What's my name?

January 4, 2008 1:56 PM

Changing my name for marriage: Does FirstName HisLastName MyLast Name make things too complicated?

I'm getting married soon. I'm female and 40 and though I don't particularly love my last name, I've had it for a long time and for both professional and personal connections, I'd like to keep my last name. However, I think there's something nice about adding some acknowledgment of my marriage to my name. My fiance doesn't care much what I do but is flattered that I want to add his name somehow. It also doesn't bother me that I'm the one changing my name; he can keep his name however he likes it. We've already agreed that our future child will take his last name so it's nice for me to be able to share a name with our child as well.

So, mostly because it sounds better, I'd like to change my name to MyFirst HisLast MyLast. No hyphens. Does this make HisLast my new middle name (I do have a middle name already)? Or will I have a two-word last name? How would this name be alphabetized (my HisLast or MyLast)? Has anybody done this and do you have advice for how to manage what could be confusing for some usages/instances? Can I even do this?

posted by otherwordlyglow to grab bag (38 comments total)

I think you can do it however you want. If you make the whole thing you last name, that is fine; if you make it your middle name that is fine. Just be consistent.

I will warn you that my hyphenated last name is alphabetized however people feel like it. You just need to get used to telling people to check both spots.
posted by dame at 2:00 PM on January 4

I am interested in answers to this as well as I want to keep my last name but would love to acknowledge my fiance in some way; I hadn't thought of adding his name before mine.

I think whether you can do it depends on your location. For example, in New York City, where I am, when you apply for the marriage license you must tell them what your new name will be. They state that you can pretty much choose any combination and that both parties can change their names at the same time. So, for example, if you wanted to combine Johnson and Smith you could both change your names to Smonson. I am pretty sure that I didn't see this on the marriage license/application the first time I got married in Arizona, so location may matter for this.
posted by bedhead at 2:02 PM on January 4

If it's not hyphenated, I think people will assume that his last name is your middle name, and will alphabetize you according to your last name. The hyphen is the only way people would know his last name is part of your last name, too, unless they're looking at something that separates your name by first, middle, and last.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 2:04 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

If you do go with "HisLast YourLast" as your full last name, you will probably face minor problems related to having a last name with a space in it.
posted by burnmp3s at 2:05 PM on January 4

That's exactly the way my sister does it: First HisLast HerLast (which, of course, also happens to be MyLast). I think it's a great, elegant solution! This is how it works for her:

She is addressed as Ms. (or Prof.) HerLast. When she publishes professionally, she uses her full name: First HisLast HerLast. Having been known professionally by HerLast for so long was important to her, so that's one of the reasons she wanted to keep HerLast, but she wanted to avoid the hassle of a hyphenated name or a two word surname.

Outside the professional arena, she's frequently addressed as Mrs. HisLast. She doesn't seem to mind. Their children all have HisLast name.

I can ask her for any specific anecdotes or advice she might have for you.
posted by scody at 2:06 PM on January 4 [3 favorites]

In Latin American countries, many people use both their paternal and maternal last names, without a hyphen. It would be alphabetized by the first last name (So Juan Lopez Perez would be alphabetized under Lopez).

I find that in the US, this confuses a lot of people: unhyphenated names get hyphenated anyway, and some people think the 1st last name is your middle name. I don't know how much confusion you are willing to live with in order to not hyphenate your name, but that has been my experience.
posted by DrGirlfriend at 2:07 PM on January 4

A good friend of mine got married recently month and she and her new husband did this. They did it as a two-named last name, no hypens. So she's Otherworldlyglow Middle HisLast HerLast. His last name comes after than hers in the alphabet, per dame's comment. I haven't heard her complaining so far, but then again it's only been a month or so. His new name is Maleotherworldlyglow Middle His Last Her Last. They share the new combined last name.
posted by ml98tu at 2:09 PM on January 4

The answer to all of your questions is: You can do it however you like, but be ready to have some people screw it up. Just about any nontraditional solution will take some explaining to bureaucracies.

I've seen this handled by academics by putting a prominent note on their webpage explaining how they want it handled -- I don't know if this is a possibility for your professional situation. "My name is now Sara Johnson Smith. It should be put in bibliographies as Johnson Smith, two words, alphabetized under J." or however you prefer it be handled.

You could make it Sara Johnson Smith, where you continue to go by Sara Smith for professional purposes, but your driver's license will say Johnson Smith and maybe the kids' schools will know you as Ms. Johnson Smith.

The default for most organizations will be to alphabetize only by the last word, so you will get alphabetized under Smith unless you make a special note at each place. Many people will assume that his last name is Smith, but that's easily enough tolerated/corrected.

Here's one example of a couple who both took both last names, non-hyphenated, as a last name. Nielsen Hayden.
posted by LobsterMitten at 2:11 PM on January 4

I've long decided that if I were to get married I would do what you're thinking of doing - HisLast MyLast with a space. The biggest reason being my career - if someone were to search my full name with just my maiden on the internets, or with just my married name, they would find me.

That, to me, is more important than any minor annoyances with billing or the DMV or otherwise, people consistently mispronounce or misspell both my first and last names, so whatever, it's a minor inconvenience.
posted by pazazygeek at 2:15 PM on January 4

In case it's not clear from the above, you'll need an official document (e.g., marriage license or court name-change document) to ensure that your creditors, local government, etc. will change your middle name (from OriginalMiddleName to HisLastName) on their records.

You'll also use that official document to clear up confusion between the new and old middle names on your credit history and other old records.

Some third parties may change their records voluntarily without formalities.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:15 PM on January 4

Does this make HisLast my new middle name (I do have a middle name already)? Or will I have a two-word last name?

These are questions for you to answer, not us. And do you intend to drop your original middle name? Both of these issues will affect the advice we give you.
posted by JimN2TAW at 2:20 PM on January 4

That's exactly what I did when I got married. I didn't have a middle name, so I took my husband's last name as a middle name. It's never caused a moment of confusion, as far as I know. I like it.

Of course, I don't use my middle name much -- I think it shows up in my e-mail settings and the like, but that's it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:20 PM on January 4

I have a double-barreled last name with a hyphen, which is generally not a problem. However, my legal name doesn't have a hyphen (apparently, they weren't allowed where and when I was born), and pretty much everyone assumes my last name is just the second of my two last names if they read the un-hyphenated form. Maybe that wouldn't matter to you, but it might be worthwhile to consider how most people are going to parse your name and consider the hyphenated form instead.

And good work deciding to give your future child one last name only. I don't mind having two, but I can't imagine saddling a kid with three or four, and then having a grandkid with up to eight last names, and so on. We might as nip that practice in the bud.
posted by ssg at 2:21 PM on January 4

You could just use your husband's name socially, as a middle name or as a last name. Then you don't have to change anything. You could have your business cards say Firstname Hislastname Yourlastname, so that, if a school called your office, they'd be referred to you. One of my past managers told me she did that, because the school called once and forgot she wasn't Mrs. Hislastname. So her cubicle sign and business cards now say Hislastname Herlastname, just so people make the connection. I think she uses the Hisname Hername socially, but she's still legally Hername. That way, she didn't have to change anything.

I'm in Canada, so it may not be the same where you are, but I had the option on my passport to put a name that I use socially. I didn't do that -- I just go by my birth name -- but it might be an option for you.
posted by acoutu at 2:23 PM on January 4

Go with the hyphenated last name. But you will need to be ready to make it an issue of people using the entire name. My wife and I continue to fight this battle and she's had the name for 20+ years.

YMMV
posted by sandpine at 2:24 PM on January 4

I guess the trouble is that I'm unsure whether I want his last name to be read as my middle name or the first part of my last name. I'm leaning toward the former and that I'll do pretty much as scody outlines, using my last name by itself most of the time but then the additional question becomes: Can I have two middle names (MyMiddle His Last)? I don't love my given middle name and would be willing to ditch it if it makes things easier.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:29 PM on January 4

And a hyphen is NOT an option. I'd rather deal with the ambiguity.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 2:30 PM on January 4

I know people who have several middle names. So I think you'd be okay.
posted by acoutu at 2:32 PM on January 4

You can have two middle names. I know some people with two.

As someone noted, in Spain, Portugal, and many Latin American countries, it is very common to have multiple surnames.

I could be C. M. González Maternallastname right now if I wanted to be. Legally here in the US. But I don't use that format. I did very briefly, while in Spain, when it asked for "apellidos" on forms. And C. M. González de FutureHusband'slastname is an option as well if I get married.

Your case seems very similar, and it can work.
posted by cmgonzalez at 2:44 PM on January 4

One of my best friends changed her name from First Middle HerLast to First Middle StepfathersLast HusbandsLast when she got married, and StepfathersLast functions as a second middle name. So it can totally be done.

While you're at it, it's the perfect time to make any other name changes and throw in Danger Adventure Pikachu or whatever if you want even more middle names.
posted by Metroid Baby at 2:55 PM on January 4 [2 favorites]

FWIW, my driver's license says:

Myfirstname mymiddlename mylastname hislastname

No hyphens. My office door says Myfirstname mymiddlename hislastname. My credit cards say myfirstname middleinitial hislastname. The government doesn't have any knowledge of my use of his last name. So, you can do whatever you want. People who look at my drivers license seem to think I have two first names -- if it were "Carrie Ann" like the woman on Dancing with the Stars.
posted by dpx.mfx at 3:13 PM on January 4

Personally based on what info you've given, I think you should drop your current middle name and adopt his last name as your new middle. To me, this seems like the most logical way to keep your first and last the same for professional reasons while still acknowledging his name in the mix.
posted by joshrholloway at 3:52 PM on January 4

I've said this before, but I would definitely recommend against the hyphenated name. If I had to do it all over, I probably would have done what you are thinking, rather than hyphenating it. It's just too unwieldy and long with the hyphen. If you just separate them like your plan, I think it would be a lot easier and less cumbersome to use.
posted by gemmy at 4:07 PM on January 4

I have a friend who didn't change her name when she married. They now have a son whom they've named FirstName no middle name HerLast HisLast, with no hyphen. I'm not sure how they expect the HerLast HisLast to remain as the kid's last name, and not have everyone assume that HerLast is actually his middle name. I see years and years of correcting everyone in their future...
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 4:56 PM on January 4

When John Lennon and Yoko Ono got married, he changed his name to John Ono Lennon and she changed hers to Yoko Ono Lennon.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:02 PM on January 4

Nathanial Hörnblowér: I have a friend who didn't change her name when she married. They now have a son whom they've named FirstName no middle name HerLast HisLast, with no hyphen. I'm not sure how they expect the HerLast HisLast to remain as the kid's last name, and not have everyone assume that HerLast is actually his middle name. I see years and years of correcting everyone in their future...

Here in Quebec women don't change their last name on marriage, and society hasn't fallen to pieces yet. I really think this is less of a big deal than most people accustomed to women changing their names think.
posted by loiseau at 5:21 PM on January 4 [1 favorite]

Has anybody done this and do you have advice for how to manage what could be confusing for some usages/instances?

I quote from a friend, Patrick Nielsen Hayden.

When making plans for married life
Consulting with your future wife
You might encounter the temptation
Of anti-sexist hyphenation.
Think twice before you do this naming:
You'll spend your future life explaining.

In short -- they did it, they're glad they did it, but they still run into problems.
posted by eriko at 5:31 PM on January 4

My wife did this for a while but it was awkward as my last name contains 11 letter and hers 9. She now just uses her last name for most things. It fits into things like forms much more readily.
posted by tommasz at 5:33 PM on January 4

Congratulations!

I don't see why you can't have two middle names if you don't want to lose the one you already have. I think the FirstName HisLastName YourLastName works just fine if that's what you want.

However, when you start changing your name on credit cards, driver's licenses etc., you may run into issues. Be very clear on what you want your name to be when you talk to these places. I hyphenated my name, and I got a call from my credit card company saying "your name doesn't fit - what should we do?"

I also discovered when I went to get my passport that my drivers license (that I'd had for two years) had my name completely screwed up. According to my drivers license, my name was HisLastName MyFirstInitial MyLastName MyMiddleName. My health card had MyFirstName MyMiddleInitial HyphenatedName as my entire name doesn't fit on the card. (I go by my middle name so having it on documents is kinda important.) So they wouldn't give me my passport as none of my IDs matched. I sorted it out but it was quite a production. Someone tried to tell me to get my birth certificate name changed to my married name, which just seemed ridiculous to me.

You may spend some time explaining what your name is, but honestly some people are going to call you Mr and Mrs HisLastName no matter what you tell them. As long as you can fit your name into signature blocks and forms, call yourself whatever you want.
posted by melissa at 6:22 PM on January 4

My name is MyName Mother'sFirstName Father'sFirstName which I find is a rather unusual solution to this problem. My mother however took my father's last name so I don't share a surname with either of my parents. This was never an issue in India but I imagine such an arrangement might cause some problems here. I've always thought it was a rather elegant solution to the problem since it eliminates the whole concept of family names altogether.
posted by peacheater at 6:39 PM on January 4

I think it sounds cool, especially if you change your mind on the hyphen. It sounds all British and whatnot. I tried to talk my wife into it, but she is all old fashioned.

I just loved the thought of people saying things like, "We're having dinner at the Hawksworth-Featherington's tonight.

But our real names aren't quite that cool, and we cook a lot of food in the microwave.
posted by 4ster at 7:07 PM on January 4 [4 favorites]

In some/many U.S. states, your legal name is whatever you choose to go by, provided that you don't go by more than one and provided that you're not doing it for fraudulent purposes. Registering the change of name with the state is just for their information.

That said, how much trouble are you willing to ask for? Most people/agencies/organizations seem quite unprepared to deal with more than one middle name (and some are only prepared to deal with one letter of it). Hyphens and spaces and prefixes will always be screwed up by someone or other. Even plain old length causes grief, as mentioned in the "huge name" post linked above: Some ill-bred computer applications, official forms, etc., are unprepared for a total name length over N characters (often 20, sometimes as little as 15 if you can believe it). You have a legal right to be named Kostyantyna Aleksandra-Mariya Serafymivna Krokhmalenko von Merkwürdigeliebe y Cabeza de Vaca, but nobody's ever going to get it right, and within a year there'll be enough 'discrepancies' on your civil and financial records to haul you off to Gitmo and waterboard you. Replacing your current middle name with his last name sounds least likely to cause difficulty. Except for the length.

(I mean, I have length issues, and I'm not even Latino. Because of first/last name collisions in college, I started using my middle name to disambiguate. I like my middle namesake and I'd rather use the whole name than an initial. But my first and last are already 15 letters and one space, and the middle adds 5 more letters and another space for a total of 22 characters. Even settling for the initial, I have to add one letter, a period, and a space, total 19. So I have to use different names in different places, depending on the arbitrary limit hardcoded by some lazy slob who doubtless is named Sam Smith and doesn't see what the big deal is.)
posted by eritain at 7:35 PM on January 4

I don't think there's much of a problem with length. My first name (6) + his last name (5) + my last name (6) brings me up to 17 letters which seems pretty reasonable to me. After all these very helpful comments, I'm pretty sure I'll ditch my given middle name.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 7:53 PM on January 4

I don't see a problem with taking your husband's last name as your middle name. When I got married, I turned my maiden name to my middle name, brushing "Anne" to the side (though sometimes, when I'm feeling dramatic, I'll write out FirstName Anne ConfirmationName MaidenName LastName)

I'd also advise against hyphenating, but I'm biased because I would've had a 21 character last name, including the hyphen.
posted by Lucinda at 8:32 PM on January 4

Nathanial Hörnblowér: I have a friend who didn't change her name when she married. They now have a son whom they've named FirstName no middle name HerLast HisLast, with no hyphen. I'm not sure how they expect the HerLast HisLast to remain as the kid's last name, and not have everyone assume that HerLast is actually his middle name. I see years and years of correcting everyone in their future...

Here in Quebec women don't change their last name on marriage, and society hasn't fallen to pieces yet. I really think this is less of a big deal than most people accustomed to women changing their names think.

I completely agree - women not changing their last names is not a big deal. My point was about my friend's son, and how despite their best efforts to give him two (un-hyphenated) last names and no middle name, most people will assume that his first last name is actually his middle name, and he'll be called by his second last name.
posted by Nathanial Hörnblowér at 8:40 PM on January 4

I changed my name to this configuration when I married, our children have his last name.

JujuB MyMaidenName HisLastName. Our first born son's name is Son MyMaidenName HisLastName.
posted by JujuB at 9:53 PM on January 4

I would say hyphenate it, for the simple reason that, otherwise, people will either (a) assume the first part is a middle name, (b) assume it's hyphenated. Making your name easy-to-use may seem like a cop-out but imagine years of medical records, financial records, passports et cetera that cause problems.

And remember, junk mail will always get it wrong.
posted by sarahkeebs at 12:18 PM on January 5

One important note - states have different regulations on this issue. For example, in New York, you wouldn't be allowed to take on your husband's last name as your middle name (I had the same idea, so I had to check). So in New York, your options would be
* the surname of the other spouse;
* any former surname of either spouse;
* a name combining into a single surname all or a segment of the premarriage surname or any former surname of each spouse;
* a combination name separated by a hyphen, provided that each part of such combination surname is the premarriage surname, or any former surname, of each of the spouses.

More here for New York: http://www.health.state.ny.us/vital_records/married.htm

The point is - check with your local authority before making a decision. You could take on a first name/middle name/last name of your choice, of course, if you went through the legal process of changing your name. But changing your name in the course of getting married may give you limited options.
posted by barmaljova at 1:59 PM on January 11