I'm my mother's favorite. Now what?

January 14, 2008 1:04 PM

My mother recently told me I'm her favorite child. How can I deal with the guilt?

I "came out" to my mother recently and she was devastated. She was hysterical for hours and made many coherent, semi-coherent, and incoherent comments while tears streamed down her face. One of the things she said was that she was especially disappointed by my revelation because I am her favorite child (she has 4).

I have spent a lifetime (26 years) trying to convince my siblings that I'm not our mother's favorite child--and I really did believe I wasn't her favorite. She didn't treat me any better than her other children. The two of us have a similar sense of humor and our personalities are very similar, so we get along very well. But now I feel incredibly guilty. Not because I disappointed my mother, but because my siblings were right all these years. I feel like it's not appropriate for my mother to have a favorite child.

What can I do to help me deal with the guilt I'm experiencing? Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

posted by GardnerDB to human relations (41 comments total)

Assume that she told your siblings the same thing.
posted by box at 1:05 PM on January 14, 2008 [8 favorites has favorites]

Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

The answer to that question is most definitely yes. Parents are human beings, too.
posted by DMan at 1:06 PM on January 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

You say she was hysterical? Then presume it wasn't true, and she was just being dramatic.
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:10 PM on January 14, 2008

What Dman said. Parents have favourites, pure and simple. This doesn't mean your Mom loved your siblings less, mind you. I'm not my Mother's favourite kid, but I'm still her kid, if that makes any sense.
posted by LN at 1:10 PM on January 14, 2008

My grandfather always told me I was his favorite. After he died, I found out he had told everybody they were his favorite.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:12 PM on January 14, 2008 [9 favorites has favorites]

One of the things she said was that she was especially disappointed by my revelation because I am her favorite child

I suspect that your mom is rather skilled at layering on the guilt if for no other reason than this line. In her mind, you hurt her (How you being gay hurts anyone is beyond me, but that's this mom's view) and she struck back with her finely tuned weapon of guilt.

What can I do to help me deal with the guilt I'm experiencing?
After a cooling-off period, tell her that her words deeply wounded you, and why. And I would think of the favorite child thing no more, starting now.
posted by jamaro at 1:13 PM on January 14, 2008

My mother was having a very hysterical crying fit like you describe above when my brother moved away from home. In the middle of it, she screamed "but he's my favorite." I always knew it, and I actually felt better after she admitted it. I think what she means my favorite is he's the most likeable: funny, personable, charming.

Don't stress over this. It is probably a bigger deal to you than it is to your siblings.
posted by Ugh at 1:18 PM on January 14, 2008

Guilt is supposed to be remorse for something you've done wrong, and I can't see exactly where you've done anything wrong here. If indeed you were your mother's favourite, that's hardly your fault. It seems that her reaction to who you are means you don't have to worry about that special position anymore.

My own (bitter & twisted) mother has a favourite child. We siblings got over blaming him for that in our twenties. Hopefully, if this is an issue for your sibs that same growth will occur for them.

It's not your fault, so there's nothing to feel guilty about. (Keep repeating this to yourself until you believe it.)
posted by b33j at 1:19 PM on January 14, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Is it normal for a parent to have a favorite child?

In my family, with two parents and two kids, no one will admit to having a favorite but there are definite affinities that divide us into two camps. However, because people are generally fairly politic no one says "favorite". For the non-favorite parent-child pairing, me and my sister team up to help repair that relationship for the other one. So, for example, I get on best with my Dad and she doesn't. Ergo when she goes to visit him or is trying to figure out why he's being weird, I help out. The same is true for me and my Mom. So I'd guess you can take this as a placing of trust in you (assuming you don't just take the corpse's advice and assume she was craztyalking) and figure out how to make your other siblings more favoritish.

You've been through a big emotional rollercoaster lately. This is especially true if your siblings are giving you a hard time for being the favorite. This is super-especially true if now you've given your Mom some news that made her flip out (and good for you for telling her, I know this isn't the point of all of this, but that's hard work) and you're stil the favorite. It's not fair and yeah while I think parents have favorites, saying that out loud is a little inappropriate.
posted by jessamyn at 1:20 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

This is called being a "smother mother". You can read more about it here, and just google the term. It's almost not something your mom can help, its instinctual... but nonetheless uncomfortable.
posted by pwally at 1:25 PM on January 14, 2008

Well, if it makes you feel better, this coming out business is likely to have dropped your stock—maybe by being as gay as possible, one of your other siblings can take over as favorite.
posted by klangklangston at 1:26 PM on January 14, 2008 [7 favorites has favorites]

There's two things here to be distinguished: Having a favorite and proclaiming that preference.

Yes, parents are humans and they do have favorites. Children have to deal with this or go into denial about it.

No, parents usually shouldnt admit to it. The party line is "I love my children all the same/they're all unique in their own way" etc. Not admitting it also helps their children who choose denial (see above)

I am my mom's favorite. My brother is my dad's favorite. Everyone inside the family knows this. Everyone outside can see this right away. But it is a fact best left unspoken.
posted by vacapinta at 1:27 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I am my dad's favorite child. My sister is my mom's favorite. I feel no guilt about this, and I doubt she does either. My sister is a neat freak like my mom and my (and my dad's) sloppiness has always been aggravating to my mom. My dad and I get along better, and I "get" him. I can read him better than anyone else, so I feel like I've earned my favorite status with him.

And I'm with those who've said that your mom is just laying on the guilt. Move on. Being gay is about you, not her.
posted by clh at 1:28 PM on January 14, 2008

I'm sorry for all the confusing feelings you must be experiencing right now. It sucks that your coming out had to cause this kind of guilt/pain/hurt, but as someone who went through similar family drama, know that it can get much, much better. (If someone else's experience can give you any hope, things that were said and done in my family were quite painful on all sides yet we just spent a happy Christmas together.)

Anyway, it is natural for parents to have favorites*. But that doesn't mean that your mother loves you more than she loves your siblings, just that she feels closer to you. I personally think that it's manipulative of her to say such things at all -- let alone in the context in which it was said, but, again, I may be projecting my own experiences on the situation.

That said, I don't have any more advice to help you get over your guilt than simply this -- you have nothing about which to feel guilty.

Even if you were treated better or significantly favored over your siblings for years and years, this isn't your fault.

Be strong.

* In my family, my sister is closer to my dad, my brother is closer to my mom, and I'm just sort of the odd-one-out. My parents would never say they had a favorite, but that's the way it is. Fortunately, even in our most troubled times, I've always known I was loved.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:30 PM on January 14, 2008

While it may be true, I don't see why you would feel guilty about it if it is. You didn't do anything wrong to make you her favorite. You can't feel guilty about unearned blessings, or you couldn't function. Guilt should only be caused by hurtful actions, which you did not commit. However, my guess would be that she was just looking to say anything that she could to hurt you and make you feel bad (not because she is a bad person or because you deserved it, but because she was upset) and happened upon that. Probably best to just write it off as a statement made in anger and not dwell on it.
posted by ND¢ at 1:32 PM on January 14, 2008

My mother slipped and said this to me years ago, and I remember feeling guilty and confused by it for weeks. Live up to the favoritism by being kind to all your siblings. Encourage them in how to have a good relationship with your mom. Build your relationships with other siblings and your dad, if he is with you. Spread the love. (You might even end up being everyone's favorite.)
posted by mochapickle at 1:34 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I think, if you can, you should have a good talk with one or more of your siblings about it. Why did they always think you were the favorite? Commiserating about and analyzing parents is what siblings are for. They might be happy to hear you can finally own up to it.
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 1:35 PM on January 14, 2008

This is absolutely normal. My mom would never admit it, but my little brother has, and always will be, her favorite.
posted by schroedinger at 1:44 PM on January 14, 2008

Guilt should only be caused by hurtful actions, which you did not commit.

Exactly. Feelings of guilt are appropriate when you've done something wrong. However, you didn't do anything wrong either by being gay or by being your mom's favorite (assuming that this is true, which -- as others have said -- it might or might not be).

Let me repeat: you have done nothing wrong. Your being gay is part of who you are, and out of your control. Your being your mom's favorite (again, assuming that that's true) is how your own family dynamics happened to work out, and also out of your control.

Having said that, it's certainly true that knowing/suspecting/being told that you're the favorite of a parent can be difficult. I think it places a certain burden on you to keep playing the role in your family that supposedly "earned" you the favorite-child status. It also makes you aware of inequities (sometimes subtle, sometimes not-so-subtle) among you and your siblings. It puts your own relationship with your parents, as well as your siblings' relationships with your parents, in a different light. There's no denying that all of this can be uncomfortable -- you might feel simultaneously sad, angry, and intimidated all at once by this "favorite" status, and that's surely compounded the particularly wrenching (not to mention seemingly manipulative) way your mom told you about it.

Guilt, however, is one trap you would do well to try to avoid. You have done nothing wrong. Your mom's hitherto successful attempt to make you feel guilty is, whether conscious or not, her attempt to make you "change back" to who you were (that is, who she THINKS you were) before you came out. She wants the burden for change to fall on your shoulders, rather than the burden of acceptance to fall on hers. She is in pain, and she wants you to take the pain away. And while that may be understandable, that is not something you can accomplish for her on the terms she has set.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you.
posted by scody at 1:52 PM on January 14, 2008 [4 favorites has favorites]

Do you think that she was manipulating you to try to guilt you into not being gay (as if)? When we're struggling with a reality we don't want to accept, we tend to try to rely on the tools that have worked the best in the past--even if rationally they make no sense in this context.

I suspect that your mom has always been good at laying on guilt and this is her way of trying to change you.
posted by plinth at 1:54 PM on January 14, 2008

guilt? i can't figure out how you can possibly be responsible for this situation. all you did was come out, which children are doing to parents all over america (if it made a noise, it would sound like popcorn popping) with occasional distress of the parents upon hearing this revelation, but never any guilt on the part of the children for making it that i've ever heard. don't let this "favorite child" b.s. get you down. families are like poker hands dealt from the great deck of souls: there's no guarantee you'll get pairs or trips, or that the suits will match, and sometimes the hand is so bad you just wanna fold it and move on.
posted by bruce at 1:57 PM on January 14, 2008 [3 favorites has favorites]

Don't feel bad about what your mother has told you, all parents have favourites. As Fiona O'Laughlin says "When a parent tells you they don't have a favourite child, what they're really saying is that it isn't you".
posted by bangalla at 2:01 PM on January 14, 2008

i LOVE the idea of just assuming she's told all 4 of you that you're the favourite. brilliant.

but parents often do have favourites. in an ideal world, i think those preferences should stay forever unconfirmed if possible, but in my family, my brother and i both know very well that our mom prefers him, and our dad prefers me. we make each other and the parents feel bad about it once in a while if we're being jerks, but it doesn't really matter. both our parents obviously love us both- my mom's just really into the whole "firstborn son" thing, and my dad likes me because we have some common interests. in your family, where there are more kids than parents, i can see how this could be harder to just shrug off for the non-favourited kids (because there are no parents left over to like them best), so you should maybe avoid telling your sibs your mom said you were the favourite. but i bet it's not as big a deal for the rest of them as you think, despite what they may have said in the past- sometimes people just like to make other people feel guilty.

if you think it really is weighing heavy on the sibs, though, you could tell the least favourite child (the one neither parent is especially close to, and who has the lowest self-esteem) that they're your favourite sibling, as a consolation prize.

sometimes my most carefully-crafted comments aren't the favourites on askmetafilter, and that hurts way more than my mother's indifference ever could.
posted by twistofrhyme at 2:05 PM on January 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

I am also one of four. The four of us regularly review our rankings and joke about going to law school or something to improve our individual standings. It is sort of a half-joking thing that amuses everyone except our parents.
posted by judith at 2:07 PM on January 14, 2008

Someone once told me: "If you don't have a favorite child, then you don't know them well enough."

Nothing about that fact should cause you feelings of guilt in any way.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 2:12 PM on January 14, 2008

I honestly believe my parents don't have a favorite. Also, I don't believe a parent can't love their children. You have to assume this was your mother being dramatic, don't take it seriously. You wounded her - she wounded you. She didn't mean it - sorry.
posted by xammerboy at 2:27 PM on January 14, 2008

You are taking on way too much responsibility for the actions of other people. Your mother, in this case, but in my experience people who do that don't limit themselves to just one person. Consider:

I have spent a lifetime (26 years) trying to convince my siblings that I'm not our mother's favorite child

Really... why? How, in any way, could you be responsible for that if it was true? I know the reality of having siblings is never so cut and dry, but the proper response - which you should have gotten to by the 3rd time this came up - is "I don't think that's true, but even if it is - what would you like me to do about it? I'm not the boss of her."

Now, after years of fighting this battle, you feel like shit because she's confirmed what your siblings have griped about (and blamed you for?). It really shouldn't matter, but I will add that if this has been as ongoing as you say then perhaps she's aware of this as a long-running issue for you and this was just one more hysterical lash-out.

Even if its true, you need to let go of a sense of shame over other people's feelings and desires. That applies to her (likely temporary) disappointment over your being gay, the clerk at the store disliking you for no good reason, mom liking you better than your siblings, etc. We do not control others, we only control our responses to them. Your mom is human and had a bad episode. *shrug* You get over it by accepting her for those faults, which you do one day at a time.

I'd also add that I don't happen to agree that there's anything wrong with having a favorite kid. (Though expressing it is at the very least crass) I think you can like one kid more than the others but love all of them the same. I don't doubt that my father loves my brother as much as he does me and would make the same sacrifices for him. But dad and I have more in common than he and my brother do. That's nobody's fault, it's just a reality of human interaction. My brother and my mom have more to say to each other than mom and I do. But I've never had a moment's doubt she loves me too.
posted by phearlez at 2:39 PM on January 14, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

No need to feel guilty.

We parents do love all our kids equally but sometimes one of them will simply "click" better with us.

And at least she was aware of how she felt, and knew to treat everyone the same. My mom definitely has a favorite amongst her grandchildren-it is glaringly obvious to all of us except HER-and it has caused difficulty precisely because she treats them differently but doesn't comprehend OR admit she does it.
posted by konolia at 2:53 PM on January 14, 2008

Do you have a favourite parent?
posted by Neiltupper at 2:57 PM on January 14, 2008

the crime isn't having a favorite, it's saying so out loud. i have a favorite parent, and i think every parent has a favorite child (i'm pretty sure i know who that is in my family).

but think about it this way: if you're the favorite, you've had the job your whole life. the only thing that's changed is that you know it. so what are you going to do with the knowledge? me, i'd probably just ignore it. i'm assuming you guys aren't jockeying for the throne of a kingdom, so really, how high are these stakes?

and if all else fails, there's always therapy.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:14 PM on January 14, 2008

Comments people make while they're hysterical are best not taken seriously.

The fact that your mother is apparently a drama queen doesn't mean you have to be one too.

All the best.
posted by flabdablet at 3:15 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

I know that guilt is not a rational emotion, but still: Why should you feel guilty about her choosing you as her favorite? Assuming this is true, it's something she has done and chosen to reveal, not something you are responsible for.

Although her proclamation is a bit much, it's normal for parents to have favorites. And for what it's worth, I've known several gay men who were their mothers' favorite children. I don't want to get into the whole pop-psychology, distant father, overprotective mother thing, but some of us have had a special rapport with Mom while the straight sibs have gone off to start their own families and do their own thing. I don't know how common it is, but it's certainly not unusual.
posted by Robert Angelo at 3:35 PM on January 14, 2008

Know this: YOU can not control how your mother feels about her children - you bear no responsibility for her claiming that you are her "favorite." You are blameless and deserve no guilt.

And as noted above by others, there is nothing at all wrong with a parent favoring one child over another -- parents are human, and they will respond better to certain behaviors of some of their children than they will to others.

Don't feel bad.
posted by davidmsc at 3:43 PM on January 14, 2008

So you take the huge emotional plunge and come out... and yet somehow the drama manages to center around your mother, with this totally inappropriate "favorite" remark. I wouldn't mind kicking your mother right now.
posted by selfmedicating at 3:53 PM on January 14, 2008

Heh, I used to tease my daughters about the other one being my favorite. All in fun, and they knew it. My favorite daughter is...no, can't say I do have a favorite. They are both amazing in completely different ways.

My (s)mother definitely has hers, though. I don't know what she told my siblings but her actions tell the tale. Some have reason to resent her attitudes. Those siblings continue to hold hard feelings even to the favorites but especially to Mom. Then again, my parents weren't the best examples of mature and adult emotional responses. So there's that.

Nothing good will come from confronting your mother. I agree that you've done nothing wrong and have no reason for guilt. Let it go.
posted by trinity8-director at 4:00 PM on January 14, 2008

Do you think that she was manipulating you to try to guilt you into not being gay (as if)?
I suspect that your mom has always been good at laying on guilt and this is her way of trying to change you.
posted by plinth at 3:54 PM on January 14 [+] [!]

That's the first thing I thought of when I read your question. And, if you'll allow me the derail...My son is gay, and I will never understand a parent that gets that hysterical over an "outing". I have trouble believing that a Mom wouldn't have an intuition about this.
posted by wafaa at 4:03 PM on January 14, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

My kids are still young so maybe it will change, but I could NEVER pick a favorite, they are all so outrageously awesome. I think most parents feel like that.
posted by MiffyCLB at 7:06 PM on January 14, 2008

I think almost all parents have a favorite - I know I do, and it makes me feel rotten. I tend to over-compensate for the other child, and then I feel like the favorite isn't getting enough attention, etc., etc.

But completely ignore that. The best answer I've ever heard to the favorite child question is: "My favorite child is the one who needs me most right now. I will give them the support and attention they need, and afterwards things will even out again."

Your mother loves you and your siblings, and presumably you have good relationships with your siblings. Even if they have hurt feelings over your mom's choice of a favorite and her decision to tell everyone, you really have to remember that it's your mom's choice, not yours. You shouldn't feel guilty for something you can't control. If you're your mother's favorite, I'm sure it's because of who you are, not any particular one thing you've done.

My advice to you is to realize that you cannot control her actions and you definitely cannot control her or your siblings' feelings. Do the best that you can do, because I can't see that you can do anything to change the situation. It's out of your hands, and I think once you completely understand that, the guilt you're experiencing will be long gone.

(Also: when your parents do something that affects you negatively, remember that they're human too, and they most certainly fuck up from time to time. No one is perfect, it seems like she loves all of her children and she will calm down, no matter how screwy things seem sometimes.)
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 7:34 PM on January 14, 2008

Don't feel guilty - it's not your fault that your mother has said you are her favorite.

And being a favorite child has its drawbacks - a mother usually expects/demands more from a favorite child. Your siblings might be happy to not be in the spotlight.
posted by davetill at 7:34 PM on January 14, 2008

You're possibly NOT 'the favorite' anymore so you're probably worrying about nothing. ...I know a passing comment my mother made a while ago would have absolutely no relevance today. There has been a reshuffling in the order of things, I would think... Perhaps in both of our cases.
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 12:46 AM on January 15, 2008

I've known I was my parents' favorite for quite a while, and I know why you would feel guilty despite doing nothing wrong. When I dropped out of college I knew I had disappointed them immensely. It was a hard decision, but I'm not trying to live a life that they can be satisfied with, I’m trying to live a life that I can be satisfied with.

Ironically though, my mom is the one who gave me the best advice on guilt I've heard. She told me that guilt is like a gift someone tries to give you--and like any gift, you can choose to accept it or reject it.

Hopefully your mom will realize that you were just as gay the day before you came out to her as you were the day after. And not just gay, but wonderful and fully worthy of the love that made you her favorite in the first place.
posted by sambosambo at 1:47 AM on January 15, 2008