Excuse me, ladies, how long is your kissing window?

February 27, 2008 7:57 AM

So there's this beautiful woman that I'm finding myself overwhelmingly attracted to. We have a great time, seem to have some chemistry, some central common interests. There's been a couple of moments when I thought that she wanted me to kiss her. But they don't last long. Oh yeah, she's a biter.

So there's this woman that I know. I like her a lot. A lot a lot. I think I might like her a lot a lot a lot a lot.

I know her from a class. She was (I think) dating someone from the class. I believe she is not dating him any longer. He seemed sort of lame. But it made me very sad, as I was trying to take things pretty slow with her.

Recently she came over my house for dinner. To talk about a mutual interest/hobby/passion we have. It was pretty awesome.

So here's the meat of the question. I was really unsure of where I stood at the time, because of the other dude. Not sure if this was a date or what. I think it was not a date. I believe we've yet to have been on a real date. So I was showing her something on my computer, and she was sitting in my chair and I reached across her to grab the mouse, and she leans over and bites me. On my arm. Really, really hard. I thought it was going to be black and blue, but was dissapointed when it wasn't.

It took me a second to figure out what just happened, and then, not so smoothly, I was like "why did you bite me?" and she said "I couldn't resist".

And she looked at me for like a millisecond, and I was thinking, ok, I kiss her now? And then, just as quickly, she turned her head and said she had to go...put on her coat and said goodnite, gave me a hug and left.

Saw her again this weekend, spent a couple of hours with her. Had an equally nice time. Lots of joking. That could be flirting? It was flirtateous. But I believe she's the type of person who is generally charming and flirtateous and maybe really hard to read. So when I was leaving, I looked at her and she was looking at me, and there was this second where I thought I could kiss her and then just as fast as the last time, she turns her head and gives me a big hug, and then I leave.

Ok so I'm confused. Am I expected to jump in, real quick, when I have the chance? I'm used to kissing where there is a sort of long look. I'm generally more comfortable with women letting me know they want to be kissed, where it's pretty clear what's going on. But after both these occassions, I felt like kissing might have been appropriate...maybe even wanted by the other side. And if she'd kept my gaze like 2 more beats, I would have gone for it.

I'm wondering if I'm a) being a panzy for not going in quickly when the moment presents itself or b) being smart and taking some time and sucking up the way this makes me totally bonkers and how I just want to kiss her the whole time I'm around her. Additionally there's c) wondering if she's wanting me to make a move and may get bored if I don't and d) wondering if she wants this all to take a really long time and I need to plan on being cool and waiting till it really feels comfortable. Oh yeah and there's e) that in the end she's just going to want to be friends and I'm going to have wasted all this high end worrying for nothing. I've had E happen a few times and it's my backup anxiety.

So, ladies of Askmefi, if you are letting a guy know that you want to be kissed, how long do you let him know for, and how fast do you turn away?

If it matters, she's an early 30s, super hot geeky type, a touch of sexy librarian, with an excellent sense of humor.

posted by anonymous to human relations (44 comments total)

If she bit you to initiate physical contact during an intimate moment, that's pretty sexy.

If she bit you "out of nowhere" based on non-sexual urges, that's kinda creepy.

The appropriate response to suss out where things stand would be to say something to the effect of: "Better be careful -- I bite back."

If she hasn't told you she has a boyfriend, she probably doesn't. But if you don't kiss her or make a move, she might have a different one soon -- someone who's not you.
posted by eschatfische at 8:13 AM on February 27

I don't know much about women, but I do know that any otherwise-socially-taboo touching is a good sign. Oral touching must be off the charts.
posted by DU at 8:14 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

a) You're not a "panzy" [sic]. You are thoughtful and careful.

b) It feels good to be this "bonkers" or you wouldn't pursue this, I'm guessing.

c) I don't think she'll be bored and move on. I think she wants what you want but is confused as how to proceed as you.

d) What is "cool"? Making a strong choice, taking a risk, is cool.

e) Sorry about the past, but it is the past. She is not the past, nor are you.

f) TELL HER all of the above. Over coffee. Over a beer. But TELL HER.

g) I'm a guy. But I hope this helps.

h) Good luck!
posted by Dizzy at 8:16 AM on February 27

She's flirting with you. She might just be that way, but it sounds like she's initiating contact and then shies away from following through. You say she's in her 30s but you both sound a little immature and/or inexperienced. I'm not a fan of games but it sounds like she's trying to play one and if you wait too long to do anything, she might lose interest. She's inviting you to play back, but if you're finding it awkward to just kiss her, then the next time she behaves that way, tell her if she doesn't stop it or you'll kiss her (or say you bite back or whatever). When she doesn't stop, there's your green light.

And if you aren't sure if she's dating anyone, you could, you know, ask her if she's seeing anyone. And when she says no, ask her if she'd like to. And when she says yes, ask her if she's free to do x with you on y.
posted by Polychrome at 8:22 AM on February 27

This girl has given you a green light. To agree with DU and eschatfische, the biting was the tell-all. You now have literally nothing to lose by being completely forward and kissing her/flirting/etc. Feel confident in that she's given you a good reason to believe that would be appropriate. And if it doesn't work, hey... you cant say you never knew and it will be so much easier to move on. Sounds like there's a good outcome to this no matter what.
posted by Texasjake987 at 8:23 AM on February 27

The girl bit your arm. I think it's a pretty fair assumption that she's asking you to make a move. And really, what do you have to lose? If she pulls back and acts surprised, well, then you know that she's got some really, really poor boundaries and is a serious tease.
posted by widdershins at 8:24 AM on February 27 [3 favorites]

If she "couldn't resist" biting you, she's either flirting hard or she's batshit crazy. But this and many more AskMes would all be solved by just talking to the person. So do that.
posted by MsMolly at 8:27 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

The next time you are alone together, and close to her, bite her back, playfully and gently. If she is suprised, just say "you couldn't resist" move closer, touch her arm or hip and then kiss or give her a light nip somewhere closer to her lips (not her eye though, chicks hate being blinded). If she just takes the bite in stride, do the same thing, again avoiding biting her eyes. In either case, if things are still going well, kiss her.

If she really reacts badly to this attention, strongly consider that this girl is either a mess, or outside your skill level (so to speak). But first you might try talking to her about it. That might be another askmefi.
posted by Good Brain at 8:36 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

Came here to say what Good Brain just did. With her "couldn't resist" remark, she gave you the perfect line to defuse the situation if things don't go as hoped. You have nothing at all to lose by going for it.
posted by punishinglemur at 8:40 AM on February 27

Dude, she broke the contact barrier in a major way. You had better kiss her next time you see her or you're going to miss the boat. Don't wait for the perfect moment, as sometimes it doesn't exist. Just do it. She'll be happy you did.
posted by fusinski at 8:41 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

If she "couldn't resist" biting you, she's either flirting hard or she's batshit crazy.

(Either way she'll be a lot of fun)
posted by fusinski at 8:42 AM on February 27

Stop reading this post now, and go bite her back, it seems pretty obvious that she digs you.
posted by Scoo at 8:44 AM on February 27

BTMFA.

(Serious answer. She wants you to reciprocate or she likely wouldn't have used the phrase "I couldn't resist", she would have gone with something like "I dunno...")
posted by The Bellman at 8:44 AM on February 27

Before our first kiss, my now-fiance looked at me and said, "Can I kiss you?" Fairly direct approach. Also happens to work.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:45 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

Just kiss her. If it doesn't work out, its better than this going on for a long time. Biting is usually a good sign.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:50 AM on February 27

Yeah, bite her back. Except not the eyes, as Good Brain said (what a bizarre thing to specify).

I'm a woman, and what would send me off the charts is if the guy took my hand and gently nibbled my fingertips.

In any case, DO SOMETHING. This woman bit you because she couldn't stand the tension any longer. She was looking for a response from you and left when she didn't get one. Don't make her do all the work here. Go get her!

Also, the biting really sounds like a dominant/sadistic act on her part. If you're into it, then be the submissive she's looking for. Note that submissive does not mean passive or do-nothing. Domination/sadism is all about getting a response.
posted by desjardins at 8:54 AM on February 27

KISS HER. She bit you, dude. She BIT you. That's not normal. That's not "let's talk about our feelings, let's gaze and flirt, let's court and talk about the dowry," that is some straight-up raw animal action. The only proper response is to bite back, or at the very least, kiss her. Above all, confidence in your basest urges is going to serve you well here. Right now. Go. Run to her. Kiss her. Immediately.

If (and I can't imagine this is the case, but IF) she's not into you, then you'll find out soon enough. But if that's the case, and she asks where you got the idea that she was flirting, you will be well within your rights to say, "Well, eff, man. You bit me. What was that, then?"
posted by Greg Nog at 8:54 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

She's yours for the taking. Enjoy her.

Beware biters, though... I had one for a while and she chewed the living shit out of me during love-making. It hurt! I had to go to the doctor for a scheduled checkup a few weeks after our affair began and you should have seen the nurse's face when I took off my shirt to reveal my vast expanses of bruising. It made me uncomfortable. My current inamorata does not bite, thank heavens.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 9:01 AM on February 27

She bit you probably through sheer frustration at the lengths she has to go to to get you to make a move! Sheesh!

I would not bite her back, simply because having given you so many opportunities, she may have formed the impression you are dead from the neck down and it may shock her rigid.

I second the can I kiss you question, preferably ASAP.
posted by Wilder at 9:03 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

hello all.

thanks for the advice.

hope I get another shot here. I'm pretty much a moron at this stuff, particularly with women that I'm head over heals into.

I should maybe have specified that I'd seen this woman and the dude from class together at a party like 4 days before the biting thing happened, but have reason to believe that it's over at this point. And I was doing my best to just be her friend at that point and wait for the dude to dissapear (he was sort of lame). So it was really confusing and surprising for me, and I'm not maybe the swiftest when it comes to this stuff.

Also I'm petrifyingly afraid of rejection by people I care about. Even though in the end, knowing is always better than not knowing. So I guess I'll grow a pair here. I'm going to call her in a little bit.
posted by sully75 at 9:03 AM on February 27

I agree that this is what Capn Jack Sparrow called "an opportune moment" and that you should jump on in.

However, I also wouldn't be surprised if she's messing with your mind and enjoying your state of confusion. You'll be able to tell by how she reacts when you make your move. If she turns away and moves off, I'd say she's likes messing with you, and you have to decide whether you enjoy that delicious state of not knowing that gave rise to the greatest Clash song ever.
posted by jasper411 at 9:08 AM on February 27

How much physical contact is there when you two hang out? Start with some light touches on the arm and gradually increase the amount of contact if she seems receptive. I find it's pretty awkward to go from no contact to kissing, but if you gradually become physically closer throughout the night the whole process is a lot smoother, and even if you don't kiss her you'll probably get a better idea of where you stand.
posted by PFL at 9:10 AM on February 27

How about saying something like: 'I normally have to kiss people who bite me'. Its not Shakespeare, but it should get the message across, and you should be able to judge by her reaction whether to go for the smooch or not.
posted by ob at 9:34 AM on February 27

I fully expect the following AskMe to appear sometime in the next few hours, if it hasn't already:

So there's this guy that I really like and want to kiss...and the other night I panicked a little about it and BIT HIM ON THE ARM instead. What should I do now? (more inside)
posted by gnomeloaf at 9:55 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

she bit you, she wants you.

bite her back. inside the wrist, top of the shoulder, back of the neck.

rawr.
posted by phritosan at 10:02 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

She bit you.

I'll echo the others: either she wants you, or is bat shit insane. Either way, it'll be fun. It might be a stressful mess, but it'll be fun. Kiss her already.
posted by Loto at 10:07 AM on February 27

This reminds me of a quote from Bob Goldthwait about "dating psycho chicks." "One minute, she's cuddly as a lamb. The next, it's Silence Of The Lambs."

As for you - kiss her. Or bite her if that's what you're into.

...hhmmmmmmm. On second thought, just kiss her. Save the biting for later.
posted by 2oh1 at 10:31 AM on February 27

I don't know...seems like this one is a pro at head games.

I'm guessing she knew previously that you dug her and now she's available looking for a pick me up (I'm sorry I hope this is not the case but this happened to me a long time ago - I was the guy that she came back to between relationships).

You do have a green light to at least test the waters but proceed cautiously! You're the one that will end up hurt (and not just from the bite marks).
posted by doorsfan at 10:35 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

Actually, I might specifically seek her out just to kiss her and then tell her "I have been able to think of nothing else but kissing you". That kind of stuff sounds cheezy when people use it as a line and incredible when it is sincere. In your case, it certainly sounds like it would be sincere.
posted by Silvertree at 10:53 AM on February 27 [1 favorite]

See, this is what happens when you declaw. You could carry a squirt gun to discourage her.

Seriously though, just kiss her already. Jump with both feet. You're going regret not making your move more than the consequences or the occasional bruise.
posted by bonehead at 11:28 AM on February 27

This sounds SO FUN! Enjoy it...
posted by Stewriffic at 12:42 PM on February 27

The next time you meet her, I would take her hand and gently kiss it. Say you have been thinking about the time she bit you and then 'bite' at the same place you just kissed.

She how she responds, and as you are still holding her hand you might then kiss, keep holding hands, etc.

I _love_ first kisses. The tension/feelings are heightened! Enjoy it, don't fear it...

enjoy
posted by fluffycreature at 1:51 PM on February 27

You may find this previous AskMe thread helpful.
posted by Zozo at 3:35 PM on February 27

Sounds like she's interested but nervous (or maybe that's just projection!); those big pauses make her bolt, not for fear of you, but for fear of the unknown. I think that it's a strange move to just go in for a kiss, so maybe before she bolts, grab her arm (gently but enough to stop her running away) and pull her towards you for the kiss. If you don't hang onto her, your kiss could land you face first on the floor as she darts out on you.
posted by kenzi23 at 3:36 PM on February 27

Also I'm petrifyingly afraid of rejection by people I care about.

Pretty much everyone feels this way. I used to think it's just me, but it's human nature...you become nervous when it really matters. Let that go.
posted by kenzi23 at 3:46 PM on February 27

Next time you are with her, tell her you are particularly tasty tonight.
posted by Foam Pants at 10:23 PM on February 27

hey anonymous - keep us posted. Good Luck!
posted by doorsfan at 2:00 PM on February 28

ok here's the deal.

hung out with her last night. we went owling. with a group. When I got to her house, the dude was there. the other dude. It totally freaked me out. He kind of shadowed her the whole night, and it was super awkward, and I was kind of annoyed at the whole thing.

We have a mutual friend, who does not know either of us very well. I confessed my crush and frustration to her. She encouraged me and was equally confused by the dude. It was really hard to figure out what was going on with them.

So I called her today to see if she wanted to have dinner on Saturday. Left a message. Didn't hear back from her...thought she was blowing me off. I've been so overwhelmed with this thing that I just wanted it over with.

She just called me now, she didn't get my message for some reason, wanted to know what I wanted. She was a little drunk (on one glass of wine=cute). We talked for a while, it started to get a little personal, talking about prior histories. She was talking about having been in 3 relationships, one right after the other, and not wanting to date. I mentioned a lot of dating, and having wanted to take some time off, and then meeting her.

She said she wasn't really looking for a relationship right now. I said, what's the deal with the biting thing? She said...that's normal for me. I said, you are crazy, that's fucking weird. She laughed.

Anyway, long story short. She said, I don't know what to do. I said, I don't either. I said, I like you a lot, and just enjoy your company. She said, I do to, but I'm not available right now.

So this is my retarded solution: I asked her if we could be sort of steady friends with potential for 3 months. She doesn't put me in awkward situations with dudes that I think she's dating and we spend a lot of time together. In 3 months we re-acess. I said...I don't want to have to pretend to not be attracted to you and pretend to not be interested in you. She said, no you don't have to do that.

I don't know. It sounds retarded. The only thing is that before this (actually based on another anon askmefi thread) I've been really trying hard not to date anyone, and I'm sort of comfortable being single. I realize, actually, that I'm way way happier single, than, say, trying to figure out why this girl is biting me. And also that I'm very very fond of her, and willing to give this some time.

Does this sound totally effing stupid? I'm worried that it does, but also I like her enough that I'm willing to maybe see if things come around. I could also see myself totally broken hearted in this process and really being pissed off.

BUT

in the past I've pushed relationships really hard and fucked them up. One in particular that reminds me a lot of her. I feel like this might give me some space and time to get to know her as a person.

Anyway, I believe I'm the first person to ever post a follow up to an askmefi romance thread, although I'd like to be proven wrong.
posted by sully75 at 6:27 PM on February 28

God I hope I haven't just signed on to an instant insanity program.

I feel like we have a lot of chemistry and a sort of closeness, but I also know full well that those things don't make a relationship unless both people want them to.

I guess I'll just see what happens. I feel better for at least talking it over with her and knowing where she's at.

I'm interested in feedback here though. If I sound like an amazing dumbass, please let me know. I did have a feeling that the biting thing was her little peculiarity and not particularly sexual. Or a way of expressing some sexual desire in a way that she could hide behind.
posted by sully75 at 6:47 PM on February 28

You're not a dumbass - she just sounds like someone who enjoys messing with guys' minds. You confused = she's happy because she has control. You clear = she needs to back away because she loses control. I'd say don't put any stock in this turning into a relationship as she probably isn't into something that would require that level of commitment.
posted by jasper411 at 10:14 PM on February 28

For the record, her explanation is that she has never dated, just gone from one long term relationship to the other, for 9 years or something. She went on a date or two with the afformentioned dude, but was turned off from dating and wants to be single for a while. I told her that I was working hard on not dating anyone for a while and really enjoying it. Then I met her.

I can't say she wasn't clear with me about her status and interest right now. This idea of being friends but not ruling out the idea of a future was totally my idea. I'm not totally ready to bag this whole situation, but not sure if I can be cool with this either. I guess I feel like giving this a month to see how things go, see if I can be her friend for a while or if it's not worth it. I could see it making me mental.

Part of the problem is that I am consistently attracted to women like this. I don't know how I pick them, because it takes me a long time to figure it out, but then I'm like, oh yeah...I've been here before.

Blah.
posted by sully75 at 4:16 AM on February 29

Headgames Bro...

Your solution isn't retarded, it's just coming from a place that wants this to work. Dude I've been there b4, you're in it to win it and she's just gonna be hanging out. 1 on 1 you guys have a great thing going but add people to the mix and you'll be a second class citizen.

She knows she has you and your a great pick me up.

Be friends, but I'd try keeping a distance and moving on. Who knows you could be the next when Harry Met Sally down the road some time - just don't hold you're breath and let it happen if it happens.

what about that mutual friend? ;-)

Good Luck man!
posted by doorsfan at 11:40 AM on February 29

I hate to be the one to say this, but I think that she doesn't really like you and she's too passive to say so. Yeah, the biting thing makes her seem like the aggressive sort, but you gave her a green light and she's all "meh." You suggest your compromise, and she's like, "yeah, sure, whatever." She didn't say, "You know, I like you too, but I'm enjoying being single so let's be friends for now." Instead she's letting you pursue her, which feels good to her, but she doesn't indicate any interest back. I don't think she's consciously playing headgames - I doubt she even knows she's doing this - but it sounds like she is, in fact, toying with you, and you'd be well-served to back the fuck away.

I used to be one of those girls. We're a terribly insecure lot.
posted by desjardins at 12:56 PM on February 29

Yeah, I could see that.

I don't think I'm going to be able to back totally away but I'm wary at this point. The whole thing pisses me off, kinda.
posted by sully75 at 1:48 PM on February 29