What do I do with this money?

February 16, 2008 2:05 PM

Recently I flew to visit a good friend. I went to help with the baby while her husband was away. When I got there, her husband gave me a check for the amount of my airfare (about $250), stating that they wanted to pay for my fare because "you won't really be having a vacation."

I refused to take the check, told him it was unnecessary because I was happy to help out. He insisted. I tried to leave the check when it was time to go, but my friend put it in my suitcase. So, my question is, what should I do with this check? Keep in mind: None of us are hurting for money or independently wealthy; and she and I have been friends for over 20 years. One thought I had was to cash it and donate an equivalent amount to a charity I know she supports. What should I do?

posted by Shoggoth to human relations (20 comments total)

Their insistence on you taking the check means that they feel some sort of guilt about your flying all the way there to help them. Thus, I think it would be better to cash the check and then use about half of the money to send a wonderful gift for the baby.
posted by meerkatty at 2:08 PM on February 16

Cash the check, spend the money on yourself. It's what they would want, and you should stop overthinking it and just enjoy the gift.
posted by davejay at 2:12 PM on February 16

Please keep and cash it - they want to give you a gift, don't throw it back at them. (A baby gift is a nice idea, but keep it simple, not extravagant, or that, also, throws it back at them.)
posted by tristeza at 2:13 PM on February 16

Buy yourself something nice and send them a thank-you letter describing it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:18 PM on February 16 [4 favorites]

You did your friendly duty by refusing at least once. Now you can just enjoy the money since that's what they want you to do.
posted by PinkButterfly at 2:24 PM on February 16

Put it in a 529 Educational Savings plan and give it to the kid a graduation gift 18 years from now.
posted by advicepig at 2:33 PM on February 16 [17 favorites]

Here is how I interpret their gesture. They were thinking, "We love Shoggoth. We don't want to take advantage of her or we might lose her friendship and support". Taken in those terms, $250 buck is bargain for a true friend. Accept the gift and do something nice for yourself. Let them know how much you appreciated it.

Next time, before you go let them know that you don't expect and won't accept that generosity again. It would be better to wait to bring that up until your next trip.
posted by 26.2 at 2:34 PM on February 16

Advicepig's got it.
posted by nax at 2:34 PM on February 16

At this point, you can't return the money to them without being rude -- you tried (twice) and they were very clear that it is a gift to you. I think using some of it for a gift for the baby, and some of it on something for yourself, respects the spirit in which the money was given and your relationship with them. Sometimes the only polite thing to do is to take the gift and say thank you, whether or not you want or need it.

What you will have to sort out with your friend is how to handle your next trip out to see the baby -- preemptively refuse their money, accept it but with conditions, find a different way to reciprocate, etc.
posted by Forktine at 2:57 PM on February 16

Keep in mind that they are not trying to negate the gift of your help by paying for it, they are thinking that it is enough for you to come and help out when they needed you, you shouldn't have to pay to do it (for airfare).
Even paying for the airfare they are left having received a wonderful gift of help from you.
posted by InkaLomax at 3:08 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

PS: they have waaaaay more than $250 worth of happiness that you were there to help them out like this. A good friend to provide friendship, time, energy and care to a new mom and her baby? I know you were happy to do it, and to have husband-less time with your friend and her child, but they're just so grateful to have thoughtful, 24/7 baby and mom care from a longterm friend that it seemed like a bargain. The husband's statement of 'you're not getting a vacation' is him projecting. They didn't want you to feel taken advantage of, nor that you'd assume all future interactions would have them saying, "soooo...wanna come for another visit? hint, hint."

I know it feels weird to accept money from a friend, but if you can imagine it from their perspective, they felt weird about accepting such intimate, deep, tiring and longterm care from a friend, and wanted to equalize it out. This is hardly, "let me hold the baby while you shower." You did a great thing, and they just wanted to make sure you didn't feel used in the process.

Get a little something for yourself, then around mother's day, send the new mom a massage certificate for a local spa. She'll have forgotten about the check by then, and the kid doesn't need anything right now. Or sure, buy a CD or 529 for the kid.
posted by barometer at 3:14 PM on February 16 [1 favorite]

She wants you to enjoy that money. So enjoy it already.

Why stress over something so silly?
posted by SlyBevel at 4:37 PM on February 16

Thanks, everyone for your responses. This was very helpful. :-)
posted by Shoggoth at 4:41 PM on February 16

sheesh; you're a good egg! Accept the money, give 10 percent to little angels pug rescue and spend the rest on a sporty new whatever.
posted by flowerofhighrank at 8:02 PM on February 16

If you really don't want the money, put it in some sort of savings account/bonds/whatever for the baby's college fund. Send it to them when the baby turns 1.
posted by SassHat at 8:04 PM on February 16

Those of you talking about 529 savings plans, please read the rules. They're to pay for college expenses, not for a gift at 18. Also, they're for family members, not children of friends.
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:43 AM on February 17

Seconding Barometer's spa idea, but the gift cert still feels a bit like you're pushing it back to them. Spas in my area do twofers - packages designed for two people. If you go with her to the spa, you both are getting something. No guilt or obligation on either side, then, and you both get a chance to relax and spend some non-mommy time together.
posted by Grrlscout at 5:33 AM on February 17

Let them be generous - your gift to them.
posted by plep at 12:16 PM on February 17

Accept it. Let them thank you. And be thankful that you are both kind considerate people!

I wouldn't even try to use the money to buy something for them or the kid. If they are OK financially (even though they aren't wealthy) I'm sure they can afford the 529 and anything else they need.

It is important for them to be able to say thank you with something more tangible than hugs and words. And I know that you want to demonstrate that you were not doing this for the money. But as 26.2 and barometer said, they got way more than their money's worth. So by keeping the money you both get to be fulfilled. No go out to a fancy restaurant or something!
posted by bitteroldman at 12:54 PM on February 18

http://www.collegesavings.org/commonQuestions.aspx#question6

Actually JimN2TAW, 529 accounts can be opened by anyone, but the money must be spent on educational expenses. Mrs. Advicepig and I have started a few for family friends.
posted by advicepig at 7:16 PM on February 18