More thera-fishes in the sea?

March 2, 2008 1:27 PM

I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year. We had a little tiff and now I don't go there anymore. I could still use the therapy though. Should I forgive and forget or are there more thera-fish in the sea? (Potentially NSFW)

So I was seeing a sex therapist for about a year when I could no longer live in silence anymore about my foot-fetish and internet porn addiction. I also had some big time anger issues and was dealing with some feelings of betrayal, loneliness and despair.

I was looking for someone who knew what they were talking about and who was empathetic to my pain. I finally found a nice woman who met these qualifications.

For the first few months it was great - For the first time in my life, I was finally able to "let it all out". It felt so liberating. I was able to say anything about anything without the fear of being labelled or judged.

My therapist did have a few bad habits though:
- she was regularly late for appointments, which was a problem because I would see her during the day and would have to get back to work as quickly as possible.
- She was only interested in hearing about my agony - but never really seemed interested in guiding me to making any changes - for the entire year she always promised "soon we are going to get really intense", but after 6 months of hearing that, I kinda didn't expect much.
- She would take long phone calls in the middle of our session, talking from 10 to 20 minutes per call. I would always get my hour's worth, but it was still annoying, considering that I was pressed for time and was pushing my luck with work every time I would stay past the hour.

All that being said, it was still nice to establish a weekly meeting with her so that I could get things off my chest.

I never confronted her about this, because I felt weird doing it, considering that she was there to help me - even though I was paying her, I was still grateful for her ear and felt that if I would say anything, it would be like I was "biting the hand that fed me."

Finally the straw that broke the camel's back was when she was 20 minutes late for an appointment and waltzed in without an apology or acknowledgement. I explained that it was too late in the hour and I had to return to work. She got defensive? offended? as if I had just slapped her in the face and said "OK, just go!". So I did, and I never went back.

A few months ago, she did try to contact me - perhaps she wants to make up, but the conspiracy theorist in me thinks she just needs the cash.

But I could still use the empathetic ear.

So my question is, do I go back to her or do I find someone new?

I am no longer mad, but I don't think I can go back - I tend to hold a grudge. And besides, she wasn't really helping me, was she fellow Me-Fites?

Then again, if I see someone new, I will have to reveal my innermost secrets to yet another person - I don't know if I have the strength to do that, or do I? And what if we are not compatible?

So fellow MeFites, what is your take on this? Stay with someone I know? Try someone new?

posted by anonymous to grab bag (22 comments total)

Sounds like she was an ear you could talk openly to, but little else. Unless there is a dearth of sex therapists in your area, I'd think about moving on to a different one- or at least trying out a few sessions with a different one who might be more respectful of your time (not taking calls or being late to sessions) and goals for therapy.

Good luck!
posted by arnicae at 1:42 PM on March 2, 2008

Incredibly unprofessional behavior on her part, and she seems to have been uninterested in one of the most basic points of therapy, which is to help guide you in making positive changes. FAIL.

Absolutely find someone else. Yes, you have the strength to do it -- remember, the fear of not having the strength does not mean you don't actually have the strength.
posted by scody at 1:46 PM on March 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Wow. Just wow. I'm not familiar with sex therapists per se, but if anybody I was paying in exchange for a service acted like that I'd show them the door pretty damned quickly. She's your employee! Would you tolerate the same from, I dunno, someone you paid to clean your house, or a waiter at a restaurant? As you say, she wasn't helping you AND she was giving you "second place treatment" during the time that YOU were paying for - either of those alone seem like enough to consider seeking someone else, but together ... feh. Maybe you would have done well to speak up about it early on to nip it in the bud - and if it happens again with anybody else I'd certainly vote for doing so - but with this person, would it even really be worth it?

You say you fear you lack the strength to reveal your innermost secrets to someone new ... well, it occurs to me that maybe it would be a good idea to try doing so, even outside of your therapist's reprehensible behavior: right now (it sounds like) there's one person in your world whom you know has heard and accepted what you seem to consider the worst side of you, but honestly I'm guessing that a lot of people would be more okay with it than you might think ... we're all human, after all, the kinks might not be the same but the idea of -having- kinks is probably a little more universal than some folks will acknowledge. The more times you (appropriately) share these types of things in a safe environment and find out that other people, even other therapists, -are- okay with it, maybe the more okay you'll feel about it yourself ... eh, seems like it'd be worth a shot at any rate.

Anyway, yeah - if we get to vote on this one, I certainly want to cast mine vote for the DTMFA option. You deserve better treatment than that therapist was giving you. Good luck to you.
posted by zeph at 1:52 PM on March 2, 2008

Yes, find a new one. How can you make any progress if you are stewing (rightly so) about an unprofessional alleged professional telling you in every possible passive-aggressive way that you don't really matter? You just don't take a phone call in the middle of a session unless you are on a waiting list for a kidney transplant and they are calling with news of a kidney, you know? It's beyond rude and it breaks your safe zone which is what therapy should be.
posted by 45moore45 at 1:52 PM on March 2, 2008

Definitely get a new therapist.
posted by happyturtle at 1:55 PM on March 2, 2008

You may not think you have the strength to start over with another therapist, but you do. You'll find too that the second time you talk about things you feel shame about is easier than the first. Each time it will get easier.

Before you start over though, figure out what you want from therapy. What are your goals (less reliance on porn, more interaction with potential real-world partners, working through a moratorium on certain actions, etc. --- be specific) and what do you see the therapist's role as (hand-holding, keeping you accountable, nudging you along)?

The therapist will be working for you as an hourly employee. Just like other people, there are good ones and bad ones, and ones who will take advantage of you if you let them. So what are your requirements (punctuality, undivided attention, practical feedback after each session)? State them up front and stick to them. You. Are. The. Boss.

No grudges though. Your first therapist has her own problems, clearly (not least of which is that she sucks at her job). So it's not about you. Let it go and move on.

You can do this.
posted by headnsouth at 1:57 PM on March 2, 2008

A few months ago, she did try to contact me - perhaps she wants to make up, but the conspiracy theorist in me thinks she just needs the cash.

She needs the cash.

I am no longer mad, but I don't think I can go back - I tend to hold a grudge.

I wouldn't characterize this as a grudge; I would say that your therapist's inconsiderate and unprofessional behavior alienated you and ruined the therapeutic relationship. So . . . yeah. Try someone else. Good listeners are more common than you think. And most of those good listeners are actually good at their jobs.

And besides, she wasn't really helping me, was she fellow Me-Fites?

My last therapist had her share of faults. She made some mistakes. Sometimes I ruminate over them. And then I stop doing that and recognize that I am, in fact, MUCH stronger and healthier for having worked with her.

Your gut feeling appears to be that you are not getting stronger and healthier.

Try someone new.
posted by jason's_planet at 2:08 PM on March 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

If you really think you'll have trouble letting out all your secrets to a new person. I would at least talk to her and see what she has to say, which could have a few possible results. One would be she sees no need to apologize, and it just confirms your low opinion of her. Another is that she's realized how inappropriate her behavior was, and wanted to apologize to you, and you accept it, but aren't ready to go back to her. The final is that you guys talk about what was wrong with the therapy, and give it another shot (although don't hesitate to bolt if she keeps the old habits).

If she apologizes, don't force yourself back to her. She was the one that fucked up. If you don't think she's good enough, don't go.
posted by QuarterlyProphet at 2:20 PM on March 2, 2008

Therapy is a licensed profession in most jurisdictions exactly because unprofessional behavior like this causes harm to the patient: harm you describe very eloquently.

If your "therapist" was not licensed, you should report her to your state professional board for practicing psychotherapy without a license. If she was licensed, report her unprofessional behavior to the same board.

Then, go find a new therapist, one with a license and with a professional work ethic.
posted by ikkyu2 at 2:26 PM on March 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

She sounds awful- get someone new.

And, I'm not sure s/he needs to be a "sex" therapist. The problems you describe sound like the things a "regular" therapist deals with every day. I don't see any need to limit yourself to the probably small set of people in your area who put "sex" in their title.
posted by drjimmy11 at 2:29 PM on March 2, 2008

New therapist. Whatever you're working on, there's a good chance your first therapist isn't going to be right for you. The process of taking responsibility for your own improvement and switching to a new therapist may be wrenching, but it's often an essential part of your own therapy journey.
posted by dhartung at 2:46 PM on March 2, 2008

The problems you describe sound like the things a "regular" therapist deals with every day. I don't see any need to limit yourself to the probably small set of people in your area who put "sex" in their title.

I just wanted to point out that a large portion of the therapists without "sex" in their title have a rather sex-negative attitude. They tend not to understand a request like, "Help me cope with liking feet, while also still loving feet."
posted by Netzapper at 2:50 PM on March 2, 2008

What everyone else said, but I want to focus on this:

I never confronted her about this, because I felt weird doing it

You need to get over this attitude. You are paying this person and they owe you professional service; if you're seeing a therapist who pulls shit like that, call them on it. For one thing, you may be making things better for all their clients; for another, confronting them civilly will help you deal with your anger issues!
posted by languagehat at 2:59 PM on March 2, 2008

Her conduct is egregiously unprofessional. Definitely get a new therapist. No question whatsoever. You really don't want to be doing intense therapeutic work with someone that disrespectful to you and to the norms and ethics of her own profession.
posted by sneakin at 3:07 PM on March 2, 2008

Don't feel at all shy about "shopping around" for a therapist. Make appointments with, say, three of them, explaining that you're looking for a therapist you can feel comfortable with. If they're at all professional, each will be understanding and encouraging. Have a session with each and, I'd say, go with your gut feeling. You'll have to pay for each session of course, but beyond that you don't owe any of them anything but a thank you and a call back.
posted by L. Fitzgerald Sjoberg at 3:31 PM on March 2, 2008

The bottom line is that you saw this person for a year and after the first few sessions made only modest progress. Try someone different.
posted by LarryC at 3:43 PM on March 2, 2008

I just wanted to point out that a large portion of the therapists without "sex" in their title have a rather sex-negative attitude.

Kink Aware Professionals maintains a list of therapists, many without "sex" in the title, with a rather sex-positive attitude. Might be useful.
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:54 PM on March 2, 2008

My shrink is often 10-15 minutes late. It's not right, and it's not normal among psychiatrists and therapists (judging from my highly unscientific investigation). But it every other way, she's excellent, so I live with it.

Accepting a rare emergency phone call (under 5 minutes) is okay. Maybe it's a suicidal client. But longer interruptions are completely unacceptable.

If all you want is someone to listen -- and that's worth a lot -- fine. But if you feel like you're not getting much out of your therapy, then you talk with the therapist about it. If you still feel like you're spinning your wheels after that, you have to move on.

It might have done you some good to address these problems with her, if only because you'd be breaking your non-confrontational habit. But she's in your past now. Try again with someone new... and when they do something that bothers you, speak up.
posted by wryly at 4:13 PM on March 2, 2008

- she was regularly late for appointments, which was a problem because I would see her during the day and would have to get back to work as quickly as possible.
- She was only interested in hearing about my agony - but never really seemed interested in guiding me to making any changes - for the entire year she always promised "soon we are going to get really intense", but after 6 months of hearing that, I kinda didn't expect much.
- She would take long phone calls in the middle of our session, talking from 10 to 20 minutes per call. I would always get my hour's worth, but it was still annoying, considering that I was pressed for time and was pushing my luck with work every time I would stay past the hour.


particularly the phone calls in the middle of your session?? wtf. what?

get a new therapist. these aren't just bad habits, they are completely unprofessional. especially since she hasn't seemed to address any of your goals for therapy. you won't get anywhere with a therapist you don't trust, even if it's with the most standard, professional courtesies because you'll spend part of your session annoyed with her and not concentrating on what needs to be done.

shop around for a therapist. outline your goals from the beginning. tell them what happened with this particular therapist and why you stopped seeing her. tell them you have a timeframe to start working on them after you've spent however many sessions revealing your issues first. don't shell out good money for someone who isn't helping you.
posted by violetk at 4:33 PM on March 2, 2008

i can relate to having a therapist who wasn't a shining star of professionalism. at the time (about four years ago), i was unable to confront the therapist about the things that bothered me. so i just left. i found another therapist who i like much better, and have been with her since. with all the work i've done with my current therapist, i now feel like i'd be better able to confront the old therapist. but i just couldn't at the time.

so, my recommendation: it's not a big deal that you didn't confront her and just blew up at her and left. at least you expressed your anger at all!! which you rightly deserved to do. as almost everyone else has stated, this therapist sounds awful and you should definitely find another one. if you are particularly interested in the therapy going somewhere (i.e. achieving some goals), i recommend finding someone who uses a Cognitive-Behavior Therapy model. with psychoanalysis, you could head down the same path you've been on in terms of feeling like it's not really going anywhere. with CBT, you'll set goals and reevaluate how you're doing on achieving them as you go.

and lastly, i just have to make the point again because i'm so incensed reading about it: your former therapist's lack of respect for boundaries is truly mind-boggling. therapy is supposed to happen in a very particular physical and mental space because it's really important for creating a safe container for the issues you want to bring up. your therapist severely violated this. i imagine that if you felt 'safe' talking to her, it won't be difficult to find another therapist that you'll feel comfortable with. listen to your gut!

and good luck! you're embarking on a very important journey, so don't give up!
posted by crunchtopmuffin at 6:29 PM on March 2, 2008

Yes, find a new therapist. But I'd be tempted to send the old one a link to this thread.;-) She really needs to smarten up.
posted by orange swan at 7:45 PM on March 2, 2008

Definitely unethical behavior on the part of the therapist. Don't go back and consider reporting her to your state licensing board if you like. Shop around for a new therapist - you could even tell this story to new candidates and see what their reaction is as a gauge to what it would be like to work with them.

Imagine how great it's going to feel when you have a conscientious therapist who not only knows what he/she is talking about but who will also give you his/her full attention and treat you with the respect you deserve.
posted by jasper411 at 9:31 PM on March 2, 2008