Poor friend, indeed

March 8, 2008 11:39 AM

'Poor'RoomateFilter: My roommate told me he cannot afford to pay more than the 1/3rd rent that he's paying now, yet has bought almost $400 worth of stuff he doesn't need in the last week alone. Should I press the issue or leave it be?

Last February, myself, my best friend and then-current girlfriend moved into an apartment together. We split the rent equally with everyone paying $300. Things turned sour between me and my girlfriend and she moved out in May. I told my friend that I would assume responsibility for her portion of the rent for the remainder of the lease.

Now, I have a new girlfriend and we arranged to stay in my apartment for another six months. Unfortunately, her lease is up in mid-April so my friend offered to stay until she can move in. The issue is that he told me that there was absolutely no way he could afford to pay more than $300 in rent. Having my girlfriend move in when her lease is up is absolutely the best option so I told him he could continue to pay that amount, my logic being that if I told him no and he moved out, I would have to pay $900 instead of $600.

Initially, I was fine with that but he has a history of being really bad with money and this situation is no exception. Within the last week, he has bought a multi-tool ($80), beer making supplies ($50), got a new car stereo installed (probably close to $200), is planning on buying Super Smash Bros: Brawl on Sunday ($50), and will be going to a festival across the country so he can play it with his band (I don’t know the cost but it is a lot).

On top of all that, we are coworkers and we make exactly the same salary, so it’s not like I’m in a position to have extra disposable income than he does. It’s not like he can’t afford to pay more than $300 a month because if that was true, he also couldn’t afford to buy any of that extra stuff.

I don’t want to get into the full story here but things have been pretty tense between us for some time now. We are still good friends but aren’t exactly the most compatible roommates and I’m looking forward to him moving out so I can forget about his bad roommate tendencies and remember what a good friend he really is.

So what should I do? Should I say something to him, knowing that I told him I would be cool with him only giving me $300 per month in rent and also knowing that it might turn into a huge issue or should I keep my mouth shut until he moves out in a month?

Any additional info needed, please email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (31 comments total)

How much rent he owes is a matter of agreement. How much he can afford is a subjective question of how much of his budget he is willing to allocate to it.

Unless you are his credit counselor, social worker, accountant, or some other hired or appointed financial professional, it's really not your business how he budgets his money.
posted by The World Famous at 11:48 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Whatever he can "afford", he made an agreement with you and he should be encouraged to stand by it or else expect to be asked to move. I assume you have no written agreement? Did you take a deposit from him? You might then say, "this is your last month here, since you haven't paid the rent, and I'm taking your deposit as the last month's rent."

In this case, you're only out a week or so's rent, right?

Anyway, you being business-like may shock him back to reality.
posted by Riverine at 11:49 AM on March 8, 2008

First of all, you've already agreed to pay the rent difference for the chick who spilt. I assume you didn't say to your current roommate, "You can pay $300 a month as long as I don't see you spending other money on frivolous purchases." You've painted yourself into this corner, not him.

Second, how do you know that roommate isn't digging himself into debt with a credit card? That's a lot difference between charging something and having extra cash that he could put toward the rent.

So what should I do?

Suck it up smart guy.
posted by wfrgms at 11:51 AM on March 8, 2008

You told him you were fine with picking up the extra share of the rent, $600. Stick to it and don't renege...he's moving out in a month anyway. His money is none of your business.
posted by rhizome at 11:52 AM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You made the agreement knowing that his income is the same as yours. So you knew that he must not be managing his money the same way you do.
posted by winston at 11:57 AM on March 8, 2008

What everyone else says: you made this agreement, now you must abide by that. And it's up to you whether you want to tally up every purchase he makes, but it's just gonna make you crazy and further damage the friendship.

As long as he pays his agreed-upon share of the rent, it's none of your business how he spends his money.
posted by lunasol at 12:06 PM on March 8, 2008

You agree to pay your ex-girlfriend's share of the rent, so I'm not sure what your beef with him is. As long as he's making his $300 payment, he's fulfilling his end of the bargain.

If he were in for the long-haul, I'd recommend trying to plead poverty yourself, saying you can't spend more than $450/month. But if he moves out in a month, it's not worth trying to get him to pay something you said he didn't have to pay.

If it's 3 bedrooms, why not try to sublet the third room? And if it's two bedrooms (and you and your girlfriend shared a room, and he got his own), the rent should be split per-room, $450 each.

But in any case, you agree to pay the $600, so even if your roommate just hit the jackpot in the lottery, $300 is all he's responsible for.

As an aside, is your lease transferable? Another option would be for you to try to get someone else to take over the lease, or have you lease the whole thing to them, and move in with your girlfriend. Obviously, this depends on some knowledge I don't have (whether your girlfriend is cool with this, and whether your contract permits transferring), but it seems most efficient, if not quite the question you asked us.
posted by fogster at 12:16 PM on March 8, 2008

You can't tell a guy that it's OK to pay $300 in rent and then jack it up once he moves in. Actually you can, unless you signed a written agreement, but it makes you a jerk.

As you are learning, he now can afford to buy a lot of crap that you can't because you cut him a deal on rent. He's probably not as good a friend as you thought he was.
posted by ikkyu2 at 12:17 PM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

"Last February, myself, my best friend and then-current girlfriend moved into an apartment together. We split the rent equally with everyone paying $300" says it all.

Now, you broke up with said ex-gf and now there are fewer people in the place - this doesn't mean that he has to increase his rent payments to cover the difference. His rent should remain as is, as per the original agreement.

What he does with the rest of his net income is up to him.
posted by seawallrunner at 12:18 PM on March 8, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

Yeah, I don't see the problem. He's sticking to the agreement, so should you.
posted by electroboy at 12:24 PM on March 8, 2008

If you bring up his spending habits, he'll start talking about yours. You say, "you buy all this crap, you ought to pay more rent," and maybe he'll say "it's not like you don't use the stuff I buy! I've bought 4 out of the last 5 Nintendo games -- we ought to be splitting the cost of that!" or he says, "frankly, I don't know why you think you can pay that much rent! Your show up at work looking like you just walked out of a Goodwill. And your shoes stink - buy some new shoes, man, it's time!"

Also, I don't get what happened. You talked to him about staying on another month or two, and tried to renegotiate the rent at that time, he had a better alternative (move out) than you did (pay the full $900) so the negotiation fell in his direction? Potentially lame of him -- I can see feeling taken advantage of -- but I don't know how the conversation went or how you presented the idea of splitting the rent in half. If you want a primer on negotiating with people on stuff like this while remaining on good terms, check out books like Crucial Conversations (touchy-feely title, but it's basically the negotiation classic Getting To Yes made shorter and more how-to).
posted by salvia at 12:27 PM on March 8, 2008

I imagine this thread is going to be pretty well unanimous. If you didn't like him paying only $300/month, then you had a chance to increase that when you talked to him about staying until your new girlfriend arrives. You agreed that he would pay the same amount. You can't go back on it now just because you've decided that he's a spendthrift. Not only would that permanently poison your relationship (he did you a favour in agreeing to stay; now you try to go back on your agreement - not a recipe for happiness), but it's likely not legal. You agreed to extend his tenancy on the same terms as the signed lease. I don't know where ikkyu2 gets the idea that you have the power to break that agreement - you're not his landlord, and even landlords can't just jack up the rent whenever they feel like it. You're stuck. This is a matter of, what, another month and a half? Don't ruin your friendship over this.
posted by Dasein at 12:30 PM on March 8, 2008

Your roommate shouldn't pay a penny over what he originally agreed to pay -- $300. His agreeing to be flexible in his departure time in response to your own personal plans is in fact above and beyond his agreement. You actually owe him a six-pack to thank him for staying until GF#2 can move in.
posted by mochapickle at 12:31 PM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

This is one of the reasons why I've never split rent with friends.

Anyway, I'm with seemingly everyone else: you guys had a deal for $300/mo., then you renegotiated and he only agreed to stay with the rent at that level. That's pretty much the end of discussion; he pays $300, you pay $600 because you alternative was paying $900. Kinda sucks to be you, that I understand, but you made the best of a situation where the alternative outcome was worse.

Now it's crummy of him to have cried poor during the rent renegotiations, and I don't think it makes him a particularly good friend, but that doesn't really change what was agreed to materially. If I were going to give him a piece of advice, it would be to man up and just say "look, I'm not interested in staying if the rent is more than $300 a month," without making a whole lot of excuses in the future.

But it's pretty clear by your own admission that if he had just said "nope, not paying more than $300" and walked out of the whole situation, you'd be stuck with the whole $900/mo to yourself. He was in the position of power in the negotiations and got a good deal for himself. You were stuck between a rock and a hard place and are getting (slightly) shafted. It sucks, but you just need to pick up and move on. (And hey, why don't you do something cool with the spare bedroom/apartment/space that you're paying for in the meantime? Might as well, since you're paying for it.)
posted by Kadin2048 at 1:06 PM on March 8, 2008

Whether or not he can afford to pay it is beside the point. His financial situation is none of your business. He should pay the agreed amount of rent, regardless of your romantic situation. Its not fair to hike up his rent because you broke up with your girlfriend.
You need to get this idea out of your head that you're doing him some massive favour by assuming your girlfriend's portion of the rent - you're not.

IMO if 3 people live together and 1 person causes another to move out, that person should be responsible for finding a replacement and covering the extra rent until they do.
posted by missmagenta at 1:10 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Sorry, you both agreed to him paying $300, so that's the end of the story. It's not a matter of him not having the money, it's the matter of him preferring to spend it on other things. If you had asked him to split the rent when your ex moved out, maybe he would have gone for it, and maybe he would have moved out and found somewhere cheaper to live. But you didn't ask him, so you can't be bitter about him paying less than you now.

Get over it, and don't let it ruin your friendship.
posted by emd3737 at 1:19 PM on March 8, 2008

It's not worth $150 to try and back your way out of this one.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:27 PM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I agree with the general consensus- your deal, written or oral, was that he pay $300. Frankly, it's cool of him to put up with your revolving door of live-in girlfriends and you should consider the increased rent you're paying now as a fair and expected cost of living with a girlfriend. Sure, you could have tried to go for a more equal $400/$500 split (that would have been nicer of him), but you SHOULD be paying a bit more now because it's not up to him to have to pick up all the financial slack when your relationship ends- that's entirely your responsibility.

I would also hope this is a good lesson about having a contingency plan if you split with the new girlfriend.
posted by slow graffiti at 1:32 PM on March 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I vote for keeping your mouth shut. It's none of your business what he spends his money on. For him it would be equally valid to say, "I don't want to live in an apartment that costs me more than $300/month, because then I couldn't buy the stuff I want to." You agreed to the deal, and if you tried to whine for more money now, you would be the jerk in this situation.
posted by MsMolly at 2:42 PM on March 8, 2008

he has a history of being really bad with money

Sounds to me like he is great with money. He's managing to get the same living situation as you for $300 less than you each month. After a few months of that, a new car stereo is pocket change.
posted by grouse at 2:57 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I agree with everyone else...this isn't your business, it's not worth the fight to get a measly $150, and these are the terms you agreed to. Sorry.
posted by christinetheslp at 3:36 PM on March 8, 2008

You're looking at it the wrong way round. His discretionary spending habits are the reason he can only afford to spend $300 in rent. Where he lives is less important to him than how he lives.

Now, the way you've set up the situation, it sounds like you are the renter from the landlord, and he sublets from you to help you out with the rent. Even if his name's on the lease, that seems to be the way you've set it up. You aren't equals in this arrangement.

There are upsides and downsides for both of you. One upside for you is, he lives there basically at your sufferance. If you two have a serious fight, or he and your new girlfriend don't get along, he moves out. The downside for you, obviously, is that if he moves out, the rent (and his deposit, if he paid one) is all your problem. Another upside is that you have greater control over the space than he does: for example, you have every right to rent out the spare room, if there is one. In the end, you have more control over the rules for use of common spaces etc than he does - you can say, "keep the kitchen tidy or move out", if it came to that.

The upside for him is, he's a free agent, he can leave if he feels like it, and he doesn't have to worry about getting deposits back and so forth. I hope you've taken a deposit from him to cover cleaning costs etc if he does skip out, but if you haven't, it's a bit late now. The downside for him, of course, is that you can chuck him out on a whim. (Well, subject to some legal protection if you want to get into that, but practically speaking, if you want him gone, he goes.)

So, that's where the two of you stand. If you would prefer he be a tenant in common with you, you can make that suggestion, and if he agrees, it is fair and proper that the two of you split the entire rent equally, the security deposits equally, and both of you sign the lease with the landlord. The tradeoff is that you lose the direct power over him that you currently have. For example, he would have a say in the matter of your new girlfriend, to the point of vetoing her moving in if he doesn't get along with her. (Unless her name goes on the lease, in which case, 2v1, he's gone. But the same applies to you if she decides she likes him better, frankly.)

Think it over. If he's a perfect flatmate apart from the rent issue, he and your new girlfriend get along, and he's keen to stay there as long as possible, it would be worth making the suggestion. However, it is up to him to agree or not; under the terms of your agreement, you're either stuck with him at $300, or--if he really deserves it, and it doesn't sound like he does--you kick him out and probably end your friendship.

Actually, ask your new GF to introduce him to hot single women. Hopefully he'll spend less time around the house, buy less bachelor baubles, and perhaps even move in with his own GF. (Or if all four of you get along, and there's room for her to move in, that's a further rent reduction for you all.) I don't see any downsides with this plan. Constructively evicting him by means of helping him get a girlfriend he can move in with is ethically fine with me.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 4:18 PM on March 8, 2008

It's really annoying to you to see him spending frivolously while you struggle to pay the rent. Recognize to yourself that it's annoying, then drop it. If he's a crappy roommate, deal with the crappy roommate issues, like housekeeping, noise or whatever. The rent is just a bad situation more related to the ex-gf than the roomie.
posted by theora55 at 5:12 PM on March 8, 2008

I’m looking forward to him moving out so I can forget about his bad roommate tendencies and remember what a good friend he really is

Let it go. This is the agreement you made and it is unfair to you. If you can think of it as a sort of surcharge for keeping a good friend it might go down easier. It will be a non-issue very soon.
posted by nanojath at 9:48 PM on March 8, 2008

He agreed to move in at $300/month, presumably figuring that that was what he could afford given his income and spending habits.

You agreed to this too, as it was one third of the cost of an apartment shared by three people: you, him, and your girlfriend.

You and your girl break up, she moves out. No one holds her to her agreement to pay 1/3 of the rent, perhaps because it was more convenient for you to have her just move out.

You want to stay in the apartment. But you DO NOT want to move in someone else now, so that you can hold that place open for your new girlfriend.

It's hard to tell from your post, but after your new girlfriend moves in, you want your current roommate to move out. (Presumably at that point you split the rent $450/month each with new girlfriend?)

Current roommate agrees to make things easier for you by sticking around until your new girlfriend can move in, so long as he can keep paying the rent he originally agreed to, $300/month.

You agree to this. Then you see that current roommate has more disposable income that you do, and get envious. You decide to find a reason to charge him more rent, despite your agreement, and hope that people on the internet will provide a rationalization for this.

Bad form, dude.


He agreed to $300/month. After drama and move outs, he agrees to help you out by sticking until you can move the new girlfriend in, then finding his own place. His only requirement is, "hey, it can't cost me more per month than I originally agreed to, what I originally budgeted, before you had your woman problems". You agree, again, to $300/month, because it helps you keep the apartment until new girlfriend moves in. Now you want to jack up his rent, not because he owes more, nor because he agreed to more, but because you had girlfriend problems and you think he can afford more, based on your nosy enumeration of his recent purchases.

Sorry man, your roommate, from you own story, comes off looking like a real decent guy and you come off looking petty and greedy and unappreciative.

You can't ask the roommate to pay more rent than yiu both agreed to, just because you have an ex-girlfriend who moved out too soon and a new girlfriend who can't move in sooner.
posted by orthogonality at 11:07 PM on March 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Anonymous here.

I agreed to pay 2/3rds rent until the end of the original lease, which ran from the end of February 2007 till the end of February 2008. I had no issue doing this. I felt it was the right thing to do since it was my girlfriend that moved out.

Near the end of the lease, I told him that I wanted to extend the lease six months (from the end of February 2008 till the end of August 2008). He told me that he could stay the extra 1.5 months, until the middle of April. I said that we would split the rent equally for that time and he told me that there was no possible way he could afford more than $300 per month. He did not say “ok, I’m doing you a favor by staying a little longer so my rent will stay the same.” He told me that he could not afford more than that and at this point, it’s clear that he can.

This isn’t a money issue. I feel like he deceived and took advantage of me by telling me he could not afford the extra rent when he definitely can and I’m wondering if I should confront him. It seems like a shitty thing to do to a friend but maybe I should keep my mouth shut since yes, I did agree to pay $600, regardless of anything he said.

Thanks for the comments.
posted by Diskeater at 9:26 AM on March 9, 2008

Diskeater writes "I said that we would split the rent equally for that time and he told me that there was no possible way he could afford more than $300 per month. He did not say “ok, I’m doing you a favor by staying a little longer so my rent will stay the same.” He told me that he could not afford more than that and at this point, it’s clear that he can."

You're unclear on the meaning of "afford".

Afford doesn't mean "can pay it if I make it my first priority". It means, "can pay it and meet my other budgeted priorities".

I could pay for a thousand Mefi user accounts a month, but I can't afford to, because I have priorities ahead of that. Buying $5000 worth of Mefi accounts is well within the capabilities of my monthly take-home, but doing so would prevent me from attaining other goals.

Your roommate can't afford to pay more than $300/month, perhaps because he's budgeted the other purchases that annoy you.
posted by orthogonality at 9:51 AM on March 9, 2008

Diskeater, the amount someone can afford in any budgetary account is an amount entirely determined by that person. And it's hard for you to say you were misled about his income because you basically know what it is.
posted by grouse at 9:59 AM on March 9, 2008

It sounds like you're getting really bitter about this. So, maybe you should bring it up. It might be a little awkward, but it might go okay if you focus on your contribution to the problem. Think: "I let myself agree to something I didn't really feel was fair. That was dumb of me. I am going to keep my word. But I don't want to develop hard feelings about it. It would help me not develop hard feelings if he did simple things 1,2, & 3." It might sound like: "We made an agreement about the rent, based on what you could afford. I now see you buying hundreds of dollars of fun stuff. It's your money, and how you spend it is none of my business. But it makes me upset. I'm thinking I let myself get taken advantage of. Maybe I did, fine, it's a done-deal now. You can do whatever you want with that extra money. But can you at least try to keep it out of my face a little bit? It would help me if I didn't see it quite as much as I do."

And I'll repeat my suggestion that you focus your attention less on what he's done than on how it happened and how you're stewing at him now. Could you have foreseen this or headed it off during the original negotiations? Could you have conversations with him that are more productive, instead of getting bitter? (Maybe not, I don't know the guy.) This situation will pass, but new situations will come up. Learning negotiation and communication skills will make your whole life run more smoothly.
posted by salvia at 1:43 PM on March 9, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Learning negotiation and communication skills will make your whole life run more smoothly.

I meant "learning better ...skills" -- sorry -- the way I wrote it makes it sound like I think you don't have any right now, which isn't what I meant. I think almost all of us would benefit by trying to improve.
posted by salvia at 3:19 PM on March 9, 2008

Your roommate has agreed to pay $300 per month for rent, and this is the maximum he is willing to spend on accommodation. If you weren't extending the lease for six months so your new girlfriend can move in, he would just move out when the lease is up and find a new place for $300 or under. As it is, you are extending it, and it is in your interest to have him stay for the extra month and a half so you don't have to pay the full rent yourself in between him moving out and the new GF moving in. He's doing you a favour. To expect him to do this favour and pay you for the privilege is a little unfair.

How much discretionary income he has, and what he spends it on, is none of your business and has no bearing on your existing agreement regarding the rent. He's choosing to spend his money on home brew kits and electronics, while you're choosing to spend yours on moving one girl out and moving another in.
posted by hot soup girl at 5:03 PM on March 9, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]