I can't break up.

December 31, 2007 5:41 PM

I can't break up with my girlfriend.

I've been dating a girl for a year now. We've broken up twice now. The second time, as soon as we got back together I realized I had made a mistake. That was almost six months ago. I've tried to break up several times now...I've lost count of how many times. Each time she talks me out of it, and I relent. I haven't attempted it in several months, because I know it won't work.

She just doesn't leave (physically, she won't leave the house), tells me point blank that we are not breaking up. and argues with me, demands reasons. Asks me if I want to die alone, accuses me of not being able to love. She behaves as thought the breakup never happens, comes to my house. Insists that I am just stressed for other reasons. And somehow she wears me down.

She's madly in love with me She wants to marry me and badgers me constantly about moving in together. I have told her that I do not feel this way. its been a year, and I have not said "I love you." (Although she insists that I say it when I'm half-asleep)

This morning she confronted me, by asking "Do you love me?" I said that I did not...things became ugly and I said we should break it off. I was sure....sure...I was feeling that I would be free. And then I panicked about being alone on New Years Eve, and I relented.

I'm ashamed of myself. I feel weak...and guilty. This is no good for her either. She is wasting her time with me. And yet, I feel that I have been honest with her, she just will not accept the situation.

posted by TigerCrane to human relations (35 comments total)

You are a human. You don't want to break up with your girlfriend, but you want to some of the time and some of the time you don't want to. You're gut is saying break up. I say put the decision off one month to find out why you don't want to break up.

Once you've decided, if you do decide to break up, plan your break up. Argue back. Don't give up no matter how hard she tries.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:46 PM on December 31, 2007

Wait - whose name is on the lease? If it's just you, call the cops if she just won't leave. Tell them you've broken up with her and she refuses to get out. It's ugly, but so is this situation.

She's manipulating you and preying upon your insecurities. You know this, but there's no reason to feel guilty. You're both adults and she's very likely the more insecure one projecting her fears onto you. People who actually are weak in some way like to bully sometimes to mask that, and it seems she's the one who doesn't want to die alone by forcing you into the position you don't want to nor deserve to be in.

It also sounds like you both need some therapy afterward. But just remember that you really have no reason to feel guilty for simply wanting your life back.
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:48 PM on December 31, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

You panicked about being alone on New Years? Dude. Come on. It doesn't sound like you're being very emphatic about it. Sit her down and be point blank about it. Don't relent and make sure she gets the picture, even if it takes hours. Don't back down. All easy to say, but I've been in your position and you might have to be mean about it but you HAVE to do it.
posted by hiptobesquare at 5:48 PM on December 31, 2007

Tell her you want to break up with her and then... actually break up with her. If she won't leave your house you can quite easily make her leave. See if she stands pat when you pick up the phone to call the police if she doesn't take you seriously when you tell her to leave the first time. Don't argue in your head over it because you clearly know you don't want to be with her, so stop being with her.
posted by rob paxon at 5:48 PM on December 31, 2007

You don't even have to argue back. Just leave. Go get some ice cream or something.
posted by spec80 at 5:48 PM on December 31, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

That should be "bully others sometimes".
posted by cmgonzalez at 5:48 PM on December 31, 2007

Does she have your keys? That's the tricky part.

Steal your keys back, then dump her via email. Don't respond to any of her attempts at communication. When she shows up and sleeps on your front porch, sneak out the back. When she threatens suicide, ignore it.

Eventually, she'll move on. Now, some people below will tell you to confront her and just stand firm, but you've already tried that, so now it's time to try dumping her shitbag-style. Try not to feel bad. After all, you wanted to do the right thing in the first place!
posted by "Tex" Connor and the Wily Roundup Boys at 5:49 PM on December 31, 2007 [3 favorites has favorites]

You WON'T break up with your girlfriend. There, I fixed that for you.

If you truly want to break it off, you call the cops and tell them that you are asking someone to leave your home and they refuse to go. Having a cop explain it usually makes a person pay attention.

Oh, and if you are having sex, stop. I suspect THAT is what is making you wishywashy about things.
posted by konolia at 5:49 PM on December 31, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Have you heard the story of "The boy who cried wolf"? You say you've broken up and gotten back together so many times that I'm gonna guess she doesn't even take you seriously anymore.
She doesn't have to accept the situation, she just needs to know that you mean what you say and then deal with it. You need to own up to your feelings and just get it over with. Don't prolong the situation because you feel like you just need someone. Own up, be a man and get it over with.
posted by ISeemToBeAVerb at 5:54 PM on December 31, 2007

If you got back together with her today because you were worried about yourself being alone on NYE, come on now, you have not been completely honest with her.

You have to break up with her outside of the house. You have to tell her that you are of very clear mind, that you aren't stressed and you need to do this because you are wasting her time - that there is no future for her with you. You need to be sensitive, but firm.

If you're worried about the argument that ensues, ask to meet her somewhere and leave on your own if she won't let you do this. If she's got a key, change the locks beforehand. If you can change your number, do it before hand. If she's got your email address, set up a spam filter.

If she won't let it go, threaten a restraining order.
posted by jerseygirl at 5:55 PM on December 31, 2007

I feel that I have been honest with her, she just will not accept the situation.

That's your answer. The next question is how?

A trendy dating book is "He's Just Not Into You." It's about signs that a guy really isn't into a relationship and how if you detect them, you shouldn't even bother. Not a great book, but some sensible advice. A cruel gift, but maybe she would finally get the message.

The point is that she deserves a guy who really is sincerely into her. I think both of you are afraid of being lonely, which is keeping you together...and it's wrong.

I've been in this situation and I've known many others with the same problem. Often the best way to get out of it is to just be too busy to see her and let things slowly die.
posted by melissam at 5:55 PM on December 31, 2007

Change your locks. Next time you break up with her, don't do it at your house. Do it someplace public, so she hopefully won't make too much of a scene. Tell her it's over, wish her well and tell her you won't be having any further contact with her, and then leave. Then, do not respond to any communication from her - phone calls, texts, emails, showing up at your front door. Nothing. No matter what she says. Do not back down. She sounds rather scary to me. You are each responsible for yourselves, and it's time for you to start doing what you want and taking care of your needs. Good luck.
posted by Kangaroo at 6:00 PM on December 31, 2007

Just do it. Change the locks if she has keys, break up with her in a public place, leave in your own vehicle and call the cops if she comes over and won't leave, as suggested up-thread. Honestly, she sounds a bit psycho and you sound very malleable. Dying alone? Is that likely to happen soon? There are fish aplenty in the sea of humanity, and being alone isn't so terribly anyway. Certainly not on New Year's Eve. Weak excuse. I would think you'd be more afraid of spending the rest of your life locked into a loveless relationship with a dominating partner who ignores your wishes.

Incidentally, how did she feel about your plans to become a prostitute specializing in geek boys? Seriously, I'm curious about how she excused that particular interest, because it doesn't seem terribly compatible.
posted by mumkin at 6:23 PM on December 31, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

Breaking up is like tipping a Coke machine over. You have to rock it back and forth a few times before it finally falls. And when it finally falls, you better be out of the way, or it's going to kill you.
posted by The World Famous at 6:24 PM on December 31, 2007 [16 favorites has favorites]

Lots of good advice in this thread. Look, you've dug yourself into a really bad situation, but you can get out. You need to change the lock on your door (if she has a key) and then go somewhere else (somewhere public, preferably somewhere that you won't be going again) to break up with her. Do so clearly, directly, concisely, and unambiguously. You are GOING to hurt her, and there's no way around it. It's best for all parties involved that you don't bullshit around while you're doing it.

She'll throw her tantrum, she'll make her scene. Once she starts, walk away. Do not try and argue with her, and do not try and reason with her or let her down easy. Unfortunately, you need to be a total asshole here, and drop her like a hot rock. You sound like a genuinely caring person, and it's going to go against your very nature to do this. Do it anyway, for your own good.

Once you've done that, NO MORE CONTACT. At all. If she shows up at your house or job and won't leave, call the cops, and then immediately get a restraining order.

Good luck.
posted by deadmessenger at 6:33 PM on December 31, 2007

If you got back together with her today because you were worried about yourself being alone on NYE, come on now, you have not been completely honest with her.


That's an excellent point. I believe that's the source of my guilt...I feel that when we are together I am feigning happiness. She said I was like Jekyll and Hyde, that I am kind and good to her and then rip her heart out. I feel like I'm living a lie.
posted by TigerCrane at 6:36 PM on December 31, 2007

You are living a lie.

Break up with her. Don't argue (arguing just gives the other person the impression that the decision hasn't actually been made). Just keep repeating your line, which is, "This relationship is bad for both of us. It's over." You can insert an "I'm sorry but" in there if you want, but at this point, she probably interprets that kind of thing as waffling, and since you've conditioned her to believe that any sign of weakness means you aren't serious, I'd recommend softening the message in any way.

If you feel like relenting, remember two things: (1) you don't want to be with her and (2) when you relent you will be dicking her around yet again. Don't be that guy.
posted by joannemerriam at 6:47 PM on December 31, 2007

Or girl. Don't be that girl.
posted by hincandenza at 6:54 PM on December 31, 2007

I went through something like this. We were both in pretty bad shape, and it went on for years. I was scared of hurting her and scared of being alone like you are, but actually, now that I'm out of it, I think being in a relationship like that is much worse. (Incidentally, I'm alone on New Year's Eve and enjoying myself. It's not hard, and it's a matter of choice. I blew off a party.)
posted by Estragon at 7:00 PM on December 31, 2007 [1 favorite has favorites]

. Do not try and argue with her, and do not try and reason with her or let her down easy. Unfortunately, you need to be a total asshole here, and drop her like a hot rock.

TRUE STORY.

I've been on both ends of this, and I have to say as the dump-ee, it is much, much less cruel to just have it over and done with than someone who is trying to let you down easy, because it's never easy - and if they care so much to try and make life better for you, then why aren't they staying with you? It's a mind fuck.

In the words of the great philosopher Nike: Just. Do. It.

I've also been the dump-er in this kind of situation and no, it's not easy, but once it's over, it's OVER. You'll feel a hell of a lot better if you get a clean break.
posted by grapefruitmoon at 7:12 PM on December 31, 2007

Forget changing the locks, she'll just show up on your door step, it'll be a pain.

Considering moving. Don't tell her that you're moving (and for the love of all that's holy, don't tell her where you're moving to!)--just tell her that you're breaking up with her and she needs to have all of her stuff out of your house in two days. She will assume you don't mean it (again) and will do nothing. When day two rolls around, pull up in the moving truck, pack all of your stuff, and leave.
posted by anaelith at 7:13 PM on December 31, 2007

Bruce, you don't have enough information to make that assessment. The fact that she keeps coming back for more isn't necessarily a sign of love. In my ex's case, it arose from self-hatred and a neurotic belief that she could control those close to her. We were both much better off when it ended. I probably would have wound up killing myself if I'd married her.

Part of the reason it went on so long was that I kept hoping she would change. She loved me so much that she'd change the things which bothered me, right? But some stuff runs too deep to change, I guess.
posted by Estragon at 7:14 PM on December 31, 2007

She doesn't live with me, and she doesn't have a key, thank god.
posted by TigerCrane at 7:29 PM on December 31, 2007

Dude, you panicked about being alone on New Year's Eve, and you ranked that OVER breaking up with someone you've come to despise? Sort your priorities and find your cajones, because methinks you've got some serious selfish going on there, too.
posted by medea42 at 8:23 PM on December 31, 2007 [4 favorites has favorites]

She doesn't live with you, but "she won't leave the house"? Well, um, then, problem solved, right? Since she must leave it sometimes?

This isn't that hard. Say no.
posted by blacklite at 9:47 PM on December 31, 2007

It's all about communication. Cut off the communication completely with no exceptions and she will (eventually) go away. You will have to screen your phone calls (google "caller id manager privacycorps"). You should setup your email program to delete messages from her automatically. When she sends a letter, you should tear it up without reading it. You may want to move or spend some nights elsewhere.

However, you are responsible for the situation, too. You need to realize that you did not set or enforce adequate boundaries with her. It's not all her fault. You should get some therapy to figure out why you let people push you around.
posted by conrad53 at 9:55 PM on December 31, 2007

You need to realize that you did not set or enforce adequate boundaries with her. It's not all her fault. You should get some therapy to figure out why you let people push you around.

Yeah. I am in therapy actually, and that's the same thing my shrink says. We're perfectly matched. I can't set boundaries and she can't respect them.
posted by TigerCrane at 12:39 AM on January 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

She doesn't live with me, and she doesn't have a key, thank god.

Actually, that should probably read: "She doesn't live with me, and I didn't give her a key, thank god."

I'd go ahead and change the locks.
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:20 AM on January 1, 2008

And yet, I feel that I have been honest with her, she just will not accept the situation.

Well, it seems she understands the situation just fine. The situation she sees is this: You are totally able to be convinced to call off the break up. She understands that perfectly. If there is anyone who does not understand the situation, it's you. The situation you see is this: Your girlfriend should just be a normal person and leave you alone when you break up with her, amirite, amirite? Well, despite how much you want to be in that situation, that is not what you're dealing with. She's obsessive and manipulative, and you have to deal with THAT, not bemoan the fact that she's not acting in a typical manner.

I wouldn't break up with her in public. The public forum won't keep her in check, it'll just give her an audience for her to say the most awfulest things about you loudly and cryingly to as many people as possible. From what you've written, it doesn't sound like you will be able to pull off a public breakup. I'd bet you she will start crying, big dramatic tears, say a bunch of "How could you"s, scream that you were a lousy lover and could never make her come, loudly threaten suicide, make an honest effort to stab herself, fake a panic attack, and beg that you just take her to her house or to an emergency room. I don't think you'll be able to walk away from that, and then you'll just have one more failed breakup to notch into your belt. Break up with her at her house. She will start all the same crap, but you're more in control because you can just leave.
posted by 23skidoo at 6:44 AM on January 1, 2008

Call her, tell her it's over and leave town for a day or two. I know it sounds ridiculous. Go stay with some friends somewhere else. When you get back, send her any stuff she has at your place in a parcel and just make a clean break.

It can be terrifying, but you know you have to do it. I've stayed in relationships for up to six months while trying to work out how to break it off.

New year, new start! Good luck :)
posted by stackhaus23 at 9:09 AM on January 1, 2008

This happened to a cousin of mine once - as I think back on it, part of the problem was that he just wasn't okay that she wasn't okay with it.

I think he just didn't have enough experience to understand the range of break-ups. In his mind, he would tell her once, and she would just 'accept' it-that is, nod acceptingly, pack her stuff quietly, and leave. Perhaps there would be some tears, but you know, not too many.

So the fact that she didn't respond this way sort of bewildered him (she kept calling/showing up/etc.) - as if somehow he hadn't told her correctly, or wasn't doing it right. Because when he did, well, she'd finally just nod acceptingly, pack her stuff......

Finally he realized that he wasn't responsible for her behavior, or how *she* handled the breakup. That was her problem. He was only responsible for his behavior, so he just had to start envisioning how he wanted to behave when she came around, said abusive fear mongering things about how he would never find anyone who loves him the way she does, and when she offered pretty fabulous sex. He also had to accept how he felt.

So he just accepted that he was uncomfortable with the 'messiness' of the breakup, and it was just going to be that way for a while. She wouldn't ever *want* to break up with him, and that was okay too. He was afraid that perhaps he wouldn't find any one who loved him so deeply (psychotically, perhaps), and he might not, and that was ok as well. And I think he told her that this was really hard for him, and while he was conflicted, be wanted out. He also told her how he intended to handle their interaction in the future (not taking her phone calls, etc.). I can only imagine the fireworks that went down, but he tried to be consistent, and started going on casual dates with other women. In short, she started to move on with his life.

Take what you will from this story.

Good luck!
posted by anitanita at 1:08 PM on January 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Steal your keys back, then dump her via email>>

Please do NOT do this. Just because we have email does not mean it's a kind or acceptable form of breaking up for mature adults to employ, assuming you are one (which Tex clearly is not). Teenagers may not be able to do the whole confrontation thing (and I'd even argue against that), but adults can and MUST. Breaking up via email truly is doing it "shitbag-style" and hopefully you'd like a cleaner, more compassionate break.

That said, you're sending her mixed messages big time. Make your decision and stick with it. Staying together because you don't want to be alone for x or y event isn't reason enough.
posted by FlyByDay at 4:32 PM on January 1, 2008

I have seen this situation end badly. And by badly I mean pregnant.
posted by vonliebig at 4:43 PM on January 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

You keep taking her back because it's seemingly better than your alternatives. Improve your alternatives.
posted by mikewas at 8:43 PM on January 1, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]

Wait until you are apart, when you are in your house and she is elsewhere. Lock your doors and pull your shades. Then call and inform her that you are, in fact, breaking up. Be gentle, but don't keep the conversation going if she's hysterical. Do not answer your door or the phone. In a week or so, send her an e-mail logically explaining what was up -- hopefully she can take constructive criticism once she's calmed down, and if it's in an e-mail, she can look at it a year from now, if that's how long it takes.

The key part is not answering your door or phone. If she sleeps on your front step overnight, and you let her in in the morning, you've taught her she can get in after 12 hours. If she calls 50 times and you answer on the 51st, you've taught her that's what she needs to do to talk to you. You cannot relent. Before you put this plan in motion, you have to be sure you're strong enough not to relent.

She said I was like Jekyll and Hyde, that I am kind and good to her and then rip her heart out.

That's because, to her, you are. One day you tell her you're not happy with her; in fact, whenever you seem happy with her, you're faking it -- you really don't enjoy her company at all. The next day, you give in and take her back, which she hears as "I'm happy with you, and none of our issues are too big to work out." You wonder why she thinks you're Jekyll and Hyde? I know you're trying your best, but from her point of view, you're being a huge jerk. Cutting her off completely, kindly but firmly, would be the less assholish move. You just need to be able to do it, hard as it is.
posted by booksandlibretti at 4:18 PM on January 3, 2008 [1 favorite has favorites]