Where da men at?

February 26, 2008 8:39 AM

BostonDatingFilter: Are the single men too scattered around? Where are they?

I (shy, nerdy F late 30s) want to meet (shy or not, nerdy 30/40s) men in Boston, but don't know where to look. Bear with me here.

Everyone says, "well, just join activities where you'll meet them." Much easier said than done: I've been involved with several activities over the years, mostly classical music related since that's what interests me, and they all invariably, if I'm lucky, have maybe--maybe--one single man in it, who's just not my type. I'd like to find a group where there are more than one to choose from. What activities attract a lot of single men in this age group? Any and all activity suggestions are welcome, no matter how obscure or mainstream.

They also say, "but what about your church/synagogue? Don't you know tons of people there?" BAH hah hah. Trust me, the two particular places that I attend (was raised with both, so I sort of go to both, complicated) are not singles friendly. People go there to pray and expose their children to religion, not meet people. And none of them seem to know anyone I'd like to date.

When I ask my married friends where they met their beloveds, they say, "oh, I met them in this (very specific, non-reproducible work/synagogue/trip-in-the-Carribean) situation," so that's not helpful. It seems that we're all just too scattered around to meet each other, especially in Boston since there are a gazillion things to do.

I've tried both Speeddating and the singles night at the MFA, more than once; neither group seemed my type of people, especially the former. Also tried match.com and sweetongeeks.com, with limited results, but I'm just not good at meeting a perfect stranger face to face and trying to make small talk. I do much better where we'll all interested in doing the same activity, laughing and chatting about it. (If you've had success with these sites or any others, I'd like to hear about that too and how you succeeded.)

I'd really like from-experience, specific suggestions here, not just something like "oh, I heard that the AMC attracts singles, but I'm not sure"; I don't want to show up for a weekend hike only to find out that there aren't any singles on it. Yet another weekend wasted; been there, done that.

Please don't flame me for trying to micromanage the situtation or being too snobby. I've spent years looking for people--and succeeded a few times--and now I'm just tired of being alone and want to take the bull by the horns. My current way of doing things isn't working, so I want to try something else.

posted by Melismata to human relations (27 comments total)

Yes, it is true. People are scattered around, but there is one place that many of them hangout-- the Internets! What about online dating? This is a surefire way to find a lot of single men congregating in one place. I can't give you advice about particular sites, especially for what's popular in Boston, but I am sure others on here can.

Good luck!
posted by picklebird at 9:01 AM on February 26

I can vouch for the AMC. My wife and I, and most of our friends from that period of our lives, met in the AMC. They don't call it the Appalacian Mating Club for nothing. The Boston chapter has activity committees for just about any outdoor-related activities you might be interested in. Don't be put off by the Young Members committee either. It was started about ten years ago when most of the members were in their twenties and many of them have grown with it. In addition to weekend hikes, evening bike rides, and whatever else, there are also social activites such as pot lucks.

The Spring Into to Hiking and Backpacking Program will be starting up soon. This is a great place to meet people who are new to town and/or single.

You'll meet all types. It's mostly an intelligent, educated, liberal crowd. There are a few wackjobs here and there but they're easily avoided. I no longer lead hiking trips (married with a young child leaves little time for that) but when I did the crowd was mostly single people. I don't imagine it's changed all that much.
posted by bondcliff at 9:03 AM on February 26

Also try the Sierra Club Singles night, they go on hikes etc. together and was a huge scene. Finally you have a rich source of singles dating that you have not tried yet: Graduate students. There are tons of desperately lonely single graduate students in Boston. You might find them at or near the universities they work or at climbing gyms, mountain biking, hiking clubs, outdoor classes of various sorts, ski trips, etc. where they work out. But cut back on the classical music activities - those are good for meeting women (as you have pointed out), not men.
posted by zia at 9:13 AM on February 26

I've had great success meeting people (including my fiance) volunteering. You might try single volunteers or volunteermatch.org The thing I like about volunteering is that (a) everyone you meet is generally a decent person even if he or she is not your ideal mate and (b) even if you don't find a mate you can feel good about helping others.
posted by bananafish at 9:17 AM on February 26

(Not Boston specific so ignore by all means). Go back into education, do a phd-y type thing, meet a nice professor (don't tell me that's an oxymoron)? The trouble is, love relationships (in my experience) require a little magic, a little serendipity, which is precisely where that once-in-a-lifetime trip to the Caribbean etc comes in: you think, Wow, it's a miracle I ever met this person! And that cements things; and not knowing much about them to begin with is also a help ;) So it'll probably come at you out of left field, whatever that means. But in the meantime I think you just get out and about, build your friendships (friends, apart from being friends, are a source of the right kind of introduction), make sure you are having a good time (ok, you have to be ready to drop everything when the right guy comes along) and generally be prepared. I suppose if you were really serious you would dig up the statistics of where the most men are in your wanted age range, and what business they are in, and move yourself there.
posted by londongeezer at 9:19 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I'm a nerdy, single, male in his 30's... and I can completely identify with your dating frustrations. (sorry,.. I'm not near Boston (even though I was born there)). ;P

I've tried all the things you listed... and (sounds like) I pretty much had the same (completely unsatisfying) experience(s). (and like you, I dont think its because I'm overly picky or snobby, I've just gotten to that age where I know exactly the types of qualities I'm looking for and just havent found it yet. I credit this more to the fact that the world is filling up quicker with morons than it is with quality people)

As nerdy as it sounds, the best advice I can give is to find online communities that are filled with the types of people you are looking for. Some of the strongest relationships I have (as scary as this sounds) are with people online. (some physically near me, some not ; some I've met, some I've not). There is a chatroom related to Fark.com that I hang out in every day, and I know those people like my family. There are forums (like Ask.Mefi,etc) that I read daily and have met some interesting people through. Granted, this is more online activity and you are asking for in-person dating success possibility - but you have to start somewhere. My point being if you can make contact with a community of like-minded people, your dating chances should improve.

Being one.. I know that nerdy, single men are harder to make contact with because we are shy and reserved/subtle. We dont seek the spotlight or stage, we'd prefer to blend in. Its not because we are anti-social, its more likely that we are either busy or tired of fighting the crowds of shallow, pop-culture wasteland that is most often found in bars and "the scene".

But thats just my opinion and I'm sure I'm not representative of all nerdy single men... so "grain of salt" and all that. (what do I know.. I'm still single for gods sake).
posted by jmnugent at 9:20 AM on February 26

When I lived in Boston, I seemed to meet men everywhere (not the case now that I live in Arizona.)
Where in the city do you live? Are you able to get downtown Boston at lunch time? Between noon and 1 p.m., hormones seem to rage there with all the lawyers, financial types and yes, geek types wandering around! Where do you hang out? Any local spots? My favorite was Wally's Cafe on Mass. Ave because they had amazing jazz and a really diverse crowd. I also took classes at the Dance Complex in Cambridge (www.dancecomplex.org) and met a beautiful Brazilian man who was teaching Capoeira there. ('Scuse me while I daydream about that lovely time in my life for a minute. 'K..All done.) I am NOT a dancer but since my goal was to meet men, I had to get out of my comfort zone.

I think you're going about it the right way but I understand (believe me I understand) how frustrating it can be. I wouldn't give on things like speed dating and sweetongeeks (though I find match.com to be a waste of both time and money.)

Also, don't forget that with so many towns nearby, you might find someone while having a great time on a weekend trip to say Providence or Burlington. Also, if you like the rugged types, you might try hanging out at the Timberland Factory Outlet store in Stratham, New Hampshire. It's a reach but hey..it's worth a shot.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:23 AM on February 26

Though I'm not in your area, I live in a similar one. I am formerly in your target group.

Many guys my age socialize around sports activities. Whether volleyball, cycling rides, soccer, running clubs, hiking, these groups have all had large numbers of unattached guys in their 30s and 40s. Volleyball at the local Y, in particular, was like a singles scene.

These sorts of things are usually pretty informal; ask the guys around the office if they play in a pickup league or are part of an outdoors club. Ask if it's coed. My experience with these groups is that they tend to be very welcoming to women, even if there aren't a lot who participate regularly. Since these games or excursions are for fun, the atmosphere is usually laid back and non-completetive.
posted by bonehead at 9:24 AM on February 26

Its a while since I was a single (male) in Boston but when I was there I liked to hang out at Boston Community Boating.
posted by rongorongo at 9:25 AM on February 26

sorry..that should say "not give up on." I think I was still with the Brazilian for a moment.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 9:25 AM on February 26

I do much better where we'll all interested in doing the same activity, laughing and chatting about it.

Then Single Volunteers of Boston is right up your alley. I went to a bunch of events in the DC area a few years ago, and met lots of nice folks. Yeah, it's a dating setup, but there's also always an activity to do, and to laugh and chat about. It was perfect for me, and may be so for you!
posted by MrMoonPie at 9:38 AM on February 26

Boston is tough. I moved to Maine and the people are much friendlier here. It's palpable. It's not a joke. I'm sure I'm friendler too. I had a really hard time dating there. I have a hard time dating here too, but somehow it's not as weird as it was in Boston.

Anyway, the thing I would recomend is social dancing. Tango, salsa, swing, anything like that. It's great fun, you are tied to a guy for at least a dance and you learn something. Oh yeah, contradancing. It's super fun, very easy and the people tend to be chill and friendly. Each kind of dancing has its own personality so I'd see what interests you and go for it.

Good luck!
posted by sully75 at 9:57 AM on February 26

Join one of the dance/theater/random-interest groups at MIT.
posted by zippy at 9:58 AM on February 26

More insights into what gets nerdy single men out of the house:

The one thing that I go out and do every wednesday night, is that I'm involved in live bar trivia (I write the questions and do the scorekeeping). I like this because: 1.) its nerdy , 2.) I'm still in my comfort zone (beer in one hand, laptop in the other), and 3.) it gets me out into the social scene more or less on my terms.

If they existed in my city... you would 100% find me going to check out anything that was nerdy and interactive. Things like a Makers Faire, or impromptu movie night in an old abandoned building, or nighttime exploring underground/abandoned places. Give me something interactive/crafty to do that isnt needlepoint or scrapbooking. (You'd think bars would totally capitalize on the growing population of nerds and have some kind of "nerds night" (not sure what that would entail, but if I owned a bar, we'd have one.) )

There used to be this really cool chat program called "Trepia" that would list other users in your contact list based on how close they were physically to you. It died out for some reason or another ("OMG, its coming from INSIDE THE COFFEE SHOP!@!!")... but I thought on principle it was a great idea. I met several people through that program and still talk to them today.

Ok.. enough rambling. sorry :)
posted by jmnugent at 9:58 AM on February 26

(You'd think bars would totally capitalize on the growing population of nerds and have some kind of "nerds night" (not sure what that would entail, but if I owned a bar, we'd have one.) )

That's either Team Trivia night or Guitar Hero night. The former you can find in spades here in Boston. It was one of the places my now wife and I would go during our courtship. If you start hitting up a certain location/night for Trivia a lot, the other regulars will take notice and start to talk to you. Or you could ask around if a team needs an extra player.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 10:14 AM on February 26

non-intentional-threadjack-filter

robocop is bleeding:
"That's either Team Trivia night or Guitar Hero night."

Perhaps I'm in the wrong city then, because all of the bars around here seem to live by the mantra of : 1.) How many people can we pack in the smallest space (for profit reasons) and 2.) How loud can we turn up the music so no one can hear anything.

I wish bars would design their floors a little more "optimally" ( tables or reclining areas nestled in alcoves/nooks,etc) so that people werent packed in like cattle. I mean, if you want people to stay a while and drink (profit!!), why not make them comfortable ?

Between those design failures, and having to fight my way through crowds of people whose only goal is to get fall down drunk----its no wonder I choose to stay at home and hang out on the internets.

non-intentional-threadjack - end
posted by jmnugent at 10:22 AM on February 26

Nerdnite is a blast. It may skew a bit younger now, but my prior experiences there were fairly diverse, age-wise.

You might also check the community boards at the Diesel Cafe or the 1369.
posted by mykescipark at 10:24 AM on February 26 [2 favorites]

Also, check out the community at Davis Square. They just had a board game night at Bolocco, a meet-up at the Burren - happenin' stuff!

Having been in your target demographic, I sympathize. I know that I definitely found it much more difficult to meet people after a certain point - in the end, it was my social groups that saved me. Just put yourself out there, doing things you like to do, in groups that have the possibility of including singles and men.
posted by canine epigram at 10:39 AM on February 26

Please don't flame me for trying to micromanage the situtation or being too snobby.


"being snobby" is different than finding oneself in need to readjust one's standards -- you say that you (emphasis mine) have "spent years looking for people--and succeeded a few times": it means that if you've met a reasonable amount of men, your standards might not be conductive to a successful result.

you admit that you're tired of being alone, and that your current way of doing things isn't working. trying something else means, among other things, taking a frank look at your standards when you're evaluating people -- would the same standards, applied by a man to you, eliminate you, for example?

I hope I've been diplomatic enough, and good luck.
posted by matteo at 10:43 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I dont think its because I'm overly picky or snobby, I've just gotten to that age where I know exactly the types of qualities I'm looking for and just havent found it yet

I learned through my late-30s online dating experiences that these are in fact the same thing.
posted by rhizome at 10:45 AM on February 26

rhizome:
"I learned through my late-30s online dating experiences that these are in fact the same thing." (picky/snobby AND "just havent exactly what I'm looking for")

Kudos to you (seriously) for making me sit back for a moment and reflect upon my behaviors and standards.

But, I mean, when you get to the bottom of it..... thats really the question, isnt it?.... Are we willing to "settle", or should we hold out (knowing we may never find "it"). There are all kinds of things I can "settle for" in life (dont need the most expensive set of dishes, or designer jeans, I can make do with simple furniture and average closet)... but should relationships be one of those things?.

I'm really not that picky/snobby. I'll hang out or go out with just about anyone once. And for the record, I have had girlfriends, and moments where I met someone new and the "magic" was entirely ON. So I know that its possible, it just seems frustratingly rare (perhaps, as it probably should be, or you wouldn't appreciate it as much)

I hope I didnt come off as a complainer/whiner in my previous comments. I just identify with what the OP's experiences are, and was hoping to shed some light on the mindset of the single nerdy guy (atleast from my view) in hopes that might assist her search. Hopefully even if I'm way off the mark, atleast she may feel some solace that she's not alone in feeling what she is feeling.
posted by jmnugent at 11:08 AM on February 26

I'm a shy, nerdy, single male in his mid-30's living in the Boston area, and in my experience, people here just seem unapproachable, or the methods, aside from serendipity, just suck, ESPECIALLY for the shy type. Online dating is borked because you never know if the person is representing themselves correctly (I've been bitten by that one) and the singles groups tend to be overly competitive.

To be honest, I think some of us single men are apprehensive of women who know -exactly- what they want for fear of being seen as good base material that needs molding. (I've been bitten by that one, too).
posted by Cat Pie Hurts at 11:15 AM on February 26

This isn't Boston specific or anything - but, throw a party! Invite a ton of people over (20+) let them know they're welcome to bring people, especially single nerd-dudes. Talk to every person that comes - you're the host. Alcohol/etc helps. Next, date people that aren't your "type". Maybe you don't know what you want as much as you think you do. Just a thought - good luck!

(ps. I'm married and met my SO at a party)
posted by Craig at 11:25 AM on February 26

There are all kinds of things I can "settle for" in life (dont need the most expensive set of dishes, or designer jeans, I can make do with simple furniture and average closet)... but should relationships be one of those things?.

I think the question is - what does settling mean, in this context? If we're talking about "settling" for a relationship that ultimately doesn't gel with where Mel is in her in life, then no, she shouldn't do that.

However. I was reading an interesting article on The WSJ of all places, about people who steal other people's profiles, and it had an interesting observation - one woman found someone had stolen her profile, and as she read it, she realized that her profile read like a rigid list, and she really didn't like what that revealed about her approach. So she changed it, and had more luck.

Now, I'm not saying that the OP is doing this, but online, it can be super-easy to turn dating into a game of "do you match my checklist?" which can be really limiting. I'm thinking back to the OP's earlier post on the subject and thinking that it's good to periodically examine one's criteria, aiming for basics like "honest, funny, dependable, educated," versus specifics like "must like long-haired cats, must wear black T-shirts, and only drink manly-drinks." Those are just trappings.
posted by canine epigram at 11:59 AM on February 26 [1 favorite]

I think that part of it depends on how *exact* your standards are. If they're a few general things, such as "doesn't cringe at the mention of kids, doesn't hate his mother, doesn't slap my ass upon greeting" then it would be settling to go for someone who doesn't hit your standards.

If the standards are "Where's X brand of designer glasses for his 20/80 eye sight, is between 30 years, 2 months and 30 years 3 months, has blue-blue-green (*not* blue-green or blue-green-green) eyes, has read 5 discworld books, no more no less, ... " ... well, I'll assume that you see where I'm going with that.

Ms. nobeagle and I were friends before lovers. When we first met, I think I likely would not have gone past the first date because of some of my standards at the time. However, I don't in any way now feel that I've settled with her - I've simply redone my standards - some were added, and some subtracted, since then. She's geeky, caring, realistic, and great at viewing life situations in a different perspective that nicely complements mine. And I'm so lucky to be with her.

One last note about other people finding their spouses in non-reproducible ways - I've met a number of girlfriends via dating sites (I.E. reproducible) - but only girlfriends. I met Ms. nobeagle in a non-reproducible way. Both of us were out of our routine, and perhaps that's part of what cemented our emotions? Maybe you need to get out of your routines a bit and go for enjoyment or madness and eventually something non-reproducible happens.
posted by nobeagle at 12:15 PM on February 26 [3 favorites]

You know, I have some friends, a married couple, who just moved to Boston (from DC). They were back in DC this past weekend, and we went out for drinks. The one thing they said that's different about Boston is that it's been really hard to break into any social circles. Now, maybe it's DC that's unique--lots of transients here, so we do tend to try to get out and meet folks, I think. But these friends are nice folks, outgoing, good jobs, all that, and the one thing they pointed out was that it's difficult to meet people--no comments about the weather, or traffic, or, you know, crime or anything, just that it's really different, socially, from DC. So maybe it's not just you.
posted by MrMoonPie at 4:10 PM on February 26

If they've also only been there a short time, that might be more of the problem. Boston also has a huge academic population that's constantly in flux.

When I moved to Chicago for a few years, I also found it pretty difficult to meet people - but then again, in my experience, it takes at least a year to really start settling in anywhere, let alone having a social life. While I'm quite sure Boston is different, socially, from D.C. I really don't think the problem's endemic to Boston.
posted by canine epigram at 4:34 PM on February 26