A bento box of questions about having a baby!

January 6, 2008 8:22 PM

A bento box of questions about having a baby!

Something for everyone! Well, maybe not everyone, but hopefully you.

1. If you are a woman who has had lower back surgery (discectomy, laminectomy, etc.) and had a baby, or who had a herniated disk during pregnancy, or know anyone in this situation, how was it? And did you have problems lifting your child as he/she grew heavier?

2. Did having children make you feel less lonely or more lonely? I'm not talking about day-to-day loneliness, because I know being home with an infant can be isolating. I'm talking about a more general sense of "I am/am not alone in the world." Please rest assured that I am absolutely clear that wanting to feel less alone is not a sufficient reason to have a child! The fact remains that I have pervasive feelings of aloneness (only child, father dead, abandoned by mother as a preteen, etc.) and we may be moving to a new city, so it's an issue for me. I would like to hear your thoughts on these questions:
2a. Does your child him/herself make you feel more/less alone in the world?
2b. Did having a child make it easier or harder to make new friends? (Real friends, not just acquaintances.)
2c. Did having a child bring you closer to other family members?

3. If you had a child and then later divorced/split with the child's other parent, how do you feel about seeing the traits in your child that drove you crazy about your former partner or his/her relatives? (This one doesn't pertain to me personally--just trying to figure out the behavior of one of my in-laws--but as a child of divorce myself I have always kind of wondered about this.)

Thanks for your help!

posted by Enroute to human relations (10 comments total)

I didn't realize how alone I felt until I had a child and realized I was not alone in the world and never would be again. My 5 children are all grown now, and 4 are living in other states, but still I have a connection to others that is a closer bond that I would have ever believed.
I did divorce and the children occasionally note their own traits to their father whom they never see, but I learned not to be blaming or hateful and so those traits don't bother me any more than my sometimes least appealing traits I see in the children. It just reinforces that they are part of me and I am part of them. Luckily, I never had back problems so I can't speak to the rest, but my sister who never had a child is the most alone person I know. If you want children, they can bring a world of love to your life.
posted by knotknitter at 8:38 PM on January 6, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'll answer a couple of those questions.

2b. Did having a child make it easier or harder to make new friends? (Real friends, not just acquaintances.)

Easy to make new friends - - join some new mom classes. You'll find lots of people dying for company, and you'll always have something to talk about. BUT you might find it hard to stay friends with people that don't have young kids - - they won't want to hear about your baby, and you won't be able to do a lot of the stuff they want to do.


2c. Did having a child bring you closer to other family members?

No. Grandparents on both sides were very pushy, lead to tons of friction.
posted by jstruan at 8:56 PM on January 6, 2008

Okay, I don't know about number one. I have two kids, and I have normal, run of the mill backaches, from carrying around a squirming creature that weighs 25 lbs. and kicks. A lot.

Anyway, here's my info, FWIW:
2a. When my first child was born, I instantly felt a bond, and I realized (like knotknitter) that I was no longer alone, and it was wonderful, and that this is what I had always wanted and needed. I wanted to be a mother from the beginning, but the birth made everything clear. When my second child was born, I was eagerly awaiting that same strong feeling to immediately hit me, and it didn't. I had post-partum depression, and I am only now beginning to develop that really strong bond, I think because her personality is beginning to really come out now. My husband was in love at first sight.
2b. Having children really slowed my social life down. It was easier for me to relate to other parents (including my own), but I never had time in the beginning for any sort of social time.
2c. I think both of my children helped with all of my family members. My husband and his brother hadn't spoken in five years, and my brother-in-law and his wife came to our daughter's first birthday party. That was the most dramatic change, but some family members have let go of some of the animosity (as far as I can tell).

3. When my son was five months old, I left his father and he hasn't seen either of us since. There are some parts of my son that are exactly like his father, but it's never bothered me. As far as I'm concerned, my son is my son only, and he's done nothing wrong. His father did a lot wrong, but that shouldn't affect my son's life in any way.

knotknitter's got it right, though. My kids brightened my life, when I didn't even know it was dark.
posted by mitzyjalapeno at 9:08 PM on January 6, 2008

2. This is a tough question. You say you're aware of the day-to-day loneliness/isolation of being stuck at home with an infant and that's not the condition you're referring to, but if you're prone to pervasive feelings of loneliness, some of the changes that a baby brings will exacerbate those. (More below.). However, I agree with others who say that their bond with their children also creates a sense of togetherness and connection that's pretty amazing. Being responsible for raising a child gives one quite a sense of purpose, and purpose does help alleviate the condition of loneliness, in my experience.
2a. My son is only 1, but he's able to make me feel both more lonely and less lonely. Less so because of the fun we share together, and that indescribable bond a parent shares with a child (it sounds so hokey but there are just these moments of connection that make you feel like the most special and important person in the world). Sometimes he makes me feel very lonely, however; for example, there are definite "Daddy days" where he only wants his father, and those are tough on me (I too have loneliness issues).
2b. I haven't made any new superclose friends as a result of having a child, though I have met a few friendly enough moms through Gymboree and similar activities. It has brought me closer to friends I already had who also have children (or who got pregnant after I did). Also, on an unrelated note, if your loneliness is also accompanied by shyness/awkwardness, you'll find your kid is a nice conversation topic/distraction/human shield in social situations.
2c. Having a child has brought me closer to my mom (who has been a great support), a little less close to my dad (who, like half my family, has complete tunnel vision since the baby was born and is on "all grandson, all the time" mode constantly), and quite a bit less close to my inlaws, with whom there's been some tension concerning parenting decisions I've made. In general, I've found that family (and some friends) tend to come around more since the baby was born, but I've become virtually invisible, which is very hard to take.

In spite of any of the negative statements I've made, I will say that my son has brought more joy, meaning and completeness to my life than I ever felt possible, and I truly believe he turned both my life and my husband's around in the best way imaginable. I can only guess that will continue on as he gets older and I get to know him better.
posted by justonegirl at 9:28 PM on January 6, 2008

1. One of my girlfriends who had a pre-existing low back problem saw a chiropractor all through her two pregnancies. She thought that it made a big difference to her long-term back health, although her back was very cranky during the pregnancies. I would definitely consult the practitioner of your choice about this one.

2a. Definitely less lonely. I found that there was no closer relationship in my life than the one that I have with my kids. In the beginning, it's all of this physical closeness that, over the years, gradually turns into a friendship (both of my girls are now teenagers). My oldest daughter is very much like me, and there's something wonderful about helping her navigate challenges that I faced. When the three of us are together, it feels like three close women spending time together - really great. However, I did drift away from friends that decided to remain childless. In the early years, child rearing is so consuming that you'll want to talk about it constantly, and they'll get bored. YMMV, but I think that it takes real effort on both sides to remain close to friends without kids.

2b. I think that it was easier to make friends after having kids, simply because I was thrown together with other Moms through activities all of the time. However, this requires that you get yourself and your child out there and be a "joiner" - join mothers' groups, the PTO, stay and socialize with other parents during your child's activities. You'll find that most other Moms want to get together, too, so it's pretty easy to make new friends if you're willing to be busy.

2c. I became closer with my siblings, and less close to my parents. This was due to the fact that both of my parents had/have unresolved mental health issues, and having kids made me reluctant to expose them to the trauma and turmoil. I think that this was good for me, too, as it propelled me to seek help to cope with my traumatic past, and made a healthier life for my family with them out of the picture. I do think that family events acquire a much different dimension once kids enter the picture. I think that the nature of the difference will depend upon your relationship before kids - every family will be different.

Since kids, my life has acquired meaning and purpose that transcends any work assignment or job that I've had.
posted by Flakypastry at 5:25 AM on January 7, 2008

1. I have herniated discs. I just had my second child in August and opted for a scheduled c-section. My OB, orthopedist, and I together decided this b/c of my age (37) and the position of the problem discs (L3, L4, L5) and severity of herniation.

My best friend chose natural childbirth when she had a disc herniation- this resulted in a full rupture during labor- fyi- she had not coordinated w/ her midwives and orthopedist to address the issue, so I don't know if it could have been avoided or not....

Also, fyi- I was concerned that my preg would aggravate my back problems- but it didn't, in fact, I had some relief perhaps b/c of the changes in pressure on my spine. Like you, however, I am concerned about lifting my son as he gets heavier. I may invest in a back brace.... meanwhile I've been doing yoga for healthy backs. It helps!

2. My children for sure give me very fulfilling companionship. What makes me feel alone and isolated sometimes is the intensity of my concern for their well-being.... Life becomes much scarier when you love these little creatures so desperately...and your friends without children won't get this until they choose to take the plunge.

The friendships I have made since having kids (by being active in my neighborhood and joining a food co-op) have been deep and lasting (so far) but took a little while to nurture and build b/c time becomes constrained when you have babies.

Try to remember that during the first 3 months w/ a newborn, you may be/ feel cooped up a lot- but this will pass!
posted by ohdeanna at 5:40 AM on January 7, 2008

2a. I hadn't really felt alone before giving birth but after my first child I felt more complete. I had always known I wanted children but in an abstract way; the reality of actually seeing my daughter emerge was miraculous and made me feel such a deep connection to all the women who have give birth before in various circumstances around the world. Women around me that were mothers also instantly made connections with me when I was pregnant because I now had something in common with them. I feel childless/free women are really marginalized by women with children.

2b. I have created and sustained friendships with women and men both with and without children but I am closer to the women that have children because we already have so much in common and rely on each other for support much more then women and men without the responsibilty (or understanding of the responsibility) of children. Children have created more and deeper friendships for me for sure. Also, having children allowed me a deeper volunteer commitment in the community with more personal interactions.

2c. I am definately closer to my own family (both nuclear and extended) since having children. The one member of my extended family I am not as close to does not have children (or adult responsibilites as far I can tell, so that may be the real reason we are not close). I am close to my family not just for emotional reasons but practical ones like babysitting. I am not as close to my in-laws because the relationship they want with me and my children is not the same as the very close one I have with my parents (basically requiring more effort from me and less from my in-laws) and quite honestly, I am tired of their judgement and flakiness with time commitments and babysitting.
posted by saucysault at 6:31 AM on January 7, 2008

2. It's very hard for me to say - I was so young when I had my first child (19) that I never went through much of a lonely phase; I've just always had kids. OTOH, you are never so lonely as when you're sitting at home with a toddler while all your friends are out having fun. Also, having conversations only with people under 6 does not companionship make.

2a) I would say that now that my children are (mostly) grown (my daughter is 24, my son is 16) yes, I feel less alone in the world because of them - on some levels. I am close to my kids but sometimes I worry that we're too close - that they need more independence to be totally healthy. They're much closer to me than I was to my own parents at their age. Which may, actually, be healthier.

2b) I moved about 600 miles away from my home town when my daughter was about 3 and I was then very lucky to find a group of friends with kids the same or similar ages. Those friendships have lasted for over 20 years now, changed my life, helped my children enormously, kept me sane, etc., and taught me the truth of the much maligned Hilary Clinton quote - it does, in fact, take a village. But I was tremendously lucky. I don't know many mothers who have been able to find what I did, which is very sad. If I had stayed in my hometown, where I was the only person my age with kids, I doubt I would ever have had so much support or so much of a community to rely on. But if you can find even one woman you love - not like, love - with children the same age as yours you will be golden for many years.

2c) No. Not at all. In fact, it probably hurt in some ways. My family has always been rather distant and they were not amused by my having children so young. That may be why I was so ready and able to make close friends - see 2b above - who essentially replaced my family for many years.

3) Yeah, that's a tough one. My son is so much like his father that it's sometimes terrifying and those are just not supposed to be genetic traits. I deal with it by telling myself, well, okay, that is who he is by nature, but all the nurture you've always given him has to count for something and it's something his father never had. And he isn't his father, he's his own person. Still, it's kind of alarming to hear him echo his father - with whom he has spent very, very little time.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:44 AM on January 7, 2008

I had a terribly herniated disk (L5) -- crumbling and pressing on a nerve -- and had back surgery for it in 2001.

I have a 2-yr old and am due any day now with baby #2. Baby 1 weighed almost 10 lbs! I did prenatal pilates and cat/cow stretches throughout to help keep my back flexible, and swam a lot. I had a hard labor and tried to do it naturally, but ended up with a C-section. I had no problems getting an epidural, which is the usual issue with prior back surgery.

I seemed to have more back pain in the 2nd trimester for some reason, but in general was able to keep it at bay with the pilates/stretches. This baby seems to be pretty big as well (my husband is very tall, and so are these babies), but I haven't had a whole lot of back pain, despite not being able to exercise at all this time around. Now that the baby has dropped I do have some leg pain since she seems to be sitting on my sciatic nerve.

Basically (whether pregnant or not) if I do pilates my back feels just dandy. Once I stop, I can feel myself weakening. I can't wait to get back into it.

Be sure to talk to your doc about epidurals since previous back surgery may interfere.
posted by mdiskin at 7:52 AM on January 7, 2008

2. Did having children make you feel less lonely or more lonely?
2a. Does your child him/herself make you feel more/less alone in the world?

I don't think "alone in the world" is the exact right way to put it. Having a daughter has broadned and deepened what the word love means for me and has changed how I relate to everyone, not just my daughter. When I was feeling alone in the world I thought it meant that I needed more love, but in fact I needed to love more. This is the most important thing I have learned in 10-15 years.

2b. Did having a child make it easier or harder to make new friends? (Real friends, not just acquaintances.)

We had lots of friends and got closer to some and more distanced from others as we and other couples had children. Our daughter is 4 and we still spend less time and significantly less adult time with friends day-in, day-out. On the other hand we now usually vacation with another couple with kids which gives us a very nice way to relate to another couple.

2c. Did having a child bring you closer to other family members?
Yes. It put a lot of my issues with my folks in perspective. There is more tragedy than one would want in my family and having a new baby helped my folks deal with their pasts some.
posted by shothotbot at 12:13 PM on January 7, 2008