Does this guy like me or what?

February 14, 2008 8:17 PM

Does it sound like this guy is interested in me or not? I'm getting mixed signals here.

A while back, a couple of guy friends began mentioning to me that a friend of theirs (we'll call him "Kyle") was interested in me. I eventually agreed to have one of my guy friends, "Todd," encourage Kyle to ask me out at a mutual friend's upcoming party. I thought Kyle was good-looking, and in chatting with him at previous get-togethers, I thought he seemed cool and that we had a decent rapport.

Long story short, things seem to go well between Kyle and me at the party. Although we both seem a bit nervous, we chat and eventually he suggests that we "get a drink sometime." I agree. The next day, he invites me and a couple of other people to a happy hour event. Although Kyle has to leave early and we don't get much of a chance to talk separately, he still seems interested in me. Kyle then leaves for a vacation in Africa.

Here comes the part where I do something stupid. A few days ago, while hanging out with one of my guy friends at a coffee shop, he gets up to use the restroom. I see a recent email from Kyle on my friend's laptop. Against my better judgment, I open it. It turns out to be part of an email discussion between Todd, Kyle and my other guy friend. Todd begins the discussion (which occurred a day or so after Kyle had asked me out at the party) by commenting that a female friend of theirs, "Lucy," looks hot that day. Kyle replies that Lucy is a 99/100 on the hotness scale that day and makes a joke about how he wishes she'd ask him out.

Is this just normal sophomoric male behavior, or does it suggest that Kyle isn't that interested in me after all? I know the real litmus test will be whether Kyle asks me out when he returns from Africa, and I know Kyle didn't initiate the email discussion, but I just thought it was odd that he'd say something like that to Todd after Todd had tried to set something up between Kyle and me. I also thought it was strange that Todd never asked me how things went with Kyle after the party, although I know Todd had a lot of other things going on at the time.

posted by zembla3 to human relations (27 comments total)

totally normal male behavior. He'll still be interested when he comes back, and he'll call you. He's clearly really shy, I wouldn't worry about too much about it. His only punishment? I would give him a shorter leash when he does call you.

And don't ever, ever mention that you read those emails. Those are inside "guy code" emails, and you don't really know the context of, or if he's talking about an inside joke, or there's some back story to it. If you tell him you read the email, he'll think you're crazy.
posted by unexpected at 8:23 PM on February 14

UGH. Never ever ever ever ever read anyone's email ever ever ever ever again. It is a vile thing to do. I'm not finishing my comment until you promise.






Okay.

It sounds like he was mildly interested but may be equally (mildly) interested in other people. You haven't said how much time has passed since you were told this so it's hard to say if it was probably just a passing fancy or if there's still any point in pursuing it. But if you're interested and sitting around trying to pass ESP messages or smoke signals that he should ask you out, I really, strongly advise you to cut the bull and just ask him out. Then you don't have to feel like you're at anyone else's mercy -- his friends' or his.
posted by loiseau at 8:26 PM on February 14

I wouldn't worry about it. A guy doesn't stop thinking other women are good looking just because he's interested in one particular gal, you know?
posted by kitty teeth at 8:26 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

It is entirely possible for a guy to be interested in more than one woman at one time. Since you have no evidence that he's not interested in you, just relax and wait for Kyle to return from Africa. Since he may think you may have found someone else in the meantime, you might think about asking him out, rather than waiting for him to ask you.
posted by cerebus19 at 8:26 PM on February 14

What it suggests to me is that Kyle may well be interested in you. But...quite possibly not interested in you only. Not infatuated with you, not after you exclusively, not rejecting all other female attention in order to win you.

This doesn't make him a bad person...after all he's not with anyone and he may be just hedging his bets. And if you do get with him, I'm not saying he's likely to cheat. I'm just saying that at the moment you may be just one of a number of options for him.

So you can either become that option and try to make an honest man out of him, or wait around until you find someone who's really into you and no-one else.
posted by Jimbob at 8:27 PM on February 14

I really, really wouldn't worry about this. I mean as far as "boy talk" goes this is about as tame as it comes anyway. It appears he likes you and is interested in going out with you, but he isn't in a relationship with you and he doesn't even know you that well. At this point of course you aren't the only girl on his mind. This isn't a bad thing, it's totally normal. Also, guys don't talk about these things like girls do. While girls will run and tell 15 of their closest friends when a guy they like asks them out, guys frequently don't even ask each other. I have lots of guys friends that often don't know major things about their very close friends relationships. Random drunken hook up? Some hot girl? Sure they'll talk for days, but some nice girl he likes and want to ask out? Eh maybe, maybe not. So to sum up, this means nothing and stop reading other people's emails.
posted by whoaali at 8:27 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Is he interested in someone who reads others' mail?

Hmmmm... unlikely.

Are random people on the intarweb going to be a better judge of his interest than, say, asking the bloke?

Super unlikely.
posted by pompomtom at 8:28 PM on February 14

He can think another girl is hot and still be interested in dating you. People are complex. Don't worry too much about it.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:34 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

I'm just saying that at the moment you may be just one of a number of options for him.

And he for you. Bears repeating!
posted by hermitosis at 8:44 PM on February 14

What everybody else said. Standard guy talk.

With something added on top: if he is actually quite keen on you, he may be wanting to hide that a bit from his mates - you know, that whole vulnerability thing & not wanting to appear too eager...? The simplest way to do that is with some sort of feigned or jokey 'interest' in somebody else.

And if the email exchange was "Hey, didn't zembla3 look cute the other night?", he'd most likely be all "Huh? Oh, her. Yeh, OK I guess...but what about that Lucy, hey? Phwoooaaar!"
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:58 PM on February 14

btw, I don't think the question was "am i bad for reading others' emails?"

can we try to answer the question & stop passing judgement on zembla3?
posted by UbuRoivas at 8:59 PM on February 14 [3 favorites]

It is entirely possible for a guy to be interested in more than one woman at one time

Yeah, this. You're not married. That he commented on the desirability of another female doesn't necessarily have any correlation to his level of interest in you.
posted by ludwig_van at 9:21 PM on February 14

You are wildly overthinking. Guys are more complex than you would think, and by that I mean, perfectly capable of wanting to fuck multiple things at the same time. (In every sense.)

Also, NEVER tell him you read the email, NEVER bring up the girl in question in comparison to you, NEVER ask him what he thinks of her and try not to do it again. It's begging for trouble.

(Yes, I'm being tongue-in-cheek, but both points stand.)
posted by disillusioned at 9:33 PM on February 14

That's the standard guy response. It's like the scripted "how are you"/"fine".
"How about that [girl], hey?"/"Hell yeah, you know what I'd do with her?..."

It means she wasn't ugly. Or nothing. Sometimes guys just make meaningless talk just to say hi to each other.
posted by ctmf at 10:05 PM on February 14

If he hadn't actually been out with you, then there's no reason why he wouldn't want another '99/100' girl to ask him out. The fact that he's pursuing you and not her suggests that he likes you more. Don't worry.

And don't read email.
posted by twirlypen at 10:40 PM on February 14

Sometimes guys just make meaningless talk just to say hi to each other.

heh. so true. it's a bonding thing, not unlike "so, how about them [local sporting team]?" only less risky & potentially contentious.

not that it happens all the time, or that all guys do it - mind you - but any response other than endorsing the hotness of the girl in question is not only a social faux pas, but it also exposes you to suspicions of being gay, and that's just not on.

different rules apply if a guy is already partnered, but that's another story.
posted by UbuRoivas at 10:56 PM on February 14

Oh for heaven's sake. If he took you out and he was instantly uninterested in everyone else, that would be creepy.

Now go friggin find out how much he likes you. And do it the conventionaleffective way, by being around him, during which time you use opportunities to get slightly closer to him and see whether he uses opportunities to get slightly closer to you.
posted by eritain at 11:01 PM on February 14 [1 favorite]

Okay, this may be a dumb question, but ... is there any reason you can't ask Kyle out when he comes back from Africa? It's really the simplest solution to your quandary.
posted by bettafish at 11:05 PM on February 14

You're overthinking this. Either email the guy in Africa and ask him, or just wait and see how things are when he gets back. Unless you give me his phone number and I ask him myself, I have no inside knowledge here that you don't.

Just because you begin dating someone won't mean that you don't think that Brad Pitt or whomever isn't sexy. And if you are out for drinks with your friend and she says "wow that bartender is smoking hawt!" you will probably nod and agree, without that implying anything about your relationship with your actual boyfriend.

So who knows -- the guy may be a creep who will discuss details of your body with his friends, or he might just be a normal person who enjoys looking at attractive people. Either way, there isn't much you can do to control it.
posted by Forktine at 4:17 AM on February 15

The fact that he says "99/100" suggests to me that he's a classy guy. Guy talk, even casual guy talk, can get a LOT more racy than that. A guy talking in abstract to his friends probably won't be the kind of guy to kiss and tell (explicitly) if he's with a girl.

Just ask him out.

Also, don't read email ever, don't tell him you read that email. Even when a guy is dating you he may talk about hot girls with friends, even if he will never cheat. If this email upset you, you should not *ever* read the email of a significant other, it'll freak you out unnecessarily.
posted by ®@ at 5:14 AM on February 15

Is this just normal sophomoric male behavior, or does it suggest that Kyle isn't that interested in me after all?

No, it's normal male behavior, there's nothing in your description that's sophomoric about it.

Sophomoric would have been if the guy had gone on about he would love to be her underwear for a day or would like to ride that pony or some such. Saying she's hot and "makes a joke about how he wishes she'd ask him out" makes him sound like an adult guy worth asking out.

And stop reading friends emails just 'cause it's about a guy you like. That type of behavior can kill a relationship, whether it's been going on for a while, new or not even started.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 5:58 AM on February 15

He likes you and is shy. Don't have to ask him out, but just be more flirty.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:16 AM on February 15

[a few comments removed -- aphorisms and latin are not really useful for helping people solve problems]
posted by jessamyn at 7:32 AM on February 15 [1 favorite]

Yeah. Just normal guy behavior. Also, don't read other peoples' email.

Sounds like he's interested in you. But you haven't even gone on a solo date yet. There's really no exclusivity yet. Just keep pursuing him. Tell him you've enjoyed talking to him. Suggest a solo date.
posted by gauchodaspampas at 7:55 AM on February 15

Kyle replies that Lucy is a 99/100 on the hotness scale that day and makes a joke about how he wishes she'd ask him out.

Stick a fork in. You're done. Don't waste your time. He's keeping his options open. And he sounds very immature.

Guys are simple. If they like a girl, they will let her know. Tests, IMs, emails and/or phone calls will be pouring in.

Also, let's say he's "really shy" (I'm going to fall asleep at the keyboard because of how cliche this is) and you end up having a relationship. You will find that you will be initiating everything -- calls, text conversations, dates. If that's your cup of tea, good on you.
posted by bondgirl53001 at 11:43 AM on February 15

bondgirl: I disagree in everyway possible.
Guys are not that simple. They can be interested in more than one person at a time. They may not be overwhelming you with emails and calls if they are not sure about your level of interest. Just because he is shy right now while unsure of your level of interest doesn't mean that he will boring and completely unproactive while you date.

I think is at least partially interested, definately no reason to give up on him yet, though you might want to start flirting more/sending clearer signals of your interest.
posted by vegetableagony at 11:53 AM on February 15

I agree with Vegetableagony.
Im shy in that way but in a relationship the opposite.

to the OP. it'll likely be frustrating if u dont ask him out and not give him the chance of inviting other people. Something low key where u have a chance to talk lots and not run into other people he knows. If its anything like me that kind of shyness manifests when not knowing someone very well. Once that barrier gets broken things get easier.
posted by browolf at 3:23 AM on February 16