And Girlfriend Makes Three

February 28, 2008 5:03 PM

When my lease expires at the end of May, my boyfriend and I will be moving together. This is all very exciting, but I'm going to go from living alone to being a (basically) stepmom to a 10 year old boy. How can we make this easier on everyone? Are there any books that will be helpful?

My boyfriend and I have talked about this a lot recently, but the conversation always ends with a panicky "I don't know what to do! I've never done this before!" on both ends, and we'd like to change that.

I think his son is a great kid, but we're not very close yet. I'm really good with kids in general, but the importance of not screwing this up has made me awkward around him and unsure of myself because I'm so scared of him hating me. It's gotten better the more I spend time with him, but I still need help.

We have so many questions (How does he tell his son? How much do I hang around on his weekends at our shared house? Should I be more of a mother-figure or more of a friend? What do we do if he hates it? Etc, etc) that it feels a bit overwhelming at times.

We're especially looking for book recommendations, but advice and tips from people who have been through this are also appreciated.

posted by kerfuffled to human relations (16 comments total)

Bruno Bettelheim
posted by matteo at 5:05 PM on February 28

Donald Winnicott is pretty good reading too
posted by matteo at 5:06 PM on February 28

If you aren't getting married you are not his step-mother and it is important that you not act the part. Just try to win his trust and to respect his bond with his dad without inserting yourself into every situation. It is going to be very weird for the little guy, give him some room.
posted by LarryC at 5:33 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

Having more or less been that kid, definitely do not try to be a parental figure, defer to dad always, don't try to change the way he parents his son and yeah I'd try to give them as much time to themselves on his weekends as you can. There may come a time when you begin to be invited along, but I would give him lots and lots of room at first. I would also suggest his father sitting down with him alone and asking how he feels about you moving in and whether he is ok with it. I would also give him veto power personally, but I don't know if you and your boyfriend would be willing to go that far. But definitely when he is told you shouldn't be there, so he can at least react without having to put on a happy face if he's upset about it.

I don't want to be all doom and gloom, I have many friends who love their step parents and it could all work out great, but I would treat this situation with kid gloves.
posted by whoaali at 5:49 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

My step-mom came on the scene when I was about 10 years old. She is a great woman and was an instrumental part of my adolescence and dealing with my parent's divorce. The best advice I can offer: don't try to be a mom, but don't try to be a friend either.

Sometimes he might need you to be mom-ish, sometimes he might need you to be friend-ish, sometimes he'll need you to leave him alone, and sometimes might need you to act as an intermediary between him and his father. Just be cool, be yourself, and don't over-extend yourself into situations unless you are specifically asked to do so.
posted by gnutron at 5:50 PM on February 28

I agree that you are NOT his step-mother...don't pretend you are.

I will go one further and say that if you and his dad aren't committed to each other enough to get married, then it kinda sucks for you to throw a wrench into a ten-year-olds life just because your lease is up.
posted by clh at 5:55 PM on February 28 [5 favorites]

I was in a very similar situation to your boyfriend's son. My father remarried when I was about 10, and is still married to the same woman 15 or so years later. I have a really great relationship with my stepmother (and, these days, my father and mother). We're not as nearly as close as I am with my parents, but I am as close with her as I am with almost anyone else in the world.

I obviously can only speak from my own experience, but my experience was very good, so here's what I can offer based upon that...

If the kid is still seeing his mother a lot, then she is his mother. It's not your responsibility to be that to him at all. I would think that that goes double given that you're not going to be married. That doesn't mean you should be his pal, either, it means you should be his father's girlfriend (or wife, eventually). Let your boyfriend be the parent and set rules and be the heavy to the extent it's neccesary. You should back him up, but there's no need to for you to do anything that could lead to that "you're not my mother!" stuff, because you're not. Let your boyfriend handle it, I'm sure he's handled it fine for whatever time was between him splitting up with the mom and now.

If there's any trouble in the relationship between your boyfriend and the kid's mother, stay out of it. Just stay completely, 100% out of it, at least in front of the kid. There is nothing to be gained there. If it's intense, you can help a lot just by not being crazy about it.


Be good to the kid and let him relate to you at his own pace. Be straight with him about your relationship with his dad, he's ten, he understands what's up pretty much.

Overall, just try to be kind to the kid and show him that you're open to having a relationship. Do stuff with him and the dad, and let him and the dad do stuff together without you as well.

Hopefully that makes sense.
posted by YoungAmerican at 5:55 PM on February 28

I think it's great that you are seeking advice on how to make this change work out for the kid and the inter-relationships. Your boyfriend should be seeking practical advice as well. He should know, before you make plans to move in, exactly what role he wants you to play in his son's upbringing. Official stepmother or not, if you're living with dad, you're de facto.

My boys' stepfather moved in with us when they were 7 and 9, and that only happened because I was sure that he was as good a match for them as he was for me. My first job is to do right by my kids, and your boyfriend's first job is to do right by his. That means setting the tone and the boundaries and the rules for potential changes to living situations.

I disagree that you should have to make yourself scarce on weekends or whatever. It's to be your home as well. The goal should be to have all three of you equally comfortable under the same roof.
posted by headnsouth at 6:15 PM on February 28

I'd concentrate on making friends with the kid. Don't try to raise him or discipline him — at least at first. Leave all that up to his dad for now, and in time, when the boy learns to respect and love you, you will come to have more of a parental role.
posted by orange swan at 7:19 PM on February 28

Whether you should be a mother-figure to this boy has almost nothing to do with your marital status. Instead, it has to do with how committed you are to his father and what the boy needs.

If he has a mother in his life already who does a good job, then he doesn't really need another. It's not your job to compete with her. However, if his biological mother is out of the picture, then there's no reason for him to be denied a good role model just because of genetics.

It is possible for you to become his mother, if he needs you to. Even if you never marry his father, even if you are "only" a step-mother. It's a role you grow into, not receive overnight. But my point is, it is something you can grow into.

I can't suggest much about how to grow into the right role. What I really appreciated from my step-father was that he went out of his way to do things with me. It showed that he wasn't just there, putting up with me, because he was with my mom. He took me skiing, he taught me how to bake a cake.... Little tasks and hobbies that aren't important for their own sake, but show that you are there, for him, for his sake.

Again, how much you need to be there for his sake depends on what parental figures he currently has and how much time you end up with him in general. But... No one was ever harmed by having another loving influence in their life.
posted by Ms. Saint at 7:19 PM on February 28

clh: "it kinda sucks for you to throw a wrench into a ten-year-olds life just because your lease is up"

Yes. It would suck for this boy to get all attached to you and for you to be out of the picture in six months or a year.
posted by LarryC at 10:36 PM on February 28 [1 favorite]

"it kinda sucks for you to throw a wrench into a ten-year-olds life just because your lease is up"

Yes. It would suck for this boy to get all attached to you and for you to be out of the picture in six months or a year.


Thanks, but I'm not going anywhere and this isn't just a matter of convenience because of my lease. Neither of us would have even considered living together if we weren't completely committed to being with each other and this isn't a decision we made lightly. We're not likely to get married anytime soon for personal reasons, but I'm not sure how a wedding ring would do much to change my relationship with the son anyway.
posted by kerfuffled at 11:28 PM on February 28

I'm going to be marrying my children's future step-dad in June. We've been together for 4.5 years, and he's courted the kids as much as he has me. My kids are almost 11 and 10 now. My guy's parents are divorced and remarried, so he's had a lot more experience with step-parents than I have, so I listen carefully to what he says about what has worked for him in that regard.

From what I can tell, his best relationship with his steps has been when they haven't tried to be the Other Mom/Dad. Things went better when they were present and willing to meet him on his own terms. There's always the occasional friction, but being willing and able to work through that is excellent. My guy calls both of his steps by their first name instead of Mom or Dad, and everyone is happy with that. My kids call my man by his first name and we are all happy about that, too. My kids call their dad's wife Mom at dad's insistence, and I don't think any of us are really thrilled there.

Often, I have to be the disciplinarian. I'm the primary custodial parent, and the kids get the usual every other weekend plus holidays with their dad. It's frustrating to me when my guy gets a bee in his bonnet and feels the need to tell me what I "should" do when it comes to dealing with the kids or the ex. My personal instinct is to ask you to please try to restrain the urge if you possibly can. There are ways to do it right, but it's a challenge. It's hard to not take criticism of parenting personally. After all, I've been doing this on my own for most of a decade now, and so far, they're turning out ok.

My fiance often actively engages with my kids and always has. He'll sit down and play a game or help them accomplish a chore. Often at times when I'm just too tired or whatever. He has brothers that are quite a bit younger and is really good with kids. They all really enjoy those times a lot. For instance, tonight I was just beat, and he sat down and played a couple rounds of Go Fish with them. They had a great time, and I was smiling by just listening to it.

If his son is only there on weekend visits, my best advice is to concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend when the kid isn't there. As others have said, he's 10, and that's old enough to be aware of what's going on around him. If you two are obviously happy together, he'll pick up on that. The boy getting face time with his dad is very important.

Best of luck to you and yours! It'll likely be easier than you think.
posted by lilywing13 at 1:03 AM on February 29

A good general resource (not tailored to divorce situations as such) are the Michael Gurian's The Wonder of Boys (which goes from toddlers to adolescence) and A Fine Young Man (which goes from adolescence to young adulthood). They are books that can give you perspective on your step-son-to-be's behavior and help you understand what he's going through and what he needs.

With my own sons, my wife was fine with them until they were about that age (beginning of adolescence) and then they started acting in ways very foreign to her. It was just normal adolescent stuff, but they weren't acting like her "little boys" anymore. The Gurian books helped her get through it.

Part of what you have to deal with is the step-parent issue, but even if that wasn't going on, your step-son is on the cusp of plenty of changes of his own. You haven't watched him grow up the whole time, so the Gurian books may give you the necessary background to be ready as he begins dealing with the issues of his adolescence.
posted by Doohickie at 6:43 AM on February 29

If there's any trouble in the relationship between your boyfriend and the kid's mother, stay out of it. Just stay completely, 100% out of it, at least in front of the kid. There is nothing to be gained there. If it's intense, you can help a lot just by not being crazy about it.

No matter how badly you think of your boyfriend's son's mother, never mention it. My niece, M, knows exactly what her step mother thinks of M's mom, and I can tell it hurts my niece. M's mom is a part of her.
posted by Monday at 10:38 AM on February 29

You say you're good with kids in general, which is fantastic. Still, I like to recommend this episode of NPR's This American Life called How to Talk to Kids to anyone who is nervous or uncomfortable around children (which it sounds like you might be given the new situation). The overall theme of the broadcast essentially says that kids are people, they just have less life-experience than adults. If I were in your situation, I would treat him as an equal or roommate in the beginning and maybe become more parental later on if my boyfriend and I decided that was the right thing to do.

Best of luck.
posted by easy_being_green at 4:31 PM on February 29