Losing virginity

February 11, 2008 1:45 PM

I've lost my religion and now I am going to lose my v-card, please help.

Last night I went out on a date with someone and it went really really well. I'm 24, he's 30. At the end of the date, he asked to see me again and we made plans for date #2.

I'm a virgin. This is because I have only recently left a strict christian religion I was raised in that forbid premarital sex (mormonism). He knows I recently left this religion, but not that I am a virgin (he probably suspects it). We're in utah, so it's not like he's not familiar with the culture around here.

If things with this guy develop into a committed relationship, I definitely would want to explore things and lose my v-card with him.

However, I don't want to lose it to someone I am not absolutely secure about and with. Losing my v-card is a big deal to me and I don't want to end up being used and dumped by some jerk.

For me this translates into that the guy is my boyfriend and we've been boyfriend/girlfriend for at least 4 or 5 months and things are going well.

So tomorrow we'll go out, and I definitely see us maybe having a kiss at the end of the date. Then if this is like other relationships after three or more dates we'll probably make out at which point I have no idea what to do or say, as I'm used to being with guys of my same religion so its just unspoken that it would never go any further.

What do I say to him at this point? If I could just say it flat out, it'd be "Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

And maybe that's exactly what I should say.

How and when do I bring this up? It seems presumptuous to lay it out like that while we're just getting to know eachother.

How would most guys take a speech like that, assuming they really like the girl? Is there another more graceful way I can say it? Does this seem unreasonable of me?

posted by anonymous to human relations (42 comments total)

I would appreciate such forthrightness and honesty. Too often, women will play games instead of coming out and saying where I really stand.

If he doesn't stay around, then he's not the right one.
posted by reenum at 1:51 PM on February 11, 2008 [3 favorites]

Isn't it more presumptuous to assume he'll be the one to punch your v-card...whatever that really means. Using such a strange phrase kind of makes it seem like a non-returnable bottle. You are half of the equation so I don't see why you don't just decide when the time comes. Guys in general don't like speeches. Neither do other humans.
posted by 45moore45 at 1:52 PM on February 11, 2008

You're accustomed to operating according to a certain set of rules, and now you don't know what the rules are. Welcome to the club—neither do the rest of us. This guy no doubt has his own set of expectations and unstated assumptions about dating, but you don't know them, and I'm afraid the rest of us can only guess at them. So you'll need to talk to him about it.

What do I say to him at this point? If I could just say it flat out, it'd be "Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

If those are your terms, yes, you should bring it up and say it. Do not wait until he starts unbuttoning your jeans while you're necking. Are your terms unreasonable? No. But there's a good chance he won't be happy about going along with them.
posted by adamrice at 2:00 PM on February 11, 2008

I think it's good to think about what you want before the time comes, and then talk about it when the time comes. Think about what your limits are and then communicate them clearly to him at the time. Like, hey, I'd really like get physical, but not sex/oral sex/hands down south/etc. Then you can communicate to him when you're ready for the next step.

So just make it clear to him what you want to do and what you don't want to do. But I would buy some condoms or something and keep them around just in case.
posted by lockestockbarrel at 2:00 PM on February 11, 2008

As a guy, I have to say that being up front and honest is (in my opinion) the best thing you can do. The biggest problem I see most people (including myself sometimes) have in relationships is poor (or non-existent) communication.

If you like him, and you think the relationship is going well,.... then tell him. At the same time, dont be clingy and put a bunch of expectations on him, ... You know something like: "I like how this is going and lets just take it slow and make sure its good"... etc,etc

As for the virginity, I've never seen a guy have a problem with a girl being a virgin. I'd venture a guess most guys see this as a "plus". I had a friend I knew for a year or two approach me one day at her house where she basically said (bluntly)..."We dont have to be anywhere for several hours and I'm still a virgin, lets go to the bedroom." To which I was obviously surprised, but (also obviously) thrilled she trusted me enough to "help" her with that.

Few people are experts at sex. Trust each other. Communicate clearly and respectfully (especially about boundaries of what you are comfortable doing) and it should work out OK. If he's a good guy, he'll work with you and (hopefully) make it (the relationship and any potential sex0ring) awesome.
posted by jmnugent at 2:08 PM on February 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. I would maybe not say it quite like that, but being clear about your 'rules' is a good idea. You get to make the rules about your body.
posted by d4nj450n at 2:09 PM on February 11, 2008

Doesn't seem unreasonable to me at all. And I'm a gay guy who lost his v-card before he had a driver's license.

First, wait until it comes up. That may be decisively comes up -- i.e., you're on the couch, making out like mad, and he says, "Why don't we take this into the bedroom?" -- or less dramatically so, during a long, soulful conversation about what the two of you expect in a relationship. Realisitically, it's probably going to come up the first way, so you're right in wanting to be prepared. Still, you're also right in that seems presumptuous to tackle the issue on Date #2, over the tiramisu: "So, btw, I left the Mormon church not that long ago, but I'm still a virgin and I'd like to keep it that way unless this is going to be something special, and that doesn't mean that I expect you to marry me before it happens, but if you're going to be a typical guy and dump me after you've had a piece of my ass, then I think we should get the check, like, right now. Agreed?"

You seem pretty cool, pretty easy-going. Keep the discussion short, sweet, and honest. I get the sense you'll know how to say it without having it scripted. But something along the lines of, "Okay, I knew this moment would come, and this is a little awkward for me, but here's the deal: I left the Mormom church not that long ago, but one of the things I still hold pretty dear is, I'm still a virgin. I'm not against pre-marital sex, but I've waited a long time, and I'm committed to waiting until I find someone who I think I'll be with for a decent amount of time. That guy might be you, but at this point, I'd like to be more sure. I hope you can understand and wait. If not, I respect that." Like I said, you'l figure out how to say it *your* way when the time comes.

4-5 months is NOT a long time (although I probably wouldn't mention a specific time frame, because you yourself might feel after, say, 3 months that you're pretty sure) -- any guy unwilling to wait isn't worth giving it away to. You've held on to it for this long -- no sense in rushing to get rid of it.
posted by mrkinla at 2:10 PM on February 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

mrkinla :
(say something like the following to him:)
"Okay, I knew this moment would come, and this is a little awkward for me, but here's the deal: I left the Mormom church not that long ago, but one of the things I still hold pretty dear is, I'm still a virgin. I'm not against pre-marital sex, but I've waited a long time, and I'm committed to waiting until I find someone who I think I'll be with for a decent amount of time. That guy might be you, but at this point, I'd like to be more sure. I hope you can understand and wait. If not, I respect that."

Much more eloquently put than how my advice came across. Kudos to you sir.
posted by jmnugent at 2:14 PM on February 11, 2008

Upon not previewing, I see you asked for a better way to say that. I would say something like this:

So, you know I am was a ____ , and you may have guessed that I am a virgin. Your right, I am. I want to know where I stand on this. I am not opposed to having premarital sex, but I really gotta know this is a real relationship. You can understand that right? I need an exclusive relationship and some time, maybe like 4 or 5 months, so I can be sure. I mean, I am not asking for a ring or anything, I just want the first time to be with some one I really know.

Hope that is helpful.
posted by d4nj450n at 2:17 PM on February 11, 2008

Definitely get it out there before things start getting more physical (past kissing, but perhaps not too much past). The further you get the easier it is to fall to the pressure of just a little bit more. Set limits and don't be afraid to say no. People who don't listen to "No" are not worth it.

Don't let your lizardy hind-brain make you go further than the rest of your brain wants, and it may be tempting.

Don't be afraid to say "Hey, sex is not something I'm going to do at the drop of a hat, so be prepared to have fun with me in ways that don't include sex, for a while."
posted by that girl at 2:19 PM on February 11, 2008

I think it's very good that you're thinking about this now, but I wouldn't worry too much about how it applies to this particular guy. You've been on one date with him. Most dates go nowhere. Wait a little before worrying too much about this situation with this particular guy. I suppose that's really my way of echoing what's been said above: if this guy doesn't get it, he's not the right guy for you. Don't give in to the pressure to give this guy what he wants at the expense of what you want.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:19 PM on February 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

Another vote for up front honesty. I was seeing a girl once who would be very happy to get, uh, intimate, and then would abruptly stop and turn around and go to sleep, leaving me extremely confused. It turns out she had a few events in her past that made her uncomfortable about sex, and once she'd said as much then it was something we could deal with together.

So yes- tell him. An appropriate time would be after it's clear that there is going to be some physical intimacy between you (after you've had a fun old make-out, for example), but before it gets to the point where he could reasonably expect that you're just about to sleep with each other.
posted by twirlypen at 2:26 PM on February 11, 2008

The way you suggested saying is concise and to the point; it sounds fine to me. When to say it: it would probably be a bit awkward bringing it up on the second date, and you can wait a little while. You need to bring the subject up at the point where your date is not on neutral territory - if he invites you round to "watch a movie", it's time to tell him. If he attempts to initiate any below-the-belt activities at any other time, it's time to tell him. Definitely, you should tell him before he is in any situation where he thinks that sexual intercourse is imminent. So probably around the time of the first heavy make-out session would be appropriate.
posted by nowonmai at 2:34 PM on February 11, 2008

"Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

I'd drop the sayonara part (you were being flippant, I know), but other than that I'd go with this, pretty much verbatim. If you have a more serious personality than this, I'd probably switch to one of the alternatives listed above, but if you're the playful sort this is just fine.

It'll take some time to switch to a more forthright style of talking about sex rather than the wink, wink, nod, nod you may be accustomed to but it's totally worth it.

Relationships are a lot like learning to paint. You're gonna screw up for a while but as long as you keep at you'll eventually make beautiful pictures.
posted by unixrat at 2:37 PM on February 11, 2008

I am so not in Utah, but someone ought to pop up on this thread to point out that, while you're 100% entitled to demand that any guy respect any rules you like as far as your participation in sex is concerned, the very best solution for all concerned, and for the future of this relationship, might be if you could begin to think of losing your virginity as less of a big deal. Because the chances of the event itself being a squelchy embarrassment are really rather high.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 2:38 PM on February 11, 2008

If things with this guy develop into a committed relationship

Woah, woah, woah! Who said anything about a relationship?

I suspect that having sex before you're committed as boyfriend-girlfriend isn't very appealing to you, but keep in mind that for many people sex is one of the things they expect before becoming more seriously involved.

If you establish a boundary around your virginity (or sex in general) so that men you're dating can't get any until they commit to being serious or monogamous with you then you need to prepare for a certain amount of rejection.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with setting this goal, and it's probably not even that out of place in your neck of the woods, but just be aware that for some men it will be a turn off.

"Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

This, or something like this is exactly what you should say. You can even phrase it in terms of, "You know, I always thought I'd save myself until marriage. I don't want that anymore, but I definitely want to be in a committed relationship before it happens."

Again, a lot of guys are going to be turned off by this idea. Especially guys in the later 20s or early 30s for whom sex is no longer such a big deal.

How and when do I bring this up? It seems presumptuous to lay it out like that while we're just getting to know eachother.

You can drop hints all along like, "I just want to go slow." But really it shouldn't become an issue until your first make out secession.

The thing you have to be aware of is the guy positioning himself to get laid. If you're out and he invites you back to his place, you have to assume that he thinks he is going to get some.

What you have to do is regulate his expectations. If you're on his couch making out and he says, "Why don't we move this to the bed?" and you say no you're setting him up for a lot of disappointment. If you make it clear it up front that you're willing to make out, but not do anything beyond that then he can at least make a choice whether that is good enough for him or not.

The difference between a tease and someone who doesn't want to go that far is that the tease doesn't clue the guy in that things are only going to progress to a certain point and not beyond that.

Does this seem unreasonable of me?
It seems very young of you. Most women your age have put these feelings behind them and are interested in meeting someone they are compatable with on all levels. Making guys jump through hoops to get laid is... very high schoolish.

I wouldn't date you. In fact I would go running if you unloaded all this on me. If you made it clear on the second date that you don't put out, we could still be friends, but I wouldn't pursue anything romantic with you.

Granted, I'm not the average Utah kind of guy... maybe sexual "purity" is a turn on out there. For me sex is an important part of a relationship and something that I (and the people I date) are interesting in trying out before we meet the parents. If after a few dates I run into some type of resistance then I start to wonder what's wrong with this person.

A few questions to consider:

- Functionally what is the difference between making a guy wait six months or six weeks? Why do you think the extra time spent with the person will lead to some type of better first-time sexual experience? Do you want to be in love with the person you give it up to? If that's the case why not wait till marriage?

- Do you masturbate? Do you own a toy? I ask because sex with someone who doesn't know what they are doing or what they like is not only really awkward, it establishes a bad precedent for other sexual encounters. You need to know what you like and how to communicate that with your future hook-up. (The only reason I mention this is because I come from a painfully religious background also, and I always found it really unfortunate that many women raised in that environment were so clueless about their own bodies.)

- Have you considered the fact that the person you give it up to may not be the person you marry, or even stay in a relationship with long after you give it up?
posted by wfrgms at 2:41 PM on February 11, 2008 [5 favorites]

I agree that you should tell him early on in the relationship. But after one date? Not a smart move. You don't know yet what he wants and if he even thinks that this is going to be a real relationship.

Bring it up when you get the feeling that he is going to be with you for the short term, at least. Like maybe after 5 or 6 dates. It's premature now.

Once you are a little more settled with him, you will probably be more comfortable with bringing up the topic, which is an added bonus.

If things start to move in that direction before 5 or 6 dates, just say "I'm not ready for that yet." You don't need to explain your whole background. If he pushes you on the subject, then he is probably not the kind who is going to stick around anyway. Most good guys will just say "ok" and let it go. Then after a few more dates, you can have the big virginity talk.
posted by rmless at 2:44 PM on February 11, 2008

I disagree with mrkinla that "4-5 months is NOT a long time" (I think most guys would feel it was, and I certainly would), but I agree that "I probably wouldn't mention a specific time frame, because you yourself might feel after, say, 3 months that you're pretty sure"—there's no point tying yourself down to a specified time, even in your own mind. The important thing is that you feel pretty sure he's going to stick around, right? So when you have that feeling, you'll probably want to "go all the way" (do people still say that?).

How can you be really, really sure he's going to stick around? You can't: welcome to the world of romance. It's quite possible that even if you both are sure, one or both of you will change your mind (I got lucky with my first engagement, and our letters breaking it off crossed in the mail). This is one reason you should try not to place such tremendous weight on the losing-your-virginity thing; it would be silly to flagellate yourself if it doesn't work out: "Oh my god, I did it with him and we're not going to be together and now I'm RUINED FOR LIFE!" Try to enjoy it when it happens (I'm sure you're aware the first time is often a disappointment), and be prepared for the possibility that it's just one more rite of passage, not the end of the quest.
posted by languagehat at 2:48 PM on February 11, 2008

I don't remember an episode of Loveline where this question wasn't asked.
posted by travis vocino at 2:56 PM on February 11, 2008

Speaking as a former Mormon, it's probably gonna take less than four months. Hopefully this guy is ok with taking things slow. It's always nicer to have a committed relationship before sex, but in the real world things don't always work that way. Like some guys above said, knowing you won't put out would make a lot of them not want to see you again. Maybe it's easier to find guys who are patient in Utah, I wouldn't know. (This is a lot easier in high school, when EVERY guy has to be patient.)

If you really want this guy to be your first, maybe you should compromise on the relationship. It's possible to have a healthy sex life with someone you aren't 100% in love with. If the relationship can't be compromised, you should try not to be so set on this guy. It'll happen when it happens. And don't be shocked at how totally amazing this sex thing is, either.
posted by herbaliser at 2:59 PM on February 11, 2008

Tell him to wait. If he asks you out again, well then there's your answer. And I don't think that's crass or naive. I'm a 57 year old woman who has been there.

Anecdote: I was once "dating" a guy, who, if I said "not tonight honey I have a headache" would go into overload courting mode. Backrubs, you name it, anything. He usually had his way within an hour.
posted by andreap at 3:05 PM on February 11, 2008

I disagree with wfrgms. It's true, many woman have put this idea of sex behind them at your age--but only because those women have had sex since they were in their teens to late teens or early twenties. For most people, losing their virginity was a Big Deal and they wanted it with someone special. So you wanting the same is nothing different. Some guys will be turned off--but you don't want those kinds of guys, anyway. I wouldn't mind dating a 24-year-old virgin.

I think you should be upfront about your expectations. Bringing it up abruptly on the second date could be awkward, though. Let it happen more naturally.

wfrgms does make a good point about exploring your sexuality. If you have explored masturbation, whatever, or just feeling comfortable with sexual feelings, it will make the experience a lot easier for you and your partner. You'll have a better idea of what's going on and what turns you on, and you will feel a lot less nervous when the time comes (and in the case of sex, psychological comfort is very connected to physical comfort).
posted by schroedinger at 3:14 PM on February 11, 2008

I gotta tell ya, committed or not, my feeling is that if you have to give the event a cute name ("losing my v-card"), you're not really ready to deal with the repercussions that you'll deal with. It doesn't matter if you've the left the Faith...has it left YOU yet? It took me a very long time to get over the whole Catholic Guilt (tm) thing.

If your goal is to have a relationship before sex--first time or not--then focus on the relationship, not the sex. Don't play the tease and let him get to "third base" (there's a cute name for you) on the second date. Get to know one another. If you honestly open up to each other and get to know each other well enough to have the relationship you want, the sex discussion will happen naturally, and you'll feel a hell of a lot more comfortable about the whole thing.
posted by foxydot at 3:17 PM on February 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

I came from a no-premarital sex background myself, and then left that in college. I thought I would still insist on having a boyfriend before putting out. Then I started actually letting the ideas of nice but horny guys influence that, and I didn't end up horribly scarred. This is supposedly a stupid and non-feminist thing to do, but it really helped me mature in my outlook on relationships and get away from the narrow view of them that had been presented to me at home.

You can have standards, but they need to be carefully thought out if you're going to stick by them rigidly, so ask yourself what your 4-5 months timeline is really based on. Is it just a way of attaching a marker to things that are harder to quantify? I think it is. Try to articulate what you really expect by 4-5 months that makes you think that will be when you're ready for sex. Do you need to trust the guy? Of course. But how much? Trust to pull you from flaming wreckage? Or just trust to remember your birthday? There will be other criteria too, and you can't really be sure that saying 4-5 months is accurate shorthand for what is really a vague list of needs, needs that may change depending on you, and the guy, and time.

So drop the artificial waiting period, and tell your guy after a few dates that you need to progress slowly and you'll let him know when it feels right for you, and that time won't be tomorrow or next week. If I were the guy, I would be much more willing to wait for that day than "4-5 months." Be open to that day whether it comes three weeks or three months into your relationship, and if the guy seems respectful and smart and considerate, let him steer you towards it. This does not mean let him pressure you into taking your pants off in an intense moment, but talk to him and listen to his thoughts on sex and relationships and see what you agree with.

You have the challenging task of creating your own set of values around sex ahead of you, now that you rejected the ones that were handed to you as a Mormon. I think it will take longer than 4-5 months and more than one relationship to really figure it out, and if you go locking up your girl parts until you do, you're not helping yourself, and you're robbing yourself of any fun you might have in the process. (ps. sex is fun! calendars are not)
posted by slow graffiti at 3:29 PM on February 11, 2008 [5 favorites]

I don't know about you, but for me, talking about religion and boundaries during a necking session always ruins the mood. I'd go with something more succinct and less talk-y. You could always try taking his hand, putting it on your hip, and saying, "No. Everything else - okay!"

And then talk later after the hot & heavy make-out session. All I know is, I'd appreciate a partner who can set boundaries without having to tell life stories - and then it leaves room for a "getting to know you" conversation later.
posted by reebear at 3:36 PM on February 11, 2008

"Yeah we can get down but only after we've decided to be exclusive and dated for at least 4-5 months, and if that's too long for you to wait, sayonara!"

This sounds good, but take out everything after the word 'months'. The last part sounds overly negative and almost confrontational.
And the sooner you have this conversation, the easier it will be for both of you. Second date is fine.
posted by rocket88 at 3:57 PM on February 11, 2008

It would probably be a good idea to wait until you've bee physical, like post-makeouts. Not a thing to spring on a guy on your second date, but if you've made out he might start thinking about sex, when you'll have it, assuming things will go the way they might have with other girls. The nice thing to do is let him know your circumstances, straight up and maybe a little jokingly, as people have suggested. Assuming you aren't doing this when he has his hand down your pants or whatever, he would be a jerk if he reacted badly.
posted by MadamM at 4:02 PM on February 11, 2008

Tell him as much, and gradually become more intimate over time. Making out, cuddling, massages, sleeping together - building trust and being comfortable with each other. A lot of people with this kind of background have as much issues with trust and physical intimacy and body image as with sex. Strict practioners of judgemental and authoritarian religions don't tend to be cuddly people.

Also, what game warden to the events rhino said; chances are it will be undramatic. Lots of people do it every day, and it doesn't seem to change them all that much.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 4:10 PM on February 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

People make way too big a deal about the "v-card." You might consider whether you have left all the Mormon stuff behind. I left Orthodox Judaism as a virgin in my early 20s and I kind of felt the same way as you do. I wanted it but I kind of made it into a big thing because it was such a big thing where I came from.

After I finally did have sex, though, it was much less of a big deal. The next relationship I was in (that one broke up -- it happens) neither of us had any hang-ups and we just started having sex on the third or fourth date. Not only was it less stressful, it was a lot more enjoyable. The first time's never that great anyway, or so I hear.

Just learn about and think about all your options, safe-sex wise. Condoms, how to use them, what to do if the condom breaks, etc.
posted by callmejay at 4:13 PM on February 11, 2008

Just learn about and think about all your options, safe-sex wise. Condoms, how to use them, what to do if the condom breaks, etc.

Repeated for emphasis. With your background, I do not know how much you were encouraged to speak openly about sexual issues, so please make sure you educate yourself about birth control and safe sex. This is what responsible sexually active adults do.

And yes, Salvatorparadise is exactly right--"v-card"? Really? Sounds way too cutesy for a young woman of 24.

I have to admit I'm curious--what does "I've lost my religion" mean? That you decided it wasn't for you, or the church threw you out or what?
posted by misha at 4:33 PM on February 11, 2008

I'd be careful to ask for what you really need. And I mention that because I suspect time isn't it.

Look — it's not like you'd be willing to sleep with any old guy as long as he's been around for four calendar months, right? And if you found yourself emotionally ready for sex at three months and three weeks, it's not like waiting the extra week would change anything. Besides, the guy's part of the process, and he deserves to know what he can do to help.

So what is it you'll actually need to feel good about sex? Confidence? Love? Emotional support? Friendship? Commitment? Patience? Whatever it is, ask for that — tell him "I need to know that I can trust you" or "This is gonna be kind of awkward and I'd like to be comfortable as buddies first" or "Let's wait until we're in love" or whatever the real bottom line is for you.
posted by nebulawindphone at 4:37 PM on February 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

You sound like a really honest person with a strong sense of herself, so please do not use cutesy, childish terms like "v-card." I thought I was opening a post about some arcane area of immigration law. Use the term "virgin" or tell the guy, "I've never had a lover" which seems more in keeping with your otherwise seemingly intelligent and engaging nature.
posted by nax at 4:51 PM on February 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

However, I don't want to lose it to someone I am not absolutely secure about and with. Losing my v-card is a big deal to me and I don't want to end up being used and dumped by some jerk.

I think that's why your religion discouraged premarital sex.
posted by drea at 5:24 PM on February 11, 2008 [2 favorites]

i wouldn't bring it up for a while. a) there's nothing weird about being a 24-year-old virgin, and b) most people, even nonvirgins, don't go from goodnight kisses to sex immediately. so kiss him goodnight, smile, and then GO INSIDE. that's all.

grown men are used to this kind of gentle procrastination. i don't want to say it's part of the game, because it's not a game, but it's just human nature. if you invited him in for a romp in the hay, i'm sure he wouldn't say no, but putting it off for a few months is totally normal, too.

in the meantime, how comfortable are you with the idea of sex? do you masturbate? have you visited a gynecologist? do you have some kind of birth control plan? i'm guessing that because you call your virginity your "v-card" that you're a little uncomfortable about the whole idea. so before you go much further with this guy, get yourself educated and a little more familiar with your body.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:29 PM on February 11, 2008

I think you are smart for wanting to be honest with this guy. But, um, isn't the second date a bit soon to be talking about sex? Dating is for getting to know someone, before you get involved with them.

Losing your virginity is a big deal. Despite what Cosmo (and Sex and The City) tells us, it's hard for a woman to not get emotionally involved with a guy once she has had sex with him (virgin or not). I really think this is one of the major reasons wonderful, smart women get involved with, and stay involved with, men who are total jerks.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to wait until you feel more secure and comfortable with this guy. You should be able to trust him, and trust takes time. Maybe on one of your dates, you could ask him his views on religion and have it come up in that conversation organically. I definitely think you need to discuss this with him before any heavy make-out sessions, though.

If he walks, meh. Be thankful, you were spared getting involved with someone who doesn't share your values.

And, as others have mentioned, you can't be too educated about birth control options. Take responsiblity for your body and don't rely soley on him for birth control. And have this talk with him, too. If you can't talk about birth control with a potential partner, you have no business having sex.
posted by socrateaser at 5:41 PM on February 11, 2008

I'm sure you know, but reinforce in your mind that there are lots of satisfying options in bed, other than the one act that gets fetishized as Teh Sex. If you decide he's a considerate and trustworthy guy, who lights your fuse, you can spend a good deal of happy time exploring these options while you're getting more comfortable. This exploration can be called "taking it slow". You can tell him in an early conversation (about your background, or after you've decided you'd like to make out with him) that you're looking to "take it slow"; if he wants clarification he can ask.
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:53 PM on February 11, 2008

I'm an ex-Catholic (well, a heretic anyway). As a married woman, should I ever end up not-married and start dating again (God forbid) - it would probably be quite a while before I felt ready to have sex with a partner - probably around 2 months or so, and I'm by no means a virgin. Wanting to know something about the person you're potentially going to be sleeping with is by no means abnormal, as far as I know - sure, there are people who do the one-night-stand thing, and if it works for them, great! It's not something I'd personally be comfortable with, though, and that's alright.

Don't feel pressured to lose your virginity. If it feels right, go for it - if it doesn't, that's alright. A guy who doesn't understand this is not worth your time.

As for phrasing. I've often been rather blunt about the whole deal, early in the relationship, on maybe the third date (after it looked like we might actually be together for a while). Usually what I've said is something like this: "I'm a really slow girl. It can take me quite a while (months) to get comfortable enough with someone to be really physically intimate. Can you deal with that? I understand if the answer is 'no'." Occasionally, the answer's been no, but far more often, it's been 'yes'. Then again, I tend to date the kind of guys who just take that sort of thing as a challenge to our combined creativity :) YMMV.

Also: I have mile-high, red-flag trust issues. Which are nonreligious, and related to what happened before I became rather firmer about my boundaries, and also based on events earlier in life. Take the above in that light.
posted by ysabet at 8:11 PM on February 11, 2008

From a guy's perspective, especially one that has some dating experience, it would be very difficult for me to commit to a serious relationship without having sex first. Seems very cart-before-the-horse to me. Sex is not everything, but it is important in a relationship, and I'd need to know that I was sexually compatible with somebody before promising that sort of commitment. And, honestly, if a girl didn't want to have sex with me within a few months, esp. when I'd made it clear that I *did*, I'd feel like she wasn't really that into me and that I should move on.

I know you want your first time to be perfect and awesome and not get emotionally hurt -- NOBODY DOES!! -- but you're looking for certainty where none exists. Trust your intuition about this guy, be safe, and go for it when the moment is right.
posted by LordSludge at 10:37 PM on February 11, 2008 [1 favorite]

1. Don't kid yourself, this isn't about him, its about you. Your problem is going to be that things are going to start to go somewhere and you are going to want them to go there faster than your timetable. So your main problem is going to be not letting yourself get carried away. Sex feels really good, and your body and mind are going to be wanting to go somewhere your heart knows it is not ready for.

2. If it comes up in conversation you be honest and tell him it may be a while before you are ready and that you are certain he understands how important it is to you that things go right for you on this one.

3. If he threatens to leave because you won't give him what you want, dump him immediately.

4. Continue to let a prosepective beau that you are interested in him "in that way" and you aren't just stringing him along.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:19 AM on February 12, 2008

using "v-card" comes across as "not ready to have sex"

my fiance and I were together for 4 or 5 months before being sexually active. you can do it too.

think about it eh?
posted by phritosan at 3:30 PM on February 14, 2008

Couple things.

First of all, it's totally reasonable for this guy to like you, be interested in you, be hopeful for a committed relationship, and still want to sleep with you in less than four months.

Secondly, it's totally reasonable for you to like this guy, be interested in him, be hopeful for a committed relationship, and still not want to sleep with him for four months.

Given this, two things happen. Either:

A) One of you adapts, as happens as relationships grow
B) You two are incompatible. It's not a big deal, it happens.

The point is that it isn't a big deal which way this goes. It's not some personal affront to you, as if you're a terrible person because you don't want to sleep with him for some extended period of time. However, you may really be incompatible with the way he wants to live his life. Imagine for a moment your guy was a slob, and you were a neat freak. Either one of you adapts, or it ends.

Now, it helps to be rather communicative. That's the only way adaptation can take place (no slob ever became clean because of a screaming fit). Good luck!
posted by effugas at 2:50 AM on February 15, 2008

It's difficult to plan out how you're going to approach him when you've only gone on one date! You may be overwhelming yourself with these planned out speeches when you still need to get to know him better. If he tries to go for sex on the second date, then yes, I would tell him your expectations. But he doesn't immediately go for sex, I would let things develop naturally. Just as all other things, revelations aren't scripted. There is no formula or time tested method for when you should talk to him about your "v-card". The moment will feel right for when you have to tell him. He may even ask about it.

Just keep these things in mind and you'll be ok:

Be honest. No one likes to play games.

If he can't wait till you are comfortable, don't do it! If he can't wait, he doesn't respect you, and you need to find someone better!

However, if he is willing to wait, you know that he is a man of principals, and man worth keeping. Most importantly though, if he can wait, that means that he truly does care about you!
posted by BettyBurnheart at 8:02 PM on December 16, 2008