield a whole lot bigger.
Conversely, if the hypothetical prostitute would indeed suffice, then perhaps that's an option worth putting on the table.
posted by -harlequin- at 11:16 AM on March 8, 2008

I'm not sure how to protect the feelings of you or your boyfriend, but I would suggest trying to find other bi girls to play with. I certainly can't speak for all lesbians but I imagine many might be frustrated by playing second fiddle to your man.

I agree with Phredgreen, as well.
posted by Juliet Banana at 11:19 AM on March 8, 2008

I don't know if you know, but one thing bisexuals complain about is being discriminated against in dating because people assume that being with just one gender will never be enough. The myth is "bisexuals are never monogamous." But many bisexuals are. Even though they could've chosen someone from either gender, once they've chosen someone, that person (whatever gender they are) is enough.

So, if you're willing to change how you talk about it to keep from spreading an idea that affects other people's lives, maybe you could define your issue not as "well, I'm a bisexual, that's the way I am" and instead more like, "I like sexual variety, I'm not into closed relationships."

Then, the difference between you and your bf is that he's into monogamy and you're not (not that he's straight and you're bisexual). One keyword that might help you find what you're looking for is "polyamory," here for example.

(On preview, ignore the recommendation not to tell your bf. That moves from polyamory into lying and cheating.)
posted by salvia at 11:20 AM on March 8, 2008 [8 favorites]

I agree with salvia that this has little to do with your bisexuality and everything to do with your desire for a more open relationship. Presumably your heterosexual boyfriend occasionally thinks about other women, whether he actually wants to have sex with them or not. I'd advise you to proceed along the lines of "this is something I really want" rather than "this is something I deserve because I'm bisexual."
posted by desjardins at 12:22 PM on March 8, 2008 [3 favorites]

Nthing Salvia and desjardins. I'm mildly bi and I'd be irritated if it was assumed this meant I was poly, so don't muddle the labels. ;)
posted by Phalene at 3:58 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite]

An informal survey of straight men comes up with 10 out of 10 who would be perfectly happy to be invited to watch.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 6:35 PM on March 8, 2008

agree with mr. crash - it's obvious and a bit of a male fantasy, but if you wanted a simple solution that would not upset your boyfriend, but rather thrill him and make him think you're one girlfriend in a million (which you are anyway, of course, but) just include him in your adventures. problem solved (interpersonal messyness aside of course)

if you're not interested in this (understandable if regrettable ;) you're now talking about issues outside of simple bisexuality. do you want an open relationship? if yes, be prepared for him to sleep around, or to leave you if he can't handle it (probably more likely tbh) why should you get to cheat on him just cause you're bi?

you *could* always just not tell the bf. if it's discreet and your partner-in-cheating knows where she stands? eh, truth is overrated. i go by the "if i don't find out, it didn't happen" rule myself. as this tends to rule out my partner sleeping with my friends, enemies, relatives, collegues, or 50 complete strangers, or getting pregnant by someone else (i'm not watching her like a hawk but i'm not an idiot either, people talk, and dna tests are cheap) i try not to worry about it too much - if i don't know, it's not the end of the world, and everyone's human. myself included.
posted by messiahwannabe at 10:40 PM on March 8, 2008