volunteers need love too

March 8, 2008 11:38 AM

Office Romance Filter: Is it acceptable for volunteers and employees to hook up?

So I've started volunteering at a museum and I've found myself smitten with a new girl who just started working in the office. She is a real employee, a member of the staff. I know office romances are frowned upon but I'm not technically a real employee, I'm just a volunteer. So would it be ethical for me to ask this woman out?

But also, would it be wise? Do you think, from her perspective, that it would not be a good decision? The last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable.

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 comments total)

If she just started working there, I would leave it alone. You don't want that reputation right off the bat.
posted by sweetkid at 11:46 AM on March 8

I know office romances are frowned upon but I'm not technically a real employee, I'm just a volunteer.

Does the "no romances" policy draw a distinction between employees and volunteers? If the policy does not make the distinction, then you shouldn't, either.
posted by The World Famous at 11:49 AM on March 8

When you say "I know office romances are frowned upon", do you mean just in general, or at this museum in particular? Unless this museum is known for being draconian about it, I'd say there's nothing wrong with asking. Maybe you should wait a little bit, though, so she can get more of a feel for the place, the better to make an informed decision.
posted by equalpants at 11:56 AM on March 8

There's likely to be two separate issues here.

Dating someone you supervise is against policy almost everywhere. Dating other coworkers, fellow volunteers, or what have you is often allowed, but still "frowned on" in the sense that everyone's heard a few horror stories about what happens when it goes wrong.

If you check, you may find that there are no rules against dating this woman. But that won't protect you from the awkwardness and workplace drama that'll ensue if you two have a bad date or a nasty breakup. Policy or no policy, you might want to think twice about what it'll do to your sanity.
posted by nebulawindphone at 11:59 AM on March 8

The one thing you're not considering in your question are your mutual futures with the museum.

What future do you think you have there? What future do you think she is considering? As a very new employee the chick is going to have a bucket full of considerations that in no way affect you as a volunteer. She was to worry about appearances towards her bosses. She probably doesn't want to get saddled with a reputation that she hops in the sack with the volunteers so quickly after starting there. That type of reputation could dog her for years and severely impact her career. It's unfair, but that's what happens.

As a volunteer you have much more freedom in your behavior with little fear of repercussions. Presumably you're free to quit anytime you like and not look back.

That said, there is no reason why you shouldn't gently pursue the relationship, but do so very discreetly for her sake. If things heat up between you two, then you should probably consider quitting as a volunteer to avoid any inner-office gossip or turmoil.
posted by wfrgms at 11:59 AM on March 8

(Ethical, now, that's yet another issue. If she's going to feel pressured to accept, or uncomfortable doing her job around you afterwards, then yes, it's unethical. Otherwise, I can't imagine there's anything unethical about asking. Maybe a bad idea, but not morally wrong or anything like that.)
posted by nebulawindphone at 12:01 PM on March 8

The decision whether or not to date you should be hers to make, since as an employee she stands to get in trouble, and as a volunteer, you really don't.

And ditto equalpants -- give her some time (ideally a few months) to settle in and get an idea of the office culture before asking her to make this decision. Plus that will give you time to get to know each other. If later on you find you aren't as interested, or aren't getting signs that she's interested back, then that pretty much takes care of your problem.
posted by boomchicka at 12:04 PM on March 8

I started dating the girl I'm with right now when I was her supervisor at an NPO. I waited until after her "hours" were done and she was just coming in for fun. I had already completed her paperwork and her review, graded her and turned all that in.

In the NPO world this sort of thing happens a lot. We get to see people at their best, at their most giving, and in positions that they're doing because they like them, not because they pay the most money.

It entirely depends on your museum. Would you be willing to stop volunteering there if a) it meant you had to to date her, or b) if you had a nasty breakup? Deciding on this before you begin might be a good idea.
posted by TomMelee at 12:10 PM on March 8

Oh for the record, reread the initial question. "hook up" means bump uglies. If that's all you want, don't do it.
posted by TomMelee at 12:11 PM on March 8

Imagine a cheesy romantic movie. Don't ask her out right away, but do flirt and see if you can't create a bit of interest. Let it be like that for a while. You want her to think of you as a possibility, not "put you on the friends ladder".

When your situation changes - like you quit, or she moves to another office, or whatever - then you finally confess that you've always wanted to ask her out. Or maybe you accidentally get together after a company christmas party or something.

Don't be the guy that hits on people at work.
posted by ctmf at 12:18 PM on March 8 [2 favorites]

As for the "is it right?" question, I can offhand think of four couples who started as coworkers or students (and I only know like 20 married couples). Love is love, who cares where you find it, hide it from her coworkers if need be (as two of those four did).

Practical considerations like "should I ask out some girl I just met or will that make things awkward?" or "what if she says no, will I have to find a different volunteer job?" -- those might be a reason to take things slow. But don't worry about the ethics. You're not trying to sleep your way to the top. You're not trying to sell the museum's secret codes to a crime syndicate after she entrusts them to you in bed. :)
posted by salvia at 12:38 PM on March 8

Sure, ask her out. And then let her decide if she thinks it's a good idea or not. She can always politely decline if she isn't interested or is worried about how it would fly at the workplace. But maybe she'll say yes.
posted by emd3737 at 1:24 PM on March 8

My wife and I were co-workers when we met. There were no policies against it, but we tried unsuccessfully to keep it a secret because we didn't think it was anyone else's business.

I can understand policies against relationships with bosses and the like, but between co-workers? Where do they expect people to meet?
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 2:12 PM on March 8

any portmanteau in a storm raises an important issue. You should check the employee handbook (and any volunteer handbook that might exist). It's possible that you could be putting her, your or both jobs at risk.
posted by OlderThanTOS at 2:38 PM on March 8

Sure, but just be discreet about it. Whether it's wise from her point of view is all dependent on her own circumstances. Make your decision for you. Don't make her decision for her. Get to know her, and make friends with her even if she's not romantically available. Unless she's somehow responsible for your conditions (eg, rostering, payroll, duty allocation), it's no-one else's business. If she is responsible for you in some way, then she ought to have a quiet word with her boss (and you, with yours) about it, but that's really up to her. If there's any power imbalance in this relationship, and there very likely isn't, it's in your disfavor anyway.

As to how to proceed, you have one particularly strong advantage - you're at a museum, which is inherently interesting and is still new to her, and you choose to be there, which makes you at least potentially interesting. You're probably allowed to see things and go into places the general public aren't. Show her the interesting new stuff, or the collections that are out of rotation. If you've got nothing else to talk about, talk about exhibits you're enthusiastic about. Find out what interests her. Virtually every aspect of human activity has something in museums about it. History of her culture (where are her family from?), history of her interests (if she bikes to work, show her the vintage bicycle). Ask if she's been given a proper tour of the museum.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 4:52 PM on March 8