I love him, but can I forever?
January 15, 2008 7:36 PM Subscribe
The only thing scarier than the thought of being without my wonderful boyfriend in ten years... is the thought that I WILL still be with him. Help me make sense of this feeling!
I'm in an absolutely fantastic relationship right now, and the thought of it ending is just awful- I don't even want to think about it happening. Everything is going perfectly, we've been together for over a year, we're best friends as well as being in love. All great. Yet, I'm only twenty years old, and the thought that the two of us might actually be together FOREVER is completely terrifying to me. (It's a possibility- we're making plans that extend three years into the future, including living together after college). I've never been in love before now, never slept with anyone else, never really even seriously dated anyone else. I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life... yet, I love him very much and don't at all want to leave him, because we're perfect NOW, whatever the future may hold. Also, I know that if we stay together, I may very well lose all of my doubts and really not mind being with him forever. (Or, of course, I could decide I want out and drop this huge bomb on him in five years...)
So, in a nutshell... I can't even think about my life five or ten years from now without feeling ill, because either I'll still be with him or I won't, and both options scare me terribly.
I know this feeling can't be unique to me, so: how do people reconcile these kinds of feelings?
I'm in an absolutely fantastic relationship right now, and the thought of it ending is just awful- I don't even want to think about it happening. Everything is going perfectly, we've been together for over a year, we're best friends as well as being in love. All great. Yet, I'm only twenty years old, and the thought that the two of us might actually be together FOREVER is completely terrifying to me. (It's a possibility- we're making plans that extend three years into the future, including living together after college). I've never been in love before now, never slept with anyone else, never really even seriously dated anyone else. I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life... yet, I love him very much and don't at all want to leave him, because we're perfect NOW, whatever the future may hold. Also, I know that if we stay together, I may very well lose all of my doubts and really not mind being with him forever. (Or, of course, I could decide I want out and drop this huge bomb on him in five years...)
So, in a nutshell... I can't even think about my life five or ten years from now without feeling ill, because either I'll still be with him or I won't, and both options scare me terribly.
I know this feeling can't be unique to me, so: how do people reconcile these kinds of feelings?
How do we handle our overwhelming fear that the future will be something we're not ready to handle yet? One day at a time.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:52 PM on January 15, 2008 [30 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:52 PM on January 15, 2008 [30 favorites]
Why don't you just think about you in the next five or 10 years? Isn't there some goal you have that has nothing to do with him? In my wise, old, late-20s experience, lots of college relationships just end. It's a been a year. You or he could decide sometime before graduation that you don't want to be together.
posted by Airhen at 7:52 PM on January 15, 2008
posted by Airhen at 7:52 PM on January 15, 2008
Commit, commit, commit. Take it from someone who got terribly burned. It's worth it. How will you know what you're capable of otherwise?
posted by YamwotIam at 7:55 PM on January 15, 2008
posted by YamwotIam at 7:55 PM on January 15, 2008
It's easy to feel overwhelmed by the future, but the future comes in small increments, just like the present.
If your relationship really is fantastic, you are not missing out on anything. Go ye and do fantastic things together.
posted by serena15221 at 8:03 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
If your relationship really is fantastic, you are not missing out on anything. Go ye and do fantastic things together.
posted by serena15221 at 8:03 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
A lot of people, if you ask them this question, will tell you that you should "play the field," expand your experiences, have sex with a lot of people, etc. Bear in mind that just because someone tells you something, it may not be right for you. It may not even be right for them. (And just as easily, it may be on both counts.) You have to make the decision that feels honest for you, which is easier said than done. Sometimes you do find that person early and you're all set for the rest of your life, and you don't need a wide range of sexual/romantic experiences to have a satisfying life. It's not impossible. I think that most people are probably not like that, but maybe you are. I don't know you or him personally, so I can't say. Maybe you should talk to a therapist or a close friend about your concerns; maybe even him, as long as you approach it correctly. If talking about these future plans is provoking anxiety in you, maybe you should dial back talking about them, if you can do so without causing further complications. Of course, every relationship has to talk about the future at some point.
I will say that I personally am not sure that one year is a lot of time to be with someone... it's significant, but I'm not sure if I'd be 'sure' after a year. That said, love resists quantification and bottling, because while there are general patterns, it's largely an individual experience. Everyone loves a little differently. Relationships are like creatures unto themselves, created by the part of you and the part of him that you both invest in it, and they grow at their own paces. Try not to let this desire for certainty (which is natural, I think a lot of us have it, anxiety is born in the space between certainty and uncertainty, a place where you have some information, but not enough) get in the way of letting the relationship be what it will.
Being with someone for the rest of your life can be kind of scary, I guess. It could be that there's something wrong with this relationship and your feelings are trying to tell you that, or it could be that you're young and for the first time you're experiencing the feeling of possibilities falling by the wayside as you grow older and you make choices that shape your life... and that feeling is 'jamming' your other feelings, spilling over. The Future provokes a lot of anxiety when it's a wide open path, yet it also provokes a lot of anxiety when it's a path that's narrowing, when for every path you take you close a few others (sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently) and you naturally wonder what those untaken paths might have held. But if you made the right decisions, those reflections won't provoke regret. And sometimes you have as much to learn from "wrong" decisions as you do from right ones, provided they're not irreversibly wrong.
How do you make the right decisions? I don't know. I feel like I've spent a lot of time giving you a non-answer (which disappoints me on some level--I like giving actual answers.) In the end, though, however many words I type, you can only answer this question for you, and we can only answer this question for ourselves and hope that our answers relate to you in some way that is helpful to you in figuring things out. In these confusing situations, you answer them by living them and making your way through a piece at a time. If you spend the time and make the effort to be honest with yourself, you'll find the way. It may not be the way you hoped, sometimes, but it'll be the way you needed.
posted by Kosh at 8:05 PM on January 15, 2008 [5 favorites]
I will say that I personally am not sure that one year is a lot of time to be with someone... it's significant, but I'm not sure if I'd be 'sure' after a year. That said, love resists quantification and bottling, because while there are general patterns, it's largely an individual experience. Everyone loves a little differently. Relationships are like creatures unto themselves, created by the part of you and the part of him that you both invest in it, and they grow at their own paces. Try not to let this desire for certainty (which is natural, I think a lot of us have it, anxiety is born in the space between certainty and uncertainty, a place where you have some information, but not enough) get in the way of letting the relationship be what it will.
Being with someone for the rest of your life can be kind of scary, I guess. It could be that there's something wrong with this relationship and your feelings are trying to tell you that, or it could be that you're young and for the first time you're experiencing the feeling of possibilities falling by the wayside as you grow older and you make choices that shape your life... and that feeling is 'jamming' your other feelings, spilling over. The Future provokes a lot of anxiety when it's a wide open path, yet it also provokes a lot of anxiety when it's a path that's narrowing, when for every path you take you close a few others (sometimes temporarily, sometimes permanently) and you naturally wonder what those untaken paths might have held. But if you made the right decisions, those reflections won't provoke regret. And sometimes you have as much to learn from "wrong" decisions as you do from right ones, provided they're not irreversibly wrong.
How do you make the right decisions? I don't know. I feel like I've spent a lot of time giving you a non-answer (which disappoints me on some level--I like giving actual answers.) In the end, though, however many words I type, you can only answer this question for you, and we can only answer this question for ourselves and hope that our answers relate to you in some way that is helpful to you in figuring things out. In these confusing situations, you answer them by living them and making your way through a piece at a time. If you spend the time and make the effort to be honest with yourself, you'll find the way. It may not be the way you hoped, sometimes, but it'll be the way you needed.
posted by Kosh at 8:05 PM on January 15, 2008 [5 favorites]
So, worse case here, in 10 years you're with someone you love very much? Well I can see how that can be scary. No wait, I can't.
posted by chunking express at 8:22 PM on January 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by chunking express at 8:22 PM on January 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
Who says that you have to decide whether to marry him or break up now? Enjoy the fantastic relationship for what it is. If making plans for three years hence makes you uncomfortable, stop. In three years, you may:
- decide that you've had all those growing experiences anyway, without being in multiple relationships, and are ready to seal the deal with this guy
- realize that the fantasticness has worn off and it's time to move on
- be ready to take the relationship further by cohabitation but not a firmer commitment
- be on your fourth boyfriend after this one
And each of those outcomes is just fine! You may have met the perfect mate, and just need time to realize it. You may have just met the perfect mate for right now, and need time to realize that you're growing away from him. You don't need to decide on that for a while, so breathe and relax. And try to gain a lot of experience and grow as much as possible in the context of a monogamous relationship. The more you experience and learn the better you'll know what you want.
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 8:23 PM on January 15, 2008
- decide that you've had all those growing experiences anyway, without being in multiple relationships, and are ready to seal the deal with this guy
- realize that the fantasticness has worn off and it's time to move on
- be ready to take the relationship further by cohabitation but not a firmer commitment
- be on your fourth boyfriend after this one
And each of those outcomes is just fine! You may have met the perfect mate, and just need time to realize it. You may have just met the perfect mate for right now, and need time to realize that you're growing away from him. You don't need to decide on that for a while, so breathe and relax. And try to gain a lot of experience and grow as much as possible in the context of a monogamous relationship. The more you experience and learn the better you'll know what you want.
posted by Mr Bunnsy at 8:23 PM on January 15, 2008
Love him as much as you can now and live one day at a time until you cheat on him or he cheats on you or something horrible happens because you're young. Then have a terrible breakup. Then go away to school. Have several relationships there. Then go to graduate school. Meet someone there, date for a while and marry him but--this is important--do not have any kids. Enter the profession the two of you studied for in graduate school. Make it lucrative and very time-consuming. Don't see much of each other. Drift apart. Think occasionally of your boyfriend from highschool college. Think more and more often of him. Cheat on and/or be cheated on by your husband (optional). Separate. Divorce. Wander the Lonely City. Go to a film festival. Run into your highschool college boyfriend. Enjoy his film more than you have any right to. Have lunch. Have a number of lunches. Have dinner. Take several long walks. Realize you never stopped loving him. Marry. Get a great little dog. Have a spectacular kid and then, just for kicks, have another. Be happy. Things work out. Or they did for me anyway. [Only backwards, 'cause I'm the boy.]
posted by The Bellman at 8:50 PM on January 15, 2008 [10 favorites]
posted by The Bellman at 8:50 PM on January 15, 2008 [10 favorites]
It's unfortunate to say, but the only way you will know if you were supposed to stay together and stay in love and didn't is if you break up with him, sleep with a couple of guys who end up being not worth it, realize your mistake too late and try to win him back.
Don't look happiness in the face and question it; you can't control the future. You can't change people, either, but you CAN evolve together if you choose it and you are lucky.
The grass isn't always greener, but by the time you know that, sometimes it's too late. Live, and love, for today.
also: DON'T SABOTAGE IT
and also: If you break up in a year or two for whatever reason, you're going to look back at your agonizing now and wonder what the hell you were doing. Nothing you decide today will control how things end up in 10 years. Just remember that.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:58 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't look happiness in the face and question it; you can't control the future. You can't change people, either, but you CAN evolve together if you choose it and you are lucky.
The grass isn't always greener, but by the time you know that, sometimes it's too late. Live, and love, for today.
also: DON'T SABOTAGE IT
and also: If you break up in a year or two for whatever reason, you're going to look back at your agonizing now and wonder what the hell you were doing. Nothing you decide today will control how things end up in 10 years. Just remember that.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 8:58 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
FYI I was with the same guy for 10 years and would have happily stayed with him (hell, I married him) and he suddenly changed and we divorced.
Had he not changed, we would have hopefully died holding hands in our sleep. And yes, we got together when he was 20. So what I'm saying is, there are worse things than 10 years of true love... like being divorced from that person and trying to believe you will ever fall in love again that I hard.
Happy ending: I did, and with someone on Metafilter! If it's possible, I'm as happy as I ever was. Time heals all wounds, and all doubts.
To find true love is the ultimate in sharing; all your suffering is halved and all your joys are doubled. I wish you many years of love with however many lovers you are lucky enough to fall for, completely.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:07 PM on January 15, 2008
Had he not changed, we would have hopefully died holding hands in our sleep. And yes, we got together when he was 20. So what I'm saying is, there are worse things than 10 years of true love... like being divorced from that person and trying to believe you will ever fall in love again that I hard.
Happy ending: I did, and with someone on Metafilter! If it's possible, I'm as happy as I ever was. Time heals all wounds, and all doubts.
To find true love is the ultimate in sharing; all your suffering is halved and all your joys are doubled. I wish you many years of love with however many lovers you are lucky enough to fall for, completely.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:07 PM on January 15, 2008
I've never been in love before now, never slept with anyone else, never really even seriously dated anyone else. I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life...
Let me just address this point a little. My wife and I met in High School. We were both virgins, and neither had been in really serious relationships (how could we have been, we were 18). We both had feelings very quickly that we had found the person we could spend the rest of our lives with. Well, it is thirteen years later, and I think it is safe to say that our love and our relationship is stronger than ever, and I wouldn't trade what we have for the world. Do I sometimes think about the crazy sexy fun times I could have had in college and as a Single Guy? Sure, occasionally, but I certainly don't regret it, and when I think of what I would have missed out on in order to have those crazy sexy fun times, then it is no contest that I would stick with what I've got. Obviously, this is not everyone's story, in fact it is probably in the vast minority, but even if you don't end up like Ms. Steady and I, that still doesn't mean that the journey isn't worth it (as Unicorn on the cob says above). Enjoy what you've got before it is gone -- the future has a way of taking care of itself, one way or the other.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:23 PM on January 15, 2008
Let me just address this point a little. My wife and I met in High School. We were both virgins, and neither had been in really serious relationships (how could we have been, we were 18). We both had feelings very quickly that we had found the person we could spend the rest of our lives with. Well, it is thirteen years later, and I think it is safe to say that our love and our relationship is stronger than ever, and I wouldn't trade what we have for the world. Do I sometimes think about the crazy sexy fun times I could have had in college and as a Single Guy? Sure, occasionally, but I certainly don't regret it, and when I think of what I would have missed out on in order to have those crazy sexy fun times, then it is no contest that I would stick with what I've got. Obviously, this is not everyone's story, in fact it is probably in the vast minority, but even if you don't end up like Ms. Steady and I, that still doesn't mean that the journey isn't worth it (as Unicorn on the cob says above). Enjoy what you've got before it is gone -- the future has a way of taking care of itself, one way or the other.
posted by Rock Steady at 9:23 PM on January 15, 2008
EVERY relationship is taken day by day. Stop stressing so intensely about the future when it is the here and now that matters.
posted by randomstriker at 9:24 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by randomstriker at 9:24 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
You just have no idea. It's scary, but you really don't. Embrace that. One of you could die tomorrow. One of you could cheat. Maybe you just built up an unrealistic image of him. Maybe there is some deep philosophical rift between you. Who knows? It could go wrong or go right in countless ways, as with everything else in life, and the process of figuring it out is as worthwhile an experience as any. So the best you can do is focus on the present, and enjoy it for what it is. Your life is nothing more or less than a constant experience of the present, and you can only improve this one constantly shifting moment. Don't spend that moment worrying about the far future when you can not make an impact, because you certainly don't have enough information to go on.
I know how you feel, and it's rough, but don't let your fears become self-fulfilling.
"I seldom worry about the future, it comes soon enough" - Einstein
"Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."
- Thich Nhat Hahn
posted by phrontist at 9:27 PM on January 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
I know how you feel, and it's rough, but don't let your fears become self-fulfilling.
"I seldom worry about the future, it comes soon enough" - Einstein
"Life can be found only in the present moment. The past is gone, the future is not yet here, and if we do not go back to ourselves in the present moment, we cannot be in touch with life."
- Thich Nhat Hahn
posted by phrontist at 9:27 PM on January 15, 2008 [2 favorites]
It's unfortunate to say, but the only way you will know if you were supposed to stay together and stay in love and didn't is if you break up with him, sleep with a couple of guys who end up being not worth it, realize your mistake too late and try to win him back.
This isn't the only way to know. You don't know if you are really supposed to be together until the relationship ends- and it always ends- by break ups, divorce, or death. When my parents married, my mom could only visualize the marriage lasting for two years. It has been 37 now. She was 21 at the time.
I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life....
Can you say what this is that you are missing out on? Maybe you can do some of it with your sweetie. (I am assuming you aren't just thinking of dating or sex but adventures like a semester abroad.)
posted by Monday at 9:47 PM on January 15, 2008
This isn't the only way to know. You don't know if you are really supposed to be together until the relationship ends- and it always ends- by break ups, divorce, or death. When my parents married, my mom could only visualize the marriage lasting for two years. It has been 37 now. She was 21 at the time.
I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life....
Can you say what this is that you are missing out on? Maybe you can do some of it with your sweetie. (I am assuming you aren't just thinking of dating or sex but adventures like a semester abroad.)
posted by Monday at 9:47 PM on January 15, 2008
I met my wife when I was seventeen, she was my high school sweetheart. We were both virgins, hell, she was the first girl I ever dated (I thought I was straight before I met her), and we've been together for 8 years now. We got married as soon as it was legal (we're Canadian).
I totally understand where you are coming from, I had all those same thoughts too. I worried about the fact that I had never had sex with somebody else, I had never had sex with a man, I had never had a one-night stand, I had never had my heart broken, blah blah blah. All those worries were for naught. Sure, we had some steep learning curves to overcome, but we got to face them together. I have heard from friends how difficult it can be to date someone who has come from a string of bad relationships or bad breakups, or who just broke up with someone allegedly perfect. Being with someone who has never really been with anyone before means that both of you have significantly less baggage. You get to pack together! And pick your own destination! It's actually pretty great.
And just because you didn't experiment separately before you got together, doesn't mean you can't experiment as a couple. I've had several chances to, uh, broaden my horizons within the safety of a loving relationship.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:05 PM on January 15, 2008
I totally understand where you are coming from, I had all those same thoughts too. I worried about the fact that I had never had sex with somebody else, I had never had sex with a man, I had never had a one-night stand, I had never had my heart broken, blah blah blah. All those worries were for naught. Sure, we had some steep learning curves to overcome, but we got to face them together. I have heard from friends how difficult it can be to date someone who has come from a string of bad relationships or bad breakups, or who just broke up with someone allegedly perfect. Being with someone who has never really been with anyone before means that both of you have significantly less baggage. You get to pack together! And pick your own destination! It's actually pretty great.
And just because you didn't experiment separately before you got together, doesn't mean you can't experiment as a couple. I've had several chances to, uh, broaden my horizons within the safety of a loving relationship.
posted by arcticwoman at 10:05 PM on January 15, 2008
People talk a lot about "plans" after college or high school or whatever. I was dating a girl in high school for only about three months, but even then we were talking about our plans after high school. Turns out it didn't matter.
Anyway, you're only young once. I would recommend getting out there and seeing other people. In my experience, those doubts only tend to get stronger with time.
posted by kpmcguire at 10:16 PM on January 15, 2008
Anyway, you're only young once. I would recommend getting out there and seeing other people. In my experience, those doubts only tend to get stronger with time.
posted by kpmcguire at 10:16 PM on January 15, 2008
Unless you have some reason to break up, and from that description it sure doesn't sound like it, then don't. In one or two or five years time, you might have some reason, but that's for the you of then, not the you of now, to deal with. The only reason to date other people is in a search for someone better. From how you describe this guy, that doesn't seem likely to happen. You're onto a good thing here - this is likely to be the case for at least three months.
So, make the decision you so clearly want to, and stay with him for three months. Any time the anxiety bubbles up and you feel tempted to go over it again (short of something drastic occuring), tell yourself that on the three month date--that'd be mid-April, mark your calendar--you'll think about it then, and distract yourself from it right away. Then on that date, spend a few hours considering the relationship. If you decide it's still good, give it another three months, to mid-July. Then next time, maybe six months. And so on. The idea is that unless something drastic that changes the nature of your relationship comes up, there is no reason to question the good thing you've got any more often than you absolutely need to.
It sounds like much of your anxiety comes from trying so hard to figure out the un-figure-out-able future. You can only ever make choices that seem right at the time, according to what you know at the time. Everyone has the same problem. There's an old saying "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." That's good advice, even for atheists.
As to what to do now, I expect you've already talked it over with him, and there's really not much point talking about trusting him and liking him and loving him anyway. Go do some trusting and liking and loving. Do something fun with him, something that makes you both happy. (Not just sex!) Go out to a nice restaurant, see a band you both like, hang out and play video games, go for a walk in a park together. Whatever it is you like to do. Relax in his company.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 10:34 PM on January 15, 2008
So, make the decision you so clearly want to, and stay with him for three months. Any time the anxiety bubbles up and you feel tempted to go over it again (short of something drastic occuring), tell yourself that on the three month date--that'd be mid-April, mark your calendar--you'll think about it then, and distract yourself from it right away. Then on that date, spend a few hours considering the relationship. If you decide it's still good, give it another three months, to mid-July. Then next time, maybe six months. And so on. The idea is that unless something drastic that changes the nature of your relationship comes up, there is no reason to question the good thing you've got any more often than you absolutely need to.
It sounds like much of your anxiety comes from trying so hard to figure out the un-figure-out-able future. You can only ever make choices that seem right at the time, according to what you know at the time. Everyone has the same problem. There's an old saying "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." That's good advice, even for atheists.
As to what to do now, I expect you've already talked it over with him, and there's really not much point talking about trusting him and liking him and loving him anyway. Go do some trusting and liking and loving. Do something fun with him, something that makes you both happy. (Not just sex!) Go out to a nice restaurant, see a band you both like, hang out and play video games, go for a walk in a park together. Whatever it is you like to do. Relax in his company.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 10:34 PM on January 15, 2008
You will not be together FOREVER.
Forever is a long, long time. None of us will live that long.
Take things one day at a time. You don't have to decide right now if you want to get married.
posted by yohko at 10:43 PM on January 15, 2008
Forever is a long, long time. None of us will live that long.
Take things one day at a time. You don't have to decide right now if you want to get married.
posted by yohko at 10:43 PM on January 15, 2008
I wrote an even longer drawn out answer at first, but upon reflection it's really pretty much what others have said here. The answer to the final sentence of your question is that you have to live in the now. That's how to reconcile those feelings, or rather to release them. And right now sounds like a pretty great place to be in your case. Bonus!
You have to release the insatiable urge to control your situation by trying to borrow against some future certainty. Embrace the now and surrender to life and time. Let life happen. It doesn't feel good to release control (because what if I let someone else drive and they crash me! I need to drive!), but the control you seek is an illusion. So it's no wonder it fills you with anxiety when you can't grasp it. Stop grasping. You have what the rest of humanity wants and you have it right now. Give it your full attention right now. The future doesn't exist yet but will tend to itself once it does. It doesn't need you right now. You have so much time and you can fill it with love and bliss or with anxiety. It's a clear choice put that way.
I promise you that whatever thoughts you have about what your life will be like 5 or 10 years from now are completely uninformed and way off base. Looking back, I can see that it was pretty pointless to even try to predict. You and your life change so much as you transition into independent adulthood and move out into the world. You have no basis for understanding it yet. Those pieces of your life puzzle haven't even been cut yet - - you can't know where or how they will fit. You will be with this man in 5 or 10 years or you will not. That's the only certainty you have now and it's the only one you're going to get. One of the two will definitely happen. Trust that you do/will have the strength and resources to deal with it either way and continue creating your life. Neither will be a catastrophe long term despite the strength of your current feelings and the seeming finality of your current perspective.
In summary you want to know what will happen so you don't misstep and wind up in regret, but you can't know. So stop trying to know so you can stop and smell the proverbial roses while you've got them.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:44 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
You have to release the insatiable urge to control your situation by trying to borrow against some future certainty. Embrace the now and surrender to life and time. Let life happen. It doesn't feel good to release control (because what if I let someone else drive and they crash me! I need to drive!), but the control you seek is an illusion. So it's no wonder it fills you with anxiety when you can't grasp it. Stop grasping. You have what the rest of humanity wants and you have it right now. Give it your full attention right now. The future doesn't exist yet but will tend to itself once it does. It doesn't need you right now. You have so much time and you can fill it with love and bliss or with anxiety. It's a clear choice put that way.
I promise you that whatever thoughts you have about what your life will be like 5 or 10 years from now are completely uninformed and way off base. Looking back, I can see that it was pretty pointless to even try to predict. You and your life change so much as you transition into independent adulthood and move out into the world. You have no basis for understanding it yet. Those pieces of your life puzzle haven't even been cut yet - - you can't know where or how they will fit. You will be with this man in 5 or 10 years or you will not. That's the only certainty you have now and it's the only one you're going to get. One of the two will definitely happen. Trust that you do/will have the strength and resources to deal with it either way and continue creating your life. Neither will be a catastrophe long term despite the strength of your current feelings and the seeming finality of your current perspective.
In summary you want to know what will happen so you don't misstep and wind up in regret, but you can't know. So stop trying to know so you can stop and smell the proverbial roses while you've got them.
posted by kookoobirdz at 10:44 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
I met my now-husband when I was 18 and he was 17. One year after we started dating, we announced our engagement, and married at the end of that year. We just celebrated our 6-year anniversary last month.
I can safely say that the only thing I've missed out on is a lot of periods of celibacy, as experienced by my friends. Also, I've missed out on a lot of bad/awkward sex. I have had a lot of very interesting, varied sex. I've grown a lot as a person. I've had constant emotional support and encouragement. I've missed out on a lot of bad relationship drama.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't have missed this for the world. None of my friends who've been playing the field have anything comparable; most are envious, because I have one less thing to worry about.
Which is not to say that long-term comittiment is for everyone, or anyone in particular; YMMV and all that. I can safely say that I'm looking forward to the huge party I'm going to throw on my 50th wedding anniversary.
posted by ysabet at 11:10 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
I can safely say that the only thing I've missed out on is a lot of periods of celibacy, as experienced by my friends. Also, I've missed out on a lot of bad/awkward sex. I have had a lot of very interesting, varied sex. I've grown a lot as a person. I've had constant emotional support and encouragement. I've missed out on a lot of bad relationship drama.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I wouldn't have missed this for the world. None of my friends who've been playing the field have anything comparable; most are envious, because I have one less thing to worry about.
Which is not to say that long-term comittiment is for everyone, or anyone in particular; YMMV and all that. I can safely say that I'm looking forward to the huge party I'm going to throw on my 50th wedding anniversary.
posted by ysabet at 11:10 PM on January 15, 2008 [1 favorite]
Personally, I think that a relationship "is what it is" if you are meant to be together, it will end up that way. By the time that future moment rolls around, you will know if you should go or stay. I mean people maintain relationships from grade school and summer camp but don't fret over the future of their friendship! It makes no sense to worry about being with your boyfriend in the future. If you and your BF are meant to be together, it will develop that way. Be the best you can to your BF and enjoy what you have. Don't sweat it.
posted by agentsarahjane at 12:59 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by agentsarahjane at 12:59 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
People have pretty much said every thing I could have added, but I think only you will know what you really want. I was madly in love with my college boyfriend, and he with me, but I broke it off when we graduated because, although I loved him to bits I knew he didn't want to do the things I did. I wanted adventure and self-discovery and really, stuff I needed to do on my own. I don't doubt that people can do these things together, but you have to want to do it together, I wanted to do it on my own. Yup, I maybe missed out on being with him forever, but in doing so I would have missed out on the joy of flying solo. Some people need to do this, some people don't, you'll find out when it matters which you are.
So I'm basically echoing comments above. Don't worry about three, five, ten years time. If you want a partner later down the line - and you've found a good one, you will stay together. If you don't, you won't. Love what you have now, and be gentle with yourself, it's good to question!
posted by freya_lamb at 1:49 AM on January 16, 2008
So I'm basically echoing comments above. Don't worry about three, five, ten years time. If you want a partner later down the line - and you've found a good one, you will stay together. If you don't, you won't. Love what you have now, and be gentle with yourself, it's good to question!
posted by freya_lamb at 1:49 AM on January 16, 2008
whenever i start to overthink things like this, i tell myself i'm going to revisit the idea in a year's time. i mean, you guys both have a good sixty years of life left ahead of you--you don't have to have everything sorted out by year one or even year two.
at some point it will make sense to make a stronger commitment, but why worry about it now? the sense of security is nice (as a single woman in her 30s, i can't tell you how tempting it occasionally is to run off to vegas with some sweet but dull boy just to spare myself further bad blind dates, inappropriate questions from relatives, and the hopes of having someone to share a house with when we're 80) but it's an illusion.
go day by day, and see how it unfolds. if you're enjoying it now, then enjoy it! see how it survives the challenges yet to come. if it doesn't, well, then there's your answer.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:31 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
at some point it will make sense to make a stronger commitment, but why worry about it now? the sense of security is nice (as a single woman in her 30s, i can't tell you how tempting it occasionally is to run off to vegas with some sweet but dull boy just to spare myself further bad blind dates, inappropriate questions from relatives, and the hopes of having someone to share a house with when we're 80) but it's an illusion.
go day by day, and see how it unfolds. if you're enjoying it now, then enjoy it! see how it survives the challenges yet to come. if it doesn't, well, then there's your answer.
posted by thinkingwoman at 4:31 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
I've had those feelings before, too, anon. I'm engaged now, after having dated the girl of my dreams for about 10 months (1 year next month). The wedding is planned for this fall, and I can safely say that sometimes - even now - that thought terrifies me. It terrifies us both, actually, because we take marriage very seriously and when we commit, we commit, and we sometimes wonder "what if."
But we're both "in love" and we know how to love. We know how to be sweet and sappy and oogley and terribly romantic to each other. We also know how to love the other person even when they're mad, grumpy, tired, sick, PMSing or any of a hundred other things. We've made a choice to love each other and stick by each other no matter what, and I think that takes away the scariness, because I know that no matter what happens, I'll always have someone by my side who loves me despite everything. Knowing that makes it all worthwhile.
(FWIW, this is the first girl I've ever dated, and I'm extremely happy that I didn't date anyone else before her. All of the experiences I get to have are completely fresh and new, and that makes them a thousand times more enjoyable. YMMV, of course.)
posted by omnipotentq at 5:34 AM on January 16, 2008
But we're both "in love" and we know how to love. We know how to be sweet and sappy and oogley and terribly romantic to each other. We also know how to love the other person even when they're mad, grumpy, tired, sick, PMSing or any of a hundred other things. We've made a choice to love each other and stick by each other no matter what, and I think that takes away the scariness, because I know that no matter what happens, I'll always have someone by my side who loves me despite everything. Knowing that makes it all worthwhile.
(FWIW, this is the first girl I've ever dated, and I'm extremely happy that I didn't date anyone else before her. All of the experiences I get to have are completely fresh and new, and that makes them a thousand times more enjoyable. YMMV, of course.)
posted by omnipotentq at 5:34 AM on January 16, 2008
It's unfortunate to say, but the only way you will know if you were supposed to stay together and stay in love and didn't is if you break up with him, sleep with a couple of guys who end up being not worth it, realize your mistake too late and try to win him back.
This is totally ridiculous. Most people's reactions to someone breaking up with them, sleeping around, and trying to win them back would probably not be favourable. My guess is that the relationship before all the sleeping around would be better than the relationship after.
If you constantly feel like you are missing out on life and love, then staying with your current boyfriend is probably not going to work out. But I don't think its unusual in a relationship to wonder what else is out there; to develop crushes that last a hour, a day, a week a month. I think you will know if you are in the right relationship or not.
Also, you shouldn't over think things too much. If you are happy now leave it at that. Worrying about things happening 10 years from now does you know good whatsoever.
posted by chunking express at 7:11 AM on January 16, 2008
This is totally ridiculous. Most people's reactions to someone breaking up with them, sleeping around, and trying to win them back would probably not be favourable. My guess is that the relationship before all the sleeping around would be better than the relationship after.
If you constantly feel like you are missing out on life and love, then staying with your current boyfriend is probably not going to work out. But I don't think its unusual in a relationship to wonder what else is out there; to develop crushes that last a hour, a day, a week a month. I think you will know if you are in the right relationship or not.
Also, you shouldn't over think things too much. If you are happy now leave it at that. Worrying about things happening 10 years from now does you know good whatsoever.
posted by chunking express at 7:11 AM on January 16, 2008
don't listen to the haters. I had what you describe in college and didn't make it the top priority in my life b/c everyone said it wouldnt last. and so I made choices that ensured it didn't last, and now I regret it cause I've never felt that way since.
Don't let it go!
posted by chickaboo at 9:13 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Don't let it go!
posted by chickaboo at 9:13 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
I don't know if you believe in "meant to be" or not, but let me tell you, not believing in fate is incredibly freeing. Don't worry about whether or not you are "meant to be" or if he is "the one" or any of that stuff. In deciding to stay with him for another day, or another month, you are not messing with cosmic forces. Whether you end up together forever, or you break up and move on, you'll find ways to be happy. My partner and I easily recognize that if we hadn't found each other, we would have found other people, had other experiences. That doesn't matter. You deal with what you have now, and the future comes one day at a time.
posted by arcticwoman at 9:21 AM on January 16, 2008 [3 favorites]
posted by arcticwoman at 9:21 AM on January 16, 2008 [3 favorites]
I know just how you feel. No, really, I do.
I met my spouse when I was 16. Three months after we started dating, he assumed we would get married some day (and no, we hadn't slept together yet). My husband, I should mention, was only 15 at this time! I loved him, too, but I had nowhere near his confidence in the future. I wasn't sure of myself, of what I wanted or really who I was back then.
Flash forward three years. I'm in college, my husband a senior in high school. We are still together, still in love. But Life had changed drastically for me--new job, the whole college scene, etc.--while he was in the same place. I met someone older than I was, felt attracted, and was incredibly torn. On the one hand, I had this relationship with a wonderful man who had done nothing wrong. On the other hand, I had no experience with anyone else, was terribly naive (stupid) about men, felt very young now that I was Out in the Big World, etc. I honestly felt that just being attracted to someone else meant I shouldn't be in a committed relationship with my husband. It was a Sign. Told you I was young, stupid and naiive! I have since learned the difference between feeling attracted and acting on that feeling, which is the real test of commitment.
Anyway, it came to a painful moment when I said I wanted to date other people, and my husband and I parted. I knew almost right away that I had made a terrible mistake. Something really awful happened with the other guy that reinforced that decision. I realized I had been an idiot. I went back to my husband, we picked up the pieces and moved forward. I should mention that later he went through his own identity crisis. We weathered it all, figured out what we wanted from life and each other, and today, married over 18 years, we are absolutely committed to each other.
What I am getting at here with this long history is this: it may last with your boyfriend, and it may not. You're young, your life is going to change, and so is his, and you could grow old together. Or, you could grow in completely different directions. And there really isn't any way you can know any of this now. No one can tell you, and if we could you wouldn't believe us anyway.
You'll have to make your own decisions, and (as in my case) your own mistakes. All these questions you have are normal and natural and a way of making sure you take things as they come, one day at a time, until the day comes when you know what you want, are ready to make a commitment to one person, and settle down with him.
posted by misha at 10:25 AM on January 16, 2008 [2 favorites]
I met my spouse when I was 16. Three months after we started dating, he assumed we would get married some day (and no, we hadn't slept together yet). My husband, I should mention, was only 15 at this time! I loved him, too, but I had nowhere near his confidence in the future. I wasn't sure of myself, of what I wanted or really who I was back then.
Flash forward three years. I'm in college, my husband a senior in high school. We are still together, still in love. But Life had changed drastically for me--new job, the whole college scene, etc.--while he was in the same place. I met someone older than I was, felt attracted, and was incredibly torn. On the one hand, I had this relationship with a wonderful man who had done nothing wrong. On the other hand, I had no experience with anyone else, was terribly naive (stupid) about men, felt very young now that I was Out in the Big World, etc. I honestly felt that just being attracted to someone else meant I shouldn't be in a committed relationship with my husband. It was a Sign. Told you I was young, stupid and naiive! I have since learned the difference between feeling attracted and acting on that feeling, which is the real test of commitment.
Anyway, it came to a painful moment when I said I wanted to date other people, and my husband and I parted. I knew almost right away that I had made a terrible mistake. Something really awful happened with the other guy that reinforced that decision. I realized I had been an idiot. I went back to my husband, we picked up the pieces and moved forward. I should mention that later he went through his own identity crisis. We weathered it all, figured out what we wanted from life and each other, and today, married over 18 years, we are absolutely committed to each other.
What I am getting at here with this long history is this: it may last with your boyfriend, and it may not. You're young, your life is going to change, and so is his, and you could grow old together. Or, you could grow in completely different directions. And there really isn't any way you can know any of this now. No one can tell you, and if we could you wouldn't believe us anyway.
You'll have to make your own decisions, and (as in my case) your own mistakes. All these questions you have are normal and natural and a way of making sure you take things as they come, one day at a time, until the day comes when you know what you want, are ready to make a commitment to one person, and settle down with him.
posted by misha at 10:25 AM on January 16, 2008 [2 favorites]
As long as being with him feels right to you, then be with him. If there comes a time when your curiosity and what-iffing takes over, then you'll know it's time to consider doing something else. As everyone else has said, we can't know what the future holds. In ten years, you can decide what you want to be doing then. Listen to your feelings now, not your fears about later, and let yourself be happy.
posted by bassjump at 10:58 AM on January 16, 2008
posted by bassjump at 10:58 AM on January 16, 2008
I've never been in love before now, never slept with anyone else, never really even seriously dated anyone else. I feel like to marry him or something would be to miss out on a huge huge part of life...
Well, me too, except that I don't think I'm missing out on a huge huge part of life. I think this IS a huge huge part of life. This is my big adventure. I look at couples who are celebrating their 50th or 60th anniversary and think "wow, that must be so interesting!" I've read countless posts on MetaFilter about how love changes and deepens over time, how your sexual relationship morphs, and I'm experiencing that in my tiny 3-year long relationship already.
I mean, you've got to do SOMETHING, right? You pick a major, and then you wonder what it would be like to major in something else. You pick a boyfriend, and then you wonder what it would be like to date someone else. That's normal. But if you keep taking survey courses, you never get the degree, and if you keep dating casually, you don't get the 50th anniversary. You don't get the whole deepening of knowledge over time. You don't get this BIG adventure.
But really? You've got years before you need to decide. Mull it over and enjoy it in the meantime.
posted by heatherann at 11:17 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Well, me too, except that I don't think I'm missing out on a huge huge part of life. I think this IS a huge huge part of life. This is my big adventure. I look at couples who are celebrating their 50th or 60th anniversary and think "wow, that must be so interesting!" I've read countless posts on MetaFilter about how love changes and deepens over time, how your sexual relationship morphs, and I'm experiencing that in my tiny 3-year long relationship already.
I mean, you've got to do SOMETHING, right? You pick a major, and then you wonder what it would be like to major in something else. You pick a boyfriend, and then you wonder what it would be like to date someone else. That's normal. But if you keep taking survey courses, you never get the degree, and if you keep dating casually, you don't get the 50th anniversary. You don't get the whole deepening of knowledge over time. You don't get this BIG adventure.
But really? You've got years before you need to decide. Mull it over and enjoy it in the meantime.
posted by heatherann at 11:17 AM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
As long as you are happy and not being asked to give up anything you resent, relax and ENJOY.
I met my husband when I was 19. I always say that if someone had told me when I was 16-19 that I would be married at 22 I would have asked them why the hell they didn't stop me. That's how much of a mistake I would have thought it was. But it was the best thing I ever did, I've never been so happy, and we've been together 11 years. Do I regret I couldn't date more people or pick someone up in a bar randomly? Yes, I do. But I'm so lucky to have what I do.
What I think you are reacting to, at some level, is the eventuality that you guys will want different things in a few years. And it will probably happen. You may want to move to some other country, and he might want to live in a small town. You might want to work at Disneyworld, and he thinks Florida is hell. There will come a time when you may have to give up the image of your future that you've had for yourself in order to stay in this relationship. That may or may not be easy. But don't borrow trouble. The theoretical issue will become specific issues soon enough. And it might be easier to navigate those than you thought.
posted by Mozzie at 12:51 PM on January 16, 2008
I met my husband when I was 19. I always say that if someone had told me when I was 16-19 that I would be married at 22 I would have asked them why the hell they didn't stop me. That's how much of a mistake I would have thought it was. But it was the best thing I ever did, I've never been so happy, and we've been together 11 years. Do I regret I couldn't date more people or pick someone up in a bar randomly? Yes, I do. But I'm so lucky to have what I do.
What I think you are reacting to, at some level, is the eventuality that you guys will want different things in a few years. And it will probably happen. You may want to move to some other country, and he might want to live in a small town. You might want to work at Disneyworld, and he thinks Florida is hell. There will come a time when you may have to give up the image of your future that you've had for yourself in order to stay in this relationship. That may or may not be easy. But don't borrow trouble. The theoretical issue will become specific issues soon enough. And it might be easier to navigate those than you thought.
posted by Mozzie at 12:51 PM on January 16, 2008
I know how you feel. I've only been serious with 2 guys, including the one I'm with right now, and I don't believe in absolutes, but that said I would not be at all surprised if he's the person I end up spending most of my life with. And it is AMAZING--we're, as you put it, best friends and in love. We've been together almost 2 years now, knew each other and were roommates prior to that, and we're making tentative plans to be together for years down the road. And it's wonderful, but...yeah. I can't help wondering if we'll both be like "Huh? This is it?!!" 5 years from now. I don't think there's a single answer for everybody, and even the right one for you probably means sacrifices because let's face it, you can't necessarily have it both ways. I think the key is rather than think in terms of other people to date you're cut off from, make sure you don't limit your general life experiences. You know. You are young, as you say. So travel, or work on that creative channel you've got going, or pursue that law degree, or whatever. Make sure you are each other's advocates in expanding your horizons, albeit not romantically with others. I think the key is to make sure you don't let the other parts of your life stagnate. And don't be afraid to reevaluate the relationship regularly. That's ok. But as long as in that arena of your life, it's the best thing around, don't be ready to just give it up because you imagine there must be more. If something better does arise, or things go downhill, take that as it comes, but don't assume it before it happens. If it even does!
posted by ifjuly at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2008
posted by ifjuly at 1:34 PM on January 16, 2008
If talking about these future plans is provoking anxiety in you, maybe you should dial back talking about them, if you can do so without causing further complications.
Agreed. This obsessive thinking about the future is not really good for you. Try to relax.
posted by herbaliser at 2:45 PM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Agreed. This obsessive thinking about the future is not really good for you. Try to relax.
posted by herbaliser at 2:45 PM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
Been there. I haven't heard of too many people who say they're glad they slept around and were wild and crazy. The grass really isn't that much greener. If he makes you happy and he doesn't keep you from doing things that make you happy, enjoy it. When I broke up with my bf/fiance of 7 years I told my mom, "I didn't have a Plan B." She wisely answered, "If you really love someone, you don't." Live life for today.
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:03 PM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by CwgrlUp at 5:03 PM on January 16, 2008 [1 favorite]
I'm engaged to the best guy in the world and I still feel that way sometimes. I'm 26.
If you're prone to catastrophizing or self micro-managing (I am), it's probably something you'll always deal with.
Most people in long term relationships have the underlying fear that this is the last person they're going to flirt with/date/kiss/sleep with, etc. Or that your relationship will somehow inhibit your other plans (education/career/travel, etc.)
And when you trust someone that much, there's risk involved. It might seem easier to just always be looking for the next opportunity.
What I try to do, and what most people will tell you to do, is just enjoy yourself while it's good and take it slow. If you end up together in 10 or 50 years, congratulations. If not, it's for the best.
Bottom line: Do what you need to do each day or month to have the life you want and the rest will work itself out.
posted by mynameismandab at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2008
If you're prone to catastrophizing or self micro-managing (I am), it's probably something you'll always deal with.
Most people in long term relationships have the underlying fear that this is the last person they're going to flirt with/date/kiss/sleep with, etc. Or that your relationship will somehow inhibit your other plans (education/career/travel, etc.)
And when you trust someone that much, there's risk involved. It might seem easier to just always be looking for the next opportunity.
What I try to do, and what most people will tell you to do, is just enjoy yourself while it's good and take it slow. If you end up together in 10 or 50 years, congratulations. If not, it's for the best.
Bottom line: Do what you need to do each day or month to have the life you want and the rest will work itself out.
posted by mynameismandab at 5:05 PM on January 16, 2008
Everyone else has said it before and better, so I'm just going to add this: you'd think dating/sex with a bunch of different guys would be wild and crazy and fun, but it's actually pretty repetitive and boring.
posted by desjardins at 5:32 PM on January 16, 2008
posted by desjardins at 5:32 PM on January 16, 2008
you'd think dating/sex with a bunch of different guys would be wild and crazy and fun, but it's actually pretty repetitive and boring.
Depends on the guys!
posted by freya_lamb at 5:25 AM on January 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Depends on the guys!
posted by freya_lamb at 5:25 AM on January 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
There was a very good article posted in another thread by brooklynexperiment, that would be helpful to you as well, OP: The Futile Pursuit of Happiness. (Which isn't as bleak an article as the title sounds, it's more about not worrying about maximizing happiness, because things will happen and you will probably be OK either way.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 3:00 PM on January 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by aeschenkarnos at 3:00 PM on January 17, 2008 [1 favorite]
Best to take one step at a time. Get thru college first. Just cos you dont make plans now doesnt mean you wont want to later.
You cant predict the future and that includes a future with you both in.
posted by browolf at 8:13 AM on January 19, 2008
You cant predict the future and that includes a future with you both in.
posted by browolf at 8:13 AM on January 19, 2008
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by hjo3 at 7:48 PM on January 15, 2008 [2 favorites]