help me with my psycho ex girlfriend

March 1, 2008 4:44 PM

help me with my psycho ex girlfriend

Here's the story...

I got involved with a 28 year old woman. We were in love. She cheated on me. I'm no longer in love with her, so I broke up with her about a month ago. She is still in love with me and won't let me go. She constantly calls my cell and texts me numerous times a day. She calls me at 4 and 5 in the morning waking up my parents and stops by my house and rings our doorbell until she eventually gives up and leaves. I told her I did not want anything to do with her after she cheated on me, but she won't take no for an answer. If I change my phone number she will someway or another find it out through our mutual friends. I don't know what to do she is persitant and won't leave me alone. How do I get her to stop psycho stalking me?

posted by anonymous to human relations (22 comments total)

This is what restraining orders are for.
posted by Pater Aletheias at 4:49 PM on March 1

Is a restraining order out of the question?
posted by not_on_display at 4:49 PM on March 1

Restraining order, change your phone number, keep it unlisted, and inform your mutual friends that she is not to get th ephone number under any circumstances whatsoever.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 4:59 PM on March 1

nth for restraining order, and change the phone number... just that easy.... and, I'm guessing there is probably no other way to accomplish this.
posted by HuronBob at 5:03 PM on March 1

Get a grand central number (mefimail me if you want an invite) and tell all your friends that you've changed your number. Set up grand central so that all calls from her automatically get re-routed to voicemail. I'm not sure how grand central manges texts.

Next time she rings your doorbell in the middle of the night, call the cops and let them sort it out.

Other than that, 5thing the restraining order suggestion.
posted by necessitas at 5:04 PM on March 1 [4 favorites]

Have you actually said "no"? Tell her in no uncertain terms that your relationship is over and that her unstable behavior is the cause for it, and there is NO chance for a reconciliation and that you don't want to have any contact with her in the future, and that she is not welcome at your home or work, and that she is not to attempt to contact you in any way again. Leave no room for doubt.

If she continues after this (or if you have done this already), yes, get a restraining order. Have NO contact with her. At all.

From your description, I envision she is doing one of two things. Either she is suffering from some sort of mental disorder and needs medical help, or she is just an immature control freak who wants you to bend to her will and cannot accept decisions made by others.
posted by gjc at 5:07 PM on March 1 [1 favorite]

I don't know if a restraining order is really necessary, I mean I take it you're not fearing for your safety, right? If she shows up and annoys your parents call the cops, but I think as long as you keep her totally cut off she'll eventually get over it.
posted by delmoi at 5:12 PM on March 1

Depending on your state, even if you're not in fear for your safety, you may be able to get a stalking order, or something similar.

Google domestic violence resources for your county. You may not consider this violence, but stalking is generally lumped in with DV for purposes of legal and social services, etc. You will most likely find at least one state and county-specific website that will break down your options for you. You can also try calling your local Legal Aid office. Unless your income is extremely low, or unless you qualify for some kind of special domestic violence fund, Legal Aid probably will not be able to offer you legal representation. They do, however, do an awful lot of work with these kinds of issues, and they'll almost definitely be able to help guide you to useful programs, organizations, state and county-specific information sources, etc. Your local domestic violence hotline may also be able to provide this kind of help.
posted by palmcorder_yajna at 5:47 PM on March 1

No restraining order needed. Next time she is at the door at midnight, take a video on your phone or something of you telling her she is not welcome here. If she is still there in 5 minutes call the cops and show the video. Once she has been arrested detained or warned by the cops where there is a record of it, it gets even easier to notify them about harrassing phone calls or visits. It is amazing about how a night in county lockup waiting for the bondsman makes the realization "it's over" sink in.

So I've been told.
posted by spartacusroosevelt at 5:48 PM on March 1

I had a similar issue with an ex, but he was also hacking my e-mail and making up lies in order to procure information from friends.

At the time, I looked this up on the internet and pretty much every site agreed on what you should do: Ignore. Do not act upset. Do not confront her and tell her she is out of line. Act like she is invisible and inaudible. If you don't give her any reinforcement of any kind, she will eventually give up and go away.

Talking to her or responding to her is definitely not what you should do. That is exactly what she wants. You should also warn your friends and family, because she is likely to try to get to you through them.

It worked for me.
posted by giggleknickers at 5:51 PM on March 1 [3 favorites]

Nthing the "ignore" advice. I have heard stalking compared to gambling on a slot machine - the player keeps putting money in the machine in the hopes that they hit the jackpot.

I would also suggest keeping a written record of all her unwanted contact. Even if you're not ready to get an order against her, in case you do, it will be beneficial to have it all written down. And be sure to record the ways in which you've had to change your lifestyle. Familiarizing yourself with the local laws about stalking and harassment would also be helpful.

And though she might be able to get your new phone number from friends, you should still change it. Again, if and when you have to go to court about this, the fact that you had to change your phone number, and the fact that she got it, will help your case.

Good luck with this.
posted by suki at 6:35 PM on March 1

just an fyi: cops won't do anything unless she is actually trying to break into your house or causing you physical harm.
posted by violetk at 7:26 PM on March 1

just an fyi: cops won't do anything unless she is actually trying to break into your house or causing you physical harm.

It depends on where you live. There are a lot of places where cops don't really have much to do.
posted by delmoi at 8:02 PM on March 1

Sorry to hear that, anon.

I had an incident like that waaaay back, however, because she came calling to my grandparents' where I was temporarily living [in Ontario], pushed her way in when my grandfather opened the door, headed for the kitchen, grabbed a knife asking where I was and cut my grandfather with it...in short.
I Had to charge her, so she could get the treatment she needed. By the time court rolled around, she was chill and I told the judge, 'no charges, no criminal record [assault with a deadly weapon-knife] just a recommendation for treatment/ therapy.
It was granted. Without laying charges, the police couldn't do anything.
Earlier that day, I took her to a hospital...I felt she was having a schizophrenic episode [smelling things that weren't there], they couldn't keep her for any lengthy tests if it was against her will... so she left...

Possibly a note on your door, in someone else's handwriting [Parents'] 'Anon [your name] has moved away, please do not disturb anymore' may help. With an address and number of a distress centre or such.

Use the back door to enter your home though and don't go down your street through the front door, seriously. She'll be stalking it out if you have that note on the door...

Good luck and hope she soon gets the help she needs.
posted by alicesshoe at 8:34 PM on March 1

You can turn the ringer off on your phone during the night. And change your phone number anyway, or get rid of your phone for awhile. You friends can contact you online until she's off the scent.
posted by oneirodynia at 8:37 PM on March 1

I'm going to take a bit of a stab in the dark here and say that this is going to get worse before it gets better, I had something like this happen to a friend of mine while he was in college. She ended up falsely reporting him for domestic abuse (charges were never brought and the cops even said she was crazy, but my friend now has a police record nonetheless) and a fairly half hearted suicide attempt. You are going to have to make a judgment call as you obviously know her best as how far she might take this, but I would also try to talk to any mutual friends you have and maybe try to get them to intervene. Obviously the restraining order is an option, but as I have said before they aren't exactly the magic wand people think they are. But honestly, unless you think she is an immediate threat to your safety, I would try talking to anyone close to her and let them know that she will soon be facing legal/police action and hopefully someone she will listen too will get some sense into and/or pressure her into therapy.
posted by whoaali at 9:02 PM on March 1

Call the cops.
posted by hadjiboy at 9:45 PM on March 1

This info is from Minnesota, but it contains overall good general advice. I was being harrassed by phone from my first husband's ex-wife. She found out he was dating someone and when I moved in with him, she started calling at odd hours and telling me she was his wife (they had been divorced 5 years!).

I let it be known via a mutual friend who worked with her that I would be filing charges for phone harrassment if the calls continued. I unplugged the phone at night before we went to bed for a while.

After she got word of possible legal charges against her, she stopped. Sometimes just the threat of legal action will make someone think twice.

I would also go to the door if she comes over and say through the door that you are calling the police. One more doorbell ring and dial 911. They will probably give her a good talking-to and let her know the ramifications of future stalking behavior. They will advise you on how to get a restraining order as well because it gives them more power to do something if she won't give up.

Good luck and remain calm.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 4:34 AM on March 2

It's a lot harder for a male to get sympathy from cops and courts over stalking by a female than vice versa, so make sure you document *everything.*
posted by fourcheesemac at 4:42 AM on March 2

stops by my house and rings our doorbell

unless you live in the southern emisphere, it's winter. open a window, dunk a big bucket of water on her head. she'll figure that out.

waking up my parents

nice motivation to get the hell out of your panrent's house, you've been dating a 28 year old, I'm sure you're old enough
posted by matteo at 7:35 AM on March 2

It sounds like she thinks she hasn't had the chance to "explain" what happened - you ditched her after finding out about the cheating and she thinks if she can just show you why she really does still love you blah blah blah then you'll come back. It sounds like the whole thing ended very immaturely. How old are you? Why are you still living at home if you're dating a 28 year old? You should definitely make sure she understands that you are not just getting out because of wounded pride, but you really feel that the foundation of the relationship cannot be restored, and that you have no interest in trying to rebuild things. Give her closure on the issue.

If this really was love, try to end things with dignity - make it clear where you stand, but let her have her say too. If you were too angry to talk it out when you originally left her, meet for a coffee now. Be clear, calm, unemotional, and if she doesn't seem to be getting it, let her know you'll be getting a restraining order if she keeps harassing you. But I would give her that last chance of handling things sensibly, as it sounds to me like everything kind of exploded & she may not realize how much of a pain she's being.
posted by mdn at 11:10 AM on March 2

No thread on this topic would be complete without a suggestion of The Gift of Fear.

Right now, write down everything you remember about the harassment, including specific dates and times. From now on, every time she calls you or comes to your house, write it down. Save her emails and any notes she leaves you. If they upset you, you shouldn't read them, but save them; you may want them as evidence later if you need to prove to the authorities that she really is stalking you. Don't delete her emails; have them routed to a folder in your email account that you don't have to read, but that is saved.

If you now or ever believe that you or anyone you know are in any danger, call the police immediately. Even if you think you may be overreacting, better safe than sorry. But if you believe that she's just trying to get your attention and isn't dangerous, the best thing that you can do is not react at all and encourage those around you not to react on your behalf. Don't answer the door, hang up the phone when she calls, and don't answer her letters or emails. Ask your parents not to answer the door or the phone for her, and ask your friends not to talk about you with her. Other than to document her stalking, pretend that none of this is happening. It will be difficult, but experts say that with a nonviolent stalker, it's the method most likely to get them to go away.
posted by decathecting at 8:35 PM on March 2