The 'One-Who-Got-Away' won't stay away!

February 4, 2008 11:38 AM

Ex-Filter: How do I rebuff an old flame's friendship with being rude? (Longish) Backstory within...

Last night my (now married) college boyfriend got in touch and said he wants to meet up and has 'lots of news'. I still hold a flame for him and don't really want to hear that he and his wife are pregnant or moving to the country or whatever but I don't know how to say it.

Backstory: I instigated the break-up ten years ago, because at the time I wanted to go exploring and he didn't and I knew we were moving in different directions, he took it very hard at the time but he understood and there was no acrimony. It was the right thing to do, but I never really stopped loving him (those college romances!). We've lived in different cities/countries since and over the years we've met up maybe once or twice a year and always had that spark but nothing happened, one or both of us was always seeing someone else. I wasn't the settling type then so my relationships never felt that serious or lasted much longer than a year. I guess really, in the the back of my mind I was waiting for him to be single again (doh!).

Cut to 2006, I hadn't heard from him for a while when he wrote to tell me he was getting married to the girlfriend he'd been seeing for a couple of years. I'd met her once before but had no idea it was headed that way. I didn't let on but it hit me very hard. Later that year I was visiting friends nearby. He invited me to meet up, I didn't know but his fiance was out of town. We stayed up talking most of the night and I ended up admitting I was gutted to realise it was finally over between us. He didn't say much, just hugged me for a time and seemed kind of sad. Nothing happened, we slept in separate rooms and I left in the morning. He later called me and apologised, but what was there to apologise for? I just said we'd moved on and that was it. They got married a few months later and I didn't contact him again. We move in very distant circles so it's easy to stay out of their way.

Last year I got a new job, moved to the capital and started dating again. The ex has since been in touch a few times asking to meet up when he's here for work but I've fobbed him off because although I'm genuinely happy for him, seeing him now unsettles me. I'm still hugely attracted to him and (probably because I'm available) I feel like I'm transgressing a boundary. How do I explain that I'm not comfortable meeting up now without coming off as a drama queen or acccusing him of something immoral?! I can't be sure of my motives, and I don't really understand his, maybe he does just want to hang out with someone dear to him and doesn't get why I don't. I think I'd rather we just left it in the past as a bunch of sweet memories and not see eachother til I'm in a better place relationship-wise and we can truly become friends rather than ex-lovers. I'm also not comfortable with the possibility that he may like hanging out with me because I represent a more intense, carefree time, which kind of negates where I am now.

Is it reasonable to say 'look, I'm good and happy and everything but not really adjusted to the you-being-married thing, can we give it another few years before attempting to be friends?'. Or should I stop being so neurotic, agree to meet, listen to his news with a big fake smile and just suck it up?

Any perspectives appreciated!

posted by anonymous to human relations (20 comments total)

he wants to meet up and has 'lots of news'...

Sounds like his marriage may be ending. Don't write him off if there's a possible upside.

Good luck.
posted by JimN2TAW at 11:44 AM on February 4, 2008

IMO, your proposed statement is perfectly reasonable. You know where you need your boundaries to be; enforcing them is right and proper and leads to far less drama in the long run.
posted by restless_nomad at 11:45 AM on February 4, 2008

Is it reasonable to say 'look, I'm good and happy and everything but not really adjusted to the you-being-married thing, can we give it another few years before attempting to be friends?'

Absolutely.
posted by googly at 11:53 AM on February 4, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

This guy has kept you on backup for years. Having you over when his fiance was out of town? Way sketchy, and he can sense that you know that, which is why he apologized. And now he's calling you, teasing you with the "I have a secret" game? Keep him at arm's length. Or further.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:54 AM on February 4, 2008 [6 favorites has favorites]

Is it reasonable to say 'look, I'm good and happy and everything but not really adjusted to the you-being-married thing, can we give it another few years before attempting to be friends?'.

Entirely reasonable and actually a very good idea. Just take off the question mark and your wording is perfect. This shows that it's your problem still, nothing to do with him and nothing he can do about it, while being nice and straight about where you're at right now.

You don't need to get into a discussion with him about this either. The information given in this sentence is all he needs, don't get drawn into justifying or arguing with him. If he's still friendship material he'll let it drop a few years.
posted by shelleycat at 11:59 AM on February 4, 2008

Is it reasonable to say 'look, I'm good and happy and everything but not really adjusted to the you-being-married thing, can we give it another few years before attempting to be friends?'.

It is completely reasonable and I think it's exactly what you should say. It's to the point and it isn't rude.
posted by PFL at 12:05 PM on February 4, 2008

Perfectly reasonable, and honest without being hurtful. And you're not being neurotic; you're taking care of your own emotional needs and boundaries in a healthy way that shows real self-respect -- something that people would do we to do more often.
posted by scody at 12:11 PM on February 4, 2008

(argh, "would do well to do more often.")
posted by scody at 12:11 PM on February 4, 2008

Is it reasonable to say ...

Not only is it reasonable, he would probably prefer that (if he really is your friend).

He didn't say much, just hugged me for a time and seemed kind of sad ... He later called me and apologised

And, based on that, I would say he really is your friend.
posted by probablysteve at 12:13 PM on February 4, 2008

Having you over when his fiance was out of town? Way sketchy, and he can sense that you know that, which is why he apologized.

I have to agree with this assessment. It's totally fine of you to set up boundaries especially if you just do it matter-of-factly "this is something I want to do for me" and not implying that he's in any way being creepy wrong or weird about it (that really continues the relationship anyhow and what you want to do is turn the whole thing OFF, not let it simmer more). You seem like you have a reasonable approach to this, you're not blaming anyone, but you feel like it would be difficult for the two of you to meet.

If you're feeling like this is an in-person thing, you could always consider connecting via chat/IM/facebook which is a little less intimate (certainly less so than sleeping over!) and an easier way to get news rather than having some sort of meeting. It seems like his "we HAVE to see each other" is really too much for you and I think it's okay for you to say "no actually, we do not" without being neurotic or in any way out of line. You do not have a current relationship with this man.

I'm also not comfortable with the possibility that he may like hanging out with me because I represent a more intense, carefree time, which kind of negates where I am now.

I have that situation with a few people, I'd consider it as less of an issue than everything else. Whatever his motives are, you have your own emotions and approaches and the're valid and feel free to find a positive way to let him know that. You seem to be doing just fine.
posted by jessamyn at 12:21 PM on February 4, 2008

Your hesitation is understandable. And considering that he knows how hard it was for you to accept "the end," he should get it if you tell him exactly what you said in your post. And if his news is something of the "I'm getting divorced" variety, he will definitely let you know.
posted by Ruby Doomsday at 1:01 PM on February 4, 2008

Maybe I'm just being dude, but I don't see how this guy is the bad guy here and hasn't kept her as the backup for years. The girl was his top choice, and she decided she wanted something else. Since then it seems like if anything this girl has kept him as her backup and is now disappointed that he's finally moved on.

That said, If you're not comfortable being friends, then don't. You're allowed that, of course. But I don't seem why people are making this guy out to seem like a jerk with no evidence to that point. She told him she still had feeling, and he hugged her, and they slept in separate beds (he was engaged).
posted by apetpsychic at 1:17 PM on February 4, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Wow -- for a minute I thought I had a blackout and wrote this one! (Except my ex was already married when he contacted me and wanted to meet up when I was in Paris. . . )

Just Say No.

The guy's having second thoughts whether he knows it or not. He needs to handle that by himself. You need distance to get over him completely. So tell him you wish him well but can't meet up. It's not necessary to explain because honestly, you don't owe him anything. Good luck.
posted by gsh at 2:02 PM on February 4, 2008

Maybe I'm just being dude, but I don't see how this guy is the bad guy here and hasn't kept her as the backup for years. The girl was his top choice, and she decided she wanted something else. Since then it seems like if anything this girl has kept him as her backup and is now disappointed that he's finally moved on.
posted by apetpsychic

This was my first thought as well when reading the question, and was honestly surprised someone would see the guy as "in the wrong" here. Oh well.

But to actually answer the question, I'd agree with pretty much everyone else (like you need to hear more agreeing ...). You don't feel comfortable seeing him. Your life/mental health should be more important to you than hanging out with an ex. Stop hanging out with him until when/if you feel fine with it.
posted by Arbac at 2:28 PM on February 4, 2008

I think your plan is fine, should you choose to follow through with it, but personally, I feel the two of you would be better off in the longer term by talking MORE frequently rather than less frequently. That includes face to face meetings like the one suggested. Both of you need to DESENSITIZE to what only seemed ideal now that the time has passed and one or the other at least "appears" to be in a better place. Romanticizing such "lost" or "left" loves isn't unusual, but it isn't particularly mature either. As you both desensitize from your exposure to each other, I think you have a better chance of understanding EXACTLY why the two of you are not together now. There is that chance that you really do belong together also. I must say that I don't think that you believe that in your heart though. Your actions have heretofore not supported that. I also don't believe you see yourself as his lifelong friend frankly. If I am wrong about that last statement, then plaster on that smile and try to empathize with his current happiness, or lack thereof, because that is exactly what friends will do for each other, regardless of how shitty their current circumstances may be.
posted by LiveLurker at 4:19 PM on February 4, 2008

Sounds like his marriage may be ending. Don't write him off if there's a possible upside.

I'm going to second that, it does seem entirely possible his big news is along those lines. But who knows, maybe it's a "she's pregnant" big news.

I don't think he's a bad guy, per se, but having you over when the fiance was out of town is pretty dubious, not the least because she likely had no idea. Certainly it's not the same thing as meeting an old friend for lunch, even if nothing beyond hugging happened.

In any case, it's entirely reasonable for you to not want to hang out or whatever, and to feel uncomfortable with the situation. But you might also consider trying to feel him out for the big news only you would actually be interested in pursuing a relationship if his is ending. That's definitely a big if and don't get your hopes up.

And a last point: not too many exes end up staying friends or becoming friends again. Yes, sometimes it happens, but it's pretty rare to have a meaningful and lasting friendship. So it may never happen with you and this guy.
posted by 6550 at 5:43 PM on February 4, 2008

My original thought was to tell him, in a completely friendly, tongue-in-cheek kind of way, "Unless your news is that you're getting a divorce, why don't we just get together another time?" :) But your "Look, I'm good and happy" idea is better. Plus, if you say that, it gives him the opening to come back with, "But my news is that I'm getting a divorce!" Win-win. ;)

I don't feel like he's the bad guy either, but even if he isn't stringing you along, you're stringing yourself along. I been there, I done that, and it just isn't useful. Maybe after a longer while you'll be able to be friends without any hangups. Or maybe he'll divorce. ;)

Good luck.
posted by iguanapolitico at 6:35 PM on February 4, 2008

Sounds like his marriage may be ending. Don't write him off if there's a possible upside.

Even if this is true, there's going to be some time required for him to sort that out and wouldn't probably NOT be ready for you.

I'd say STAY AWAY. There are some people who just get to you and if he's like that, you're powerless to defend yourself.
posted by MiffyCLB at 12:57 PM on February 5, 2008

I think your idea of asking to wait a couple years is a good one. If it's true, I'd reinforce that you would like to be friends, but that'll have to wait for the situation in your life to shift a bit.

(If he's calling to tell you "big news, I'm geting divorced," you can find out on, like, Friendster, or hear more about it in 18 months or so when he might be a bit closer to getting over it.)
posted by salvia at 2:18 PM on February 5, 2008

I think the big news is probably pregnancy, moving to the country, something along those lines. I don't think people generally announce sad/hard news like a divorce in that fashion. And as someone already pointed out, he would probably need some time before dating agin if it IS a divorce. I think you should respect your feelings and not spend time with him as long as he is married and you are single. It doesn't make you neurotic or a drama queen at all. Likely you WILL hear the news through the grapevine/see it in the paper if they are pregnant, so you should prepare yourself mentally for that I think. These things take time to process sometimes.
posted by Penelope at 11:17 AM on March 27, 2008