what to do

January 2, 2008 2:15 AM

what do i do?

so this is the story...he is the complete opposite of what is expected of me to be seeing. about me..i have a job and graduated from college. about him..college dropout, unemployed, likes to drink everyday. he also cheated on me with his ex two weeks after we had made it official. then i told him i just wanted to see other guys while still seeing him. we are in sometype of open relationship. i don't think it's working out for me. i thought it would be best but i really havent seen anyone since we decided on this and i don't want to see him with anyone but me. also i'm not sure if i see him because i'm bored or lonely. i worry about him and think about him all the time. and i want the best for him. i'm away from him for half a day and i can't stop thinking about him. and i go nuts when i can't reach him or he doesn't pick up his phone. would someone please give me some advice on what to do with myself or comment on what i'm doing here.

posted by turkishLola to human relations (15 comments total)

Hrmm. Well, immediately I see the problem to be that you (based on your posting history) say you are married? Apparently this is not your "husband"?
posted by Mookbear at 2:35 AM on January 2, 2008

This is not a healthy relationship and you should stop seeing him. Once you stop seeing him you should figure out why you put up his bullshit. Then you should fix that and move on.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 2:36 AM on January 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

seriously. DTMFA.
posted by phredgreen at 2:37 AM on January 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Um, I thought you were married.

So let's see. You have a lazy boyfriend who drinks every day and has cheated on you. You converted your relationship into an open one which means that he is now free to see other women and while you have the same right you don't use it because you want to be exclusive. Why don't you tell him as nicely as you can to stop seeing other women and stop drinking every day or you'll leave him. You might also suggest that he get a job but don't threaten to leave him over that unless there is something more to that story such as you having told him repeatedly that it's important for you that he does so or something similar. The relationship is obviously not working for you.

Sure, you were the one who said that you wanted to see other people which can make it hard to be the one to revert the decision but a relationship is supposed to be based on mutual respect and understanding and it doesn't seem like he's respecting you a hell of a lot or understanding where you're coming from. The understanding part might be because you don't communicate which is why it is very important that you tell him how you feel.
posted by sveskemus at 2:38 AM on January 2, 2008

You picked the wrong guy. Maybe you wanted to "save" him? Won't work. Move on.
posted by flabdablet at 3:51 AM on January 2, 2008

It sounds to me that you believe you need to be in a relationship with someone for your life to be valid and purposeful, to the point where you're extremely anxious about it. Changing him isn't really an option, it's a fantasy. He clearly doesn't want to be with you the way you want him to, but he wants to keep having sex with you, and as long as you continue to have sex with him, he has no reason to change his attitude.

So you have two options: (1) find someone better for you than this guy, ie someone you don't have to worry about; (2) learn to live a valid and purposeful life, defining your worth by something other than being with a man. Both options would necessarily involve thinking of yourself as worthy of someone better than him; and also, changing your assessment of what kind of man is and is not good for you.

It would be a good idea to dump this guy, and any time you find yourself wanting to call him, distract yourself by doing something else. Call a friend. Watch a totally non-romantic movie. Go work out. Play a computer game. Read a book. Play with your cat. Anything else. If you can't, don't beat yourself up over it, firmly decide to replace him.

Without further info I'm basing this on inference, but I would guess that your current pattern is making you extremely vulnerable to "players", ie attractive but basically worthless men who only want sex, and what makes this a bad thing for you in particular is that you seem to become immediately, strongly emotionally attached to men you have sex with. So I suggest a new pattern for you to try: get to know a man well and become friends with him (ie, decide if he's worth getting emotionally attached to) before you jump into bed with him. Pick a reasonable number of dates (I think five) before making any definite decisions.

If you decide at the end of date #2, tell the guy "I have a new rule, I'm going to wait until our fifth date to decide if I'm going to sleep with you or not, because I'm tired of dating losers. Is that OK?" He will say yes, naturally enough. Make the third date soon - a few days, or at most a week away. If the third date goes well, drop the loser you're currently seeing, and go with the distraction plan above until you see the new guy again. After the fourth date, do not sleep with him. If you really, really want to, make out with him, but if it gets too late for him to go home, let him sleep on your couch. It's a test: you need to re-learn to be comfortable with the idea that you are allowed to test men, and that they want to pass your tests.

Don't worry about who you're "expected" to be seeing. What matters is that he is physically attractive to you, kind, and a decent, responsible person. If you're not meeting many of that kind of man, change your social life a bit - go to clubs in a different part of town, take up a sport or a hobby or a night class that appeals to you. Go to popular movies, bring a friend of your own, start a conversation after the movie with a largish (about six) group of men and women who seem to be friends. After movies, commonly people are waiting around in the lobby for friends in the toilet, smoking, making phone calls etc. Front up and talk to some of these people. Just say "Hi. How'd you like the movie?" If they seem like nice people and talk about going for a coffee, ask if you and your friend can join them, and do it, by which I mean, participate in the conversation. If you got along, exchange numbers with the people you liked as people. Remember that the aim of the exercise is to expand your social circle and make more friends and meet decent men, not to just get yourself laid by some other jerk. (Make sure your friend is aware of the plan and willing to go along with it. Ideally, she's single and looking for a non-jerk herself.)

Good luck.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 4:22 AM on January 2, 2008 [2 favorites has favorites]

also i'm not sure if i see him because i'm bored or lonely

This seems worrying to me. Do you not find your job enjoyable? Are there any people there who you might find of interest? Do you have any other friends that you can hang out with?

i'm away from him for half a day and i can't stop thinking about him. and i go nuts when i can't reach him or he doesn't pick up his phone

It sounds like you are obsessed with this guy, and he knowing this, is probably taking advantage of you. Sure, it's nice to hope for the best for him, but not at your own demise (if he is making you that unhappy). Go out, have some fun, buy some new clothes or something... anything to keep you from thinking about him.
posted by hadjiboy at 5:06 AM on January 2, 2008

dump him, then go see a shrink to explore other deep seated personal demons
posted by Salvatorparadise at 6:36 AM on January 2, 2008

he is the complete opposite of what is expected of me to be seeing

Unless there's a grammar smash-up there, I think that sentence alone qualifies yours as a serious problem. Who sets these expectations??
posted by rokusan at 7:17 AM on January 2, 2008

You are not in "some kind of open relationship". What you are in is NO kind of relationship.

An open relationship is the result of communication, trust, and requires clear, mutually agreed-upon terms. I'm in one, actually, so you can understand why it rubs me the wrong way when people use the term to describe a relationship that is actually handicapped by other factors.

I don't know how old you two are, but it doesn't sound like either of you are prepared for a serious relationship. Find someone else to date who will at least answer the phone when you call and who isn't likely to pass you other people's diseases when you finally get to have the sex you've conditioned yourself to feel so grateful for.
posted by hermitosis at 7:27 AM on January 2, 2008

DTMFA, get a shrink.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 7:52 AM on January 2, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Expanding on what DNAB said: if this man, who you think isn't good for you, cheats on you and drinks too much, is STILL the entire focal point of your day, to the point where you can't go through an hour without wanting to call him, the relationship is just the tip of the iceberg. Something is seriously wrong in your life. You need to find some outside interests and gain some self respect so you can dump him without going nuts, and you need a psychiatrist to help you pull yourself up out of this hole.

Also, if you are married and seeing this guy, address the problem in your marriage first. Hooking up with this guy was just a way for you to avoid dealing with the real problem.
posted by misha at 9:38 AM on January 2, 2008

i worry about him and think about him all the time

This relationship is probably not "the one". Still, it may break your heart and teach you that you have to protect yourself when you fall in love. It's hard but it sounds like this is unhealthy and has a good chance to end badly. Look out for yourself.
posted by MiffyCLB at 9:49 AM on January 2, 2008

Break up with him and date other people.
If you are married, break up with the boyfriend and have a long, open talk with your husband about the relationship, so you can decide if you're gonna stay married.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 6:49 PM on January 2, 2008

You sound codependent. If you aren't familiar, read up on what that means and ask yourself why you are willing to be treated in a way that isn't loving or fair, and try to get to the root of that problem. Until then, try to stay single if you can. Loving yourself first and refusing to be treated unfairly are two very basic things that all humans need PRIOR to relationships. Avoid friends who treat you badly, too.

Tell yourself you are a good person and you deserve to be happy; once you believe it, surround yourself with others who have that same philosophy. It's not always easy, but it gets easier with time.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 9:30 PM on January 2, 2008