I let my heart go too far, now what?

February 26, 2008 8:22 PM

Two years ago I met a woman and was attracted to her. I had never been in a lesbian relationship before but found myself thinking about her often.

She was in a long term partnership that ended just before Christmas. Since then she has turned to me for friendship and support. We go out to concerts, dinner, dancing, and she has become friendly with my family. We flirt. Now I am REALLY in love and in trouble too because today she called to say that she had, (I know, I know), visited a psychic who told her she will soon break someone's heart without intending to. All of a sudden I realized she really had NO CLUE how I felt, I have basically made up this whole fantasy relationship, and the heart she is going to break is mine! NOW what do I do. She has great friend potential but I am in LOVE!!! AAAARGH. Please help me detach gracefully. I have one of those faces that show every thought that crosses my mind. Damn, damn, damn.

posted by haikuku to human relations (25 comments total)

If you truly want to have a relationship with this woman, do not give it up because of something a psychic, your mother, or anyone else says. You need to tell or show her how you feel. Maybe it won't work out, but seeing as how that's already what you think is going to happen, you have nothing to lose.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:29 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

So she is not lesbian? That's the only way i can make sense of why you do not want to pursue this.
posted by fjardt at 8:31 PM on February 26

fjardt: She is a lesbian. I am the newbie. Sorry for confusion.
posted by haikuku at 8:36 PM on February 26

Psychics are a humbug. Tell her how you feel.
posted by grumpy at 8:45 PM on February 26

The psychic stuff is crap. Just tell her how you feel.
posted by Justinian at 8:49 PM on February 26

Assume she's going to break the heart of a third party by falling hopelessly in love with you.
posted by tkolar at 8:50 PM on February 26 [14 favorites]

Are you really, truly sure she has no clue? You say the two of you flirt; you say every emotion shows on your face. This psychic tale could be a gentle way of letting you down.
posted by tomboko at 8:50 PM on February 26 [3 favorites]

Um. Surely, you jest.

Psychic tells girl you've fallen for who is also a lesbian that she's going to unintentionally break someone's heart? So you... want to detach?

If you're really "REALLY in love," you'll say bullshit to that and make a move. Or talk first, make move second.

Do you not believe there's a chance she could be interested in you, psychic notwithstanding? You guys do all manner of things together AND flirt AND are family-friendly and you're concerned... why? It's clear you want to be more than friends. See if she's game. Don't deny yourself happiness because of charlatanism.
posted by disillusioned at 8:52 PM on February 26

on preview, tkolar & tomboko made the exact opposing points i was about to make. spooky, huh?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:54 PM on February 26

If the question is how to detach from what sounds like a fulfilling relationship because of what a psychic said then this response; detachment is best achieved by pursuing interests in people and especially activities outside of the detachee. Also a big part of what makes our 'loved ones' so special to us is how comfortable we are to be ourselves with them (as opposed to casual aquantances,) so achieve that comfort with someone else (over time) and you're less dependent on the former flame.

If the question is what to do; ignore the fucking psychic. Be honest with your friend.
posted by oblio_one at 8:54 PM on February 26

Where I live, there is a psychic who also reads tarot cards. Hmmmm... doesn't the first negate the need for the second? It's all silliness. Your feelings are not silliness, and neither is love.

Take your time, there's no need to rush into anything, but definitely do pursue it.

The worst thing that can happen is that you have a meaningful experience with this woman but find out you're not a lesbian (or bi). If you approach this slowly and carefully, not to mention in a mature way, you could still end up with a wonderful friendship even if the relationship doesn't happen.

Best of luck.
posted by 2oh1 at 9:00 PM on February 26

For what it's worth, even though I don't believe in psychics in any kind of mystical, supernatural sense, I do believe that good 'psychics' can be very skilled at floating vague, open-ended questions & reading peoples' responses.

To give an example, loosely based on the scenario in this question:

Psychic: "I'm sensing that there's somebody close to you, somebody who has strong feelings for you...?"

Crush: [eyes don't light up; doesn't involuntarily smile a bit]

Psychic: "You will probably break their heart without meaning to..."

Of course, the psychic's open-ended line could equally apply to, say, a mother, or many other people close to the customer. Depending on the customer's reaction, the next question or statement could be very different, eg if the customer blurted out "Oh! It's my mum! Is she going to be alright?" the psychic would follow a different tack. She might even change tack completely, with a line like "the strong feelings might be love or hate, it's hard to read sometimes..." until she strikes a chord & gets a response.

This kind of technique - if the psychic uses it, consciously or not - might mean that her reading is not necessarily to be discarded so easily. A decent psychic is often little more than a facilitator, who helps people turn the mirror back on themselves, by giving them little suggestions that can act as seeds for thoughts & interpretations to crystallise around.
posted by UbuRoivas at 9:16 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

Well, if she's gonna break your heart anyway, you might as well go for it. And, you know, if she's not, then hey. Bonus.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 9:19 PM on February 26 [7 favorites]

Maybe reading too much in: It sounds like you think you might want to, but some part of you is afraid to try out being with a woman for real, not just as an imaginary scenario. (Think about whether that's plausible; maybe I'm wrong.) You only go around once in life -- if you're seriously in love and not just enjoying the imaginariness, you'll regret letting this chance go.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:36 PM on February 26

she called to say that she had, (I know, I know), visited a psychic who told her she will soon break someone's heart without intending to.

Disclaimer: Like many humans, I can be overly analytical and find meaning where none actually exists. But....

Why is she mentioning this to you? A lesbian woman, who you have feelings for, flirts with you, has a great time with you, and then mentions the quotes of a psychic about romance to you. Maybe she's trying to probe you for your reaction.

Listen to kittens for breakfast. (Now that is a sentence I never thought I'd write.) Don't rush in haphazardly in a way that could jeopardize friendship, but the hard part--knowing if she's a lesbian--is done. I don't think coming clean is a very risky endeavor.
posted by fogster at 9:44 PM on February 26

Now I am REALLY in love and in trouble too because today she called to say that she had, (I know, I know), visited a psychic who told her she will soon break someone's heart without intending to.

Sounds like she's trying to let you down gently. But, as they always say, candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker for winning a woman's heart. At least that's what a guy would do. But if you value the friendship perhaps you should experiment with someone else.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:47 PM on February 26

Next time you have a really great conversation, there'll be a moment where you're near her and the conversation's paused, and when that happens, look her in the eyes for a little bit longer and lean in a bit. Feel the spark. If it's there, lean further, for the not-quite-kiss. If you're right, and I think you are, she'll kiss back. Good luck. Faint heart ne'er won fair lady. :)

On the subject of drinking, one drink each to settle your nerves is good, more than that is trouble.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 10:08 PM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I have nothing to add other than, imho, aeschenkarnos voices some pretty damned good advice.
posted by Shiva88 at 10:20 PM on February 26

Ignore the psychic. You can try courting her, if you're smooth (I've never been very smooth). Or you could just try talking to her. Every dyke has had a first relationship or first crush, and we all remember how scary it was. Worst case scenario, your feelings aren't reciprocated but at least you've gotten it out in the open. Best case is that your feelings are reciprocated and you score. Or at least get to second base. Good luck.
posted by smartyboots at 10:56 PM on February 26

you should look into the book "look both ways" by Jennifer Baumgardner.

while it won't help with the urgency of your situation, it is a great read about 'finding out' you're a lesbian (or bisexual). the book is on bisexual politics.
posted by gursky at 6:18 AM on February 27

You'll just feel worse if you do not take the leap of faith now. Just consider yourself lucky that you actually fell for a girl who's actually lesbian. It would suck so badly otherwise.

And the psychic thing; yes it might be a gentle way of her saying no but I'd still go for it.
posted by the_dude at 6:44 AM on February 27

You have our permission to hit on her. Don't be subtle. Be blunt and ask her out.
posted by malp at 7:23 AM on February 27

Assuming you have only been in straight situations up 'til now, you have to make a move. The standard straight "wait 'til the guy makes the first move" play ain't going to work here.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:53 AM on February 27

Yeah for what it's worth, I also had a psychic tell me I was going to break someone's heart. Maybe I have, but that sounds like somewhat of a standard line. And for what it's worth, I also have this fortune from my lunch sitting on my desk, "It is a nice day.:)" and you know what? It's gloomy and has been raining for two days and it's supposed to snow later.

Do what you want to do, life's too short
posted by CAnneDC at 8:54 AM on February 27

Maybe she's trying to probe you for your reaction.

You know her best BUT, could she be lying about the psychic? I agree with fogster--she's feeling you out. It all just sounds so, I dont' know, coincidental? I think alot of people are into trying to see if they can "get" someone and when they have them, it's all, "well, you know, the strangest thing happened...I went to this psychic, and..."

And what tomboko said.
posted by wafaa at 2:59 PM on February 27