Subconscous Suicide
February 17, 2008 3:25 PM Subscribe
Am I subconsciously trying to kill myself?
Jeez, this is going to be hard to type. When i get in the moods where i ask myself "what if" on various topics, its hard to articulate what I am thinking into words. Most of the time its just an incoherent train of thought. The "what if" question right now...What if I am subconsciously trying to kill myself?
First and foremost, I dont want to kill myself. I have never had suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have been somewhat depressed for a little while but I can usually work through it. I was on Zoloft for about two months but I dont really like the idea of needing a medicine to take care of my problems. Now I dont want you to get the idea that I am depressed all the time, I'll be happy for a few days then something will happen and I'll start having anxiety attacks. For example, this is what happened today and has led me to my current state of mind.
Yesterday was a good day, I woke up this morning...having a good day. (after rereading this I see this as a perfect example of what I am talking about. My heart is pounding so fast. Ok deep breath) Feeling very happy. I went out to eat with my family and we were having a good time. Ok, this is where it is going to be really hard to try and explain all that had happened, because when I have my attacks there are a lot of factors that storm into my brain at the same time.
1. I never take pain medicine or any other kind of medicine for sickness cause I think it lowers my immunities and actually makes my body weaker.
2. I will occasionally take pain killers/xanax whatever as a recreational drug.
3. In the past week or so I have been in some physical pain because of various incidents and have chosen to take a few Aleve. 2 or 3 at a time.
4. At the dinner table I said, man I have taken more pain killers in the past few days than I have in my entire life.
5. Everyone kind of got quiet and looked at me, here's where I started to panic. They asked me how many I had been taking and what they were.
6. I started really freaking and thinking "was that weird to say? what if i am subconsciously trying to kill myself"
**another topic, not relating to the question, but to my thought process in general***
7. There is this blonde girl that is a friend of mine that likes me and she made if very apparent the other night when she was drunk. I do not think she is attractive and do not see her in that way.
8. After I started freaking out in my brain at the table, my best friend started talking about blonde girls.
9. I start to think "is he trying to tell me I should hook up with this chick?" and i start getting very nervous because I think he is expecting me to do something with her when I dont want to.
It seems to me that I think too much about subconscious intentions and try to assume what other people's intentions are as well....
Anyways, if this post made any sense, which I am hoping it did, I have two questions.
A. Could i subconsciously be trying to commit suicide, even though I don't think I want to die? Even typing this makes me think "of course you want to die, you're typing this arent you?" which makes me feel really weird cause I am terrified of death and am for the most part happy and would never try to kill myself intentionally. But what if I subconsciously do it? That makes me scared of myself.
B. Why do I always worry about the subconscious? Does this whole dang post sound weird to anyone else?
After rereading this post to make sure everything sounded coherrent I found this. "Yesterday was a good day, I woke up this morning...having a good day." after rereading this I see it as a perfect example of what I am talking about. My heart is pounding so fast. Ok deep breath, let me try to explain. Did I mean this as: yesterday was a good day and today i woke up (take a second for comtemplation) to another good day. Or as: yesterday was a good day so I woke up this morning. When first typing it i think i meant it the first way, but rereading it it could mean something else with the dot dot dots. So what if my subconscious threw that in there? Bah. This is so weird on my brain.
Ok thats it, I hope this isnt too confusing to you. Cause it is damn confusing to me heh.
Jeez, this is going to be hard to type. When i get in the moods where i ask myself "what if" on various topics, its hard to articulate what I am thinking into words. Most of the time its just an incoherent train of thought. The "what if" question right now...What if I am subconsciously trying to kill myself?
First and foremost, I dont want to kill myself. I have never had suicidal thoughts. Yes, I have been somewhat depressed for a little while but I can usually work through it. I was on Zoloft for about two months but I dont really like the idea of needing a medicine to take care of my problems. Now I dont want you to get the idea that I am depressed all the time, I'll be happy for a few days then something will happen and I'll start having anxiety attacks. For example, this is what happened today and has led me to my current state of mind.
Yesterday was a good day, I woke up this morning...having a good day. (after rereading this I see this as a perfect example of what I am talking about. My heart is pounding so fast. Ok deep breath) Feeling very happy. I went out to eat with my family and we were having a good time. Ok, this is where it is going to be really hard to try and explain all that had happened, because when I have my attacks there are a lot of factors that storm into my brain at the same time.
1. I never take pain medicine or any other kind of medicine for sickness cause I think it lowers my immunities and actually makes my body weaker.
2. I will occasionally take pain killers/xanax whatever as a recreational drug.
3. In the past week or so I have been in some physical pain because of various incidents and have chosen to take a few Aleve. 2 or 3 at a time.
4. At the dinner table I said, man I have taken more pain killers in the past few days than I have in my entire life.
5. Everyone kind of got quiet and looked at me, here's where I started to panic. They asked me how many I had been taking and what they were.
6. I started really freaking and thinking "was that weird to say? what if i am subconsciously trying to kill myself"
**another topic, not relating to the question, but to my thought process in general***
7. There is this blonde girl that is a friend of mine that likes me and she made if very apparent the other night when she was drunk. I do not think she is attractive and do not see her in that way.
8. After I started freaking out in my brain at the table, my best friend started talking about blonde girls.
9. I start to think "is he trying to tell me I should hook up with this chick?" and i start getting very nervous because I think he is expecting me to do something with her when I dont want to.
It seems to me that I think too much about subconscious intentions and try to assume what other people's intentions are as well....
Anyways, if this post made any sense, which I am hoping it did, I have two questions.
A. Could i subconsciously be trying to commit suicide, even though I don't think I want to die? Even typing this makes me think "of course you want to die, you're typing this arent you?" which makes me feel really weird cause I am terrified of death and am for the most part happy and would never try to kill myself intentionally. But what if I subconsciously do it? That makes me scared of myself.
B. Why do I always worry about the subconscious? Does this whole dang post sound weird to anyone else?
After rereading this post to make sure everything sounded coherrent I found this. "Yesterday was a good day, I woke up this morning...having a good day." after rereading this I see it as a perfect example of what I am talking about. My heart is pounding so fast. Ok deep breath, let me try to explain. Did I mean this as: yesterday was a good day and today i woke up (take a second for comtemplation) to another good day. Or as: yesterday was a good day so I woke up this morning. When first typing it i think i meant it the first way, but rereading it it could mean something else with the dot dot dots. So what if my subconscious threw that in there? Bah. This is so weird on my brain.
Ok thats it, I hope this isnt too confusing to you. Cause it is damn confusing to me heh.
Oh my goodness. You sound paranoid. (This is not intended as an insult, just a statement of fact.)
Despite your confusing attitudes about medications (taking an antidepressant does not reduce your immunity to depression, since there is no manner of being immune to depression) I strongly suggest you should go back to the doctor who prescribed you Zoloft and discuss what you're experiencing, essentially what you posted here, and ask his or her advice on treatment. CBT in particular is very helpful for thought spirals like this. In any case, talk to a professional. Life is 1000x harder than it should be when you're working so hard thinking all this superfluous stuff.
posted by loiseau at 3:31 PM on February 17, 2008
Despite your confusing attitudes about medications (taking an antidepressant does not reduce your immunity to depression, since there is no manner of being immune to depression) I strongly suggest you should go back to the doctor who prescribed you Zoloft and discuss what you're experiencing, essentially what you posted here, and ask his or her advice on treatment. CBT in particular is very helpful for thought spirals like this. In any case, talk to a professional. Life is 1000x harder than it should be when you're working so hard thinking all this superfluous stuff.
posted by loiseau at 3:31 PM on February 17, 2008
I think your anxiety is running rampant. I don't think you want to die, subconsciously or not. By the way you've written your question, it sounds like you're panicking right now. Keep up the deep breathing, and focus on trying to stay calm. I think you need to learn about relaxation techniques, and maybe talk to your doctor about anti-anxiety medications. I know you're reluctant to take them, but sometimes they really can help. Good luck.
posted by indienial at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by indienial at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2008
7. There is this blonde girl that is a friend of mine that likes me and she made if very apparent the other night when she was drunk. I do not think she is attractive and do not see her in that way.
8. After I started freaking out in my brain at the table, my best friend started talking about blonde girls.
9. I start to think "is he trying to tell me I should hook up with this chick?" and i start getting very nervous because I think he is expecting me to do something with her when I dont want to.
This is coincidence.
I think you are having a ton of anxiety. I used to be afraid that I was going to be shot on the Interstate. Some people might interpret that fear as wanting to die. No. I was anxious. Probably with a touch of OCD. I am not a doctor or therapist or any sort of mental health professional but it seems you are suffering from anxiety. Maybe you are having panic attacks. My advice would to see a professional. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2008
8. After I started freaking out in my brain at the table, my best friend started talking about blonde girls.
9. I start to think "is he trying to tell me I should hook up with this chick?" and i start getting very nervous because I think he is expecting me to do something with her when I dont want to.
This is coincidence.
I think you are having a ton of anxiety. I used to be afraid that I was going to be shot on the Interstate. Some people might interpret that fear as wanting to die. No. I was anxious. Probably with a touch of OCD. I am not a doctor or therapist or any sort of mental health professional but it seems you are suffering from anxiety. Maybe you are having panic attacks. My advice would to see a professional. Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 3:33 PM on February 17, 2008
Actually, I think the best thing you could do RIGHT NOW would be to call a friend or family. It sounds like they are supportive and really care about you. Just pick up the phone and have a chat to someone.
posted by indienial at 3:35 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by indienial at 3:35 PM on February 17, 2008
If you're suspicious of your own intentions toward yourself, anonymous strangers on the internet are not going to be of much help.
Keep taking deep breaths and thinking things through as calmly as possible.
Call someone you trust and try to explain what's happening with you.
Have them help you get help.
Good luck and take care of yourself. This confusion will pass.
posted by felix betachat at 3:39 PM on February 17, 2008
Keep taking deep breaths and thinking things through as calmly as possible.
Call someone you trust and try to explain what's happening with you.
Have them help you get help.
Good luck and take care of yourself. This confusion will pass.
posted by felix betachat at 3:39 PM on February 17, 2008
I agree that you should call someone. I have been struggling with anxiety as well, and calling someone helps a lot. Just be sure to call someone who will listen thoughtfully, not someone who will freak out because you are freaking out.
posted by sweetkid at 3:40 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by sweetkid at 3:40 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: "(taking an antidepressant does not reduce your immunity to depression, since there is no manner of being immune to depression)"
I understand this, I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own, and its so damn hard admitting you've got brain problems.
When i talk about reducing immunity, I only mean things such as cough medicine, tylenol, penicilin, etc..
Another thing that keeps me from going to the doctor is that these "thought spirals" (I like that phrase for them) do not happen all the time but certain things people say or do will set them off randomly.
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:41 PM on February 17, 2008
I understand this, I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own, and its so damn hard admitting you've got brain problems.
When i talk about reducing immunity, I only mean things such as cough medicine, tylenol, penicilin, etc..
Another thing that keeps me from going to the doctor is that these "thought spirals" (I like that phrase for them) do not happen all the time but certain things people say or do will set them off randomly.
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:41 PM on February 17, 2008
A lot of people rarely take painkillers and cough medicines, etc. I haven't taken them in more than a year, and I certainly don't have a subconscious death wish. That is an entirely different matter than anti-depressants (which you DO need to speak to your doctor about).
If you can't talk to your doctor, ask your friends if they know any good ones. Keep trying. If you get really anxious, you may even want to take a friend to the doctor's with you. "Thought spirals" are a classic sign of anxiety, and it IS treatable.
Please, pick up the phone and call someone.
posted by indienial at 3:46 PM on February 17, 2008
If you can't talk to your doctor, ask your friends if they know any good ones. Keep trying. If you get really anxious, you may even want to take a friend to the doctor's with you. "Thought spirals" are a classic sign of anxiety, and it IS treatable.
Please, pick up the phone and call someone.
posted by indienial at 3:46 PM on February 17, 2008
Youre very anxious thats for sure.
Your friends and family probably asked you what pills you are taking because its somewhat of an odd thing to say and if they know you have a history of recreational drug use, then it can be interpreted as a cry for help. I'd lay off ALL recreational drug use. This is especially important for those who suffer from any mental illness.
Unconscious motives that make you do things and make you say things are Hollywood fictions. Real life mental issues/illness don't work out that way. So, do some abdominal breathing, relax, try to calm your worries and speak to the doctor who is prescribing you this Zoloft. It may be that you need to get back on these meds.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:46 PM on February 17, 2008
Your friends and family probably asked you what pills you are taking because its somewhat of an odd thing to say and if they know you have a history of recreational drug use, then it can be interpreted as a cry for help. I'd lay off ALL recreational drug use. This is especially important for those who suffer from any mental illness.
Unconscious motives that make you do things and make you say things are Hollywood fictions. Real life mental issues/illness don't work out that way. So, do some abdominal breathing, relax, try to calm your worries and speak to the doctor who is prescribing you this Zoloft. It may be that you need to get back on these meds.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:46 PM on February 17, 2008
I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own, and its so damn hard admitting you've got brain problems.
Maintaining this attitude is counter-productive and just plain stupid. You wouldnt tell a diabetic to "work it out" would you? I think you need to accept the possibility of mental illness in your life and adjust your expectations for that. If you cannot then you should also be mindful of the fact that people who go on anti-depressants dont usually go on for life, but along with therapy begin to learn how to function without depression and anxiety. They slowly taper off the drugs and function well without them. You can't get to that point if you arbitrarily decide that you're better off doing it on your own. Also, there are many therapists you do not use drugs, so you always have that option.
Just reading your post makes me feel like you are a strong candidate for mental illness. Its rambling, mostly pointless, and largely paranoid.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:50 PM on February 17, 2008
Maintaining this attitude is counter-productive and just plain stupid. You wouldnt tell a diabetic to "work it out" would you? I think you need to accept the possibility of mental illness in your life and adjust your expectations for that. If you cannot then you should also be mindful of the fact that people who go on anti-depressants dont usually go on for life, but along with therapy begin to learn how to function without depression and anxiety. They slowly taper off the drugs and function well without them. You can't get to that point if you arbitrarily decide that you're better off doing it on your own. Also, there are many therapists you do not use drugs, so you always have that option.
Just reading your post makes me feel like you are a strong candidate for mental illness. Its rambling, mostly pointless, and largely paranoid.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:50 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: I suppose I could talk to a friend or a family member about this...they do care about me. I know they do, and I care about them. Which is why I dont want them to know that I have problems, cause then my problems would become their problems.
As weird as it may sound, "talking to strangers on the internet" does in fact help. Usually when these things happen I will just look up my problem on the internet or metafilter and read what other people have to say about it. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. I'm not sure my friends/family could understand what I go through when I have these attacks.
Already the thoughts of my subconscious trying to kill me are drifting away and i'm beginning to think of how ridiculous this whole post was. But the fact is, these high anxiety attacks or thought spirals or whatever they are, do happen and something needs to be done about them.
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:50 PM on February 17, 2008
As weird as it may sound, "talking to strangers on the internet" does in fact help. Usually when these things happen I will just look up my problem on the internet or metafilter and read what other people have to say about it. It makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone. I'm not sure my friends/family could understand what I go through when I have these attacks.
Already the thoughts of my subconscious trying to kill me are drifting away and i'm beginning to think of how ridiculous this whole post was. But the fact is, these high anxiety attacks or thought spirals or whatever they are, do happen and something needs to be done about them.
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:50 PM on February 17, 2008
This is, at the very least, an unusual thought pattern to be in. It sounds sort of like how I remember adolescence feeling.
I concur with everyone's statement: go speak to a professional. They can't "fix" it, but an objective and professionally trained opinion would help you to determine what (if anything) you should be taking seriously about this.
Secondly, you sound like you're on overdrive. Do you have a meditative practice (be it Zen, a sport, running, etc.) that instills some quiet into your life?
posted by ellF at 3:51 PM on February 17, 2008
I concur with everyone's statement: go speak to a professional. They can't "fix" it, but an objective and professionally trained opinion would help you to determine what (if anything) you should be taking seriously about this.
Secondly, you sound like you're on overdrive. Do you have a meditative practice (be it Zen, a sport, running, etc.) that instills some quiet into your life?
posted by ellF at 3:51 PM on February 17, 2008
Also, your 'thought spirals' sound like classic panic attacks to me. Time to really start talking to a pro.
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:52 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by damn dirty ape at 3:52 PM on February 17, 2008
I do think you're having some anxiety problems. I've been there myself and can relate to your thought processes.
But I disagree with some of the other posters that you are in some sort of actute crisis.
I think you're pretty standard for an already self-conscious person dealing with anxiety. I don't think you're coming undone. You might want to rethink your prohibition on drugs - there are some great products out there that are much less scary than zoloft. Lexapro comes to mind.
Good luck.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:59 PM on February 17, 2008
But I disagree with some of the other posters that you are in some sort of actute crisis.
I think you're pretty standard for an already self-conscious person dealing with anxiety. I don't think you're coming undone. You might want to rethink your prohibition on drugs - there are some great products out there that are much less scary than zoloft. Lexapro comes to mind.
Good luck.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 3:59 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: "Secondly, you sound like you're on overdrive. Do you have a meditative practice (be it Zen, a sport, running, etc.) that instills some quiet into your life?"
Hmm...no not really. I wish I did though, but there are constantly people over here at my apartment. Im in college and have a lot of friends, ive been here for six years and every year my place has been the get together zone. There is never nobody around, no time to myself. I am always hearing people talking through the walls or in the living room. What is a good meditative practice?
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:59 PM on February 17, 2008
Hmm...no not really. I wish I did though, but there are constantly people over here at my apartment. Im in college and have a lot of friends, ive been here for six years and every year my place has been the get together zone. There is never nobody around, no time to myself. I am always hearing people talking through the walls or in the living room. What is a good meditative practice?
posted by thefamousmoe at 3:59 PM on February 17, 2008
Yeah, I think you should be talking to a pro on this too.
I know this is scary but I also think that no, you are not trying to subconsciously kill yourself. You ARE however having trouble with really obsessive thoughts and such.
I loved zoloft but after awhile of being on it it triggered panic attacks in me...which led to a diagnosis of bipolar type two. I am not telling you you have that-not telling you you have anything-but it is important for you to be screened to make sure you are okay.
You might also want to find a trusted friend to talk to and ask them to evaluate how you have been doing lately from their perspective-and if workable, take such a friend with you when you go to a doc.
posted by konolia at 4:00 PM on February 17, 2008
I know this is scary but I also think that no, you are not trying to subconsciously kill yourself. You ARE however having trouble with really obsessive thoughts and such.
I loved zoloft but after awhile of being on it it triggered panic attacks in me...which led to a diagnosis of bipolar type two. I am not telling you you have that-not telling you you have anything-but it is important for you to be screened to make sure you are okay.
You might also want to find a trusted friend to talk to and ask them to evaluate how you have been doing lately from their perspective-and if workable, take such a friend with you when you go to a doc.
posted by konolia at 4:00 PM on February 17, 2008
It sounds to me like you have a bit of OCD. I too suffer from this. OCD does not always mean that you have to do things repeatedly (touch the tv 5 times or count to 10 over and over)
My case was a little like yours, I would have a flash on a thought and could not stop obsessing about it no matter what. A lot of my thoughts were that my actions would negatively affect the health of my loved ones. (if I did something that I considered "bad" then maybe they would pay the price)
I too have thoughts that are scary (when im coming to a stop at an intersection a thought flashes into my mind "what if i just kept going?) I just recognize that these are not rational thoughts and now I get kinda amused when they happen. Like, I should write a book... I would have plenty of quarks for my character.
I don't think that taking 2 or 3 Alieve at a time (if thats all you were taking) would constitute trying to kill yourself.
I have already shared waaay more of my personal story than I intended.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:02 PM on February 17, 2008
My case was a little like yours, I would have a flash on a thought and could not stop obsessing about it no matter what. A lot of my thoughts were that my actions would negatively affect the health of my loved ones. (if I did something that I considered "bad" then maybe they would pay the price)
I too have thoughts that are scary (when im coming to a stop at an intersection a thought flashes into my mind "what if i just kept going?) I just recognize that these are not rational thoughts and now I get kinda amused when they happen. Like, I should write a book... I would have plenty of quarks for my character.
I don't think that taking 2 or 3 Alieve at a time (if thats all you were taking) would constitute trying to kill yourself.
I have already shared waaay more of my personal story than I intended.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:02 PM on February 17, 2008
Been there (still am to some degree). Done that. I totally know what your going through.
Several issues to touch on here.
1.) The panic attacks (and what i call "racing brain" that wont slowdown/shut off)
The best advice I can give you here is something (anything) that works for you that is similar to "meditation". That may be just stopping and closing your eyes and breathing for a minute (no matter WHERE you are, well, except driving :).... It may be taking a break from whatever it is you are doing and going for a walk or just getting away for a moment. When your brain is overloaded , it needs LESS INPUT. so chill/calm the fark down and give your brain some breathing room. Meditation is great for this because it is "exercise for the brain". The more you practice emptying your thoughts, and recognizing thoughts for what they are, the stronger your brain will be at adapting and handling "overload".
2.) The mood swings and depression
Personally for me.. the best things were adjusting my environment and food. 1.) I moved to a new apartment. When I moved, I threw away EVERYTHING. Yes, I do mean everything. I think I ended up moving my bed and about 10 boxes of stuff. My new apartment is very "minimal". No furniture, no TV, no distractions. I'm slowly decorating it with "minimal" relaxing things like some nice art and a meditation corner. As for food, I am trying to clean up my diet, eat less junk/soda and more healthy food. Its a wonder how much that effects how I physically feel. Also, I want to add. DONT BE A HERMIT. Get out and interact with people. Sure, its exhausting sometimes, but its good human stuff. If the coworkers or friends you have just make you more stressed, then find new ones.
3.) About the quasi-suicidal thoughts.
Personally, I dont get the vibe you want to kill yourself (intentionally or otherwise), just sounds like you're depressed, and probably just need to make some life changes to get back to being more "balanced". I've been nearly dead (accidentally) and very close to suicide several times over the past 5 years and those experiences really enlightened me and changed my views on death. Although I dont recommend it, I made it through all of that without any prescribed drugs or help from anyone. (some would say that was risky and terribly stupid, but I'm proud to still be here, and a much stronger individual now because of overcoming those struggles on my own). Personally, I think modern america is over-medicated and uses prescription pills as a crutch because nobody wants to put the actual hard work into getting to the root of the problems affecting their lives.
4.) On "coincidences" (like you mentioned with the blonde)
Personally, I dont believe in "coincidences". Its to long of a story to describe here, but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and in the concept of a shared global mind. What does that mean?... that means that i believe there are patterns and rhythms in life that most people are oblivious to, but you can see if you pay attention and keep your senses open. Of course, this is a double-edged sword. You cant go around being all paranoid and trying to constantly extract meaning out of a bunch of seemingly random events. What I mean to say is that you may not learn the meaning/point of certain events right way, you have to have the discipline and patience to relax and believe that the reason for things will unveil themselves at the appropriate time. Does that make sense ?
email in profile if you feel like you need someone to "vent" to .. :P
posted by jmnugent at 4:04 PM on February 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
Several issues to touch on here.
1.) The panic attacks (and what i call "racing brain" that wont slowdown/shut off)
The best advice I can give you here is something (anything) that works for you that is similar to "meditation". That may be just stopping and closing your eyes and breathing for a minute (no matter WHERE you are, well, except driving :).... It may be taking a break from whatever it is you are doing and going for a walk or just getting away for a moment. When your brain is overloaded , it needs LESS INPUT. so chill/calm the fark down and give your brain some breathing room. Meditation is great for this because it is "exercise for the brain". The more you practice emptying your thoughts, and recognizing thoughts for what they are, the stronger your brain will be at adapting and handling "overload".
2.) The mood swings and depression
Personally for me.. the best things were adjusting my environment and food. 1.) I moved to a new apartment. When I moved, I threw away EVERYTHING. Yes, I do mean everything. I think I ended up moving my bed and about 10 boxes of stuff. My new apartment is very "minimal". No furniture, no TV, no distractions. I'm slowly decorating it with "minimal" relaxing things like some nice art and a meditation corner. As for food, I am trying to clean up my diet, eat less junk/soda and more healthy food. Its a wonder how much that effects how I physically feel. Also, I want to add. DONT BE A HERMIT. Get out and interact with people. Sure, its exhausting sometimes, but its good human stuff. If the coworkers or friends you have just make you more stressed, then find new ones.
3.) About the quasi-suicidal thoughts.
Personally, I dont get the vibe you want to kill yourself (intentionally or otherwise), just sounds like you're depressed, and probably just need to make some life changes to get back to being more "balanced". I've been nearly dead (accidentally) and very close to suicide several times over the past 5 years and those experiences really enlightened me and changed my views on death. Although I dont recommend it, I made it through all of that without any prescribed drugs or help from anyone. (some would say that was risky and terribly stupid, but I'm proud to still be here, and a much stronger individual now because of overcoming those struggles on my own). Personally, I think modern america is over-medicated and uses prescription pills as a crutch because nobody wants to put the actual hard work into getting to the root of the problems affecting their lives.
4.) On "coincidences" (like you mentioned with the blonde)
Personally, I dont believe in "coincidences". Its to long of a story to describe here, but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and in the concept of a shared global mind. What does that mean?... that means that i believe there are patterns and rhythms in life that most people are oblivious to, but you can see if you pay attention and keep your senses open. Of course, this is a double-edged sword. You cant go around being all paranoid and trying to constantly extract meaning out of a bunch of seemingly random events. What I mean to say is that you may not learn the meaning/point of certain events right way, you have to have the discipline and patience to relax and believe that the reason for things will unveil themselves at the appropriate time. Does that make sense ?
email in profile if you feel like you need someone to "vent" to .. :P
posted by jmnugent at 4:04 PM on February 17, 2008 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: By the way, I appreciate everyones comments. And am amazed at how fast they came in. You really are helping me.
If this all seems like it is just spilling out and sounds like the ravings of a madman I apologize. I dont really talk to anyone about my problems, I usually just listen to others.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:05 PM on February 17, 2008
If this all seems like it is just spilling out and sounds like the ravings of a madman I apologize. I dont really talk to anyone about my problems, I usually just listen to others.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:05 PM on February 17, 2008
I should also say that my out look on my situation came from meeting with a therapist. I would really recommend that you seek one out as well.
I was a really weird feeling when the therapist could guess what I was going thru with only a few questions answered. After a few sessions I was able to recognize that this was a problem that I could seek help for. Although in the beginning I was on a medication that helped me with my anxiety, I no longer take any medication for the anxiety that I experienced from these thoughts.
It will really be a big relief to share these thoughts with a profesional. It will really help you.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:06 PM on February 17, 2008
I was a really weird feeling when the therapist could guess what I was going thru with only a few questions answered. After a few sessions I was able to recognize that this was a problem that I could seek help for. Although in the beginning I was on a medication that helped me with my anxiety, I no longer take any medication for the anxiety that I experienced from these thoughts.
It will really be a big relief to share these thoughts with a profesional. It will really help you.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:06 PM on February 17, 2008
I am not a doctor or mental health professional. I will try not to make claims that I cannot substantiate. It does seem like your anxiety is very severe right now. You should call the doctor who prescribed you any medications you are taking first thing tomorrow. Right now you should speak to someone you trust in person, or over the phone if you cannot meet them in person. In the mean time, if you find yourself worrying too much about your subconscious, or about anything, try to just relax. This diaphragmatic breathing excercise may help.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 4:07 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by gauchodaspampas at 4:07 PM on February 17, 2008
I leave me house a take a walk. Sometimes, just leaving the place you are accustomed to will allow you to have some open space to be "alone" in. Sometimes I just put on my mp3 player and start walking. I have anxiety with some acute panic attacks. I take a drug to combat them (atavan). Once I start thinking about things like this, I can't stop. For me, it usually calms down in the morning. Until then, I do stupid things like self-diagnose over the internet and decide I'm crazy or useless or something like that. I am neither of those things, but it's amazing what I can convince myself of after a night of rumination. My therapist helps a lot with all this, and the attacks have almost completely stopped between therapy and medication.
posted by nursegracer at 4:10 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by nursegracer at 4:10 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: How much are therapists? Arent they extremely expensive? I dont really have a lot of money, and I DO NOT want my parents knowing that I am going to a mind doctor. My mom found out I was taking Zoloft and just seemed really sad like she had done something wrong and it made me feel horrible.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:11 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:11 PM on February 17, 2008
Knock off the recreational drugs until this stuff settles down. Seriously. Recreational doses will often be higher than therapeutic doses, and the side effects will be correspondingly larger. Also, using therapeutic drugs recreationally will give you a cavalier attitude toward dosages when you do need to use them therapeutically. That attitude won't help you.
Also, you come across as kind of young. Young people shouldn't be messing with recreational drugs (and certainly not benzos or opiates) until well after their own hormones have stopped jerking them around.
Think carefully about the parallels between using a therapeutic drug like Zoloft to manage brain dysfunction, and using a therapeutic drug like insulin to manage pancreas dysfunction. Really, the two cases are almost identical. The sooner we all stop trying to hide our assorted mental problems (and everybody has some) the sooner the stupid stigma attached to mental illness will go away.
Also, give up this nonsense about the use of therapeutic drugs "weakening your immune system". It's a load of unhelpful nonsense. About the only downside to using pain killers to manage actual pain is that in some cases, doing so can mask the kind of pain that would normally prevent you inflicting further injury upon an already injured bone, joint or whatever.
All the best.
posted by flabdablet at 4:12 PM on February 17, 2008
Also, you come across as kind of young. Young people shouldn't be messing with recreational drugs (and certainly not benzos or opiates) until well after their own hormones have stopped jerking them around.
Think carefully about the parallels between using a therapeutic drug like Zoloft to manage brain dysfunction, and using a therapeutic drug like insulin to manage pancreas dysfunction. Really, the two cases are almost identical. The sooner we all stop trying to hide our assorted mental problems (and everybody has some) the sooner the stupid stigma attached to mental illness will go away.
Also, give up this nonsense about the use of therapeutic drugs "weakening your immune system". It's a load of unhelpful nonsense. About the only downside to using pain killers to manage actual pain is that in some cases, doing so can mask the kind of pain that would normally prevent you inflicting further injury upon an already injured bone, joint or whatever.
All the best.
posted by flabdablet at 4:12 PM on February 17, 2008
You don't sound as if you're subconsciously trying to kill yourself to me, but you do sound as if you're looking for help - subconsciously or otherwise.
I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own
Zoloft (or any antidepressant) isn't going to take care of your problems or prevent you working them out on your own. In fact a lot of people when initially on Zoloft begin feeling better and think "Hey, I'm cured!" and go off the medication abruptly only to realise that the underlying problems are still there. The point of the antidepressants is to level you out enough so that you feel able to work things out on your own. If you're having anxiety, obsessive thoughts, 'thought spirals' which are affecting your ability to function, then antidepressants will help put you in a stronger position to control that - preferably in conjunction with a good therapist who will teach you how to recognise the beginnings of those thought spirals and head them off at the pass. Then you can begin winding down the Zoloft (or whatever) with those new coping abilities in place.
So my advice would be: talk to your doctor about the anxiety, since it is impairing your social and emotional life; and talk to a therapist about the way you feel. It's not as if either of those is the easy way out. It's hard being in therapy and trying to change, and you actually do have to work at it. In fact I would argue that making that initial step is one of the bravest and most difficult things you'll ever do, and THAT is something nobody else can do for you - so you're still working things out on your own.
posted by andraste at 4:15 PM on February 17, 2008
I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own
Zoloft (or any antidepressant) isn't going to take care of your problems or prevent you working them out on your own. In fact a lot of people when initially on Zoloft begin feeling better and think "Hey, I'm cured!" and go off the medication abruptly only to realise that the underlying problems are still there. The point of the antidepressants is to level you out enough so that you feel able to work things out on your own. If you're having anxiety, obsessive thoughts, 'thought spirals' which are affecting your ability to function, then antidepressants will help put you in a stronger position to control that - preferably in conjunction with a good therapist who will teach you how to recognise the beginnings of those thought spirals and head them off at the pass. Then you can begin winding down the Zoloft (or whatever) with those new coping abilities in place.
So my advice would be: talk to your doctor about the anxiety, since it is impairing your social and emotional life; and talk to a therapist about the way you feel. It's not as if either of those is the easy way out. It's hard being in therapy and trying to change, and you actually do have to work at it. In fact I would argue that making that initial step is one of the bravest and most difficult things you'll ever do, and THAT is something nobody else can do for you - so you're still working things out on your own.
posted by andraste at 4:15 PM on February 17, 2008
Personally, I dont believe in "coincidences". Its to long of a story to describe here, but I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and in the concept of a shared global mind
Personally, I've been wanting this to be true for a hell of a long time, but after intensive inquiry into the matter, have concluded that it's a load of horse hockey pucks.
If you want to know why certain coincidences seem so incredibly striking and meaningful, read up on confirmation bias.
posted by flabdablet at 4:16 PM on February 17, 2008
Personally, I've been wanting this to be true for a hell of a long time, but after intensive inquiry into the matter, have concluded that it's a load of horse hockey pucks.
If you want to know why certain coincidences seem so incredibly striking and meaningful, read up on confirmation bias.
posted by flabdablet at 4:16 PM on February 17, 2008
Man, if I were you I would switch from Aleve (which is naproxen sodium) to Ibuprofen. When I had back pain I would sometimes take a lot of pain killers, and naproxen sodium absolutely killed my stomach Ibuprofen worked much, much better.
Anyway, you might want to talk to an actual medical specialist about your physical pain, rather then trying to take anti-inflammatories. Something with codeine would be much more helpful. Obviously physical pain can contribute to depression.
posted by delmoi at 4:18 PM on February 17, 2008
Anyway, you might want to talk to an actual medical specialist about your physical pain, rather then trying to take anti-inflammatories. Something with codeine would be much more helpful. Obviously physical pain can contribute to depression.
posted by delmoi at 4:18 PM on February 17, 2008
You say you are in college? Does your student health center not have mental health services? Most do, and often they are covered by student health fees that are included in your tuition, or a small fee. I suggest looking into that ASAP.
posted by greta simone at 4:21 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by greta simone at 4:21 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: I am 23. I guess that is still considered young. You know, I am actually weening myself off of using that shit for recreation. See the thing is I only do it about once or twice a month so I think its alright if you dont do it often. But anyways, I was offered some klonapin the other night and declined it. I have also cut back on smoking to about 1 or 2 cigs a day if any. Kind of off topic but im proud of myself lol.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:23 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:23 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: Yea the college does have a student health center. They were the ones who recommended me for zoloft the first time. I think I might only have one more visit left, they have some kind of weird policy. But the people I talk to are just guidance councilors not actual therapists.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:28 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:28 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: as in they dont have their doctorates
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:28 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:28 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: Funny thing is, right now I am perfectly content. I feel absolutely normal, no anxiety or stress. Hearts at a steady pace, things are ok. :) But not two hours ago I was completely wigging out, what is up with that?
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:31 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:31 PM on February 17, 2008
Are you serious? What is up with that is that you may have an anxiety disorder that causes panic attacks. Go see a mental health profressional. Nobody here can help you. Most of us aren't doctors. The ones who actually are doctors won't tell you much beyond "go see a doctor, you could indeed be having panic attacks, it could be something completely different."
See a doctor.
posted by Justinian at 4:39 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
See a doctor.
posted by Justinian at 4:39 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
I have OCD, and what you're describing sounds very similar to what I experience day-to-day. Check out the article on Wikipedia and see if it matches your symptoms.
posted by archagon at 4:40 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by archagon at 4:40 PM on February 17, 2008
Which is why I dont want them to know that I have problems, cause then my problems would become their problems.
When someone cares about you, they want to help you with your problems. Let them help you. Don't want to burden them unnecessarily? Work towards getting yourself well.
Please, talk to your friends and/or family.
How much are therapists? Arent they extremely expensive? I dont really have a lot of money, and I DO NOT want my parents knowing that I am going to a mind doctor. My mom found out I was taking Zoloft and just seemed really sad like she had done something wrong and it made me feel horrible.
If you're in school, they can be free. If you are not, almost all mental health practitioners work on a sliding scale. In either case, don't let it prevent you from trying.
I could speculate as to what your problem is, but you should really see a professional in person sooner rather than later.
posted by phrontist at 4:40 PM on February 17, 2008
When someone cares about you, they want to help you with your problems. Let them help you. Don't want to burden them unnecessarily? Work towards getting yourself well.
Please, talk to your friends and/or family.
How much are therapists? Arent they extremely expensive? I dont really have a lot of money, and I DO NOT want my parents knowing that I am going to a mind doctor. My mom found out I was taking Zoloft and just seemed really sad like she had done something wrong and it made me feel horrible.
If you're in school, they can be free. If you are not, almost all mental health practitioners work on a sliding scale. In either case, don't let it prevent you from trying.
I could speculate as to what your problem is, but you should really see a professional in person sooner rather than later.
posted by phrontist at 4:40 PM on February 17, 2008
What is the problem with telling your parents that you need to see a "head" doctor...? If you are close to them at all they probably already know that somethings up and will be relieved that you are going to get some help. Seeing a doctor is NOTHING to be ashamed of.
Your ups and downs do need to be managed.
Are you still young enough to be under your parents insurance or have any insurance of your own? Co-payments are reasonable for office visits, depend on your carrier.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:47 PM on February 17, 2008
Your ups and downs do need to be managed.
Are you still young enough to be under your parents insurance or have any insurance of your own? Co-payments are reasonable for office visits, depend on your carrier.
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:47 PM on February 17, 2008
thefamousjoe:
"But not two hours ago I was completely wigging out, what is up with that?"
My gut answer would be: thats just the way panic attacks work. You dont see them coming, and they make your thoughts and worries race out of control for apparent reason.
BUT, I am not a doctor, and its very possible you could have some medical reason for unpredictable variations in heartbeat,breathing,etc. I think everyones advice here is good, you should definitely search your local resources for an affordable medical evaluation. Even if it turns out its just stress/overload, imagine how relieved your brain will be to know there's nothing physically wrong with you.
posted by jmnugent at 4:51 PM on February 17, 2008
"But not two hours ago I was completely wigging out, what is up with that?"
My gut answer would be: thats just the way panic attacks work. You dont see them coming, and they make your thoughts and worries race out of control for apparent reason.
BUT, I am not a doctor, and its very possible you could have some medical reason for unpredictable variations in heartbeat,breathing,etc. I think everyones advice here is good, you should definitely search your local resources for an affordable medical evaluation. Even if it turns out its just stress/overload, imagine how relieved your brain will be to know there's nothing physically wrong with you.
posted by jmnugent at 4:51 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: I have actually looked into OCD and think I may have something like that. At least on the obsessive side, not so much on compulsive. I dont have to spin around three times before entering a room or anything. But I do have these brain fits where I continuously obsess over something completely ridiculous like my subconscious trying to kill me. wtf...sigh.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:51 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:51 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: I think I am going to just print out this post and take it to a doctor in the morning. have him read over it and tell me what is wrong. Regular doctors can do that cant they? Or do I need to specifically go to a therapist?
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:54 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:54 PM on February 17, 2008
No, that sounds like a good first step. A general practitioner should be able to give you a refferal.
posted by phrontist at 4:56 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by phrontist at 4:56 PM on February 17, 2008
It would be really helpful to your doctors visit tomorrow if you were to try and make a list of some of your symptoms to share with him/her. The more info you can give him/her the better.
Good luck, getting help should ease your mind. (no pun intended)
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:56 PM on February 17, 2008
Good luck, getting help should ease your mind. (no pun intended)
posted by CreativeJuices at 4:56 PM on February 17, 2008
i think you need to seek immediate treatment. it sounds to me that something is going on with you that you will not be able to "will away" on your own.
although you resist taking drugs, let me offer an analogy that i think helps: the drugs are like a cast for a broken leg--it holds everything together until you heal enough to go without it. yes, some people do have to take it chronically because their biochemistry is deficient (like a diabetic needs insulin), but for a lot of people, they just need medication to get them through the crisis period. it's not a weakness, it's a tool, and it may help you enormously.
i hope you get the help you need. you don't want to waste another second of your life on this when there's so much more out there.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:59 PM on February 17, 2008
although you resist taking drugs, let me offer an analogy that i think helps: the drugs are like a cast for a broken leg--it holds everything together until you heal enough to go without it. yes, some people do have to take it chronically because their biochemistry is deficient (like a diabetic needs insulin), but for a lot of people, they just need medication to get them through the crisis period. it's not a weakness, it's a tool, and it may help you enormously.
i hope you get the help you need. you don't want to waste another second of your life on this when there's so much more out there.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:59 PM on February 17, 2008
If you decide that you do want professional help (and I think it might help tremendously), go to your student health center and ask them how you can get low cost, on-going counseling. You might also want to ask your counselor what his or her qualifications are - it is a legitimate question. They certainly should have special training to work with psychological problems although they don't need to be a psychiatrist to be a licensed therapist. If fact, in California most psychiatrists are too expensive to be doing weekly therapy - it is more often a psychologist, a marriage and family therapist or a social worker.
Also, the health centers that I know can usually make exceptions to the 10 visit (or whatever) rule if the person you are working with thinks it is necessary. In any case, they should know what other resources are available to you locally.
Finally, see if you can get into see a psychiatrist rather than a regular doctor about prescribing some medication to help you - there are literally dozens of options to help you, each similar but not exactly the same. Also, both the therapist and the psychiatrist should do a good evaluation it figure out if it is depression, bipolar, OCD or anxiety.
posted by metahawk at 5:10 PM on February 17, 2008
Also, the health centers that I know can usually make exceptions to the 10 visit (or whatever) rule if the person you are working with thinks it is necessary. In any case, they should know what other resources are available to you locally.
Finally, see if you can get into see a psychiatrist rather than a regular doctor about prescribing some medication to help you - there are literally dozens of options to help you, each similar but not exactly the same. Also, both the therapist and the psychiatrist should do a good evaluation it figure out if it is depression, bipolar, OCD or anxiety.
posted by metahawk at 5:10 PM on February 17, 2008
Going to your general practitioner does sound like a good idea. Make sure to plan ahead though. As you can tell, some of us here think there may be some serious issues that need to be taken care of sooner rather than later. Others of us don't. The thing is, it's basically impossible for us to tell, because we can't see you and talk to you, and we're all a bunch of amateurs. But be prepared to be sent straight over to a psychiatrist or other mental health professional if your doc thinks it needs immediate attention from a specialist. Email your professors and instructors to let them know you're not feeling 100% right now, and are iffy about being in class tomorrow.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 5:16 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by gauchodaspampas at 5:16 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: I dont know if this helps but I was explaining the situation to a friend (yea im talking to someone now heh) and i just remembered that as I was having the attack at the table we got our food.
However I couldnt even look at the butterknife, let alone use it to cut my food. It made me very very uncomfortable. I guess because a knife symbolises cutting, suicide whatever. So i had to cut my dang food with a fork only.
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:18 PM on February 17, 2008
However I couldnt even look at the butterknife, let alone use it to cut my food. It made me very very uncomfortable. I guess because a knife symbolises cutting, suicide whatever. So i had to cut my dang food with a fork only.
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:18 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: and i kept thinking i had to go home and throw away the bottle of aleve which has like 2 pills in it. and anything else that i might use to kill myself with and lock myself in my room to keep from hurting myself.
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:27 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:27 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: "As you can tell, some of us here think there may be some serious issues that need to be taken care of sooner rather than later. Others of us don't."
I will go see the doctor tomorrow. But right now I dont think Im in any immediate kind of threat. I'm still kind of freaked out, though more rational. I am totally staying away from any sort of pills lol. If I even thought there was some kind of real danger to myself I would just curl up into a ball and hide under the covers cause i DO NOT want to die. Well...someday of old age, but not now, nor by my own hands.
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:39 PM on February 17, 2008
I will go see the doctor tomorrow. But right now I dont think Im in any immediate kind of threat. I'm still kind of freaked out, though more rational. I am totally staying away from any sort of pills lol. If I even thought there was some kind of real danger to myself I would just curl up into a ball and hide under the covers cause i DO NOT want to die. Well...someday of old age, but not now, nor by my own hands.
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:39 PM on February 17, 2008
1. I never take pain medicine or any other kind of medicine for sickness cause I think it lowers my immunities and actually makes my body weaker.
2. I will occasionally take pain killers/xanax whatever as a recreational drug.
#2 is what may would call "self-medicating." I'm not against recreational drug use per se, but when mental illness may be an issue, I always worry that's it taking the place of "admitting" to needing real medication. And there's no shame in a course of Zoloft, any more (as has been said) than there is in my insulin requirements. Just trying to get a body back to some level of sustainable order.
I've been around the suicidal, and you're not there--you're overdosing on the Aleve, but not enough to kill you right now, just stick to the label instructions in the future. But don't let yourself get there either--get back to some form of professional help, they've put in long hours learning to tease out from you exactly the things that you'll need.
posted by stevis23 at 5:50 PM on February 17, 2008
2. I will occasionally take pain killers/xanax whatever as a recreational drug.
#2 is what may would call "self-medicating." I'm not against recreational drug use per se, but when mental illness may be an issue, I always worry that's it taking the place of "admitting" to needing real medication. And there's no shame in a course of Zoloft, any more (as has been said) than there is in my insulin requirements. Just trying to get a body back to some level of sustainable order.
I've been around the suicidal, and you're not there--you're overdosing on the Aleve, but not enough to kill you right now, just stick to the label instructions in the future. But don't let yourself get there either--get back to some form of professional help, they've put in long hours learning to tease out from you exactly the things that you'll need.
posted by stevis23 at 5:50 PM on February 17, 2008
You say you don't have compulsions, but these:
However I couldnt even look at the butterknife, let alone use it to cut my food. It made me very very uncomfortable. I guess because a knife symbolises cutting, suicide whatever. So i had to cut my dang food with a fork only.
and i kept thinking i had to go home and throw away the bottle of aleve which has like 2 pills in it. and anything else that i might use to kill myself with and lock myself in my room to keep from hurting myself.
are compulsions. The washing hands/stepping over cracks in the sidewalk/"spinning around three times" as you put it, are more obvious compulsions because they're more obviously weird. But the compulsive part of obsessive-compulsive disorder just means any irrational action you feel you must take to quiet your obsessive thoughts.
For example, when I was a child I used to be terrified that my mother would die in a car accident. Every time she was late picking me up from school or coming home from a shopping trip, I'd be convinced that she was in an ambulance somewhere. So I developed little rituals to make myself feel better. I'd open up the newspaper and if there were no headlines with some variation of the word "dead," it meant she was okay. I'd recite a specific prayer that I had to get just right, and if I did, it meant she was okay.
The compulsions get attention because they're the visible part of the disorder, but I think the obsessive aspect is the more important part. My little rituals were compulsions, but I didn't always have those. I just developed them as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and the thoughts and the situations I couldn't control. Once I got on the correct medication and my anxiety abated, the compulsions disappeared because I didn't need them anymore.
posted by granted at 5:52 PM on February 17, 2008
However I couldnt even look at the butterknife, let alone use it to cut my food. It made me very very uncomfortable. I guess because a knife symbolises cutting, suicide whatever. So i had to cut my dang food with a fork only.
and i kept thinking i had to go home and throw away the bottle of aleve which has like 2 pills in it. and anything else that i might use to kill myself with and lock myself in my room to keep from hurting myself.
are compulsions. The washing hands/stepping over cracks in the sidewalk/"spinning around three times" as you put it, are more obvious compulsions because they're more obviously weird. But the compulsive part of obsessive-compulsive disorder just means any irrational action you feel you must take to quiet your obsessive thoughts.
For example, when I was a child I used to be terrified that my mother would die in a car accident. Every time she was late picking me up from school or coming home from a shopping trip, I'd be convinced that she was in an ambulance somewhere. So I developed little rituals to make myself feel better. I'd open up the newspaper and if there were no headlines with some variation of the word "dead," it meant she was okay. I'd recite a specific prayer that I had to get just right, and if I did, it meant she was okay.
The compulsions get attention because they're the visible part of the disorder, but I think the obsessive aspect is the more important part. My little rituals were compulsions, but I didn't always have those. I just developed them as a coping mechanism for the anxiety and the thoughts and the situations I couldn't control. Once I got on the correct medication and my anxiety abated, the compulsions disappeared because I didn't need them anymore.
posted by granted at 5:52 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: "For example, when I was a child I used to be terrified that my mother would die in a car accident" Holy shit I used to think that too. Cept I dont remember having any rituals, I would just cry or walk up the street to meet her at the entrance. maybe walking up the street to meet her was assuring myself that she would be there...hmmm...
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:57 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 5:57 PM on February 17, 2008
Best answer: Whatever you do, don't decide to delay dealing with the problem because now you're feeling fine. I did that for quite a long time with my depression and panic attacks: "Oh, well, obviously _this_ time I've pulled myself together." Which would be followed days or weeks later by something similar. Use the time when you're feeling relatively compos mentis to make sure you've got a support network for the next time things go wrong.
Don't rule out medication - although it is certainly not automatically the solution. Medication doesn't magically solve things for most people dealing with mental illnesses, but (particularly with things like depression and anxiety) it can help control the problem while you work with a therapist on coping mechanisms, behavioral changes, etc. Some people need to take it on an ongoing basis, but most need it only for a time while they work on coping skills, etc. Some people disdainfully call medication (and even therapy) a crutch, but that's what it is: an outside source of help for you and your body. I always wonder whether they'd prefer people with injured legs to hobble around without crutches... As others above have implied, there's a line between trying to be self-reliant and being a masochist. In some cases, focusing too much on doing every damn thing without help actually ends up hurting you.
Furthermore, don't rule out therapists because they're not psychiatrists. There're plenty of psychologists who don't have an MD and are as good (or better) than the average psychiatrist - plus they're generally a lot easier to see. While you're at it, you need to be asking them how your school's insurance works. I know at my last university, you could (with the help of your therapist) get an extension on the number of insurance-allowed therapy visits, and a further extension where you paid a part of the cost of the therapy. I definitely recommend that you see a psychiatrist, as meds might end up helping you, but they're often overbooked, and it can be logistically much easier to see someone else for general therapy.
And yeah, I would watch out about the use of pain killers and - in particular - benzos as recreational drugs. The allure is obvious, but they're addictive, and you run the risk of acclimating your body to a higher-than-therapeutic dosage. Which is bad, because for many people, benzos are one of the most effective medications for panic attacks. (A general SSRI may help some people, but there are plenty of people like me who need additional help, and benzos are fast-acting, and can help quash a panic attack soon after it starts.) If you're using them to relax and deal with your very social living situation, don't be afraid to spend time on your own. Go out and walk around the city, see movies or concerts alone, wake up a little earlier so that you can have the house to yourself, etc. It can be very hard to say no to friends - god knows I understand - but odds are that many (most?) of them need some time to chill out as well, and will understand if you take a little time off, every now and then.
While I'm at it: Don't let your mother's dismay let you prevent you from helping yourself. There is a stigma about things like depression, OCD, anxiety attacks, etc - heck, I listed all those separate problems because I didn't want to use the term "mental illness." But having problems like that isn't a moral fault. It's an illness, and like most illnesses, medication and/or lifestyle changes (more specifically, changes in thought patterns prompted by therapy) can help. So don't worry, you can deal with this, and you're doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Good luck.
posted by ubersturm at 6:00 PM on February 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
Don't rule out medication - although it is certainly not automatically the solution. Medication doesn't magically solve things for most people dealing with mental illnesses, but (particularly with things like depression and anxiety) it can help control the problem while you work with a therapist on coping mechanisms, behavioral changes, etc. Some people need to take it on an ongoing basis, but most need it only for a time while they work on coping skills, etc. Some people disdainfully call medication (and even therapy) a crutch, but that's what it is: an outside source of help for you and your body. I always wonder whether they'd prefer people with injured legs to hobble around without crutches... As others above have implied, there's a line between trying to be self-reliant and being a masochist. In some cases, focusing too much on doing every damn thing without help actually ends up hurting you.
Furthermore, don't rule out therapists because they're not psychiatrists. There're plenty of psychologists who don't have an MD and are as good (or better) than the average psychiatrist - plus they're generally a lot easier to see. While you're at it, you need to be asking them how your school's insurance works. I know at my last university, you could (with the help of your therapist) get an extension on the number of insurance-allowed therapy visits, and a further extension where you paid a part of the cost of the therapy. I definitely recommend that you see a psychiatrist, as meds might end up helping you, but they're often overbooked, and it can be logistically much easier to see someone else for general therapy.
And yeah, I would watch out about the use of pain killers and - in particular - benzos as recreational drugs. The allure is obvious, but they're addictive, and you run the risk of acclimating your body to a higher-than-therapeutic dosage. Which is bad, because for many people, benzos are one of the most effective medications for panic attacks. (A general SSRI may help some people, but there are plenty of people like me who need additional help, and benzos are fast-acting, and can help quash a panic attack soon after it starts.) If you're using them to relax and deal with your very social living situation, don't be afraid to spend time on your own. Go out and walk around the city, see movies or concerts alone, wake up a little earlier so that you can have the house to yourself, etc. It can be very hard to say no to friends - god knows I understand - but odds are that many (most?) of them need some time to chill out as well, and will understand if you take a little time off, every now and then.
While I'm at it: Don't let your mother's dismay let you prevent you from helping yourself. There is a stigma about things like depression, OCD, anxiety attacks, etc - heck, I listed all those separate problems because I didn't want to use the term "mental illness." But having problems like that isn't a moral fault. It's an illness, and like most illnesses, medication and/or lifestyle changes (more specifically, changes in thought patterns prompted by therapy) can help. So don't worry, you can deal with this, and you're doing the right thing by reaching out for help. Good luck.
posted by ubersturm at 6:00 PM on February 17, 2008 [6 favorites]
I showed this post to a friend whose line of work includes helping people with mental illnesses. This is what she responded with:
I guess the thing that stood out to me was the bit about the blonde girl. That kind of thought train could be consistent with early psychosis, and the belief that others are trying to interject their thoughts into his head, as well as some slight paranoia.
What the poster is describing is consistent with early mental illness.
And psychotic disorders mostly manifest in the late teens/early twenties.
Based on this alone [comments about blonde girl], I would say this is someone who needs mental health treatment, and needs to be able to tell his doctor or mental health care provider that it's not JUST depression. It's also thoughts that are disordered.
Psychotic disorders often include depression.
She also wanted me to be sure to note that mental illness is treatable and manageable with proper care and that It's really commendable that you were brave and posted this. It's good to reach out to others.
I'm sure posting this wasn't easy but it is good to reach out. I hope you can work with a doctor to find an appropriate treatment plan.
posted by 6550 at 6:29 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
I guess the thing that stood out to me was the bit about the blonde girl. That kind of thought train could be consistent with early psychosis, and the belief that others are trying to interject their thoughts into his head, as well as some slight paranoia.
What the poster is describing is consistent with early mental illness.
And psychotic disorders mostly manifest in the late teens/early twenties.
Based on this alone [comments about blonde girl], I would say this is someone who needs mental health treatment, and needs to be able to tell his doctor or mental health care provider that it's not JUST depression. It's also thoughts that are disordered.
Psychotic disorders often include depression.
She also wanted me to be sure to note that mental illness is treatable and manageable with proper care and that It's really commendable that you were brave and posted this. It's good to reach out to others.
I'm sure posting this wasn't easy but it is good to reach out. I hope you can work with a doctor to find an appropriate treatment plan.
posted by 6550 at 6:29 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: early mental illness? Is it going to get worse? I'm not going to have to go to a white room am I? I appreciate you showing this to your friend, just kind of scary realizing that something is wrong with me.
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:34 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:34 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: Psychosis? I looked that up. Seems really scary. Man I hope Im not gonna go completely psychotic in four years or something.
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:38 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:38 PM on February 17, 2008
I know it's scary stuff! But mental illness is treatable and manageable (and it's not creepy doctors in white rooms like the stereotype). You will have to discuss this with a doctor, who will probably refer you to a specialist of some sort.
posted by 6550 at 6:43 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by 6550 at 6:43 PM on February 17, 2008
Response by poster: dammit lol. im feeling great now after talking about it, i reaaaallllly dont wanna go to a doctor. maybe it'll never happen again. yea.. just maybe. sigh.
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:52 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 6:52 PM on February 17, 2008
Definitely go to a doctor, at least a preemptive or preventative step. Even if you're feeling better now this will help so you stay that way!
posted by 6550 at 6:54 PM on February 17, 2008
posted by 6550 at 6:54 PM on February 17, 2008
While I'm at it: Don't let your mother's dismay let you prevent you from helping yourself.
Bears repeating.
In my experience with working on my own anxiety disorder, my mom's sadness made me feel tremendously guilty early on about arranging care/help for myself. As if I had failed at being her kid by not being perfect. And there was the whole stigma thing. I felt that she was embarrassed about my situation (which, in retrospect, was pretty high functioning for the anxiety issues I was dealing with.)
Years later, after I had received successful treatment and she could see who content and productive I was when I didn't have to expend so much energy to work through the panic attacks, I was able to talk to her openly about her initial reactions to my diagnosis. Turns out, my grandmother had struggled with this. SHE had struggled with this. And she felt guilty because she had passed this along to me. She felt that she had let me down as a mother by not protecting me from the very thing that made her and her mother's life so difficult.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. Especially when I was able to reassure her that, just like diabetes, this type of susceptibility to depression and panic was something that she could not have "fixed" for me.
I do not have the type of condition that I could avoid completely through better diet, exercise, or meditation. (Though, just like with someone who has diabetes, those types of lifestyle changes help to lessen the episodes and the intensity of them.) "Sucking it up" or "cheering up" or "just calming down" is not an option for me during episodes, any more than those would be options for someone with diabetes or a life-threatening respiratory illness or cancer.
The anti-depressants helped me to be able to stave off panic attacks and thinking spirals long enough to do the cognitive behavior therapy needed to get rid of the thought patterns which made me more vulnerable to anxiety attacks. It's a wicked spiral. Biochemicals kick it off for me, but then that biochemical reaction sends confusing messages to me about how to respond to what is happening around me, and that leads to oversensitivity or misinterpretation of situations, which leads to more anxiety, which kicks off more of a biochemical reaction, ad nauseam. But the AD's broken the spiral so I could get perspective and, in short, reprogram how I interpret things so I am not adding to my anxiety.
I'm not going to play armchair psychologist with you. I don't think anyone on here should. But I think that you are doing the right thing by taking this to the student health center and asking to speak to a professional, whether that is a doctor or therapist.
I'm 41, so I am 20 years down the road from where you are today. And I can tell you from here...I have never regretted any of the work I've done to get those damn panic attacks under control. I have so much more energy then when I had to spend all sorts of energy keeping a lid on all of that. I feel calm a MAJORITY of the time, and that? Is a really incredible thing. Something I didn't get to experience as a teen or in my 20's. And my mom? Finally got treated for her anxiety disorder. So, she isn't sad anymore.
Best of luck. I can be better than okay.
posted by jeanmari at 7:03 PM on February 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Bears repeating.
In my experience with working on my own anxiety disorder, my mom's sadness made me feel tremendously guilty early on about arranging care/help for myself. As if I had failed at being her kid by not being perfect. And there was the whole stigma thing. I felt that she was embarrassed about my situation (which, in retrospect, was pretty high functioning for the anxiety issues I was dealing with.)
Years later, after I had received successful treatment and she could see who content and productive I was when I didn't have to expend so much energy to work through the panic attacks, I was able to talk to her openly about her initial reactions to my diagnosis. Turns out, my grandmother had struggled with this. SHE had struggled with this. And she felt guilty because she had passed this along to me. She felt that she had let me down as a mother by not protecting me from the very thing that made her and her mother's life so difficult.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. Especially when I was able to reassure her that, just like diabetes, this type of susceptibility to depression and panic was something that she could not have "fixed" for me.
I do not have the type of condition that I could avoid completely through better diet, exercise, or meditation. (Though, just like with someone who has diabetes, those types of lifestyle changes help to lessen the episodes and the intensity of them.) "Sucking it up" or "cheering up" or "just calming down" is not an option for me during episodes, any more than those would be options for someone with diabetes or a life-threatening respiratory illness or cancer.
The anti-depressants helped me to be able to stave off panic attacks and thinking spirals long enough to do the cognitive behavior therapy needed to get rid of the thought patterns which made me more vulnerable to anxiety attacks. It's a wicked spiral. Biochemicals kick it off for me, but then that biochemical reaction sends confusing messages to me about how to respond to what is happening around me, and that leads to oversensitivity or misinterpretation of situations, which leads to more anxiety, which kicks off more of a biochemical reaction, ad nauseam. But the AD's broken the spiral so I could get perspective and, in short, reprogram how I interpret things so I am not adding to my anxiety.
I'm not going to play armchair psychologist with you. I don't think anyone on here should. But I think that you are doing the right thing by taking this to the student health center and asking to speak to a professional, whether that is a doctor or therapist.
I'm 41, so I am 20 years down the road from where you are today. And I can tell you from here...I have never regretted any of the work I've done to get those damn panic attacks under control. I have so much more energy then when I had to spend all sorts of energy keeping a lid on all of that. I feel calm a MAJORITY of the time, and that? Is a really incredible thing. Something I didn't get to experience as a teen or in my 20's. And my mom? Finally got treated for her anxiety disorder. So, she isn't sad anymore.
Best of luck. I can be better than okay.
posted by jeanmari at 7:03 PM on February 17, 2008 [2 favorites]
Oh, and not having to guess from day to day how I'm going to feel? And not having to overthink stuff? And being able to always know how I'll be feeling a week or two weeks from now? Awesome. You can't believe how awesome. Yet.
posted by jeanmari at 7:06 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by jeanmari at 7:06 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Hello, me.
I understand this, I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own, and its so damn hard admitting you've got brain problems.
I had this mindset for a while. Even when I was on medication the first time, I hated the idea that I had to rely on meds to function. Felt like I was defective. After a couple of years I was better, and for a few years I was med-free.
Last year things collapsed on themselves and I spiralled into a deep depression. Ruined everything in my life. Nearly killed myself a few times. I caught myself trying to jump off my college balcony and went to my director for help. She got me to the uni GP who put me on Efexor. It's not perfect, but it was a necessary start - I needed treatment ages ago and if it wasn't for this who knows where I would be now.
Don't worry about the white rooms or being "crazy". I know it's hard. I've been there and in some way I am still there. But not everyone goes to extremes. I'm actually on the mild end of the scale. You probably are too. Go talk to your doctor and see how that goes.
Good luck. MefiMail me if you want to talk.
posted by divabat at 7:08 PM on February 17, 2008
I understand this, I meant that I would rather not take Zoloft because I want to be able to work out things on my own, and its so damn hard admitting you've got brain problems.
I had this mindset for a while. Even when I was on medication the first time, I hated the idea that I had to rely on meds to function. Felt like I was defective. After a couple of years I was better, and for a few years I was med-free.
Last year things collapsed on themselves and I spiralled into a deep depression. Ruined everything in my life. Nearly killed myself a few times. I caught myself trying to jump off my college balcony and went to my director for help. She got me to the uni GP who put me on Efexor. It's not perfect, but it was a necessary start - I needed treatment ages ago and if it wasn't for this who knows where I would be now.
Don't worry about the white rooms or being "crazy". I know it's hard. I've been there and in some way I am still there. But not everyone goes to extremes. I'm actually on the mild end of the scale. You probably are too. Go talk to your doctor and see how that goes.
Good luck. MefiMail me if you want to talk.
posted by divabat at 7:08 PM on February 17, 2008
Yeah, going to the doctor when you're out of a bad period sucks. You sit there wondering why on earth you're there. "Yes, ma'am, I've been doing fine, blah blah blah." But dear god, it helps to have backup to turn to if (and when) you run into problems again: people who you've learned to trust, who can help you figure out what to do. Plus, you have doctors on your side if this stuff starts getting in the way of classes or whatnot. Finally, it's when you're doing reasonably OK (because of luck or meds or whatever) that you'll have the energy free to figure out how to deal with the next problems, if they show up. When you're in the middle of a panic attack, or a depressive episode, or whatever, it's hard to focus on anything beyond surviving the next few moments. Therapy and meds and whatnot can be prophylactic, providing you with the weapons to deal with those situations.
So go see someone. It'll be awkward, but it'll suck less than worrying whether your own mind's a danger to you. (But don't freak out and assume the worst! It's easy to read stuff on the internet and decide you're a bipolar depressive OCD borderline personality blah blah blah. Don't do that. Go to someone who's qualified and bring up the concerns you brought up here - print out the thread, if that makes it easier - and get their help. No reason to make yourself more anxious than you were already! And by looking for help, you're making it pretty damn likely that things will end up OK.)
Really, let me repeat that: don't worry. Dealing with these kinds of fears is awful, but again, you're doing the right thing, and hopefully, you'll be able to get a handle on your problems before they take a chunk out of your life. I wish I'd been able to ask for help earlier: it would've saved me a great deal of pain.
posted by ubersturm at 7:14 PM on February 17, 2008
So go see someone. It'll be awkward, but it'll suck less than worrying whether your own mind's a danger to you. (But don't freak out and assume the worst! It's easy to read stuff on the internet and decide you're a bipolar depressive OCD borderline personality blah blah blah. Don't do that. Go to someone who's qualified and bring up the concerns you brought up here - print out the thread, if that makes it easier - and get their help. No reason to make yourself more anxious than you were already! And by looking for help, you're making it pretty damn likely that things will end up OK.)
Really, let me repeat that: don't worry. Dealing with these kinds of fears is awful, but again, you're doing the right thing, and hopefully, you'll be able to get a handle on your problems before they take a chunk out of your life. I wish I'd been able to ask for help earlier: it would've saved me a great deal of pain.
posted by ubersturm at 7:14 PM on February 17, 2008
Psychosis? I looked that up. Seems really scary. Man I hope Im not gonna go completely psychotic in four years or something.
OK, listen, don't start worrying that you're psychotic just because someone on the internet knows someone who works in mental health and they said you sort of sound like you might be. Not that any of us can say definitively that you're not, but the last thing you need is to start worrying that you might go crazy any second.
Anyway, you realized that your thoughts about your friend and the blond girl were irrational, so you haven't lost contact with reality just yet. Everyone has irrational thoughts sometimes, it's just that most are able to dismiss them as absurd and move on. With others, it's like the record player gets stuck. "Wait, why am I thinking this? That's crazy! But what if it's true? What if it's true? No, it can't be true. That's crazy. Wait, maybe I'm crazy. Am I crazy? But what if it's true?"
The best advice anyone here can give you is to see an actual mental health professional who can sit down with you one-on-one and give you an actual diagnosis, because it's obvious that these things are causing you great distress.
I am not saying you have OCD. However, because some of what you described is consistent with the symptoms, I want to note that although the characteristic obsessions are irrational and often paranoid, OCD is an anxiety disorder, not a psychotic disorder. In fact, one of the diagnostic criteria is that "The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind, and are not based in reality."
Here's a link to the wikipedia page. From the link:
OCD sufferers are aware that such thoughts and behavior are not rational, but feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread. Because sufferers are consciously aware of this irrationality but feel helpless to push it away, untreated OCD is often regarded as one of the most vexing and frustrating of the major anxiety disorders.
In an attempt to further relate the immense distress that those afflicted with this condition must bear, Barlow and Durand (2006) use the following example.[11] They implore readers not to think of pink elephants. Their point lies in the assumption that most people will immediately create an image of a pink elephant in their minds, even though told not to do so. The more one attempts to stop thinking of these colorful animals, the more one will continue to generate these mental images. This phenomenon is termed the "Thought Avoidance Paradox”, and it plagues those with OCD on a daily basis, for no matter how hard one tries to get these disturbing images and thoughts out of one's mind, feelings of distress and anxiety inevitably prevail. Although everyone may experience unpleasant thoughts at one time or another, these are usually warranted concerns that are short-lived and fade after an adequate time period has lapsed. However, this is not the case for OCD sufferers.[12]
Take care of yourself!
posted by granted at 8:04 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
OK, listen, don't start worrying that you're psychotic just because someone on the internet knows someone who works in mental health and they said you sort of sound like you might be. Not that any of us can say definitively that you're not, but the last thing you need is to start worrying that you might go crazy any second.
Anyway, you realized that your thoughts about your friend and the blond girl were irrational, so you haven't lost contact with reality just yet. Everyone has irrational thoughts sometimes, it's just that most are able to dismiss them as absurd and move on. With others, it's like the record player gets stuck. "Wait, why am I thinking this? That's crazy! But what if it's true? What if it's true? No, it can't be true. That's crazy. Wait, maybe I'm crazy. Am I crazy? But what if it's true?"
The best advice anyone here can give you is to see an actual mental health professional who can sit down with you one-on-one and give you an actual diagnosis, because it's obvious that these things are causing you great distress.
I am not saying you have OCD. However, because some of what you described is consistent with the symptoms, I want to note that although the characteristic obsessions are irrational and often paranoid, OCD is an anxiety disorder, not a psychotic disorder. In fact, one of the diagnostic criteria is that "The person recognizes that the obsessional thoughts, impulses, or images are a product of his or her own mind, and are not based in reality."
Here's a link to the wikipedia page. From the link:
OCD sufferers are aware that such thoughts and behavior are not rational, but feel bound to comply with them to fend off feelings of panic or dread. Because sufferers are consciously aware of this irrationality but feel helpless to push it away, untreated OCD is often regarded as one of the most vexing and frustrating of the major anxiety disorders.
In an attempt to further relate the immense distress that those afflicted with this condition must bear, Barlow and Durand (2006) use the following example.[11] They implore readers not to think of pink elephants. Their point lies in the assumption that most people will immediately create an image of a pink elephant in their minds, even though told not to do so. The more one attempts to stop thinking of these colorful animals, the more one will continue to generate these mental images. This phenomenon is termed the "Thought Avoidance Paradox”, and it plagues those with OCD on a daily basis, for no matter how hard one tries to get these disturbing images and thoughts out of one's mind, feelings of distress and anxiety inevitably prevail. Although everyone may experience unpleasant thoughts at one time or another, these are usually warranted concerns that are short-lived and fade after an adequate time period has lapsed. However, this is not the case for OCD sufferers.[12]
Take care of yourself!
posted by granted at 8:04 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
How much sleep are you getting? You said that your apartment always has people around and is noisy. Sleep deprivation makes me pretty damn psychotic- and it doesn't take long for it to affect me (maybe 2 or 3 days of really bad sleep - along the lines of 4 hours or less).
I'll second, third, and fourth everyone that said lay off of the painkillers/benzos for recreation. At the very least, they can mess with your sleep - and even if that isn't the immediate problem, it ain't going to help.
Also - how much caffeine do you drink? Lots of energy drinks or soda? I've given myself HUGE panic attacks on caffeine.
Last but not least - if you start having a panic attack - go take a nice hot shower. It really helps.
I'm not saying that you do or don't need to see a doctor for all of this, but there are a lot of things that you can do to alleviate a lot of anxiety and paranoid thinking in the case that they might be caused by environmental factors.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:36 PM on February 17, 2008
I'll second, third, and fourth everyone that said lay off of the painkillers/benzos for recreation. At the very least, they can mess with your sleep - and even if that isn't the immediate problem, it ain't going to help.
Also - how much caffeine do you drink? Lots of energy drinks or soda? I've given myself HUGE panic attacks on caffeine.
Last but not least - if you start having a panic attack - go take a nice hot shower. It really helps.
I'm not saying that you do or don't need to see a doctor for all of this, but there are a lot of things that you can do to alleviate a lot of anxiety and paranoid thinking in the case that they might be caused by environmental factors.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:36 PM on February 17, 2008
Oh, and PS -
There are a LOT of different ways of thinking. I would suspect anyone who says one type of thought is necessarily crazier than another - with the obvious caveat that the thought isn't overtly violent or self-destructive. There are a lot of ways to freak yourself out if you are at all sensitive and prone to self-absorption. If it keeps bugging you - go see a therapist - you might find you are more normal than you think and they can give you tips to derail this stuff before it starts.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:41 PM on February 17, 2008
There are a LOT of different ways of thinking. I would suspect anyone who says one type of thought is necessarily crazier than another - with the obvious caveat that the thought isn't overtly violent or self-destructive. There are a lot of ways to freak yourself out if you are at all sensitive and prone to self-absorption. If it keeps bugging you - go see a therapist - you might find you are more normal than you think and they can give you tips to derail this stuff before it starts.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 9:41 PM on February 17, 2008
Best answer: Some people have posted some very good advice up above.
It doesn't sound to me that you are doomed to failure at all or that you have to worry about "being contained in a white room," heh. You know yourself best but by your posting, it seems to me, that you have some issues to work through and speaking to a therapist and/or medication could help but I also think it wold be very beneficial for you to try to help yourself by doing a few things:
1. Learn to love and accept yourself the way you are now. It sounds like with the condition that you describe, you are over-thinking everything and it only escalates once you've realized this "panic button" has been pressed and then you over-think that. Then it just escalates from there until you've found yourself in a frenzy. So, when you are in a stable frame of mind you should remind yourself that you do have these excessive thoughts periodically but you've made it through all of them so far and are fully capable of making it through the next one. Everyone has internal struggles, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. You shouldn't feel "weak" by seeking the advice of a professional, and those who are adamantly against it are those who need it most, so don't let anyone make you feel less because of it.
2. You sound like you're a person who could be very sensitive to external stimuli. You mentioned that you're in college and live in a hectic house and that you are never completely alone. I am sensitive person also and college was hell for me, I just didn't realize how bad it was until I got out. I can't handle so much commotion in my life, I always need my own space of solitude to retreat to otherwise my mind goes crazy also. You should definitely try to get this needed space in your life whether it's finding a new place to live or if that's not feasible, just taking regular walks in nature, or going to a coffee house alone and sitting by yourself with headphones and just watching the world but not engaging...just anything that gives you some personal thinking time.
3. There are plenty of good books you can read that touch on these topics. Just go into the self-help section of any bookstore or library. It sounds like you are a fairly grounded person in that at least you know you are being irrational in your thinking so you are open to learning and letting go of unwanted behaviors. You should realize that this type of thinking was a learned behavior that you've deiced to pick up for some reason, you'll have to dig within yourself to find out the cause, but that it can also be unlearned and replaced with a better response. Different things work for different people but if you're diligent you can find out what helps you. Maybe it would help to write in a journal some thoughts on your mind and then leave the thought there, and when you find yourself starting to think of it, stop and remind yourself that it's already in your journal. It takes practice and dedication, you'll have to remind yourself over and over but in a few days, weeks, whatever it takes, you'll notice that even if you didn't let yourself worry something to death, you're still okay.
4. This is going to sound all new-agey but again, whatever works. Maybe you could think of everything in your world (your friends, your mother, your brother, etc) as just extensions of yourself. If they say something that makes you feel as if they are secretly trying to tell you something (like with the brother and blonde girl who likes you comment) just understand that that is something YOU have been worrying about. You are just pulling the meaning out of your own head. If it doesn't suit you just discard it and realize that it's your own unique feeling and see your brother as just your brother who is saying something completely arbitrary.
Remember that the Law of Attraction states that whatever we are thinking is what comes to us. It doesn't make a difference to the law if we are thinking I do want something or I don't want something, if you're thinking it that's what you get. If you've been thinking about this girl liking you who you don't like back, or whatever, then anything anyone says remotely close to that idea is what you're going to pick up on. You just have to retrain your mind to find a better solution than going in spirals. Easier said than done, I know, but I think by posting this you are already on your way to figuring this out either with help or on your own. Good luck, moe!
posted by anniepants at 10:27 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound to me that you are doomed to failure at all or that you have to worry about "being contained in a white room," heh. You know yourself best but by your posting, it seems to me, that you have some issues to work through and speaking to a therapist and/or medication could help but I also think it wold be very beneficial for you to try to help yourself by doing a few things:
1. Learn to love and accept yourself the way you are now. It sounds like with the condition that you describe, you are over-thinking everything and it only escalates once you've realized this "panic button" has been pressed and then you over-think that. Then it just escalates from there until you've found yourself in a frenzy. So, when you are in a stable frame of mind you should remind yourself that you do have these excessive thoughts periodically but you've made it through all of them so far and are fully capable of making it through the next one. Everyone has internal struggles, we wouldn't be human if we didn't. You shouldn't feel "weak" by seeking the advice of a professional, and those who are adamantly against it are those who need it most, so don't let anyone make you feel less because of it.
2. You sound like you're a person who could be very sensitive to external stimuli. You mentioned that you're in college and live in a hectic house and that you are never completely alone. I am sensitive person also and college was hell for me, I just didn't realize how bad it was until I got out. I can't handle so much commotion in my life, I always need my own space of solitude to retreat to otherwise my mind goes crazy also. You should definitely try to get this needed space in your life whether it's finding a new place to live or if that's not feasible, just taking regular walks in nature, or going to a coffee house alone and sitting by yourself with headphones and just watching the world but not engaging...just anything that gives you some personal thinking time.
3. There are plenty of good books you can read that touch on these topics. Just go into the self-help section of any bookstore or library. It sounds like you are a fairly grounded person in that at least you know you are being irrational in your thinking so you are open to learning and letting go of unwanted behaviors. You should realize that this type of thinking was a learned behavior that you've deiced to pick up for some reason, you'll have to dig within yourself to find out the cause, but that it can also be unlearned and replaced with a better response. Different things work for different people but if you're diligent you can find out what helps you. Maybe it would help to write in a journal some thoughts on your mind and then leave the thought there, and when you find yourself starting to think of it, stop and remind yourself that it's already in your journal. It takes practice and dedication, you'll have to remind yourself over and over but in a few days, weeks, whatever it takes, you'll notice that even if you didn't let yourself worry something to death, you're still okay.
4. This is going to sound all new-agey but again, whatever works. Maybe you could think of everything in your world (your friends, your mother, your brother, etc) as just extensions of yourself. If they say something that makes you feel as if they are secretly trying to tell you something (like with the brother and blonde girl who likes you comment) just understand that that is something YOU have been worrying about. You are just pulling the meaning out of your own head. If it doesn't suit you just discard it and realize that it's your own unique feeling and see your brother as just your brother who is saying something completely arbitrary.
Remember that the Law of Attraction states that whatever we are thinking is what comes to us. It doesn't make a difference to the law if we are thinking I do want something or I don't want something, if you're thinking it that's what you get. If you've been thinking about this girl liking you who you don't like back, or whatever, then anything anyone says remotely close to that idea is what you're going to pick up on. You just have to retrain your mind to find a better solution than going in spirals. Easier said than done, I know, but I think by posting this you are already on your way to figuring this out either with help or on your own. Good luck, moe!
posted by anniepants at 10:27 PM on February 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
I agree with everyone here that going to see a counselor of some type is an excellent idea.
I'd also recommend you take up something like yoga. I've found that when I start getting really stressed out and having disordered thought patterns and anxiety, which happens to me sometimes, an hour of yoga (I do the bikram kind, any will do) really works to shut off those racing thoughts and calm me down.
Remember this when you're feeling like you 'shouldn't' get treatment or take drugs or whatever-- giving in to the anxiety/depression/ocd/whatever is what's really giving up. Getting treatment is fighting.
Good luck. You'll be OK. Get some help. You might find that you'll be able to manage with therapy; or you might need drugs. Either way, you should be proud of yourself for tackling the problem.
Oh yeah, PS, even if your college pays for counseling or medical care, you are still entitled to confidentiality, and unless you tell your parents, they won't know.
posted by miss tea at 5:11 AM on February 18, 2008
I'd also recommend you take up something like yoga. I've found that when I start getting really stressed out and having disordered thought patterns and anxiety, which happens to me sometimes, an hour of yoga (I do the bikram kind, any will do) really works to shut off those racing thoughts and calm me down.
Remember this when you're feeling like you 'shouldn't' get treatment or take drugs or whatever-- giving in to the anxiety/depression/ocd/whatever is what's really giving up. Getting treatment is fighting.
Good luck. You'll be OK. Get some help. You might find that you'll be able to manage with therapy; or you might need drugs. Either way, you should be proud of yourself for tackling the problem.
Oh yeah, PS, even if your college pays for counseling or medical care, you are still entitled to confidentiality, and unless you tell your parents, they won't know.
posted by miss tea at 5:11 AM on February 18, 2008
I just wanted to let you know that you sound very much like I was in my early 20s. I sought help, was diagnosed with panic disorder, and I'm much, much better. My panic attacks are few and far between, and when they come on I can think "Oh, there's those thoughts again" rather than freak out. I didn't go psychotic, I didn't hurt myself or anyone else.
Seeing a doctor is about improving your quality of life. If your air conditioner was broken, you'd get it fixed because you don't want to be sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable all the time. Don't let your thoughts make you uncomfortable all the time either. This is really, really treatable and manageable.
posted by desjardins at 6:44 AM on February 18, 2008
Seeing a doctor is about improving your quality of life. If your air conditioner was broken, you'd get it fixed because you don't want to be sticky and sweaty and uncomfortable all the time. Don't let your thoughts make you uncomfortable all the time either. This is really, really treatable and manageable.
posted by desjardins at 6:44 AM on February 18, 2008
and I DO NOT want my parents knowing that I am going to a mind doctor. My mom found out I was taking Zoloft and just seemed really sad like she had done something wrong and it made me feel horrible.
How would you feel if you found out your mom was ill and needed to see a doctor? Sad, right? Of course she was sad. She loves you and doesn't want you to be sick. And moms are very good at making themselves feel guilty when their kids are not well, even their adult kids. And of course your mom doesn't see you as an adult--you're still her little boy, and she feels like she should have protected you.
Tell her you are having anxiety attacks. Tell her that they scare you. Tell her you are getting help. She may not understand about mental illness, and she may want to convince you not to take medication which might 'change your personality' (it won't, but a lot of people think they will) and she may feel guilty that you need a mind doctor. But she's your mom and she loves you and she'll support you. And however bad she feels when you tell her, she'll feel ten thousand times worse if she finds out that you needed help and didn't go to her.
Good luck to you.
posted by happyturtle at 12:26 PM on February 18, 2008
How would you feel if you found out your mom was ill and needed to see a doctor? Sad, right? Of course she was sad. She loves you and doesn't want you to be sick. And moms are very good at making themselves feel guilty when their kids are not well, even their adult kids. And of course your mom doesn't see you as an adult--you're still her little boy, and she feels like she should have protected you.
Tell her you are having anxiety attacks. Tell her that they scare you. Tell her you are getting help. She may not understand about mental illness, and she may want to convince you not to take medication which might 'change your personality' (it won't, but a lot of people think they will) and she may feel guilty that you need a mind doctor. But she's your mom and she loves you and she'll support you. And however bad she feels when you tell her, she'll feel ten thousand times worse if she finds out that you needed help and didn't go to her.
Good luck to you.
posted by happyturtle at 12:26 PM on February 18, 2008
Firstly, give yourself a pat on the back and a hug for being introspective enough that things may not be as they could with your brain chemistry.
You are getting anxiety attacks. I've been there. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I felt like a leaf floating down a stream where I had no control.
I've been on antidepressants, to get my feet on the ground. Sure made for some clearer thinking. It was accompanied with therapy. Definitely don't just take antidepressants prescribed by your gp without therapy.
What helped a lot for me was CBT [Cognitive Behavioural Therapy] and the book which I had to read was Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, PHD & Christine A. Padesky, PHD. It's a homework book, where you write down your moods, feelings and why.
At its root is your mind will believe anything you tell it to believe. Negative thinking begets more negative thoughts etc. This book helps rewire your thinking process so it becomes natural to think positively, avoiding that spiraling negativity and anxiousness. In short.
ITMT, stay off rec drugs [or pain killers used recreationally] and alcohol, that self medicating isn't going to help you today.
Hang tough, it won't change you overnight, but keep at it and you'll see the progress you make.
posted by alicesshoe at 2:40 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
You are getting anxiety attacks. I've been there. It seemed to come out of nowhere and I felt like a leaf floating down a stream where I had no control.
I've been on antidepressants, to get my feet on the ground. Sure made for some clearer thinking. It was accompanied with therapy. Definitely don't just take antidepressants prescribed by your gp without therapy.
What helped a lot for me was CBT [Cognitive Behavioural Therapy] and the book which I had to read was Mind Over Mood by Dennis Greenberger, PHD & Christine A. Padesky, PHD. It's a homework book, where you write down your moods, feelings and why.
At its root is your mind will believe anything you tell it to believe. Negative thinking begets more negative thoughts etc. This book helps rewire your thinking process so it becomes natural to think positively, avoiding that spiraling negativity and anxiousness. In short.
ITMT, stay off rec drugs [or pain killers used recreationally] and alcohol, that self medicating isn't going to help you today.
Hang tough, it won't change you overnight, but keep at it and you'll see the progress you make.
posted by alicesshoe at 2:40 PM on February 18, 2008 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Ok, I got an apointment scheduled with my doctor tomorrow. I guess I'll talk to him/her and see what the deal is. Today has been pretty good . i've had a couple weird triggers like i was listening to the radio and suicidal tendencies (the band) came on and usually I like them but with what happened yesterday the music started to freak me out so I had to change it. heh.
For the most part i've been able to be like, ok you are just having a panic attack everythings fine. its just so damn weird feeling. anyways, I'll let yall know how it goes, thanks for the support.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:05 PM on February 18, 2008
For the most part i've been able to be like, ok you are just having a panic attack everythings fine. its just so damn weird feeling. anyways, I'll let yall know how it goes, thanks for the support.
posted by thefamousmoe at 4:05 PM on February 18, 2008
OMG, I'm so proud of you!! :) Please do keep us posted.
posted by anniepants at 6:35 PM on February 18, 2008
posted by anniepants at 6:35 PM on February 18, 2008
Good to hear you had the caution to schedule an appointment even if you've been feeling better. I probably don't even need to tell you this, but just remember: you still need to have that caution once more, at your doctor's tomorrow. If you're like me, you might be tempted to take the "easy" way out and play down your problems, if you happen to feel mostly OK at the time. Your plan to print out the post for the doctor sounds like an excellent way to help you keep yourself honest; make sure you stick to it.
What sometimes helps me prepare to hard situations is to leave convoluted rationalizations aside and imagine how I'll feel afterwards if I have followed through, compare it to how I'll feel if have not, and then keep in mind how heavily the scale tips towards doing the right thing.
Good luck.
posted by Anything at 7:48 PM on February 18, 2008
What sometimes helps me prepare to hard situations is to leave convoluted rationalizations aside and imagine how I'll feel afterwards if I have followed through, compare it to how I'll feel if have not, and then keep in mind how heavily the scale tips towards doing the right thing.
Good luck.
posted by Anything at 7:48 PM on February 18, 2008
Response by poster: im at the doctors office waiting...i am so freaking nervous.
posted by thefamousmoe at 7:54 AM on February 19, 2008
posted by thefamousmoe at 7:54 AM on February 19, 2008
I hope your visit went well!
posted by herbaliser at 4:35 PM on February 19, 2008
posted by herbaliser at 4:35 PM on February 19, 2008
Response by poster: heres the update. thanks for all that helped me.
doc put me on prozac which i was a little iffy about cause im not depressed but apparently its good for panic attacks and ocd too which is was i got. she said she didnt have a fear of me trying to kill myself and i shouldnt either. i'll have to be on this stuff for like 6-9 months, and go to a guidance counsilor to learn anti anxiety techniques.
but ive been doing a lot better. havent had any spikes, or rather, havent allowed them to overtake me.
posted by thefamousmoe at 11:08 PM on February 25, 2008
doc put me on prozac which i was a little iffy about cause im not depressed but apparently its good for panic attacks and ocd too which is was i got. she said she didnt have a fear of me trying to kill myself and i shouldnt either. i'll have to be on this stuff for like 6-9 months, and go to a guidance counsilor to learn anti anxiety techniques.
but ive been doing a lot better. havent had any spikes, or rather, havent allowed them to overtake me.
posted by thefamousmoe at 11:08 PM on February 25, 2008
Things to know about 'zac, which I've seen doctors forget to tell people:
1. It takes a while (a month or so) to come on properly. For that first month, you might feel a little weird occasionally. Ride that out - it's all part of the plan.
2. If Prozac is just not doing the job after two months, it may be that it doesn't suit you (in which case there's every chance that one of the other SSRI family will do better) or that your dosage isn't right. Keep your doctor informed about how you're doing in case either the medication or the dose needs adjusting.
3. When you come off Prozac, wean yourself off slowly. Prozac cold turkey is a rough ride that there's absolutely no need for you to have. So when it's time for you and 'zac to part ways, ramp your dosage down in small steps over the course of about six weeks.
I'm very glad you got help, and I'm sure you'll find that the world is a better place to be once your own mind has stopped beating you up. Well done, and good luck.
posted by flabdablet at 5:55 PM on February 26, 2008
1. It takes a while (a month or so) to come on properly. For that first month, you might feel a little weird occasionally. Ride that out - it's all part of the plan.
2. If Prozac is just not doing the job after two months, it may be that it doesn't suit you (in which case there's every chance that one of the other SSRI family will do better) or that your dosage isn't right. Keep your doctor informed about how you're doing in case either the medication or the dose needs adjusting.
3. When you come off Prozac, wean yourself off slowly. Prozac cold turkey is a rough ride that there's absolutely no need for you to have. So when it's time for you and 'zac to part ways, ramp your dosage down in small steps over the course of about six weeks.
I'm very glad you got help, and I'm sure you'll find that the world is a better place to be once your own mind has stopped beating you up. Well done, and good luck.
posted by flabdablet at 5:55 PM on February 26, 2008
That's really nice to hear! One more piece of evidence that the world is pretty OK sometimes. Thanks for the good news.
posted by Anything at 6:19 PM on February 27, 2008
posted by Anything at 6:19 PM on February 27, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
Yes.
It sounds like you need immediate professional help, which you should seek by going to a hospital.
I anticipate near-unanimous agreement by other commenters.
posted by jayder at 3:30 PM on February 17, 2008