How to resolve different sexual size problems?

March 4, 2008 8:29 PM

Another anatomy/physical compatibility question. This time the guy's too big. Also potentially NSFW.

I'm basically asking the opposite of this question. Sex with my girlfriend is frequently uncomfortable because of my anatomy's width and girth.

Sex is basically limited to missionary, because any other position is too painful for her. I often can't fully enjoy myself, because I'm worried that too much "enthusiasm" will hurt her. Having her gasp in pain is a pretty severe mood-killer. It's pretty embarrassing for both of us. We're both mid-20s, and have had a few partners each before now. I'm only a few inches taller than she is, so I didn't anticipate this would be a problem (as compared to if I were with someone over a foot shorter or something).

There's always a good amount of foreplay and as she doesn't climax through intercourse alone, I always provide oral beforehand. This is fine and I certainly don't have any problem with it, but I don't know if this is related to the general uncomfortability of sex. It may not be, as I've heard many women can't climax by intercourse alone.

We use lube, normal KY, which makes things a bit easier, but it's still painful for her. Maybe a different brand would be better? Just use more?

I *really* don't want to seem like a "My package is soooo huge, it doesn't fit in my pants! Where can I find bigger pants?" question. If I could ditch an inch or two, I would in a second. So please, no "clever" comments about how many guys wish they had this problem. Being far away from average in either direction isn't fun.

Throw-away email address: [e-mail] (I'm a little shocked it was available)

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (22 answers total)

I would try experimenting with more and better lube. No shame in making it easier. I can't imagine that giving her oral is going to hurt ANYTHING; nor is your being sensitive to her needs.
posted by mynameisluka at 8:34 PM on March 4, 2008

There isn't much you can do about the width but the length can be controlled by wrapping something thick and soft around the base of your huge package. This will prevent you from penetrating too far. Obviously don't wrap it too tightly.
posted by 517 at 8:38 PM on March 4, 2008

Have you tried positions where you enter her from behind, but when her legs are closed, and her body and legs are straight? Like, her lying on her stomach, or spoon position. Closed legs - being bent over = distance from vagina, and from what you described, it's the depth of penetration that's hurting her, right? So you position yourself behind her so that you enter her, but your legs/pelvis contact her legs/butt before you can go too deep for comfort.
posted by crunch buttsteak at 8:59 PM on March 4, 2008 [1 favorite]

Seconding what 517 said. There are some nice toys you can purchase at your friendly neighborhood female-positive sex store. If it's a problem with you getting too deep you're probably colliding with her cervix. The fact that you are close in height is a bit of a red herring. Just like not all tall men sport long dong, a woman's height has relatively little to do with the depth of her... you know, I'm just not going to go there. You get the idea.

If the problem is that you are too big around (for instance, it hurts no matter how far in you are) that can sometimes be due to a constricted vaginal opening. An ex of mine suffered through this condition with three different sex-mad boyfriends before finally speaking with a doc. A minor outpatient procedure and she started having much more fun in the sack. Good luck.
posted by centerweight at 9:06 PM on March 4, 2008

kudos to you for not making this a "my GF can't handle my wang, what can she do?" question. It is something both of you have to work on.

nthing choking up on the bat with a toy or your fist.

I think KY is dandy for rubbing one out, but terrible for penetration. Find something else. Boy Butter might sound a little 'gay' but the stuff is magic. They have an H20 formula if that is an issue for you two.
posted by munchingzombie at 9:17 PM on March 4, 2008

Well, girth can be dealt with by acclimation, patience, and lubricant to some degree, but length ... it's rare to find a woman who is indifferent to repeated cervical thumping. It's either "Oooooh!" (unlikely) or "JESUS FUCK OW OW OW!"

When it is length, though, you either have to be very conscious of how deep you're going (a real buzzkill) or experiment until you find positions that are more accomodating. You might try facedown, female-on-her-stomach, with her hips on a pillow for a bit of tilt. Play around. It's certainly more fun than trying to remember "THRUST ... and leave a little out, THRUST ... and hold back a bit ..."

Not to portion out blame, but is this a new problem for her, or for you?

And seconding the KY hate.
posted by adipocere at 9:39 PM on March 4, 2008

Replens is a vaginal moisturiser that is used daily rather than on demand--she might find it helpful.
posted by happyturtle at 1:00 AM on March 5, 2008

I can sympathize with this -- I have occasional problems with similar things. A couple of years ago, I faced a situation of a new girl friend who took my aside one day and confessed she didn't think she could have sex with me. As I said I'd had occasional problems but nothing that would hint at this so I went away, read a bunch of stuff, talked to ex-girlfriends etc and this is what I came up with:

Though it varies greatly the average vagina is around 2.5 to 3 inches in depth at the front, 3.5 inches at the back. With sexual arousal the uterus retreats and the vagina expands, lengthening to 4 inches or so, though it can expand (under response to pressure) up to 8 inches or so. so as adipocere said length can be a problem, but their are often other things going on.

What can be done about it? Nthing the suggestion to try better lube -- buy a bunch and experiment. In fact it would be a good idea to go shopping together for these, it would give you and your partner a chance to talk about some of this when you are not in bed together. You probably won't be able to test them in your local pharmacy but if you are lucky enough to have something like a Good Vibrations near you they will have a bunch of testers you can try out on the back of your hand.

Secondly I don't think the painfulness is necessarily related to the lack of orgasm during penetration but there is a possible connection. As I stated above sexual arousal causes the vagina to expand and thus it's important. Now the thing is when we are uncomfortable or a little nervous our muscles contract -- this applies in a lot of situations, like belly flopping for example, if you are nervous about diving in the water you tense up and hit the water badly, if you can relax it all goes easily. The problem is this can generate a feedback cycle. If you belly flop, it hurts, so you get more nervous, so you tense up more, so it hurts and you are further away from where you need to be.

With sex it can get even more complicated because there are all these other feelings flying around -- like you get ready to sleep with somebody for the first time, and you are really excited AND really nervous, and you can't will an erection. Dealing with any issue of tension is often about feeling in control and there are various ways of tackling this -- try different positions without feeling under pressure to have an orgasm, rather try and work out what's comfortable. You will have sex again so its doesn't matter if its not mind blowing every time.

What worked out for me, ultimately, was not having sex. That is, not feeling, and most importantly making my partner feel like we had to have (penetrative) sex. There are a lot of ways to enjoy yourselves, and enjoying them took the pressure off things so my partner could begin to feel properly relaxed and things took their own course. When we did eventually have sex things worked out fine, but not before a really disastrous false start. The first time we tried, my partner really did want to have sex with me, but it wasn't going to work if she still felt tense. As a side note here I don't want this to come across as 'your girlfriend has a problem ', nor as 'you need to back off', sex takes two (well most of the time) and our sexual responses are conditioned by the actions and responses of the other. Regardless of anything else sex will always be better if we have some sort of communication and mutual respect.
posted by tallus at 2:55 AM on March 5, 2008

Dude KY might be your problem, that stuff should be illegal. They usually have astroglide in the drug store, that would be a HUGE improvement. No pun intended. Also liquid silk is generally available, that's really awesome. I'd order a bottle today. But go to CVS if you have them and look for astroglide in the short term. It's not perfect but KY is disgusting.
posted by sully75 at 3:32 AM on March 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

First try other lubes, and if you are using condoms experiment with other brands/materials -- unlikely to be a problem with the rubbers, but it's cheap and easy to test it. Condomania and Babeland have big selections of both, including sample packs. Or just go to the drugstore and grab whatever they have available -- Astroglide is good and can be found anywhere, for example.
posted by Forktine at 4:25 AM on March 5, 2008

At this point, the fear of wang is going to be enough to choke her up. Length can be a problem, but width should rarely be a problem with proper (physical and mental) preparation. I would suggest having a few sessions where you do nothing but enter her. Let her get comfortable with the size, then you can start (slowly!) moving. I mean, don't just lie there together with it inside of her. Commence with your normal love-making ritual, just no thrusting until she's ready.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 5:05 AM on March 5, 2008

ID Millennium. Make sure you're using sheets you don't care about.
posted by pieoverdone at 5:47 AM on March 5, 2008

Read the Kama Sutra and try 'odd' positions. There are plenty where you can barely keep your wang in and can finger her at the same time. It's sorta like mutual masturbation than the regular old 'in-and-out'.

Have her lay on top of you, where you have your hand down there to rub and keep things in place, other hand on tits, mouth on back of neck...

I'll be in my bunk.
posted by zengargoyle at 6:02 AM on March 5, 2008 [1 favorite]

How about her on top with her knees on a pillow or two on either side of you. Dont thrust and let her decide how much of you she can take.
posted by sandra_s at 6:09 AM on March 5, 2008

is it the width or the girth that's the problem? i'm kind of a size queen, but i have had guys that were just freaking huge and it was painful at first.

if it's a length issue, try lady on top positions, which will allow her to dictate how deep you go. there are positions that allow for deep penetration; stay away from those for now.

if it's a girth issue, you might try buying a few dildoes of varying girths. start on a smaller one and over a period of time, work up to the larger ones.

also, one thing that i've enjoyed with boys who were a little too big for me: lube up a lot. slowly, very slowly, penetrate her until you're all the way in (if it's not a length issue). then just stop. just kind of coexist while you're inside her. kissing is fine, but no thrusting. she can do some kegels around you, which i understand is really enjoyable for the guy. after a little while, she'll be more used to your size, and will start moving around a bit. let her control everything. she'll let you know when you can start the ol' in out.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 6:58 AM on March 5, 2008

silicone lube! this stuff is great...keep a towel handy. it might seem expensive, but a little goes a long way.
posted by hulahulagirl at 8:10 AM on March 5, 2008

I'm seconding Liquid Silk from Babeland over KY.
posted by np312 at 8:15 AM on March 5, 2008

I wonder if the problem is that she's orgasming first? In my experience, it can sometimes be painful if I come first (I'm a girl) and then have to keep going while my partner finishes up. After I orgasm, there's only a little bit of time before I want things to be over with. I think it might have something to do with my arousal diminishing and therefore my receptiveness. I know that you're just trying to be polite by letting her go first but you might try the opposite and see what happens.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 9:17 AM on March 5, 2008

KY is for thermometers, not sex. Man up, go to a real sex store and describe a bit of your problem to the clerk. They've heard weirder, I guarantee.

Aside from that, having her on top can help by allowing her to control how much is up inside.

The advice from a gay pal, specifically about anal but applicable much more generally, is to slather on as much lube as you think is enough, then add more. It helps.
posted by klangklangston at 11:40 AM on March 5, 2008

misanthropicsarah had a good idea of just entering her and not thrusting, and then when do get around to thrusting, don't do a full stroke in and out but rather a 1/3 stroke, so that you aren't pounding her cervix with a full stroke. It's the hitting of the cervix that really hurts. If she's doing kegels while you do that, it should be good.

Seconding going to a good sex toy store (babes in toyland is good) and asking them for suggestions; also a good place to find a huge variety of lubes. Babes has little sample sizes for $1 so you can see what you like best before buying a whole bottle.

What you "heard" about many women not having an orgasm from vaginal intercourse isn't just a rumor. I don't have exact statistics but I read somewhere that 80% of woemn don't have orgasms from vaginal intercourse...don't quote me on that, but do believe me.
posted by kenzi23 at 2:56 PM on March 5, 2008

Wait- too long or too tight?
posted by gjc at 5:43 PM on March 5, 2008

thirding liquid silk from babeland, it's the best lube i've ever tried. don't be stingy either—lube her up and lube yourself too! i tell all my friends about it, ky is no one's friend, unless you own their stock or work at their ad agency. if you're going to a sex store or ordering from one, you might want to also get some sex toys; using a dildo at the start of sex play should help your girlfriend relax and acclimate to penetration, and that can only help you guys have fun!

misanthropicsarah and kenzi23 have great advice on entering and not thrusting, please make sure you try that. be conscious of how far you can go before hitting her cervix, that's generally what makes me gasp in pain. like misanthropicsarah, i'm a size queen who's encountered more than a few guys who were initially too big for me, and i've found that the positions crunch_buttsteak describe work for me fairly well, especially at the start of penetration because they let me get used to my partner's size.
posted by lia at 6:59 PM on March 5, 2008