Academic Valentine?

February 8, 2008 4:37 PM

I'm totally ga-ga for men with Phds, is there any hope for a smaller-brained female?

I'm really attracted to hard science/engineering/comp academics - it's that laser-like focus that turns me pink. However, I recently messed up a blossoming romance with a rabidly brainy man because I was so intimidated by his Phd. I stopped seeing him, assuming he was bound to tire of me sooner or later and that heartbreak would be inevitable. Ironically, I'm just fine around other men!

I know I'm not stupid - I'm doing really well professionally and I have a master's degree but I'm more inclined towards general understanding than specialism. I spend a lot of time filtering, thinking and processing, and am geeky in a hare-brained fashion with a lot of interests, activities and study in different areas going on.

I'm worried that I would be unable to keep up with (and therefore bore) a super-smart man, or that he would find my lack of intellectual focus irritating/frustrating. I know there are many variables, but generally are these fears founded? If not, how do I stop idealising rocket scientists enough to actually get together with one?

posted by anonymous to human relations (46 comments total)

oh jeezus. cut it out with your i'm-not-smart-enough-for-your-Ph.D.

seriously.

i'm a designer. i have a BA from an ivy league school and a BFA from one of the top design schools in the country. my last boyfriend had a Ph.D in math. once he got to know me (and got past my so.cal beach accent), he never once doubted that i was smart enough to keep up with him. plus, i was smarter than he was on a whole bunch of other stuff, so it evens out.
posted by violetk at 4:47 PM on February 8

most of my college professors were ph.d's, and seemed to know very little about anything
posted by Salvatorparadise at 4:49 PM on February 8 [15 favorites]

Just keep acting all gaga over him and telling him what a genius he is. Jock, brain, artiste, whatever, all your achiever types eat that shit up.
posted by jonmc at 4:50 PM on February 8

People are people.
posted by Roach at 4:50 PM on February 8

Yes, there's hope. If you're attracted to smart guys, you probably appreciate their intelligence, and you've probably got some smarts of your own. You just don't have the same paper to back it up. Learned men have feelings, too, you know. If he's comfortable around you, and you have things in common, that'll be enough for him unless he's a snob. Do you really want to date a guy with PhD who would honestly turn a woman down because her degree didn't match? And do you really think a guy with a doctorate degree only wants to talk about doctorate-level subjects?

And, yes, I know what I'm talking about. I'm a college dropout (screw the system, maaan!), and I've dated some PhD folks.
posted by katillathehun at 4:52 PM on February 8

Smart guys like women who like smart guys. Chemistry is what people look for so I wouldn't worry about not being smart enough. I'd guess that you are smart enough but afraid you're not. Our fears do not represent reality. Nor is the mass of Phd holding-men demanding women who are similarly-gifted. At worse a weirdo here or there might feel that way, but they are there to be avoided.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:54 PM on February 8

Us highly-educated science guys are often intimidated by the beautiful, well-rounded, outgoing types, because we're convinced they'd be bored by our obscure research interests and single-minded focus.

In other words, you're thinking about this too hard. Ever heard of the phrase "opposites attract"?
posted by chrisamiller at 4:55 PM on February 8

People need different things from their mates. You need a highly intelligent man, but he may not need someone with fancy degrees and an ultra high IQ. He may need what you have to offer. I have a Ph.D., my wife has a BA. This has never affected our relationship. She is not intimidated by my credentials, nor should she be. When it comes to writing articles for peer-reviewed academic journals, I can do it and she can't. When it comes to managing our household and negotiating the trials of everyday life (disciplining our son, dealing with in-laws), I'm downright retarded compared to her. I'm much more lucky to have her than she is to have me. I know scores of Ph.D.s and most of them are only smart in their chosen field, and many of them lack common sense and practical knowledge. You'll do fine.
posted by Crotalus at 4:57 PM on February 8

I'm a female with a Ph.D., and my husband doesn't have a Ph.D., and that's an even less common combination -- or has been until recently. What it comes down to is -- I don't mind that he doesn't have a Ph.D., and he doesn't mind that I do.
posted by lleachie at 5:01 PM on February 8

I'm working on my Ph.D. My wife thinks that's hot. She hasn't finished college, but she's got boatloads more sense than I do, and I think that's hot. So far so good.
posted by nebulawindphone at 5:03 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

I'm pretty sure that rocket scientists take their pants off one leg at a time, just like any other guy. There's no need to idealise them or the process.

And please, please, please don't pull the pre-emptive "breakup by neglect" nonsense again. You might be quite smart in a lot of ways, but you're overthinking the situation badly and, perhaps, being a bit of a control freak in order to preserve some self-esteem that may have been dinged by associating with a PhD.

You don't have to prove how smart you are by analyzing and acting first, because you could be very badly wrong. If you're right, and some guy does get tired of you, let him show some guts to make the break. Or if things are really bad enough between you two, you make the break. But no more failed mind-reading, because it's a disservice to you both.
posted by maudlin at 5:19 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

Anonymous, I am guessing that you haven't actually dealt closely with that many people with Ph.D.'s. If you had, I don't think you would be so impressed.
posted by jayder at 5:24 PM on February 8 [8 favorites]

I am a college professor, and I know very little about anything either. One of the things I do know about is that there are wicked smart people who don't even have a BA, and people with a PhD that can barely dress or feed themselves.

Really, to get a PhD in many programs you do the course work for a master's, then take a couple more classes and do some highly-focused, esoteric research. No difference in intelligence, just putting in some time. I think the real key to a PhD is in the ability to self motivate and keep working on something for a long time. So don't sell yourself short.
posted by procrastination at 5:26 PM on February 8 [6 favorites]

I'm a few years off from my PhD, but one of the least favorite things is to tell people that I'm a physicist and have them say "You must be so smart!" It dismisses their own intelligence, which is entirely distinct from number and type of degrees your have, and also dismisses me by implicitly saying that they couldn't understand what I'm talking about. Don't do this. I just happen to be good at and interested in something that's particularly easy to pursue via never leaving college, that doesn't mean anything else. Treat me like any other person and don't assume that you could never understand what I do, and I'll be happy.
posted by Schismatic at 5:28 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

I married a PhD. He was book smart but not as smart in other ways. It takes a lot of focus, as you know, to get hard science degrees like that. That often, though not always, means there's other things PhD guys haven't been able to do. Find the right guy who appreciates someone who can show him some of that stuff and be happy and confident in your own abilities and I don't think you'll have a problem. Also, I've found that hard scientist types are often in the realm where they're smart enough to know how to not make that fact a big deal around other people. If you've met one that isn't and makes you feel somehow stupid for not being a PhD scientist type I suspect he was the exception not the rule. A PhD is just a ranking for someone who has excelled in one specific direction. The world is full of interesting directions, find yours.
posted by jessamyn at 5:46 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

Yikes, where are you living? Out here in the real world, men tend, unfortunately, to be intimidated by smart women and prefer those who are not anywhere near as smart as they are. Attractiveness tends to matter about 10 times more than brains, it seems.

It is much easier for a dumb woman to get a smart man than it is for a smart woman to get a smart man, sadly-- at least in the experience of many of my absolutely brilliant female friends who are still single while many genius men married women who could in no way ever match them intellectually.

Why do you think those Beauty and the Geek shows never have the genders reversed?
posted by Maias at 5:49 PM on February 8 [5 favorites]

I've got a Ph.D., and I'm the same big dumb donkeygirl I ever was in most ways. Moreover, nearly all my colleagues are even bigger donkeyfolk than I am. Trust me, many of these guys would be undyingly grateful to you, a regular person, for deigning to spend time with them. Most regular people tend to think, rightfully, that we academics are weirdos and often talk to us in that reassuring tone usually reserved for feral dogs and jumpy people holding detonators.

What concerns me about your situation is that you seem to be madly attracted to the very thing that also intimidates you. Not to armchair psychoanalyze, but is the intimidation, the "I'm not worthy" crapola* is actually part of the thrill? If so, then you may want to think through the implications of that and maybe try to work past it, on your own or by talking it over with a friend or professional. Or not.

*and it is complete crapola -- of course you can keep up with these guys, and most people don't exactly "get" the details of our partners' work/hobbies the way someone who shares it does.
posted by FelliniBlank at 5:55 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

I really debated the validity of this answer, but oh well, it's the truth:

They stop being able to think if you touch their weiners. So do that a lot. it levels the playing field.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 6:00 PM on February 8 [9 favorites]

I don't have a degree. I have dropped out of university and college, like, numerous times. If you feel this way with a master's degree then there's no hope for me. You should be proud of the degrees you earned.

I tend to fall for creative geniuses rather than intellectuals, which brings its own set of problems -- creative geniuses tend to be incredibly socially stunted, in my experience. But I understand the frisson that comes from admiring brilliant people, as well as the envy, and the insecurity.

Whatever you do, avoid hero worship -- it naturally attracts guys who thrive on that worship, and it turns into something very, very gross. If you find yourself idolizing these guys, get out and check yourself FAST. It's coming from a fucked-up place.
posted by loiseau at 6:40 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

Meh. My wife has a Masters, and I didn't even finish college. Meanwhile, we both think the other is much smarter, and feel a bit like an idiot compared to the other. Schooling isn't smarts by default, and if you're attracted to and interested in each other, why would you think he'd get bored?
posted by davejay at 6:48 PM on February 8

loiseau: socially stunted

I really meant to say "emotionally stunted" here but they're both what I'm getting at.
posted by loiseau at 6:51 PM on February 8

I've known so many couples where Person 1 had a PhD in something-or-other, and Person 2 was the smart one, that I can't really follow the question.

Is it the men you are attracted to, or the pieces of paper?
posted by rokusan at 6:54 PM on February 8

If a guy can maintain interest in a highly technical subject long enough to get a PhD, he is not easily bored. That alone makes it very unlikely he will be bored with you. But perhaps you could try becoming the type of person who is not easily bored yourself. Take a second and third look at the guys who you think are boring, and find something interesting about them. When you have reached the point where a piece of burnt toast is interesting, you will be an interesting person. That is why you are attracted to people who study obscure things in the first place, no?
posted by proj08 at 7:09 PM on February 8

I'm sort of in the opposite situation: I have a hard science Ph.D. (biochemistry) and my husband doesn't even have a college degree. He's very smart, though, and our skills and areas of competence tend to complement each other. It doesn't faze him at all that I'm super-edumacated, and sometimes he even seems a bit scornful of my lack of real-world skills. (I can run fancy lab instruments but I can't fix the washing machine - who's the better person to have around in an emergency, huh?) As long as you're well matched in basic intelligence, you can definitely pair up with a Ph.D.

Also, most of the hard science Ph.D.s I know are actually rather humble. There are a few bullet-proof egos here and there, but in general, doing scientific research is an excellent way to get the arrogance pounded out of you. You learn that you're nowhere near as clever as you thought, and this intellectual humility tends to seep over into other aspects of life. We are usually quick-witted and snarky but generally don't really consider ourselves superior to others - hell, anyone who can fix a washing machine gets a LOT of respect from me. So don't assume that your rocket scientist would look down on you.

Lastly, my fellow phuds tend to be socially awkward and would be most grateful for your attention, since we probably wouldn't know how to ask for it without seeming a bit desperate or creepy. To stop idealizing your rocket scientist, remember he was the geeky guy in high school who sucked at sports, had no friends, and didn't go to the senior prom because he couldn't get a date. (The same goes for us geeky girls, natch.)

So do a phud a favor and show a little interest in him - he'll be immensely flattered and probably surprised too, since he probably doesn't get a whole lot of attention outside of his work. I can virtually guarantee that he'll be absolutely charmed by you and you'll have his nearly undivided attention in the social arena (work may take priority over that, though, so be prepared). You're clearly a smart, thinking gal and he'll probably be delighted to have an intelligent friend who can complement his own interests and bring a bit of the larger world to his narrowly focused attention.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like more ramblings. Good luck!
posted by Quietgal at 7:17 PM on February 8 [2 favorites]

You've got a Master's, honey, and you're plenty good enough to be hunting the herds of Ph.D.s. Just look for compatibility and chemistry, like you would any other male human. After a few dates, you'll begin to see that a piece of paper with "Ph.D." on it is nothing to be intimidated about. (Unless, of course, he wants to use his Ph.D. intimidate you, in which case you never see that prick again.) Keep looking. Date lots of Ph.D.s. You'll see.
posted by exphysicist345 at 7:28 PM on February 8

I was in a Ph.D. program while dating someone with a GED. I liked that he was laid back and knew how to build stuff.
posted by salvia at 7:59 PM on February 8

I know there are many variables, but generally are these fears founded?

YES!
posted by gauchodaspampas at 8:02 PM on February 8

Albert Einstein married another physics PhD, but that marriage fell apart after he started chasing after his dull, dumpy cousin. Elsa didn't know her C from her E, but she was a real Einstein in the kitchen.

So hang in there!

(And consider cooking school.)
posted by notyou at 8:03 PM on February 8

Ok, this is going to sound crazy, but here goes.

Being a rocket scientist is a job. It's a particularly intense job, I imagine, but it is still a job. A PhD isn't something that defines a person. It's just a credential that you need in order to get certain jobs. You don't magically transform into a different species when they hand you the piece of paper and let you wear the robe and the funny hat. It just means that you've got the qualification you need to teach college or get certain research positions.

Most academics and scientists have interests outside of their jobs, just like other people. They like books, movies, music, building scale replicas of medieval cities, etc. I would recommend that you try to find a genius scientist who is interested in the stuff that you enjoy doing and talking about. That way, you can talk about your jobs some, but you can also talk about your mutual interest in movies, politics, or going to sci-fi conventions. Because honestly? Nobody wants to talk about their job all the time. And anyone who does is probably boring and not prime dating material for a cool, interesting, engaged-with-the-world type such as yourself.
posted by craichead at 8:04 PM on February 8

No you don't "deserve" a guy with a PhD and here is why -

1. You seek people who just happen to have written 80,000 words on a specific subject. That's not a good reason to be chased. Your attachment to symbols like these demonstrates your unreadiness to be attached to anybody.
2. The truth is that PhDs probably bore YOU but you're happy to let them tell you what is worthwhile talking about and what isn't. Some of the most boring people I have ever met are PhDs who can only talk about their pet subject and associated esoteric interests. Their understanding of anything outside their own little protective universe is often pitiful. I dropped out of a PhD after realising just what an utterly minor contribution all the theses I was required to read had made to the world.
3. You don't love/respect intelligent guys. You just respect intelligence. My wife has a PhD but I certainly didnt pursue her for that. I pursued her because I got on well with her and because she was hot. No doubt she thought the same about me at the time.

You need to muster up some self-respect by seeking someone who you consider an equal in what you consider to be your own special abilities. I am quite sure you could attain a PhD yourself if you tried, but with your present view on what constitutes a worthwhile partner, I don't think too many truly intelligent people would be pursuing you for it.
posted by DirtyCreature at 8:48 PM on February 8 [3 favorites]

This has nothing to do with your potential partners' IQ and everything to do with your unfounded assumptions that they'll tire of you.
posted by callmejay at 9:01 PM on February 8

This has nothing to do with your potential partners' IQ and everything to do with your unfounded assumptions that they'll tire of you.

Agreed. My experience has been that male PhDs are not only comfortable with but actively seek out the company of women who are less intellectually accomplished then they are (a pattern common in many high-achieving professions). Draw what conclusions you will from this, but your lack of the degree doesn't make you undesirable. In fact, having the degree might very well make you less attractive.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 9:29 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

A PhD isn't something that defines a person. It's just a credential that you need in order to get certain jobs.

I second this. You have to take people for who they are, not what their degree or major is. While a phD might reflect a certain attactive quality in someone, it's nothing to get intimidated over. phDs tend to induce social presumption. That is, they indicate a widely accepted metric of success (just like being a celebrity does), hence the intimidation. It's very easy to say "I have a phD" and impress people (although it's just as easy to annoy them, depending on when and how you bring this up).

On the other hand, maybe being attracted to someone with this sort of degree is a social shortcut for finding the right type of person you'd be compatible with (e.g. compatible interaction and life goals), so that's even more reason to not be intimidated by them.

In any case, just be yourself, and if you like the person and they like you, enjoy that for what it is.
posted by spiderskull at 9:56 PM on February 8

Cool: seeking people to date who you find interesting and who will be interested in you back. Awesome, excellent, there are lots of PhDs or other highly-educated science types who will be interested in you. If one isn't, move on.

Not cool: seeking people to date partly because you expect they will not be interested in you. I'm not sure if that's what's going on, but don't do that to yourself.

Not cool: seeking to date people who you then endlessly worry are "better" than you (and maybe you bring this up in conversation with them and their friends a lot?). Again, don't do that to yourself.

Remember:
1. Even if you were "small brained", you would still have a lot to offer, in various non-smartness-related areas
2. You're not "small-brained". You're perfectly smart and capable. You don't have any reason to doubt this. You even have an advanced degree. Why are you worried about being "small brained"? That's crazy.
3. People with PhDs are not magic or better than anybody else. Some are jerks, some are very narrow in their interests, some are broad in their interests and very socially astute. People who are very smart in one area will be dumb in other areas. People admire others who are strong in the areas where they're weak -- i.e., the socially dumb scientist might admire the socially-genius middle manager.
4. If you suspect that someone doesn't respect or like you, don't date them. Find someone else.
5. If you suspect that everyone doesn't respect or like you, seek counseling.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:45 PM on February 8

I'm with callmejay. The part of this that stuck out like a sore thumb was the part where you said you broke it off because you were sure he'd get tired of you and you'd be heartbroken.

Two things:

1. If you had balls, I'd tell you that you have to hang them out there. You have to risk hurt and failure or you'll never get what you want. You'll have excuses and rationalizations to keep you warm. This applies to life in general. You have to be willing to take the heartache in this case and to remind yourself that you can handle it and ultimately survive and that the risk is therefore worth it. It's just life. Don't avoid these brainy guys. Go in with head held high and be yourself. Accept that it may not work out and then try to make it work out.

2. I'm hearing a lack of self-esteem/self-confidence. As others have mentioned, you have masters and are very successful professionally yet call yourself small-brained. I know you're just being a little casual and light when you word it that way, but I bet there's a kernel of self-doubt underneath that. Combine that with preemptive defense against what you see as inevitable rejection due to your inherent undesirability or unsuitability, lack of risk-taking, and I hear self-esteem/self-confidence issues. I can't help you boost that back up to proper levels, but sometimes just recognizing that as an issue can give some perspective. It sounds like you have at least two very good reasons to feel confident. Don't make these guys' decisions for them. Let them do it and they'll likely surprise you.
posted by kookoobirdz at 11:25 PM on February 8 [1 favorite]

Mother did not finish any postgraduate degree. Father has a PhD and is a widely respected expert in his very specialized field, from what I gather. They've been married 20+ years.

It happens.
posted by Electrius at 11:26 PM on February 8

I'm a little boggled that anyone with a master's degree could call themselves "small-brained." Huh? There may be some underlying self-confidence/self-esteem issues you want to think about before you start dating again. Seriously, you are in a TINY academic minority already (not that anybody without a higher degree is stupid by default, but you cannot be as dumb as you think you are - I promise!), and you are only talking about dating somebody in a slightly tinier academic minority, not someone up in the rarefied intellectual stratosphere. As a master's candidate myself, the big difference between the master's students and the PhD students in my department is how long they've been around/ultimate career plans, not brainpower.

Oh, and while we're sharing - dad has PhD, mum has two master's; they're fine. Actually, I suspect my mum makes my dad feel stupid a lot (she's kind of a pedant).
posted by bettafish at 11:51 PM on February 8

Trust me, there are plenty of men with advanced degrees in science/tech who want smart (but not too smart) women who lack confidence in their own intelligence. On the other hand, I know a lot of people with advanced degrees who get uncomfortable when someone makes a big deal out of the fact they have one. (God knows I feel weird and pedestally when someone does that to me.) Those people tend to be more fun to hang out with and easier to date than the first group. So maybe don't focus so much on the degree level and get to know the person as you pick from your target population of nerdboys.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:02 AM on February 9

I had a friend once with a deep, deep need for Smart Boys to admire her intellect.

Unfortunately for her, the only kind of man she was attracted to was the kind who was both way smarter than she was and arrogant enough to demonstrate it in public.

She was very unhappy most of the time, and every time she got involved with one of these guys she felt stupider and stupider. It was an endless spiral down. She would act all submissive and worshipful, and she would not only fail to impress them with her brainpower, she would give off creepy, low-self-esteem pedestal-putting vibes and get dumped.

It may just be the way you worded your question (PhD just as jocular shorthand, perhaps, for an intelligent, focused man?) but it sounds like you pretty much ask for transcripts and a publication list before you date someone. Like you don't trust yourself to pick a hot nerd boy without some outside validation of his nerdly qualities. And then you worry that he chooses a mate the same way, and your CV doesn't measure up. It smells of anxiety, and of self-doubt, and of self-destructive behaviour (e.g.; your pre-emptive breakup).

I hope that's not the case, and that you can find a way to meet someone who pushes all your buttons without making you act or feel like you're somehow deficient.

For my friend, that person turned out to be someone who helped her discover that what she really wanted was to be a submissive in a D/s household.
posted by Sallyfur at 3:11 AM on February 9

One of my uncles is a theoretical physicist. His wife doesn't have a college degree. Relax! (Another uncle and my grandfather are physicists as well, and neither of their wives have PhDs. A great uncle, who was also a physicist, married an artist.)
posted by puffin at 5:38 AM on February 9

[a few comments removed WTF type responses belong in metatalk or email, thanks.]
posted by jessamyn at 6:42 AM on February 9

You wrote:

I'm really attracted to hard science/engineering/comp academics - it's that laser-like focus that turns me pink. . . . I know I'm not stupid - I'm doing really well professionally and I have a master's degree but I'm more inclined towards general understanding than specialism. I spend a lot of time filtering, thinking and processing, and am geeky in a hare-brained fashion with a lot of interests, activities and study in different areas going on.

There's your answer right there. You're a fox who's attracted to hedgehogs. ("The fox knows many things, but the hedgehog knows one big thing.") That's not a different between smart and dumb. It's a difference between one kind of smart and another. That kind of match can work extremely well. Bringing different kinds of smarts to the relationship helps the hive-mind be smarter than any of its constituent parts (which leads to a mutual feeling of, "wow, together we can do anything"). Plus, what you see as hare-brained geekiness can be just as attractive to your focused geeky types as vice-versa; when they're with you, there's always a fresh flow of new ideas from all over. That's like Metafilter, in concentrated SO form: highly addictive.

Here's a metaphor, in non-brainy stereotypically prehistoric terms. You lust after the hunter with big muscles and the ability to chase down animals and club them to death. You're worried that they'll spurn you because you're not also musclebound and don't have the focus or strength to chase and to club for hours at a time. But because you're less focused, and keep looking around at stuff, you often go, "Hey, isn't that an antelope over there?" Your guy grabs his club and does his thing. Your heart is aflutter from watching the display of raw manly muscle, and meanwhile he's thinking both how good it feels to be admired for doing something he likes and is good at--and also how good you are at spotting things--and also also what a fine team the two of you make.

Sure, you need to boost your relationship self-confidence. So do a lot of great people. Don't focus so much on the PhD -- focus on the "focus that turns [you] pink" -- understand that you do have something to offer them, including plenty of fine non smarts-related qualities, and go make some rabid man (er, sorry, rabidly brainy man) very happy.
posted by grimmelm at 7:21 AM on February 9 [1 favorite]

I think your fears are well-founded and that you should work on improving your ability to have relationships with men whose credentials don't intimidate you.

Beyond that, it sounds like the real problem is that you are going for men who you also don't feel you're good enough for...in fact, it's the "too good for me" factor that seems to attract you. That is a losing proposition, no matter what the quality is...PhD, independently wealthy, world championship golfer, lack of jail time, etc.

This is basic "I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me as a member" stuff. The typical touchy-feely advice is "Buck up; you have as much right to the club as anyone else." But I am giving you different (and, I think, more practical) advice: Don't apply for membership. Join a different club. Learn to deal with dating someone whom you don't think is too smart for you. I think you'll both be happier.
posted by bingo at 10:04 AM on February 9

I am a man with a PhD. I know plenty of people with PhDs who I consider stupid, and plenty with little formal education who are more than my equal intellectually. The PhD means that somebody has worked their way through grad school, and that's about it. It's not a measure of intelligence. You shouldn't be intimidated by it, so stop that. (Sorry I can't offer advice on how).
Speaking personally, I am attracted to ladies who are not intellectually lazy, who are intelligent, and who are capable of understanding what I say (not specialised science stuff, just general conversation). That's pretty much anybody who thinks about things, maybe reads a book once in a while. No PhD or Nobel Prize required. So I think your fears are entirely unfounded.
posted by nowonmai at 1:37 PM on February 9

Personally, I seriously dated a man working on a scientific PhD. while I was pursuing a Bachelor's in interior design. Very, very different fields and academic levels. I felt we were intellectual equals, although he was more focused and hard-working. To flip the sexes around, my sister is working on a scientific PhD. while her fiance is a non-degreed musician. They are ridiculously happy together.

Academic prowess is only one kind of many smarts. This is a self-confidence issue on your part: you know you're not dumb, so you need to stop acting like a pieces of paper are accurate gauges of IQ.
posted by exquisite_deluxe at 6:46 PM on February 9

oh, and btw. tho my ex-bf has a Ph.D in math, his emotional IQ was, let's just say…less than stellar.
posted by violetk at 1:02 AM on February 12