Private engagement proposal

February 8, 2008 9:46 AM

A non-public engagement proposal. How?

I will be proposing sometime over the next month or so. My girlfriend has said in the past that she doesn't want anything in public. She wants it private. Its freezing cold outside, so that rules out any outdoors ideas, and I really want to avoid doing it at home (although if you have a great, romantic idea for an at home proposal, let's hear it!).

I've read some of the similar questions regarding this, but wanted to add mine because it needs to be in private. And I am going to tailor the proposal to make it a personal experience for us both, but I just wanted too hear some ideas and get the wheels turning.

Thanks everyone!

posted by blueplasticfish to human relations (36 comments total)

It's cold outside? Take her to the park, ask her to marry you and hand her the ring. Immediately get inside the car and lock the doors. Tell her she can't come in until she says yes.
posted by Loto at 9:54 AM on February 8, 2008 [13 favorites has favorites]

What's something she loves and comes in contact with every day?

No, not toilet paper.

Whatever it is, put your proposal in writing and slip it in there. Or put together a series of clues and start with whatever it is that she loves and sees daily or at least frequently. Like, if she likes Chinese food, slip a "will you marry me" note into a fortune cookie. Or if she really digs Lucky Charms, wrap up the ring (if you've gotten one) or a note and cram it into a new box of cereal like a prize. Does she do crossword puzzles? Get the paper before she does and write your message into the boxes - leave it for her to see.

Something tangible like this would be personal and private, a lovely surprise for her, and something she can keep for memories.
posted by katillathehun at 9:58 AM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Here's romance and privacy. Take her out to dinner in one of those restaurants up high in a building. have wonderful dinner, giving nothing -NOTHING- away, and then pay the check and leave. On the way down, wait until you can get an elevator for just yourselves. Get in and as normal, hit the lobby button, wait one, two, three, and then hit the emergency stop button. She'll be alarmed, but you'll put her to ease by saying that the only person who will ask why this elevator stopped will be her, you, and the security guard who meets you at the bottom. Kiss her and ask her to marry you. Then, go back the next day and get the CCTV video of the elevator, put it on youtube to announce your proposal.
posted by parmanparman at 10:00 AM on February 8, 2008 [11 favorites has favorites]

Cozy table in a quiet section of your favorite cafe, just before closing. Romantic, warm, and not toooo public.
Champagne already on ice and plan already in motion because you've come in earlier that evening to set things up.
Ask permission/give your server a HEFTY advance tip to keep the area clear.
(Have a special dessert, personalized and pre-made on hand as well...)
posted by Dizzy at 10:02 AM on February 8, 2008

My husband gave me a really cool Christmas gift last year, and what he did was create a riddle trail (for lack of a better term) that I had to follow in order to get to it. He left the first clue on a post-it, and solving the clue led me to the second post-it, and so on till I found the gift. It was a 1-bedroom apartment and he still managed to find hiding places. It was fun.

If you want something less involved, or that's too whimsical for you or something, then maybe something like bringing her breakfast in bed, and tucking the ring or a note asking you to marry you in, say a napkin?
posted by DrGirlfriend at 10:03 AM on February 8, 2008

You can always go to a romantic hotel, b&b or inn, moreso without any excuse other than Valentine's Day is coming up. In your area? Maybe some place with a fireplace or jacuzzi, etc. to set the mood. Bonus is that for future anniversaries, this can be your special place.
posted by Blue Buddha at 10:05 AM on February 8, 2008

Make plans to do something special (see a play, catch a special museum exhibit, see a concert, hit a casino, etc) somewhere that's too far to comfortably travel in a day. Book a night at a nice hotel. Ask the staff to have some candles lit, some champagne, rose petals on the bed, that kind of thing. Take her out to dinner and then go back and do it in the room.

And by 'do it' , I mean propose, mister.
posted by iconomy at 10:06 AM on February 8, 2008

Tell her to check out this link.
posted by jozxyqk at 10:09 AM on February 8, 2008

I love that my husband proposed at home. I can't walk by a certain spot in our kitchen without smiling. There were candles lit and dinner cooking and I had a glass of wine in my hand. But we're pretty domestic people.
posted by Gucky at 10:11 AM on February 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

Get a ring and put it in your pocket. Carry it with you. Don't hurry.

Wait for the right moment. It will come. The right moment is more special than the right time/place/set-up.
posted by quarterframer at 10:11 AM on February 8, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

I felt the same as your girlfriend in terms of not wanting a big public proposal. Has she said she'd prefer you not do it at home, or is that your bias?

My fiance proposed in my apartment and it was great. We'd had a nice dinner out, but he didn't let on that there was any special reason for it so when we got back to my place I was thinking, what movie should we watch tonight and is there any ice cream left in the freezer? And then I turned around and he was down on one knee. I was so surprised and so happy--I really liked having this big, awesome thing happen in such an ordinary and private environment.
posted by Meg_Murry at 10:21 AM on February 8, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I admittedly have never been proposed to, but I like the posts above that suggest either just doing it at home or going somewhere far enough that you "have" to get a hotel. Some women like little riddle games, but those things just annoy me. Don't play games, just create an enjoyable night.
posted by melissam at 10:24 AM on February 8, 2008

Set up: Our cat loves me best and sits on me as much as possible.

So my husband (boyfriend at the time) slipped the engagement ring on the cat's collar with a little note that said, "Squeak, will you marry me? (not the cat)." I was reading on the sofa, and the cat was supposed to come sit on my lap.

But, as we laughed about later, never send a cat to do a man's job. Instead she roamed all over the house, I got up to do laundry, and he fretted silently. Finally, the cat jumped up onto a chair near me, and to my eyes, ejected a tiny slip of paper onto the floor. It was utterly perplexing to me, so it caught my attention.

I read the note, was baffled, had to have the ring pointed out to me, and then happily said yes. It didn't go as he planned, but it's a great story and a great memory.
posted by Squeak Attack at 10:31 AM on February 8, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

I love that commercial where it's a couple in a car and the guy reaches over to hold his wife's hand and slips a necklace into her hand. It's sweet. Do that, just with the ring.

And, does she not want a public proposal (as in EVERYONE will know - sky writing at the ball game, etc.) or is she really set on not doing it ANYWHERE where people may be?

If it's freezing out - then I think snuggling up at home or someplace in front of a fire with a cup of hot choc would be a divine place to propose. It will be memorable no matter what you do. You're proposing and that's awesome! Simple is good.
posted by Sassyfras at 10:35 AM on February 8, 2008

Three words: Breakfast in bed

(for her, obviously)

--

A friend proposed to his love in the following way, and I found it really touching:

She had a beloved stuffed toy from childhood that was still in their home (sitting on a bookshelf in their bedroom, actually). He wrote a note "from" the toy, saying how Toy thought Friend was such a great person and how happy Toy was that The Girl had found someone who made her so very happy. The Toy then said that it knew that Friend wanted to marry the girl, but was too shy to say so, so Toy had volunteered to be the messenger. He wrapped up the note by saying that Toy was looking forward to being at their wedding and how Toy hoped that he could be played with by The Girl's own child someday. (Remember, this entire note was written in the voice of and from the point of view of the toy.) Then he put the note in the toy's lap and hung the ring from a lovely ribbon tied around the toy's neck.

Then, he waited.

It took her a couple of days to notice it, but when she did there were many, many tears (and a yes). Part of the reason that I think this worked so well is that The Girl had come from a difficult family situation, and I think in her childhood she often felt as though the toy was the only thing she could confide in and count on. I know she told him later that he had picked just the right way -- that it meant more to her to have The Toy "approve" their union than it meant for her to have her family approve it. Inside every woman in her late 20's lies a little girl, I guess.

Anyhow, clearly this might not be the best road for you (since it was so personalized to The Girl in this case) but I offer up the story as an example of an "at home" proposal that was far more memorable than any dinner or evening out.
posted by anastasiav at 10:42 AM on February 8, 2008 [10 favorites has favorites]

If it's cold outside, then slip the ring inside her glove before you go out to dinner. When she puts on her gloves at the door she'll find the ring. Propose.

Then go out and have a lovely dinner and talk about your future together.
posted by 26.2 at 10:46 AM on February 8, 2008

I actually proposed to my wife at our old apartment. One night when I knew she was working late I set the place up. Had a path of candles and rose pedals leading from the front door through the living room and up the stairs to our bedroom. On the front door... and at several points along the path... I had handwritten notes about how I felt about her. Once he opened the door to our bedroom it was filled with balloons, roses and me. Seemed to work pretty well ;)
posted by tundro at 10:54 AM on February 8, 2008

A lot of great ideas! That being said, just because it's cold out doesn't mean you can't do it outdoors. It just means that you need to have a nice lodge/pub/restaurant/cafe whatever nearby where you can celebrate with hot beverages afterward!

(disclosure: mine was outdoors on a mountain in December.)
posted by canine epigram at 10:55 AM on February 8, 2008

Remember that Feb. 20 is a full lunar eclipse. This doesn't mean you should necessarily do it outdoors (although I'm with others that it shouldn't be ruled out), but it would be pretty cool if you knew a restaurant with a view where you could see the eclipse through the window.
posted by jeffmshaw at 11:03 AM on February 8, 2008

You could just ask her. I assume you are sometimes in private, right?

The who schmaltzy down on one knee ring in hand making a scene thing is a little ridiculous if you ask me.
posted by luriete at 11:06 AM on February 8, 2008

I really didn't read past the second answer but I'm sure everyone came up with cutesy/pseudo-unique things for you to do.

Obviously you know your future fiancee better than me, but speaking as an engaged woman, what mattered to me was the emotion and sincerity with which the proposal was delivered, not some gimmick.

He INTENDED to propose to me the next day, at my graduation party, in front of all my family & friends. The night before, he was like an excited kid and I knew *something* was up. He made a nice dinner - nothing too out of the ordinary - and the conversation turned to how our lives had changed over the years, both before and after we'd met. Then he started to cry. He said he'd be right back, and I thought he went to collect himself (he's not the crying sort, which made this all the more poignant).

He comes back and kneels beside me at the dinner table, tears in his eyes, and proposed.

The emotional genuineness of the proposal trumped any kind of gimmick he could have ever imagined. The moment was about us alone - not just a cool story for other people.
posted by desjardins at 11:22 AM on February 8, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

My dad proposed to my mom by putting the ring into a just-blooming rose. It seemed to work well.
posted by InnocentBystander at 11:31 AM on February 8, 2008

You know her best obviously, but if she says she doesn't want it in public, she may really mean it -- she may not want to cry at a restaurant, she may not want to share that moment or the time after it with waiters etc. (Or maybe a quiet restaurant etc would be fine. I'm just saying, think about whether she really wants total privacy.)

My husband proposed in the car, about an hour into a 12 hour drive. We'd been together for a very long time and neither of us is big on showy gestures, so YMMV. It was low key, "hey, I have an idea and I'm not sure what you're going to think about this, but...". I still remember the exact mile marker, though. This is just to say: whatever you do, it will be romantic and memorable -- that's the nature of these things.
posted by LobsterMitten at 11:35 AM on February 8, 2008

Well, here's my thoughts: I (and my wife) aren't into the public thing either - but I ended up doing it in a public place when no one was there. When trying to figure out the 'where and how', I always thought it would be nice if it was somewhere you could visit many years later (anniversary, etc).. if you do it at home, well, you might not be living there in X years. A restaurant isn't great because I wasn't keen on getting down on one knee at a table, having others in the restaurant watch us, who knows how long the restaurant will be there, etc..

My story:
I happened to be traveling to Philadelphia for work around the time I was 'ready'. I was staying over the weekend and since she'd never been, I thought she might like to come up just for the weekend. We spent the day doing the historic downtown thing, and most of the time I was looking for a place/time that would be appropriate. It got late in the day, it got grey, cold and started to rain. We were just about to head back to the car when I realized we hadn't walked through Washington Square (and I still hadn't popped the question), so I suggested we run over to the park real quick so I could take some pictures of Washington's statue. So there we were, in pretty miserable weather - cold, getting rained on, no one else around except for a rather friendly squirrel. I acted like I was getting ready to take a picture but instead pulled out the ring. At that point the skies really opened up and we walked a good 4-5 blocks in the cold, pouring rain, but it didn't really matter. :-) Even though it was in the wide open, there was no one around to gawk and interfere so it was a pretty private moment (except for the squirrel).

My point is not that you should hop on a plane to some extravagant location, but maybe someplace memorable, like a nice park, a museum on a quiet day, maybe somewhere your girlfriend enjoys. Somewhere that isn't full of people would be a nice venue which will always be there - so when you're both celebrating your 50th anniversary you can return to the place where you started your lives together.

Good luck, and congratulations. :-)
posted by MarkLark at 12:17 PM on February 8, 2008

you know how women fret about finding the "right" lingerie for their fellows when the truth is any scrap of satin will do? the same thing applies here. short of clubbing her over the head and dragging her back to your cave, there's no wrong way to do it.

here's a cute idea:

make plans to go out to dinner. as you are about to exit, look at her critically and say, "hon, are you sure you'll be warm enough in that?"
feminine eye-rolling. "of course i will."
you: "you sure?"
she: "what is wrong with you?"
you: "i just thought you might be a little warmer in this."
hand her the box, skip dinner.
posted by thinkingwoman at 12:29 PM on February 8, 2008

You're in Salt Lake City according to your profile. Taker her to Snowbird. The Cliff Lodge is very pretty and the views from the balconies are terrific, and a very nice way to propose.

My sister-in-law received her proposal on the top of the mountain.
posted by plinth at 1:06 PM on February 8, 2008

My husband proposed in the car, about an hour into a 12 hour drive.

He's so lucky you said yes because that would have been the most awkward 11 hours of your lives.
posted by JimmyJames at 1:24 PM on February 8, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

My brother-in-law proposed to my sister in a hotel jacuzzi bathtub; he tied the ring around the neck of a rubber duck and floated it across the tub to her. (If marathon bath-taking were an Olympic event, my sister could take baths for America.)

A little nerdy, maybe, but cute!
posted by Spinneret at 2:24 PM on February 8, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I proposed to my wife in a photobooth located in the rear of a restaurant -- it was actually quite private, what with the curtain and all. Best of all, we've got the four pictures to document the event.
posted by incessant at 3:15 PM on February 8, 2008 [5 favorites has favorites]

My husband proposed in the car, about an hour into a 12 hour drive.

He's so lucky you said yes because that would have been the most awkward 11 hours of your lives.

Yeah, no kidding. That's what I told him after I stopped laughing.
posted by LobsterMitten at 9:55 PM on February 8, 2008

All thes suggestions are nice, of course.

But here's the thing. You know her, you know your relationship. We don't.

Do something meaningful for the two of you.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 12:16 AM on February 9, 2008

Make a loving scrapbook of all the little tidbits of your relationship you've saved over the years. On the last page, write "Will you marry me?".

Give her the scrapbook to her as an anniversary present, and flip through it with her. When you get to the last page, get on your knees and propose.

If you don't have a whole bunch of things for the scrapbook, a very meaningful object from the very early days of your relationship might work, if it's appropriate. Maybe you could work it into a poem. Maybe you could make it apart of a bigger theme. It's your proposal, why are you making us do all the thinking for you? Haven't you spent hours and hours fantasizing about what you're going to do? Geez...

---------

The tickets (Avenue Q) to my first date with my girlfriend have never left my wallet. It's been almost 2 years. I'm not proposing any time soon (I'm in college!). I've been toying with this idea in my mind, and I'm having serious doubts as to whether those tickets are going to survive... They certainly look very aged (holy shit...), and the perforated lines are looking very tired.

---------

What?! You mean you didn't save ANY tidbits?

You're fucked... There's no chance in hell she'll marry you now.

---------

Perfect Answer of the Boundless Forest

Life is a boundless forest,
A vast maze of the deepest;
Please walk along my side,
As we lose our way inside.

If we should pause to ponder,
Which tree we could rest under;
We would look at eachother,
And find the perfect answer.

Whether I make it yonder,
Or spend my time in wander;
You are my perfect answer,
So please be mine forever.

Y to L

----------

I wrote that at 4 am on Wednesday morning ( Feb 6, 08: a work day!). Y'all are NOT allowed to use it for your own romantic pursuits. You didn't have to drink 8 cups of coffee the next morning, it's a cheap thing to do, and it's unfair for your partner.

----------

L, if you're reading this, you better tell me so I can come up with another way to propose. Shouldn't have told you my pseudonym...

You shouldn't have googled my pseudonym. Now you've ruined it. You suck.

xoxo,

Y
posted by BeaverTerror at 2:12 AM on February 9, 2008

I proposed this last December. I had planned a short hike and a romantic sunset picnic on a mountain overlooking the small town I (and now she) live in. As it turned out, she knew something was up because we rarely plan anything that far in advance (a couple of weeks). Then a couple of days before, she was offered a chance to make a good chunk of money that weekend by working a few hours at a conference (she's a massage therapist). Fortunately she asked me along as well, plus it was in the town I lived in for two years just prior to moving here. I hung out with old friends while she worked all day, then took her out to dinner and a soak in the hot springs. I didn't feel I could wait for another chance to do the whole picnic thing, the time was right even if the place had changed. At dinner, just after we ordered (and before we were no longer alone in the small bar in the back of the restaurant - a 16-person office Christmas party was coming in) I gave her a jewelry box that she had admired in a store a couple weeks before (and which I had ever-so-sneakily purchased that day, with her in the store and unaware - so I thought). She was surprised because she had seen the less sneaky of the two sales ladies hand me back my debit card but had thought I had bought her a ring - none of which from that store she liked. She was also perhaps slightly disappointed, because though she thought it would involve a ring she didn't care for, she thought I was going to propose. Then she opened the box and there was a ring (purchased elsewhere, and which she loved) which I proceeded to take and kneel with. She got over her shock, quit trying to think of something clever to say, and simply said yes.

So, long and rambling, but the point is what others have said - it's not as much the place and the how as it is the timing and the sentiment. And of course the people involved.
posted by attercoppe at 9:39 AM on February 9, 2008

People over think these things and try to turn them into a big production. Just propose. Asking someone to marry you is a big deal and exciting, irrespective of all the games and props and whatever else you think will make it a more special event.
posted by chunking express at 10:20 AM on February 11, 2008

Also, even the most mundane thing you do will be memorable.
posted by chunking express at 10:22 AM on February 11, 2008

I agree with all the comments about it being memorable no matter what, and that the genuine "right moment" emotionally is more important than any elaborate set up. desjardins' story really touched me, for example. It varies by person, but I also am like Gucky and others in this thread saying they loved how domestic and simple/everyday the setting was because being in the spot frequently now leads to smiling...I got notice I was getting laid off a few weeks ago and the second to last week at my job I came home from work Friday night tired and ready for the weekend. My boyfriend asked me if I'd care to go for a walk with him. I begrudgingly said yes, ha (his coaxing: "C'mon, it'll be a short walk...the sun's setting, and we always say we should walk more!"). We walked a single block from our apartment where there's a municipal park with a forested hill and a gigantic row of flowers in the shape of my first initial (happens to be the same as the city's). He stopped short and was like "uh, hmmm" and started fumbling with his pants pocket. I was confused and asked what was going on and did he need my help. He blushed and got down on one knee and slipped a peach gummy ring on my finger. I was so surprised, even though we'd seriously discussed the topic many times. Then we sat on the grass and watched the sun slip down.

Later he told me he wanted to wait until after the lay off since he was concerned it'd be stressful for me, but then he realized he wanted to give me an opportunity to tell my coworkers in case that would make me happy, because, he said, he'd realized recently how many people at work cared about me. So sweet.

There's a stoplight right beside that spot, so 75% of the time I get in my car to go somewhere I'm stopped right there, looking out my window at that hill with its huge floral display, smiling secretly to myself. I treasure it.

In my opinion, something specific and even humble wins over something grand but less personal. It's the small things about it...
posted by ifjuly at 12:57 PM on July 25, 2008