Pommie don't preach.

December 27, 2007 3:30 PM

How do I support my newly pregnant 18-year-old friend? She sent me a bubbly happy e-mail with her "good news" - I haven't responded yet.

This girl is very bright but has been diagnosed as bipolar, still lives with her mom and dad, has spend a portion of her life in various treatment facilities, and generally has a good deal of maturing to do. Her parents are supportive, and have asked her all the right questions, but so far she is obstinate about keeping this baby. Boyfriend is her age and not particularly interested or capable.

For whatever reason, she listens to me sometimes.
I honestly don't know what to say to her. My personal opinion is that she needs to give it up for adoption and get on with her life, learn to take care of herself. Opinions are not going to be super-helpful at this point, though. I don't know how to support her as she makes her decisions and endures the huge amount of growing up that the next year will bring, whether she ultimately chooses abortion, adoption, or to keep the kiddo.

So - what do I say (or not say) when she and I talk? Extra points if you were ever in this situation and someone made a difference with you.

posted by pomegranate to human relations (20 comments total)

Take her to see Juno?
posted by kickingtheground at 3:42 PM on December 27, 2007

If she said "good news," then you need to keep the same attitude. No matter what, deciding to stay posative would be a hard decision for her. I don't think you should tell her what you think she should do unless she asks, and even then, be careful. Make sure she knows that just because its what you think she should do, it isn't what she SHOULD do.

It sounds like you are very mature and I'm sure that you'll be able to help her with the all the growing up thats on the way. If you want to help, just make sure that whatever her decision you aren't judgemental.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 3:45 PM on December 27, 2007

Also, I should have mentioned this. I had a friend who got pregnant at 18, kept the baby and is doing fine. She says that the one things thats hardest for her though is that she lost a lot of friends due to her new responsibilities. Being there for your friend when her life changes is the absolute best thing you could do.
posted by thebrokenmuse at 3:48 PM on December 27, 2007

well, there's no need to rush things unless abortion really is an option here.

you might ask her questions about how her medicines will affect the fetus, and if she's prepared to go off them for the next 6 or 7 months. talk to her about how she will take care of the baby--what kind of job she'll get, or how she'll care for the baby if she goes to college. talk to her about how she will care for the baby if she goes off the rails again.

but mostly just talk to her.
posted by thinkingwoman at 3:50 PM on December 27, 2007

"Congratulations! You've got some crazy, exciting months ahead of you, and probably some difficult decisions to make. I hope I can be there to support you through it all."
posted by croutonsupafreak at 3:53 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

I suggest being supportive and excited. She still has to carry the baby for 9 months, so she'll need whatever support she can get (as she is probably pretty nervous about the whole thing).
posted by survivorman at 4:13 PM on December 27, 2007

I had a friend who was in the same position as your friend: bipolar, pregnant at 19, and happy about it. She eventually moved up to Canada with her husband to have the child, and had to move back once the marriage dissolved. She lives in Oklahoma now. She's doing alright now, but it's been hard for her.

First thing I would tell you is that whatever you say to her probably has less sway than you think on a matter this important. If she wants to keep the child, she's going to keep it. So don't burden yourself with the responsibility of fixing her life. You can't, and doing so will only breed resentment.

That said, I wouldn't stop yourself from telling her what you honestly think. If a matter of this importance doesn't warrant honesty towards your friend, I'm not sure there would be anytime that would. Just make sure you make great pains to do it delicately, to not be judgmental or patronizing, and to not be frustrated if she doesn't take your advice. And above all, make sure you make it absolutely clear that if she ever needs help, that she can call on you and should never hesitate to do so.
posted by Weebot at 4:13 PM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

When I was about 17, my best friend asked me to take her to Planned Parenthood but I had to work so I couldn't. Next thing I knew, she announced that she was pregnant with her (jerk) boyfriend's baby. My first reaction was "Oh Jesus, it's my fault. I'm a bad friend & didn't take her," but then I reminded myself that she could've gone without me & it was her life. Still, I didn't know how to react either. I knew it was a bad idea, this teen pregnancy. I felt strongly about it. But I wanted to be a good friend.

In the most incredible case of bad timing, the most popular song on the radio at the time was this one so she walked around through her pregnancy singing, "I'm keepin' mah baybeeee... I'm gonna keep my baby!" and I knew there was no way she was going to listen to anyone. So I supported her. I wore the worst pink taffeta bridesmaid dress EVAR for her shotgun-style wedding (the marriage dissolved in a fiery ball shortly thereafter, no surprise). It was her life and she made her choices. It wasn't an easy start for her or for her kids, but she survived and has done well for herself. She's a survivor.

So moral of the story, from my experience I'd suggest to just be her friend and support her unconditionally because that's what she needs. She needs a soft place to fall, and you can be that for her. You can have your own opinions but keep them to yourself unless you can find a way to gently give them to her if she asks. But as the song says, "pomagranate don't preach. She's in trouble deep. She's been losing sleep. But she made up her mind. She's keepin' her baby..."
posted by miss lynnster at 4:19 PM on December 27, 2007 [7 favorites]

I got pregnant with my first child at 19, under circumstances that many would see as less than ideal. I was thrilled, and it was still a hard road. I had friends who offered opinions that were similar to yours, and they aren't my friends anymore. I think they thought they were being helpful. They weren't.

Congratulate her - if she's happy about it, that's the appropriate response - and be there to support her in the ways that she sees fit. She'll need the support and she'll get enough judgment from the world at large without having her "friends" pile more on.
posted by streetdreams at 4:49 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, my daughter turned up pregnant at 19.

She married the father, and the baby turns one next week.

So, for what it's worth, this is what I think: Yes, she's young. Yes, she has no earthly idea what she is getting into. But I have watched my own daughter mature, take responsibility and turn into one heck of a mama.

I suggest you do what I did, which is, don't look at this situation as the end of the world for her life. It isn't. Be supportive of her. Be encouraging. Know that it is very possible that she will step up to the plate, grow and change, and that this baby will be the catalyst.

She has her parents there, and I assume they are being supportive, so that's a definite plus.

And as for the bipolar, well, I was bipolar when I had all mine, and we all managed.
posted by konolia at 4:50 PM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Generally speaking, her major problems are going to be accommodation and support, although it sounds like her parents are providing that. Talk to her, and also to her parents, and let her know that if she needs anything, you're willing to help her out.

Don't assume adoption is necessarily an easier decision than abortion. If she keeps the baby, you can help her and her parents most in the last few months before the birth by helping to get supplies and equipment (cot, blankets, change table, bath, etc etc, all that baby-related stuff that mothers in your life will be able to give you lists of). You can help her most after the birth by running errands and minding the baby.

In your friend's specific case, how bad her bipolar condition is and how much worse it gets due to pregnancy and motherhood (it seems there's a small chance of it getting better, but the articles about this appear to be controversial and are mostly behind paywalls) is going to determine how this all works out. Googling for bipolar+pregnancy turns up a lot of stuff to think about.
posted by aeschenkarnos at 5:08 PM on December 27, 2007

I'd just like to reiterate how lonely she's going to be if she decides to keep the baby. If you really want to help her you'll need to be there for her even when (espescially when) her social life goes to zero.

On the plus side "being there" can be just that. Sit with her while she folds diapers... She'll appreciate adult company, believe me.
posted by tkolar at 5:08 PM on December 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Since you're looking for ways to show her your support, how about helping her hook up with some of the supportive service she's going to need in the near future.

For instance, she's probably eligible for Medicare and WIC, two services essential for healthy pregnancy.

You two could go shopping together (even if just to the library) for books or videos about prenatal care, what to expect, delivery, etc.

If someone else doesn't step up to the plate, consider being the one who accompanies her to birthing classes or doctor appointments.

I would imagine one of the top priorities is to get her into a doctor who specializes in bipolar pregnancy, some program like this. She cannot hope to make healthy decisions for herself or this baby if the BPD isn't being well managed.

Many of my friends have been young single mothers who — with much gratitude for our local community college's program that was providing financial aid, childcare, tutoring, and general moral support — were among the top students in the entire college. Raising a baby will undoubtedly change your friend's life a thousandfold. But it doesn't have to mean the end of her education, if she decides that she's committed to pursuing it.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 5:20 PM on December 27, 2007

I agree with everyone that if you voice your negative opinions now you not only have no chance of changing her mind, but you would also alienate yourself.

I work at a high school were being underage and pregnant is quite common, and nearly all my female students have a friend/sister/cousin who got pregnant before they were 18. When they talk excitedly about having babies, I listen. I ask them what they'd do if they got pregnant, if they know how to apply to WIC, if they know how much diapers and formula cost and how much they could buy if they worked full-time for $8 an hour and if they'd have money left over for rent. And ever since I got pregnant I've been fielding questions about what it's like, how much things cost, if I'm scared, how it affected my job, and things like that.

I guess what I'm saying is, the best thing you could do would be to let her bounce ideas and plans off of you. Help her visualize the results of each plan. But know it's her decision ultimately and you're not responsible for her life.
posted by christinetheslp at 6:20 PM on December 27, 2007

maybe point her to girl-mom?
posted by kelseyq at 9:01 PM on December 27, 2007

Oh, jeez. This is a tough one, and you're right - she's not going to listen to opinions. She's eighteen!

The best thing you can do for her, if she's going to keep and raise the baby, is to find some good role models. And the best one I can think of is Bee Lavender. The easiest introduction would be her livejournal. She's a prolific writer, and googling will come up with tons of material. Her book Lessons in Taxidermy would make good bedrest reading, too. Bee is immensely inspiring, smart and tough, and if I were in your friend's situation, her words would be life-changing and life-saving.

Come to think of it, any of the HipMama writers will make good reading.
posted by freshwater_pr0n at 9:37 PM on December 27, 2007

Since girl-mom & Bee have already been mentioned here, I'll go ahead & say HipMama (both the dead tree zine & the online entity HipMama.com) & Ariel Gore who started HipMama. One of her recent blog posts addresses the Jamie Lynn Spears teen pregnancy. Two of her books were so helpful to me in terms of the whole becoming a mother thing [even starting out at 28 some time ago] -- HipMama Survival Guide & The Mother Trip, and with her perspective as a single & teen mother, it might be even more helpful reading for your friend. She's very matter-of-fact about a lot of stuff that doesn't make it into a lot of other getting ready for baby books (being a teen mother, dealing with WIC & condescending doctors, custody battles, domestic violence, co-parenting, political activism, among others).

Bee is the publisher of HipMama.com & she started Girl-Mom based on her experiences of being a teen mom & recognizing the need for supportive community for teen mothers. Bee just got voted one of the stories of the year in the Guardian about being a teen mother at 18. For temporary reasons, the Girl-Mom community forums are down at the moment, but the articles are still available to read. There are also the online HipMama features & community forums which encompass a much wider age range and set of perspectives.

Totally amazing women have been teen mothers & then there are some that don't/can't rise to the occasion. I wish both you and your friend the best of luck in navigating the path forward to success -- however success ends up being defined.

Disclosure: I'm the exec. producer of HipMama.com & another associated site, but aside from rarely being called in to do a random technical thing on Girl-Mom, I don't have any association with that site other than knowing Bee, who is truly immensely inspiring, smart and tough, even more so up close & personal. She's one of my favorite people in the whole world. I have only met Ariel once in person (before I was anything more than a community member) and I got all fan-girl shy because of the impact her work had on me. :)
posted by susanbeeswax at 11:00 PM on December 27, 2007 [1 favorite]

This is the flipside of being pro-choice, I guess. My own feelings, and you may not share them, is that if we are to support a woman's right to choose not to have a baby, we must also support their right to have one, even if we think they are not ready. I personally think the world would be a lot happier if there were less children born to unprepared parents, but all we can really do is offer to help them prepare as much as possible.
posted by Astro Zombie at 5:09 AM on December 28, 2007

If she sounds bubbly and says she wants the baby, then that's how it will go.
If you try convince her otherwise, then she will probably freak out that her friends aren't supporting her. And since she is mentally unstable, this could be an unfortunate thing.

I would just be there to support her as a friend.

If she does have the baby, that will be when she needs the most support. The father of the baby probably won't be around, she may not be able to handle motherhood without proper medication, etc.

But hey, who knows, maybe everything will turn out perfectly.
posted by KogeLiz at 6:18 AM on December 28, 2007

You need to find a good support for yourself. If she is truly your friend, and if you intend on staying her friend (everyone is right about how she will react to anything other than complete and total support) you will need a lot of support yourself in order to vent your true feelings on the subject - and to avoid venting them to her.

My sister moved in with her boyfriend just after high school. She got pregnant earlier this year. And I did all the wrong things by sharing my own personal brand of skepticism and concern. That's not what she wanted and it isn't what she needed. You may think you are helping her to see things she hasn't considered (and you will probably be right), but all she will hear is "You are unfit to be a mother. Your child is a mistake."

And more than likely, she hears that enough already from herself.

I don't know what kind of support is out there for you. But I hope you begin looking quickly!
posted by greekphilosophy at 8:02 AM on December 28, 2007