Think of her as a more judgemental Aunt Bea.

December 30, 2007 2:57 AM

Where could I find a beautiful beach on the Eastern seaboard with bland-as-hell life?

So, my mom is a super patient lady that can deal with anyone. She wants to take her mom to the beach because the woman has never been there. But, now that I've thought about it, I'm not sure the beach is such a great idea.

Grandma is an old school religious lady, and she's the quietly judging kind. I am talking strict, down-the-line living. She does not relax in any conventional manner that does not include gardening, quilting or AM gospel radio stations. You get the picture. However, when I think of the beach I think of the following awesome things:

● random nudity
● partially nude men
● skimpy swimsuits
● alcohol
● expensive dining

At grandma's beach, ideally none of these things will be there.

I thought about taking her somewhere that was just geared to a much older clientele. But, having just went on a multi-beach vacation last summer, I know that even in older, less touristy areas there seems to be a flow of red wine at every turn and café. This will seriously upset her. Her church abstains from even taking the blood of Christ - juice or wine - during the Easter holiday.

So, this is what I need to know: Is there anywhere on the Eastern seaboard between, say, the states of Maryland and the Carolinas that has a beautiful beach with no gay community, no party community and no young people? I thought about Assateague Island, but I'm not letting this marr my visit to the native ponies.

I know that this is completely stupid, but I am not going to sit through a fog of disapproval for a week straight. I can get back to my recreational nudity on my own time.

posted by fujiko to travel & transportation (31 comments total)

Ocean City, New Jersey is a beach-side resort and is dry. It is made for grandma.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:08 AM on December 30, 2007

The beaches in more exclusive areas tend to be less raucous and more refined. I would go a bit further south in Jersey to Cape May. It's not very far from Maryland, just a bit further north of Ocean City, Maryland, but is a quiet, small, antiquing town. Very family oriented and a good place for Grandma.
posted by wile e at 3:54 AM on December 30, 2007

I was going to suggest Cape May, too; I went for Ocean City because alcohol seemed to be a specific issue that could make eating out in even very sedate places like Cape May an issue. If it isn't, then Cape may would be great. Going anywhere like that weekdays, off season is likely to minimise those things you are trying to avoid, I'd wager.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:01 AM on December 30, 2007

There are skimpy swimsuits aplenty at Ocean City New Jersey. Also, and related to this, there are young people. I don't think a judgmental old person would survive the boardwalk. Lots of tanned navels offered for public view.

Sorry to harsh on your suggestion, DarlingBri. I've seen pictures of my grandfather on the Ocean City boardwalk in a suit, but times have changed. Also I've drunken beers on that beach.
posted by creasy boy at 4:14 AM on December 30, 2007

Instead of resort towns, look for coastal state and national parks. Places like this usually have cabins you can rent and tend to be very quiet, especially during the off-season. I went to Cape Hatteras as a child and remember it being extremely beautiful and extremely boring. My grandparents, who are very similar to your grandmother, loved it and I think they have been back a few times since. You can get cabins with kitchens stocked with all kinds of cooking equipment, so if it was impossible to find a restaurant without alcohol, you could cook for yourselves. If you search hard enough you could also probably find a place in a dry county, especially if you look at the Southern end of the area you're interested in.
posted by cilantro at 4:27 AM on December 30, 2007

Is there anywhere on the Eastern seaboard between, say, the states of Maryland and the Carolinas that has a beautiful beach with no gay community, no party community and no young people?

Four out of five?

The entire coast of Maine. It was made for (and inhabited by) people just like grandma.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 4:31 AM on December 30, 2007

I thought about Assateague Island, but I'm not letting this marr my visit to the native ponies.

You might want to reconsider Assateague State Park and Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge. I really can't think of any place more well-suited to meet the conditions you've provided. The beaches are lovely, and stand on their own - no boardwalk, nearby restaurants/ bars, etc. It is also the kind of place that you'll find plenty of bird-watchers and other "non-offensive" recreators.
posted by man on the run at 5:06 AM on December 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

Litchfield Beach, SC is sort of ridiculously wealthy and yuppie wholesome--full of retirees and Gap Kids. It is, however, only 10 miles from Myrtle Beach so the unwholesomeness might be hard to miss on the drive in.
posted by hydropsyche at 5:18 AM on December 30, 2007

In South Carolina, try Isle of Palms or Sullivan's Island near Charleston. Also, Litchfield and (I think) Pawley's Island. Hilton Head is probably okay, too.

Honestly, probably anywhere but Myrtle Beach and Folly Beach.
posted by cdmwebs at 5:24 AM on December 30, 2007

Another beach that might work is Edisto Island. It is primarily houses with a few commercial establishments at either end of the island. People will have a few beers but are generally pretty discrete with almost no outrageous drunkenness, at least outside of their rental house. It tries to be more family-oriented, so while their will be bikinis on the beach, it is no different than what you see at any swimming pool. If you go after labor day it becomes much more quiet, with many of the stores closed and by the end of September the beach is almost deserted, except on the weekends. There is also the advantage of off-season rates that time. It is far enough south that it is plenty hot through October most years. Finally, Charleston is about an hour away up highway 17, so side trips to that city are an option.
posted by TedW at 5:35 AM on December 30, 2007

Oh, and to add to cdmwebs comment, Isle of palms is very similar, and one end of it is taken up by Wild Dunes resort, which is a gated community that keeps a lot of the fun-lovers hooligans out. A lot of the locals resent Wild Dunes for gentrifying/ruining the character of the island, but it is a nice place to stay, with a number of lodging options both through the resort and other realtors.
posted by TedW at 5:40 AM on December 30, 2007

Outer banks in the shoulder season. the tiny towns in the Hatteras national seashore aren't too bad.
posted by Lord_Pall at 5:47 AM on December 30, 2007

Sorry to harsh on your suggestion, DarlingBri.

That wasn't harsh! You seem to have more current knowledge than I do, so rock on with your fine suggestions!
posted by DarlingBri at 6:29 AM on December 30, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you're willing to go a little bit further south, Jekyll Island perfectly fits the bill (and you'd be about an hour away from Savannah, Georgia, if you decide to slip away for a night). I can vouch for these folks, as we've rented houses from them several times, and they're great and nice and reasonable and all that.
posted by jbickers at 6:40 AM on December 30, 2007

Corolla NC - northern end of the Outer Banks. There are hardly any hotels there - it's all large beach rental homes mostly rented by families.
posted by COD at 7:16 AM on December 30, 2007

Well, perhaps not the whole state, but the Ocean Park community of Old Orchard Beach has a number of church camps, and is very low-key. There are some B&Bs and houses to rent. Just up the beach, Old Orchard Beach has honky-tonks and lots of skimpy suits on both sexes, so choose carefully. Email's in my profile.
posted by theora55 at 7:36 AM on December 30, 2007

One word of caution about the Pawley's Island/Litchfield idea; I live ten minutes from there, and the beach makeup is entirely dependent on time of year. If you want beach without the bellies, you have to stick to the off-season and aren't entirely safe then. While Pawley's is owned by people so mega-rich that the local grocery store has a piano player, Pawley's public beach is where the off-island locals (and the people renting the beach houses) go. Bikinis ahoy.

Also, if you go anywhere in coastal SC, make sure you don't go anywhere near "Bike Week". Your grandmother's head would explode, fo' reals.

If you're coming in from the airport, you'll have to drive through Myrtle Beach, which will probably distress your grandmother as well. Among other things, the drive to Pawley's from the airport will feature a Wal*Mart sized biker bar called the "Suck, Bang, & Blow". In fact, highway 17 (the road to everywhere) is heavily laden with biker bars, liquor stores, etc.
posted by Gianna at 8:41 AM on December 30, 2007

++Corolla, NC.

Ocracoke Island a bit further south may be even better.
posted by dzot at 8:56 AM on December 30, 2007

Hunting Island, South Carolina is a state park. There is no drinking or tacky tourism. They have cabins that are very nice, but often booked. The beach is gorgeous and is butted against the native South Carolina forest.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:59 AM on December 30, 2007

The entire coast of Maine. It was made for (and inhabited by) people just like grandma.

Yeah, not so much. Old Orchard Beach is a party town, and the two big "beaches" (assuming you want a beach with sand, not just the ocean) - Reid State Park and Popham Beach - are both party magnets in the summertime.

If you don't mind a long trip and a secluded location, I'd say that the Ellsworth/Bar Harbor area are your best bet. Not many drunken parties in the National Park, and the Ellsworth area is full of beautiful houses you can rent for cheap cheap cheap near undisturbed and basically deserted stretches of sand.
posted by anastasiav at 9:06 AM on December 30, 2007

Or there's Tangier Island in the Chesapeake Bay. You have to take a fairly lengthy ferry ride to get there, and when you get there, there's like 600 people and some fishing boats. Lots of scenery. Nothing to do. There are some bed and breakfasts and there is a small beach. Very narrow streets - too narrow for cars. Most people walk or ride bikes. The fire department uses golf carts.

It's different there. Note the wiki article notes that linguists go there because they don't even speak quite the same language as the rest of us. When I was there as a very young kid in the 70s, the thing I remember is that the local teenagers were into making these weird bicycle "choppers" by combining multiple front forks from old bikes so their front wheels were five feet in front of the rest of the bike on these long, shimmying, multi-hued forks that kept curving up and down and up and down. I have no idea how they actually rode the things, but then I can't begin to imagine how stunningly bored the poor bastards must have been.

But it's remarkably picturesque and about the last place the people your grandmother would be offended by would bother to trek out to. There is a beach in the sense of an area of sand by the water, but I can't really imagine a bunch of rowdy, drunk, naked libertines appearing on it. Or much of anyone else really. Your grandmother can walk around and sightsee and sit on the beach and enjoy the old homes and the user-operated drawbridges (footbridges with a mast-wide gap in the middle for the boats and a board you put across when you need it) and be completely unoffended I'd expect.
posted by Naberius at 9:39 AM on December 30, 2007

Seconding Brandon Blatcher's suggestion of Hunting Island. I love the place and try to go at least once a year. There are times in the off season when you Grandmother might be the youngest one there -- it's a popular place with the elderly RVer set.
posted by ewagoner at 11:30 AM on December 30, 2007

Rodanthe, NC is very secluded. There's not much other than rentals there, and it's so far away from any hustle and bustle that even the nearest full-size grocery is a 20 minute drive away (in Avon).
posted by ripple at 11:59 AM on December 30, 2007

the Ellsworth area is full of beautiful houses you can rent for cheap cheap cheap near undisturbed and basically deserted stretches of sand.

anastasiav, everything on the coast up here is granite cliffs or severely rocky shores against the ocean, save for the 300 yards that is Sand Beach in Acadia National Park.

I cast another vote for the Outer Banks, especially the north in Corolla and the mid-part south of Kitty Hawk towards Rodanthe/Avon/Hatteras/Ocracoke. Won't be cheap during the summer season, but if you go just before Memorial Day or just after Labor Day you'll get better deals and less crowds. And there's plenty of AM gospel stations waiting for your grandma.
posted by mikeg at 4:43 PM on December 30, 2007

Yeah, not so much.

Yeah, so much.

Old Orchard Beach is like a dilapidated amusement park. It's also not even 0.01% of the coast.

and the two big "beaches" (assuming you want a beach with sand, not just the ocean)

Huh? Wells Beach? Drakes Island? Higgins Beach? Kennebunk? Goose Rock? Crescent Beach? Fort Williams? Any of the billions of islands? And that's just the stuff up to Portland. There's still the rest of the state, and I haven't even mentioned Acadia.

Anyway.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 7:15 PM on December 30, 2007

Love the "churchlady" tag.

If you feel like shelling out the big bucks, I have to recommend Sea Island. Rich southern families partaking of golf, tennis, shuffleboard, bingo, and other wholesome activities. No young adults behaving scandalously. Nice outdoorsy things like kayaking and horseback riding in the area. Beach. Cottages for rent. Very family-oriented.
Caveat: I hear that it's been massively redesigned in recent years, and in the process it's lost some of its southern charm and traditions like dressing up for dinner in the main dining room, and that it's starting to turn away from families and toward business conventions. Go here soon, before things are entirely ruined.

In general (and this may be entirey wrong, I'm just guessing), but I think you might have the best luck in the South Carolina/Georgia area (don't stray too far south though, as Florida is obviously a den of sin). And I have to say NO to Ocean City. The one time I was there I was one of a group of unsupervised and very badly behaved recent high school grads. Our main activities were thinking of ways to sneak alcohol onto the beach and flirting shamelessly with amusement park employees to get free rides, bumper cars, etc. It was delightful, but likely not to your grandma's tastes.
posted by naoko at 10:22 PM on December 30, 2007

Rehobeth, DE... wait for it before you say no... off season. The town is very nice, very laid back, not a party town when the kids all go home.
posted by Pollomacho at 6:20 AM on December 31, 2007

Nthing Assateague State Park and Chincoteague National Wildlife Refuge. Beautiful long barrier island beaches, very staid and family-friendly (really, child friendly) town. Low cost lodging. Very little of the stuff you want to avoid, if any.
posted by fourcheesemac at 8:31 AM on December 31, 2007

A few years ago I stumbled upon the quaint New Jersey beach town of Ocean Grove. It was founded in the late 19th century as an evangelical summer camp meeting retreat. The town is still dominated spiritually & physically by the Ocean Grove Camp Meeting Association and their Great Auditorium. That said, there is far less of a young party crowd with the requisite nudity and alcohol consumption. I found it to be pretty family-oriented retaining the Victorian charm that has landed it on the National Register of Historic Places.
posted by dreaming in stereo at 10:55 AM on December 31, 2007

Yeah, not so much. Old Orchard beach is teeming with furry Canadian men wearing grape smugglers.....all summer long. Grandma would seriously freak.
posted by reidfleming at 11:56 AM on December 31, 2007

Though some of you cancelled each other out, I will be spending some time considering nearly all of these. I think I do need to reconsider Chincoteague and Assateague. Thank you, everyone so far!
posted by fujiko at 9:08 PM on December 31, 2007