I'm being that jealous girl and it's cramping my style
January 30, 2008 7:56 PM Subscribe
I am irrationally jealous of his opposite-sex friendships, though I have plenty of my own - how to stop?
posted by DuckGirl to Human Relations (9 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
Have been dating a wonderful, intelligent, kind, sweet, sexy, funny man for almost a year. I am late 20s, he is early 30s; we had both had a full set of relationships and experiences before meeting each other. I grew up on the opposite side of the country and lived most of my adult life there, so most of my "past" still resides there; he lives/we live together in the same town where he grew up/lived for most of his adult life.
Part of what draws us together are similar personality traits, including both of us being a little bit insular, a little bit quiet, a little bit more drawn to opposite-sex friendships than same sex ones. Both of us consider people of the opposite sex to be some of our small handful of close friends; for me that includes some men I was casually involved with and some I was not. I am still in touch with some of the men I dated more seriously, but that contact is not frequent as they are across the country.
When I first met him, he was very recently out of a relationship and had also been spending a lot of time with a woman who he had dated for a couple of years before the other relationship. She had professed her remaining love for him (literally a week or so before I entered the picture). He has steadfastly told me he does not feel the same way about her and also has not been very much in contact with her since we have been dating but I can tell he misses her friendship by the way he talks about her (though I also believe he is not in love with her and was not for a long time when they were dating).
I feel awkward about this. I feel like a complete hypocrite for having close male friends and not wanting the same for him, but I also feel like it's wrong of him to desire a friendship with someone who he used to be in a relationship with and who might still have feelings for him. It makes me feel confused and insecure and angsty in a way that I do not like.
He, on the other hand, is greatly tolerant of my friendships, to the point of spending time on his own with male friends of mine and really and truly not seeming jealous at all.
Am I just being overly jealous and extrapolating where I need not? Or should I be concerned that he wants to pursue a friendship with a woman who he says he doesn't love but who said she loved him?