How can my girlfriend reduce her anxiety so I can go out socially?

February 18, 2008 2:04 PM

For the past few months my girlfriend has felt very anxious when I have discussed going to out any social event with my friends, so I have been staying at home which makes her feel guilty but has been the only way she could cope. She wants to get better but doesn't know any skills or techniques for reducing anxiety that would help her, and her feelings of guilt only make things harder. Of course there's deep background inside.

I have a question for anxiety sufferers out there especially those who feel able to cope to some degree. It’s for my girlfriend but is not specifically social anxiety I don’t think but I feel it’s related. But I feel I can post here as she and I both suffer from social anxiety.

This is somewhat difficult to explain but I will try to give you some background information on her mental health problems and what has been happening to her at the moment. At the moment and for quite a long time my girlfriend has been having problems with anticipatory anxiety (acute anxiety before an event – which is very difficult to stop thinking about) made worse by feelings of guilt to do with letting people down. She feels incredibly guilty about letting me down when I make arrangements in advance to go out. She feels worse as I have social anxiety too and she knows and feels how important it is for me to have a social life. I think this has been made much worse as she has been suffering anxiety problems and OCD since she was 19 or so – she’s 32 now. She lives with her mother and has felt a great amount of guilt of what she feels she has put her mother through – even though things have improved on that score apart from the usual ups and downs. However, her mother does not blame it is just the very difficult situation that causes her frustration at times.

She feels that these past problems to do with her mother are still causing her guilt even though they have for the most part for her mothere been resolved and this is what is causing her problem. She also suffers badly with M.E. which affects her anxiety too. My girlfriend now feels that she is letting me down when her anticipatory anxiety and feelings of guilt cause her to feel under a great deal of pressure and so then I don’t feel able to go out socially. I do not want to put her through this anxiety as it can start a couple of days before I’m planning to go out socially and because she tries so hard. She has tried on many occasions to do this but has never managed it for the past several months. Also because I can see this won’t work out trying it this way.

We have been talking about this over the last couple of days and it is only now we have fully worked out what the problem is. We have come up with an idea for the moment that might help – of telling her on the day of me going out. We think this will help but thought posting here might be an idea too. My girlfriend has had her medication – Mirtazapine increased very recently and is taking Seroxat and a small dose of valium as well. She is lucky to have an understanding and supportive psychiatrist. We were wondering if anyone had any experience of anticipatory anxiety or/and guilt and has found ways of dealing with this/coping mechanisms. Or if anyone has any similar experiences with this type of anxiety. Any websites or articles or organisations that might be helpful would be good too. Since my girlfriend is unable to have CBT due to her M.E and of course her problem making an appointment an organisation in the UK that has a support line would be greatly helpful Any replies or advice would be very welcome and greatly appreciated. Thank you very much for reading this :-)

posted by AuroraSky to health & fitness (12 comments total)

I'm not sure I can help, although as a fellow anxiety sufferer my heart is with you both. But since someone is going to ask anyway - what's ME? The only thing listed under medical conditions in Wikipedia is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome - is that what you mean?

I figure clearing that up might help someone answer your question(s).
posted by bettafish at 2:09 PM on February 18, 2008

Why does your going out trigger anxiety? Is it a fear of being alone? Something else? Free-floating anxiety with no reason attached? The reason for the anxiety might have something to do with ameliorating it.
posted by Crotalus at 2:27 PM on February 18, 2008

Yes, ME is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome
posted by Helga-woo at 3:16 PM on February 18, 2008

so I have been staying at home which makes her feel guilty but has been the only way she could cope.

Just to be completely accurate, that's not really true. Your decision to go out or not is not hers to make, it's yours, and she will have to react to your actions no matter what you do.

I realize that's not at all helpful as far as helping her to cope with these feelings, but without knowing what it is about your going out for a social event that is causing this anxiety I don't see how we can address what she can do. What you need to do, however, is recognize that at some point you cease to be able to be responsible for the reactions of others.

It's possible for you to accommodate this issue because you can stop going out, however unfair that is to you. What, however, if this fear grows into a terror of what might happen to you when you're at work? Will you stop working? Will you move into her mother's home if she becomes fearful of being separated from you for any amount of time?

I think it's pertinent to bring this up since it's a problem for both of you: her anxiety is (apparently) related to the actions of another person and entirely beyond her control. Maybe that's the underlying cause of the anxiety or it's just a side effect, but since your problem (feeling the need to stay home when she is anxious) is directly related to hers (your deciding to go out) it seems worth keeping in mind. At some point both of you have no choice but to confront this reality.
posted by phearlez at 3:46 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]

At the risk of sounding callous and harsh, I'd like to share an eye-openning personal experience. I felt a great deal of anxiety about my girlfriend of five years going out on her own to be with friends. We tried to understand why, but the reasons were hard to pin down. Perhaps they were loosely based on abandonment issues and past relationship experience. We sought counselling and were told that we were in a downward spiral of codependency and that we needed to separate as soon as possible, which we obviously took issue with, preferring to believe instead that with hope and love we could get over it.

But things only got worse. One night I jealously ridiculed her need to socialize, and she lost it and tried her best to provoke me to a fight by viciously beating on me. I called the police to avert a catastrophe, and she ended up in jail because of a mandatory arrest policy for domestic disturbance in my state, which I was previously unaware of. We spent the next half year trying to get the incident removed from her record, to no avail. We paid thousands of dollars to lawyers, she was subjected to the humiliation of being treated like a criminal, and she still has this bemished record hanging over her head.

This could be your fate if you don't leave a bad relationship before it's too late. My girlfriend left me, and it was the best thing that could have happened to me because it became my biggest regret and most significant motivation in my decision to really take on my issues. I didn't need counselling, I just needed to lose someone dear to me in order to muster the gumption to decide to take back control of my emotions and my life. This is trial by fire approach has been the most effective for me, and its the best thing you can do for her, hopefully before it becomes necessary.

People reach their potential to overcome emotional trauma especially well when they see that their unmitigated emotional pain is ruining their lives. It was through the humiliation of being dumped that I had to face my own limitations and become keenly aware of my mortality, realizing that my taking my life too seriously was inhibiting my enjoyment of life. Since life is finite for absolutely everyone, we're best to get over our self-pity and our pouting and choose joy at every juncture. Over half the world lives on $1/day and has no indoor plumbing. Anything we can find to complain about in the first world cannot possibly compare to the fact that commonplace illnesses like the flu are often a death-sentence in the developing world. So cheer up and let go. We're the luckiest people in the planet, and anyone who thinks otherwise is delusional.

Incidentally, there's no telling what the future holds - you might run into this girl again a few years down the line when she's better. For effect, it's better not to plant that hope in her head. Let her believe it's over. But it will make it easier for you to leave her if maintain the hope for your relationship to eventually flourish.

This is how I was healed, and I'm imminently greatful to my ex for leaving me, ironic as that sounds. I can still remember crying my eyes out on her shoulder when she announced it was really over. But that was the old me. She's my hero, now, and I'm no longer afraid of abandonment but actually am excited by the prospect of meeting all different people before I settle on the one I might actually want to spend my life with. I'm not just going to stay with the first girl who will take me, as was the case with her, and I'm not going to want to stifle the growth of the person I end up with. I expect freedom and expect to find someone with enough outside interests to demand freedom for themselves.
posted by tosteka at 3:54 PM on February 18, 2008 [4 favorites]

You say she has an understanding and supportive psychiatrist. What does he/she recommend?
posted by LeeJay at 4:45 PM on February 18, 2008

I also hate to be crude, but besides being understanding, you shouldn't have to adjust your life dramatically to keep her anxieties down. Force yourself to go out regardless of her anxieties... maybe ease into it a bit, but don't allow her anxieties t influence your life so much.
posted by Unsomnambulist at 5:15 PM on February 18, 2008

Speaking here as somebody with chronic fatigue syndrome, I'm not clear on how the ME is keeping her from cognitive-behavioral therapy. Is it the brain fog? Transportation and mobility problems? Not being able to count on being awake for appointments? I'm kind of flailing around here.

Certainly plenty of people with CFS/ME have had CBT and have gotten some degree of good out of it.
posted by sculpin at 7:14 PM on February 18, 2008

It seems like you do not live with your girlfriend and her mother. If that is indeed the case, can't you just go out socially without informing her at all? How closely is she keeping tabs on you? Do you have any freedom of movement? Your idea about only telling her the day of a social function seems to be an invitation for her to really freak out and cram all of her anxiety in a single day.

I think it is admirable that you are so supportive of your girlfriend, but it seems dangerous to prevent yourself from doing things which are key to your own mental health. I think that socializing with your friends falls into that category, particularly if you suffer from social anxiety. When you talk about "putting her through anxiety," it feels like you are taking on more of her problems than is necessary or wise. This is an issue that she needs to work through, and not really something that you can solve on her behalf. You mention that she has a psychiatrist that she seems to like, but that CBT isn't an option. Perhaps you could elaborate a little more on that, since this anxiety re: your social life would seem to be a top priority. Has she discusses this at all with her psychiatrist?
posted by that possible maker of pork sausages at 7:23 PM on February 18, 2008

I was going to ask the same question as sculpin, so thanks sculpin for suggesting some possible explanations.

If the chronic fatigue makes it difficult to do clinical therapy, don't be too quick to rule out CBT. The most effective treatment for anxiety disorders is a largely self-administered, simple use of CBT methods (fantastic, life changing book). Supervision/guidance from a knowledgeable therapist* can be helpful, but (a) is optional and (b) can be by phone or email as mutually convenient. I've been through a group program for anxiety & phobia sufferers, and witnessed how remarkably effective CBT is at resolving serious anxiety within just a couple months. The first couple of victories happen within a few weeks, and it feels great to get those under your belt, and start seeing that a less fearful life is really possible.

Anxiety CBT is self-paced, so she won't be doing anything she hasn't chosen to do, and nothing before she's ready for it. If you want, you could offer to do something like practicing relaxation exercises together, or accompanying her during some of the "exposure" exercises. In fact, she may find it helpful to work your supportive presence into her exposure heirarchy: going out in public with AuroraSky vs going out solo, etc. But your involvement too is strictly optional. It's really all between her and the two competing parts of her mind. One is instinctively screaming "danger! danger! protect!", drowning out the other that is trying to rationally assess each situation on its own merits. The CBT just teaches her how to tune in each in their turn, letting them do what they do best.

Note that every time her anticipatory anxiety is "solved" through avoiding the situation she fears, her brain is being fed reinforcement for the anxiety. We avoid what is dangerous; her brain accepts the avoidance and subsequent relaxation as evidence that horrible danger must have really been present. When you choose to stay home for her fears, your good intentions help perpetuate this distorted thinking that's been holding her back. If you're comfortable going out, seriously -- go out. Have a good time. Afterward, tell her what it was like. Be honest about the uncomfortable parts as well as the fun, and obviously try to avoid sound like you're just rubbbing the good parts in, but-- Be a source of accurate information about the actual "threat" level that exists in these social situations. Recognizing the gap between reality vs the catastrophic fantasies that the anxiety manufacturers is the critical skill she'll need to successfully challenge the thinking that holds her captive.

*The psychiatrist is good for prescribing medicines, and monitoring correct dosages. But s/he is unlikely to be the right person to supervise the CBT. Find a psychologist or other therapist who specializes in treatment of anxiety disorders.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 8:18 PM on February 18, 2008 [2 favorites]

Thanks for the replies so far. Just to answer everyone's questions, by ME I did mean Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She is tired and sleeps through most of the day, and gets very anxious whenever she has a fixed appointment to do something, so regular appointments for CBT aren't an option at the moment as she doesn't feel up to that. Reading a book or doing something online is viable, as would be phoning up a helpline on days she felt well.

To clarify, I DO live with my girlfriend and her mother, and I am not working at the moment but would like to when ready. I had to give up work when I could not function due to my bipolar (3 years ago). I do want to get back in work when my depression gets a little better, but I have the same problem in that my girlfriend can't cope with me going to appointments for my own CBT (available free as part of a government scheme to get disabled people back to work). So back-to-work things are sort of on hold at the moment until this anxiety problem gets resolved. We were hoping to try smaller things such as my occasionally socialising with a group (since it's not problem if I have to cancel as the rest of the group can still enjoy each other's company) before I start making CBT appointments as I would hate to cancel those.
posted by AuroraSky at 6:15 AM on February 19, 2008

I was going to follow up and say that CFS/ME folks - including people with CFS and anxiety (speaking from personal experience) - can definitely use CBT, but I see I've been beaten to it.

That said, AuroraSky, while I'm very sympathetic to your girlfriend for obvious reasons (see above), the situation you describe in your update is ridiculous and self-destructive. I admire your desire to help your girlfriend, seriously, but you must realize that you are allowing her to torpedo your physical and financial independence, to say nothing of your health. You need to get treatment so you can go back to work and get your life back on track.

While I'm sure you care about her very much, if it is at ALL possible, I would suggest you move out. Do you have family, or a friend with some extra space? Obviously you can't pay rent right now, but perhaps you could do chores. Getting a different space would allow you to see your therapist and get going on that.

To be honest, I'm not sure you can help yourself AND your girlfriend right now, but I bet not having the guilt of keeping you from treatment would help her a bit. She can start on the long distance CBT, and then perhaps she and her psychiatrist can talk about things from there. (Sorry, I'm not a medical professional.)
posted by bettafish at 5:41 PM on February 20, 2008