Help! A _girl_ likes me!

December 27, 2007 6:19 PM

Help! A girl likes me!

Ok, this isn't your run-of-the-mill, nerd-finding-out-about-girls AskMe.

Background: My upstairs neighbor's daughter, who feeds my cats when I'm away on vacation/business, is crushing hard for me.

What's the problem, you ask? I'm 25. She's 12.

How do I know she has a crush on me? Whenever she sees me, she drops whatever she's doing (playing/talking with friends usually), and runs over to chat me up. She talks to me about her day; She talks about things going on at school; and sometimes she just talks about nothing much at all. Or even creepier, sometimes it seems like she's waiting for me to get home from work. It's SO obvious. I only wish the women my age would show interest in me the way she does, it would make things so much simpler.

While in other circumstances, I would think something like this would be sweet, It's kinda scary thinking about how it could explode into one big clusterfuck of Not Good For Me.

What can I do in a situation like this, and not come out a candidate for the next Dateline pedophile special? Is there a way to say 'not interested' to a girl this age and not have her come out bitter and misanthropic (should I even worry about that)? Even better if I could say it in a way so that she would still be available to watch the cats (as I'm typing, it occurs to me that that may not be a good idea).

posted by ArgentCorvid to human relations (38 comments total)

Show up on her doorstep with your boyfriend.
posted by YamwotIam at 6:24 PM on December 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

I would talk immediately and privately to your neighbor, the girl's parent. I would explain what you are seeing and say, "Look, it is probably totally harmless, but I just wanted you to be aware that I'm worried about the slim chance that Susie could get the wrong idea, and then have her feelings hurt, if she is crushing and she and I continue spending time together. What do you suggest?"

Don't make it a huge production; just create an opportunity for a simple, casual conversation between the adults. Ask for a suggestion on recommended course of action. Explain that you might be misreading things, but that just in case, you want to proceed with caution, in Susie's best interest.

What you need to remember is that she's just a child. Yes, she's a blossoming adolescent and you don't want to do anything to scar her for later relationships, especially if you're her first crush -- but ultimately, she's a child and her adult parent needs to be brought in on this, for the courtesy of a heads-up, but also to provide guidance.
posted by pineapple at 6:30 PM on December 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

IMHO, making effort to say 'not interested' on your part is needlessly hurtful to her and over-reactive.

Younger girls get crushes, they bloom and then decay. Nothing will come of this, so your best bet is to be a decent role model and when you interact with her say things that will boost her self confidence and interest in activities out side you ( "Oh you like [band/sport/science] that's cool, you and some friends should go [see/play/write a phd in] that."--is a bad generic example)

To avoid Dateline-esque problems, try to make a joke about the situation to her parents (not in front of her.) Something lighthearted that shows you've noticed (since they have also) and don't take it very seriously. Depending on their reaction (if they don't chuckle) you may try to avoid being alone with the girl as an extreme safety precaution, but you've done nothing wrong so far and being nice to her from here on out won't change that.
posted by oblio_one at 6:31 PM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Seconding pineapple. And you might want to have a think about avoiding spending any time alone with her in the meantime. If the pendulum swings back the other way and she's bitter and upset with you, you probably don't want to put yourself in a position where your behaviour can be impeached - fairly or not - by anyone, including her.
posted by tim_in_oz at 6:38 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't encourage her, of course.

Kids of that age do that all the time. She's exploring those new emotions, and it's probably not personal at all. You're a fad. A "phase". Repeat that to yourself whenever you're annoyed or concerned, "It's not about me." You're fun and neat because you're a) nearby, and b) not like the other kids.

I think the best things you can do are:
- Don't be alone with her if you can avoid it.
- Be a pal, but not a friend. Don't invite her to chat idly (and eventually pour her heart out) and invest more emotion and familiarity in you. Have a point to everything.
- Wait until it passes.
- Talk to your neighbor, if you think he/she can be discrete, and see if something more interesting can keep The Girl busy.
posted by cmiller at 6:42 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Don't talk to the neighbor. Likely he/she will talk to the girl and the girl starts off with a bad experience.
posted by yoyo_nyc at 6:52 PM on December 27, 2007 [9 favorites]

Maybe you are reading way too much into things. So she tells you about her day. Plenty of kids like to have an older adult with whom they can converse and share things with. And it doesn't usually go beyond that. It makes a kid feel good and more grown up to have adult friends. It's exciting to feel accepted by someone older. There's a familiarity with you since she feeds your cat, so you've become that older friend.

It's likely perfectly innocent, so bringing it up to her parents or anything would just seem like a weird overreaction on your part.
posted by cmgonzalez at 6:53 PM on December 27, 2007

I don't know if talking to the girl's parents is such a good idea. Parents (especially fathers) of tween and early-teen daughters are notorious for being in serious denial about their child's burgeoning interest in the opposite gender. I can see a not-insignificant possibility that they might believe that their precious little darling could NEVER have an inappropriate interest in an adult man, and that you must be a disgusting pervert who said or did something to encourage this interest.

My suggestion: for your own protection, back WAY off. Limit your interactions with her to an absolute bare minimum, and for Deity's sake DON'T ask her to watch your cat anymore.
posted by deadmessenger at 7:03 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Personally, I would talk to her parents--sensitively but directly, not joking or timid about it. Tell them that you think very highly of their daughter, and that you enjoy the opportunity to be a role model (and having a cat-sitter), but that you're concerned about her apparent crush and want to make sure that they're aware of your friendship with her. You don't want to come across as pervy, but you also don't want to set up a situation where they're in the dark about her spending time with you.

Imagine a worst-case scenerio, wherein she finds out you're not interested (either by your telling her or by her seeing you bringing a date home) and out of embarrassment or anger or just plain 12-year-old-girl craziness she makes up a story about you behaving inappropriately toward her rather than the other way around. Not that she would, just that she could. Better safe than sorry. (Then again, I did watch an awful lot of Law & Order growing up, and may be projecting my own inclinations as a 12-year-old onto your neighbor).

Also, even if she would never make anything up that way, it's still probably a good idea to get her parents involved if she's escalating from friendly-neighbor to friendly-stalker.
posted by Meg_Murry at 7:05 PM on December 27, 2007

Talk to her parents? Oh please. She hasn't taken off her shirt and shaken it at you. She's just talking. Talking to her parents would be overreaction extreme, and it would probably creep her parents out, too. This crush will fade, just give it time. You don't have to stop talking to her, but talk to her like a child, not like a friend. She'll grow out of it sooner than you think.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:16 PM on December 27, 2007 [4 favorites]

What can I do in a situation like this, and not come out a candidate for the next Dateline pedophile special?

a) don't talk to the parents. It will creep them out.
b) don't fuck her.
c) don't make a big deal out of it and 'explain' things to her.

Other than that, it should just solve itself.
Point b is really crucial, BTW.
posted by signal at 7:22 PM on December 27, 2007 [10 favorites]

This happened to me once. Happily it ended without incident (she stopped talking to me after I did the two things I suggest below, and then moved on to boys her own age) but it was intensely uncomfortable while it lasted.

-- Never, ever, ever be alone with her. Talk to her outdoors, where other people can see you. No more cat sitting. If she comes over, talk to her on the porch, not in your apartment. Keeping it all in public will (hopefully) insulate you from a she-said/he-said clusterfuck.

-- If you want to talk with her parents, I strongly suggest talking to the mother, not the father. But far, far better is to have an older woman do that talking for you. Do you have a matronly neighbor or friend, even an aunt or your mother, who can do this in a comfortable way? A guy saying "she has a crush on me" sounds waaaay too much like, "dude, that girl is totally hot for me, and you know, she is a budding young woman..." even though that is not what you mean at all. An older woman is completely non-threatening when she says the same thing, and can do the whole been-there-done-that routine, while sounding like she is totally on the girl's side (which hopefully she is, along with helping to protect you).
posted by Forktine at 7:26 PM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

signal: Point b is really crucial, BTW.

Thanks for that one, I wasn't sure...
posted by ArgentCorvid at 7:31 PM on December 27, 2007

I had a crush on a guy your age when I was 12. He was an older friend of the family and I was convinced for a few months that I would GROW UP AND MARRY HIM because that is what I thought you did when you liked a guy. He was friendly to me but not overfriendly and certainly not sexy-friendly, and made pretty sure (I think, when I think back on it) to not show me any special attention. For my part, I wasn't like flirting with him or trying to find a way to get alone with him, just happy to talk to a nice adult person who wasn't my parents. At some point, I forgot about him pretty much, even though I suspect he was still around, he just went totally off my radar.

So, my advice to you is just to leave this alone. Be yourself. Be extra careful to not lead her on either through word or action. Make sure you are treating her like a twelve year old and whatever concerns you may have about the opposite sex, do not share them with her. I don't think you need to have her not watch your cats, or talk to her parents, just be totally appropriate with her and don't behave in any way that makes it seem like you might see her as a dateable female [i.e. don't take her to the movies, even if there's one you both want to see, don't stop what you're doing to talk to her, etc]. If it's clear in your mind that she's a girl and you're an adult, that will come through. Now, I clearly grew up in a different decade before Dateline Predator, etc, so my advice may not be totally on the mark, but I do think that if you're not in some weird power relationship with this girl and you're clear on you own motives you don't have too much to worry about.
posted by jessamyn at 7:35 PM on December 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

[I realized that my perspective on this topic is definitely informed more by being the parent of an adolescent girl, than by my own experience as an adolescent girl (where my crushes were fortunately all aimed at other woefully dumb young adolescents). So, take that as you like.]

Parents (especially fathers) of tween and early-teen daughters are notorious for being in serious denial about their child's burgeoning interest in the opposite gender. I can see a not-insignificant possibility that they might believe that their precious little darling could NEVER have an inappropriate interest in an adult man, and that you must be a disgusting pervert who said or did something to encourage this interest.

I cannot disagree more heartily with this suggestion. I'm sure it's well-intentioned, but it doesn't really help any father of any daughter for a stereotype to be perpetuated that "parents (especially fathers)" are "in serious denial" about a basic fact of childhood development. I think that the hypothetical posited here is so far outside the norm that it's not really worth considering. (No offense meant, deadmessenger, but I think your theory is scarier than it is realistic and is informed by too much Hollywood and not enough experience.)

Plenty of kids like to have an older adult with whom they can converse and share things with. And it doesn't usually go beyond that. It makes a kid feel good and more grown up to have adult friends. It's exciting to feel accepted by someone older. There's a familiarity with you since she feeds your cat, so you've become that older friend.

I think that this is a valuable point to ponder -- kids don't have near enough adult friends outside of teachers and parents, and in any other case, OP might be a great pal for Susie and should just continue letting her spend all her free time with him.

But this isn't 1958 Mayberry*; it's the 2008 world of MySpace predators and Dateline paedo traps. The OP is right to be cautious, if for no other reason than that society has been conditioned to view any single adult male as a possible molester, and any relationship between a single adult male and adolescent girl as inappropriate... or at least suspect.

The OP says that the girl has demonstrated an obvious crush; we have to take his word on that. If he truly believes her feelings are romantic and not simply platonic, having a casual conversation with her parents of "just want to make sure you're okay with this" is not tattling, or overreacting; it's doing the right thing, and it's covering his ass. Will the girl possibly be mortified? Maybe. But, as a parent, this is what I would want to see happen if it were my kid. I'd want to be afforded the opportunity to make informed choices about the situation.

ArgentCorvid, the burden of responsibility is on you, as the adult in the equation. You can't read the child's mind, and you can't read her parents' mind, and what "might creep them out" really isn't your problem... but you can make sure that your own actions are stand-up and beyond reproach. The worst-case scenario that might result from telling the girl's parents that you have some concern about the situation is vastly better than the worst-case scenario that could result after you didn't tell them.

On preview: * Jessamyn, not meaning to imply that you grew up in 1958 Mayberry.
posted by pineapple at 7:44 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Everything signal and jessamyn said.

You don't need to explain anything to the parents or to the girl...there's no need for you to sexualize this relationship. Just be a nice grownup, be friendly, and, like jessamyn said, don't do anything "date-like" (or what a 12-yr-old might imagine is date-like) with her. No taking her out for ice cream or a movie.

She's gonna drop you like a hot potato at some point, and you'll be a little wistful. S'okay.
posted by desuetude at 7:46 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh, and a look of "egads, a little embarrassing, your little girl here" to the folks will probably do the trick, if you're already friendly with them.
posted by desuetude at 7:50 PM on December 27, 2007

* Jessamyn, not meaning to imply that you grew up in 1958 Mayberry.

I actually pretty much did, that's okay.
posted by jessamyn at 7:55 PM on December 27, 2007

You can talk to the girl's parents without revealing her crush on you. Go to them to tell them how much you appreciate their daughter's help with your cat, that you think she's a neat kid, and that you wanted to thank them for doing such a good job raising such a responsible child. You'll be able to get a sense from that interaction of what sort of family they are and whether they're aware of how much time their daughter spends hanging around you.

Then, if they seem open to it, get to know the family a little bit. That way, rather than being the (potentially suspect) 20-something guy who is friends with their 12-year-old daughter, you are the family friend who is also friends with their daughter. You don't have to reveal anything to her parents that might be uncomfortable for you or for her (and I agree with the posters who say that it would be incredibly embarrassing for her if you told her parents about her crush). Just spend a little time getting to know the family as a whole so that the parents know and trust you and so that the nature of your friendship with their daughter is absolutely transparent to them.
posted by decathecting at 8:02 PM on December 27, 2007

Don't talk to the parents, don't bring it up to the girl, just ignore it. You'll know what's appropriate when you are right there. This is more about you trusting you than anything else.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:06 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Plenty of kids like to have an older adult with whom they can converse and share things with. And it doesn't usually go beyond that. It makes a kid feel good and more grown up to have adult friends. It's exciting to feel accepted by someone older. There's a familiarity with you since she feeds your cat, so you've become that older friend.

To me, is so important to underscore. Like Jessamyn, I know I grew up in a more "innocent," pre-Catch And Castrate A Predator era (aka the late '70s/early '80s). An adult family friend who I had a BIG ol' crush on -- he must have been in his late 20s, I guess (he was a colleague of my dad's, so he was about a decade younger than my parents) -- wound up being a very important (and utterly platonic) presence in my life. I could talk to him about stuff I couldn't talk to my parents about. I could ride my bike over to his house and do my homework on his porch when I didn't feel like dealing with being at home. He bought me Clash records and came to the opening night of the plays I was in (usually with one of his girlfriends) and sent funny birthday cards. He did all this with my parents' knowledge and without ever, ever harming me in any way or crossing any line; indeed, he helped me feel smart and funny and at ease with being myself at at time when I desperately needed to feel those things -- and, crucially, at a developmental moment where all the postive reinforcement from my parents was going to ring hollow. And so while my crush faded after a year or two, my fondness and gratefulness for his being such a kind, generous adult in my life has never wavered more than two decades later.

It seems clear that you are not able to be this kind of figure in this girl's life. That's fine. But please don't immediately pathologize a normal, natural thing like a crush. Please don't embarrass her or do anything to make her feel ashamed. She's a child, taking the first wobbly steps into adolescence. Tread with compassion.
posted by scody at 8:32 PM on December 27, 2007 [13 favorites]

it is quite a sad state of affairs when we have to almost fear children (and/or fear that they will seek revenge - i don't deny that it exists, it's just that wrath is probably not a healthy emotion for a 12-year-old) . Oh well, that's the world we live in.

That being said, I would definitely not tell the parents, simply because you do not know how they will react - even if they are well-meaning, they might totally humiliate or embarass their daughter if it doesn't come out right. I know I used to be so very secretive about my crushes. And any mention of a girl or a crush by my parents would sound as if they were trying to humiliate me (well, that was my perception at least).

Overall, I like Jessamyn's advice. Just continue doing what you do. But don't go out of your way to talk to her or to do anything for her.

Forktine also had some interesting insight, but it might be a bit weird if you knocked on their door, introduced them to your aunt, mother or g/f and then have them proceed to tell the parents about their daughter! If there is a woman in your life who is on friendly terms with the parents already, then it is probably OK.

Good luck! Maybe she has an older female cousin with the same great taste in men!
posted by bitteroldman at 8:55 PM on December 27, 2007

Forktine also had some interesting insight, but it might be a bit weird if you knocked on their door, introduced them to your aunt, mother or g/f and then have them proceed to tell the parents about their daughter! If there is a woman in your life who is on friendly terms with the parents already, then it is probably OK.

Yes, I was envisioning a more organic thing, like what you describe. Otherwise it would be intensely embarrassing for everyone, and would mark you as a weirdo for life.
posted by Forktine at 9:09 PM on December 27, 2007

It seems clear that you are not able to be this kind of figure in this girl's life. That's fine. But please don't immediately pathologize a normal, natural thing like a crush.

At risk of going off topic, I felt the need to comment on the above statement - to me, the only thing that is clear is that the OP wants to do the right thing. Whether he is suited for the role similar to that of Scody's friend can't really be determined from the information provided in his questions - it is unfair to come to that conclusion. And I don't think he is pathologizing the crush - he is just asking for advice, taking this young lady's emotions very seriously and treating her with respect. Nothing wrong with that!

Perhaps Scody's friend talked to his own friends about the situation too, who knows?
posted by bitteroldman at 9:10 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

hoooo boy... pardon my kinda cringing tone, here, but...

I don't know that a 12 year old girl wanting to run over and talk to you is a signal of a crush.

If anything, I tend to think that 12 year old girls don't know how to talk to their crushes, and falter hopelessly in the background.

12 is an awkward age. It's a turning point between innocent child and pubescent teenager. It's entirely possible that you are misperceiving this whole situation. Her attention to you might simply be a child glomming onto someone they like and admire. If he was a 12 year old boy would you think he had a gay crush?? Or would you just think that he thought you were the shit? Maybe she does too. Maybe the love/sex element is actually inside your head.
posted by scarabic at 9:42 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Whether he is suited for the role similar to that of Scody's friend can't really be determined from the information provided in his questions - it is unfair to come to that conclusion.

Fair enough. From what I gathered from the OP's post -- e.g. "is there a way to say 'not interested' to a girl this age?" -- it simply appeared to me that in addition to not knowing how to handle this girl's (presumed) feelings, he doesn't have the inclination to pursue an actual friendship with her anyway. In other words, the question doesn't particularly read as "this child seems interested in me -- how can I be a good friend to her without anything untoward happening?" It reads (to me) more as "this child seems interested in me -- how can I get her to stop talking to me about school and leave me alone, yet while still possibly retaining her services as a catsitter?" Nothing wrong with the latter, but it's not the same as the former.

And I don't think he is pathologizing the crush - he is just asking for advice

Agreed. I think some of the advice he's getting here, however, is pathologizing the crush, which is what I hope he'll avoid.
posted by scody at 10:11 PM on December 27, 2007

Whether he is suited for the role similar to that of Scody's friend can't really be determined from the information provided

No, I don't think this rejoinder is fair enough at all. Obviously the OP is uncomfortable with the situation and considers it wrong. The man you knew growing up was entirely mature and nurturing about it. There's a very distinct sexual alarm in this post that I believe safely sets this OP apart from the man you knew. I don't mean that as a huge bash. I know what it's like to feel awkward around pubescent girls. But I think you were right to draw the line and say "hey, it's never going to be that awesome, but don't make it awful either, mkay?"
posted by scarabic at 10:33 PM on December 27, 2007

I was really chatty and friendly as a kid. I was never afraid of strangers and would chat up almost anyone I came across. I once endeared a family friend - an old, short, dark Indian man - because I was the only kid who wasn't afraid of him. And I never had crushes on any of them. If I had a crush on anyone at that age, it would either be someone totally inaccessible (like a celebrity) or someone I felt shy around.

Are you sure it's a crush?
posted by divabat at 11:11 PM on December 27, 2007

Girls that age love to tell stories...
posted by Student of Man at 11:49 PM on December 27, 2007

Don't freak out! There's a good chance she doesn't even think about it as a crush; she probably just thinks you're really cool and would be totally embarrassed and crushed if you tried to brush her off or went to her parents or anything like that. She might have really cool parents who wouldn't make it embarrassing for her if you talked to them; then again, they might go totally batshit and not let her date until she's your age. Or they might make the whole issue so embarrassing and awkward she feels guilty about being friendly and finds herself a shell to hide in.

Really, your best bet is to just keep things as they are and continue being a nice guy, listening to her talk about her day and letting her cat sit and stuff. In a year she'll probably feel like an idiot for being overly friendly to you, GOD, he must have thought I was *such* a *loser*, I should just avoid him and never talk to him again in case he remembers that stupid thing I said that one time. UGH. In other words, the situation will take care of itself. Your lesson to take away: girls are weird and beware of daughters between the ages of 10 and 16. Or at any age really.
posted by MadamM at 11:54 PM on December 27, 2007

Ignore it, Boys, Girls, 10-14-ish, hormone hell... you'll be forgotten within the next year. Given half the chance I would be a FARK headline, I would have BONK'ED my English teacher in a heartbeat. Early teenage crushes.... Follow rule B. and (don't f*ck her), everything else will be fine in a couple of months.
posted by zengargoyle at 1:17 AM on December 28, 2007

Late to the party!

Basically.... What others have said... Don't talk to the parents unless there is some other SERIOUS development (like her professing her undying love to you.) Just be chill. Don't give her any super special attention, but be nice (as always). You can just say a quick, friendly hello/how are you as you're walking inside, and don't linger any longer than you need to. It's okay to NOT stop and have a conversation each time you see her. Try not to put yourself in a compromising position with her. You'll be fine.

P.S. I'm from Iowa too! :o)
posted by Mookbear at 3:01 AM on December 28, 2007

(I have nothing helpful to add other than I would have similar questions. You may not be a saint but you're definitely not a weirdo for wondering.

P.S. Your attractiveness to the younger generation will pass soon enough, if my experience is anything to go by. When I had just turned 30 I was in line at Subway, admiring the college women in front of me and thinking "I wonder if I should chat them up?" Before I could make up my mind, they exchanged the following in their long discourse about their mutual friend, which had been their sole topic of conversation:

"Yeah, she's so screwed up. You know who she's dating?"

"Who?"

"Jim."

"No way! He's, like, 30!"

"Yeah, that is so gross."

"No kidding."

Hurt at the time but it hilarious thinking back on it. Good luck.)
posted by maxwelton at 4:03 AM on December 28, 2007

If anything, I tend to think that 12 year old girls don't know how to talk to their crushes, and falter hopelessly in the background.

This was true for me, at least. When I was 13 I had a huge crush on a guy who was probably 19-20ish (we both worked at a farmer's market; he was home from college for the summer). I had no idea how to talk to him, and just kind of stood around like a deer in headlights whenever he talked to me. The other guys that age, on whom I didn't have crushes, I could talk to with little to no problem.
posted by Lucinda at 6:35 AM on December 28, 2007

If anything, I tend to think that 12 year old girls don't know how to talk to their crushes, and falter hopelessly in the background.

I used to be a teacher, and I know that girls had crushes on me. They weren't scared to talk to me because they had a reason to: I was their teacher. Similarly, you are the girl's neighbor. She doesn't have to be all nervous that someone is wise to her crush, because she already has a reason to be talking to you.

I had kids in the neighborhood who used to come around and shoot the shit, and one time I had a new roommate who didn't know this yet. Some girls came around looking for me, and he let them into the house to wait for a while. I had to tell him later on that 1) they were like 14 and 2) it's not cool to have 14 year olds in the house, unless their parents are there too. If you're looking for one rule to follow to calm your nerves about the whole situation, it's "Don't be alone inside with young girls unless a parent is present." Talk on the porch all you want. Be a cool older neighbor. If you're not ever alone with her inside, then there's no way this can escalate in a real or imagined sense, and it will fade away after not-too-long. A month is like a year to a 12-year-old.
posted by 23skidoo at 7:24 AM on December 28, 2007

I'd say that if you aren't already friendly with her parents, I'd get friendly with them so that:

a) you can gauge the seriousness of the situation
b) they can get a chance to notice the situation without requiring you to make a painfully awkward and special issue out of it.

I'm pretty sensitive to these things because I've had them backfire on me before. I love kids. I absolutely get along great with them. Hell, I get along with kids better than I get along with adults. And I'm gay and happily partnered. So little girls? REALLY not my thing. But that didn't stop a friend's sister from FREAKING THE FUCK OUT when I let her 5 year old play with my digital camera at brunch one morning. Just letting her play with my camera was enough for the kiddo's batshitinsane mom to go immediately to: OMG he's putting my daughter on a kiddie porn website!

The moral of that cautionary tale? The parents are the real wildcard here - not you and not the 12 year old. And in order to difuse any potential problems, you have to gauge the parents. Does it warrant a full-on, "Omigod, your 12 year old lurves me!"? Nah. Probably not. But to keep yourself safe from really hurtful aspersions being cast on your character, you have to figure the parents out.
posted by greekphilosophy at 7:52 AM on December 28, 2007

As a father of a 12 year old girl, I'm interested in the comments here. As a father, here's my take:

1. She's chatty and seems to perk up at your presence; she jumps at the opportunity to chat: don't talk to the parents about it. If she puts her hand on your knee, or leaves you a note, or tries to make a 12-year-old version of a move on you -- first run away, and then talk to the parents. Be sure that your behavior is absolutely squeaky clean and publicly verifiable (see #2).

2. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever be alone with my daughter, er, the girl. Ever. Frankly, it doesn't matter whether she finds you attractive or creepy, just don't be alone with my daughter. What 23skidoo said is right on, and should be a rule in this situation, and in all situations when dealing with adolescents. Just don't be alone with them. Be awesome and be in public. Have fun, be happy, but stay outside where no one gets any ideas, least of all hormonally-unbalanced adolescents.

I applaud your desire to do the right thing, and it sounds like you're doing it.
posted by terceiro at 7:59 AM on December 28, 2007

There is another issue to consider here. Twelve-year-old girls have technology to play with. What if she's sending IMs or texts to her friends about this great guy who lives downstairs and he is so cuuute and omg he TALKED to me the other day about my favorite band!1!!!1 and etc., and all this electronic "evidence" is discovered accidentally by mom or dad, and then they look at you and wonder what you did to encourage this.

I hate to say this (being a former 12yo girl who had age-inappropriate crushes) but you have to speak to her parents, if only to cover your own ass. Don't make a big deal of it - maybe try to accidentally run into them in the laundry room or something, but do mention your discomfort. Let them decide if continuing to care for your cats is something they will let her do.

And make a show of introducing her to your girlfriend (as this great neighbor kid, not as an object of ridicule, obviously). If you don't have a gf, get a female friend to play the part.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 10:20 AM on December 28, 2007