how do i learn to deal with disappointment?

December 26, 2007 1:14 PM

How can I learn to deal with disappointment in a healthy, adult way? or: Help! My boyfriend's babymama is ruining my life!

My boyfriend has a ten-year-old son. The son's mom, CrazyBabyMama, has primary custody, and my boyfriend is supposed to have his son every other weekend, and two week nights a week. However, because CBM is, in fact, crazy, unemployed, money-less, car-less, and house-less (currently living with her parents after she got evicted), my boyfriend picks his son up from her house in the morning, feeds him breakfast, takes him to school, packs his lunch, picks him up from school, helps him with his homework, feeds him dinner, and then takes him back to her house around 8pm... she then lets him watch tv until whenever he feels like going to sleep and smokes in the room with him. So, yes, I'm not really a big fan of her.

The upshot of this all is that I really only get to see my boyfriend for a couple hours at night, a few nights a week, when he stays with me after dropping his son off. It's not really enough time for me, but I try to make it work. I compensate by planning special 'us time' when I know he's not supposed to have his son, but so often, that's when CBM randomly decides to not answer the door when he comes to drop off his son, or just drop him off at his house with warning, or just completely disappear for days at a time or whatever... so the fun things that I've been looking forward to for days or weeks is suddenly cancelled, and I'm left feeling completely disappointed and frustrated and upset.

For instance, CBM was supposed to pick up her son from my bf's house yesterday afternoon, and then he was going to come to my house and we were going to have our own little christmas. I had decorated, made hot chocolate, put on a silly holiday movie, and everything and was very excited... but then he gets to my house, explains that his son is still with him at his Grandma's house, and he can only stay for about a hour.

My normal reaction when this happens is to just completely shut down. "Ok, fine. Forget it. Go home right now. I'll just see you some other day. Thanks for ruining Christmas," and then things tend to get somewhat ugly from there. I hate that I get like that, but in the moment, I really can't help myself. I know it's not his fault, and I know his relationship with his son trumps his relationship with me, but I get really upset with him anyway, and I would like to learn how to handle it better.

When I try just not having any expectations, or not making any exciting plans, I find myself feeling very cold and detached, with nothing much to look forward too. My crazy expectations keep the relationship fun and exciting for me, and giving them up just doesn't work. So how do I learn to deal with disappointments like a normal person? How do I stop unfairly blaming him and turning into an angerball when things don't go my way?

(we are slowly trying to include me in more things he does with his son, but the son sees me as the reason his parents aren't together--not true at all, but I can understand how he feels--so i think it's going to take some time... and that's an askme for another day.)

posted by kerfuffled to human relations (37 comments total)

My normal reaction when this happens is to just completely shut down. "Ok, fine. Forget it. Go home right now. I'll just see you some other day. Thanks for ruining Christmas," and then things tend to get somewhat ugly from there. I hate that I get like that, but in the moment, I really can't help myself. I know it's not his fault, and I know his relationship with his son trumps his relationship with me, but I get really upset with him anyway, and I would like to learn how to handle it better.

Does this typify you response to disappointment to other setbacks, at work, with friends, etcetera? Or is it just in this particular circumstance that you shut down and toss off the bromides?

I can understand how frustrating and angry this makes you. One possibility is to "fake it til you make it." Think through, ahead of time, a stock response.

"Man, I'm sorry this didn't work out. Give me a hug, and go on home. I'll see you later."

Maybe practice it a few times.

Then when the inevitable happens - take a deep breath. Bite down on that instinctual rage-filled response. Take another breath if you have to.

Then repeat your practiced phrase, hug him, and let him go. It sounds trite, but I find that practicing a way to stop yourself from flying off the handle is the first step at getting control back.
posted by canine epigram at 1:30 PM on December 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

Bah, if things are that bad, I'd be marching back to court to get that custody plan changed. Not wanting to do that would mean that there is more to the story.

Otherwise, this just sounds like way too much work.
posted by so_ at 1:31 PM on December 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

Your boyfriend is being a responsible parent. Try being supportive of him and understanding of the difficult position his child's mother puts him in, rather than thinking only of yourself.
posted by amro at 1:32 PM on December 26, 2007 [6 favorites]

sorry to break it to you, but i think you don't need to be in this relationship. your boyfriend will (and should) put his son's needs ahead of yours. sounds to me like you are not able to accept that at this point in your life.
posted by ms.jones at 1:32 PM on December 26, 2007 [4 favorites]

All I can say is that I feel for you, really truly. My girlfriend has a nine year old daughter from a previous relationship and while there is a schedule in place that sounds much more reliable than what you've described, I am still familiar with the dreaded, "Oh yeah, you know how we had that all planned, Surprise!"

And I know it's not her fault, and I know her relationship with her daughter trumps her relationship with me - exactly like you said - but it's still a bitter pill.

And the reason it's a bitter pill is because you know, deep down, that the kid is more important - at least from my point of view. I mean, you want to be understanding and be a good girlfriend / boyfriend in a difficult situation, but being in this kind of relationship requires sacrifice, and requires you that you accept that you will always, always be second fiddle, and that's shitty.

I look around at all the couples my age and there are no kids involved and they live for each other and there is no fighting for attention and when they want to do something together they do it and it's a kind of jealousy that eats me up.
And I get cold and detached and kind of melodramatic and I really feel you with the, you know, "Fine, forget, go be with the one you REALLY love" kind of thing, because it seriously is dredging up issues of abandonment and that doesn't feel good, even though you know no one is really at fault.

I don't think it's ever easy, but it does get easier. I've found that, over the years, as I spend more and more time with them together it becomes less a Kbanas vs the Daughter kind of thing and more a kind of (gulp) family kind of thing. This is horribly scary in its own way, but it certainly beats what came before.

What else helped? I started seeing a psychologist, and it has been immensely helpful to talk about it at length.

But in the end it's going to be hard.

For what it's worth I find it to be particular difficult around the holidays - I think because these times tend to emphasis togetherness more than the every day humdrum. So it should get better.

Oh, also, all these people telling you you're being selfish and so on? It's a bunch of shit, and they've never been there, and they don't know. It's not like you want him to leave his son on the side of the road - you love him and you want him to be a responsible parent, but that doesn't make it any easier to come to terms with the situation, which is very difficult, and not as easy as, "Get over yourself."
posted by kbanas at 1:40 PM on December 26, 2007 [8 favorites]

as the boyfriend in a similar situation, i can tell you that the cbm is only going to ruin your life if you let it. if you really like the guy, then you're going to have to accept the whims of cbm, simply because they will not stop. you can't change that ... but you can change your expectations. i'd reccomend building contingency plans into much of what you do. cbm didn;t pick up the kid? well, then it's time the kid comes over. or maybe you always reserve dates in mind--and understand that the cbm will change them willy nilly. it's quite possible that the cbm even enjoys disrupting your boyfriend's life, and uses the kid to that end.

changing custody, like so_ suggests, might help, but probably isn't worth the time, expence and pain, unless he can work things out directly.

oh, and don't ever badmouth the cbm in front of the kid. he doesn't like it.
posted by lester at 1:42 PM on December 26, 2007

The upshot of this all is that I really only get to see my boyfriend for a couple hours at night, a few nights a week, when he stays with me after dropping his son off. It's not really enough time for me, but I try to make it work. I compensate by planning special 'us time' when I know he's not supposed to have his son,

For instance, CBM was supposed to pick up her son from my bf's house yesterday afternoon, and then he was going to come to my house and we were going to have our own little christmas. I had decorated, made hot chocolate, put on a silly holiday movie, and everything and was very excited...

You're bending over backwards to accomodate this custody arrangement. The babymama has your boyfriend trained to rollover and take the kid whenever it's too inconvenient for her. He needs to man up and make it apparent to her that his plans are just as important.

You sound like you're handling it ok. Ge did see you for Christmas, even though it was not as long as you had liked, so he is putting some priority on your relationship. He needs to start standing up to the dam when she tries to take advantage of him, and you need to note whether that is happening or not.
posted by pieoverdone at 1:42 PM on December 26, 2007

And I should further emphasis that it's that you want the dynamic to change - I mean, obviously, in my situation, I know that my girlfriend should put her daughter first, and she does, and I wouldn't change that and I try to work with it - but that doesn't mean you can just be a happy, selfless person all the time, and not feel slighted, even when you probably shouldn't.

Eh. Sigh. I could fill a book.
posted by kbanas at 1:43 PM on December 26, 2007

When I try just not having any expectations, or not making any exciting plans, I find myself feeling very cold and detached, with nothing much to look forward too. My crazy expectations keep the relationship fun and exciting for me, and giving them up just doesn't work. So how do I learn to deal with disappointments like a normal person? How do I stop unfairly blaming him and turning into an angerball when things don't go my way?

You've gotten to the core of at least one of the problems right here. I don't know if there are other things going on here (for you, him, the son, the son's mother, or for all of you), but you seem to have your expectations mixed up. Your boyfriend is a father first (and should be, and you should want him to be since you think the kid's mother is doing such a bad job) and a boyfriend to you well after that. You either need to adjust your expectations to take that into account (and learn to make "exciting plans" that take that into account), or you should prepare to continue to be disappointed. Learning to deal with that disappointment is likely to be difficult, since it's founded on what seems to be a faulty premise about how your boyfriend should act.
posted by OmieWise at 1:44 PM on December 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

Your boyfriend is a father first (and should be, and you should want him to be since you think the kid's mother is doing such a bad job) and a boyfriend to you well after that.

Yeah, but there's accepting that and then accepting that. I mean, you can understand and agree with that sentiment, and still have an emotional reaction of disappointment that you really don't have much sway over.
posted by kbanas at 1:48 PM on December 26, 2007

From an outside perspective, your boyfriend's involvement in his son's life and prioritizing of him over you is a good thing. He also seems to recognize that his son isn't having the best at-home experience and he's trying to be there for him. Personally, it seems like you're kind of over-reacting here. Are you mad at your boyfriend, or the CBM? Or even the son? It's not your bf's fault the CBM is, well, a CBM. So it's not really fair to take it out on him. Plus, it sounds like you don't really like the kid and I'm guessing he can tell. If your problem is with the CBM, that's really not something you can control. It's up to your bf to take issue with her, and from your post, it doesn't sound like he's as irritated by all of this as you are. Have you talked to him about speaking with her?

From your description, the son doesn't seem to be getting good parenting at home and it's sort of selfish of you to get upset when the son needs his father. I think you're just going to need to be a grownup about this and be more flexible. Have a Plan B in place. You can still make plans and have expectations, but just be aware that, like anything involving kids, plans can change.

Your bf is trying to balance all this. He left the son at grandma's and hung out with you for an hour when he could have ditched you entirely. You can stop unfairly blaming him when you recognize it isn't his fault and that you're an adult. Flying off the handle isn't going to endear you to your bf or his son. If the relationship isn't fun except for these special occasions, and you go nuts when they get canceled (which sounds often from your post), well, maybe this isn't the right relationship for you right now.

If have already spoken to him about working this out with the CBM and he refuses, then you may have some ground to stand on. But don't go nuts each time or he'll tune you out entirely.
posted by ml98tu at 1:50 PM on December 26, 2007

Um, I actually see the problem lying with your boyfriend. He needs to put his foot down and do what's right for the kid and himself. If she can't get the kid to school, the truancy officers will come after her. If she's happy being a homeless bum at her parents, let her. Why is he putting his life on hold to help her? If the kid suffers a little because of her poor mothering, then he'll learn a hard lesson on being an adult. And, honestly, when I say "suffer" I don't mean homeless living out of a box starving to death with open gunshot wounds suffering.

If he's not able to man up and do what's right, then why do what to be a part of that? I don't see this as your problem if it's happening as often as you say. It's his problem and he needs to put a stop to it, otherwise it'll never stop. If it happens every once in awhile, that's acceptable as part of dating someone's parent.

Also, if the mother is being that neglectful, the both of you need to exponentially increase your time with the kid. It sounds like a bad situation rapidly heading toward a change in custody. You don't want to be the wall preventing a better arrangement for his son.
posted by ick at 1:51 PM on December 26, 2007

I've kinda sorta been in this spot as well. You are right, it does suck. And I know, it's the rational thinking (yea, of course, this guy must be there for his kid!) vs. the "what about me" thinking. That said, did you ever say to boyfriend that you know the difference between these two trains of thought, and although you know the grown up stuff, and you are trying to deal with it, you do still get disappointed? Not in a trying to get him upset, or trying to make him feel bad way, but in a "guy needs to know what you are thinking" way. The consequence of not doing this is that you are going to start resenting him, and that will pretty much kill the relationship. Another thought is that sometimes the right people will fall into your life at the wrong time. Not particularly fun, but sometimes giving it a few months makes a world of difference.
posted by kellyblah at 1:57 PM on December 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

If he's not able to man up and do what's right

"Manning up" is being a good parent and making sure your kid gets to school, gets fed, gets loved, and gets at least as good or better opportunities than you did.

If the kid suffers a little because of her poor mothering, then he'll learn a hard lesson on being an adult.

God, I hope that's some sort of weird joke.
posted by amro at 1:58 PM on December 26, 2007 [4 favorites]

Well, I'm a single mother - kind of like your boyfriend, except my son is quite a bit older now - 16 - and I have a new boyfriend anand yeah, this issue flared up nicely right around the holidays much to everyone's dismay. As I more or less said to him this weekend, yes, I understand that if you have never actually had kids, you don't really get that they change everything. Yes, if you don't have a CBM (call mine the crazy baby daddy, but it's a similar situation) you don't understand that unfortunately, they are going to impact your life, change your plans and your life until that child is 18 and possibly longer, when college tuition and so on gets added to the big fun mix. It sucks all the way around and we - the single moms & dads out there - don't like it either. But we have had to learn to roll with it because there simply is no alternative. It's just the way it is, and it doesn't mean we don't love you.

So the sooner you face the naked fact that you're not going to change the CBM and you're not going to change your boyfriends circumstances, the sooner you can begin to adjust. Because that stuff is just not going to change - sorry, but it's not. You will have to change and what you have to do is stop making plans. Because, look, kids fuck plans up. That's what kids DO. There is no cure for it. So the faster you can stop having expectations or, indeed, plans at all, the happier you will be. Think of it as just getting more spontaneous, more free, more open to the universe. That's how I justify the ongoing chaos to myself, anyway. Think that every minute you get with boyfriend is an unexpected gift; think that every minute you get to spend with your semi step child is a present from the universe and make it as much fun as you can for everyone concerned. Yeah, this is all hippie bullshit sounding stuff, but there is a lot of truth to the adage that all you can really change is your own attitude. Expect nothing, plan nothing, and what comes to you comes freely.
posted by mygothlaundry at 2:00 PM on December 26, 2007 [4 favorites]

Your boyfriend is a great dad.

Could you step up the things that the three of you do together? If you want more time with the boyfriend it is going to have to be time with boyfriend and son. Otherwise, time to get out of the relationship.
posted by LarryC at 2:01 PM on December 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

I totally understand how you feel, and it sounds like you understand it pretty well too. But that doesn't keep one from feeling that murderous disappointment in the moment, or maybe even spreading that bad mood to others, does it? Sigh.

That would be the crux of it for me though-- if, when you get hurt, you act in a way or say something that spreads blame or hurt or pissiness, you have taken what is already a heavy burden for him and then ust compounded it. He already has one woman in his life making things more difficult than necessary for him. These moments are an opportunity for you to radiate with the vital life force of the difference between you and CrazyBabyMomma-- to establish yourself as a separate class of person altogether. In doing so, you not only lighten his load, but you may even begin to believe in that feeling yourself and discover new stores of resilience and generosity.

Each disappointment is an opporunity to transcend, and the hurt you feel is merely a puzzle handed to you to figure out on your own.
posted by hermitosis at 2:01 PM on December 26, 2007 [5 favorites]

Thank you for the responses so far.. some have been really helpful.
Just to clarify a couple things...
it sounds like you don't really like the kid and I'm guessing he can tell
I actually really like his son... we have a lot of fun when we're just hanging out. Part of the problem is that the second I display any affection towards his father, he gets very sullen and refuses to talk to either of us, so it's an awkward dynamic for now. We're trying to work things out, but this is new to both of us, and confusing and hard. I wouldn't ever say anything bad about his mother when I'm around him.

actually see the problem lying with your boyfriend. He needs to put his foot down and do what's right for the kid and himself. If she can't get the kid to school, the truancy officers will come after her.
Last year, when she was responsible for taking him to school, the truancy officers were coming after her, and he was almost held back a year. That's not okay. I wish he would take a firmer stand w/r/t the time he spends with his son, but whenever he even tries bringing it up, she gets hysterical, screaming that if seeing his son is such a burden for him, then he shouldn't ever see him again, and if that's how he feels about it, she's just going to take him and move, etc. He's stuck in a horrible situation and I hate making it worse for him, so I really just want to learn to deal with things on my end.
posted by kerfuffled at 2:13 PM on December 26, 2007

but the son sees me as the reason his parents aren't together

So where does this leave you? Help fight a protracted custody battle for a kid that doesn't even like you? Lowering your expectations to settle for a bad situation? No way. Pity that poor dad all you want but you're not obligated to settle for a relationship that is not working for you. Wish the dad luck and tell him it's time for you to move on.
posted by StarForce5 at 2:15 PM on December 26, 2007

You asked how to deal with the disappointment... remind yourself that you are doing the right thing by not interfering. When you put the child first you honor your boyfriend and his commitments. He should appreciate your sacrifice immensely and make that known to you.
posted by MiffyCLB at 2:31 PM on December 26, 2007

It sounds like you have framed the question correctly. Not 'how can I change CBM/ boyfriend/ boyfriend's son/ the entire situation' but 'How can I change the way I feel about it.' You've already recognized what you can and can't change, which is the hardest part of your situation. So well done, you!

To change your feelings, you need to change the way you think about them. Try to avoid absolute thoughts like 'CBM ruined Christmas' or 'These plans are so important that if anything disrupts them I'll be crushed.' I don't think you need any type of formal cognitive-behavioural therapy, but you might try some of the exercises at Mood Gym.
posted by happyturtle at 2:31 PM on December 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

First and foremost, your reactions are very understandable. Any baby mama drama is something all of us could deal without. But you must keep things in perspective. His child is, will be, and should be numero uno. You must support him in that in every way you can. If you do not, you are compromising his responsibilities and while it may seem like you are sacrificing time with you, you are being selfish. Have you two talked about, or better yet, have you considered, helping him out? I am not saying make a big statement and start picking up the kid from school, but how about household duties? It is not really a chore when you are doing it with your significant other and you are having some time together. If there are issues with your presence from the child's point of view, the best thing you could do is be there for your boyfriend. Think of how you would act with a close friend who was having problems. I am sure you would come over and help out with grocery shopping or maybe laundry or some basic errands like the dry cleaning. I suggest that, give him some moral support by helping to lighten his load, but DO NOT allow him to be comfortable and take you for granted. This can happen.

As far as the kid blaming you for his parents' split, your boyfriend needs to discuss that with him. And as often as necessary to remind him that you are not a threat and never was. If your boyfriend is "manning" up in taking care of his child, he also needs to "man up" in having you in his life, both of which are important responsibilities and privileges. Every child who grew up with two biological parents and then suddenly witnesses them split will see the next person they see with their parents as the cause of all the misery in the world, so do not fear, many people go through this.

From my own experiences, and this is something I battle with daily, you must get over the frustrations about the CBM. You cannot change people. Obviously, this woman has not been changed by having a child, therefore having her ex with another woman will not either. Prepare yourself for more drama, trust me. But if you love your boyfriend and focus on building a solid, stable foundation in your relationship, the two of you can survive this. I advise you to not have any contact with her. None at all. Even if your relationship were to progress, your boyfriend needs to take all duties and responsibilities and you should never have to be brought on as the third party. I have had some of the worst experiences of my life taking that position, thinking I was doing the absolute best, but nothing you do will change her view of you. Worse, beware that she may be feeding your boyfriend's son things that will aggravate his feelings for you.

This is a sensitive issue and you must walk on egg shells. I know you are feeling rejected, but look at it from your boyfriend's pov. He went from having few visitations to having full responsibility. As much as he cherishes time with his son, he has enough for two platefuls right now. He has his son to deal with. He has the emotional trauma he is aware of that his son is going through. He has to deal with the CBM. And he has to be able to provide for his son and himself. Sadly to say, this is one of the situations that you have to be as selfless as possible without giving up too much of yourself. If you care about this man and want to be in his life and help him, support him in every way you can.

Being in a relationship means a primary goal is to make our SO's life as livable and happy as possible. If he needs to have some time alone, give him that. Find other things to do, but also let him know you are just a phone call away. I am not making a general statement, but I have noticed that most men, especially when it comes to fatherhood, have a tendency to shut down when stressed. Society has generalized them into thinking that feeling frantic and helpless about a situation is the epitome of not being a man. And trust me, for a father to feel that he is not doing the best he can for his family, that is one of the biggest upsets the male psyche can go through.
posted by dnthomps at 2:41 PM on December 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

I hate to say this but it sounds like your boyfriend does not have time for a relationship right now. His son does not need the added stress of getting to know you as well, at least at this point because there are no guarantees you will be there for the long haul.

You two need to take a break until this little boy can get some stability in his life.
posted by konolia at 2:53 PM on December 26, 2007 [1 favorite]

I've been in your spot for five years. My situation is a bit different as he has 2 wonderful daughters that I've grown very attached to.

Here's how I learned to roll with it: I didn't have a great life as a kid; 3 younger brothers to try to take care of, batshit crazy mother; an ok father when he was around and sober. In the midst of this ongoing dysfunction, I got overlooked alot.

So, when CBM pulls her shit yet again, he has the girls and our plans get 86'd, I remember my past, and I feel better knowing that the girls are being spared that.

Not having set plans still drives me up a wall; but whenever it's because of CBM, I can let it go and focus on building karma.
posted by xena at 2:58 PM on December 26, 2007

Seconding all of the above, including the OP's comments.

This is a classic situation where a judge would seriously consider a change in custody, with the father getting primary custody and the mother getting "visitation". In other words, it would be in the child's best interest.

Why the father is not pursuing such a change, which would be better for the child and also (IMO) for the father, is a mystery and may affect the issues here. The father may be considering his relationship with the OP in not pursuing a change, since a change would make him less available to the OP. Is that the case, or are there other reasons for is inertia?

On the other hand, if the BF is afraid of hysterics from the mother, as others have said he has to grow up and understand that the mother's hysterics, if relevant at all, are legally in his favor.
posted by JimN2TAW at 3:07 PM on December 26, 2007

I think your boyfriend, wonderdad, needs more custody. That way when you make special plans it's guilt free to get a (good) sitter, instead of being the sort of situation where the alternate caretaker of the kid is the CBM and it's therefore imperative that the boyfriend spends what time he can with the poor wee one so the kid can soak up the comparative sanity and clean air. I know the world is not perfect, but maybe the lever would be to encourage CBM to shirk -more- and maybe let the wee one do an overnight with his daddy?

I nth the idea of making plans for the kid and him, not just him. Your beloved's a daddy and it's something that won't and shouldn't change, so how's this for Valentines?

You get dressed up all pretty in a red sweater and the three of you go out together for Sundaes with lots and lots of chocolate syrup or hot chocolate. Depending on the weather you go sledding or some fun physical activity so the kid can work off the sugar. While you can't go for the proper smooch and snuggles couple time gets you, the possibility of falling out of the sled and landing on the boyfriend with giggles, and smouldering glances across the both table while you feed each other sundae (and wee one enjoys an extra scoop of whipped cream) will help keep that romantic flame lit.

If CBM pulls some sort of stunt like keeping the kid over Valentines day, you do couple time instead and team that red sweater with whatever you think of as nice date clothes, and the boyfriend and you find a good place for dinner. It’s win-win.

If I could plus canine epigram 500 times I would.
posted by Phalene at 3:08 PM on December 26, 2007

Would it help you any to Plan B your plans with your boyfriend? "If Things Happen, we'll do X or try moving it to X time," just as a way of adopting flexibility as a way of life (under your control) rather than something she does to you? And to take it a step further, come up with a way for the two of you to vent your frustration that doesn't involve decomposing to that moment of snapping? Either something like "it is what it is" or "well, that just stuffs the grapefruit" or some other calm, non-aggressive shorthand for "this fucking sucks but it's not our fault, it's just our problem."

He already has to do that; he can't show his frustration in any way that might filter down to his kid, who's not old enough to understand that bad mom does not equal bad him. Get on his team, which will be more rewarding for both of you, and your attitude will filter down to the kid, who can more easily start to see you as an ally over time. In any case, if you're in for the long haul, which is sounds like you're trying to be, it's not going to stop so a gameplan now will serve you well in the future.

You are understandably frustrated at the mother, but there's nothing you can do about her. Focus on what you can do for you, and how the two of you can support each other through these frustrations.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:12 PM on December 26, 2007

All I can add is that I have known a lot of women who will not date men with children for precisely this reason. You're not just dating the man, but his child and ex, and that brings complications. All you can do is accept the complications or get out of the relationship. Anything else means that you are just compounding the problem. The kid's needs come first.
posted by Astro Zombie at 3:31 PM on December 26, 2007

What I said wasn't a joke. I'm a single mom and if the mother cannot be relied upon, the child will learn that early on. The situation will not get better for the dad, the mom, or child as long as the dad supports the CBM's rules, hysterics, and various ploys.

When the truancy officers came after the mother, why didn't the father plead for custody? If she doesn't pack his lunch, then the child won't have a lunch. The school will eventually question what's going on and send social support services. If the child doesn't have nice clothes, or dirty clothes, the school will question that as well. Again, enter DCFS. If the child doesn't have breakfast, um, so? Many kids don't have breakfast. I understand 100% what the father is trying to do and it's certainly admirable. Unfortunately, in the long run, I feel strongly it will hurt more than help unless he's ready to take the final steps and address the real problem - the primary caretaker.

Really, more than anything, I would suggest you two step up the time you both spend with the kid. If the CBM doesn't answer the door when it's time to dropoff the kid, then great, that's time available for the 3 of you to get to know each other. If she wants her kid back that night, then she needs to make transportation arrangements that don't involve your bf. This gives less time and energy to her bs, freeing more time for you. :) It would stop feeding CBM's insanity, lesson your disappointment triggers, and help the kid out of bad situation and help the kid know you better.
posted by ick at 3:42 PM on December 26, 2007 [2 favorites]

Yeah, you need to decide what you're willing to put up with.
posted by wafaa at 3:45 PM on December 26, 2007

This isn't precisely answering the question asked but I've been the kid in the middle of such a thing and while I know that every situation is different I encourage you to not get down on yourself re: the kid not liking you very much. I didn't like my stepmom all that much either. But I grew to love her over time. When I got older I realized that she was MUCH more stable and predictable than my mom (who, due to mental and substance abuse problems, was a veritable font of crazy baby momma drama for quite a long time) and I grew to rely on her as a calming influence in my life as I grew out of my teens and into adulthood. And I realize now that the anger I felt towards her was actually anger that should have been directed towards my own parents and the cowardly way they handled the divorce. I guess this is also my way of encouraging you to support your boyfriend when you can but be firm when you NEED time with him. My stepmother's influence on my father, especially when it came to putting his foot down when it came to my mother (he was as messed up by her lies and manipulations as I was) led to him eventually being a better father. I'm not saying you should keep him from making sure his son has what he needs and it doesn't sound like you do this. I'm just saying that it won't always be this way, most likely, and if you value your relationship enough to stick it out and if your BF is strong enough to make sure that both his son and he himself are getting what they need, you just might be rewarded in the end with a loving partner and a stepson who values you for being the port in an emotionally turbulent storm.

But know this - kids are ridiculously good at picking up emotional cues from adults - cues the adults don't even realize their throwing. You might not be angry at the kid but any resentment you hold - even if you try not to show it - are likely to be picked up. It sucks and it's not fair and you have the right to protect your relationship but be aware that you might not be hiding things as well as you think you are.
posted by LeeJay at 3:52 PM on December 26, 2007

"what you have to do is stop making plans. Because, look, kids fuck plans up. That's what kids DO. There is no cure for it. So the faster you can stop having expectations or, indeed, plans at all, the happier you will be."

I'm calling bullshit on this and a lot of what other people are saying. Yes, your BF has to parent his child, but he's not the only parent there. You are in a relationship with this person, yet he doesn't seem to be taking you into consideration at all. He thinks he can show up on *his* schedule, ignoring all your desires and plans, and you will accommodate him every time with no complaint? Hell no. HELL to the no, Bobby.

Why on earth would you settle for someone with whom the best you can do is "stop having expectations"?! You are worth so much more than that! Don't let anyone tell you that you're not.

Sometimes he's going to have to see about his son, and it's going to fuck up your plans. But not *every* time. Sometimes he's going to need to put his foot down with the CBM and make *you* the priority. If he isn't willing to make you the priority, *ever*, then you are in an unhealthy relationship and you should DTMFA.

You can't do anything about the CBM, so don't bang your head against the wall with that one. But you *can* put your BF on notice that you're not there to just hang around and take whatever scraps he gives you. That's not the way a strong, worthy woman operates. No ma'am.
posted by mccxxiii at 4:03 PM on December 26, 2007 [3 favorites]

I lived with a man who had custody of his daughter every other weekend. He had a wonderful relationship with his very responsible (though far too clingy) ex-wife. I dreaded the weekends that kid was around and I did my level best to plan activities for the three of us. I tried hard, HARD to like that kid and her clingy, whiny, always-bringing-my-man presents ex-wife and I just couldn't. I recognized that what my ex was doing when he jumped every time his ex-wife or his kid said "please, oh please, help us" but that didn't stop me from wanting to lock myself in a closet every time they were around. I recognized this as MY problem, not HIS.
So perhaps it's not your expectations you need to change, maybe it's your man.
YMMV but the realization I came to was that I was not ready to be dating a man who had children. Period.
posted by notjustfoxybrown at 5:43 PM on December 26, 2007

You should dump him. Not because you're an angerball, because this sounds like the kind of thing that would drive a normal person to the brink of sanity. You should dump him because he's not in a place to be having a relationship at all right now, and I would say that about anyone who has to cancel plans more regularly than they can keep them. Yeah, kids are kind of known for disrupting plans, but not every time, and you shouldn't put up with that. Yes, it sucks, but it's not entirely an unusual circumstance to find the right guy at the wrong time...just bad luck.

Anyway, that's a nasty thing to cope with, so maybe in the mean time you can start making back up plans but NOT with the boyfriend. Probably not so manageable on Christmas, but for the rest of the time do you have a bunch of friends you could call around to find someone who's willing to hang out on short notice? Maybe a club, bar, of coffee house where you know the regulars and can go chat? Something out of the house and involving people that you can do during the time you had set aside should take the sting off of your broken plans.
posted by anaelith at 5:52 PM on December 26, 2007

in the moment, I really can't help myself.

In a word, yes, you can help yourself, you choose not to. I'm not trying to be judgmental, just suggesting that you figure out why it is you do that.

Also, cognitive therapy does wonders for "I don't like feeling this emotion and I therefore react poorly."
posted by Ironmouth at 6:30 PM on December 26, 2007

lower your expectations. A pessimist is only disappointed when things go right, and then their like....happy because things went right.
posted by Megafly at 6:50 PM on December 26, 2007

The needs of the child come 1st. I think you'll be happier if you accept that he's a fulltime dad, and develop a better relationship with the kid, as well as stopping the crap of letting the kid stop you from being affectionate. Maybe you can keep telling yourself "What a great dad/what a great guy/I'm so proud of him."

He is being a terrific dad. Your best shot at having time with him is to have it with the child present, but not necessarily in the spotlight. If he had custody, the kid could be occasionally visiting CBM, having sleepovers with pals, and having pals over, and visiting grandparents. Dad wouldn't have to drive the kid home at night. Maybe the kid would be more confident, and less anxious about Dad's relationship with you.

Your best move is to be a fantastic StepMom. If you don't want to do that, now's the time to move on. My son's stepmother seriously damaged my son's relationship with his Dad; it's tragic.
posted by theora55 at 7:56 AM on December 27, 2007