On the 5th day of Christmas someone gave to me......

December 28, 2007 3:11 PM

Help! I just received an unexpected and unsolicited check for several thousand dollars from the sister of my best friend who died several years ago. What should I do?

Today I was bored in a meeting and started opening holiday cards that I had just picked up at the post office. One card was from the sister of my best friend who died eight years ago. The card contained a check for five digits and a short note that said "he would have wanted you to have this." I was completely taken aback.

We have known each other since childhood and have exchanged cards and shared our mutual grief since my friend was killed in a car accident. At the time of the accident my friends family gave his house to his girlfriend at the time, who promptly sold it. I loved him and loved his house and said to her at the time "had I known the house was for sale I would have bought it." She briefly mentioned this in the note as part of her motivation. In my experience she is sincere and has no known mental problems but was and is still broken up over his death.

How, if at all should I respond? Should I contact her and ask if she really meant to do this? Should I just send a thank you card? Or, should I send the check back?

posted by Xurando to human relations (22 comments total)

I would deposit it. I'd hang onto it for a little while, just in case it was the product of greiving and not rational thought, but in general I think it would be bad form to refuse it. Give it a few days, then maybe give her a call and do some descreet probing for remorse.
posted by jeffamaphone at 3:19 PM on December 28, 2007

Thank You cards are always good form.
posted by jeffamaphone at 3:19 PM on December 28, 2007

I agree with jeffamaphone and think that it would be bad form to refuse it. That was very generous of her to give you such a large sum of money. If you feel too guilty about keeping it, you could donate it to a charity.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 3:24 PM on December 28, 2007

I would contact her to thank her and work in a way to tactfully ask where the money came from ("is this part of an inheritance he would have received?" "did his former girlfriend send you money from profits of the sale?", etc.). I say that because it seems as though you are concerned that giving up this money may cause hardship for her, and it may be helpful for you to know whether it came out of her 401(k) or an unexpected windfall.

Either way, I would not try to turn around and give it back to her, as it obviously means a great deal for her to give it to you. If you do think parting with this cash would prove a hardship for her, I would recommend putting it in an interest-accruing account and saving a percentage of it for "a rainy day" when you might be able to use it to assist her. In the meantime, you can use the interest it earns without guilt. I wouldn't tell her that you're doing this, since money makes for awkward situations (as you're experiencing!).

On the other hand, if she says, "well, I just had a really good year, and the mortgage is paid off, so--have fun!" then I think you should feel free to take her words at face value. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend.
posted by tyrantkitty at 3:24 PM on December 28, 2007

I would invite her over for dinner to say thankyou.
posted by goo at 3:25 PM on December 28, 2007

Just say thank you. Large gifts happen.
posted by tkolar at 3:27 PM on December 28, 2007

call her. thank her profusely, acknowledge that you are flabbergasted, and then genuinely say, "but lucy, are you sure this shouldn't stay in the family?"

my guess is that since so much time has passed, she's given this a lot of thought and isn't acting on impulse. you, as a friend of the family, however, should call to make sure she's of sound mind (and doesn't, for example, sound unhinged or manic). if she sounds rational, thank her and deposit the check. if she sounds unbalanced or otherwise troubled, talk to her parents or husband or whoever.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:31 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

If you keep it, be aware that there might be taxes due on it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 3:33 PM on December 28, 2007

I would not, under any circumstances, ask from where the money comes. That's between her and her money gods. Asking of her surety is absolutely fine though.

I would invite her over or out to thank her. I would also make a donation.
posted by FlamingBore at 3:35 PM on December 28, 2007

Take her out to a nice dinner, get some nice wine and toast the life of the deceased. You two have obviously shared the emotions associated with her brother's death, and there's no reason why this windfall shouldn't be a part of that. Even eight years on, celebrating someone's life is perfectly nice!
posted by rhizome at 3:36 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

Got a picture of you and your departed friend together? Make a copy of of it, buy a nice frame with the money and send it to his sister with a nice thank you card.
posted by furtive at 3:52 PM on December 28, 2007

I would spend some time thinking about what you could do with the money that would honor your friend and the things he valued. You could give part of it to charity if that feels right, or you could spend it on something that he would have thought was cool or that would have made him proud. Thinking about that will give you some time to sit on the money, just in case the sister decides she's made a terrible mistake. And spending it in a way that honors him might make it feel a bit less like a random windfall.
posted by craichead at 4:13 PM on December 28, 2007 [1 favorite]

About 18 months ago we gave a large gift to a family we thought could use it (a used car worth about $7000). It has been a really good choice for us, but they've had some trouble accepting it,--and a recent crisis that has increased our debt significantly and put us into a (temporary) cash-flow crisis has resulted in several offers to give us the car back. I finally said very firmly, "It was a gift. It wasn't, 'here, you can have this as long as it doesn't turn out to be inconvenient for us.'"

The other day one of them called to say that they had been talking about our crisis and they had decided to give us $1000 to help out, spread over several months. I had to bite my tongue not to say, "Are you sure you can afford it? We don't want to cause any hardship for you." Instead, I said, "That will be a big help. Knowing the money is coming helps us plan. It's really generous. Thank you."

Accept the gift graciously.
posted by not that girl at 4:33 PM on December 28, 2007

At least in my family, there were several unexpected checks that came to family members from the estate, several years after the death. It simply took that long to bring legal issues to an end. I would not be surprised if she simply passed on something to you. (But of course I'm guessing.)

Accept it gracefully. It sounds like you share memories.
posted by R. Mutt at 4:45 PM on December 28, 2007

Yeah, I'd double check. People can make mistakes filling out a check. Just say something like, "Just wanted to make sure. Thanks! This will be put to good use!" If you say it casually it can be part of your thank you phone call. I guess some people prefer the card thing but I personally enjoy getting phone calls from friends even more. You can always send a card too.

And please don't donate it all to charity unless you don't need it at all. If she wanted it to go to charity, she would have given it to charity. But she gave it to you. There are plenty of things you can do with the money -- like supporting small, local, positive businesses -- that will be just as good.
posted by Deathalicious at 5:00 PM on December 28, 2007

People can make mistakes filling out a check

Not 5-figure checks!

Just send a Thank-you letter, as long as you feel like writing.
posted by panamax at 8:27 PM on December 28, 2007

Please accept the gift and extend your profound thanks to this generous woman. Sometimes, I think, it's harder to receive than it is to give.

When two dear friends in Biloxi lost their home and all possession to Hurricane Katrina, they initially were reluctant to accept any of our assistance. We told them we expected nothing in return; we just wanted to let them know we couldn't help them physically, only fiscally. They accepted with much grace and, after they were able to rebuild, let us know that if we're ever in the same situation, they'll be there for us.

Maybe you could tell the sister that you are overwhelmed by her generosity and that if she ever needs any of that money or help of any kind, you'll be there.
posted by Smalltown Girl at 10:11 PM on December 28, 2007

In the end, money is worth nothing, nothing at all. But you can use this money to do something nice for yourself, take a trip you've always wanted, pay off some debt and give some to charity--to make your life a little easier, a little brighter. And then tell her: I used your gift to add some more light to my life. Thank you.
posted by Furious Fitness at 1:14 AM on December 29, 2007

The corpse in the library, there's a $1mil lifetime gift exemption in the states, over and above the $12,000 annual exemption (and it'd be her problem anyway, not yours).
posted by small_ruminant at 12:33 PM on December 29, 2007

"her" meaning the donor and "yours" meaning the recipient.
posted by small_ruminant at 12:34 PM on December 29, 2007

Sounds like the kind of gift someone might give before they kill themselves...
posted by bingo at 5:54 PM on December 29, 2007

Sounds like the kind of gift someone might give before they kill themselves...

Actually, that was my thought today. I just called, left a message, and got no response. I'll try again later. My perception is that the last time I talked to her she sounded slightly depressed.
She lives on the other side of the country so I can't just drop in and see how she is doing. I'll do a google search for obituaries and think about calling her son.
posted by Xurando at 2:48 PM on December 30, 2007