We adore our cat and we're good parents to her. Do we have to give her up?

January 11, 2008 10:35 AM

Our former roommate had a cat, which he was babysitting for his ex. He lived with us for 6 months and barely acknowledged this wonderful, personable animal - they hadn't bothered to give her a name - and my girlfriend and I became close with her and kept her for 2 months after the roommate moved out. Now he has reappeared and wants to take her back to a lonely, neglected existence. We want to say no. How can we do this?

My girlfriend and I are both in our 20s and live in an apartment in NYC. We found this particular roommate through Craigslist.

He moved in with a cat in July, which he and his ex had owned for about a year and a half. The story is, they broke up and he had to keep a bunch of her stuff while she was traveling. The cat never had been given a name, which we thought was cute at until we saw that he rarely ever went near her or talked to her and his ex didn't seem to want her either. She's the sweetest, friendliest cat I've ever met and she quickly became attached to us. We gave her a name (Yuki) and she ended up staying in our room all day and eventually sleeping in our bed every night. We're in love with her and we both work from home so we're able to shower her with attention.

When the roommate moved out two months ago, we offered to keep her for as long as we could, hoping he would just give her over to us. He said she could stay until the beginning of January, when his mysterious ex (who we've only had one, slightly unfriendly encounter with) would take her back to Chicago with her. After two months of domestic bliss, I got an email from him that said "I'm coming to take the cat back on Monday" and to grab some DVDs he left.

I don't really know what to do. He a generally nice, intelligent guy, but he's a little weird about possessions - one time he got really freaked out because someone used a 50 cent plastic bowl he owned in the microwave. Yuki, our beloved Yuki, seems to be on the same level to him as that plastic bowl. He's sort of in denial about the cat being close to us - the only time I heard him acknowledge it was when he was arguing with his ex on the phone because neither of them wanted to keep her.

Strangely, though, he would never admit to this, and now he's coming to take her away be ignored for eternity. Aside from my own selfish reasons to keep Yuki - she makes me happy - I feel obligated to protect her from that fate. Though it seems hard to believe, he will act incredulous if I try to explain the situation and will NOT want us to keep her. He will even act as if we're unfit to take care of her.

So. Do we ask to talk to the ex directly, explain the situation and offer to buy her? What if they just say, "No! MY cat!" which we're expecting based on previous interactions? Short of going into hiding, what are our options here?

posted by empty commercial spaces to pets & animals (94 comments total)

Tell him it's died, or ran away, or something?
posted by Solomon at 10:39 AM on January 11

I'm sorry, but the cat isn't yours. Go to a local shelter and find a new cat to shower with attention.
posted by chrisamiller at 10:41 AM on January 11

What if they just say, "No! MY cat!" which we're expecting based on previous interactions?

Then you give them back their cat. Just because they're not giving it daily scritchies it doesn't mean they shouldn't get their cat back.

Go get another cat of your own. You'll become just as attached.

I know plenty of pet owners, and parents for that matter, who don't live up to my standards. Doesn't mean they should give up their pet or child.
posted by bondcliff at 10:41 AM on January 11

Explain the situation, offer to reimburse whatever he paid for the adoption fees. Make sure that you have the cat licensed to you guys and then if that doesn't work, tell the former roommate to go fish I guess ?

Do not insinuate that he is not an adequate care taker, that will get you no where. Explaining your attachment may get you somewhere.
posted by iamabot at 10:42 AM on January 11

Give them their cat back?
posted by box at 10:42 AM on January 11

Ha... yeah we thought of that. Or that she was in Europe visiting friends. But really, the died or ran away thing would send him over the edge. I get the feeling he's TERRIFIED of his ex.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 10:42 AM on January 11

Oddly enough, a very similar question has been asked here before.
posted by LobsterMitten at 10:44 AM on January 11

As for everyone jumping straight to "The cat isn't yours..."

We do buy her food and take care of her on a daily basis. If she were to get sick, the burden would fall on us and we would take it. This doesn't count for anything?
posted by empty commercial spaces at 10:45 AM on January 11

Can you get another cat that looks like Yuki and give him that cat? That way, a shelter cat is saved from dying and you get Yuki. He won't know the difference as he doesn't know Yuki or her personality at all.
posted by zia at 10:45 AM on January 11 [19 favorites]

Oh man. Zia that's brilliant. Keep 'em coming.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 10:48 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

As for everyone jumping straight to "The cat isn't yours..."

We do buy her food and take care of her on a daily basis. If she were to get sick, the burden would fall on us and we would take it. This doesn't count for anything?

No. You agreed to take on the burden of caring for the cat for a given period of time, and now that time is up. I don't think anyone here disagrees that you would be a better owner, but unfortunately, you're not the owner.

I echo the above comment - you sound like a great owner. Go find a shelter cat that needs a good home, before it's put down.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 10:49 AM on January 11

Maybe the cat will break through his lonely shell and teach him how to be a better person. Cats do that, you know.
posted by Aquaman at 10:49 AM on January 11

But the girlfriend will presumably know. You have no idea if she actually loves it or not, despite arguing with him about who takes it (could be just a stubborn part of their unhappy union). I know this is a heartbreaker, and I, too, would beg and plead and possibly even offer money to them in payment for keeping the cat.
posted by agregoli at 10:50 AM on January 11

yeah, I have to agree with most of the other sentiments here. It's not your cat, and he never gave it to you. He's not exactly abusing it -- cats are very independent anyway. If he were abusing it, you could report him to the Humane Society or whatever the equivalent is where you live, but in this case, the dude just wants his cat back. Sorry.
posted by modernnomad at 10:50 AM on January 11

Also, please don't get another cat in a "switch-a-roo," simply because it's not fair to the NEW cat. Karmically, this repulses me. How could you do that to a new cat that is hoping to escape shelter life and find a home?
posted by agregoli at 10:51 AM on January 11 [6 favorites]

I can't believe I'm suggesting this, but what the hell. I luvs teh kittahs....Take the cat to the vet and have it microchipped with your name and information. Then don't give the cat back; feed it, love it, and give it the happy life it deserves. If it has a microchip with your name, it's yours.
posted by junkbox at 10:53 AM on January 11 [2 favorites]

(but yes, offering to buy it is worth a shot)
posted by modernnomad at 10:53 AM on January 11

agregoli - Good point.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 10:54 AM on January 11

Give him the cat but tell him if the ex or he decide they don't want the responsibility you would be happy to take it.

I suspect once the cat starts peeing his bed or meowing all the time or leaving tootsie rolls in his shoes in displeasure, he will be happy to divest himself of his furry burden.

(I wish you had other options. I really do.)
posted by konolia at 10:54 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Offer to buy the cat. If he really doesn't care for it, it shouldn't cost much, and it lets him save face by sidestepping the whole "we love it more than you" issue.

I mean, put yourself in his shoes. Who are you more likely to help out — the guy who insults your empathy and ability to care for other creatures, or the guy who shakes your hand and offers you twenty bucks?
posted by nebulawindphone at 10:55 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

You might want to ask him if you can talk to the ex-girlfriend, yourself? This will save him from her wrath, give you an idea of how she feels about the cat and maybe the chance to deal with someone who isn't so stuck up about property.

Also, if you confront him about the cat, I'd nth talking in terms of "buying" the cat from him (or his ex-girlfriend). That has a better chance of making him feel like his ownership is respected, while also giving him a way out of taking the cat back.

Really, it is the girlfriend's cat.. But if she doesn't want it, and if you certainly do want it, I can see no reason why not to try to make the situation work out in everyone's best interest. But that has a lot to do with the desires and attitude of the girlfriend.
posted by Ms. Saint at 10:55 AM on January 11

Ss much as it sucks, you might be out of luck here. Perhaps talking to his ex might get her to give you the cat back. Let him take it, but ask for her number so you can be a responsible cat guardian and call her and let her know what the cat is accustomed to, any health concerns, etc. When you do call her, mention how much you miss the cat and if she'd be willing to give it up to you. It's not his cat to give you, so it's up to her. Cut him out of the equation entirely. She may want to give up the cat to you just to spite him.

If that doesn't work, nthing a trip to the SPCA. There are tons of cats who are even more in need of a loving companion like yourself.
posted by cgg at 10:56 AM on January 11

This doesn't count for anything?

Not really. If you borrowed his guitar and changed the stings and cleaned it and played it much more than he did and became attached to it and he kept it in a dirty room near his furnace, it'd still be his guitar.

Yes, I know a cat is not a guitar.

You could try arguing with him, insisting the cat is now yours by default and he's much better off in your house but you'd probably end up with Janet Reno storming in with a SWAT team removing the cat.
posted by bondcliff at 10:56 AM on January 11

With this guy, an inflexible "No, sorry" is going to trigger the worst response. You're going to have to go sappy here. Tell him that Yuki has accidentally become a part of your family, that the two of you can't imagine life without her, and that she is now even an important part of how you relate to each other. Lay it on thick. Then offer to buy her-- ask him what amount would be appropriate.

If he doesn't go for it, the dude is made of stone (if what you say is accurate about how they feel about the cat). And beyond there you can't do much without becoming the kind of people that warning stories are told about. Whether that's worth it is something we can't decide for you here, but I really, really hope you get to keep your cat.
posted by hermitosis at 11:02 AM on January 11

I'd ask the ex, even though your one interaction was unfriendly. If you're lucky she won't have the same possession issues as the former roommate. Be friendly and explain the issue in terms of your attachment to Yuki rather than their lack of care. I wouldn't bring up paying for adoption fees. If she brings them up, offer to pay, but offering to pay right off the bat seems like it might be insulting. You shouldn't feel bad about the adoption fees, though, considering you've been feeding her.

If she insists, give the cat back. Make it clear to the ex that your home is always open to yuki, in case they need a babysitter or what have you.

I wouldn't get a replacement Yuki, though, if she's taken away. I've had bad experiences with "replacement" pets. Wait a while, and if you still want a cat, get one that doesn't look the same.

It's quite possible that the ex doesn't even want the cat, though.

Best of luck.
posted by Rinku at 11:03 AM on January 11

I like the offering cash idea, as if he's not overly fond of her the money could be the deciding factor, although you did say he seemed terrified of the ex (in which case it might take a lot of cash, and she might turn up on your doorstep anyway. Still something to try, though). In an interesting reversal, could you try presenting him with a bill for food, litter, toys, vet visits, etc., when he comes to take her away? If he really doesn't care about the cat, he may balk at having to fork over cash in order to retrieve her ... slightly underhanded, perhaps, but if you didn't agree to no remuneration beforehand he can't exactly argue with you. If you're not willing to pull out the "oh, sorry, she ran away" story, this might work.

If you decide to stand your ground, meet him outside the apartment when he comes over. Bring his DVD's out to him, tell him that he can't have the cat (or whatever iteration of the scenario of his leaving catless you've chosen), and don't allow him inside.

(I'll also be the dissenting opinion on the "they're the owners" argument ... Yuki has clearly bonded with you, and anyone who truly cares about the kitty will prefer to see it stay somewhere where it will be happier, and get more attention and care. She's not a couch, or a microwave--she's a living being who will in all likelihood be very unhappy if she's separated from you. IMO, this trumps "I paid $60 at a shelter for her".)
posted by the luke parker fiasco at 11:04 AM on January 11 [2 favorites]

I disagree with the 'not your cat' comments. The cat is not an object, she's a living creature, and she has chosen you as much as you chose her. I think you are morally in the right if you decide to keep her.
posted by happyturtle at 11:06 AM on January 11 [3 favorites]

She may want to give up the cat to you just to spite him.

More brilliance that I hadn't considered.


As for the guitar thing, I wouldn't be worried about the guitar's happiness. But I understand that our society considers pets to be the same sort of thing, which feels clumsy to me but I guess it's how things work.

Great advice all around. This feels much more doable to me, and I'll let her go if I must, but not without some amalgamation of everything suggested above.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 11:10 AM on January 11

Interesting pair you're dealing with here. Do you get the impression that both of them would be really eager to stick the other with the cat as part of some kind of keeping score sort of thing. If so you might be able to offer him the option of "keeping the cat" to get his ex off his back without all the grief of having to actually, you know, keep the cat. Or maybe approach the ex with the same kind of deal.

Based on your description, I might conclude this pitch with something like, "besides, my girlfriend likes the cat so I'd even be willing to buy it from you to make her happy." That gives you a motivation that is not directly connected to the cat which, I think, might be helpful in this case.

I also wouldn't refer to it by the name you gave it when you talk to them. Call it, "the cat" or "it" and make it seem as much like an off the shelf product as possible.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 11:14 AM on January 11

Nope, the cat is an object that has no say in who it's owner is. (Guess what, neither do children. If so, every 5 year old with a tantrum would go live at their friends with the cool, hip parents).

This cat is not yours. If you take it, you will be stealing a beloved pet from someone else. That's pretty freakin' low. You don't know that this person isn't very affectionate with the cat - maybe they just affectionate aren't around you, or publicly affectionate in general? And you know what, that is totally irrelevant because they never gave you the cat - they just agreed to let you care for it for a predetermined amount of time. Don't abuse that trust. The ethical choice here is clear.
posted by dendrite at 11:17 AM on January 11

I also wouldn't refer to it by the name you gave it when you talk to them. Call it, "the cat" or "it" and make it seem as much like an off the shelf product as possible.

or

You're going to have to go sappy here. Tell him that Yuki has accidentally become a part of your family, that the two of you can't imagine life without her, and that she is now even an important part of how you relate to each other. Lay it on thick.


Two opposing strategies, both sound promising.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 11:18 AM on January 11

The way you portray it, this guy is completely irrational. I doubt money will do it -- if he's thinking clearly, he should realize that cats cost money to maintain; he also may be offended, or pretend to take the high moral ground.

Involving the ex is tricky. Were you to report that to him, he might do her bidding (if he's genuinely terrified), or view the cat as a way of maintaining some kind of bridge to her.

Desperation idea, likely to be shouted down: if he does not bend, give the cat a little Laxatone or the equivalent just before departure. Short term price to be paid by the cat, overwhelmed by long-term gain for it if the dude wants to give it back after a few messy days.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 11:19 AM on January 11

Dendrite - I don't think you read the conversation here. I'm aware that there are infinitely better options than sneaking the cat out the back door.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 11:20 AM on January 11

I think the "part of the family" argument is your best bet. Do you have photos with the cat? Toys you've bought or games you've developed? It does sound like he might be weirdly possessive, and want to keep her out of principle. Best of luck.

Also, please post to let us know how it all works out!
posted by lhall at 11:21 AM on January 11

I don't agree with the people who tell you to give her up because you don't own her. You might not be her direct owner, but the fact that the girlfriend let her ex boyfriend leave her pet with two roommates she didn't know indicates a lack of caring about the cat in the first place. I don't know a single good pet owner that would be okay with leaving their pet with virtual strangers without at least calling to check on her, or talk to you two about it first. They may own her in the sense that they bought her, but that doesn't make either of them responsible.

I think asking the ex to keep the cat might be a bad idea. Worse case scenario, she says "No.", and there's nothing you can counter that with. And if he's as scared as you say he is of the ex, he's probably not going to care if you go all warm and fuzzy on him about the cat, he's going to say that his hands are tied and the ex wants her back.

I think your best bet is going to be what the luke parker fiasco said, tally up a bill and ask him to fork over the cash for the kitty. I'm willing to bet the ex says no, and then you can feel justified in keeping her, and certainly legally justified.
posted by Breo at 11:21 AM on January 11 [2 favorites]

Hm, seeing the most recent posts, maybe you could do the good-cop-bad-cop routine, using both strategies?
posted by lhall at 11:22 AM on January 11

Just tell him "No, you can't have the cat." Don't let him come over, mail his stuff to his new address. Hopefully he doesn't have a key.
posted by electroboy at 11:23 AM on January 11 [4 favorites]

You do not own the cat anymore than a daycare worker owns your children. Offer money AND a replacement cat.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:24 AM on January 11

I think your best bet is going to be what the luke parker fiasco said, tally up a bill and ask him to fork over the cash for the kitty. I'm willing to bet the ex says no, and then you can feel justified in keeping her, and certainly legally justified.

Except the honest bill would be pretty small.

Sucks, because what you said before that is true.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 11:25 AM on January 11

Well, as to presenting a bill: if someone were to do that to me, without having a prior discussion with me about doing something like that, I would (a) pay a reasonable amount, and (b) avoid doing them favors of any kind at all. It would steel my conviction to take the cat, at least if I surmised that's why you were doing it. It's irrational, but sounds like within this guy's range.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 11:26 AM on January 11

How about right before he comes over you rub Yuki really quickly on the carpet, so when he goes to pick her up he gets a shock?

But seriously, I'm with the luke parker fiasco (whatever that is), this is war. Leave nothing unplanned. Bring his personal stuff outside and meet him. Tell him you're keeping the cat, for the reasons you mentioned originally, both your care and love for the cat, as well as his, well, not-care and not-love. Yuki is a pawn in their little breakup game.
posted by poppo at 11:28 AM on January 11

IANAL, but as I understand it, when you start taking care of an animal, legally, you become responsible for that animal. Animals are not legally the equivalent of plastic bowls. We don't have any laws against cruelty to guitars.

And while it would probably need to be litigated to determine the outcome, you could make a reasonable argument that this cat's original owner, by leaving it with a boyfriend for 6 (?) months, and then apparently taking no action after he left it with you for another 2 months, has effectively abandoned it. The ex-boyfriend apparently makes no claim that the cat is his, so if you want to make an issue out of it, make it with the ex-girlfriend. You can explain to him "look, we don't want this to be a hassle for you, but we're keeping the cat, and if your ex-girlfriend has a problem with that, she can talk directly to us."
posted by adamrice at 11:49 AM on January 11 [6 favorites]

You know, I get the impression that you've (consciously or unconsciously) set up a situation in which you can feel justified keeping the kitty, who you sound pretty attached to.

I think ethically, it's pretty clear: regardless of whether the cat would be happier living with you or the ex-girlfriend (and if you're brutally honest with yourself you should be able to admit that you don't know that the ex girlfriend isn't a wonderful cat owner, maybe even better than you), you offered to temporarily take care of your roommate's cat until he was in a position to take it back. He didn't abandon this cat with you or put you in a position where you were forced to build such an attachment; he took you up on a what he probably assumed was a good-faith offer to kitty-sit. If you try to put one over on him to keep the cat, you're basically using his trust in your good-faith offer to screw him.

You might be at the point where you don't really care what's ethical anymore, because you really want to keep Yuki. If that's the case, then there's probably other advice in this thread that will help you out. But I know that sometimes when I get really close to a situation that I'm very emotionally involved in, I have a tendency to twist the facts in my mind to make myself feel justified in taking a course of action that I want to take really badly, even when I know it's not the right thing to do. It seems like you might be doing a bit of the same thing here: you say that you should keep the cat because neither of them really want her, but that seems to contradict both the roommate's and the ex-girlfriend's claim to want her back. (If they truly don't want the cat, then they'd have no problem giving her to you. If they have a problem giving the cat away, that probably means they actually want her, regardless of what you think you overheard in a phone conversation.)

If your ex-roommate is taking the cat back to give to his ex-girlfriend, the stand-up thing to do would be to call up the ex-girlfriend, explain that you've grown quite attached to the cat, and ask whether you can reimburse her for the expenses of adopting her. Feel free to make as passionate a case as you like; I hope it sways her, because it sounds like you really love the little thing. But using deception to keep the cat definitely isn't the above-board thing to do, no matter how justified you feel.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:59 AM on January 11 [1 favorite]

"look, we don't want this to be a hassle for you, but we're keeping the cat, and if your ex-girlfriend has a problem with that, she can talk directly to us."

i like it, if things end up going in this direction and that's the course of action. the whole thing is a gamble based on all the ex-g/f variables.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 12:03 PM on January 11

you say that you should keep the cat because neither of them really want her, but that seems to contradict both the roommate's and the ex-girlfriend's claim to want her back. (If they truly don't want the cat, then they'd have no problem giving her to you. If they have a problem giving the cat away, that probably means they actually want her, regardless of what you think you overheard in a phone conversation.)

I completely understand what you're saying, but really, what he says and what he does don't line up at all in this area. He has a thing about possessions - lots of distorted reality. Once he brought a pretty hefty table into the living room and said it could be used for whatever. We put the TV on it, and he paced around it for the whole night worrying that the table would collapse under it. It was a big-ass table. No chance.

It's been like this about other stuff, too.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 12:09 PM on January 11

adamrice is right. Either way you look at this-- the BF wants the cat as a bridge to his ex or he is terrified of his ex's wrath-- this approach works for both you and him. He can go back to her and say "they say the problem is yours". It gives him an out if he is afraid of her and/or it removes this poor animal from being a pawn in the game. If and when she contacts you, cite the 6 months with BF in his "custodianship" and the 2 months in your custodianship. Offer to buy.

Being as adamant about pet custodianship as I am, I would lawyer up on this (no, seriously), to see if there is any law on my side. A former coworker went to court for a dog left in her care who was then 'suddenly loved' by her former owner. It may be that the ex has a claim, but that does not mean you have to make it easy for her. Legally not-easy.
posted by oflinkey at 12:12 PM on January 11

A former coworker of mine. Sorry.
posted by oflinkey at 12:16 PM on January 11

I guess my point, empty commercial spaces, is that doing the ethical thing is rarely dependent upon other people's actions. In this case, I think your love for your cat may even be distorting your perception of the situation.

You were the one who offered to kitty-sit, with the hope that he would just forget about the cat or give her to you. It really sucks that things didn't turn out that way, but to use the fact that he left her with you as a justification--that he clearly doesn't love her, because you were the one taking care of her--seems to conveniently side-step your role in setting that situation up.

And regardless of your ex-roommate's personal failings, his lack of affection towards the cat and his weirdness around possessions, you say that he's not even the owner of Yuki anyway--it's his ex-girlfriend, who left the cat in his possession because she was traveling. You're really screwing this guy if you just refuse to give the cat back, because it sounds like it's not his cat in the first place. That may be the big mystery behind why he won't just give her to you: it's not his, and he knows the right thing to do is to give the cat back to his ex-girlfriend, even if it means pissing off his ex-roommates.

You've met the ex-girlfriend once, and it sounds like you didn't have a very pleasant interaction. But that's a far cry from knowing that she won't be a good pet-owner. If you had solid, concrete, unbiased information that she was an evil kitty-abuser, I'd probably say the ethical thing to do was to figure out a way to keep Yuki from her, but I'm just not seeing that at all in your question. I know it sucks to give her the cat when you don't personally like her, but it's the right thing to do. Sorry.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:22 PM on January 11

At the risk of incurring MetaWrath, in your position I wouldn’t give the cat back. I wouldn’t let the roommate into the house and I wouldn’t deal with him face to face.

He didn’t name the cat, he doesn’t know the cat and the cat has adopted you. My beloved cat was adopted from neglectful bad parents who decided they “needed to get rid of him” after taking a new apartment where pets weren’t allowed. I still occasionally talk with the bad parents, and if they were to decide they were somehow justified in making a demand for the cat, there is NO WAY I would put my babycat through the trauma of leaving his beloved home with his routines and where he is spoiled rotten to go back to that nightmare.

Change your locks and mail him his DVDs.
posted by Sheppagus at 12:24 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

Ugh you people and your right and wrong and your complete disconnection to real life. It is tiring.

Take the cat to a friend's house. Guy shows up, say "Sorry man, your cat ran away two days ago." He freaks out, you say "Yeah sorry, I thought I had closed the door, and the damn thing just ran away. I got some signs up. If somebody finds him I'll call you." If he doesn't get over it then just toss him out. He doesn't live there anymore. Problem solved.
posted by ND¢ at 12:28 PM on January 11 [20 favorites]

I agree with the recent comments. Either way you would perceive ownership, that kitty isn't his; it's either yours or the ex-girlfriend's. If you feel he has no intentions of returning it to his ex, than it may be proper to not give it back to him.

In Animal Crossing, when you find that Billy lent his hair-dryer to Betty who lent it to Sally who lent it to Rizzo who lent it to Zoe... you dont return the thing to Rizzo first. You return it to Billy. So find out if you can keep it from the ex directly.
posted by yeti at 12:31 PM on January 11

I'm going to have to agree with iminurmefi here. You don't know anything about the ex-girlfriend, and you offered to kitty-sit for 6 months while she was traveling and got settled. Sometimes life happens that way where you need to leave your pets someplace until you settle into your new life. But then you want them back

She wants her cat back, and you're obligated to give it to her.
posted by cmgonzalez at 12:31 PM on January 11

Morally, that cat is yours. No one who loves their cat leaves it with strangers for months without checking in on it. You've seen from experience that the ex-roommate doesn't really want the cat, and the ex-girlfriend would have been making arrangements with you long ago to get the cat back if she wanted it. Period.

Do whatever you need to to make them go away quietly: ofter to pay, make it look like its their decision to sell the cat to you, whatever, but don't give up your cat. The suggestion upthread to have the cat microchipped with your name sounds good, and you might even want to talk to your vet to see if theres anything else you can do to make the cat 'officially' yours. I wouldn't even bother telling the vet about other people wanting to take it away, just about doing whatever would 'normally' establish the cat as yours. Is there a NYC cat license?

If they want this cat, make them fight for it legally. They won't be bothered to try and get a lawyer or call the cops over a cat they don't even want.
posted by Reverend John at 12:33 PM on January 11 [3 favorites]

I agree with happyturtle, Yuki is not a thing, she's a living being.

I like the bad cop/good cop idea. Combine it with "here's the bill for all the cost of caring care of the cat --- but since my gf likes the cat, she's willing to waive the cost and pay you for the cat for X amount."
posted by vocpanda at 12:36 PM on January 11

Fuck that guy. Keep the cat. End of story.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:39 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

To be fair, Reverend John, the ex-girlfriend didn't leave the cat with strangers: she left it with her ex-boyfriend, with whom she had been living when they originally got the cat. She may or may not be aware that the OP has been taking care of the cat for the last two months after the ex-boyfriend moved out. I mean, the OP doesn't say that he offered to cat-sit for the owner, he says he offered to cat-sit for the roommate, who was taking care of the cat for his ex while his ex was traveling.

The OP says the the roommate and the ex-girlfriend owned the cat for *a year and a half* together; not to make light of the bonding that has occurred for the OP and his girlfriend with the cat in the previous two months, but given that history I'd feel especially bad with myself for keeping Yuki if the ex-girlfriend wants her back. Sometimes the most responsible thing to do is to recognize when you are temporarily unable to take care of someone or something else, and let other people do so for you until you get back on your feet. If the ex-girlfriend was in the process of breaking up with her long-term boyfriend, and part of the fallout of that was needing to move halfway across the country, it sounds like she did the right thing by not dragging the cat along with her when her life was in such disarray.

I'd feel like a real asshole if I realized a year from now that I not only basically confirmed my ex-roommates biggest fears about lending his stuff out to other people (really--you offered to take care of the cat, and now you're considering just keeping it; maybe stuff like this is exactly why he's so neurotic about other people touching his stuff), but I also basically stole a cat from woman who was in the middle of breaking up with a long-time, live-in boyfriend and who had trusted her ex enough to care for the cat when she couldn't. Ugh. I know you love the cat, but you really should do the right thing and talk to the ex-girlfriend directly about whether it's possible for you to adopt the cat from her.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:50 PM on January 11

Fuck that guy. Keep the cat.

Well, it's better than the opposite, I suppose.

But really . . . If you want to base your decision on a non-property view of the cat, be aware that it's not the way the law looks at it (with restrictions for abusive situations), and I doubt it's the way you look at it ordinarily. Ask yourself if a cat-whisperer from AskMe visited, and totally bewitched your cat, would you be cool with letting the cat follow its heart?

If you take a property-oriented view, the cat belongs to this guy and his ex.

Frankly, to my mind, you have two choices: you figure out a way to persuade this guy, while being honest, that he should leave the cat with you, or you decide that you are privileging your interests and the cat's (and be clear with yourself about which is which) over all other considerations.

P.S. Or, third option, give the cat a laxative before turning her over, and wait for him to call. I still kind of like that.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:53 PM on January 11

Can you get another cat that looks like Yuki and give him that cat? That way, a shelter cat is saved from dying and you get Yuki. He won't know the difference as he doesn't know Yuki or her personality at all.

Years ago, my father was supposed to take care of a friend's bird. The bird flew away and my father tried this "trick". It failed miserably.

Another story: I had a neighbour who would constantly neglect her kittens. She would leave her apartment for days on end and leave the kitties with no food or water. Yet she claimed to love them immensely. She probably didn't know how to love them.

Maybe the ex is like my old neighbour.

Anyways, I would suggest contacting the ex directly as it is her cat and who knows, maybe the right price will change her mind.
posted by bitteroldman at 12:54 PM on January 11

P.S. Or, third option, give the cat a laxative before turning her over, and wait for him to call. I still kind of like that.

Another suggestion that is needlessly cruel to the animal who has no say in any of this.
posted by agregoli at 12:56 PM on January 11

Why does everyone keep saying that she's the ex's cat? I understand her to be owned by the ex and the BF, and that the BF and the ex had agreed that she would go to live with the ex.

I don't think this is merely semantic (though it is ownership based). If ex were suddenly to say, "Ex-honey, I no longer have any room," this guy would ordinarily be in his rights to say "Well, then, she'll come to stay with me."
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 12:58 PM on January 11

agregoli,

The only conditions under which I would recommend that (did recommend it, originally) would be if everything else fails, and the OP thinks the cat would be miserable elsewhere. It's probably still a rotten idea, but it's hard to be concerned about cruelty to the cat, let alone needless cruelty, and sacrifice its long-term interests for its short-terms. Think of it like indirect medicine.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:01 PM on January 11

But really . . . If you want to base your decision on a non-property view of the cat, be aware that it's not the way the law looks at it (with restrictions for abusive situations), and I doubt it's the way you look at it ordinarily.

I don't think the law figures into it, really: I don't see any way that the roommate can prove that the cat he dumped on other people for two months is his property. If the ex desperately wants the cat back, she will contact the OP, and that might be a different story.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:06 PM on January 11

...Oh, wait -- I forgot that they had the cat for a year and a half and never named it. No, both roommate and ex are tools. Seriously, keep this cat.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 1:07 PM on January 11

I am more concerned with the ethics of caring for living, caring beings than the ethics of property ownership. Board Yuki with a friend/her vet the day he comes over, tell him he can't have the cat back/the cat ran away/the cat died/the cat is canvassing for Ron Paul in Nevada; he can't have the cat. I agree with the folks who say have the guy or his ex take it up with a lawyer if they're so keen on having ol' No-Name back. And to change your locks if he has a key.

He doesn't sound like a person who's terribly easy to reason or argue with, so I wouldn't put too much effort into coddling or manipulating him. I think a flat-out decree is best in this case, since you'll probably have to deal with fallout on his/ex-gf's side whichever method you choose, anyway.

And if you ever do start to waver, just think about Yuki's big soft eyes staring at you as the ex-roommate carries her out the door. . .
posted by tyrantkitty at 1:08 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

Clyde Mnestra, because the first line of the question is:

Our former roommate had a cat, which he was babysitting for his ex.

I mean, stripped of the part about bonding with the cat and not really liking his ex-roommate, it boils down to (from the OP):

He moved in with a cat in July, which he and his ex had owned for about a year and a half. The story is, they broke up and he had to keep a bunch of her stuff while she was traveling...When the roommate moved out two months ago, we offered to keep her for as long as we could, hoping he would just give her over to us. He said she could stay until the beginning of January, when his ex would take her back to Chicago with her.

Now he's asking for the cat back. I just don't see any justification for keeping it from the ex-girlfriend; it sounds like you don't have a very good impression of her, but honestly, she was in the middle of breaking up with her boyfriend and moving to Chicago. I doubt most of us would come across as super-friendly warm people in that situation. Doesn't make her a bad cat-owner.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:08 PM on January 11

iminurmefi, I thought about that a little bit. I still stand by what I said, mostly. However, I do think that if the ex-gf put up a fairly serious fight to keep the cat ECS should take that into consideration. I really can't see any downside to asserting that this cat is theirs and making the ex's prove otherwise. Although, of course, IANAL.

The ex-roomate though? Who cares what he thinks, beyond wanting to get rid of him.
posted by Reverend John at 1:09 PM on January 11

The only conditions under which I would recommend that (did recommend it, originally) would be if everything else fails, and the OP thinks the cat would be miserable elsewhere. It's probably still a rotten idea, but it's hard to be concerned about cruelty to the cat, let alone needless cruelty, and sacrifice its long-term interests for its short-terms. Think of it like indirect medicine.

Yes, it is a rotten idea. I can think of no moral argument that would justify doing this to an animal. Also, as has been pointed out here ad-nauesum, there is no "greater harm" lurking here, such as animal abuse at the hands of the ex. What the OP thinks might happen vs. doing actual harm to the animal, well...it's no contest. If everything else fails, I would recommend the OP accept defeat graciously, inquire about the cat from time to time, making it clear she would always take the cat back, and try to get over her grief of losing a dear pet.
posted by agregoli at 1:10 PM on January 11

iminurmefi,

I have chewed up enough AskMe ether on this, but my point was simply that the OP said explicitly that BF and ex owned the cat jointly, that they'd agreed that the ex would take the cat ultimately, and that he was to have custody in the meantime.

If the cat were a big-screen TV, and the ex up and died, we'd say the BF has dibs over the OP, even if we think the OP watches a lot more TV and would take care of it better.

The wrinkle is that the cat's not a TV (if you resist the idea of owning a pet) and the ex isn't dead -- but even if the ex isn't dead, we wouldn't ordinarily say she could divest her co-owner of his interest, I don't think.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:16 PM on January 11

agregoli,

I agree with your bottom line, and in truth, wouldn't have the heart to do it to the animal. I disagree that there's no moral argument that could be made for doing this -- and on that topic, I'm not at all sure what the moral foundations for your position, which seems to both emphasize the cat's rights and the ex/BF's rights, without providing us with any clear mechanism for resolving them when they are in tension with one another. But our true instincts are ultimately the same.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:21 PM on January 11

I agree with your bottom line, and in truth, wouldn't have the heart to do it to the animal.

Relieved to hear that, although I'm positive that the OP loves the animal enough that she wouldn't do it either, so I think it's kind of moot.

I disagree that there's no moral argument that could be made for doing this

It's justified to harm an animal if you think that will trick someone into possibly stopping a possible greater harm to the animal? Pretty morally dubious.

and on that topic, I'm not at all sure what the moral foundations for your position, which seems to both emphasize the cat's rights and the ex/BF's rights, without providing us with any clear mechanism for resolving them when they are in tension with one another.

I did provide a mechanism for resolving them when they are in tension with each other, as have many other people here. I would plead and beg, most likely, after asking nicely and explaining the situation to the ex. I would probably offer monetary compensation. If that didn't work, I would try to get over it and still hope I could get the cat in the future. The cat really doesn't have rights. It's a pawn in this whole game. It would be lovely if the OP could keep the cat, but we're not discussing the cat's rights at all. We're discussing the OP's attempt to keep the cat, and I don't think it enters into a right for her to keep it at all. The rights to keep the cat are firmly with the ex, as sad as that may be.

If we're talking about rights in a free-floating karmic kind of way, then yes, she has a universally-approved right to have the cat cause they are happy together. But this is the real world and it's worth pointing out that at a base level, pets are part possessions in the sense that people "own" them and she doesn't have the right to have the pet in the "I can do what I want and you can't have it back." She can DO that, but she wouldn't have a right to do it, in my eyes, without at least trying to find out more from the ex first. And I'm as sympathetic to this sucky situation as they come.
posted by agregoli at 1:32 PM on January 11

he was arguing with his ex on the phone because neither of them wanted to keep her

I don't think that you can assume she doesn't want the cat now from one side of a phone conversation you overheard. "Keep" could have meant that she was unable to provide the cat with care at that time, it does necessarily mean that she would never want the cat again. It's also possible that this was something said in the heat of the moment or misinterpreted.

I think you should talk to the ex, and explain that you have become attached to the cat. Ask if there is any way you could work something out where you could keep the cat. Offer to buy the cat from her if need be, though this might be better phrased as "I will pay you an adoption fee for the cat". If the cat is important enough to her that she would refuse $200 or so (adjust for your/her income, etc.), she probably cares about the cat and misses it. Suck it up, give the cat back, and adopt another.

I don't think it means much that the cat wasn't named. I used to have a cat named "cat", and got a second cat named "other cat". At another point, I had a cat that I named, and promptly forgot what I had named him. I don't think any of the cats found their lack of formal name particularly troubling.
posted by yohko at 1:38 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

It's justified to harm an animal if you think that will trick someone into possibly stopping a possible greater harm to the animal? Pretty morally dubious.


It's simple utilitarianism (which you may not credit as being moral), in which you assess not only the potential harm to the animal but also the benefit of staying in a certain to be loving home. As to the contingent aspect, that can't be determinative; you're just quarreling about the odds, about which neither of us knows enough. If you see a baby carriage rolling toward the cliff, and could save the baby only by seizing it roughly and injuring it, presumably you would -- even if you were aware that there was decent chance that the carriage would tip over before it reached the cliff, or that someone else would intervene. Just so: injure the cat a little if your best prediction is that it will yield substantially greater benefits to it. Like a vaccine, again. I agree with you, though, that one should be realistic about how bad it would really be with the BF and ex.

I did provide a mechanism for resolving them when they are in tension with each other, as have many other people here. I would plead and beg, most likely, after asking nicely and explaining the situation to the ex. I would probably offer monetary compensation. If that didn't work, I would try to get over it and still hope I could get the cat in the future. The cat really doesn't have rights. It's a pawn in this whole game. It would be lovely if the OP could keep the cat, but we're not discussing the cat's rights at all. We're discussing the OP's attempt to keep the cat, and I don't think it enters into a right for her to keep it at all. The rights to keep the cat are firmly with the ex, as sad as that may be.

If the cat has NO rights, it's harder to develop the view you have (which I share) that we shouldn't harm it. Not impossible, but harder. If it does have rights, the problem arises.

I'm also not sure how finding out more from the ex could be useful under your view of things, but you've already been patient enough.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 1:44 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

the only time I heard him acknowledge it was when he was arguing with his ex on the phone because neither of them wanted to keep her
Nth-ing Change locks, mail DVDs, keep cat.

Oh, and please post follow-up :) good luck!
posted by mimi at 2:09 PM on January 11

Bah! Stash the cat at a friend's house, when the dude shows up tell him the cat ran off / died / was elected to public office / got et up by a owl / whatever.

I had a cat once. Byron Dumbcat. Most evilist cat in the world. He only had one eye. Everyone hated that cat. Everyone except for my weird roommate Dick. Dick loved Byron. One day, Dick left for Flagstaff and took ol' Byron with him. At first, I thought, "What the hell? Who steals a cat?" But I got over it pretty quick. And Byron's happy in Flagstaff with Dick.

Seriously. I'm a clergy person and I'm telling you to steal this cat. I know this will come back to haunt me but if what you said in your original post is true, then Yuki and you were meant to be together, if you know what I mean.
posted by Baby_Balrog at 2:14 PM on January 11 [1 favorite]

It's simple utilitarianism (which you may not credit as being moral), in which you assess not only the potential harm to the animal but also the benefit of staying in a certain to be loving home. As to the contingent aspect, that can't be determinative; you're just quarreling about the odds, about which neither of us knows enough.

I'm "just" quarreling about the odds? Yes, I am. There's no need to harm the animal to try and prevent what is seen as a possible harm. I find arguments to the contrary ridiculous, I'm sorry. It sounds like you've got a much further philosophy education than I've ever had, but I do not see this idea (giving drugs deliberately to the animal to make it sick on the off-chance the owner will return it to the OP) as a good one in any way, shape, or form.

If you see a baby carriage rolling toward the cliff, and could save the baby only by seizing it roughly and injuring it, presumably you would -- even if you were aware that there was decent chance that the carriage would tip over before it reached the cliff, or that someone else would intervene. Just so: injure the cat a little if your best prediction is that it will yield substantially greater benefits to it.

I do not find that analogy anywhere near close to what you suggested. And I don't see any reason why the "best prediction" is that the cat would be given back - it could just as easily be taken to the vet to be destroyed, now that it shits all over the carpet. The risk assessment seems very wack.

If the cat has NO rights, it's harder to develop the view you have (which I share) that we shouldn't harm it. Not impossible, but harder. If it does have rights, the problem arises.

It has rights not to be harmed for no good reason. I'm talking about it's "right" to decide where to live. It does not have that right.

I'm also not sure how finding out more from the ex could be useful under your view of things, but you've already been patient enough.

I would say so. Let's take any further discussion of this to personal messages so not to derail further?
posted by agregoli at 2:44 PM on January 11

Since this ex-roommate was just someone you found on Craigslist and won't see in the future, and his GF lives in Chicago, you don't have to go into hiding, only the cat does, and only for a few hours. Send Yuki to a friend's house on Monday (or to mine, if necessary, I live in the Village), and tell these non-cat-people that it has disappeared.

(Oh, reading back, I'm just seconding NC¢.)
posted by nicwolff at 2:52 PM on January 11

Bring out a sword, and offer to divide the cat in two, and give him one half, and keep the other half.

No, no. Offer to let him cut, but only if you choose. That way it'll ensure that the division is fair.

Can I make a pathetic suggestion that doesn't involve laxatives?

Tell him that you won't be around on Monday but that you will leave the DVDs for him on the door. Maybe it will achieve a little more critical distance if you make the only purpose of his next approach getting the cat -- it makes the sole purpose of the next visit getting the cat, not collecting all his stuff -- and maybe it buys you a little time. I suggest this mainly because for him it all seems to be about stuff, and it sounds like he had to invent some ulterior motive in order to work his way around to the cat issue.

Now, if he still has a key and could go in and would be disposed to go in and get the cat, this won't work as well. It's hard to see you decamping with the cat. Perhaps you could leave a message telling him that Monday's not good and that you've dropped the DVDs in the mail to him, and hope that contributes.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 2:56 PM on January 11

You're willing to deprive a human being of what might be her only connection to a former, happier life.

So a cat can be petted more often, and because you didn't get along with your old roommate.

OK, if that's what you're willing to do, board Yuki and tell ex-roommate that she ran away, so that her original owner will have to grieve that her cat is alone, scared, cold, and possibly dead. Go ahead.
posted by sondrialiac at 2:57 PM on January 11

And you have no idea if the girlfriend ignored the cat. If so, how would she have become so affectionate and sweet? Just something to think about.
posted by sondrialiac at 3:00 PM on January 11

sondrialiac, the GF hadn't named the cat in 1.5 years, hasn't seen it in six months, and hasn't inquired about it for at least two months. If it were it a human, Child Services would have taken it long ago. She pretty clearly doesn't depend on it for any "connection to a former, happier life" or care much about its condition or welfare. ecs on the other hand sleeps with the little critter every night and lavishes love upon it.
posted by nicwolff at 3:42 PM on January 11

Offer to buy the cat. I'll bet you $100 invisible Metadollars that your offer is accepted.
posted by desuetude at 3:43 PM on January 11

To review:

I would certainly give Yuki back to the ex if I talked to her and she showed real concern or seemed to care about her in any genuine way. I don't know if the answer is to contact her directly, or tell the roommate to have her call us if she objects, but I don't intend on slamming the door on the former owner.

I imagined the "think of her big soft eyes as he carries her away" scenario, and while it obviously breaks my heart, it only does so because I imagine her to be ignored for the rest of her life. As much as I adore her, I would give her up gracefully under any circumstance where I knew she would be loved. It honestly doesn't have a lot to do with my feelings or my girlfriend's. My interest here is Yuki.


And yes, while the laxatives answer is funny in a McGyver way, I wouldn't be able to do it to her. So that's off the table as far as real potential options.


I don't think it means much that the cat wasn't named. I used to have a cat named "cat", and got a second cat named "other cat". At another point, I had a cat that I named, and promptly forgot what I had named him. I don't think any of the cats found their lack of formal name particularly troubling.

Remember, we thought the lack of a name was cute until we saw that he never made contact with her. Just sayin'.
posted by empty commercial spaces at 5:45 PM on January 11

The ex didn't abandon the cat. She left it with her exboyfriend, and probably got regular updates like 'yea, I'm feeding it, it's still alive, my roommate plays with it all the time'. For all you know, the boyfriend hasn't even told her that he left it with you - if she's travelling, he could easily keep telling her he was looking after it. The fact that you don't like her, and her exboyfriend doesn't like cats, don't give you the right to steal her pet.
posted by jacalata at 5:50 PM on January 11

If you're still reading this thread, possession is 9/10ths, I take it that neither of those people live with you anymore, and Yuki loves you. Tell 'em to screw off and go get some other cat. Godspeed.
posted by ZakDaddy at 7:47 PM on January 11

the GF hadn't named the cat in 1.5 years, hasn't seen it in six months, and hasn't inquired about it for at least two months.

According to the EX boyfriend. Who was supposed to take care of his girlfriend's cat and left her in the hands of strangers. The boyfriend is not getting the cat, the girlfriend is, and it's not unusual for one member of a couple to bond more strongly with a pet.

I would contact the girlfriend directly but if she's willing to a) talk to her ex, ugh and b) wait until she's in a stable living situation before retrieving the cat, then she actually sounds like a good cat-momma and I'd want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Note that I said "her". You have to remember that SHE is the one getting the cat.
posted by sondrialiac at 9:27 PM on January 11

I'm a tough guy, but I have a thing for cats. So I'll say this - offer to buy the cat. Put a price at what you would be willing to pay for it, then offer half. Do this to the person who will own the cat - as in, first mention it to roommie, and then call gf to make the offer. Offer to buy her a new kitten as an extra. Tell her the cat seems happy in your home, and that pulling it out would be a bit unkind. If they insist, then just go shop for your OWN cat. Get something small, kitteny and with the colors you like. You'll forget the old cat soon enough.
posted by markovich at 9:34 PM on January 11

Girl gets a cat with boyfriend. She goes traveling. She left the cat with the NOW ex-boyfriend. If she really loved the kitty why didn't she leave it with her folks, her family, a close friend whom she trusted? Ex-boyfriend didn't care about the cat.

Girl hasn't even been with the cat for 2+ years now. If she wants a cat, she should go get a shelter cat.

On an aside, I went with some friends to the cat shelter last weekend. I was shocked to see so many beautiful, good natured, friendly cats of all ages waiting for good homes.
posted by k8t at 12:29 PM on January 12

I was in a similar situation once. I asked to keep that cat and was turned down. I handed the cat back over to the owner (who I found out later she passed it off to someone else within a month.)

That was almost 15 years ago. I've never forgotten that cat and regret that I didn't just steal it. I learned that when it comes to the welfare of children and animals I'm willing to bend some ethical rules.

If I let my own cat stay with total strangers I'd call every day. These people sound awful. Lie and keep your cat.
posted by red_lotus at 3:38 PM on January 12 [1 favorite]

Imagine visiting AskMe and reading this post:

Two years ago, my boyfriend and I saved a precious little kitty from the asylum, which we both dearly loved. Unfortunately, after a year, we decided the relationship wasn't working out and we broke up.

We both amicably agreed that I could keep Cat, but I had already planned on travelling. So, we agreed my ex would catsit for about 8 months and would return Cat to me in the beginning of January.

All this time I missed Cat dearly, but given to the breakup it was emotionally unfair to call my ex to ask how Cat was doing. Needless to say, I've been counting the days!

As it turns out, he dutifully babysat Cat for 6 months, but then left her with his former roommates for the last two months. I was obviously not aware of this situation, I would never have agreed!

These former roommates now claim they have bonded with Cat and want to keep her. They claim I didn't name her, I don't love her and I don't want her! I've met these people only once, so I don't know why they are saying these awful things. (To be honest, it was a slightly unfriendly encounter.)

They presented the ex with an enormous bill for food and suggested they would drop the bill if they could buy Cat. I think they might be devious enough to hide her and tell the ex that Cat ran away, or even worse, maybe try to switch her with another cat.

Please, please, help me! Do they have a legal claim on her? That can't be possible, right? What can I do to get Cat back?


Now, be honest, after reading this, who would you say Cat/Yuki belongs to?

As a fellow cat lover, I completely sympathize with you. And I even hope you get to keep her, because I can truly imagine your heartache. But I can't agree that you are entitled to Yuki when reading your question completely objectively. I'm sorry.
posted by lioness at 6:03 AM on January 13 [1 favorite]

Well, as long as we're imagining that we now know both sides of the story, my response to the gf's askme would be:

Oh no! Thats horrible that you've lost your cat! Have you tried talking to your ex's former roommates to see if something can be worked out? They seem to have the wrong impression of you, though perhaps you can understand that from their perspective neither they nor the cat has heard from you for the better part of a year. I'd suggest making it clear to them how much you care for the cat, and that it would be well cared for. If that didn't work I'd consider contacting a lawyer and seeing if they're really willing to fight for the cat.


As it is, I don't see any reason to assume the gf will be a good owner, and plenty of reasons to suspect she isn't, especially the months without contact. The ball is in her court to show otherwise, and from the sound of it I think ecs is being open minded about the gf.

I do hope ecs moves the cat somewhere else today for the confrontation with the ex-roomate, though, in case things do get ugly and he calls the police out of a misplaced sense of being wronged. Also, if it should come to that I hope that ecs tells the cops that they can't come in without a warrant.
posted by Reverend John at 8:10 AM on January 14

FFS, so the girlfriend hasn't contacted the OP. She has definitely been in contact with her ex, who was actually supposed to be looking after the cat. While we're hoping, I hope ecs gets over themselves and gives the cat back to it's damn owner, or that they do get the cops called on them and learn about respecting other people's property.
posted by jacalata at 1:35 PM on January 14 [1 favorite]

I don't see why you would suggest ecs 'get over themselves'. They seem to be genuinely concerned about the welfare of the cat and willing to return it to the gf if she does care about it. I don't think its at all unreasonable for them to want her to show some minimal commitment to the cat, especially after their prior experiences with her. Seriously, you want ecs to "learn about respecting other people's property" because they became emotionally attached to a living thing that they were caring for?

They are right to want to keep this cat in the absence of evidence that it will get a good home. Cats are not mere property, and even if they were, the OP has a fairly strong claim that this cat is now their property, after caring for it and sheltering it for as long as they have. If it must come to that let the lawyers sort it out, but they shouldn't just give away their beloved pet without any protest.

If the gf can't be bothered to get a lawyer to write a letter threatening legal action, why should the OP think she won't just leave this cat with another ex and his less caring roomates and go galavanting off again?
posted by Reverend John at 8:34 AM on January 15

Imagine visiting AskMe and reading this post:

Or imagine reading this one:

Dear AskMe:

Am cat. Am well-fed, warm at night, and litter box is clean. Am happy. No question for AskMe really. Uh oh this chatfilter? Sry, don't Metatalk plz.

Yuki
posted by poppo at 9:12 AM on January 15 [5 favorites]

Any updates on what has happened?
posted by agregoli at 12:24 PM on January 24