Do I tell my boyfriend I know his ex-wife?

January 25, 2008 5:37 PM

Do I tell my boyfriend I know his ex-wife? Their separation was particularly messy.

Long story short: My boyfriend was married to a woman (whom I happen to know in a professional context) for two years after dating for a number of years. They divorced in 2006 because she cheated on him after falling in love with his best friend, with whom she is still in a relationship.

I'm not comfortable revealing the specifics of my situation, but I know ALL about my boyfriend's history with his ex-wife: from the time they met to the present. I don't speak to her anymore and neither does he, but I knew her when they were married, and she definitely knows who I am. All my boyfriend has told me is that he was once married and that it ended badly. He has also revealed her name. On one occasion he suggested I might know her, but I said I didn't know anyone by her name.

I feel shitty for withholding all that I know because, aside from being deceitful, it affects how I feel about him. I know he isn't over her. I'm so much like her that it makes me uncomfortable because drawing comparisons is inevitable. (I'd love to give specifics because our similarities are uncanny, but unfortunately they are still too revealing for the internet.) I feel like I have to live up to her. I overlook some of the shitty things he's done by rationalizing that he was badly hurt in the past, making his current behavior justified.

And what if she ever sees us together? What do I say then?

So my question is, do I tell him? Ever? How would you feel if your significant other knew either your ex or the specific details regarding your relationship with an ex? Knowing all I know, is my relationship doomed? Can any good come of this knowledge?

posted by anonymous to grab bag (27 comments total)

Tell him. Nothing good will come from withholding the info. At least once it is in the open it can be addressed.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:42 PM on January 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

The sooner you tell him, the sooner the damage-reduction can begin. Tell him.
posted by BitterOldPunk at 5:43 PM on January 25, 2008

If you think he's short-term, I wouldn't bother. However, in the interests of an open and honest relationship, I would tell. On the other hand, I also wouldn't make excuses for his behaviour based on his previous relationship.

I'd do this: "Boyfriend, I've been too uncomfortable to tell you in the past, but our relationship is progressing, and it doesn't feel right not to let you know. I knew your ex from a professional context. I hope you can forgive me for not telling you sooner."

For me, though, I'd hate to be in a relationship where I'd obviously been chosen to replace someone else. I couldn't live with that longterm. Only you know if you can.
posted by b33j at 5:48 PM on January 25, 2008 [3 favorites]

Tell him... better you do then for him to find out later on. No good can come of that.
posted by irishkitten at 5:57 PM on January 25, 2008

You make it sound as if you know details of their relationship from the ex rather than him. If that's so, and it sounds like you're judging him based on it for better or worse, it seems like he ought to get a chance to tell his side of the story.
posted by XMLicious at 6:28 PM on January 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

Meh...I hate to advocate dishonesty ( I guess somebody has to play Devil's advocate), but, really...what do you have to gain from telling him? A clearer conscience? That's about it. What do you have to lose? Probably his trust, if not him. The choice is yours.

Sure, I'm all about open and honest relationships, but we all have secrets to some extent. I really wouldn't bother telling at this point. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but I think you might have crossed the line of no return. If you spill now, he'll wonder why you never told (it really is quite a mundane detail to hide).

If you run into her: feign ignorance. Be civil to her, and later say "Oh, her? I should have realized that's who it was..."

I'm probably now officially a bad person for giving advice on how to be dishonest. But really, practically, some secrets are best kept under wraps.
posted by General Malaise at 6:31 PM on January 25, 2008

I feel shitty for withholding all that I know

As you should. Really, what the hell are you doing?

Speaking as an ex-husband, it's really okay with me if someone knows my ex-wife. It would never even occur to me that someone would lie about such a thing, and if I found out my current girlfriend had done so over an extended period I would drop her like a hot potato -- because if she's compelled to lie over something like that, how am I going to trust her around things that really are important?

You've taken a serious wrong turn here, and the sooner you clear the air the better.
posted by tkolar at 6:43 PM on January 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

There is no good reason I can see to maintain this deception. Come clean immediately. I doubt it'll change the way he feels about you, and you'll feel better.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:07 PM on January 25, 2008

Truth will out. Be the one to out it and it will suck less for you.
posted by mumkin at 7:10 PM on January 25, 2008

Through complete coincidence, I ended up dating the woman who introduced my ex-wife to her second husband; the circumstances of our meeting is a convoluted small-world story, but neither of us had any idea of the connections before we started going out. So I was pretty much on the opposite side of the situation you describe. Yeah, it was weird when my new girlfriend told me "Hey, you know, it's strange, but I introduced Kim to Harry" (not their real names). Yes, I was curious to know what she'd heard about me, and what she thought about the new husband, all that, and yes, those conversations were a bit awkward. But if she hadn't told me right away, and I found out later, well, that'd be really freaky.
posted by MrMoonPie at 7:30 PM on January 25, 2008

Yes. As someone who has been in an a similar situation, I would have wanted to hear it. There is no simple answer, but, when the chips are down, honesty goes a long way. It can be a conversation starter that facilitates easy conversation about a difficult subject. Further, it can position you as a voice of reason who has not taken "a side". Just my opinion but if you play this well, you will be in a great place (relationship-wise, that is).

Good luck!
posted by zerobyproxy at 7:42 PM on January 25, 2008

What happens if you two happen to see the ex on a night out at some random restaurant and she says "hey anon! good to see you!" Are you going to pretend you don't know her?

You need to tell him.
posted by fan_of_all_things_small at 8:03 PM on January 25, 2008

There's a golden rule that applies to business and politics and just as much to relationships: it's never the mistake that sinks you. Rather, it's the subsequent cover-up.

Tell him.
posted by runningdogofcapitalism at 8:10 PM on January 25, 2008 [1 favorite]

I know he isn't over her. I'm so much like her that it makes me uncomfortable because drawing comparisons is inevitable. (I'd love to give specifics because our similarities are uncanny, but unfortunately they are still too revealing for the internet.) I feel like I have to live up to her. I overlook some of the shitty things he's done by rationalizing that he was badly hurt in the past, making his current behavior justified.

And what if she ever sees us together? What do I say then?

None of this stuff is a valid reason for not telling him. It's almost as if you think that, by bringing your knowledge of his past to light, you will somehow be losing the relationship you have, and taking on the relationship that he used to have. As if he'll stop seeing you and start seeing her.

Well...you've got to get past that. If he finds out that you've been hiding this, though, then the above could turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
posted by bingo at 8:45 PM on January 25, 2008

tell him. use your feminine wiles to engineer a conversation in which her existence is mentioned. say, "oh god, is she xx? who works at yy?" he'll say yes, and then you say, "oh my god, i used to know her! we worked on the zz project together. i wonder why i never put that together before. could you pass the butter?"

cat out of the bag, and no harm done.
posted by thinkingwoman at 9:49 PM on January 25, 2008 [2 favorites]

tell.
posted by pompomtom at 10:12 PM on January 25, 2008

Fess up. It will be fine.
posted by LarryC at 10:18 PM on January 25, 2008

On one occasion he suggested I might know her, but I said I didn't know anyone by her name.

Well that was pretty stupid. Now you've lied to him. Which means when he finds out you lied to him--which is inevitable--he's going to start asking all these questions in his head... "why did she lie?" ... "what's she trying to hide?" ... etc. People who have been hurt in the past are naturally weary of the same thing happening again, and you've just given him a whole bunch of insecurity-ammunition.

I'm so much like her that it makes me uncomfortable because drawing comparisons is inevitable.

Look, there's only one similarity that matters to him. Will you cheat on him like his wife did? That's the only similarity that should concern you, because that's the only one that matters. Don't worry about trying to "live up" to his memory of her, because look where that ended up.

And anyway, you're already "living up" to his ex- by lying to him. Why not be better than his ex- by fessing up?
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:54 PM on January 25, 2008

You have to tell him. Otherwise you will risk having a much more awkward, tense, and possibly destructive confrontation when the truth is revealed inadvertently.
posted by HotPatatta at 10:55 PM on January 25, 2008

It sounds to me like you actually need to have two conversations:
1. I know her
2. I notice similarities between me and her. I feel awkward about that. What do you think about how similar she and I are? It makes me think you're not over her.

I'd start conversing before you build up the backlog further. :)

P.S. I just read the book Crucial Conversations, and it's great. Since you're piling up things that actually need to be expressed, you might get a lot out of a book like that.
posted by salvia at 11:48 PM on January 25, 2008

Do what b33j said, for mumkin's reason.
posted by flabdablet at 1:26 AM on January 26, 2008

I'm just puzzled as to why you said that you didn't know her??
...I find it strange and I can't figure out your motivation?
And I don't see how it matters whether you know her or not?
And then if you do know her why it matters whether you lie about it or not?
(Yes I know a lie is a lie - that's a trust thing. I mean more the.. application and consequences of it??)
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 5:06 AM on January 26, 2008

Wtf? If you had slept with her, this would make more sense. But this scenario seems like pointless deception and potential drama. Tell him. "Honey, I told you a fib and I need to come clean about it." It's really not a big deal, so telling him shouldn't be either. The only part I would keep to myself is whatever she said about their relationship. That, he doesn't need to hear. Pretend you didn't either.
posted by ottereroticist at 7:55 AM on January 26, 2008

Honesty is almost always the best policy.
posted by snowjoe at 8:02 AM on January 26, 2008

I feel like I have to live up to her.

Live up to her? This is an opportunity to surpass her and put her behind you entirely. Be better than she was. Start by telling the truth.
posted by Robert Angelo at 11:37 AM on January 26, 2008 [1 favorite]

tell him
posted by JimN2TAW at 12:01 PM on January 26, 2008

Tell him if you want the relationship to get serious. If you're just having fun, it's not a big deal, but if there's a short term thing you want with him, it doesn't matter. Otherwise, it's just "Little Black Book" starring Brittany Murphy, except with all the wanting to know more about the exes.
posted by onepapertiger at 7:43 PM on January 26, 2008