It's not you, it's your dog.

February 9, 2008 1:58 PM

Please help me survive the weekend with a friend's obnoxious dog!

Argh. This is complicated, and it's not entirely a "pets" question or a "human relations" question, it's sort of both.

Mr. lfr has some cool friends. They're his friends, and I've met them a couple of times, and I enjoy hanging out with them. They are inviting us up to spend a long weekend at their ski condo. All good, right?

Well, so far. The elephant in the room is their extremely energetic, out-of-control, obnoxious dog. Which apparently no one seems to mind except me. If they would just put her in the bedroom, for pete's sake, but no, that's probably just me being unreasonable, right? Is it reasonable for me to expect not to get jumped on and have my crotch sniffed and my lap drooled on at dinner, or should I just suck it up because I'm a Bad Person for not being a dog lover?

I don't want to get into a host of issues here, except to say that I'm not much of a dog person, although I actually do enjoy being around cool, non-obnoxious dogs. Our neighbour has a frisbee-chasing dog that I love to play with.

The main drag here is that being around these people's neurotic out-of-control dog stresses me out and makes me feel like I'm being bitchy and unreasonable, which messes up the vibe of being around them. I really DON'T want to be bitchy and unreasonable to these people, they're cool people, it's just... um, their dog pretty much sucks for me to be around, and in the bigger picture, I've begun to think about inventing reasons to avoid hanging out with them because of it.

The other concern I have is bringing it up and then having this be some Big Issue that totally harshes the mellow of the weekend. I mean, for chrissake, we're skiing, it's supposed to be fun, right? And we're their guests, so I probably need to somehow manage to put up with the random pets/family members. *sigh*

Please, AskMeFi, help me survive the weekend without:

a) being an asshole to my friends, or

b) having a stress-induced meltdown.

Seriously, I hate feeling this stressed about what's probably a dumb communication issue that I just don't know how to message properly.

posted by lonefrontranger to pets & animals (28 comments total)

Telling them you don't like the dog is like telling a parent you don't like their kid...it will not wendell.

If you're that uncomfortable around the dog, just gracefully turn down the invitation... let them know you're not available.

If you like them as friends, arrange the meetings where the dog would not be present...

I have a friend who, for the past 20 years, has had a series of ill behaved dogs (and I love dogs), I just avoid going to his house....
posted by HuronBob at 2:13 PM on February 9

That doesn't sound unreasonable to me at all. If they are your friends it should be OK to be honest with them. Have you ever brought this up with them? They might not realize it's problematic for you. Just mention it in a calm, friendly manner and work it out. You are allowed to fix this. I wouldn't go up there just to suffer.
posted by amethysts at 2:18 PM on February 9 [1 favorite]

I'm confused. These friends have invited you to spend time at their condo. They have a dog. It's their condo, so of course they can bring their dog. You don't like the dog. Your choices are to not go because you don't like the dog, or suck it up and deal with the dog.

If the dog jumps and annoys you a lot, rather than be rude about it, I would say to the friends "I hate to keep shoving your dog off my lap, do you have any suggestions for how to keep him down?" Or "your dog makes me kind of nervous, I'm afraid he'll hurt me or I'll accidentally hurt him. Could you try to keep him off me?" Hopefully they would take the hint and keep him back. If my friends said this to me about my dog I would not be insulted.
posted by dpx.mfx at 2:19 PM on February 9 [6 favorites]

HuronBob, we're already committed to the weekend. that wasn't the question. the question was framed in the last paragraph. Got anything more helpful?
posted by lonefrontranger at 2:20 PM on February 9

Have you considered ways to spend time with your friends where the dog won't be..i.e. out for dinner/drinks, go to a show or movie etc.? If you are skiing all day and then out for drinks and dinner even one night of the weekend, then you really aren't going to even be around the dog that much. Drinks may help relax you as well!

Ultimately, if you are interested in a relationship that goes beyond this weekend, you are going to need to be honest about what you need in terms of the dogs behavior. Asking the hosts what they would suggest might be start and would probably come off as less demanding.
posted by pazoozoo at 2:34 PM on February 9

This crazy dog is probably their baby. Nobody likes to be told that their baby is an obnoxious brat. I guess one thing you can do is view the dog as an annoying child. Poor child (or dog) it's not your fault, your clueless parents are to blame. You could always make a light comment such as, "Hey Jane, I don't mean to be a nut, but I'm not that comfortable with dogs. What should I do when he jumps up?" I use this "I don't mean to be a nut" expression to take the pressure off the offender. Your friends will hopefully be keen on commanding the dog away from you if they know you're a little frightened rather than just annoyed. (on preview, dpx.mfx covered this) And if you're pleasantly aloof hopefully the dog will get the picture that you're not going to play, don't even bother.

If your friend's dog is a big, goofy, friendly sort, try discreetly softly muzzling her with one hand if she's panting all over you. Place your thumb on top of her snout and your forefinger under her chin and softly clamp. Dogs usually dislike this. My friend told me about this trick when her dog was drooling and panting all over me. It worked and the dog walked away. Hopefully the dog will view you as someone that doesn't want to play and she will keep her distance. You can also make a plan with your spouse. Have him call over and distract the dog if she is overwhelming you. If your husband loves dogs he should pat and love on her like crazy. Dog will go to your husband while you are playing Scrabble rather than you. Other than that, just ignore the dog if she is doing something obnoxious. Don't make eye contact. Seem disinterested. Get up and make a cup of hot chocolate.

Good luck.
posted by LoriFLA at 2:40 PM on February 9

Seconding dpx. When the dog jumps on you just politely say "can you please keep your dog off of me? It's making me nervous." But then they could always retort with "oh he wouldn't hurt a fly! There's no need to be nervous!" So maybe leaving off a reason for you not wanting the dog to jump on you is best. Any responsible dog owner would not be put off by a statement like this.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:42 PM on February 9

I wouldn't clamp down on the dog's muzzle like Lori suggests unless you know the dog isn't going to bite. My mom has a dog who is the most loving down in the word, but HATES this and will try to bite you to get your hand off of her snout. This is the only time I've ever seen her show aggression.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 2:44 PM on February 9

If they have a big yard and the weather's going to be tolerable, I would bring the dog a gift - one of those giant dried cow femurs that you can get at PetsMart. The larger and meatier, the better.

If they care about their carpets, they will let the dog outside. If he's like my dog, the bone should keep him busy for a couple of hours.
posted by Ostara at 3:13 PM on February 9

"Hey, I'm not really a dog person and I'm don't mean to be a pain but is there anyway I can stop this mutt from jumping/drooling on me? I'd really appreciate it."
posted by Loto at 3:20 PM on February 9

I had a roommate whose friend had an obnoxious dog. My roommate's dog wasn't really that obnoxious but they'd get together and do romping dog stuff and trash the house and I often felt like the bitchy person who was like "hey your dog trashed my stuff!" Eventually I moved and was happier, but in the meantime developed some coping strategies.

1. you and Mr lfr need to make a plan as a team. If your partner doesn't mind the dog, he should still support you in not wanting to be pawed and clawed by it and help you manage that. This may involve talking to the friends beforehand, it may involve just backing you up "yeah Fido is really doing a number on lfr's jacket, can we please find a way to keep him from pawing our stuff?"
2. You need to adjust your outlook for the weekend. There's a difference between "this is a bad dog and my partner's friends are inconsiderate jerks" and "this is a rambunctious dog and I'd prefer things that are less rambunctious and I am the odd person out in this particular weekend" In the future you may decide not to go to those people's houses. For now, part of being able to manage the weekend is going to be to realize you're a guest, it's their dog and they have different rules and expectations. So....
3. This has nothing to do with anyone (or any dog) being a Bad Person/Dog so it's probably better to not frame it that way. So, you ask "Is it reasonable for me to expect not to get jumped on?" and that's not a simple question. I grew up with a bunch of pets that were all over the place. When I had a cat as an adult, people coming to my house would often say "hey the cat is on the table!" as if that was something I should take care of. I had to explain to them that in my house it was okay for the cat to be on the table. I'd keep the cat out of their room, but not off places she normally went. Similarly, asking for a dog to be locked up while you're there is a bit of a stretch (and I only mention this because you specifically asked "If they would just put her in the bedroom, for pete's sake, but no, that's probably just me being unreasonable, right?") If everyone's cool with the dog being all over the place then you can make it clear you'd prefer not to be pawed/scraped/jumped on but it's not like they're doing something wrong having the dog be all over the place, for their situation and lifestyle. You are not being unreasonable, but neither are they. Again, Mr. lfr should back you up here. If Mr. lfr does NOT back you up, you have a problem of a different sort.
4. I'd do what others are suggesting and spend as much time as possible out of the house doing things. I'd work on compromises "hey I'm having a hard time enjoying this meal with the dog whining under the table, can we put him in the other room until we're done?" that are delivered in reasonable "hey we all want to solve the problem, right?" tones. If you're concerned that you're having a messaging breakdown, I'd focus on "I'd prefer to not have my person assaulted, let's figure out how to do that" and "Let's try to spend time together in places/areas where the dog is not all over us" and "It's okay for me to try to eat a meal without the dog all over me and we shoudl work towards that."

I think coming at this from a bit less of a "I HATE THE DOG" perspective and more of a "I want to have a good time, these are the things I need to do to make that happen" reference may start making things go more your way. I hope it works out well for you.
posted by jessamyn at 3:26 PM on February 9

dpx, why the confusion? Don't get me wrong, I genuinely do like the suggestions you made, but your first sentence read a bit dismissive / snarky to me and hence my kneejerk first reaction was sort of a WTF?! one. I would like to respectfully point out that am trying to do the right thing here and not alienate my friends or be an ass in any way. I'm sorry if my post was clumsily framed, confusing, or you just somehow don't agree with me being annoyed by my friend's crazy dog.

thanks amythysts, you're right, I'm probably making more out of this than I should. Also, LoriFLA, that's a good suggestion about the "I don't mean to be a nut" phrasing, I'll see if I can use that.

Appreciate the help in this thread. Ostara, that's be a great idea except that, sadly, this is a 3rd floor ski condo with a very small balcony and no yard.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:30 PM on February 9

I'll second other good ideas that have already been mentioned: Your husband should call the dog away from you and sit between you and the dog. Maybe he can enter the house first and physically hold the dog away from you until it calms down somewhat.

Also--drinking. Especially since it sounds like you'll be out all day, having a nice big glass of wine with dinner might help sooth your irritation. And let off steam with your boyfriend privately about how much you hate the dog.

About being worried about being bitchy--maybe bring a nice present to them (wine, a cake, bagels) so that even if you lose your patience for a minute, you have some "nice friend" collateral you can work with. And if you do lose it, just apologize to them and say honestly that the dog is "so sweet" but makes you nervous with his behavior. I agree that asking them to actually do anything about the dog's behavior is pointless.

It sounds like it won't be THAT horrible if you can be out skiing most of the day. Good luck!
posted by tk at 3:32 PM on February 9

From the perspective of a pet owner - I absolutely DO want to know if you have a reasonable request to keep my pet out of your hair. I don't have dogs, but I do have a cat (and up until recently had cats in the plural) and I'm happy to put her in the bedroom and shut the door if you don't want her in your face. Obviously, I can't make the cat disappear or wave a magic wand and render her non-allergenic, nor can I keep her in the bedroom for a whole weekend, but my point is that most pet owners WILL be reasonable and don't want to make a guest feel uncomfortable.

So be tactful but upfront about you not wanting Bowser in your face all weekend. Explain that you are not comfortable with the dog jumping all over you and slobbering. Do it in a nice way. The best-case scenario is that the dog's owners will take steps to keep Bowser from being a nuisance.

Do speak up. Be tactful and oh-so-nice, but speak up. That way you are far more likely to enjoy your weekend rather than seethe with resentment (and make your SO feel bad, too). If the dog owners are as cool as you say they are, they will understand that not everyone is a dog lover, and will want to make their guests feel comfortable.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 3:32 PM on February 9

Is the dog obnoxious to everyone or just you? Some dogs will perversely sense your discomfort and decide it's a game to get your attention. So, for the dog: ignore it when it's being an ass, and turn away/say "no!" when it's jumping on you. Don't encourage the badness!

With the friends: express your discomfort with being jumped on/drooled on. Blame it on your own jumpiness or your new pants or something rather than the rude dog. Second the "I don't want to be a but" phrasing suggested above, and seek solutions such as having the owners get the dog's attention, distracting it with a toy, treat, etc.

Good luck - I love dogs but crazy ones wear me out too!
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 3:36 PM on February 9

tk, you're right, we will be outside skiing most of the day. This is more about me not losing my shit while we're at the dinner table or something.

Again, thanks everyone. AskMeFi is a great resource.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:38 PM on February 9

You could talk to your friends and say that you find the dog intrusive, and would they do something to stop it from jumping and slobbering, but this probably wont go down well. I have a relative whose dog will climb onto your shoulders (thankfully it's a small dog) and repeatedly poke it's nose into you ear/feet into your mouth. She does absolutely NOTHING to correct the dog. I once lifted the dog from my shoulders and put it on the floor, and I felt my blood turn to ice when I saw the way she looked at me.

Or, you could try dealing with the dog. I took to wearing strong smelling eau-de-cologne when I visited the above relative. After a few sneezing fits, the dog left me alone. When it started to do it's trick of jumping onto the sofa, I stood up, or leaned forward, anything to distract the dog, and jar it out of it's accustomed pattern of "if I do this behaviour, people do that behaviour, and I get this reward".

Try to remember that dogs love attention above all else. Every time the dog drools on your knee, and you push it's head away, you're close to stroking it. The dog gets the attention it wants. Drooling is just a method to get that attention. When it starts dropping it's head on your knee, cross your legs. Uncross your legs. Repeat until the dog gets the hint.

If it jumps up at you, take a step back, so it falls to the floor, or shift your body so it drops. If it sticks it's nose in your crotch (the worst of dog behaviours in my opinion - I know it's just trying to work out where I fit in the pack, but it makes me feel very uncomfortable), back away, or turn your body, or maybe even consider sticking some strongly scented perfume there. Even better if it's a perfume you normally wear, because your friends wont notice anything unusual, and it's not like they are going to start sniffing your crotch to see if you have perfume sprayed there.

Under no circumstances make eye contact with it. That's just more attention, and a dog will grab whatever attention it can get. Think of attention (touching, eye contact) as doggy crack. They'll do pretty much anything to get it. If you don't give it to them, they'll start lookign elsewhere for it.
posted by Solomon at 3:51 PM on February 9

Yes, yes to all of the above. Especially the turning away behavior or backing away behavior. If there is jumping up going on, put your hand flat and parallel to your body in front of the dog's face (not touching the dog) and keep repeating (kindly, firmly, confidently) "No, down. No, down." Even if the dog doesn't get it, your friends are will quickly realize that you don't appreciate the dog getting out of hand and should (hopefully) give you advice on how to keep him from jumping or rescue you entirely.

I had a chocolate lab for years who I loved dearly, but if a friend was uncomfortable with her around, I kept her on a "Down, stay." Or put her in the bedroom during mealtimes.

Maybe ask if you can bring a present for the dog? My dog would spend HOURS trying to get dog food, dog treats or peanut butter out of one of these. They are available at many pet stores. (Here are some recipes for what to put in there. Be sure to ask if the dog is allergic to anything before putting it in there.) If I wanted to keep her occupied and playing by herself, I would fill it up and give it to her and I wouldn't see her again for an hour or more.

As interesting as you might be to the dog, you're not going to be more interesting than food. Better yet, have your partner give the treat-filled Kong to the dog so when he comes back for more, he goes to him and not you.
posted by jeanmari at 5:47 PM on February 9

Ugh, parallel to the floor. Not parallel to your body. Sorry.
posted by jeanmari at 5:47 PM on February 9

Well now I have dogs and while I'd want to know if they were doing anything harmful to you, i.e. biting or jumping up, I would not care too much about drooling or even crotch sniffing. That's just how dogs are and if you come to my house, you are entering THEIR territory. I cannot explain to them that this one person does not like them and they need to act totally different. Sorry, they get to drool on me so that's just the house rules. I would not be offended, if you as my friend, found this bothersome and didn't want to hang out at my place. I would not however lock them in a different room (egad, what a scene THAT would cause) or punish them for behaviors that I do not normally punish them for just because you don't like it if you decided that you did want to come over. Really too, it's not exactly your place to decide what is obnoxious behavior, after all if their family is ok with it then it's ok. You are but a passing guest and if you want a condo to stay at you should suck it up and be gracious or politely decline. I'd feel the same if you didn't like my children's behavior, like um ok well I'm sorry but it's my house, my kids, my rules and if you don't like it them don't come over.
posted by yodelingisfun at 6:11 PM on February 9

Oh man, and that's why some people with pets (and kids) are no fun to be around.

When I have guests at my house, I try to make them as comfortable as I can. Sometimes I don't notice when my cats are being a pest but mostly I try to keep them away from people. If you're not picking them up and petting them then I assume you aren't interested in being one with the cats. One of our cats likes to hop up on the bench while we're eating (we have two long bench chairs) and I usually ignore him. However, when we have guests over, that's just not appropriate. Not everyone wants to eat their dinner with a cat and why should they?

A rambunctious dog is difficult. I think it's not too much to ask that a pet be confined occasionally. I'd put my cats in a back room for an hour or so during a meal, say, or during a time when they were being pests.

Also, if a friend's dog sticks his nose in my crotch, I announce it. "Hey, get your nose out of my crotch!" and then push the dog's head away. My hope is that a polite host will keep an eye and do something if the dog persists. Since my friends are nice people, they always do. I would think it weird that a condition on visiting a friend is that I get my crotch repeatedly examined.

My point is, don't be shy about which dog behaviors are not working for you. All the other advice above is good. Have a fun weekend and try not to stress about it.
posted by amanda at 7:28 PM on February 9

Is there a dog repellent available that you could bring with you? Don't know; just suggesting something to look into. Best of luck.
posted by JimN2TAW at 7:53 PM on February 9

Don't feel guilty about asking for help with the dog's behavior towards you.

Part of being a responsible dog owner is helping the dog to navigate the world of people and other pets. Dogs don't know that one behavior is acceptable at home and not acceptable elsewhere. They won't sniff your crotch only in their house and not sniff your crotch when they are out among the public or at someone else's house. Also, a human is not another dog. A cat would have no problem letting a dog know that sniffing their crotch was not okay with a sharp swipe across the nose. If all you do is extend your palm in front of the dog's face and say "No, down!" firmly, the dog is getting off easy.

Dogs want to please their owners and well-behaved dogs are often allowed more freedom from their owners outside of the home because they can exercise more self-control when they need to. Others are happy to see them and want them included in activities. This is the same for pets or for kids.

That said, a perfectly nice dog can get very rambunctious if they are kept cooped up in a small condo all day while their owner is out skiing. It's boring in the condo and lonely and its difficult to get good and tired out while waiting for an owner to come home. You don't need to suffer bad dog manners and extending some benefit of the doubt to the dog if it is really active after long stretches of being "left home" can help you to reframe how you see the dog as well, if that is what is happening to the dog.
posted by jeanmari at 8:16 PM on February 9

In the spirit of full disclosure, I'm a total animal person. In fact I have three French Bulldogs (they're not gianormous, though).

That said, two of them are crated when people visit, otherwise it's too crazy. The third one, though is super old, but energetic. He does like to come 'visit' and he has a tendency, well, to howl when he gets excited. And that tends to freak people out. I do warn people before they come over that I do have dogs so that they're not surprised, but also so that I can have some knowledge of what their response will be.

In the 20+ years that I've had dogs, it's always been my experience that if you just acknowledge the dog for a few minutes, they'll get bored with you and go back to doing whatever it is that dogs do (bones, licking themselves, sleeping, etc.). They pretty much have their own intuition that when you DON'T like them, they will bother you the most. In fact, it used to crack me and Mr. dancinglamb up that our first Frenchie would sit directly in front of my MIL and stare at her, snorting, and doing nothing else every.single.time she visited. He would do nothing else. Not bark, not move. Just sit and stare at her (no matter where she got up and moved through the apt., he moved with her). It would freak her out to no end. He did it because he KNEW it freaked her out. And he did it until the day he died.

The only exception to this is if the dog has a habit of begging at the dinner table. I will admit that my dogs beg. And that's entirely my fault, not theirs. It would *not* be unreasonable, in my opinion, to ask your hosts to put the dog in the bedroom during dinner. Just say, 'OK, it's freaking me out that Fido is watching me while I eat my lobster. Would you mind if we send him into the bedroom with a bone of his own?"

Swing by Petsmart or Petco and get a Nylabone (if you've not already left). Not cheap, but they're awesome. The dog be occupied for hours and will love you for it. OK - well maybe not your goal, but you get the idea...
posted by dancinglamb at 9:13 AM on February 10

Dishonesty? Start to sneeze whenever the dog gets close. Mention that you are not sure, but think you might have allergies to him/her. Then everyone will work with you to keep the dog away from you. I have cat allergies and that is what always happens.
posted by Vaike at 12:17 PM on February 10

Late to the game as usual, but just wanted to say that I wouldn't let your unhappiness with dpx's tone blind you to her answer, because it's a good one:

I would say to the friends "I hate to keep shoving your dog off my lap, do you have any suggestions for how to keep him down?" Or "your dog makes me kind of nervous, I'm afraid he'll hurt me or I'll accidentally hurt him. Could you try to keep him off me?" Hopefully they would take the hint and keep him back. If my friends said this to me about my dog I would not be insulted.

Also, you can deflect a crotch-sniffing dog without actually grabbing the muzzle (which is definitely a bad idea with a dog you don't know). Just gently push his head aside. Repeat as necessary, with a firm "No" every time. I know if I heard my houseguest having to correct my dog repeatedly, especially over crotch-sniffing, I would step in and take it from there without needing to be asked.
posted by somanyamys at 6:52 AM on February 11

UPDATE: Thanks again to everyone who responded in this thread.

The weekend has been going well (we're heading home this evening) and I was able to quietly take our host aside and explain I was a little hinky around her dog. I used LoriFLA's phrasing and explained that I'd been bitten as a kid and couldn't help a nervous response (this is the truth). She was very understanding and they crated their dog when we came in for about twenty minutes until she settled down, and also at dinner (this dog has been crate-trained). Also, the mister has my back, he even told me he got a little worn out by the dog, too.

I took the dog for a walk yesterday and we hung out and things are good. She's just very exuberant (18 mos old, probably still puppy-ish). Sadly, Kongs/Nylabones aren't a really good compromise for this specific situation, as it's a small-ish condo with no outdoor area, and the only un-carpeted surface is inside her crate.

jessamyn, yodelingisfun, maybe I'm old-fashioned or whatever, but while I've been raised to be a polite guest, I've also always been taught that as a host, I additionally have a responsibility to my guests to make them comfortable in my house. If my kids or animals were making them uncomfortable, I'd a) want to know about it, and b) do what I could to fix that for the duration of the visit. Compromise is apparently a good plan.

Also, I was raised on a farm, we had dogs, and the dogs were always taught to be polite and non-obtrusive around strangers, as was the same expected of me when I was a kid. This is not everyone's way, obviously but it's how I was raised and the expectations I was socially conditioned for. I'm doing my best to deal with adjusting my expectations around those who were raised with more flexible house rules.

One of the reasons I like mr. lfr's friends is that they're open minded and understanding about this kind of social thing, and they tend to be pretty accommodating. Their young daughter was a little fussy from a head cold, so they actually traded bedrooms with us and gave us their master suite so that if she woke up and cried during the night, there'd be two sets of walls between us and the baby's room.

We've been having a wonderful weekend and the ski conditions are the best I've ever seen them. Have a great Monday, everyone!
posted by lonefrontranger at 7:29 AM on February 11

while I've been raised to be a polite guest, I've also always been taught that as a host, I additionally have a responsibility to my guests to make them comfortable in my house.

That's also the way I was raised. However, you were anticipating a situation where your hosts either did not feel that way, or you were having some degree of anxiety that they would not be responsive to your concerns. You need different strategies if you can rely on people sharing your values on etiquette than if you cannot rely on them
posted by jessamyn at 9:09 AM on February 11