Face to face with the one-eyed monster.

January 3, 2008 8:44 PM

Please help a usually sex-positive girl come to terms with the realities of male masturbation. TMI inside.

Sorry for the long and perhaps gross question. My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, often sleep at each other's apartments and are planning to move in together soon. A few days ago, while we were waking up in the moring, he masturbated in front of me for the first time.

I have no problem with masturbation; I masturbate regularly and expect him to do the same. But I was kind of shocked by this experience. For one thing, I was really caught off guard by his decision to do this in front of me, without even asking if it was ok. Is it normal for couples to masturbate in front of each other when they live together? I don't want to restrict his sexual activities, and I know he needs an outlet for times when I'm not in the mood, but it just seemed weird and uncomfortable for me to be present for his "private time." How do you handle this in your relationship?

Also, to be honest, I was amazed by the sheer speed and violence of the act. It took maybe 30 seconds. Is that standard? As a girl, I can't imagine anything so fast being satisfying, but I realize that might be a gender difference.

Plese help a girl understand a new situation!

posted by anonymous to human relations (41 comments total)

This will be a long thread...

I would suggest you talk to him about this... what does it mean to him, what was he considering/thinking when that occurred, and, tell him how you feel.

Your communication with him is more important than our advice or opinions...

and, yes, there are gender differences....

there's a middle ground, you two just need to find it together..
posted by HuronBob at 8:56 PM on January 3, 2008

To answer your second question first, there is no "standard" for masturbation, be it male or female. There *are* suggestions that men try to avoid actual violence so that intercourse is more enjoyable, but for the most part if he isn't hurting himself, he should be fine.

As to the first, masturbation within an existing sexual relationship often ceases to be 'private'. Many men and women love to masturbate for their partners, with delightful results for both the exhibitionist and the voyeuristic thrills.

The key is that you're engaged in a sexual relationship, and masturbation is part of your sexuality. He should definitely have asked you first, and masturbation (either mutually engaged or just one of you) should be a topic of discussion just like any other sex topic.

But it is normal, and indeed enjoyed by a great many people.
posted by whycurious at 8:59 PM on January 3, 2008

OMG, this seems so normal it's hard to imagine it otherwise. There's nothing wrong with him, and nothing wrong with you. Just talk to him.
posted by tristeza at 9:00 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

IAAM, but not your masturbator, and this should not be construed as masturbatory advice.

1. I think his behavior is pretty unusual. Most men do this in private and rarely talk about it. (Or so I believe, having rarely talked about it.) It could mean that he's simply more at peace with his instincts, but it is sounds like this was a little in-your-face (not literally, one hopes).

2. 30 seconds is not standard, but it is hardly unprecedented. It depends on a lot of things about which one rarely speaks. See #1 and perhaps #3.

3. It isn't clear whether you observed him while he was having a go, or whether you was looking at you. It may suggest an exhibitionist streak. Or he may have been intending to demonstrate how raring to go he was, and perhaps that you were the object of his fantasies.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 9:00 PM on January 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

my boyfriend and i frequently enjoy our, uh, 'private time' with each other, as a build up to or instead of sex itself and I've always found it pretty hot. There's something about the whole 'look, but don't touch!" thing that turns me on. He also tends to jerk off when he wakes up early in the morning and he knows he has no chance of getting me all hot and bothered... He's much more slow when I'm watching than when I'm half-asleep on the other side of the bed or when he's alone-it's much more quick and violent. According to him, the quick n' dirty sessions feel entirely different than sex sex. More about just rubbing one out as quick as you can so you can just get on with your day.

I'd suggest just talking to him about it, in a playful way... sex is weird and silly and gross. If you're really uncomfortable with being around when he's masturbating, let him know... but also, try to just have fun with it first, or see as a chance to learn how he likes things himself.
posted by kerfuffled at 9:00 PM on January 3, 2008

I'm curious -- did he know you were awake? Was he overtly "performing" for you, or was it more like a bodily function he just happened to be performing in front of you?

If it was not okay with you, you obviously have an issue to address. Either way, it sounds like talking to him is the only way to a) find out what his thought process is/was, and b) lay out boundaries and expectations as to how you will proceed in the future.
posted by mynameisluka at 9:04 PM on January 3, 2008

I guess it's all in how you think about it. Masturbation is only a "private time" activity if you decide to relegate it to that. Both men and women absolutely can and do masturbate with their partners present; sometimes partners help out a little bit, too! Rather than thinking of it as a substitute for the "real thing", it might be better to think of masturbation as filling a separate need of your partner's. You're shocked at the speed of it; perhaps in that moment what he wanted was something quick rather than something more drawn out the way you expect. I'd recommend embracing your partner's sexuality in all its forms. If you can't, you'll have to tell him to that you consider masturbation a "private time" activity.
posted by Hildegarde at 9:08 PM on January 3, 2008

I used to be able to rub one out in 30 seconds right I discovered it and was worried about my mom wondering why I'm in the bathroom so long. It is more satisfying to take your time jerking it, but here's the thing about the male orgasm: There are emotional aspects, but it a big part is pretty mechanical so beating for x strokes will get you off and whether you do that in 30 seconds or 30 minutes the result is the same.

Why he did it in front of you out of the blue like that is something you'll only find out from him. I've never just done that unannounced like that. It doesn't happen a lot but when we get off it is usually a mutual thing. Again, communication is the key.
posted by birdherder at 9:08 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

"Normal" differs from person to person, but guys tend to need less time (and care) than girls. It may be that he was as uncomfortable as you were, or perhaps put off by your reaction.

You should talk to him, especially since you will be moving in together soon. Maybe he was "testing the waters", to see how you'd react? Did he know you were even awake? Talk to him, every relationship is different.

On preview: what everyone else said. :)
posted by wsp at 9:09 PM on January 3, 2008

If he's doing it in front of you, it's involves you just as much as regular missionary position sex. So if it isn't pleasurable for you—that is, you're not getting any pleasure from either your own voyeurism or from indulging his mild exhibitionism—then you should just tell him you don't like it. It's not a terribly big deal.

As for your other question: 30 seconds is a bit on the fast side.
posted by Weebot at 9:10 PM on January 3, 2008

He rubbed one out in thirty seconds, while the two of you were waking up? And it seemed kind of violent? I'm wondering if he was waking up from a sexual dream, and his body was already in the vinegar strokes before he was even fully conscious. Happens to the best of us, male and female.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 9:25 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

(I'm female.)

I've always masturbated in front of long term partners. I've never talked about it much, and it's really not something I think about much, since all of my long term partners have also masturbated in front of me. I don't really consider it to be "too private" for someone I have partner sex with, but then I think partner sex is pretty gross and icky and way more boundary pushing than masturbation... Being cuddled during is also a nice bonus, even (sometimes especially) non-sexual cuddling.

The speed thing... definitely not a gender difference, more of a personal difference. Short and sweet can totally be as satisfying imho, if that's what I'm in the mood for. He probably also had a really nice dream right before he woke up, so it wasn't even totally without lead up, it was just most of the lead up was while he was asleep, so you missed it.
posted by anaelith at 9:27 PM on January 3, 2008

I'm male.. I personally would be somewhat surprised if a guy I was with just whipped it out and started going--but I'd probably construe it as an invitation. YMMV.

However, since you were both just waking up.. I'm willing to bet he was just rubbing a quick one out before starting the day. I don't know what it's like for women, not being one, but sometimes for guys masturbation is just sort of a pressure release, like bleeding off the valve on your radiator. Sure it feels nice and all, but it's not so much about sexual pleasure as it is about a quick release. Think of it as a genital sneeze, as opposed to an orgasm.

As for how to deal with it.. there really isn't much to deal with. I'd just leave it alone, but let him know sometime that you'd love to watch him (if, indeed that is the case). Just don't make the mistake of letting him think that you want to control and/or be part of the proceedings every time he masturbates.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 9:42 PM on January 3, 2008 [7 favorites]

OMG, this seems so UN-normal it's hard to imagine it. There's probably nothing wrong with him, and probably nothing wrong with you. Just talk to him.
posted by davidmsc at 9:49 PM on January 3, 2008

To answer the easy one first - 30 seconds is not "standard," there is no standard, but most guys (particularly when they're young) can probably ejaculate in less than a minute if they concentrate exclusively on coming, and go fast. 30 seconds I'd call pretty fast by anyone's standards. It's possible he was especially excited by doing it in front of you. As far as the "violence" goes, you know, some guys seem to really like to, uh, bear down, I think. Get aggressive. But again, there is no standard. I wouldn't read too much into these particulars.

Masturbating in front of your partner is not weird: sudden, unexpected ambush masturbation when you haven't been asked/warned and aren't expecting it I'd call pretty weird. I mean, I've never done it. I've only ever heard of one other person doing it (from a former girlfriend, discussing what I'd have to call a disastrous date with a different ex. She was not thrilled). I'd feel safe saying this is not commonplace.

I guess there's a slim possibility (though it's an attitude I've never come across applied to masturbation) that this is one of those things like people who think it's okay to shit with the bathroom door open (as an unrelated aside, these people are wrong), but I'd hazard a guess that this was in fact an intentional sex act directed at you on his part. Masturbating in front of your partner is a sexual act. When you have a person performing a sexual act that another person involved isn't expecting, which makes them feel uncomfortable, you have a problem. At a minimum you have to call it a communication breakdown.

You do need to talk about it, and express at a minimum that you weren't expecting it and that you felt uncomfortable. Mentioning that he seemed super super quick is probably not recommended. As non-judgmental an attitude as possible will probably ease what is likely to be an uncomfortable conversation. See what he has to say about his motivations. But unless you're looking for repeat performances you're going to have to make it clear that you were not into that scene. Which is fair: being sex-positive is great, but everybody's got a right to have boundaries.

Finally, please don't call it "the one-eyed monster" any more. Ick.
posted by nanojath at 9:51 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite]

Did he say "That coulda been in ya girl, but you chose otherwise..."?

30 seconds...uhm...damn...I guess I have much to learn. I do think it was odd that he did it in front of you with no warning, having never done it in front of you before. Not dealbreaking weird, but odd nonetheless.
posted by cashman at 10:01 PM on January 3, 2008

The clip I was referring to.
posted by cashman at 10:02 PM on January 3, 2008

As a girl, I can't imagine anything so fast being satisfying, but I realize that might be a gender difference.

Men don't always masturbate for pleasure or satisfaction. Relief can be a big motivator too. The different in the hormonal / chemical state before and after ejaculation, even over the course of 30 seconds, is absolutely vast for many men.. to the point of having radically different thought processes either side of the event.
posted by wackybrit at 10:04 PM on January 3, 2008 [3 favorites]

"Violent" is a hyperbolic word to use in this context. Unless he was actively drawing blood from himself or threatening you with a hammer during, most likely it just looked rough to you. (Frankly, it always looks to me like guys are going to pull their dick off.)

So don't worry, and talk to him, mainly about why he did it in front of you and why it made you uncomfortable. Maybe he doesn't want that activity to just be "private time."
posted by sfkiddo at 10:10 PM on January 3, 2008

I think it's just random morning raging woody. Guy's (at least me...) will on occasion just wake up with a *rageing* woody.... Toss and turn, have to go pee, can't pee with a woody, 30 seconds to get over it... don't want to try to get the GF all hot and bothered for a 30 second thing.... Jerk it out and get on with the day.

Be glad that he didn't wake you up, feel you up, stick it in and grunt a few times before rolling over and going back to sleep. Really like the sneeze metaphor.
posted by zengargoyle at 10:12 PM on January 3, 2008

Your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he is doing something that you find uncomfortable. You need to talk to him about that and figure out why you find it uncomfortable and whether you want it to stop and how that might affect your relationship.

All your questions about standards can be boiled down to this question for you: "Are your breasts the standard size for women?" Even if there is a standard, there's nothing wrong with being outside that standard.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:07 PM on January 3, 2008

Men don't always masturbate for pleasure or satisfaction. Relief can be a big motivator too. The different in the hormonal / chemical state before and after ejaculation, even over the course of 30 seconds, is absolutely vast for many men.. to the point of having radically different thought processes either side of the event

I think this is important for you to understand. The guy was probably just wanting to get on with his day without baby batter fucking with his thought processes. 30 seconds wouldn't be much fun but if the goal is just to get it over with so you don't have to think about it any more...

It took me far too long to realize that when I was thinking about doing some stupid shit I should rub one out and see if I still thought the stupid shit was a good idea. Most times, I didn't. Hell, I wish I could get it over with in 30 seconds in the morning but it doesn't work that way for me. I also wonder if women are the same with regard to the "hey, that stupid shit I was strongly considering doing about 60 seconds ago is clearly and obviously a BAD IDEA."

Or he could have a fetish about ambush masturbation, I guess. You could ask him and find out the answer. That might work.
posted by Justinian at 11:25 PM on January 3, 2008

At the risk of redundancy with previous answers, "normal" is pretty much what makes you feel respected, happy, and satisfied. Think of "normal" as a constantly negotiated and shifting target, rather than as a fixed reference point. If you like him jerking off in front of you, but didn't like that he didn't ask, tell him. If you want something other than that, tell him that, too.

I am a man, but I can probably tell you a lot more about what is common with female sexuality than with the male variety, because I only know what I do, and not what other guys do. That caveat aside, I think you should treat his morning surprise as the opening of a needed discussion, rather than as an problem. He was trying to tell you something, and you need to figure out what that was. Was he letting you know that he is really sexually frustrated, to the point of needing to jerk off in the morning? Was he making an initial attempt to spice up your sex life? Was he letting you know that he now feels 100% comfortable with you, to the point of being willing to expose himself at his most vulnerable? Something else? You will need to ask him, not us, to figure that out, and it will probably take lots of conversations over several months, but I think it will be a positive development in your relationship.

How do you handle this in your relationship?

Like I said, it's always a negotiated process. In my current relationship, my partner really likes sleep sex, and wants to be woken up by the doing, not the asking; she would be upset if I chose to jerk off instead of including her in the morning. My previous relationships have all been different one from the other; I honestly can't say that there was any clear pattern to this.

It took maybe 30 seconds. Is that standard?

I can remember going from zero to sixty in less time than that when I was a teenager. This is where the cliché "different strokes for different folks" comes in -- there are times and places where a man might want to just come as efficiently as possible, and there are other times and places where dragging out the process for as long as possible is what one wants. But remember that women have at least as much variation -- one girlfriend masturbated by touching herself very lightly and indirectly through one or more layers of cloth; another would use such strong direct stimulation that it made me wince and cross my legs from across the room. And not all women like it long and slow, either, any more than men do.
posted by Forktine at 11:34 PM on January 3, 2008

MetaFilter: a fetish about ambush masturbation?

All sounded pretty normal to me. One can safely be much more "violent" with oneself than another person could. If you tried to emulate the speed/violence of his action, you'd probably hurt him. :)
posted by rokusan at 11:34 PM on January 3, 2008

The next time after he does it, ask him to do it again
posted by hortense at 11:58 PM on January 3, 2008 [2 favorites]

I think everyones pretty much got it covered here:

1.) "normal" differs from person to person, relationship to relationship

2.) 30 seconds might seem fast to you, but its totally in the realm of possibility for males if its a situation (as others have brought up) where you just need to "rub one out"

3.) "violent" ????.. it probably just seemed violent to you (unless he was smashing his penis with a hammer or something odd)

Best thing to do would be to talk to him about it (in a relaxing and caring way)... it was probably nothing, but look at it this way: If you talk to him about it, and deepen your understanding of each others habits, then the outcome (no pun intended) most likely is a better relationship.
posted by jmnugent at 12:38 AM on January 4, 2008

So you think it took 30 seconds.

I reckon he probably woke up, realised yet again that he had a hardon and that you're hot, and decided that you deserved to stay asleep. You woke up when the jiggling got a bit intense, at which point he thought to himself "to hell with it, I'm not stopping, and maybe she'll join in", and so you got the last 30 seconds.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 12:40 AM on January 4, 2008

Your boyfriend isn't doing anything wrong, but he is doing something that you find uncomfortable. You need to talk to him about that and figure out why you find it uncomfortable and whether you want it to stop and how that might affect your relationship.

Woody Allen (I said "Woody") used to say that he enjoyed masturbation because it was "sex with someone I love."

You might be uncomfortable with it, but maybe it's because you're not familar with the habits of men. Men masturbate. Healthy men, I mean. We do when we're single, we do it when we're in relationships, because we've been doing it all of our lives. It's sex with someone we love. You should be flattered that your boyfriend admits and shares his "other" sex-life with you.

You don't need to talk about it. Always with the talking. It's sex - just enjoy!
posted by three blind mice at 4:25 AM on January 4, 2008

I guess I'll also add that even mutual masturbation can be and is a generally respected form of sexual expression among same-sex couples - so our outlook tends to be a little different from a heterosexual relationship, which by design has a few more options. But you and he don't have to limit yourself from this even though it might seem like an extremely personal experience. In fact, you might find that if you take the time to observe him and how he touches himself, you will learn a lot about what makes him tick. And vice-versa.
posted by greekphilosophy at 5:56 AM on January 4, 2008

Everyone has a different perception of what is normal, but in my world it is normal for partners to masturbate in front of each other, and partners should not have to ask permission from one another to masturbate. It is common for men to wake with an erection and to desire a quick-release orgasm without the commitment of love-making. It is usual for men to be able to reach orgasm more quickly than women, and for their orgasms to be more about instant gratification rather than a huge explosion of pleasure.

Try and understand that none of this means your partner doesn't love you, or that you shouldn't live together, or that your sex life might be in question. Also try not to give your partner a hang-up over this. In my opinion it would be healthy for you both to masturbate together, and separately, in front of each other and privately, as well as dedicating time to making love.
posted by skylar at 5:56 AM on January 4, 2008

think partner sex is pretty gross and icky and way more boundary pushing than masturbation.
What the hell is partner sex? Is that just sex?
posted by bonaldi at 6:05 AM on January 4, 2008

Masturbation is just sex. "Partner sex" is sex for two. "Threesome sex" is sex for three. "Orgy sex" is sex for four+. OK, kidding--when I was editing my post I saw a need for clarification between "sexual stimulation with someone else present" and "sexual stimulation caused by someone else", although obviously it didn't work out. (Either that, or everything is going to be willfully misinterpreted, no matter what I post, so I may as well pick the most humorous terms and squeeze every last ounce of enjoyment out of it.)
posted by anaelith at 6:24 AM on January 4, 2008

By the way, did you by any chance turn him down for sex that morning, or the evening before? Maybe it was demonstration on about he was feeling about that.
posted by poppo at 7:12 AM on January 4, 2008

I'd say 30 seconds sounds pretty accurate.

...
posted by kbanas at 7:44 AM on January 4, 2008

I think this is a very good AskMe question. I can understand your confusion -- after all, you probably thought to yourself, I'm right here, why doesn't he want me? But I think the men in this thread have answered that honestly and interestingly.

And hooray for three blind mice!
Always with the talking. It's sex - just enjoy!
posted by thinkpiece at 8:22 AM on January 4, 2008

You mention that y'all will be moving in together soon. That means that keeping things "private" from each other is about to get a lot more difficult. You both masturbate, you're both accustomed to hiding it, but neither of you is going to be able to hide it much longer without a whole lot of sneaking around.

I half-suspect he may have been trying to start a conversation on the subject. But even if he wasn't, you may as well take it as an opportunity to have the damn conversation. The time will come soon enough when he's asleep and you need to take care of some business, and you'll be glad to know what his preferences are.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:44 AM on January 4, 2008

I'm a woman, who lives with a man. This has never happened in quite this way, though I've "caught" him in the shower or other times where I've been present and available. It took me awhile to understand, but I get it now that it's just a release thing for him, and that if he is genuinely aroused, he vastly prefers sex with me. If this is about you feeling undesired, trust me that you don't really WANT to have sex with him if all he wants is the release. I wouldn't bring this up with him at all unless it becomes a frequent habit.
posted by desjardins at 9:07 AM on January 4, 2008

30 seconds!! I am thoroughly impressed! At that end of the scale I average 2 minutes. Maybe a minute and 30 on rare (perhaps sole) occasion. (I'm female btw) ...30 second huh? I never thought to imagine such a thing!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 10:36 AM on January 4, 2008

My partner and I are both male, have been together for 13 years and neither of us would DREAM about JO'ing in each other's presence any more than we'd think of taking a dump with the bathroom door open. Same thing with all my past boyfriends. Do straight people really do this? Ewww.
posted by ethnomethodologist at 7:12 PM on January 4, 2008

My partner and I are both male, have been together for 13 years and neither of us would DREAM about JO'ing in each other's presence any more than we'd think of taking a dump with the bathroom door open. Same thing with all my past boyfriends. Do straight people really do this? Ewww.

Not all of them! I've done it or seen it done by a partner only as a foreplay/postsex thing. And never ever take a dump with the door open.
posted by herbaliser at 12:14 PM on January 7, 2008

Do straight people really do this? Ewww.

Some, sure. Just as some gay people do this.

I think I've probably masturbated in front of, or been masturbated in front of by, about half my partners. And about half of my partners have been male (as am I).

And I always shit behind closed doors.
posted by Netzapper at 1:20 PM on April 2, 2008