Am I a bad person for not grieving over my grandfather's death?

February 1, 2008 1:18 PM

Two years ago, my grandfather suffered a rare stroke in his brain stem that rendered him in what could only be called a waking coma. Think The Diving Bell and the Butterfly but without any capability of communicating. He died two weeks ago in Israel, where he lived with my grandmother.

I haven't been close to my paternal grandparents since I was about nine (I'm 25). The last time I saw my grandfather was a year ago. He was basically a vegetable, hooked up to tubes, his expression blank, his eyes wide open. I silently said my goodbye. I and many other family members stopped visiting. I moved to Los Angeles soon thereafter.

My grandmother, who I've been estranged from for years, stayed at his bedside every day since the stroke. She refused to disclose to the officials at the hospice that my grandfather had a living will requesting euthanasia if he was ever rendered in such a state. This only widened the distance between her and many members of my family.

After my dad told me his father had finally passed away, I called her to express my condolences. It was a brief conversation.

I didn't go to the funeral. (Neither did other family members who live in the states, including his brother.)

Family and friends of my dad, some of which have zero connection to my grandparents, did. They also visited my grandmother, who many had never even met before, during the week-long wake. This annoys me. I am annoyed that this annoys me.

Bottom line: I said my goodbyes to him a year ago. Everyone, his family and friends, did the same, except my grandmother. We are all relieved he is at peace. Now Family and friends keep sending their condolences, over and over and over again, which is nice, but I don't know how to react. I feel terrible that I can't bring myself to mourn the way I think others think I should.

Bottom line: Am I a bad person for not feeling or expressing grief publicly over this?

posted by bondgirl53001 to human relations (20 comments total)

Bottom line: Am I a bad person for not feeling or expressing grief publicly over this?

No, I don't think so.
posted by jquinby at 1:21 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

You are not a Bad Person in my opinion.
posted by aramaic at 1:28 PM on February 1, 2008

No, of course you aren't a bad person. You did your mourning. If someone sends you condolences, simply say "Thank you, I appreciate your concern." If you have to, send out thank-you cards that say no more than that.

As far as family and friends visiting your grandmother, I don't know why this would annoy you. I wouldn't think it would concern you one way or the other. You are doing what you think is right; let them do what they think is right and move on with your life.

Sorry about your loss, by the way.
posted by Guy_Inamonkeysuit at 1:31 PM on February 1, 2008

This annoys me. I am annoyed that this annoys me.

Stress affects people different ways. It may make you irritable and that's totally okay. When close friend of the family died last year, I didn't grieve, didn't realy cope with it particularly well and just couldn't wake up for a few weeks... just stayed groggy and sleepy and irritable. It was rough because at some level I wasn't "sad" but at some other level how I was feeling was clearly related to her swift decline and death. You've had a long time to grow accustomed to not having this grandfather in your life, but there's going to be an adjustment as other people get to that point, and your grandmother is going to have her own issues being finally and definitively not partnered to someone who is alive anymore.

Be kind to yourself. The way you are feeling is an okay way to feel. Try to allow others the same space. I am sorry, in any case, that this is a troubling time for you.
posted by jessamyn at 1:38 PM on February 1, 2008 [1 favorite]

Grief is purely about your feelings.
I felt slightly cold at times when I decided not to go to my grandfather's funeral, but I didn't like anyone who would be going, and he and I never liked each other. One could argue respect as a reason to go, but he never showed any to my family so...
Perhaps your annoyance at people visiting your grandmother is just at what is considered the normal response to death? I know it bugs me that people suddenly start behaving irrationally, and not even those who are grieving.

Also, I don't see the problem, in replying to people offering condolence, to saying thankyou, but it's OK, you weren't close.
posted by opsin at 1:39 PM on February 1, 2008

You are allowed to feel how you like about this -- it's not bad that you're not mourning, especially if you've already gone through that emotional process.

On the other hand, your grandmother is also allowed to feel how she'd like about this, and if she wishes to mourn and be consoled and go through the grieving process, that is also okay.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:41 PM on February 1, 2008

On the other hand, I'll weigh in that jessamyn's post was eloquent and insightful. As I say, even the time expecting my grandfather's death, and the time afterwards had some effect on me, even if I don't consider myself to have been in grief or attended his funeral.
posted by opsin at 1:43 PM on February 1, 2008

I'm echoing what others are saying, I know, but they're saying the right things. Everyone faces death differently, and it sounds like many people had different kinds of relationships with your grandparents. A slow lingering death is very difficult for all family members - my grandfather was in a similar situation due to cancer and other illnesses, and we basically watched him die over a period of years. It's good that you feel you had a chance to say goodbye - but it's also something you're not done with emotionally, since you still feel badly for not expressing grief publicly. It's really easy to be hard on yourself and feel you should behave in certain ways if it's expected - only there are really no set ways to grieve in our society. And there are many many people who prefer to keep such emotions private. It's also not something that you may get over very quickly, so give yourself time. It's also ok to feel angry about the situation - that's actually something many people feel about death in general.

"I feel terrible that I can't bring myself to mourn the way I think others think I should."

You are being very hard on yourself. Unless someone comes out and says this to you - then you should not try and assume that this is what they're actually thinking. There are so many reactions to death that there's really not one way to feel and act - if you have multiple conflicting emotions - you're normal. And again - it's ok to keep your emotions private. It's ok if those emotions aren't all tears but include anger and annoyance.

Your irritation towards the family who did go to the funeral - well, that may just be you trying to make yourself feel guilty, as if that was what you "should" do if you were a "good grandchild." Funerals aren't really for the dead - they're for the living. It sounds like it was a good idea for you not to attend - as your annoyance towards your grandmother wouldn't have made it an easy thing for you or your family. So you did the right thing - don't let yourself feel you should have done anything differently. The rest of the family that was there - try and think of it as a good thing in that no matter how you feel about your grandmother personally, at least she had people around her. It would have been much worse had there been no one but your grandmother in attendance.

If anyone asks you anything point blank, or sends you a condolence card - just thank them. It's ok to change the subject, to not talk about it. You don't have to show your feelings to just anyone. Now, if you do want to talk over your feelings - I'd suggest a good friend who has dealt with death, or a counselor. Because I'm not advocating bottling up and ignoring how you're feeling - just trying to say that it's ok to want some privacy.

If you take anything away from this let it be - go easier on yourself. You've been through a lot, don't judge yourself so harshly. And you're definitely not a bad person to have had any of those feelings. I recognize a lot of them from my own experience. Take care.
posted by batgrlHG at 2:34 PM on February 1, 2008

It sounds to me like you are mourning. You've gotten to the acceptance stage (it seems) with his death, but your annoyance with your grandmother indicates that you're mourning the way his last year turned out, and that's totally fine. You loved him and you wanted to see his choices respected and you didn't want to see him in pain. So, don't feel bad about feeling annoyed. Let yourself grieve in your own way.
posted by heatherann at 2:38 PM on February 1, 2008

No, you're not a terrible person.

The people who keep sending condolences don't know how to react, either. Just tell them that you appreciate their thoughts, and leave it at that.
posted by anaelith at 3:14 PM on February 1, 2008

Bottom line: Am I a bad person for not feeling or expressing grief publicly over this?

You ARE NOT a bad person for not feeling grief towards your grandfather's passing.

However, I am curious about the annoyance towards your grandmother. You only know (passingly?) about the living will - but you never were there for the moments of tenderness that your grandmother shared with him. SHE sat with him while he was in the hospital. She probably talked to him. She probably read to him. And, most likely, she probably grieved for him more than just at the funeral. She probably didn't want to say goodbye knowing that she was going to live without him. ("till death do us part") Could you give the OK to "pull the plug"? Your grandmother probably now is somewhat lost without him.

I would say; don't be sad about your grandfather - his misery is over. But do work this thing out with your grandmother. Life's choices can seem easy at 25 - almost black and white - but as you get older, you sometimes see things in shades of grey.

Repeating: You are not a bad person.
posted by fox_terrier_guy at 3:15 PM on February 1, 2008

Don't choose to see yourself as a bad person. Choose to focus on the fact he isn't suffering anymore, and for that there is gladness. No one is judging you for how you grieve because grieving is so personal.
posted by 45moore45 at 3:19 PM on February 1, 2008

No. I was not close to my father's parents, and when both of them died, I was not very upset. There is a lot of family history there to do with why, but suffice to say that you are not the only person who has been in this situation. You are not a bad person. If people offer condolences, just be courteous. It worked for me.

As for your grandmother - only you know whether or not you need to patch up that relationship.
posted by Medieval Maven at 3:20 PM on February 1, 2008

Standard, polite (bonus, it's honest) response is, "Thank you for your kind words."

If someone assumes that you were close or asks if you're sad or otherwise expresses a level of condolence out of proportion with your relationship with your grandfather, well...I'll adapt freely from your post and suggest that you just say something like, "I said my goodbyes a long time ago, it's very sad for my grandmother, but I'm glad he's at peace."
posted by desuetude at 3:34 PM on February 1, 2008

When someone has kind of/mostly mentally died long before their body does, this happens.

I had a similar situation, only dragged out over a decade, and my mom was the one who was kinda "la la la in denial" about the "no extreme measures" thing my dad had signed. It took her about a year and a half after Dad became permanently hospitalized for her to decide to pull the plug. I resented her for it. (Note to everyone: if your nearest relative does not agree with living wills, you're fucked. As am I if I ever get sick like this, whee.)

When it finally happened, she was definitely a lot sadder than...well, the entire rest of the family, who had pretty much come to terms with the whole thing. I certainly did feel (still do) like a cold blackhearted bitch because I'm not going around sobbing, "My daddy's gone!" compared to her. I am just glad he isn't suffering any more, and am happier NOT watching him suffer.

People who haven't been in the situation themselves don't really know how to handle it. They're going to think you feel the same way as someone who had a relative die unexpectedly in the peak of life, and treat you accordingly. The best you can do is to try to remain polite and respectful of other people's grief even if you don't share it, and just say, "Thank you for the condolences" (or whatever) to people who give them to you.

And for the record, very few people were at my dad's funeral who actually knew him in his prime. Relatives and his old co-workers came (his friends lived out of state), but most of the attendees were people who knew my mom during his illness, and they came to support her. Odds are those random people are doing stuff like seeing your grandmother to support your dad.

Semi-off-topic, I found this today, you might find it interesting.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:55 PM on February 1, 2008

When do we die?

When our heart stops beating? When our brain turns the light off of everything we call, in short, life, but the heart keeps beating? When somebody, for whatever reason -- living will or not -- stops pumping air in our corpse's lungs and sugar water in our corpse's blood?

We don't all have the same answer to this question; and we have no control, mostly, on the circumstances of our passing -- whether we'll die with our last smile and our last joke, or if we'll die in the last spasm of a wounded animal's agony.

When do mourn or stop mourning? Why different people stop mourning the loss of a loved one at different times, in different ways? Why do feel guilty for things we may or may not have control over, if at all?

I'd like to be able to tell you that a book -- or maybe the Book -- has the answers to such questions -- much better men, and much better learned than I, have failed to find the answers there. But Shakespeare is indeed very clear on the topic of the ghosts who haunt us, who haunt our lives, even if we're under the impression that the earth belongs to the living -- I also, sometimes, go back to Seneca, one of the wisest men who have ever walked this earth, and he does write of the need -- the duty -- to mourn. He writes of enemies declaring a truce to war, in order to bury the dead -- Homer's lesson, after all, coming from the dawn of civilization. But tears are trickier. You don't measure sorrow by measuring how many tears we shed, as in a crying contest -- please don't do that, it's supremely unfair.

I think you think that your grandfather died when his brain stem was damaged in such a horrible, cruel fashion; I've been in your position, more or less, looking for a glimmer of recognition in a loved one's eyes, hoping against hope that in the corridors of our memory a little light may survive somewhere, somehow, even after the most complete devastation ravaged by illness -- maybe if we see the face or hear the voice or feel the touch of somebody who loves us?

I cannot tell you I know exactly when -- the moment he stopped smiling back at his family and closest friends, or the moment he stopped reacting at all. Or maybe the moment his heart stopped beating? I don't know.

I know that nobody can really tell you how and how long you should mourn, and when if at all you should stop. And your feelings to your grandmother may or may not change in the future. Forgiveness is not the same as understanding; the latter is much less difficult to obtain, with time. You can withhold the former even when giving the latter.

Your grandfather died in Israel -- the Torah tells us that even if Moses himself is away, on the mountain, and is not physically with us, the Lord's presence never ceases to be here -- He is here even when He is not here. Because His presence is not made of flesh, and of human voice, in order to be visible and to be heard.

You said goodbye to your grandfather. And you are right, he has now been freed of his burden, of his wandering for two years in the desert of his mind. In life as in death, your grandfather was loved. Not just by your grandmother, or you wouldn't have asked this question.

It's more than you think.
posted by matteo at 3:56 PM on February 1, 2008 [3 favorites]

Mourn at your own pace. It is nobody else's brief to tell you when, how much, or how. If you already did some of it earlier, which is common when there is a terminal illness, that's fine. If you are saving up some for later, which is also common, that's fine too.

You're feeling a little bit of guilt, and that's normal too. Guilt is especially an issue when the death was distant and you didn't have much contact. If the guilt bothers you, you may consider seeing a counselor such as your pastor. It probably arises specifically because of the difficult relationship.
posted by dhartung at 4:07 PM on February 1, 2008

Bottom line: Am I a bad person for not feeling or expressing grief publicly over this?

No, of course not.

Death and dying is hard for the living to deal with. Respect your own needs, and try to respect the needs of others as much as you can.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:16 PM on February 1, 2008

No, you are not a bad person.

I'm very familiar with this question. I've wrestled with it several times.

Look, some people will have such an impact on your life that if they pass away you will travel 3,000 miles at a moment's notice. They may be your blood or not. Maybe a good friend that you loved and trusted for a long time. Maybe a distant cousin that you shared so much with in the past. Maybe a former lover or spouse that, while no longer together, you still respect and care about.

On the other hand, you don't go ( because of the trouble getting there or because you are too busy with the constant needs of your everyday life, ect. ) to the funerals of blood relatives that you had little contact with or who you just didn't like or who were so difficult you never had the chance to establish a relationship. You send a flower arrangement and call or write a letter. Maybe send a donation to the charity they have indicated. Doing these things does not make you a bad person.

It's only natural that you would feel guilty for not attending their funeral. I certainly have.
And no matter how old I am, how experienced I become, or how wise I may become I will still feel lingering guilt for not attending their funeral.

Sometimes it is very hard to be a friend to yourself. Be a friend to yourself. You are not bad, you are human.
posted by TrolleyOffTheTracks at 10:29 PM on February 1, 2008

i was exact same way with my grandparents, and i dont consider myself to be a bad person for it.

I grew up for many years with my grandparents in india, then moved back to the states. They were like parents to me, for quite a few years.
20 years later, i'm in late 20s and working in boston, and grandma dies. it was sudden, a heart attack. The outpouring of grief by my family members was phenomenal. Not for me though. I didnt even go to the funeral in india (everyone else did; i had just entered grad school and couldnt miss two weeks in mid-semester). I'm estranged from some of the other relatives there anyway. And I'm fairly stoic to begin with.

I always knew that people there probably thought ill of me for not going - after all I had grown up with her, loved her as a mother.
But I feel like I had made my peace with her death long ago. She was already quite old when we last visited (I was around 20) and I knew it would be unlikely that I'd see her again. We had a great relationship, I adored her and she knew it. There were no loose ends and no regrets of "wish I could have said..." etc.
About a year later I wrote a letter to my grandfather because I didnt want him to think I was a nut for not going to the funeral. He wrote back and said he understood completely.

Now he's in his 90's and will probably go soon. With his death my last major family connection with india will go too. I dont know that I'll go to his funeral either, even though I love and respect him very much. I think he knows all that and I dont believe he would think ill of me. I think he understands that I just have my own way of grieving.

Long story short, I'm not a bad person, and the two most important people dont think so either. I just deal with death differently from others. If they dont understand that I dont think I can help them to understand it anyway.
posted by jak68 at 3:31 AM on February 2, 2008